Author Topic: My Story Ready for a New Word  (Read 3819 times)

Online DumbfoundedTopic starter

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My Story Ready for a New Word
« on: November 09, 2018, 11:43:06 AM »
Well, I am approaching a lot of major anniversaries - the 4 year anniversary of breaking my hand, SIL being killed in a car accident 2 days later, H falling and needing emergency knee surgery a few weeks later, the birth of my nephew and the frightening medical emergency of my sister during his birth 2 weeks before Christmas.

This was all preeceded in June of that same year by straight line winds that did major destruction to the house and a week later a burst pipe in the basement.  It was a miserable Christmas 4 years ago - but we were all together grieving and healing as best we could both mentally and physically.  I believe, that year was the catalyst for LB's MLC.       

And, thus, the three year anniversary of BD follows in March, 2019. Three years.

It feels like another lifetime and yesterday all at the same time. But I was taken aback when a Fakebook friend posted that the year 4 anniversary of SIL death was in a few days. 4 years. The kids and I lived a totally different life 4 years ago.

Monday was my 48 birthday. It rained cats and dogs, I worked, dropped S at basketball and went to the gym.  LB picked S up from basketball - and S came home with card for me. S must have made LB stop on the way home so he could buy a card. It makes me sad that the kids have nobody to take them out to buy me a gift. So, I fussed over the card and called it day.  Not my best birthday ever - but not my worst either.  A nice rainy down day and I got my gym time in and bought us ice cream sundaes on the way home - a little self love.

And then election day - that is my jam. I was ready on the couch with drinks and snacks. The kids all but orphaned election babies - asking tentative questions from the doorway and getting long thoughtful answers on the democratic process only to be interrupted by my screams at the tv as if a major sporting event was taking place.  I am sure they made secret observations about my sanity.
   
To make it up, I took the kids and some friends to an amusement park yesterday for the school holiday. I spent a lot of time sitting alone on park benches, holding bags and cellphones, sipping from my unlimited soda refill mug, enjoying the fall sunshine and thinking. 

I spent a lot of time thinking about if I could magically go back in time 5 years would I go. My immediate thought was, that for the kids, I would go back in heartbeat - to have us all together in one house, everyone talking and able to sit in the same room together for celebrations and funerals, family vacations.  But for me, not back to same thing - killing myself, day in and day out, trying to make everyone happy with nobody being happy - most of all me.  A lot would have to change for that to be my wish nowadays.  I really like answering only to me - being responsible for my own happiness. Single looks good on me.

For those of you that were with me a year ago, I picked a word for New Years last year that would represent the New Year for me.  My word was "selfish". I took a lot of flack for my word.  People called, messaged and texted me that I had to reconsider, pick a new word.  People were really off put by MY word. Wrinkling up their nose and frowny faces. It was really quite interesting - all this talk of self love and focus on yourself but I couldn't pick "selfish" as MY word. The more people fought and argued with me the more I clung to MY word. I was tapped out, emotionally exhausted, I had given everything I had to try and save my marriage and had nearly lost myself - doggone it I surely deserved one year out of my 47 where I could be totally selfish. I needed that word and I kept it. A year of selfish - just for me.   

I drew up the drawbridges and filled the moat with alligators and locked myself inside my castle (because I am a queen) and I have stayed there all year. I eat and drink what I want, I say no a lot, I speak my mind, I sing very loudly and I defend S and D with a sword.  I spend my time on me. I try not to care what the neighbors, co-workers, church people think of me. 

But I was doing my 5 minutes of cardio the other day and there was guy on the machine next to me and he started chatting with me.  Nothing flirty.  Just hey does that machine work the same as this one - I hurt my ankle and don't want to injury myself more here. I found myself being chatty with the guy and turns out he was an AAU basketball coach who hurt his ankle and can't run his 40 thousand miles on the track like usual and whatnot.  So we ended up doing our cardio together and he gave me lots of pointers for S and we laughed a lot.

As I was walking out to the car, I decided I was tired of being stuck in the castle being selfish.  Don't get me wrong... I don't want to date. I don't have time to invest in anyone but myself and my kids right now. I just want to stop shutting people out - a little - see how it goes.   

And on the park bench yesterday I decided I need a new word for next year.  It is time.   
               

     

 



https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10362.0;all
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2018, 11:59:39 AM »
Attaching, DF!
Loved your reflection on the past year.  Quite the year, eh?!  Your ‘selfish’ theme worked wonders for you.  I would describe it as ‘self-care’ and ‘I define myself’. 

Keep polishing and wearing that crown, DF.  Onward we go!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2018, 12:02:12 PM »
Hi, Following along DF - I love that - IT IS TIME!
PG xxx

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2018, 02:00:34 PM »
Df, what a fantastic post!!

It's odd but after time you realize maybe going back to what was would not be that great!  Yes for the stability of the kids maybe, the family unit in tact, but other than that maybe you are happier now without even realizing it.

You now see single looks good on you.  I think a lot of us feel that way after some time.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Shelly7435

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2018, 10:50:58 AM »
Yes yes and yes on your post.  It is time.. Single does look good on you.
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Online Milly

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2018, 11:28:11 AM »
Great post, DF! I think the LBS needs a selfish period after all the years of giving. It's clearly done wonders for you. Maybe we need some selfish to rebalance things again.

So many terrible things going on in your life 4 years, ago. Your life now sounds so much more peaceful. xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Never say never

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2018, 05:35:53 PM »
DF ...

After all you have been through, I would say you are "dumbfounded no more."  We think there is nothing more we can't go through ... only to have yet another setback or another misfortune or disappointment.

There does come a time when we realize that we've got it.  Yep ... we don't need anyone else's approval or anyone else to turn to because we can handle it on our own.

You have earned that, DF ... Leaky Bucket needs time to plug up his holes... 

((((HUGS))))

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2018, 06:01:13 PM »
I really like answering only to me - being responsible for my own happiness. Single looks good on me.
I so get this. And this is how we find who we are, what we like and what we will accept. Time is on your side.  ;D
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2018, 07:27:27 PM »
Traveling the adventure with you, DF. 

How's the horse?  Have you purchased your cowgirl boots yet?   You could always use the money that your former MIL sent to you!   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2018, 10:50:19 AM »
Welcome back SB, OR, NSN, Milly, Shelly, Thunder. Philly and Acorn. It always makes me smile to see all of you.

SB - Now that D has her drivers license and her car I don't get to see the horse much anymore. D gets home from school, changes her clothes and drives herself out to the farm.   

OR - Got nothing but time. I find myself sleeping less and less these days because I am so excited about getting stuff done. I have a million things I haven't done and I am sooo ready to get started. Nobody to argue with me about it. Although I could use a little more balance between running at the world full speed and rest.     

NSN - I think I will always be dumbfounded about MLC. I have just learned that there really aren't any answers beyond it is really, really, really not about me or the marriage. Drop the rope. Focus on yourself.  That is it.

Acorn and Milly - I tried some "nicer" words, self-love, peace, joy, etc. but I found they really didn't give me the permission I needed to cut off the things that didn't serve me anymore. I really needed to say that right now it is ok to be selfish and focus on myself and what I need to heal and grow. 

Thunder- Just the thought of going back to my old life feels like being asked to squeeze myself back into the gift box.  So much more freedom outside the marriage box.

LB has been communicating with the kids more. He has been picking S up from basketball practice almost every night. He gave D $200 for her birthday. I joked with my Mom over the weekend that it feels like we are still married - I drop off and he picks up and we don't see each other.  All this fuss and we are kinda back to the same old routine... which works for us.  Although he still disappears on the weekends.

xMIL sent me a package containing Christmas pajamas. :o  I sat them on the counter with the card and the money. 

MOO2 hasn't been back to church since the bible flipping incident. I guess she didn't find what she was looking for although, if you can't keep the first 10 commandments, there really isn't any need to dig deeper. Her kids come to church with either her brother or her parents. Her Mom was crying in church again yesterday. The rumor is that the kids are never with MOO2 - they are shuffled around from person to person. So sad.

Anyhoo... not my problem. Just an observation.

So the toilet broke. I decided with all my newfound LBS optimism that I could fix the toilet. I went to the store and bought myself a kit to replace the innards of the toilet. I disassembled the toilet. I can tell you that you learn a lot about how things work when you disassemble a toilet. It is like a real life version of the game Mousetrap. 

Well, I just about had the whole toilet apart and then I got hung up with a plastic nut that just wouldn't budge. I learned about pipe wrenches and channel wrenches and lubricants - I was bending the ear off a church member  who does a lot of the plumbing work at the church and he drug me into the ladies bathroom at church and we took THAT toilet apart so he could show me how to fix my problem. While we were working, MOO2's D came up to the bathroom and asked my D what we were doing - D replied - oh, my Mom took apart the toilet at home and needs advice so she doesn't flood the whole house up. But now she is taking apart the church toilet with X.

I went home and applied my new found toilet knowledge and sure enough I was able to get around the problem. I got the whole toilet back together with the new innards and all working swell until FLUSH --- it leaked on the floor. >:(  Drat! 

I think I have now narrowed down the problem to the gasket or the bolt with fancy blue dye. I love that I know what a gasket is now.

Anyway, I drained the toilet again, made a pork loin for diner and folded laundry.  We are back to the toilet drawing board.         




« Last Edit: November 12, 2018, 10:53:37 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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