Author Topic: My Story Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot  (Read 1727 times)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
My Story Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« on: November 07, 2018, 11:10:40 AM »
Link to Previous Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10385.0;all

I left off my previous thread talking about me and things that have changed.  Continuing on that and choosing a new title, I chose No longer on auto pilot.  I am to the point where I am not just crusing through life.  I am participating and enjoying my life.  All of it....the good, the bad and ugly parts of it.  I relish in the good and use the bad and ugly to make me better....stronger in so many ways!


Sea - Thanks for your kind words.  So nice of you to visit when you have your own turmoil going on.   You know how to find me when you need to talk.  Will be there for you through the good and the bad.   That is how we all get through this.   Supporting each other!   

You will have more sunshine in the future....you are an awesome person and H is loosing out.  I am glad you don't see this as an end.   It is a new beginning....you just don't know what that is yet!  No matter what, you will come out on top and you are in a far better position that H.   He is getting the scraps that others prior to him disgarded because the OW is NOT a prize.  Keep your chin up...you are a prize!

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2018, 11:24:05 AM »
Oops...I forgot my brief history:

See dates at the bottom.  They are up to date.

Currently,  H is living somewhere...don't know where.  He was at his parents...then it was on and off at his parents...now it doesn't appear that he makes a regular overnight appearance at his parents.  Note:  I am not snooping....I drive by there daily to go anywhere...his parents live 1.25 miles away at the bottom of my access road.  He seems to be safe so that is all I care about.  I could care less if he is sleeping at home, his parents, his sister, his car or the park....as long as he is safe.

We are now on day 24 of no significant contact.  In fact that only contact was a HB text.   His choice.  I could reach out to him for so many things....but I don't.  I am biting my tongue.  Unless there is an emergency, I am giving him the space and time that he appears to want.  Anything on my plate, I can handle or postpone for a bit while he is in never never land.

Replay activities have changed...I have been told this is normal. This form of replay is not as high an energy as he was the first year.  More subdued.

OW is still in contact on a daily basis.  Ongoing phone calls and texts.

Cycles are unknown since I have virtually no interaction with him and he also pulled back again from visiting daughter and grand kids.  For them it has been 2 weeks since he had contact.

H is giving me money to pay the bills and he has not touched it.  He has increased his bills but it has not adversly affected me as anything he gives me that is extra I use to pay down on credit cards.  I am not living the lap of luxery but I am not starving.  I get to do things...just gotta budget.    Just recently he paid my Sirius bill.  I decided to not let it renew since I don't listen to it much.  He paid for it and renewed it.  Not complaining...but it is an odd thing for him to do.  He didn't tell me but I got the renewal notice.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 787
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2018, 12:23:06 PM »
Sam - Attaching and following!
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online Rising Phoenix

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 872
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2018, 12:51:28 PM »
Attaching Sam xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2018, 01:08:19 PM »
Coming along off of autopilot
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1811
  • Gender: Male
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2018, 03:21:25 PM »
Following along Sam

Offline 9393roo

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 177
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2018, 03:33:44 PM »
Attaching Sam. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline exhausted

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 155
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2018, 06:54:23 PM »
following
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2018, 07:50:29 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Sam.  Hopping on board!

You are right to let him bake all by himself.  There is nothing one can do to hurry up the process.  I think the quicker we understand this, the better we can live our lives.  I think you got this principle in your bones.  So early in the process, too.  Good for you!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2018, 11:40:37 AM »
Acorn - I learned what I learned by educating myself and asking questions.  I realize that sometime we still need to follow blindly and this is one of those cases.  I am throwing my trust into the process.  So far I am doing better.  This is good.  I believe if I was fighting the process I would not have the peace I have to just let things happen in the MLC world.  I can see where I would be the fixer...the controller...taking all this personally....not letting go.  I don't want to live my life that way.  So I am trusting the process and allowing myself to be guided by those, like you, who have come before me.   All those journal entries, the blogs, the stories....they can all be a comfort when searching for answers that are elusive.

Thank you for joining along.

Ex, Roo, Helping, UM, Rising P and Sea:

Thank you all for attaching and following along.  Thank you for your continued support and guidance along the way!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2018, 07:22:20 AM »
Morning all.  Things still going well for me personally.  Found a new pub last night and visited there for wine and wings.  They were awesome.  I will become a frequent flyer there.  My co worker is even thinking of joining me.  Best part is it is non smoking compared to the bar I go to for Taco Tuesday.

H has been pretty silent of late.  Still not contacting me.  For the first in a long time, he liked some IG posts.  Talked to Kitty about this and she called it Skunk Pissing....meaning out of the blue he does something that is not an anchor check but something that is so in my face to say...Hey...I am here....don't forget about me. 

So he skunk pissed me the other day some pretty pics I posted.   Nothing special...nothing personal...sunset pics from my walk.  I wish I could share them with you all.   They are on my IG and FB if you ever want to see them....pm me.  Anyhow,   I love the analogy and find it so funny.

Other than that.....nothing from him.  I am good.  I can deal with it.  It has become a normal for me and if I didn't keep track on a calendar for looking back in the future I wouldn't be able to tell you how long it has been because it is now just so normal.

So...90% of the time I am great.....10% of the time I am meh to good.  I do still deal with things and I recently found a trigger and I am currently working on it.  Good news is I am better and better each day with that trigger.  No longer takes me back to the painful memories I was dealing with.   I can deal with it now that I figured out what it was.  That makes facing it easier.  Time....it will take time for me to completely deal with it....I am ok with that.  Baby steps for me.  Actually mine are more toddler steps...moving forward faster than a baby but still get the wobbles now and then.  haha

Last night as I am getting ready to go for my wings....I get a call from D.  She needs to talk.  She told me she got a text  from H.  He wanted to know if she would be around so he could visit.  She didn't know what to do.  She called me.  She didn't know if she wanted to let him visit or not.  She gets the silent treatment too.  For her it has been 2.5 weeks and that includes avoiding the grandkids too which hurts her more.   I asked her why she didn't want him to visit...she told me honestly to be vindictive.  My reply....you are better than that.  If that is your only reason...I don't think it is a good one.  If you say no...you know I will support you no matter what.   We hung up with her still thinking about it.  Later she called and told me she let him go out.  He went to the babysitters with her to pick up the kids.  Stayed for an hour and left saying he had to go get bananas for his parents.

She reported he didn't interact much with GS.  GS was avoiding him.  He did hold GD for awhile until she got fussy then he gave her up.  The rest of the time he sad beside her on the couch and played games on his phone.  She said he was a bump on the log and hardly talked.  She tried to carry the convo and gave up.  So he is definitely back the quiet game playing replay mode and not the happy H that was poking around and playing with the grandkids in Sept and the beginning of Oct.  He has regressed and this is meant to be. 

I pray daily for his safety...that is all I can do for him.  The rest of my life is for me.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline exhausted

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 155
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2018, 08:09:29 AM »
Sam...good point about triggers. I working on understanding what triggers me and how best to manage it.

I thought having so much time alone and living this long alone would be hard, but it really hasn't. When I let fear get the best of me it is a trigger and leads to the monkey braining.
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2018, 08:22:10 AM »
Sam, I’ve got a feeling that he is further entering the tunnel.  I see that the BD was just over a year ago.  I remember my H still maintaining some habits of pre-MLC life at the same timeframe and then gradually leaving them behind as he headed further into the darkness of the tunnel, away from the entrance where there was still a bit of light and he could see some of his former life faintly.  He valiantly fought the darkness by forcing himself to do things with the family and keep in touch with the reality but the darkness descended in due time.  It seemed as if he had no control over the darkness.  Of course, I realize this is only one anecdote and one person’s perspective.  However, I offer what I can.

I’m not saying this to discourage you.  In fact, this is encouraging as it shows there is movement.  Any movement will do.  Your attitude of praying for him and living your life to the full is the only option.  You smart girl!

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #13 on: November 09, 2018, 08:29:03 AM »
Exh - I found that when you figure things out that bother you and face them....they eventually either become controlled or they go away because they are no longer a big deal.  Triggers are just that.   Bad things we have to deal with or they could overtake us.

You are doing so well and I look forward to stumbling though this journey with you!   
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1141
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2018, 08:31:54 AM »
Still riding along with you Sam
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #15 on: November 09, 2018, 10:15:25 AM »
Acorn - I appreciate you sharing what you see when observing my posts.  I agree with you...him moving forward into the tunnel is NOT a bad thing at all.  This would be the getting worse before it gets better and he needs to go through it. 


I don't know if you recall, but about a month ago, you gave me similar feedback  Told me H appeared to be going deeper based on his replay activities now being more sustaining vs the more high energy reply of before.  He stopped the drinking, slowed the gambling down, no longer wearing the HD clothing and a few others I can't remember.  So it seems to potentially be a pattern of him diving deeper.   I am okay with that.   

Honestly, I can only hope that he continues to move forward into the tunnel.  He needs to do this so he can eventually come out the other side and see some light.  If I could give him a butt kick to get him moving forward...I would.  Alas, I know I can't so no butt kicking today...or tomorrow.  Instead my energies are focused on my grandson spending the night tonight and hanging out with me tomorrow.  I will need all my energy to keep a 2 year old occupied on a cold rainy day!



Schratz - Thanks for joining....the more the merrier!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2018, 11:46:14 AM »
In hindsight, I could see H frantically trying not to lose his connection to us by maintaining some habits of pre-MLC (at the entrance of the tunnel) and then, as time went on, he could no longer do it.  The fog was getting too thick... (walking deep into the tunnel)  He became very cold and distant.  After that, we didn’t exist in his world any longer.  I had this weird feeling that he looked straight through us as if we were phantoms.  He completely and utterly detached from us as he walked deep into the tunnel.  I somehow sense the same thing with your H.  I did caution you that I have only one example to go by, that of my H.  I could be totally wrong.  However, it does not matter whether he is going deeper into the tunnel or starting to exit it, I believe your action and attitude remain the same - Look after your side of the street and leave him to it.  I think you understand this principle very well.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #17 on: November 09, 2018, 12:01:48 PM »
Thank you!   

I want you to know I am not tunnel watching and I know you are only one example....but although my experience may be totally different....having your insight is beneficial.

I am not watching a time clock either.  My plan is to live each day to the fullest because when it is gone...it is gone.  I don't want to look back years from now and say...if only or I woulda, shoulda, coulda....  No regrets if I live each day as if it is my last.

I feel like I am doing my best to leave him alone.  I did not instigate no contact....but I am dark.  I would reach out to him IF I had to.   I do respond when he makes contact.  Friendly,..courteous….short but contact. 

I will admit I am an observer.  Not concentrating my life on him....but noting what I see and journaling more like a diary....memories that will someday fade and be unimportant but somehow seem like noting them is a good thing...if only for me.


Thanks again!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2018, 12:13:07 PM »
I am seeking advice.  I think I know the answer but I want to run it by the masses.

My sister in law has 3 times come to me via text volunteering my H to help me with the dogs.

I wouldn't even ask her for assistance but she volunteered...almost begged to help.  This started in July.  I don't fully trust her but I am trying to give her the benefit of doubt.

History:

1 mos ago she was to put the dogs out for me.  I get home to find out that H put the dogs out and mowed the grass instead of her.  She then said she was sorry and hoped I wasn't mad.  Told her I wasn't but I would have preferred a heads up to the change of plans.  Told her I had no issue with H helping with the dogs.  I sent him a text thanking him and he replied he loved cutting the grass and loved the dogs too.

2 or 3 days ago I asked her for help for Nov and Dec due to me being down a man at work.  I can't get home at lunch to put them out.  She said she would help when she can and when she can't perhaps H would be able and willing to help.  I didn't respond immediately and took time to think.  Eventually I responded saying   H is welcome to see the dogs anytime he wants.

Today I tried to confirm some dates with her.  She replied she was unsure about 2 of the days because her H would be around and they may do some traveling those two days.  She went on to say  "I'm sure H will do it if that's ok with you".

I have yet to respond.  I don't know how to respond.  I thought I was clear just a few days ago.   

any thoughts...feelings or feedback....please understand that my dogs do not need to go out at lunch but they are spoiled.  She drives past my house every day going from her house to her parents around lunch time so I would not be putting her or H out.   I do not want to ask H.  SIL keeps circling back.

H comes and goes to the house anyhow...with or without my permission.  He knows I could use the help and doesn't volunteer or in his state of mind...he may be oblivious to me needing the help.  I don't know.  My concern is for the dogs.   I am swallowing my pride asking her only because it is in the best interest of the dogs.   After Christmas, my parents will be around to help but they are at the hunting cabin until Christmas.


So give me some ideas on how to deal with this.  Right now I am doing nothing and fine with that.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline strawberry

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 223
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2018, 01:13:28 PM »
I feel your pain.  I recently had to ask H to dog and house sit for me.  He seemed to enjoy it but it honestly didn’t sit well with me.  The only boarding facility they do well with is an hour and a half out of my way to and from the airport but I’m going to have to suck it up in the future unless I want to have H in my house without me....which I really don’t.  I guess all that to say, go with your gut.  If they really don’t need to go out at lunch, I promise that one or two days on not being spoiled will not turn them against you.  They likely won’t even notice.
H: 43
M: 44

M: 15 years, T: 17 years, Friends: 22 years
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats

Offline Anon

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 340
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #20 on: November 09, 2018, 01:26:18 PM »
Sam, I have similar concerns with getting someone over to look after my cats when I'm away.   Early on in the crisis, H came and stayed here when I was away.  He didn't say either way if he cared or not if I asked him.   Since June though, I've decided asking H is inappropriate given the fact that we are no longer together so I've used a pet sitter instead.   It turns out H is upset that I don't ask him and has repeated saying that very recently.   Part of the reason I don't want him here is that I fear he will fly OW out here to stay with him in our house.   We have a nice house and to bring her here would be a way to show off how nice a home he owns (jointly) and what a good guy he is to 'let' me live here while he slums it in a tiny rental.      There is a basis for this fear,,,in May, H asked if I would switch residences with him for 3 days when his cousin and his W were in town so he could have them stay with him instead of booking a hotel.    I refused then staying what about OW - is she coming too?   He vigorously denied she was and I almost agreed.    It came out later that she was here in our city and her visit did indeed line up perfectly with his cousin's visit.  So I don't trust him not to bring her into our home.   Makes me sick to think he would even attempt to deceive me that way.   

Even if there was no OW I'm not sure for me it would be a good idea right now.   I'm trying to maintain my detachment and distance in order to continue to heal and to have him here while I am gone would create some confusion in my head.  Same with chores around the house and lawn cutting.  I've really discouraged it in order to create and keep a safe distance for the time being.   

If I ever felt some positive movement in his MLC and toward me then I would reconsider but for now it's a no go.   You might be different but right now this is how I need it to be for me.   

Offline exhausted

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 155
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #21 on: November 09, 2018, 01:52:36 PM »
Sam-

I understand your dilemma. It muddies the waters. I felt the same way when H came to visit last weekend and kept asking of there was anything he could help me with around the house. I don't want his help. I want to be independent. I don't need him. I think that is an important place to be for me and also for him.

I agree that if they don't need to go out, then let them be. My poor dog here has survived much longer this past fall and hasn't turned on me. I, too, would be wondering what SIL's motive is...
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #22 on: November 10, 2018, 02:47:54 PM »
I dont mind h helping IF he wanted too.  This is her volunteering him. He has never once said i can take care of the dogs for you if you need help.

I dont know how to deal with her continuing to volunteer him. I guess i really need to sit and have a convo with het alone a d set a boundary that she not interfere.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline exhausted

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 155
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #23 on: November 10, 2018, 07:32:08 PM »
meddling relatives...that is exactly why I waited so long to let my sisters know what was going on in my life. I knew they would want to get in the middle of things and try to "help." My one sister in particular has known H most of her life as she was 13 when we started dating. And H was always an over the top gentleman...we came home from college for a weekend so he could escort my middle sister to her prom.
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #24 on: November 10, 2018, 11:43:20 PM »
Attaching

M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 578
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2018, 07:49:18 AM »
Sam

Could you say to SIL something like ‘yes that’s fine if H wants to do that, get him to let me know’. If he doesn’t get in touch, your dogs will be ok without him (it seems) and if he does it keeps a bit of contact there. I would say a bit of contact is good, if you are ok with it. If he feels useful at all I think that’s good too as they can feel like they don’t know their place. When I look back there are a couple of times I am glad my H did something, I could have managed without him but it keeps a bit of contact which if you can handle that (make sure you can & with no expectations) then I believe it is good for him.

You are walking a tightrope with SIL and H just now which is tricky but you are managing good as you are thinking things through and not rushing into decisions.

Keep on being breezy girl!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5203
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #26 on: November 11, 2018, 08:04:09 AM »
Would it be simpler to just say to SiL what you said here? That you were asking for HER help...and it's ok if she can't...but you weren't asking for her to volunteer anyone else as an alternative, particularly your h given the current situation...

You can choose then if you want to ask your h. Or not. Or ask someone else, or find another solution.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2018, 08:05:31 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #27 on: November 12, 2018, 05:15:56 AM »
Thank you all for feedback. 

After reading and pondering i have decided to have a face to face talk with sil. I dont want a misinterpretation of a text or email

Basically i want to tell her I appreciate her offers to help and when she cant it is ok.  Yes my dogs can go all day long...they do it all night. I just spoil them and get them mid day romp.

I am also going to remind her that i dont have an issue with h visiting or helping with the dogs BUT to not volunteer h to me. If he wants to help he can volunteer himself. If he doesnt I respect that decision too he has to want to do it or it is a chore.   Truth he told...i dont have a problem with h at all. His actions yes...but that is all on him and will will have to atone for it one day. As long as he is being decent. I can be too.

The truth is my H comes and goes from the house. I know it and i have not stopped it as he has been respectful. I always know because he leaves a door open or a light on or he moves something i put in a pathway. He comes for clothes or comes and puts things in or takes things out of the safe or takes and returns tools   Sometimes he is obvious about being here almost like he wants me to notice. I dont say a word. I chuckle. Call him a silly man and put things back.

He just doesnt tell me when he does these things which would help me avoid a trip home.

Rose- yes i would love to have some convos with h but he is going further and further awAy from me again. I do not want to push an interaction onto him. I will respond but i cant ask him for anything. Pride....maybe. I hope not. I hope it is just me letting him he.

Treas-as always thank you for yoyr words of advice

Anon. My h used to help more too. He stopped because i think ow put pressure on him. Then she left and he moved home and helped. Then he moved. Since he has been back he had a two week flourish of helping and now crickets again. Silly men. 

Exh. I know you umdetstand. Luckily you have some family close by. My parents help when they are around but they are in the mountains now until Christmas

Fw. Welcome aboard. Love having you

Strawberry. Amazing the things wr will do for pets. Love them.

I apologize if i ovetlooked anyone. Know i read all the comments and dont take your feedback and advice lightly

Sent from my phonei apologize for grammer and spelling errors as it is near impou for me to proofread here
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #28 on: November 15, 2018, 08:31:35 AM »
Journal Update:

Still no sit down with SIL.  Our schedules have been such that we have not yet met up.  We have been texting about other things.  In particular a movie I went to and that she now wants to see.

As for H....it appears he is in an up cycle suddenly.  This all started Monday evening.

Monday:  H sent me a text that contained a picture of S's grades.  He didn't know it but S also sent to me.  His text said "not sure S sent this to you"  Me:  Thank you for sharing.  I teared up when I looked at it.  H:  He does that to me too.  So proud of that boy  Me:  I know.  He has come so far.  Hard not to be proud of him.   End of convo.

Tuesday:  I come home to discover H had been to the house.  He had brought in the pool pump.  I don't typically reach out to him but I thought it was important to recognize his good deed.  This led to another text convo.

Me:  Should I assume that you are the person to thank for bringing in the pump?
H:  Yes
Me:  Thank you.  I just noticed it.
H:  I did it last week.  Maybe Wed or Thursday
H:  I was supposed to do it when we closed the pool and got side tracked.
Me:  I appreciate you getting it inside no matter when it was.  Things happen.  Thank you very much!  Anything else I am overlooking I owe you a thanks for?
H:  I don't think anything.  I wanna get the 4 wheeler running and moved.
Me:  Ok.  I keep forgetting to get a new battery.

This brings us to Wednesday and H is at the house again.

H:  I couldn't find the key to the atv, it was on the a/c
Me:  It is in the house.  Where do you want me to put it?
H:  I'll get it tomorrow.  Put it in the ATV
H:  I took the ac to the basement an brought up the snow blower to the carport and started it to make sure it runs.  I put some gas in it that you had there
(Keep in mind we are scheduled to get 5 to 15 inches of snow today and this changed overnight.  Yesterday they were only calling for 1 to 3 inches of snow so having the SB readily available is a huge deal if we get more and 6 inches)
Me:I can't thank you enough.  I was trying to figure out who I could call to help me get the SB up to the house.  Thank you very much.  I didn't notice the ac was moved.  Thank you for that too.
Me:  In case I forget, the atv key is on the key rack inside the back door.
H:  Your welcome
Me:  Do you want me to get a new battery for the ATV
H:  I'll just jump it for now.  Doesn't make sense to get a new battery and let it sit over the winter.
H:  I am gonna move the atv to the shed
H:  Is that ok?
Me:  That fine.  I'll make room.
H:  I think it will fit in front of the mower.
H:  sent me a picture of a special coupon he got from work for the grocery store
H:  You can have this if you want it.
Me:  Ok...thanks...I'll use it to get groceries for Thanksgiving dinner

Today - I find that my recycling is out.

Me:  Thanks for putting out the recycling.
H:  I don't think I did it.  I let the dogs out by D3 wouldn't go out.
Me:  Hmmm.  The recycling was roadside this am.
H:  Wasn't me
Me:  Hmm.  Ok.  Thanks for putting the dogs out  I am out of town today so they will appreciate it.

Last time this happened....H suddenly started doing things then just as suddenly had a total withdrawal that lasted about a month.

Still have not seem him or talked to him in person.  He only comes to the house while I am at work.  Convos are text only.  He is still distant from D.  He didn't go to see the kids this week.  Big bummer for them.

Now ME: 

I am doing so well.  I have been so busy, yet I am still taking time for me.  I manage to walk at least 2 miles a day at least 5 days a week.  I go out at least one night a week for a glass of wine with some friends.  I talk to some LBS friends daily and we share our stories and our experiences.  I come here as needed to journal.  I also get great advice and support here when I need it.  Thank you to those special people who have helped me out via PMs.

I am really taking care of me and sadly I do think of H less and less often during the day.  I am checking the phone logs less and less.  H have moved out of his parents house.  I would love to know where he is living but that is just due to my curious nature.   As long as he is safe is my only concern now.  I could snoop to figure out where he isn't living....to be honest, it is not worth the gas money to drive around and see....let alone that is minutes of my day I could spend with my dogs vs driving around looking for where he may not be living.  So I have not caved to my innate curiosity to snoop into this living arrangements.

It was nice to hear from him the last few days...yet scary because I know it is only a matter of time until he pulls away and goes super dark again.   I accept it is a part of the process and take it as nothing else.   It was suggested to use these moments to pave the way and I believe I did that.  No expectations.  I know it is just a cycle and nothing more.  I do truly appreciate the work he did as I would have to pay someone else to do it.  I thanked him and didn't continue to try to carry on the convos.  (At least I don't think I did)

I know it is probably wrong, but I did get him a small trinket as a gift of appreciation.  It cost $2 and it gets him a free Jr Frosty in 2019 when he buys something at Wendy's.  He loves Frosty's and enjoys eating at Wendy's.  The $2 donation goes to a charity so even if never used....it is a benefit to some organization.

So, we are getting snow today... Yeah!  I love all the season.  First snow of the season is fun and awesome.  I get to play in it today!  Shoveling sidewalks and plowing the driveway.  I love it!




Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 787
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #29 on: November 15, 2018, 08:51:10 AM »
Good post Sam:

I love the snow too, and we're getting 2-4 inches tonight.

It seems like H has been turning toward you.
Hes comfortable doing things for the house and for you.
Hes not comfortable WITH you yet though.

You've done a great job of paving the way for him and he's feeling that.
He's also seeing you living your life, as if...

Keep up the great work!
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #30 on: November 15, 2018, 09:58:15 AM »
Sea:  Thanks for your support!  2 to 4 inches is just a tease!  LOL!  I do mean of snow!

H is cycling up right now...but I also know it won't last and I am ok with that.  He will do some things and then fall of the face of the earth for awhile.  It's all good because I am I am in a really good place.  It makes all of it so much easier!  Wish I could have felt this way since the get go....but I grew into it over the last year and I am a better now because of all this mlc crap. 

For the most part he has always been comfortable around the house and has invested time...no money but time into it over the last year.  He loves our home.  Always has!

Please take care of yourself!  Stay safe in your storm!

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #31 on: November 15, 2018, 03:19:15 PM »
Sam, I think you are showing grace toward your H when you acknowledge his efforts.  These MLCers seem to have very little self esteem and frankly feel like failures.  What a rotten place to be in...

Glad you are in a good place.  For you, Sam, places other than ‘good’ don’t have a hold on you.  Excellent!   :)

(((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline exhausted

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 155
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #32 on: November 15, 2018, 04:26:03 PM »
Sam-

We are in the rain territory now...I shoveled heavy, wet slush!!

I wish I had your ability to stay what I call "above the line." I have not been able to treat my H with the grace you are so good at.
« Last Edit: November 15, 2018, 05:32:24 PM by exhausted »
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline notdoneyet

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 204
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #33 on: November 15, 2018, 04:43:33 PM »
Ditto what Seahorse said!

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #34 on: November 16, 2018, 02:37:18 AM »
Sea:  Thanks for your support!  2 to 4 inches is just a tease!  LOL!  I do mean of snow!

<Snort!>  Now Sam, behave yourself! ROFL!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #35 on: November 16, 2018, 09:28:50 AM »
UM - I was being good.  Just worried about other minds wondering the wrong way....You understand!  Ha Ha

Not and Exh - We ended up with about 14 inches of snow.  Got 8 inches, then got rain and another 6 inches then some more rain.  After the rain stopped we had 8 inches of snow with 3 inches of slush to be plowed.   I got it all cleaned up and loved playing in the snow.

Don't sell yourselves short!  You both have grace for your H's too.  You are living with the consequences of MLC and giving your H's opportunities to come through it.  Just don't put your lives on hold while waiting for them.  Your love for them still shows and your strength is growing every day.  Keep your course and keep the love in your hearts and the grace will come from there!

Update on me:

I did not sleep last night.  It was worry and realization both.  Worry due to H being on the roads and I had no idea where he was traveling.  Just knew that roads were bad...really bad.  I checked the phone records more than normal.  As long as there was activity there...I knew he was ok.  All activity stopped at 1:30 so I hopped he was home.  Ended up falling asleep around 3 30 and up at 6 to clean snow.  It was so beautiful this am.

Any how...the realization I came to.  I was talking to kitty yesterday and she was telling me how her H came to her apt with a hidden agenda to retrieve some things.  Thinking on this...I realized that my H has also showed some hidden agendas.   I believe that his coming to the house to do things has a hidden agenda.  He benefits in some way from this. 

In the past, he has purchased some things for me....hidden agenda.   There are other things do that I can see started about a month prior to BD.  This was an eye opener.  Now I look at things and where before I just shrugged some things off....now I wonder what could be his hidden agenda.  Then I realize I will probably never know and accept it for what it is.  So my guard is up...but I am not letting it interfere with my life in any way shape or form.

It is such a relief to find these things and face them and move forward with them.   

I hope every one has a great weekend.  Make sure you find something to smile about each and every day!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #36 on: November 16, 2018, 10:18:23 AM »
Sam, give him to God, including his safety.  I know, it’s easy to say...  I remember being in a heightened state of alert because of H’s drinkdriving, so I understand your concerns about your H’s safety.  It takes a long time to entirly give him up to God but it does happen eventually.  You do care but in a peaceful (resigned?) way.   This attitude takes some work and lots of prayers.  It’s essentially giving up one more aspect of our deisre to fix or control.   Well, that’s how it was with me, anyhow.

As far as his hidden agenda is concerned, all will be revealed in due time, I’m sure.  MLCers are like little kids.  They think if they close their eyes, you can’t see them.  Chuckle...

((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #37 on: November 16, 2018, 12:09:27 PM »
Acorn:  You are totally right.  I do need to take that next step of letting go.  I need to focus more on that.  This is the first time he was driving in bad weather where he didn't at least text and/or call to let me know he was safe at certain points.  Last year at the beginning of mlc, we were still talking and he was updating me. 

Thanks for pointing out what I need to focus one.  Promise I will work on it.  It will take time....time is on my side right.  I do need time too.  I need time to continue to heal and grow!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 787
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #38 on: November 16, 2018, 01:09:47 PM »
Sam - it's unconditional love...
You (we all) have plenty of time.
Work on ourselves and care for ourselves and our families.

Hugs on this snowy, beautiful day.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #39 on: November 19, 2018, 10:33:04 AM »
Sea....thank you.  You are right.  It is unconditional love.  It isn't easy but it is love for sure!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #40 on: November 19, 2018, 10:49:53 AM »
Journal Entry:

So when you are reading this, you may think I am a bit cra cra and truth is...I am.  Ha Ha!


I have been coming on here and posting about being happy.  I often wonder...despite everything....am I really happy.  I feel happy.  I chose this title because I really am taking control of my life now.  I am not just doing to get by.  I am living and thriving.

So yesterday I got up early and went to the grocery store.  They were playing music as always but today it was not elevator music.  It was music from the 80's.  Music I knew and grew up with.  I didn't realize it but while walking through the grocery store...I started to sing out loud.  Good thing there was not many people there...because I can't sing.  I can't dance either.  However, I found myself singing in the grocery store without thought to who was around.  I was just enjoying the song.  I realized it when I stuck my head in the freezer and my horrible singing echoed back.

When I got home...I started to play music while I was putting stuff away. (  I often have music playing in the background when working)  Before long I realized I was not only singing but I was dancing too.  I can't dance either.  I have little to no artistic ability at all. 

What I didn't really realize is I have been doing this for sometime but I never realized I was singing and dancing in the house and singing in public.

I only realized it when my grandson came to visit.  He heard the music when he walked into the house and ran up to me and reached up and said ants ants.  I don't him silly...there are no ants in the house.  D says to me...Mom...he want to dance with you.  So I picked him up and we started to dance.  When I would stop...he would bounce and put his head side to side and say ants. 

When we finally finished I ask D when he learned to ask to dance.  She told me it was the week they stayed with me.  I guess there were several times I picked him up and was dancing to the music while doing something for them.  I had so much concentration on the task at hand that I didn't realize I was singing and dancing with GS. 

So long story short...I am singing and dancing around because I am happy and it makes me happy without me putting an thought to it.  I really didn't believe D until she showed me a video of me dancing a few weeks back with GS and a big smile on my face.  It was embarrassing and she knew it but took it lovingly and shared with her B and H.  They laugh.  I laugh too because I do not have any dancing or singing talent . 

All is good.  It is all in fun.

So...I am happy and I am loving life and I am glad we can't put embarrassing videos on here or my D would do it for sure!  LOL

Other than this...not much to report.  H is H and oing his thing.  A few random texts this weekend.  All logistics.

Oh...SIL reached out to me today to tell me she would help with the dogs and H was also willing to help.  I just replied I appreciate the help.
She also told m that my inlaws were coming up for Thanksgiving with us on Thursday.  I didn't ask about her or H.  Just thanked her for letting me know and I looked forward to them being there.

Ok...thats all now.  In case I don't find my way back here...Happy Thanksgiving to those of us in the States.  Enjoy the turkey comas!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #41 on: November 19, 2018, 11:41:27 AM »
Yeh, girl, you keep singin’ and dancing’!  You live today only once. Can’t waste it, can we?!
Well, I wish I could have peek at that video of your ‘performance’.  ;D
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline exhausted

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 155
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #42 on: November 19, 2018, 06:48:17 PM »
Dance like no one's watching is one of my favorite sayings!!
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #43 on: November 21, 2018, 08:58:53 AM »
Acorn:  There was a time I would have been embarrased if that video leaked.  Not that way anymore.  It is the silly part of me that most people don't get to see.  That is the real homebody loving life me.  Just doing and being.  I do try to make the best of everyday. 

Exh:  I am so bad at singing and dancing, that I hope no one ever is watching. 

Journaling -

Not much to say right now.  Wishing everyone who celebrates it a Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow and a cautious Black Friday and an enjoyable Dear Lonely Ladies Day on Monday.  To Everyone else:  Happy Thursday, Enjoy your Friday and Take it easy on Monday!

I am having family over tomorrow.  My D and her tribe.  My inlaw (MIL/FIL).  H was invited.  It is unknown if he is coming or not and quite honestly I am fine with whatever decision he makes.  It seems really odd to say I won't be hurt if he doesn't show up.  I think I feel that as long as he has no interest in being with me I would rather him stay away compared to him dropping crumbs.  However, I would love for him to show up and see D and her kids.  Going on three weeks again of him not taking time to visit.

No matter what tomorrow is gonna be a great day of family time and eating.  Friday I get both grandkids and my nephew is coming over to help entertain for the day.

My daughter is moving in for the weekend since her H is gonna be away...so the house will be full and busy.  Was hoping to get my Christmas tree on Saturday but the weather is not on my side so it will have to wait until next week.

Next week...wow...next weekend we are having our 1st Annual Winterfest in our town.  I am a co-chair and so excited.  So much planned for the the community and the kids.   Gonna be exciting and this week is going to be crazy busy!  So many little things to finish up before next Friday when we finish pulling everything together for Saturday.  Yeah!

H - Well not much to say there.  He is a little odd right now.  My sil let me know that he took care of my dogs yesterday.  I didn't hear from him so I dropped him a thank you.  He replied - Your welcome, anytime.   Hmmm  Anytime.   If he wanted to help more he would volunteer...he doesn't and I won't ask.  Just can't bring myself to do it.  Now if he actually said to me that he is willing to help, then I would ask him on an occasion but not often.

He then followed up and told me he liked the floors.   We have solid wood floors.  White oak with a natural finish.  I found a new floor polish designed for high traffic floors and it puts a beautiful finish on the floors.  With 3 dogs, the finish takes a beating.  It blew my mind that he noticed the floors but didnt notice the big green and white box sitting next to the door with his name on it full of his stuff for him to go through.  That went untouched and is stil sitting on my countertop.  Ugh.

Anyhow, I probably won't be on for the next few days due to being hectic.  I don't post too much but I do try to keep up on as many posts that I can.

Everyone take care!   

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #44 on: November 21, 2018, 10:02:48 AM »
He noticed it and decided NOT to go through it.... Again.....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Rising Phoenix

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 872
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #45 on: November 21, 2018, 10:18:09 AM »
Have a fab winter fest Sam xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2130
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #46 on: November 21, 2018, 05:42:13 PM »
Happy Thanksgiving Sam!  Enjoy your family tomorrow.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #47 on: November 22, 2018, 09:03:53 AM »
Happy Thanksgiving, Sam!
You showed your heart and grace by inviting him to TG dinner.
He may not turn up but trust me, he will remember your grace.  What you hold in your heart will always show in your words and actions, sooner or later. 
If you hold anger and bitterness, he will see and feel them.
If you hold unconditional love and grace, he will see and feel them.
Of course, one must practice unconditional love towards our own selves to know what it is that we are giving to others. 

Enjoy all the blessing in your life, especially today.

((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #48 on: November 22, 2018, 05:49:02 PM »
Hi All,

Didn't expect to be able to update tonight, but I got done with everything early.  Meal made, served, cleaned up, got in a 2 miles walk, yacked with a friend and now it is time to relax.  As I am chilling, I grabbed the computer and decided to update and check in. 

UM - The box is gone today.  While prepping for lunch SIL pointed it out to H.  H asked me if that box was for him.  In my mind I am thinking that big box with your name in floursecent pink with your junk inside)  Yes it is yours.  Stuff I find while cleaning.  You can do with it as you want or take it down to storage.  H grabbed it and put it in his trunk.  Thank you SIL.
RP - Looking forward to it.  I'll let you know next week.
FW - Thank you and I hope you and your family has a great TG holiday too!
Acorn - As always, your words of wisdom seem to hit home.  Thank you.

So...H turned up today.  He brought his parents...stayed 2.5 hours then left with parents.

When he first came in, I could sense he was not comfortable.  I noticed changes in him.  He is back to having a full beard vs a goatee.  He lost weight and looks good.  I didn't tell him that...but I did point out that I notice he lost weight.  This got him talking a bit then he took off to follow sil downstairs and I continued to cook.  Other things I noticed or was forced to notice was:

1.  He talked a lot about himself and wanted to talk about how his job was the day he had to drive in the storm last week.  This was brought up several times.
2.  When ever I asked sil to help me with something, H almost always managed to help sil.
3.  H got a tattoo.  He approached me and pulled his sleeve up to show me.  I asked him questions about the tattoo in general but nothing specific.  He was happy to talk about it.  This is the reason why he couldn't take D to the dr a few weeks ago.
4.  He didn't talk to D much and they were sitting side by side.
5.  He played with GS.  At first GS was backwards but he kept trying with him and eventually GS started to play back.
6.  He was the first done eating and then held GD when she got fussy so others could finish eating.
7.  He took a selfie of him and gd together.  He then held her until she fell asleep.
8.  He had his phone but was not obsessed by his phone.
9.  He talked about what he was doing to loose weight.  Said he is not very hungry and usually only eating lunch because he takes his parents out daily.
10.  Informed me that I didn't notice that he collected leaves from half the hard and he pointed out to me where he stopped.  I agreed with him...I didn't notice.  He then told me he did it the day we got 14 inches of snow.  He had to stop clearing when the snow started.  Told him I missed noticing because there was 6 inches of snow on the ground when I got home.

This sort of confirmed a suspicion I have had.  I wondered if H has been coming around and doing things to get the kudos.  I try to make sure to thank him for the big things and let the little things go or ignore some of his comings and goings.  Now I feel confident that he is doing things just to see what I do notice or don't notice.  Silly boy! 

11.  Told the dogs as he was leaving that he would see them tomorrow when he comes by to put them out.  I informed him that I closed the offices tomorrow and I would be home all day.  He then told Dog 3 that he would see her on Monday.  He was going hunting but would stop by to let them out.
12.  H is going hunting.  H gave up hunting.  It was boring and no fun.  He had no ambition.  H is going hunting.  Even collected his gun today to take it with him to get it sited in before Monday.
13.  H complained to sil that I removed the dehumidifier from the safe.  Sil told him I didn't do that and to look around it had to be somewhere.  Sil told H that I have been anal about keeping it charged to keep the safe dry.  H looked around and found it where I had placed it on the charger.  Thank you sil for sticking up for me.
14.  When he left, he picked up GS and got hugs and kisses from him and gave him some back.  Then he announced loudly that the food was good and thank you for inviting us. 
15.  When he was talking about his weight, said he hadn't weighed himself lately but he liked to use sisers scale because it is an older dr's scale like WE have downstairs.  I almost laughed out loud and wanted to say WE?   We as in ME...that is mine...you vacated the property.  I didn't.  I was good.
16.  He asked me about a new pub I have been frequenting and why I liked it there.  This proves he has been stalking my social media.
17.  Told me his is getting exercise playing pickle ball on Monday mornings.
18.  He was very happy to share barber shop gossip while we were eating and complain about a local restaurant.
19.  He was updating me on some local deaths that he learned  about at the barber shop too.  Ugh.

Overall, to anyone else, H seemed pretty normal.  He smiled and laughed.  He spent some time alone on his phone but very little and very sporadic.  No more or less than anyone else.  I noticed he liked to circle convos back to be about him.  I was able to sit and observe a lot.  No Harley clothes.  He actually put on a polo shirt, nice jeans and boots.  He refused a drink.  He hair and beard where nice and trim.  Even though he lost weight, he was looking good because he had put on about 40 lbs just prior to and at the beginning of BD.  Now he is getting back down to his more normal size.  However, if he continues to loose weight, he will be going under what is normal for him.  Just said he is not hungry most of the time so he doesn't eat. 

Overall I think today went well.  I was a bit on edge but I don't think it showed.  I just stayed away.  I was on edge because this is still new stomping grounds for me.  So I used today to mostly sit back, observe, listen to him and others and just be me.  I was relaxed but my brain kept telling me to zip the lips and stay away from where H was as much as possible. 

I had a great day.  Good food and most of the family was here.  Missed my son but he is having a nice holiday with his friends in AZ.  I am happy for him too.


Hope you all stay safe and frugal during Black Friday!  I am babysitting the grandkids so I will be pooped tomorrow night!  Love it!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Mitzpah

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5699
  • Gender: Female
  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #49 on: November 23, 2018, 03:45:06 AM »
Sam,

You are sounding good! Great that you managed TG in one piece! We don't celebrate Tg here in Brazil, but I remember the first Christmas that I managed to not get stressed out and relax a bit at the end of the day!

What you are saying about having your h. there reminds me so much of the first Christmas my h. spent with us after the separation - the initial awkwardness with other members of the family, with me - yet, by the end of the day, things had become smoother and he even started to help me clear up after my parents had gone :o  Of course, he only came for Christmas a few years ago in 2016, it coincided with the time he moved out from living with ow. Up till then he had spent the previous Christmases with her and her family, my kids would miss out my Christmas day celebration in order to go to him. At least they spent Christmas eve and meal with me (it's a big deal in Brazil).

I know the feeling of instinctively keeping your lips zipped  :-X :) I still have it ::)


Overall I think today went well.  I was a bit on edge but I don't think it showed.  I just stayed away.  I was on edge because this is still new stomping grounds for me.  So I used today to mostly sit back, observe, listen to him and others and just be me.  I was relaxed but my brain kept telling me to zip the lips and stay away from where H was as much as possible. 


I do the same - I try not to be in the same space all the time and be present with other people too ;)
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 787
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #50 on: November 24, 2018, 12:42:50 AM »
Sam -
Catching up since not much time for phone convos.
Sounds like so many positive things going on in your life, on so many levels.

Cant wait to hear how winterfest goes next weekend!

Want to see you sing and dance - hopefully soon!
We can do a duet or something...

H is making so many changes; they sound for the better.
Good that youre able to stay detached and not push him further away by pursuing and questioning.

You’re going a great job!  Keep it up.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #51 on: November 26, 2018, 12:17:19 PM »
Mitz - TY for relating your story.  Makes me feel more "normal" through all of this.

Sea - I will make everything as positive as possible.  Much better than wallowing.  Won't do that ever again.  H is having some up cycle moves right now...but I know it won't last so I accept it for what it is for now.  We will talk more soon!  Take care!

Hi all...it is Dear Lonely Ladies Day here in PA.  Meaning the men are all our hunting and the woman are all alone.  Many screaming oh heck yeah after them being underfoot since Thanksgiving!   LOL!

Me...I am at my office and busier than the d!ckens.  Love days off but when I go back to my office...it just means more catch up work. 

So here my update with happening with H:

Friday - nothing
Saturday - I needed to borrow his truck on a future date.  My dad will be out of town or I would use his truck to get my Christmas tree.  I hated to do it, but I asked.  His response  "You know you can use it whenever you want.  Also I will be by on Monday or Tuesday.  I'll get the big TV out."    My response was simply OK..TY.
Sunday:  I get a text from H.  "Do you mind if I come up and look for some hunting clothes, mainly looking for a orange coat".  What H doesn't realize is that he doesn't have nor ever had an orange hunting coat.  In the past he never purchased one because he wouldn't hunt in gun season....he did his hunting during archery.  If he did go out with the kids, he wore a vest and hat only....not a coat.   

Since I knew he would be inside searching, I made myself busy outside.  When he arrived, he backed over my string of Christmas lights.  He didn't realize it.  He got out of his truck and went inside to look for stuff.  I stayed outside.   He came out and I was burning (attempting to) rubbish.  It didn't work so I headed to the house to get some more paper for starting the fire.  He met me with more burnables he had.  Took the lighter and fire starter and went and started the fire for me.  I moved onto decorating and trying to figure out why my lights were not working (except for the string he crushed...lol)  He realized what he did and apolgozied.  Told him no biggie...I had spare bulbs.  I was getting no where and he came over and found the issue.  I blew a fuse.  He replaced the fuse for me.

He then started to leave...asked if I had any leftovers.  I did...so he went inside and was making some sammies.  I continued on the lights....blew another fuse and threw out the old strings.  Decided to buy new.  H came out...asked where the lights were and I told him.  He agreed with tossing and asked what I was gonna do now.  Told him I was online shopping.  He volunteered that I should consider getting rope lights.  I agreed and asked him his opinion on blue ones.  He looked at the house and say it would match the shutters and trim.   I was thinking the same so I ordered blue rope lights.   

He started for the truck again saying he had to get going there were things he had to do before going to work.  As he was getting ready to pull out, he called back, "If you need help putting up the lights, give me a hollar."  Told him I would keep it in mind once the lights arrived.  I didn't commit myself.

Today:  SIL sends me a text that H is stopping by to let the dogs out and get some leftover pie.   I sent him a TY text and also told him where to find the pie.  Response:  "Oh...I found it"  He loves my coconut cream pie.  Raves about it still so it did't surprise me he went on the hunt to find it.

So...my thoughts and feelings.  I am still in observing mode.  Sometimes I gotta chuckle.  Last year it was the leftovers that started a flurry of t&g's for a few months.  This year we seem to be back to that again.  Last year he volunteered to hang up lights and I jumped at the chance to spend time with him.  This year, I realize he could change his mind until that time comes around and I also could be wanting to put up the lights when he is not available.  I am more than capable of putting them up myself.  I have no issues climbing the ladder and installing the new lights.  I didn't plan on having help in the first place.

I believe it took a lot for him to volunteer.  I will make an attempt to ask him to help if it works for him when I am ready.  I am not expecting the help but I would welcome it. 


Sadly, while I was typing the above, I rcvd a call from H.  I almost didn't answer.  I did.  It wasn't good.    He just got a call from his sister.  Her H died suddenly today.  He called to let me.  My heart is breaking for my SIL.  She is in the horrible position of having to tell his kids.  They lost their mom 4 or 5 years ago to cancer.  Very sad.  Please keep the families in your prayers.  No matter how bad MLC may be for us....nothing is as final as death. 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #52 on: November 26, 2018, 04:51:28 PM »
You are gracious, Sam.  You could pout and refuse all his offers of help but you didn’t, simply because you are being the bigger person.  You let him work out his guilt through acts of service.  Good for you.  I see you allowing him to do all those things for you as paving the way.  You could have easily refused but you didn’t.  Your heart is big, Sam.

I’m so sorry to hear about your SIL’s troubles.
They are on my prayer list for tonight.

(((((((HUGS)))))))0
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anon

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 340
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #53 on: November 26, 2018, 04:59:44 PM »
Quote
You let him work out his guilt through acts of service.  Good for you.  I see you allowing him to do all those things for you as paving the way.

I let my H do things for me early after BD but then I worked hard to do everything in order to avoid asking him for help.   Not because I didn't need or want the help but because I understood it was best to show them we are plenty capable without them.   This was supposed to be desirable, I understood.  Or maybe if they offer it's okay to let them but if we ask it's not so good?

These days though, my motivation is different.  I want to do things myself because I don't want to see him or have him hanging around.  I think I'd rather call a service man for a fee than call my H to do something for me.   

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #54 on: November 27, 2018, 06:55:45 AM »
Acorn -
Quote
You could pout and refuse all his offers of help but you didn’t, simply because you are being the bigger person.

Bigger person?  I don't think this way.  I think I am being me and ME is not the type of person to kick someone else when they are down. Yet I think there is a fine line that could easily be crossed to enabler.   There are times I would like to decline his help...however some wise people have helped to guide me through this process.  If this helps him to deal with his shame and guilt, I am more than happy to allow the things to happen.  Plus I really don't mind the help.

What hurts is seeing glimpses of the old H and then getting the obnoxious whiff of the MLC H and seeing him as the doppleganger which is not his true personality.

Thank you for your support and encouragement.  Thank you for being one the guiding lights show those of us coming behind you what true grace is to a MLCer.

Anon -
Quote
Or maybe if they offer it's okay to let them but if we ask it's not so good?
  I believe this is the key.  Let them come and volunteer and when they do YOU get to decide if it is in your best interest or not.  I am not asking H for help.  I am letting him volunteer and then I set it things up when it benefits me.  If he is still available and wants to help....great...if not, I am prepared to do it alone.   The only thing I have asked for is the use of the truck and since it was purchased while we are still married, I technically own half of it.  LOL.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1141
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #55 on: November 27, 2018, 06:58:39 AM »
Thoughts and prayers to your SIL and her husbands kids. Life can change in the blink of an eye indeed.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1811
  • Gender: Male
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #56 on: November 27, 2018, 07:07:47 AM »
So sorry about SIL Sam.
Your so right, I know we have horrible days, but some have it so much worse.
I've said many times I feel as if I'm enabling my W to keep going in la la land.
It may be, but I can't make myself change in that category. If I'm wrong in the end, well I'll have to face it.  Until then I'll keep being me.
Your doing good Sam , keep it up.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #57 on: November 27, 2018, 08:03:45 AM »
I feel really odd posting this update, but I need to do it for me.  I like the trail of activities that occur so I can look back later.

So yesterday H called me regarding the death of BIL.  (sisters H).  I found out later that I was his first call and it happened immediately after he got the call from his sister.  I was floored that I was the first person he reached out to.

He then called D, S, cousin before attempting to reach out to OW.  Lastly his bro (which is very hard to get in touch with) then his parents and other friends and family members.

Later in the day he sent me a text.  I was driving and he called me.  He had some logistic questions about health care and social security benefits.  It was a really odd call.  Surprised he called.  He wanted to drive his S to Mass where the body was but she wouldn't let him.  This hurt him.  He wanted to be there for her.  As we were talking he suddenly had to go.  Said he would talk to me later.  I knew he wouldn't call and I didn't expect him too.  It was just strange how he suddenly ended the call.  Told me he had to go his sister was calling.  Turned out no one was calling.  Whatever happened, he abruptly ended the phone call he started for the purpose of gaining info.

At first I worried I said something wrong...as I replayed the convo, all I did was answer his questions on if his sister qualified for SSI and how her medical would work.  He also told me he had to tell his parents and it was hard.  His dad didn't remember him.  (BIL was at their house on Thanksgiving trimming some trees for him - He has alzheimers) and his mom was taking it hard.  I just agreed with him that she was concerned about her daughter.  MIL is also a very kind hearted woman.  Always said she was too nice.  So no...I don't recall saying anything wrong but something went sideways that caused him to cut off the call and end it with a lie instead of....hey..I gotta go.

My next thoughts were how is this gonna affect him.  I did some research and what i got from it is that 1.  It could help move him along.  2.  It could have little to no affect.  3.  It can cause him to spiral into a deeper and darker replay.

As I thought about the possible outcomes I had a weird peace inside me.  I understand that what will be will be.  If he spirals deeper it is because he needs it in same way.  Only he can control how he will deal with this now and in the future.  So, I am just going to stay in observing mode and see what happens.  I expect nothing but I do have concerns for both H and SIL.  I didn't always trust her motives but she didn't deserve this either!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #58 on: November 27, 2018, 08:08:35 AM »
66 - Thank you for the prayers and concerns.  They need it!  Rcvd an email from SIL, she is doing OK considering everything. 

Helping -
Quote
I've said many times I feel as if I'm enabling my W to keep going in la la land.
It may be, but I can't make myself change in that category. If I'm wrong in the end, well I'll have to face it.  Until then I'll keep being me

This hits the nail on the head for me.  I used to fret and worry so much about doing the right things.  I was advised to just be me.  I pretty much do that.  Now I struggle with being the quiet form of me.  I can be opinionated and I can get gabby so zipping the lips is my worry now.  I just keep talking to myself in my head.  I am also trying to practice on others.   I need a lot of practice!  LOL

Anyhow...thanks everyone for your support!  I am well...my concerns are for the others involved right now.  Thanks for listening!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 578
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #59 on: November 27, 2018, 12:45:09 PM »
Sam

You are doing great with H. Accepting his help but not expecting it is a good way forward if you can handle it. It’s walking the tightrope as Anon says. Not too much, not too little! And Acorn is spot on with it being their acts of service, I hadn’t thought of it like that.

I am devastated for your SIL and her H and the children. Especially if their Mom has also died, it’s tragic and so unfair. I am thinking of you all.

Sending love
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Anon

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 340
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #60 on: November 27, 2018, 06:22:31 PM »
Sorry to hear Sam that you and your SIL/kids are dealing with this.  You sound like your handling it well.   I'm not sure how I would do in the same spot.   At the very least, it would be painful but awkward as well.

As far as your H suddenly having to hang up and lying about it.... well, my H does that every so often too and it's always because a co-worker is calling, his D or S, or sister,,,,,but everytime it's actually been because the OW is calling.   For some reason, he just can't handle not answering it and just letting her leave a message. 

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #61 on: November 28, 2018, 11:47:57 AM »
Rose - Thanks for your thoughts and support.   I keep trying...that is all I can do.The ball is basically in his court.  He has to do what he has to do.  I am living my life and not I am not miserable.  The tightrope is a challenge.  Practice makes perfect right.  All this is practice for the future when he is coming through things.

I want to tell you that like you I have HOPE for a resurrected marriage.  However, I also faced that it may never happen and it will be sad but I won't let it suck me down.  I guess when the time is right, we will no in the future what the outcome will be, either by their choosing or ours.

Keep your chin up...I am rooting for you!

Anon - Sorry to hear about your hang ups too.  What was weird with this one is that no one was calling.  First time we talked on the phone since August and bang...I gotta go.   I would have been less surprised if it had been the ow.  Glad it wasn't.  So H was just acting weird again.

Journal Entry:

H continues his acts of service.  He is letting the dogs out daily.  I didn't ask him.  He just started doing it.  Yesterday he asked if they needed out.  Today he texted that he let them out and helped himself to turkey and advised me that mayo was getting low.  I just had to laugh.  H of old was very good at updating me when we were running low on stuff.  Also he texted multiple times and kept a convo going for a few more times.

I advised him that there was more mayo in the cupboard.  He then said only 4 slices of bread left and I noticed a neighbors tree came down in our yard.  He said the neighbor needs to cut down the dead trees on our property because they fall onto our property, we clean it up and it damages our healthy trees.  He then volunteered sil to cut up the fallen trees.

Another good thing he did was to finally reached out to D and was snapping her yesterday and today. 

Sad thing is that we have seen this before.  He does the friendly things and then basically goes into silent mode for awhile, then back again.  I am enjoying and observing and just waiting for him to back off again.  I know it will happen eventually.  In the meantime, I am taking the advice of some wonderful people and letting him soothe his soul by doing work around the house.  Acts of service is what Acorn called it to help with his quilt.  So be it.  If that is what he needs...ok as long as he stays respectful to me and my property.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #62 on: November 29, 2018, 12:36:23 PM »
Oh what a fun day I am having...sense the sarcasm please. 

I get a call that the permits for the Winterfest never came through....um so we have to change the venue at the last minute and the new venue has less electric so we need to bring in a generator....and we need to get Boro permission and do all this before noon!   Thanks to a lot of wonderful people and my newly acquired cool head...we worked together to get everything done.  It was frantic.   But it is done!

I say cool head because I was not always calm, cool and collected.  I was a hot head and I reacted with emotions.  Thanks to mlc I have learned to sit back and think and breathe.   So I got the bad news...took a deep breathe and said to the other parties....no finger pointing over the error...let brainstorm options and get this taken care of.  And we did.

This is one of those mlc benefits...one of the blessings.  One of those things I can sit back and say life would have been less chaotic if I knew some of this crap 30 years ago.   Better late than never!

So that obstacle is done and we are moving forward.  I look at my watch and no word from H regarding the dogs.  I was about to text him when I picked up my phone and saw I had 3 snaps from him over 30 mins earlier.  Oops.     I opened the first....it melted my heart.  It was a selfie of H (not a good one but tell me of an mlcer who does look fantastic).  At the bottom it said "Miss You"   I was taken back.  On the verge of tears.  I starred at it for a good 30 seconds.   Then I opened the next snap.  It was a text that said..."I don't know what I just sent you....it was supposed to be this..."   I open up the 3rd snap...it is a short video of the mess my dogs made when they got into the garbage today.

Ugh...so Miss you is for someone else obviously and since he didn't know what he sent he probably does realize he sent it to me and not her.  haha.  So she gets miss you selfies and I get garbage snap videos.   Nice. At least this is one she didn't get.

Now I sit back and laugh and shake my head.  Sadly I am ok with it all.  It is disappointing it was not meant for me but I am not sad or mad about it either.  Just one of those things that happen in replay and I have to just laugh it off.  Then I contacted a friend and shared it and let my frustrations out.

So H ended up responding to my text regarding me cleaning up and then talked about the trees again until I let it end.  Such a confused man.  Sad!  He can sen her selfies and chat with me about the maintenance of the property like it is just no big deal.   Silly silly man! 
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 787
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #63 on: November 29, 2018, 05:43:53 PM »
Sam:

I'm so glad that MLC has made you a calm, cool, collected person.
You handled the crisis perfectly -- you figured out the problem, worked as a team and got the problem fixed.  All with the required time.  Proud of you!

Sorry about the incorrectly sent snap.  I got a text from H once about how he was daydreaming about having me bent over his kitchen island, but it wasn't meant for me.  UGH.
I was thinking about your H's snap though, and he could have meant to send that he misses you because you aren't there to clean up the mess?   ???  Who knows?  Like you said, he's going through what he needs to go through.
It's not fun, but you're letting him go which is what needs to happen.
You're handling it perfectly.

It is crazy how they can live two different lives almost.

You're doing amazingly well.  Good luck on Saturday.

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5203
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #64 on: November 29, 2018, 10:37:19 PM »
Glad with a stonewalling vanisher I never got these. Surprisingly common though, enough to wonder if it is always a 'mistake' actuallly or just passive aggressive folderol.
You were very cool and calm though, Sam. Not sure I would have been, but as you say, just goes with the all round nonsense and glad you were able to shrug it off. Not sure I would have been talking (listening) to him blether about trees etc afterwards as you did but you are obviously made of stronger stuff than I was ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6973
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #65 on: November 30, 2018, 03:08:23 AM »
I'm with Treasur on that one... I don't know if I'd have been able NOT to send him back the selfie with a very pointed comment attached....

Good thing that cooler heads prevail so nicely...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #66 on: November 30, 2018, 06:04:07 AM »
Sea - Hard to tell what he was thinking but I doubt it was about me but funny that it ended up coming to me.  Glad my "error" from him was not sexual.  I can handle the miss you with the fake smile and dead eyes.  At least I got to see how he was feeling when he was trying to snap her.  He was not real for sure.

Treas - I don't think I am stronger than you.  I believe you are a very strong woman.  I have read your story and no matter what comes at you...you handle it.  I don't envy your position but I admire your courage and your support of others.

UM - Believe me....I was very tempted to send something back.  Actually I considered sending his own selfie back to him and edit it to say" Yeah Right".  I thought about it....I fought the urge and

I figured it was not worth getting into a pissing contest with him.  It would have been a waste of time and nothing would have come from it.

At this point, I think it is best to pick my battles wisely.  This was nothing worth fighting for!   
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline 9393roo

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 177
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #67 on: November 30, 2018, 07:02:28 AM »
Wow Sam, you have the art of detachment down!  I too received a text that was not meant for me and I went ballaistic (which I am sure in hindsight added more time and fuel to his teenaged fire). 

You are doing amazingly well!  Keep it up.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #68 on: November 30, 2018, 07:56:25 AM »
Sam, I, too received a text from H that was meant for OW.  That’s how I found out that he was having A.  I wished for a very long time that I have saved the screenshot just in case we were to D.  Alas, I was too traumatized to think of that, let alone eat and sleep!

You are amazingly calm after receiving that picture...
I wish I was as calm headed as you at this early stage.  You are remarkable.  Hold onto that serenity.  It’s a life saver!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1811
  • Gender: Male
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #69 on: November 30, 2018, 08:40:33 AM »
Sam
You handled the snap well. Better than Well, the best anybody could have.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #70 on: December 03, 2018, 07:54:51 AM »
Roo - I didn't think of it as detachment.  I guess it is.   Those little things don't bother me.  Feels like they should but then I shrug and say "replay"  nothing I can do about it.  It stinks but he has to figure it out.  The misdirected snap could have been a lot worse I guess.

Acorn - Thanks for the compliments!  I love the word serenity.  I love the way it rolls off the tongue.  Even saying it has a calming effect.  I will do my best to keep hold of it!  Promise!

Helping - Thank you.  I just did what came naturally...I guess that is part of just being me.  I thought of doing other things...but saw no positive out of it.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #71 on: December 03, 2018, 08:14:39 AM »
Journaling -

There are been some very odd touch and goes with H in the last few days.  I will probably break it up into two posts because I tend to get long winded.

So, Thursday night I go home and find that H cleaned up the mess the dogs made.  Texted a quick Thank you.  In the past he would sometimes clean up and sometimes just leave it for me.  This time he cleaned it up.  Not perfect but all I had to do was sweep to finish it.  I was happy to not come home to a mess!

Friday rolls around and I didn't hear from H regarding the dogs.  Late in the day I went over and put them out.  An hour later I get a text that H is letting him out.  Two hours late but he tried.   I responded TY not telling him I already did it.  I also asked if he would mind helping on Saturday since I was going to be gone ALL day long.  He said noon and 5?   I responded sure...if you are able to do at 5 since you are normally at work.  If you are off, I don't want to interfere I can find someone else.

About an hour later he showed up at my office.  He stayed in the reception area and didn't come back to my office....I finished up what I was doing and then headed out.  I only went out because I needed to use the color printer otherwise I would have stayed in my office working.  While using the color printer, H came and sat down in the chair opposite me.  He was coyly asking me questions.  What time are you leaving tomorrow?  When will you be home?  Is noon and 5 ok to leave the dogs out?  What happens if I have to work....can I let them out at 2 or 3? 

I finally said, if you have to work text me....I'll find time to run home and let them out.  He seemed to relax.  I felt like he was prodding to see what I was doing on Saturday.  Last time I needed a dog sitter I went out of town and met up with a friend.  I didn't post anything on social medial until I was home.  I may be wrong, but it just seemed like he was feeling me out as to what I was doing.

After that round of questions, he started asking me when I needed his truck and did I need the cover on or the cover off.  He was willing to take the cover off if I needed it off.  My response was...I can work with it on or off.  Just do what is easiest for you.  There is really no need to take it off.   Are you still going to need it Sunday?  Told him I didn't know...depends on the weather on Sunday.  I can let him know Sunday am.

Here again I  felt like he wanted to ask me something else and was skirting around.  This time I didn't give him any info as to what I was doing and why I needed the truck.  I needed it to go and get my Christmas tree so I didn't need to pull a trailer or tie it to my roof.

Next question was when is SIL coming over again.  I told him I didn't know.  Is he coming Sat or Sun?  I don't know I tell him again.  I then told him if he needed him to call him.  Find out when he will be around.   He was playing on his phone at this time, and looked up over the rim of his glasses and said..." I want to move that old TV out of the house.  It takes two people...I guess you could help me."  I responded that Yes I could help move the old TV.  He said good.  Maybe Sunday depending on how I work....or Monday.

Keep in mind that he has been going to take this TV out of the house for the last two months.  It is still there.  However, I also would have removed it if I had help.  TV is not heavy but it is bulky and you need two people to handle it. 

After this he started telling me about the job assignment Friday night and that he was sure he was gonna be off on Saturday but he wouldn't know until Saturday.  Then he got up and left to head to work.

Poof...just like that he is gone.   I am left there just shaking my head and saying WTF to myself.


On Saturday, he let the dogs out and sent me a snap of them outside playing.  After that I get a text that SIL is hunting near the house and will let them out when he is done.  My response was OK.. Thank you!  Nothing else from him.



Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #72 on: December 03, 2018, 09:05:21 AM »
Journal Continues....

Now I am up to Sunday.  The weather looks to be clearing so I texted H and confirmed I could use the truck.  He told me the keys were in it to go get it anytime.   So I did.  When I was done, I didn't return it immediately.  I kept it an extra hour longer then took it back. 

Last week H told me to let him know when I was going to put up the outside lights.  So I send him a text that the truck was back.  Thank you for letting me borrow and I am gonna put up the outside lights later today.

His response was:  Your welcome...did you like the truck?   Told him it was nice and tried to put the seat back as close to his height as possible.  Mums the word from him after that.  This was about 11 am.   He never responded about the lights and I didn't push the issue.  He told me to let him know and I did. 

At 1:40 I get a text.  Do you still need help with the lights.  I responded and said Sure if it is convenient for you.  He said he would be here at 215.

He showed up at 215 and told me he had to be to work at 245.  I told him...that doesn't leave a lot of time...let this for another day.  He grabbed the ladder and started working on the lights.

In the 30 minutes he was there, I had A LOT thrown at me.  He just kept talking and didn't shut up.   Following is what I got from him talking:

-  He was off on Saturday and drove an hour to go to Bass Pro and get ice cream.
-  He is getting grandkids each something small for Christmas and giving them money or silver coins.  Didn't ask what I was doing and I didn't volunteer it either.
-  He would never want to work first shift again because of the types of delivery.  2nd shift is better.
-  when he came back to his job, he had no choice but to take 2nd shift flex.  Flex meaning he will have longer runs most of the time but then get an extra day off during the week but it is not scheduled...it is when it is best for the company.
-  He make a joke and laughed and looked over his shoulder at me to see how I reacted.  I was laughing too.  I was the brunt of the joke but it wasn't anything mean.
-  Told me about his trip to the ice cream shop.  He was talking to the owner about a franchise and what all is involved with it and his business.
-  Told me he will come back tomorrow to let the dogs out if I needed his help.  I do.
-  Told me he lost a weeks vacation at work.  Curious me said...how does that happen?  His response I couldn't believe.  He hesitated and looked away from me and said " From those eight weeks I was gone.  You know...when I had quit" .  He was uncomfortable but he said it.  My response...that sucks.  He then went on to tell me that he didn't loose any pay and was able to get benefits again but instead of having 2 weeks vacation, he has to wait until September to get a week again.  Had he not went out there, he would have two weeks this month. 
-  Told me he needs surgery for carpel tunnel.  It is getting worse but he has not gone to a dr yet to have it looked at.
-  Told me that he has another worker at work so he has someone else to talk to while he is driving.
-  He never complained about his job.  For the first year after BD he complained constantly about his job.  Now he says the pay is good and the work is easy.  He could find other things but they won't be as easy as this.
-  Told me he had a shuttle run for yesterday evening and he considered calling in sick because he hates those runs...but he didn't  He is sticking it out this time.
-  He asked how the winterfest was.  I responded good.  Then he changed subject.  Then he came back to it later and asked more questions, then he changed the subject again.

Finally we were done with the lights.  They just needed hooked up.  He came off the ladder and said, I'll carry that down and put it away tomorrow and he moved it out of the way.  He turned to me and said I think you  can finish it up.  I told him I could.  All I had to do was connect the extension cord and plug it in.

He then went to his car and stood beside.  He was still talking .  He was onto something else.  I plopped by self down on the bumper of my car and just listened to him.  Then I looked at my watch and said to him...You better get going you have to go to work.  He asked the time.  It was 2:44.  He said Meh, I don't have to be there until 3...I am ok.  I just like to be early.

He talked a bit more then he got in the car and took off and I finished the lights.

In that half hour, he was madly changing subjects and just going from one to another with no break.  He had my head swimming in circles.  I nodded a lot.  I asked just 2 questions because I needed clarification....like how did the flex pool affect him?  How did you loose vacation?

What was really weird is that he was the old H for 30 mins.  He laughed.  He smiled and it was his real smile.  He joked and not to be mean but to have fun.  Most importantly, he looked me in the eye many times while talking.  Not over my head or past my ear....he looked at me and I was able to look back.   

And then he was gone!

So he left and I didn't feel much.  Reached out to a friend to share the info.  It just seemed so weird to me that I now consider his leaving as normal.  He has been doing it for over a year now.  I am fully aware that he is in an up cycle and I have no idea how long it will last.  I fully expect him to go down and pull away and go back to avoidance again.  Sadly, i am ok with that too because it is what he has to do to work through this.  Such an odd thing that this is my new normal.....and I accept it.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #73 on: December 03, 2018, 10:42:51 AM »
Quote
I accept it.

Yes!
I view acceptance as part of letting go which leads to further detachment.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #74 on: December 05, 2018, 07:21:15 AM »
Acorn:  I used to worry about how to become detached...how to let go...how will I ever get there.  Surrender...is still a foreign concept to me.

Now that I am there....I look back and say I wish I could have gotten here a few months sooner. 

There is a peace that comes with it.  A confidence that I am doing the right thing for me.  A love for H that is still strong yet different because I am willing to let him go to grow and learn on his own.  A freedom to live my life without H and without quilt for the choices I am making for me.  More than anything I have strength.  Strength to withstand so much that I can't control and to continue to learn and grow and make me a better me.

Thanks for your continued support!

Journal Update:

I am doing well.  Winterfest was a success this year.  Now we start to plan for next year.  We had a great team that worked together and the experience was awesome!

H is starting to pull back.  He is still stopping by to the let the dogs out daily, but now he is not sending me confirmation that they are done.  Yesterday was such a day.  I raced home not knowing if he let them out or not.  I got home to find that he did let them out.  He ate the last piece of pie (yeah) and he moved the trailer for me so it was further off the driveway.

I sent him a short  text saying thanks for the dogs, moving the trailer and saving me from eating the pie.   He responded back  Your welcome and I was afraid someone would hit the trailer so I moved it.   Me:  It probably would have been me hitting it.  H:  LOL.... I didn't say that.   Me:  But you were thinking it?   H:  Ha ha  Yes I was.  Me:  Thank you for saving me from myself   LOL!   H:  lol   your welcome.     I ended the texting there.

What has me shaking my head is that the things he was going to come by the house to do are still not done.  He didn't put the ladder back on the roof.   I am too short to do it.   The old TV is still sitting in my living room.    Neither of these things bother me.   I moved the ladder beside the shed.   When my dad comes home in a few weeks, he is tall enough to get it up on the shed roof.   The TV.  Doesn't bother me either....I moved it behind the new TV so it is out of the way until I find someone to help me carry it out someday.   Here again, my dad will be around in a few weeks and he will help me plus he has a truck to take it to the recycling center on his way home!   Kill two birds with one stone.

As for me, not much to report.   I am doing well.  I am taking care of me.  Prep for Christmas is done for the most part.  Just a few gifts to wrap yet for grandkids.  I am having fun and making the best of things.  I think of H often but that is all it is...passing thoughts just wondering if he is ok mostly.   I check social medial daily just to make sure that he is still alive and as well as he can be.  I can see when he checks into IG and/or messenger and that is good enough to me right now.  To make sure he is still walking the planet.  Sad that it has to be this way, but it is and nothing I can do. 

I am still galling.  I have my friends locally and also some great LBS friends that I stay in touch with.  We talk, we text, we IM, we even group text and send each other inspirational quotes.  I look forward to them.  Some I even steal and put on FB and IG.

No matter what happens, I am gonna come through all of this a much better person.  There is so much I have learned and so much growing I have done.  Not only have I learned to let go of H but I have learned to let go of so much other crap in my life and my life is so much more enjoyable now and stress is no longer a cuss word.  I can handle what ever comes my way.  I got this!

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Online Rising Phoenix

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 872
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #75 on: December 05, 2018, 08:12:40 AM »
Wow sam, you sound really good. Xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #76 on: December 05, 2018, 02:39:19 PM »
Rp. I am content with no complaints.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 578
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #77 on: December 05, 2018, 03:19:05 PM »
Rp. I am content with no complaints.

Good for you Sam. This is not easy especially when OW is around. Glad you feel content, that’s a nice feeling

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #78 on: December 06, 2018, 08:25:33 AM »
Rose - Thanks for checking in!  I am actually more than content.   

I wake up smiling, I go to bed smiling!  I smile a lot...I do this because internally, I am happy....very happy!

I have thought why am I so happy?  My H is still involved with the OW, even though they don't live together right now.   My H is secretive and really wants little to nothing to do with me.  He prefers to avoid me rather than include me.  He has not lied to me recently but it hard to lie to someone when you don't converse with them!  H is in full blown MLC!  He has done some T and G's with the emphasis being on the Go part!  LOL

So why can I be happy....because I am.  I am happy with me.  I am taking care of me and making me a priority.  My health has improved and continues to.  Basically live if good.  Not perfect....good!  I am so much better now than what I was.  There is still room for improvement and that is ok!  I welcome it!  I love me and I am happy!

H....can't do anything for him but let him do what he has to do!  So that is what I do!  He is off in Fantasy Land doing whatever it is he needs to do to survive and I am not only surviving, I am living and thriving!  Life is Good!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 787
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #79 on: December 06, 2018, 02:16:36 PM »
Sam:

As always, you sound great.
Your interactions toward your H really show love but with detachment.
The acceptance part is so important -- so glad you've mastered the as well.
It really does bring peace.

Keep up the great work.
Glad that your dad is there to help you with the things you need help with.

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 578
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #80 on: December 06, 2018, 04:24:57 PM »
Sam:

As always, you sound great.
Your interactions toward your H really show love but with detachment.
The acceptance part is so important -- so glad you've mastered the as well.
It really does bring peace.

Keep up the great work.
Glad that your dad is there to help you with the things you need help with.

Sea you are always such a good support to Sam good on you.

Sam, you sound like you have found peace which is sooo nice isn’t it!

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #81 on: December 11, 2018, 11:58:21 AM »
Hey Sea - Thank you so much for your continued support!  We got this!

Rose - Sea is a good friend.  I can count on her and vice versa!    I am at peace.  I am just doing me right now and rolling with the punches.

Updates:

Not much happening here!  Had a cookie party on Sunday at my house.  What a blast.  We had so much fun! 
Best part is that the house is cleaned and ready to go for the holidays and cookies are all made and six of us worked together instead of me having to do six batches myself!  Yeah!
Christmas shopping is all done except for my parents.  They may get IOU's for family meals.  They are to the point where they adore family time so I think it is appropriate to make meals and invite every one over at least every other month if not monthly this year for them.  Invite sister and her family and my D and her family and just give them some family time that is not at a restaurant.

I also am hosting Christmas this year for my side of the family.  Been thinking about what to do about H.  Invite him or not.  I am leaning towards not inviting him for my family dinner.  I am concerned that my dad will be uncomfortable and I don't want that.  My dad still loves and cares for him but H avoids my dad more than he avoids me.  My Dad isn't one to take the first step either so those two are at an impasse and it will remain that way until H decides to make a step forward towards him.  I won't interfere.  H has to fix that on his own too.  So my family gets together on Christmas eve. 

Then on Christmas day my kids are coming over for leftovers.  I was gonna reach out to H, SIL, parents in laws as well as my family and send out an open invite for anyone to stop by anytime for leftovers.  Make it an open house type of event.  My parents have no where to go and neither do my in laws during the day.  If anyone shows it is a blessing and if no one shows, then I get baby snuggles all to myself. 

Typically my in-laws have gift exchange at their house Christmas night and have snacks and desserts.  Last year I was not invited.  H showed up late because he had to spend time with the OW before he abandoned her to go to his parents.  He didn't invite her along to go there.  While he was there, it was reported to me he was grumpy and sat alone and played on his phone all night long and left early.   Hmmmm, had to get to ow after 2 hours.   LOL.   

Anyhow, I don't expect to be invited this year and if I was, I would show early and leave early and let the family have their time if I would go at all.  Most likely I would bow out of going.  My D is actually concerned that she won't get invited.   SIL had cake and ice cream for inlaws for their birthdays this year and never bothered to invite D and her family but made sure others were invited.  Very sad.  D never did anything to SIL to be ostracized like that!  See why I have some trust issues with her?

So, H is still letting my dogs out for me.  I offered to have my mom do it now that she is back in town and all I got was OK.  He is still doing it so I am just letting him do it until he tells me otherwise.  Yesterday he took care of my garbage can for me while he was at the house.  Thanked him via a text for both garbage and dogs.  He responded...I don't mind at all.  I love them.  They are great dogs, even T-dog (my dog who is crazy and goofy and he always teased me that he would kick him in the ribs...he never laid a finger on the dogs..haha...it was a standing joke)
Not reading anything into it but this is the 3rd time he said he loved the dogs.   I don't know what to believe.  Does he know what love is right now?  Doesn't matter, I am just glad he is stepping up and helping to take care of them right now.  Never know when that will end.

As for me....I am still good.  I am very busy right now.  Training a new person for the office.  Shopping, b-days, meetings, parties in the evenings.  Keeps me going.  Days I am not doing things I clean and chill.  Pass time talking to friends and reading and trying to catch up on shows but that is a lost cause.  Things just seem to be coming together for me.  I think it comes from my demeanor will I just let things roll off just like water rolls off a ducks back.   No worries...things will all be ok.  Stay calm and handle things a bit at a time.

I am finding I am not worrying and I am happy.  I wake up and know I am blessed in so many ways.  I will forever say it.  I hate that MLC had to happen and rip my life apart but I have grown so much as a person over the last year plus that I can't say it is a bad thing for me now.  Do I miss H...yep...do I love him...yep...I hate the pain that he is in and the pain he has caused others with his actions but I can not overlook my growth.  I have read and read and read some more and I have turned myself into a much better person in so many ways.  I got rid of the old things about myself that I found I didn't like and the things I did like...I made them better.   I am lucky to be on this side of the coin!  Now it is time for me to pay it forward and be there for others in ways that I am able.

I have really become adjusted to living alone and only being responsible to me and the dogs and the house and my businesses.   I have been re-organizing and getting my house in order and getting rid of old crap that I don't use anymore.   All but that old TV H still needs to move.   LMAO.  Not holding my breath on that!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline notdoneyet

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 204
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #82 on: December 11, 2018, 02:44:45 PM »
SAM...you are absolutely amazing and such an inspiration to me! I wake up every day thinking of your strength and following suit. I love our group chats and even in my darkest moments which are becoming less and less, I know that despite this crappy MLC, I am way better off than most.

 I'm so glad your cookie day went well...can you please text me the recipe for your Jingle Juice :) 

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 578
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #83 on: December 11, 2018, 04:14:20 PM »
Sam

You sound good as ever. That’s a while now H has been helping with the dogs. Hopefully he is getting joy from them. Good on you letting him help, feel useful and be around the house easily. These things can only help. And if not, nothing lost!

Christmas is a tricky time especially during MLC years. Not easy to keep everyone happy. Hopefully it all fits into place easily enough and your D is kept in the loop.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #84 on: December 12, 2018, 06:54:32 AM »
Not - Thanks for your kinds words.  Just as you look to me...I also look to you!  Together the FAB 5 will get through all of this!  Like you, I love our group chats and support we show each other!

Rose - I am good.  Not in a conceded way, but in a confident way.  I feel good.  I feel happy and confident and no matter what, my future is promising!


Update:   MLC...ugh!  Just when I wrote H off he came through.  Discovered late last night that H removed my TV.   Whoop Whoop!  It is finally gone.  Never expected.  I was shocked.

This morning, he stopped by to see D.  It is her b-day.  Outside of them sharing a few memes, he has not seen her or the kids since Thanks giving.  Is not going to visit on his days off, but he ran out today.  Took her 2 soft pretzels from the farmers market and gave her money for her bday.  Before he left, he asked for a hug!   She was floored.  Shocked!

She has been through everything with me and has watched his antics over the last year.  She is reserved through this and like me, EXPECTING a major pull back or some other "bad" news to come from him.

I realized in the wee hours of the morning that I am also sitting back and watching and waiting for something negative to come from H.  This is based on the way he has done things in the past.  He comes around.  Does work at the house.  Is friendly and kind at bdays and holidays and then runs off to the OW.   I hope this time he doesn't follow the same cycle....only time will tell.  I keep my guard up in a way.  I don't expect him to help at the house but I acknowledge when he does.  I don't expect him to stay here...but I hope he does.   I wouldn't be surprised if he quit his job and ran away again....but I hope he doesn't.  I just keep a little firewall up in my brain and my heart so if he runs again...I won't be shocked or surprised.

I don't let these thoughts rule my life.  These are the things I contemplate when I am alone and all is quiet and I let my mind flow freely.  I recognize things...I deal with things this way and I adjust and move forward with my life in a way that makes me happy.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline 9393roo

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 177
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #85 on: December 12, 2018, 07:39:54 AM »
Quote
  I just keep a little firewall up in my brain and my heart so if he runs again...I won't be shocked or surprised.

Firewall!  This is a perfect description of what I have going on right now.  My problem is my H is showing signs of coming out of this thing and I don’t know how to start taking the firewall down. I don’t trust anything but actions anymore.

You continue to move forward with grace Sam.  Good job!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #86 on: December 12, 2018, 08:19:06 AM »
Roo...I believe when the time is right you will know it and the firewall will come down...maybe a block at a time but it will come down.

Don't rush it and just go wit the flow!  I have to believe that when I am given the opportunity, my gut will lead me in the right direction.   Thanks for sharing your journey so those of us behind you can learn.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 787
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #87 on: December 13, 2018, 11:49:30 AM »
Regarding firewall:

Interesting because Joe Beam talks about taking the bricks out of the wall one-by-one when reconnecting.

Sam - Good attitude, positive but no expectations. 
Keep up inspiring others through your posts.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #88 on: December 13, 2018, 11:54:07 AM »
I don't let these thoughts rule my life.  These are the things I contemplate when I am alone and all is quiet and I let my mind flow freely.  I recognize things...I deal with things this way and I adjust and move forward with my life in a way that makes me happy.

I’m so glad to read this, Sam. 
There is nothing we can do for MLCer as you know.  There is peace in that. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #89 on: December 14, 2018, 11:57:19 AM »
Sea - I not only think they come down one at a time...I think we put them up one at a time too.

Acorn - I 100% agree with you.  My Ms. Fix - It button is broke when it comes to H and others in my life now too!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Reflecting - This is not an update as usual.  This is me reflecting.  I have been looking back over the last year plus since BD.  I can really see my growth.  A year ago I hung my everything on a call a text or a visit.  Now....not only do I not expect them but when they do happen, I know they are meaningless.  I wasn't strong enough to detach back then despite the advice I was given.  Today...I do feel detached.  Becoming more and more detached all the time.  A little scary.  Now I understand why people question if they will still love in the future....I am not void...I am not numb...I am more nonchalant about H.  I still love him and pray for the day he starts to heal himself.  However, I think of him less and less all the time.  I have so much going on in my life, that I don't have time for his shenanigans.  I just gotta take care of me.

I do appreciate his help right now with the dogs.  More for the dogs sake than mine.  Other than the dogs, we really have little to no interaction at all.  This has become my new norm.  Would I like it to be different...yes I would...but it is not and I can't force him to want to come back and become a true h again.  That is all on him.

So, in reflecting I realized that detachment did come in small steps.  That firewall went up a brick at a time....someday it will come down the same way.  No more wrecking balls in my life if I can help it!  Sometimes when I was stronger, I put up a few bricks...but basically, I slowly and gradually put up the firewall that led me to detachment.  It was not easy...but it happened and continues to happen.  My growth and healing has been a good thing for me and those around me who choose to be in my life.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Update:

In the past, my H and a friend would go to my parents hunting cabin annually and hunt together.  This year, Friend is still going up but H didn't.  F reported to my dad that H was talking about the cabin and missing it and wishing he was going.  F said "come up with me"  H said he can't and either walked away or quickly changed the subject.   F then told my dad of the story and said that H is embarrassed to go to the cabin and be around family and friends after everything.

My response to my Dad was that H is not ready to deal with himself yet.  Only he can forgive himself now and more towards healing.

This convo came about because I asked my Dad about inviting H for Christmas.  He was supportive and told me that H has not talked to him in over a year and if he shows up my Dad would be friendly and courteous and welcoming.  He doesn't think H will show.  My sister and bil were also in the same mindset.

So, I didn't actually invite him but I included him in our finalized plans for Christmas.  It is up to him to show or not show.  His choice. He can choose to be with family or stew on his own.  Either way I am going to have a great few days spoiling my grandkids. 

H has texted a few times in the last few days regarding the kids....but that is all.  Nothing else. 

Hope everyone has a good weekend!  Festival tonight....finishing up wrapping this weekend.   The 12 days of Christmas starts to day for my grandson.  Instead of big presents on Christmas only, he will get a small present each day for the next 12 days.  I am so looking forward to this!  I am just a kid at heart sometimes too! 
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 787
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #90 on: December 14, 2018, 01:46:59 PM »
Sam:

Loved reading your thoughts about detaching,.  It does take time, and small steps as you said.
Enjoy festival tonight, and have fun this weekend with your 12 days of Christmas!
I can't believe it's so soon!

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1208
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #91 on: December 15, 2018, 09:30:28 AM »
Journal Update. D met with H this am. At the last min she invited him for breakfast  and he showed.   For the last week or so I had a suspicion that H was moving back to deeper replay behaviors. He had said something to me the day he hung up Christmas lights. His few texts were occasionally odd and  then this am he showed up in HD clothes. He also put a magnet on his vehicle .   This is a big no no as it damages paint. Pre mlc H knew and preached this.

I believe the slide  backwards could have been facilitated eithet by bil’s death or a recent visit from the ow to our area. 

No matter what the cause it is happening. 

Oddly this is not rocking me. I know it is part of the cycling and I view this as forward progress. I read somewhere one time that they sometimes have to go backwards in order to go forward.

I still my my own life to live and  I am doing it for me.

The festival was  awesome as usual. This is an annual tradition.   Gs loved his first present which was only a stocking stuffer. mini paw patrol characters and socks. He is wearing the socks today and carrying around the toys. The whole purpose of doing his gifts this way is to give him time to enjoy. If he got them all in Christmas day it is overwhelming.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2002
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #92 on: December 15, 2018, 10:48:29 AM »
What a nice idea to gift GS one thing at a time.  That’s a wise grandma, for sure!
You really enjoy the blessings in your life, Sam.  The festival, your family. You are choosing to open your eyes and see how blessed you are. 

As for your H going backward, I happen to think it is a forward movement - going deeper into the tunnel.  That’s been my observation with my H.  He slowly discarded the habits of being a husband. a father, a memeber of his FOO, a friend in a tightly knit circle of buddies, as he went deeper into the tunnel.  I do think that was necessary for him to figure himself out.  He was putting aside his pre-MLC  identity and was desperately trying to figure out who he was. 

I often qualify my observations by declaring that they are based on my experience with 1 MLCer.  It’s no different this time. 
« Last Edit: December 15, 2018, 10:58:53 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk