Author Topic: My Story Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot  (Read 1731 times)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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My Story Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #80 on: December 06, 2018, 04:24:57 PM »
Sam:

As always, you sound great.
Your interactions toward your H really show love but with detachment.
The acceptance part is so important -- so glad you've mastered the as well.
It really does bring peace.

Keep up the great work.
Glad that your dad is there to help you with the things you need help with.

Sea you are always such a good support to Sam good on you.

Sam, you sound like you have found peace which is sooo nice isn’t it!

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #81 on: December 11, 2018, 11:58:21 AM »
Hey Sea - Thank you so much for your continued support!  We got this!

Rose - Sea is a good friend.  I can count on her and vice versa!    I am at peace.  I am just doing me right now and rolling with the punches.

Updates:

Not much happening here!  Had a cookie party on Sunday at my house.  What a blast.  We had so much fun! 
Best part is that the house is cleaned and ready to go for the holidays and cookies are all made and six of us worked together instead of me having to do six batches myself!  Yeah!
Christmas shopping is all done except for my parents.  They may get IOU's for family meals.  They are to the point where they adore family time so I think it is appropriate to make meals and invite every one over at least every other month if not monthly this year for them.  Invite sister and her family and my D and her family and just give them some family time that is not at a restaurant.

I also am hosting Christmas this year for my side of the family.  Been thinking about what to do about H.  Invite him or not.  I am leaning towards not inviting him for my family dinner.  I am concerned that my dad will be uncomfortable and I don't want that.  My dad still loves and cares for him but H avoids my dad more than he avoids me.  My Dad isn't one to take the first step either so those two are at an impasse and it will remain that way until H decides to make a step forward towards him.  I won't interfere.  H has to fix that on his own too.  So my family gets together on Christmas eve. 

Then on Christmas day my kids are coming over for leftovers.  I was gonna reach out to H, SIL, parents in laws as well as my family and send out an open invite for anyone to stop by anytime for leftovers.  Make it an open house type of event.  My parents have no where to go and neither do my in laws during the day.  If anyone shows it is a blessing and if no one shows, then I get baby snuggles all to myself. 

Typically my in-laws have gift exchange at their house Christmas night and have snacks and desserts.  Last year I was not invited.  H showed up late because he had to spend time with the OW before he abandoned her to go to his parents.  He didn't invite her along to go there.  While he was there, it was reported to me he was grumpy and sat alone and played on his phone all night long and left early.   Hmmmm, had to get to ow after 2 hours.   LOL.   

Anyhow, I don't expect to be invited this year and if I was, I would show early and leave early and let the family have their time if I would go at all.  Most likely I would bow out of going.  My D is actually concerned that she won't get invited.   SIL had cake and ice cream for inlaws for their birthdays this year and never bothered to invite D and her family but made sure others were invited.  Very sad.  D never did anything to SIL to be ostracized like that!  See why I have some trust issues with her?

So, H is still letting my dogs out for me.  I offered to have my mom do it now that she is back in town and all I got was OK.  He is still doing it so I am just letting him do it until he tells me otherwise.  Yesterday he took care of my garbage can for me while he was at the house.  Thanked him via a text for both garbage and dogs.  He responded...I don't mind at all.  I love them.  They are great dogs, even T-dog (my dog who is crazy and goofy and he always teased me that he would kick him in the ribs...he never laid a finger on the dogs..haha...it was a standing joke)
Not reading anything into it but this is the 3rd time he said he loved the dogs.   I don't know what to believe.  Does he know what love is right now?  Doesn't matter, I am just glad he is stepping up and helping to take care of them right now.  Never know when that will end.

As for me....I am still good.  I am very busy right now.  Training a new person for the office.  Shopping, b-days, meetings, parties in the evenings.  Keeps me going.  Days I am not doing things I clean and chill.  Pass time talking to friends and reading and trying to catch up on shows but that is a lost cause.  Things just seem to be coming together for me.  I think it comes from my demeanor will I just let things roll off just like water rolls off a ducks back.   No worries...things will all be ok.  Stay calm and handle things a bit at a time.

I am finding I am not worrying and I am happy.  I wake up and know I am blessed in so many ways.  I will forever say it.  I hate that MLC had to happen and rip my life apart but I have grown so much as a person over the last year plus that I can't say it is a bad thing for me now.  Do I miss H...yep...do I love him...yep...I hate the pain that he is in and the pain he has caused others with his actions but I can not overlook my growth.  I have read and read and read some more and I have turned myself into a much better person in so many ways.  I got rid of the old things about myself that I found I didn't like and the things I did like...I made them better.   I am lucky to be on this side of the coin!  Now it is time for me to pay it forward and be there for others in ways that I am able.

I have really become adjusted to living alone and only being responsible to me and the dogs and the house and my businesses.   I have been re-organizing and getting my house in order and getting rid of old crap that I don't use anymore.   All but that old TV H still needs to move.   LMAO.  Not holding my breath on that!
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline notdoneyet

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #82 on: December 11, 2018, 02:44:45 PM »
SAM...you are absolutely amazing and such an inspiration to me! I wake up every day thinking of your strength and following suit. I love our group chats and even in my darkest moments which are becoming less and less, I know that despite this crappy MLC, I am way better off than most.

 I'm so glad your cookie day went well...can you please text me the recipe for your Jingle Juice :) 

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #83 on: December 11, 2018, 04:14:20 PM »
Sam

You sound good as ever. That’s a while now H has been helping with the dogs. Hopefully he is getting joy from them. Good on you letting him help, feel useful and be around the house easily. These things can only help. And if not, nothing lost!

Christmas is a tricky time especially during MLC years. Not easy to keep everyone happy. Hopefully it all fits into place easily enough and your D is kept in the loop.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #84 on: December 12, 2018, 06:54:32 AM »
Not - Thanks for your kinds words.  Just as you look to me...I also look to you!  Together the FAB 5 will get through all of this!  Like you, I love our group chats and support we show each other!

Rose - I am good.  Not in a conceded way, but in a confident way.  I feel good.  I feel happy and confident and no matter what, my future is promising!


Update:   MLC...ugh!  Just when I wrote H off he came through.  Discovered late last night that H removed my TV.   Whoop Whoop!  It is finally gone.  Never expected.  I was shocked.

This morning, he stopped by to see D.  It is her b-day.  Outside of them sharing a few memes, he has not seen her or the kids since Thanks giving.  Is not going to visit on his days off, but he ran out today.  Took her 2 soft pretzels from the farmers market and gave her money for her bday.  Before he left, he asked for a hug!   She was floored.  Shocked!

She has been through everything with me and has watched his antics over the last year.  She is reserved through this and like me, EXPECTING a major pull back or some other "bad" news to come from him.

I realized in the wee hours of the morning that I am also sitting back and watching and waiting for something negative to come from H.  This is based on the way he has done things in the past.  He comes around.  Does work at the house.  Is friendly and kind at bdays and holidays and then runs off to the OW.   I hope this time he doesn't follow the same cycle....only time will tell.  I keep my guard up in a way.  I don't expect him to help at the house but I acknowledge when he does.  I don't expect him to stay here...but I hope he does.   I wouldn't be surprised if he quit his job and ran away again....but I hope he doesn't.  I just keep a little firewall up in my brain and my heart so if he runs again...I won't be shocked or surprised.

I don't let these thoughts rule my life.  These are the things I contemplate when I am alone and all is quiet and I let my mind flow freely.  I recognize things...I deal with things this way and I adjust and move forward with my life in a way that makes me happy.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #85 on: December 12, 2018, 07:39:54 AM »
Quote
  I just keep a little firewall up in my brain and my heart so if he runs again...I won't be shocked or surprised.

Firewall!  This is a perfect description of what I have going on right now.  My problem is my H is showing signs of coming out of this thing and I don’t know how to start taking the firewall down. I don’t trust anything but actions anymore.

You continue to move forward with grace Sam.  Good job!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #86 on: December 12, 2018, 08:19:06 AM »
Roo...I believe when the time is right you will know it and the firewall will come down...maybe a block at a time but it will come down.

Don't rush it and just go wit the flow!  I have to believe that when I am given the opportunity, my gut will lead me in the right direction.   Thanks for sharing your journey so those of us behind you can learn.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Offline seahorse

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #87 on: December 13, 2018, 11:49:30 AM »
Regarding firewall:

Interesting because Joe Beam talks about taking the bricks out of the wall one-by-one when reconnecting.

Sam - Good attitude, positive but no expectations. 
Keep up inspiring others through your posts.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Acorn

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #88 on: December 13, 2018, 11:54:07 AM »
I don't let these thoughts rule my life.  These are the things I contemplate when I am alone and all is quiet and I let my mind flow freely.  I recognize things...I deal with things this way and I adjust and move forward with my life in a way that makes me happy.

I’m so glad to read this, Sam. 
There is nothing we can do for MLCer as you know.  There is peace in that. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - No Longer on Auto Pilot
« Reply #89 on: December 14, 2018, 11:57:19 AM »
Sea - I not only think they come down one at a time...I think we put them up one at a time too.

Acorn - I 100% agree with you.  My Ms. Fix - It button is broke when it comes to H and others in my life now too!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Reflecting - This is not an update as usual.  This is me reflecting.  I have been looking back over the last year plus since BD.  I can really see my growth.  A year ago I hung my everything on a call a text or a visit.  Now....not only do I not expect them but when they do happen, I know they are meaningless.  I wasn't strong enough to detach back then despite the advice I was given.  Today...I do feel detached.  Becoming more and more detached all the time.  A little scary.  Now I understand why people question if they will still love in the future....I am not void...I am not numb...I am more nonchalant about H.  I still love him and pray for the day he starts to heal himself.  However, I think of him less and less all the time.  I have so much going on in my life, that I don't have time for his shenanigans.  I just gotta take care of me.

I do appreciate his help right now with the dogs.  More for the dogs sake than mine.  Other than the dogs, we really have little to no interaction at all.  This has become my new norm.  Would I like it to be different...yes I would...but it is not and I can't force him to want to come back and become a true h again.  That is all on him.

So, in reflecting I realized that detachment did come in small steps.  That firewall went up a brick at a time....someday it will come down the same way.  No more wrecking balls in my life if I can help it!  Sometimes when I was stronger, I put up a few bricks...but basically, I slowly and gradually put up the firewall that led me to detachment.  It was not easy...but it happened and continues to happen.  My growth and healing has been a good thing for me and those around me who choose to be in my life.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Update:

In the past, my H and a friend would go to my parents hunting cabin annually and hunt together.  This year, Friend is still going up but H didn't.  F reported to my dad that H was talking about the cabin and missing it and wishing he was going.  F said "come up with me"  H said he can't and either walked away or quickly changed the subject.   F then told my dad of the story and said that H is embarrassed to go to the cabin and be around family and friends after everything.

My response to my Dad was that H is not ready to deal with himself yet.  Only he can forgive himself now and more towards healing.

This convo came about because I asked my Dad about inviting H for Christmas.  He was supportive and told me that H has not talked to him in over a year and if he shows up my Dad would be friendly and courteous and welcoming.  He doesn't think H will show.  My sister and bil were also in the same mindset.

So, I didn't actually invite him but I included him in our finalized plans for Christmas.  It is up to him to show or not show.  His choice. He can choose to be with family or stew on his own.  Either way I am going to have a great few days spoiling my grandkids. 

H has texted a few times in the last few days regarding the kids....but that is all.  Nothing else. 

Hope everyone has a good weekend!  Festival tonight....finishing up wrapping this weekend.   The 12 days of Christmas starts to day for my grandson.  Instead of big presents on Christmas only, he will get a small present each day for the next 12 days.  I am so looking forward to this!  I am just a kid at heart sometimes too! 
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. 

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch

Married 33.25 years
Together 35.5 years
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 In Prof School
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

 

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