Author Topic: My Story Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot  (Read 1728 times)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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My Story Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2018, 07:22:20 AM »
Morning all.  Things still going well for me personally.  Found a new pub last night and visited there for wine and wings.  They were awesome.  I will become a frequent flyer there.  My co worker is even thinking of joining me.  Best part is it is non smoking compared to the bar I go to for Taco Tuesday.

H has been pretty silent of late.  Still not contacting me.  For the first in a long time, he liked some IG posts.  Talked to Kitty about this and she called it Skunk Pissing....meaning out of the blue he does something that is not an anchor check but something that is so in my face to say...Hey...I am here....don't forget about me. 

So he skunk pissed me the other day some pretty pics I posted.   Nothing special...nothing personal...sunset pics from my walk.  I wish I could share them with you all.   They are on my IG and FB if you ever want to see them....pm me.  Anyhow,   I love the analogy and find it so funny.

Other than that.....nothing from him.  I am good.  I can deal with it.  It has become a normal for me and if I didn't keep track on a calendar for looking back in the future I wouldn't be able to tell you how long it has been because it is now just so normal.

So...90% of the time I am great.....10% of the time I am meh to good.  I do still deal with things and I recently found a trigger and I am currently working on it.  Good news is I am better and better each day with that trigger.  No longer takes me back to the painful memories I was dealing with.   I can deal with it now that I figured out what it was.  That makes facing it easier.  Time....it will take time for me to completely deal with it....I am ok with that.  Baby steps for me.  Actually mine are more toddler steps...moving forward faster than a baby but still get the wobbles now and then.  haha

Last night as I am getting ready to go for my wings....I get a call from D.  She needs to talk.  She told me she got a text  from H.  He wanted to know if she would be around so he could visit.  She didn't know what to do.  She called me.  She didn't know if she wanted to let him visit or not.  She gets the silent treatment too.  For her it has been 2.5 weeks and that includes avoiding the grandkids too which hurts her more.   I asked her why she didn't want him to visit...she told me honestly to be vindictive.  My reply....you are better than that.  If that is your only reason...I don't think it is a good one.  If you say no...you know I will support you no matter what.   We hung up with her still thinking about it.  Later she called and told me she let him go out.  He went to the babysitters with her to pick up the kids.  Stayed for an hour and left saying he had to go get bananas for his parents.

She reported he didn't interact much with GS.  GS was avoiding him.  He did hold GD for awhile until she got fussy then he gave her up.  The rest of the time he sad beside her on the couch and played games on his phone.  She said he was a bump on the log and hardly talked.  She tried to carry the convo and gave up.  So he is definitely back the quiet game playing replay mode and not the happy H that was poking around and playing with the grandkids in Sept and the beginning of Oct.  He has regressed and this is meant to be. 

I pray daily for his safety...that is all I can do for him.  The rest of my life is for me.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline exhausted

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2018, 08:09:29 AM »
Sam...good point about triggers. I working on understanding what triggers me and how best to manage it.

I thought having so much time alone and living this long alone would be hard, but it really hasn't. When I let fear get the best of me it is a trigger and leads to the monkey braining.
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline Acorn

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2018, 08:22:10 AM »
Sam, I’ve got a feeling that he is further entering the tunnel.  I see that the BD was just over a year ago.  I remember my H still maintaining some habits of pre-MLC life at the same timeframe and then gradually leaving them behind as he headed further into the darkness of the tunnel, away from the entrance where there was still a bit of light and he could see some of his former life faintly.  He valiantly fought the darkness by forcing himself to do things with the family and keep in touch with the reality but the darkness descended in due time.  It seemed as if he had no control over the darkness.  Of course, I realize this is only one anecdote and one person’s perspective.  However, I offer what I can.

I’m not saying this to discourage you.  In fact, this is encouraging as it shows there is movement.  Any movement will do.  Your attitude of praying for him and living your life to the full is the only option.  You smart girl!

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #13 on: November 09, 2018, 08:29:03 AM »
Exh - I found that when you figure things out that bother you and face them....they eventually either become controlled or they go away because they are no longer a big deal.  Triggers are just that.   Bad things we have to deal with or they could overtake us.

You are doing so well and I look forward to stumbling though this journey with you!   
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2018, 08:31:54 AM »
Still riding along with you Sam
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #15 on: November 09, 2018, 10:15:25 AM »
Acorn - I appreciate you sharing what you see when observing my posts.  I agree with you...him moving forward into the tunnel is NOT a bad thing at all.  This would be the getting worse before it gets better and he needs to go through it. 


I don't know if you recall, but about a month ago, you gave me similar feedback  Told me H appeared to be going deeper based on his replay activities now being more sustaining vs the more high energy reply of before.  He stopped the drinking, slowed the gambling down, no longer wearing the HD clothing and a few others I can't remember.  So it seems to potentially be a pattern of him diving deeper.   I am okay with that.   

Honestly, I can only hope that he continues to move forward into the tunnel.  He needs to do this so he can eventually come out the other side and see some light.  If I could give him a butt kick to get him moving forward...I would.  Alas, I know I can't so no butt kicking today...or tomorrow.  Instead my energies are focused on my grandson spending the night tonight and hanging out with me tomorrow.  I will need all my energy to keep a 2 year old occupied on a cold rainy day!



Schratz - Thanks for joining....the more the merrier!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Acorn

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2018, 11:46:14 AM »
In hindsight, I could see H frantically trying not to lose his connection to us by maintaining some habits of pre-MLC (at the entrance of the tunnel) and then, as time went on, he could no longer do it.  The fog was getting too thick... (walking deep into the tunnel)  He became very cold and distant.  After that, we didn’t exist in his world any longer.  I had this weird feeling that he looked straight through us as if we were phantoms.  He completely and utterly detached from us as he walked deep into the tunnel.  I somehow sense the same thing with your H.  I did caution you that I have only one example to go by, that of my H.  I could be totally wrong.  However, it does not matter whether he is going deeper into the tunnel or starting to exit it, I believe your action and attitude remain the same - Look after your side of the street and leave him to it.  I think you understand this principle very well.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #17 on: November 09, 2018, 12:01:48 PM »
Thank you!   

I want you to know I am not tunnel watching and I know you are only one example....but although my experience may be totally different....having your insight is beneficial.

I am not watching a time clock either.  My plan is to live each day to the fullest because when it is gone...it is gone.  I don't want to look back years from now and say...if only or I woulda, shoulda, coulda....  No regrets if I live each day as if it is my last.

I feel like I am doing my best to leave him alone.  I did not instigate no contact....but I am dark.  I would reach out to him IF I had to.   I do respond when he makes contact.  Friendly,..courteous….short but contact. 

I will admit I am an observer.  Not concentrating my life on him....but noting what I see and journaling more like a diary....memories that will someday fade and be unimportant but somehow seem like noting them is a good thing...if only for me.


Thanks again!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2018, 12:13:07 PM »
I am seeking advice.  I think I know the answer but I want to run it by the masses.

My sister in law has 3 times come to me via text volunteering my H to help me with the dogs.

I wouldn't even ask her for assistance but she volunteered...almost begged to help.  This started in July.  I don't fully trust her but I am trying to give her the benefit of doubt.

History:

1 mos ago she was to put the dogs out for me.  I get home to find out that H put the dogs out and mowed the grass instead of her.  She then said she was sorry and hoped I wasn't mad.  Told her I wasn't but I would have preferred a heads up to the change of plans.  Told her I had no issue with H helping with the dogs.  I sent him a text thanking him and he replied he loved cutting the grass and loved the dogs too.

2 or 3 days ago I asked her for help for Nov and Dec due to me being down a man at work.  I can't get home at lunch to put them out.  She said she would help when she can and when she can't perhaps H would be able and willing to help.  I didn't respond immediately and took time to think.  Eventually I responded saying   H is welcome to see the dogs anytime he wants.

Today I tried to confirm some dates with her.  She replied she was unsure about 2 of the days because her H would be around and they may do some traveling those two days.  She went on to say  "I'm sure H will do it if that's ok with you".

I have yet to respond.  I don't know how to respond.  I thought I was clear just a few days ago.   

any thoughts...feelings or feedback....please understand that my dogs do not need to go out at lunch but they are spoiled.  She drives past my house every day going from her house to her parents around lunch time so I would not be putting her or H out.   I do not want to ask H.  SIL keeps circling back.

H comes and goes to the house anyhow...with or without my permission.  He knows I could use the help and doesn't volunteer or in his state of mind...he may be oblivious to me needing the help.  I don't know.  My concern is for the dogs.   I am swallowing my pride asking her only because it is in the best interest of the dogs.   After Christmas, my parents will be around to help but they are at the hunting cabin until Christmas.


So give me some ideas on how to deal with this.  Right now I am doing nothing and fine with that.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline strawberry

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2018, 01:13:28 PM »
I feel your pain.  I recently had to ask H to dog and house sit for me.  He seemed to enjoy it but it honestly didn’t sit well with me.  The only boarding facility they do well with is an hour and a half out of my way to and from the airport but I’m going to have to suck it up in the future unless I want to have H in my house without me....which I really don’t.  I guess all that to say, go with your gut.  If they really don’t need to go out at lunch, I promise that one or two days on not being spoiled will not turn them against you.  They likely won’t even notice.
H: 43
M: 44

M: 15 years, T: 17 years, Friends: 22 years
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats

 

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