Author Topic: My Story Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot  (Read 1729 times)

Offline Anon

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My Story Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #20 on: November 09, 2018, 01:26:18 PM »
Sam, I have similar concerns with getting someone over to look after my cats when I'm away.   Early on in the crisis, H came and stayed here when I was away.  He didn't say either way if he cared or not if I asked him.   Since June though, I've decided asking H is inappropriate given the fact that we are no longer together so I've used a pet sitter instead.   It turns out H is upset that I don't ask him and has repeated saying that very recently.   Part of the reason I don't want him here is that I fear he will fly OW out here to stay with him in our house.   We have a nice house and to bring her here would be a way to show off how nice a home he owns (jointly) and what a good guy he is to 'let' me live here while he slums it in a tiny rental.      There is a basis for this fear,,,in May, H asked if I would switch residences with him for 3 days when his cousin and his W were in town so he could have them stay with him instead of booking a hotel.    I refused then staying what about OW - is she coming too?   He vigorously denied she was and I almost agreed.    It came out later that she was here in our city and her visit did indeed line up perfectly with his cousin's visit.  So I don't trust him not to bring her into our home.   Makes me sick to think he would even attempt to deceive me that way.   

Even if there was no OW I'm not sure for me it would be a good idea right now.   I'm trying to maintain my detachment and distance in order to continue to heal and to have him here while I am gone would create some confusion in my head.  Same with chores around the house and lawn cutting.  I've really discouraged it in order to create and keep a safe distance for the time being.   

If I ever felt some positive movement in his MLC and toward me then I would reconsider but for now it's a no go.   You might be different but right now this is how I need it to be for me.   

Offline exhausted

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #21 on: November 09, 2018, 01:52:36 PM »
Sam-

I understand your dilemma. It muddies the waters. I felt the same way when H came to visit last weekend and kept asking of there was anything he could help me with around the house. I don't want his help. I want to be independent. I don't need him. I think that is an important place to be for me and also for him.

I agree that if they don't need to go out, then let them be. My poor dog here has survived much longer this past fall and hasn't turned on me. I, too, would be wondering what SIL's motive is...
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #22 on: November 10, 2018, 02:47:54 PM »
I dont mind h helping IF he wanted too.  This is her volunteering him. He has never once said i can take care of the dogs for you if you need help.

I dont know how to deal with her continuing to volunteer him. I guess i really need to sit and have a convo with het alone a d set a boundary that she not interfere.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline exhausted

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #23 on: November 10, 2018, 07:32:08 PM »
meddling relatives...that is exactly why I waited so long to let my sisters know what was going on in my life. I knew they would want to get in the middle of things and try to "help." My one sister in particular has known H most of her life as she was 13 when we started dating. And H was always an over the top gentleman...we came home from college for a weekend so he could escort my middle sister to her prom.
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #24 on: November 10, 2018, 11:43:20 PM »
Attaching

M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends for 7 years before dating
Married for 14 years
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniversary
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged to her 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Engagement off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Joined POF within the first month back
1 year later no signs of anyone new - workaholic


Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Never become a container for bitterness.  Bitterness is a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes -- some things have to break all apart so better things can be built."

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2018, 07:49:18 AM »
Sam

Could you say to SIL something like ‘yes that’s fine if H wants to do that, get him to let me know’. If he doesn’t get in touch, your dogs will be ok without him (it seems) and if he does it keeps a bit of contact there. I would say a bit of contact is good, if you are ok with it. If he feels useful at all I think that’s good too as they can feel like they don’t know their place. When I look back there are a couple of times I am glad my H did something, I could have managed without him but it keeps a bit of contact which if you can handle that (make sure you can & with no expectations) then I believe it is good for him.

You are walking a tightrope with SIL and H just now which is tricky but you are managing good as you are thinking things through and not rushing into decisions.

Keep on being breezy girl!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Online Treasur

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #26 on: November 11, 2018, 08:04:09 AM »
Would it be simpler to just say to SiL what you said here? That you were asking for HER help...and it's ok if she can't...but you weren't asking for her to volunteer anyone else as an alternative, particularly your h given the current situation...

You can choose then if you want to ask your h. Or not. Or ask someone else, or find another solution.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2018, 08:05:31 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #27 on: November 12, 2018, 05:15:56 AM »
Thank you all for feedback. 

After reading and pondering i have decided to have a face to face talk with sil. I dont want a misinterpretation of a text or email

Basically i want to tell her I appreciate her offers to help and when she cant it is ok.  Yes my dogs can go all day long...they do it all night. I just spoil them and get them mid day romp.

I am also going to remind her that i dont have an issue with h visiting or helping with the dogs BUT to not volunteer h to me. If he wants to help he can volunteer himself. If he doesnt I respect that decision too he has to want to do it or it is a chore.   Truth he told...i dont have a problem with h at all. His actions yes...but that is all on him and will will have to atone for it one day. As long as he is being decent. I can be too.

The truth is my H comes and goes from the house. I know it and i have not stopped it as he has been respectful. I always know because he leaves a door open or a light on or he moves something i put in a pathway. He comes for clothes or comes and puts things in or takes things out of the safe or takes and returns tools   Sometimes he is obvious about being here almost like he wants me to notice. I dont say a word. I chuckle. Call him a silly man and put things back.

He just doesnt tell me when he does these things which would help me avoid a trip home.

Rose- yes i would love to have some convos with h but he is going further and further awAy from me again. I do not want to push an interaction onto him. I will respond but i cant ask him for anything. Pride....maybe. I hope not. I hope it is just me letting him he.

Treas-as always thank you for yoyr words of advice

Anon. My h used to help more too. He stopped because i think ow put pressure on him. Then she left and he moved home and helped. Then he moved. Since he has been back he had a two week flourish of helping and now crickets again. Silly men. 

Exh. I know you umdetstand. Luckily you have some family close by. My parents help when they are around but they are in the mountains now until Christmas

Fw. Welcome aboard. Love having you

Strawberry. Amazing the things wr will do for pets. Love them.

I apologize if i ovetlooked anyone. Know i read all the comments and dont take your feedback and advice lightly

Sent from my phonei apologize for grammer and spelling errors as it is near impou for me to proofread here
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #28 on: November 15, 2018, 08:31:35 AM »
Journal Update:

Still no sit down with SIL.  Our schedules have been such that we have not yet met up.  We have been texting about other things.  In particular a movie I went to and that she now wants to see.

As for H....it appears he is in an up cycle suddenly.  This all started Monday evening.

Monday:  H sent me a text that contained a picture of S's grades.  He didn't know it but S also sent to me.  His text said "not sure S sent this to you"  Me:  Thank you for sharing.  I teared up when I looked at it.  H:  He does that to me too.  So proud of that boy  Me:  I know.  He has come so far.  Hard not to be proud of him.   End of convo.

Tuesday:  I come home to discover H had been to the house.  He had brought in the pool pump.  I don't typically reach out to him but I thought it was important to recognize his good deed.  This led to another text convo.

Me:  Should I assume that you are the person to thank for bringing in the pump?
H:  Yes
Me:  Thank you.  I just noticed it.
H:  I did it last week.  Maybe Wed or Thursday
H:  I was supposed to do it when we closed the pool and got side tracked.
Me:  I appreciate you getting it inside no matter when it was.  Things happen.  Thank you very much!  Anything else I am overlooking I owe you a thanks for?
H:  I don't think anything.  I wanna get the 4 wheeler running and moved.
Me:  Ok.  I keep forgetting to get a new battery.

This brings us to Wednesday and H is at the house again.

H:  I couldn't find the key to the atv, it was on the a/c
Me:  It is in the house.  Where do you want me to put it?
H:  I'll get it tomorrow.  Put it in the ATV
H:  I took the ac to the basement an brought up the snow blower to the carport and started it to make sure it runs.  I put some gas in it that you had there
(Keep in mind we are scheduled to get 5 to 15 inches of snow today and this changed overnight.  Yesterday they were only calling for 1 to 3 inches of snow so having the SB readily available is a huge deal if we get more and 6 inches)
Me:I can't thank you enough.  I was trying to figure out who I could call to help me get the SB up to the house.  Thank you very much.  I didn't notice the ac was moved.  Thank you for that too.
Me:  In case I forget, the atv key is on the key rack inside the back door.
H:  Your welcome
Me:  Do you want me to get a new battery for the ATV
H:  I'll just jump it for now.  Doesn't make sense to get a new battery and let it sit over the winter.
H:  I am gonna move the atv to the shed
H:  Is that ok?
Me:  That fine.  I'll make room.
H:  I think it will fit in front of the mower.
H:  sent me a picture of a special coupon he got from work for the grocery store
H:  You can have this if you want it.
Me:  Ok...thanks...I'll use it to get groceries for Thanksgiving dinner

Today - I find that my recycling is out.

Me:  Thanks for putting out the recycling.
H:  I don't think I did it.  I let the dogs out by D3 wouldn't go out.
Me:  Hmmm.  The recycling was roadside this am.
H:  Wasn't me
Me:  Hmm.  Ok.  Thanks for putting the dogs out  I am out of town today so they will appreciate it.

Last time this happened....H suddenly started doing things then just as suddenly had a total withdrawal that lasted about a month.

Still have not seem him or talked to him in person.  He only comes to the house while I am at work.  Convos are text only.  He is still distant from D.  He didn't go to see the kids this week.  Big bummer for them.

Now ME: 

I am doing so well.  I have been so busy, yet I am still taking time for me.  I manage to walk at least 2 miles a day at least 5 days a week.  I go out at least one night a week for a glass of wine with some friends.  I talk to some LBS friends daily and we share our stories and our experiences.  I come here as needed to journal.  I also get great advice and support here when I need it.  Thank you to those special people who have helped me out via PMs.

I am really taking care of me and sadly I do think of H less and less often during the day.  I am checking the phone logs less and less.  H have moved out of his parents house.  I would love to know where he is living but that is just due to my curious nature.   As long as he is safe is my only concern now.  I could snoop to figure out where he isn't living....to be honest, it is not worth the gas money to drive around and see....let alone that is minutes of my day I could spend with my dogs vs driving around looking for where he may not be living.  So I have not caved to my innate curiosity to snoop into this living arrangements.

It was nice to hear from him the last few days...yet scary because I know it is only a matter of time until he pulls away and goes super dark again.   I accept it is a part of the process and take it as nothing else.   It was suggested to use these moments to pave the way and I believe I did that.  No expectations.  I know it is just a cycle and nothing more.  I do truly appreciate the work he did as I would have to pay someone else to do it.  I thanked him and didn't continue to try to carry on the convos.  (At least I don't think I did)

I know it is probably wrong, but I did get him a small trinket as a gift of appreciation.  It cost $2 and it gets him a free Jr Frosty in 2019 when he buys something at Wendy's.  He loves Frosty's and enjoys eating at Wendy's.  The $2 donation goes to a charity so even if never used....it is a benefit to some organization.

So, we are getting snow today... Yeah!  I love all the season.  First snow of the season is fun and awesome.  I get to play in it today!  Shoveling sidewalks and plowing the driveway.  I love it!




Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline seahorse

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #29 on: November 15, 2018, 08:51:10 AM »
Good post Sam:

I love the snow too, and we're getting 2-4 inches tonight.

It seems like H has been turning toward you.
Hes comfortable doing things for the house and for you.
Hes not comfortable WITH you yet though.

You've done a great job of paving the way for him and he's feeling that.
He's also seeing you living your life, as if...

Keep up the great work!
Seahorses have one mate for life...

 

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