Author Topic: My Story Awake & Alive  (Read 2835 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #140 on: March 12, 2019, 02:19:02 AM »
Save that e-mail as well as any communication on her raging at the Social Worker... You'll need it for later...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #141 on: March 12, 2019, 04:58:57 PM »
Silver

You certainly have had the rough end of her MLC stick. Don’t try to ‘cope’ too well with all of this. This is horrendous what we are going through and yours is worse than some do don’t wirry if you backward step, you need it.

A teenager with a diamond ring after a year with OM, I think Saviour Faire has it right he has something wrong somewhere.

How’s the new place coming along? Happy with it?
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #142 on: March 13, 2019, 01:29:56 AM »
Thanks UM, I will.

Thank you Rose too, nice to hear from you as always  :)

I am happy with my home, trying to keep it an stay in the area, even she decides to move. So far she hasn't planned moving far so it might work but you never know. If I have to I of course prioritize being involved in kids life as much as possible over the area and house, if I have to move I will move. As long as she has her job in the area and OM as well, things should be relatively fine.

Not sure about OM, if there is something wrong with him or he is just in love. Truth is he asked her to marry her just few months after they started dating. They planned at least at some level moving together in the future, like month or two after started their relationship. He is divorced (I don't know when and how) and has 2 kids (teenager and preteen) in shared custody I think. I really don't know much about him, only a little (from work area) and for what I heard from kids. He is nice and ok to them.

I don't think he sees much wrong in my XW who obviously has told her story very well. She is a victim and that's it and needs to be saved. Like she was when I met her, just divorced from her 1st husband. I was obviously a saviour back then.

Knowing my XW very well, MLC or not, there will be enough drama in their relationship.. there is no question about that and less she has control over me, things to blame me (her story needs a bad guy!) with, the more there probably will be drama in their story. If he can handle that, good for him, ask me if I care!  ;D

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #143 on: March 13, 2019, 02:38:51 AM »
I don't think he sees much wrong in my XW who obviously has told her story very well. She is a victim and that's it and needs to be saved.

Yip, full of $h!te and lies. You were surely a terrible H and never home. You were probably crap in bed too  ;D

ask me if I care!  ;D
Do you care? (just joking Silver). 
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #144 on: March 13, 2019, 03:28:09 AM »
Yip, full of $h!te and lies. You were surely a terrible H and never home. You were probably crap in bed too  ;D

Not sure should I be proud or what as the only thing she never accused me was that!  8)
(the bed thing I mean)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline joeblue

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #145 on: March 13, 2019, 04:03:52 AM »
I am happy with my home, trying to keep it an stay in the area, even she decides to move. So far she hasn't planned moving far so it might work but you never know. If I have to I of course prioritize being involved in kids life as much as possible over the area and house, if I have to move I will move. As long as she has her job in the area and OM as well, things should be relatively fine.

Can she just do that? I mean move away and force you to follow, if you have shared custody and a 7/7 split?

Will the authorities not look at Silver and say "well, one parent want to stay in the area so the kids don't have to switch schools and abandon friends etc., so the best option would be Silver as full time parent?". That would be the outcome(in my country) if my XW wanted to leave the area.

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #146 on: March 13, 2019, 04:25:02 AM »
I am happy with my home, trying to keep it an stay in the area, even she decides to move. So far she hasn't planned moving far so it might work but you never know. If I have to I of course prioritize being involved in kids life as much as possible over the area and house, if I have to move I will move. As long as she has her job in the area and OM as well, things should be relatively fine.

Can she just do that? I mean move away and force you to follow, if you have shared custody and a 7/7 split?

Will the authorities not look at Silver and say "well, one parent want to stay in the area so the kids don't have to switch schools and abandon friends etc., so the best option would be Silver as full time parent?". That would be the outcome(in my country) if my XW wanted to leave the area.

Hi joeblue, welcome on board!

In my country it practically depends on which one is a primary parent. There may be exceptions but generally he/she is the one that decides where kids live in the end. Right now we have both shared custody (50/50) and primary parency as well, me being primary p for S5 and her to D10. This is more like uncommon decision but may be done. In case of court process, it would more probably be looked in a way that kids stay together as siblings, than the other living with mom and the other with dad. So court would need to make decision to give primary parency to one of us. Though the situation is not that clear anymore than it was few decades ago, they tend to bias to mother when talking about small kids like S5. In our case, it could still be either of us and the point you made COULD be enough to me having primary parency but really, really not necessarily. It doesn't probably matter who did what in marriage (as far as there wasn't violence or substance abuse etc) and who wanted to divorce. Divorcing is made VERY easy in my country and it happens all the time, it wouldn't probably be any kind of premise that bc she wanted to 'go', I would be the 'sane and steady' parent to them. Then again staying at the area we are living now COULD be benefit for me as kids have friends and familiar, good neighbourhood here etc.

In practice, I don't have to follow her, wherever she decides to move, but if she gets the primary parency for both, that would be my only choice IF she moved far away in case I want to see (I do) my kids every other week.

It is all just about scenarios so far, I hope we will have an agreement in mediation process.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #147 on: March 15, 2019, 04:53:50 AM »
Few thoughts in need of venting.

Talked with J, we have been seeing each other 6 months now, you could say us a couple already. In practice meaning that we are not dating other people, seeing each other regularly, having intimate relationship. And became very good friends with same taste for so many things, same values, sense of humor alike.. I have been seeing her kids more sparsely than she has mine bc it is easier for her to visit us than us/me her, mostly for practical reasons. My kids adore her and always wait for her visits.

We have mutual agreement that since we both have recently divorced from long relationships, we should no hurry in our R in any way. I have feelings for her for sure, but I am afraid she feels even much deeper about me. Not sure if that is the correct word, more it may be the fact that she seems to have recovered faster from her D (her H was the one that left though they sort of agreed about it, still she had really hard phase after it happened) and feels emancipated and ready to go forward. For me, well all of you who may have followed my story have seen it has been quite a tough road in many ways. I am not standing and still letting go has been very difficult, even it's been 15 months since divorce. Situation with kids between me and XW that inevitably ties me to her in future as well, is the biggest issue in letting go and going forward.

J would be ready for more serious relationship, she really seem to want me which is of course great, but I can't rush.. Need to take it slow, not sure for how long.. I feel sometimes the whole situation unfair against her, she is very patient and has not pressured me at all, she is a great person and beautiful woman. Atm I feel like burden to her at times tbh...

I told her very honestly that I don't know when I'm ready and to what I'm ready in future, that I have need to be by myself too, to let life just flow day by day. I told her that I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to go and find someone that is readier. She doesn't want to, not yet anyway. I'm a little confused with myself, what should I do. Continue being selfish and do it my way (my way or highway?) Or just ask her to go, which would be hard but I could live with that.

When I met XW and we started dating and moved together VERY soon, still bleeding both from very recent divorces, I remember how I felt like I jumped on the train I wasn't sure do I want to drive it. We bought a house, big mortgage together, she got pregnant.. and so on.. all in time we should probably have used to healing from our divorces. At beginning I was the one that felt trapped at times, even though good things happened and that relationship, even it ended bitter, got us the greatest gift (D10 and S5) we could ever get.

As we divorced 15 months ago I decided that I MUST give myself all time I need this time to recover, to heal. Not trying to hide scars but to get from wounds to scars before giving myself to new relationship. I think XW showing a week ago with engagement ring in her finger might be very welcomed kick to my butt, yet still I don't feel quite ready for giving 100 per cent to R with J - which she absolutelty would deserved.

Thanks for reading, needed to get this out. See, standing isn't easy but moving on isn't easy either...

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #148 on: March 15, 2019, 06:25:18 AM »
Silver,

You didn't ask for advice so I won't give you any.....

I WILL give you a couple of questions.... AND they are REALLY only for you. You do not have to answer and I do not expect an answer....

What are you scared of with respect to J and your R with her?
What is causing you to doubt what she is telling you, that she is cool with the way things are at the moment? Is that a bit of MLC experience creeping in to the present from the past?
Are you assuming responsibility for her emotions?
You said that you feel sometimes like a burden to her... Why? What indications has she given you that this is, in fact, the case? Anything? Assumptions rather than facts?
What is driving you to make a binary (my way or the highway) decision? Why is it black and white only? Is there a possible compromise, a middle way? Or maybe no need for a decision at this point at all?

Some food for thought...




Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #149 on: March 15, 2019, 09:07:27 AM »
Silver

I agree whether we stand or not, none of this is easy. Has J dealt with MLC with her XH? If not maybe that is why she has found it more straightforward to move on.

You have been on a trip to Hell. You reached your destination and are on your way back thank goodness. I am glad you are not diving into a serious R without fully healing first. Speaking from my experience, which hasn’t been as nasty as yours, I would love attention from someone, I’d find it hard to resist but really I need to go through this the hard way and not ‘feel better’ as I am getting my emotional support from someone else, I need to heal myself first so that anyone I meet afterwards meets a fully together person. It would complicate my life further if I met someone atm.

It seems too soon for you too. You have had BD, the aftermath, the divorce, the new flat, selling the house, the legal cases, meeting J all within a number of months. It’s a lot!

We’ve known each other a long time now so I know you will take this with love!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

 

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