Author Topic: My Story Ready for a New Word  (Read 4756 times)

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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My Story Ready for a New Word
« on: November 09, 2018, 11:43:06 AM »
Well, I am approaching a lot of major anniversaries - the 4 year anniversary of breaking my hand, SIL being killed in a car accident 2 days later, H falling and needing emergency knee surgery a few weeks later, the birth of my nephew and the frightening medical emergency of my sister during his birth 2 weeks before Christmas.

This was all preeceded in June of that same year by straight line winds that did major destruction to the house and a week later a burst pipe in the basement.  It was a miserable Christmas 4 years ago - but we were all together grieving and healing as best we could both mentally and physically.  I believe, that year was the catalyst for LB's MLC.       

And, thus, the three year anniversary of BD follows in March, 2019. Three years.

It feels like another lifetime and yesterday all at the same time. But I was taken aback when a Fakebook friend posted that the year 4 anniversary of SIL death was in a few days. 4 years. The kids and I lived a totally different life 4 years ago.

Monday was my 48 birthday. It rained cats and dogs, I worked, dropped S at basketball and went to the gym.  LB picked S up from basketball - and S came home with card for me. S must have made LB stop on the way home so he could buy a card. It makes me sad that the kids have nobody to take them out to buy me a gift. So, I fussed over the card and called it day.  Not my best birthday ever - but not my worst either.  A nice rainy down day and I got my gym time in and bought us ice cream sundaes on the way home - a little self love.

And then election day - that is my jam. I was ready on the couch with drinks and snacks. The kids all but orphaned election babies - asking tentative questions from the doorway and getting long thoughtful answers on the democratic process only to be interrupted by my screams at the tv as if a major sporting event was taking place.  I am sure they made secret observations about my sanity.
   
To make it up, I took the kids and some friends to an amusement park yesterday for the school holiday. I spent a lot of time sitting alone on park benches, holding bags and cellphones, sipping from my unlimited soda refill mug, enjoying the fall sunshine and thinking. 

I spent a lot of time thinking about if I could magically go back in time 5 years would I go. My immediate thought was, that for the kids, I would go back in heartbeat - to have us all together in one house, everyone talking and able to sit in the same room together for celebrations and funerals, family vacations.  But for me, not back to same thing - killing myself, day in and day out, trying to make everyone happy with nobody being happy - most of all me.  A lot would have to change for that to be my wish nowadays.  I really like answering only to me - being responsible for my own happiness. Single looks good on me.

For those of you that were with me a year ago, I picked a word for New Years last year that would represent the New Year for me.  My word was "selfish". I took a lot of flack for my word.  People called, messaged and texted me that I had to reconsider, pick a new word.  People were really off put by MY word. Wrinkling up their nose and frowny faces. It was really quite interesting - all this talk of self love and focus on yourself but I couldn't pick "selfish" as MY word. The more people fought and argued with me the more I clung to MY word. I was tapped out, emotionally exhausted, I had given everything I had to try and save my marriage and had nearly lost myself - doggone it I surely deserved one year out of my 47 where I could be totally selfish. I needed that word and I kept it. A year of selfish - just for me.   

I drew up the drawbridges and filled the moat with alligators and locked myself inside my castle (because I am a queen) and I have stayed there all year. I eat and drink what I want, I say no a lot, I speak my mind, I sing very loudly and I defend S and D with a sword.  I spend my time on me. I try not to care what the neighbors, co-workers, church people think of me. 

But I was doing my 5 minutes of cardio the other day and there was guy on the machine next to me and he started chatting with me.  Nothing flirty.  Just hey does that machine work the same as this one - I hurt my ankle and don't want to injury myself more here. I found myself being chatty with the guy and turns out he was an AAU basketball coach who hurt his ankle and can't run his 40 thousand miles on the track like usual and whatnot.  So we ended up doing our cardio together and he gave me lots of pointers for S and we laughed a lot.

As I was walking out to the car, I decided I was tired of being stuck in the castle being selfish.  Don't get me wrong... I don't want to date. I don't have time to invest in anyone but myself and my kids right now. I just want to stop shutting people out - a little - see how it goes.   

And on the park bench yesterday I decided I need a new word for next year.  It is time.   
               

     

 



https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10362.0;all
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2018, 11:59:39 AM »
Attaching, DF!
Loved your reflection on the past year.  Quite the year, eh?!  Your ‘selfish’ theme worked wonders for you.  I would describe it as ‘self-care’ and ‘I define myself’. 

Keep polishing and wearing that crown, DF.  Onward we go!
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2018, 12:02:12 PM »
Hi, Following along DF - I love that - IT IS TIME!
PG xxx

Offline Thunder

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2018, 02:00:34 PM »
Df, what a fantastic post!!

It's odd but after time you realize maybe going back to what was would not be that great!  Yes for the stability of the kids maybe, the family unit in tact, but other than that maybe you are happier now without even realizing it.

You now see single looks good on you.  I think a lot of us feel that way after some time.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2018, 10:50:58 AM »
Yes yes and yes on your post.  It is time.. Single does look good on you.
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Milly

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2018, 11:28:11 AM »
Great post, DF! I think the LBS needs a selfish period after all the years of giving. It's clearly done wonders for you. Maybe we need some selfish to rebalance things again.

So many terrible things going on in your life 4 years, ago. Your life now sounds so much more peaceful. xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Never say never

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2018, 05:35:53 PM »
DF ...

After all you have been through, I would say you are "dumbfounded no more."  We think there is nothing more we can't go through ... only to have yet another setback or another misfortune or disappointment.

There does come a time when we realize that we've got it.  Yep ... we don't need anyone else's approval or anyone else to turn to because we can handle it on our own.

You have earned that, DF ... Leaky Bucket needs time to plug up his holes... 

((((HUGS))))

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2018, 06:01:13 PM »
I really like answering only to me - being responsible for my own happiness. Single looks good on me.
I so get this. And this is how we find who we are, what we like and what we will accept. Time is on your side.  ;D
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2018, 07:27:27 PM »
Traveling the adventure with you, DF. 

How's the horse?  Have you purchased your cowgirl boots yet?   You could always use the money that your former MIL sent to you!   ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2018, 10:50:19 AM »
Welcome back SB, OR, NSN, Milly, Shelly, Thunder. Philly and Acorn. It always makes me smile to see all of you.

SB - Now that D has her drivers license and her car I don't get to see the horse much anymore. D gets home from school, changes her clothes and drives herself out to the farm.   

OR - Got nothing but time. I find myself sleeping less and less these days because I am so excited about getting stuff done. I have a million things I haven't done and I am sooo ready to get started. Nobody to argue with me about it. Although I could use a little more balance between running at the world full speed and rest.     

NSN - I think I will always be dumbfounded about MLC. I have just learned that there really aren't any answers beyond it is really, really, really not about me or the marriage. Drop the rope. Focus on yourself.  That is it.

Acorn and Milly - I tried some "nicer" words, self-love, peace, joy, etc. but I found they really didn't give me the permission I needed to cut off the things that didn't serve me anymore. I really needed to say that right now it is ok to be selfish and focus on myself and what I need to heal and grow. 

Thunder- Just the thought of going back to my old life feels like being asked to squeeze myself back into the gift box.  So much more freedom outside the marriage box.

LB has been communicating with the kids more. He has been picking S up from basketball practice almost every night. He gave D $200 for her birthday. I joked with my Mom over the weekend that it feels like we are still married - I drop off and he picks up and we don't see each other.  All this fuss and we are kinda back to the same old routine... which works for us.  Although he still disappears on the weekends.

xMIL sent me a package containing Christmas pajamas. :o  I sat them on the counter with the card and the money. 

MOO2 hasn't been back to church since the bible flipping incident. I guess she didn't find what she was looking for although, if you can't keep the first 10 commandments, there really isn't any need to dig deeper. Her kids come to church with either her brother or her parents. Her Mom was crying in church again yesterday. The rumor is that the kids are never with MOO2 - they are shuffled around from person to person. So sad.

Anyhoo... not my problem. Just an observation.

So the toilet broke. I decided with all my newfound LBS optimism that I could fix the toilet. I went to the store and bought myself a kit to replace the innards of the toilet. I disassembled the toilet. I can tell you that you learn a lot about how things work when you disassemble a toilet. It is like a real life version of the game Mousetrap. 

Well, I just about had the whole toilet apart and then I got hung up with a plastic nut that just wouldn't budge. I learned about pipe wrenches and channel wrenches and lubricants - I was bending the ear off a church member  who does a lot of the plumbing work at the church and he drug me into the ladies bathroom at church and we took THAT toilet apart so he could show me how to fix my problem. While we were working, MOO2's D came up to the bathroom and asked my D what we were doing - D replied - oh, my Mom took apart the toilet at home and needs advice so she doesn't flood the whole house up. But now she is taking apart the church toilet with X.

I went home and applied my new found toilet knowledge and sure enough I was able to get around the problem. I got the whole toilet back together with the new innards and all working swell until FLUSH --- it leaked on the floor. >:(  Drat! 

I think I have now narrowed down the problem to the gasket or the bolt with fancy blue dye. I love that I know what a gasket is now.

Anyway, I drained the toilet again, made a pork loin for diner and folded laundry.  We are back to the toilet drawing board.         




« Last Edit: November 12, 2018, 10:53:37 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #10 on: November 12, 2018, 03:37:02 PM »

Anyway, I drained the toilet again, made a pork loin for diner and folded laundry.  We are back to the toilet drawing board. 
     

So a very successful day then, DF!   ;)

I have said many times since MLCer ran away that YouTube quite suddenly became one of my closest friends.   

I'll see your gasket and raise you re-seating a tire on a rim with a ratchet strap! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2018, 04:10:06 PM »
I love it DF! You really are a bada$$. And yes Still, isn't it amazing what we can actually do when we have no one to rely  on but ourselves?  I was even half afraid of changing some of the lightbulbs!  But hey, over it now. We got this.


MOO2s mom crying in church. I mean just wow. If that isn't telling I don't know what is.

Anyway, I love your attitude and want to get there so bad.  I need to drop that rope....again. I like that you are letting people in. I think I may be at the place to shut some out tho. And boy do I hear you on the dating. Who has time for that? Oh right, mlcers.


Sounding awesome DF.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2018, 10:17:41 AM »
VENTING....

Just had an e-mail from the accountant. They have submitted the DRAFT Order to divide up the retirement money 3 times with no response. So infuriating.  In addition, LB hasn't yet signed the Deed over to me despite his co-parenting messages saying he would. Can't refinance. Interest rates are going up.

It is like he is "divorced enough" and doesn't want to go through with the part of his divorce where I get half.

He is also ignoring his 1/2 payment for D's junior class trip. Well, D is all happy because he gave her $200.00 for her birthday (2 weeks late) which she plans to use to buy a blanket for her horse.  Lots of grumbling under my breath here. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #13 on: November 14, 2018, 10:22:45 AM »
Oh girl, vent away. They are allergic to anything that requires even the slightest bit of responsibility. So frustrating. If he is technically in default under the agreement by not complying, what are your options? Hopefully you (through your L bc you don’t need that bs in your life) can force him into it.

Divorced enough. That is funny. However I suspect also this is a bit of him hanging onto the last DF thread he has. Whether he is aware of it or not....
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #14 on: November 14, 2018, 10:38:15 AM »
Oh I have already sent an e-mail to my lawyer who is currently on vacation.  I will have a Guardian Ad Litem appointed to sign the Deed and approve the Order if I have to go there. I got two more month of selfish in me. I am sure of it.

He can hang on all he wants, or retaliate for my holding the car title, or try to destroy me, or try to keep his fair share or whatever he is trying to do.... but WE are not half a$$ing this divorce. We are doing ALL. THE. STEPS. if I have to drag him through the mud to get us there and write "FINISHED" on his forehead in sharpie marker.     

 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Treasur

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #15 on: November 14, 2018, 10:50:03 AM »
Bizarre how so many do this isn't it, DF? As you say 'divorced enough'...tbh, I think they sort of mentally divorce us at BD and then find the grown up stuff really irritating. Like if they say it in their head, kapow, good enough  ::)

Chuckled at the idea of a sharpie though...hmm indelible one presumably...bet we can all think of a few good words for that  :)
« Last Edit: November 14, 2018, 10:51:15 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline cowgirlslayer

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #16 on: November 14, 2018, 11:31:00 AM »
I had to giggle at the image of me hogtying my STBX and writing DONE on his forehead in permanent marker!! Made my day! I so want to do that!

I think you are right - they feel divorced so they act like they are and feel like they are but don't handle the pesky little details like getting an agreed order for child support signed or answering emails from their attorney - why should they? In their mine everything is done. They have moved on.
M-48
H-43
D-13
Married 18 years - together 20
BD - 7/17
ILYBINILWY - 7/17
Asked for Divorce - 9/17
Sold home and moved out  - 1/18
Divorced  - 5/19

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #17 on: November 14, 2018, 03:30:09 PM »
DF
The D part for them is the I'm free feeling they get. The rest of the D is reality. They don't like that one bit.
Vent away DF.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #18 on: November 14, 2018, 07:30:19 PM »
I keep a large variety of colored sharpies in my office.  Let me know what color you'd like. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #19 on: November 14, 2018, 09:11:54 PM »
Maybe we could go in on a stamp together. Maybe get a group rate.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2018, 05:51:44 AM »
Lost you DF, but see you are still rocking this stuff. We are bday buddies, seems to be so many here with bdays at this time. And toilet fixing buddies 🙄 I flooded my en-suite 3 times with a geyser out the top of mine recently...grr...must admit S20 with his strength fixed it in the end. My word was selfish too, or selfcare, along those lines...have achieved it pretty well I think, this has been a massive year for me in the scheme of things. One thing will say is I am dating, it scared the pants off of me, still does I guess...but it is also quite lovely...one day it might be the same for you, if it feels right...I didn’t plan it, it just happened. Take care, I have so much respect for you and the way you do LBS 😊
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #21 on: November 25, 2018, 08:24:22 PM »
I have survived yet another holiday. Thanksgiving was a repeat of last year with the exception that D drove her and S to xMILs for Thanksgiving #1 and then drove to my Mom’s for Thanksgiving #2. Both kids arrived at my Mom’shungry and complaining that xMIL is a terrible cook (which she is) and there is nobody to talk to at XMIL’s house. My sister asked them a bunch of questions about xMIL and they were both giving her short answers.

 Black Friday the kids and I planned to put up the tree and decorations but that was all cut short when LB decided he wanted to take the kids to a movie with MOO2 and her kids. There was much ado about what movie they were seeing with MOO2’s kids wanting to see one movie and my kids wanting to see another movie. D refused to go at one point and I was utterly frustrated as all the drama made our planned decorating much less festive. Finally, everyone agreed to see the movie D wanted to see and off they went. There I stood with the tree up and nobody to enjoy it with. And for the first time in a long time I had a good ugly cry because I missed my family.

So, I went out and did a bit of shopping because the thought of staying at home by myself with the tree was just too much for me to bear. I stayed in a funk all day Saturday but was better today.

The kids and I finished decorating the house today and D and I worked on a project for my Mom.  LB showed up at S’s basketball practice unannounced. I was so irritated that I had driven back to pick up S only to have LB just show up. I just stood there tapping my foot waiting for S. How much more of my time is this manchild going to waste?

LB decided he wanted to play basketball with S after practice. So I sat and waited. I couldn’t help but notice that LB is now the shape of the girl who turned into a blueberry in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The coach chased them off the court because another team was coming in.

LB spent the rest of the afternoon texting S asking what he was doing. He just doesn’t get it.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #22 on: November 26, 2018, 02:52:26 AM »
Mid-Lifers - can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #23 on: November 26, 2018, 09:40:08 AM »
Oh yuck. I hate that LB and MOO2 took the kids to a movie. Such crap. And I totally get that heartbreak.  A good cry is what is in order sometimes.

That last line about LB texting S all day sounds eerily familiar. Looking at my S's phone I see a huge amount of texts form H that go unanswered from S.  H "texted" S a Happy Thanksgiving on Thursday. Hadn't seen S since Monday am. And then went dark the rest of the week, except for a "What u up to?" text on Sat. Which S ignored. LOL.

They are such idiots! I sometimes am grateful that mine is too much of a coward to not even try to see S. But then it makes me feel bad that S doesn't have a F right now. It's a no win situation.

Hugs DF. Happy you got the rest of the house decorated. I love my Christmas decorations too! Even if I'm not in the spirit, the lights always seem to bring a certain amount of calm and joy.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #24 on: November 26, 2018, 10:06:12 AM »
Mid-Lifers - can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either...

Could you have an MLC tree topper?  :)
Actually, no, that's a horrible image....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #25 on: November 26, 2018, 11:09:04 AM »
You got that right UM.

KIT I think I would have been ok at home by myself if D hadn't mentioned MOO2's kids were going to be there too. Then I got a horrible image in my head of all of them sitting together in the movie theatre eating popcorn and I got myself all upset. Not even because I want to be with LB - because I really, really don't. It just seems so unfair. I have played by all the rules. Busted my butt being the perfect wife and mother - loyal to a fault.  But yet I am the one sitting at home on a holiday weekend, by myself, betrayed and abandoned. I guess I continue to be dumbfounded by it all. Sigh. 

But you will laugh KIT because I spent my time shopping and mumbling to myself something that you once told me - MOO2 doesn't expect anything from him. Nope - she sure doesn't.  She sure doesn't care if he takes care of himself, or stops living with and mooching off his Momma, or if he has any parenting skills, she doesn't expect loyalty or a moral code, certainly no expectations of dreams or goals - or at least I am not seeing any. Right sad if you wander around a store thinking about it for a time.  So, that did cheer me a little.   

Treasur.... Ewwwwww.  I will stick with my star.   ;D
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #26 on: November 26, 2018, 09:07:50 PM »
Attaching
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #27 on: November 27, 2018, 03:08:38 AM »
Mid-Lifers - can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either...

Could you have an MLC tree topper?  :)
Actually, no, that's a horrible image....

I'm going to need some brain Clorox after that one..... Gives a whole new meaning to "sit and spin."
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Acorn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #28 on: November 27, 2018, 05:54:41 AM »
MOO2 doesn't expect anything from him. Nope - she sure doesn't.  She sure doesn't care if he takes care of himself, or stops living with and mooching off his Momma, or if he has any parenting skills, she doesn't expect loyalty or a moral code, certainly no expectations of dreams or goals

If you didn’t say ‘MOO2’,  I would have thought you were describing an inanimate object, like a sack of potatoes.  When they say OW are broken, it is really true...  Broken attracts broken. 

Yes, stick with your star.  Maybe you can stick a picture of yourslef on it for extra shine?
(((((HUGS)))))))
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #29 on: November 27, 2018, 09:56:38 AM »
MOO2 and LB are two of the most broken people I have ever come across. At this point, they deserve each other and the moat of sadness, hurt, drama and addiction they have surrounded themselves with.

It makes me realize how far I have come from my post BD days of weeping on the bathroom floor because I thought LB left us for something better. What a joke. Newbies listen up.... you can not even begin to imagine how screwed up the OW is. The mere fact that you are laying on the bathroom floor crying because you care about your marriage and your kids and your inlaws makes you a much better person than the OW right out of the gate. You have feelings and morals. I don't care what she looks like, what kind of job she has, how much education she has, how much money she has.... she or he is a serious train wreck.  Any woman or man who would mess around with a married man has serious self esteem issues and that, my friends, is just the tip of that crazy OW iceburg.  What lies underneath the water is unimaginable to most of us until we get dragged under water by our MLC spouse for a good look.

But the crux of the matter, as it is relevant to me today, is why on earth would I have let these two jokers get so close to me and my life. Why was I willing to sacrifice myself, my happiness, my dreams to try and make these two really broken people happy?  Mirror, mirror on the wall.... 

       

 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online RedStar

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #30 on: November 27, 2018, 10:49:25 AM »
Just going to say "sing it, sister"...

...something better. What a joke.

I was really lucky, I think. I did know the OW wasn't better. In fact, xH reported things about her right away that would have absolutely repelled his real self. Then within a few weeks, he suddenly and completely bent every facet of his life around her. I knew that wasn't normal.

Quote
I don't care what she looks like

The OW in my case is frankly ugly. (Which, we find out, is typical.) But she can't help that. I'm just stating facts.

I'm going to remain civilized and not say what unattractive comparison instantly came to mind when I met her. This was a little before xH lost his mind completely, so I had no ill will floating around at that point.

Quote
what kind of job she has,
...how much money she has....

Answer? None. Gee, I wonder why xH has been having those typical MLC money problems. What an idiot...sigh.

Quote
how much education she has,

The exact answer to this, I don't know. But it is definitely less than what I have. And since (as seems to be often the case with MLCers) he's ridiculously intelligent, he's just slumming in people-pleasing land. He'll get bored eventually. And he could well choose to remain bored and miserable.

Quote
she or he is a serious train wreck.

Yep! How do I know? He said so! And THEN began his obsession.

So it is obvious why he would leave me for that. Anybody would--nooo contest!  :o ::) :o :o :o
 
In other words, DF..here's a "me too." And I'm sure it is true of most of us. It really IS dumbfounding how these formerly wonderful, intelligent and trustworthy spouses took utter leave of their senses and dove to the bottom of the barrel.

We do absolutely deserve better!!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #31 on: November 27, 2018, 06:20:55 PM »

It makes me realize how far I have come from my post BD days of weeping on the bathroom floor because I thought LB left us for something better. What a joke. Newbies listen up.... you can not even begin to imagine how screwed up the OW is. The mere fact that you are laying on the bathroom floor crying because you care about your marriage and your kids and your inlaws makes you a much better person than the OW right out of the gate. You have feelings and morals. I don't care what she looks like, what kind of job she has, how much education she has, how much money she has.... she or he is a serious train wreck.  Any woman or man who would mess around with a married man has serious self esteem issues and that, my friends, is just the tip of that crazy OW iceburg.  What lies underneath the water is unimaginable to most of us until we get dragged under water by our MLC spouse for a good look.

Yeah, this with whip cream and a cherry on top!  Read the above again, newbies! 

But the crux of the matter, as it is relevant to me today, is why on earth would I have let these two jokers get so close to me and my life. Why was I willing to sacrifice myself, my happiness, my dreams to try and make these two really broken people happy?  Mirror, mirror on the wall.... 

Ah, but they only got close, DF.  You saw the light and started moving toward it. 

     
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Anon

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #32 on: November 27, 2018, 06:24:55 PM »
Quote
xH reported things about her right away that would have absolutely repelled his real self. Then within a few weeks, he suddenly and completely bent every facet of his life around her.

Same with my H - it was weird how he just really didn't like her, didn't want her and couldn't wait to dump her.   Then overnight,,she became the love of his life!   How does that work??  Except in MLC land.

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #33 on: November 28, 2018, 05:49:32 AM »
Quote
It makes me realize how far I have come from my post BD days of weeping on the bathroom floor because I thought LB left us for something better. What a joke. Newbies listen up.... you can not even begin to imagine how screwed up the OW is. The mere fact that you are laying on the bathroom floor crying because you care about your marriage and your kids and your inlaws makes you a much better person than the OW right out of the gate. You have feelings and morals. I don't care what she looks like, what kind of job she has, how much education she has, how much money she has.... she or he is a serious train wreck.  Any woman or man who would mess around with a married man has serious self esteem issues and that, my friends, is just the tip of that crazy OW iceburg.  What lies underneath the water is unimaginable to most of us until we get dragged under water by our MLC spouse for a good look.
 
This!!! Oh my goodness it is so true.Just reading it brought back memories of the early days. DF, thank you for this reminder and proof that each day we do get stronger and we can reflect back and see just how messed up these people are. Hugs to you girl! You are doing great!

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #34 on: November 28, 2018, 09:22:39 AM »

It makes me realize how far I have come from my post BD days of weeping on the bathroom floor because I thought LB left us for something better. What a joke. Newbies listen up.... you can not even begin to imagine how screwed up the OW is. The mere fact that you are laying on the bathroom floor crying because you care about your marriage and your kids and your inlaws makes you a much better person than the OW right out of the gate. You have feelings and morals. I don't care what she looks like, what kind of job she has, how much education she has, how much money she has.... she or he is a serious train wreck.  Any woman or man who would mess around with a married man has serious self esteem issues and that, my friends, is just the tip of that crazy OW iceburg.  What lies underneath the water is unimaginable to most of us until we get dragged under water by our MLC spouse for a good look.

But the crux of the matter, as it is relevant to me today, is why on earth would I have let these two jokers get so close to me and my life. Why was I willing to sacrifice myself, my happiness, my dreams to try and make these two really broken people happy?  Mirror, mirror on the wall.... 

     

Love what you said about OW. But love what you said about you even more. You absolutely have come a long way. You made a comment on my thread about your bff warning you against becoming hardened. Definitely good advice and she knows you best. But from what I’ve seen on here, you have way too much love in your heart to ever become Bitter Betty.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #35 on: November 28, 2018, 09:53:50 PM »
Dumbfounded
  I was worried I would become bitter also,I'm not bitter ,I'm mad as heck. I mean we seperated sept 15 ,then he began playing with my heart in 2016 , 2017 peace and kindness. June 25 2018  D final Oct 2018 remarried .  My head is still spinning

   They were both married when it started ,  . Like you I was lying and crying my heart out . All the time he was with her , so they can have each other.
 I was reading back on my posts as well . We have came a long way

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #36 on: November 29, 2018, 02:06:15 AM »
Attaching df. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #37 on: December 03, 2018, 08:00:06 PM »
So a small insanity that I can only share with you all here.

I was sitting in church Sunday, happily MOO2 free the last two weeks, looking at the bulletin and I noticed the flowers were dedicated to MOO2 for her birthday (Dec 1 ) from the MOO2 family. Huh? Her two kids are my kids ages - no jobs - and I am pretty sure MOO2 H didn’t place the dedication for them. My only conclusion was MOO2 dedicated the flowers to herself and listed them as being from a family she doesn’t have because she destroyed it. o

Bahahahahahaha!! I didn’t say a word to anyone else for fear of looking like I care. But oh Lord I am just dying to know if anyone else found the dedication bizarre given the situation.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #38 on: December 03, 2018, 08:14:41 PM »
Lol Dumbfounded  you did good in not telling but if she saw you looking she knows you know  :) ;D

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #39 on: December 03, 2018, 10:06:06 PM »
Omg—so freakin pathetic!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #40 on: December 04, 2018, 12:23:53 AM »
Tbh, I find the combo of active church attendance while committing adultery is already too bizarre to wrap my head round.... ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #41 on: December 04, 2018, 01:29:01 AM »
Here's a dose of Monkey-braining for you....

LB did it and dedicated it from her family because that way "no one knows." <snort>

Seriously pathetic, regardless.....

I also agree with Treasur - the idea of being in church while shagging someone who is married to someone else while still being married yourself? Uhhmmmmm ......
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #42 on: December 04, 2018, 10:09:37 AM »
It is Tuesday and I am still chuckling about the flowers. Thank you all for letting me share that with you.  I was dying to tell someone.

Ropeburn, MOO2 wasn't even there Sunday to enjoy her flowers. Both of her kids were there with relatives.

KIT and Treasur  - right! Seriously pathetic. A new pathetic low. Buying flowers to publically honor yourself at a church.  Oh LB, you got a winner there with your new gal. I wonder if she fooled God too? Bahahahaha!   My first IC after BD tried to convince me she was a Narc Psychopath. I could agree Narc but I could never agree with the pychopath part of his analysis. I don't know... this is a pretty twisted mindset.   

UM  - I considered it but that is way too much work for LB. Considering the lack of effort he put into my birthdays for 20 years  - nope.  Besides my Mom is the church Treasurer and she would have been on to that.

In any event, work has been super busy and I am starting to work at pre BD levels again. I may even be working at pre marriage levels when the world was my oyster and I was working for me. I used to enjoy my work a lot and some days I see that happening again. So, that is exciting.

Also, D's chamber choir made it to the semi finals in a local radio Christmas contest and D was on the radio singing this morning with the choir. I was moved to tears when they came on the radio this morning.  I was so happy for her and she is so excited. Such a good day. 

S has started playing town rec ball this week. With all of the hard work he has put in the last year he is the star of the team scoring 20 points in the opening game and being benched in the 4th Quarter for showing off (still things to learn). I can remember back a year ago when he made his first travel team and he was terrified in the minutes before the opening game. He looked like a pile of shaky jello anda deer in the headlights on the court.  I cried through the whole first quarter at this year's opening game I was so proud of how far he has come.

And there is LB, you know the one I had to fight for three weeks with my lawyer because he wouldn't agree to let him play on the team that took us to the Nationals this summer, standing as close as he can to S, slapping him on the back and chatting up the coach. Last night he is sending 10 messages because he wanted to do drop off AND pick up from practice.  What an a$$. I just sit quietly in the corner and watch my boy shine.       

I got the outside Christmas lights up and S's new backboard up. Fixed the freaking toilet once and for all. D thwarted a major horse escape when the horses at the farm busted through the she shed and escaped into the neighbors yard in the pouring rain, we went to see a play with friends and managed to pull off a successful church event that I envisioned and put together over three years ago in conjunction with the town tree lighting.  S's newfound super stardom has him swatting off the school skirts.... a repercussion I was NOT mentally prepared to deal with yet.  The kids and I are KILLING it. 

Although I fear I will never get the laundry caught up.....     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #43 on: December 04, 2018, 10:45:51 AM »
This whole post had me smiling ear to ear! Yes, my friend, you are killin it indeed.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #44 on: December 04, 2018, 12:27:10 PM »
O, yeah, girl, you are KILLIN’ it!
As for the flowers...  I have no words.  :o

Your kids are thriving.  You are one fantastic Mama Bear, DF.  There is nothing like our kids’ accomplishment to light up our hearts. 

I wish I could have heard your D’s choir sing.  I’m pretty keen on choral music.
If you have a link on YouTube, could you PM me if it is ok with you?  I would love to listen to it.  If you would rather not, I understand.  Privacy and all.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 12:28:18 PM by Acorn »
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Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #45 on: December 05, 2018, 03:58:18 AM »
As for S's Superstar status, he's at the age where it was bound to happen sooner or later...   What you need to worry about is when he STOPS swatting them away... <snort> which may not be too far away...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Tyks

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #46 on: December 05, 2018, 07:12:57 AM »


And there is LB, you know the one I had to fight for three weeks with my lawyer because he wouldn't agree to let him play on the team that took us to the Nationals this summer, standing as close as he can to S, slapping him on the back and chatting up the coach. Last night he is sending 10 messages because he wanted to do drop off AND pick up from practice.  What an a$$. I just sit quietly in the corner and watch my boy shine.       

     

This right here, sometimes that is all we can do and as all the veterans tell us - by being the bigger person or handling things with grace, we will eventually come out on top and we will thrive!!!
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline stayed

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #47 on: December 05, 2018, 07:23:39 AM »
LOL, laundry is never done!  Pi$$ on it... hehehe.  You sound fantastic!  Rock on!
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline Kanvan

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #48 on: December 05, 2018, 07:54:14 AM »
DF, I agree with Kit, pathetic about the flowers. They never seem to amaze me. You are doing great! Keep being the queen you are girl!!
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #49 on: December 05, 2018, 10:38:09 AM »
Thanks all!!

D's choir won the semi finals. Now onto the finals tomorrow.  Acorn, I sent you the link. 

S made the second cut for the school team. Whew!! Now onto the third round of basketball tryouts this afternoon.

Laundry has made no progress whatsoever. Add to that last nights dinner dishes undone in the kitchen sink.

     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Treasur

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #50 on: December 05, 2018, 10:48:06 AM »
Kids 100 Laundry 0 = definitely the right way round for Joy, I'd say   ;D
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #51 on: December 05, 2018, 10:51:15 AM »
I just had to reply about laundry and dishes ...the first time (after I felt better) i left dishes un done I felt bad but I got over it ....it's up to me and me alone when things get done ;D ;D

Offline in it

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #52 on: December 05, 2018, 11:22:35 AM »
That's right Rope.
That damn dirty dish fairy doesn't show up here either! ;D ;D
They get done when they get done.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #53 on: December 05, 2018, 09:29:30 PM »
Too bad I'm not close enough to take over laundry detail.  I'd be all over that!

Glad to hear that the horse escape was thwarted. 

You and the kids are killin' it, DF!  Keep up the good work. 

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #54 on: December 08, 2018, 08:35:41 PM »
Treasur, I keep trying to be grateful we have clothes to wear and a working washer and dryer even if all the clothes we own are dirty. I currently have the washer going with S’s basketball uniform for tomorrow morning. Trying to stay awake so I can get them in the dryer. A wet basketball uniform in the morning is not going to win me any points with S. Lol!

Rope and InIt, no laundry or dirty dish fairy comes with the gift of MLC that is for sure. So, it is either do it yourself or chase the kids around to do it. And this week has been so busy none of us has the time to bother with the running of the house.

SB if you lived closer you could go cheer on my S and D with me and we could laugh and the piles of laundry and dishes over a glass of wine.

So D’s choir came in third place and S made the school basketball team. And Momma is one tired lady. Spending the weekend trying to tidy up and get caught up with the Christmas shopping and wrapping and baking. I drug the kids off to be in the town Christmas parade on the church’s float. It was a rather freezing ordeal and I am happy to be back on the couch under a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate in hand.

I was reading another thread the other night before bed and that person was writing about being clear of the post MLC BD but feeling scattered and unfocused about what is next in life. I feel this way now too. I am very focused on the kids and where they are going and what they are doing. But as for myself, I feel set adrift with no real direction. I run from one thing to another but my life lacks focus and direction. I feel like I belong everywhere and nowhere all at the same time and I realize I need to begin to focus myself with intention. My new life is not going to just magically appear, it is going to take conscious effort.

In the meantime, LB has given me the gift of a new unforgivable. For quite a few months it has been growing apparent that S needs to start shaving. I have been holding off hoping that LB would step up and take the lead. He spent a whole week with LB and xFIL this summer. I was hoping that one of them would take that time to broach the subject with S  because, quite frankly, I know nothing about this topic. But nope... and S has been the object of some teasing by his team mates and a comment to me from the coach... so today I took S out to look at razors and shaving cream and we googled how to shave together. My heart hurts for him that not one male family member has come forward to offer him a lesson and that his father is such a total POS. I stood there watching him take his first few strokes with the razor and I decided that this yet one more unforgivable LB has handed me. He missed it... totally missed. His loss.

In the meantime, my lawyer has finally secured an Order for the division of the retirement accounts. Only a few more strings left before I am finally financially free from LB. But  Where do I go from here?
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #55 on: December 09, 2018, 05:18:57 AM »
Just went to drop some mail in XMIL’s mailbox in the early morning hours to avoid running into anyone. LB’s car in not in the driveway. So either he went to work really early on a Sunday morning or he slept somewhere else last night.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #56 on: December 09, 2018, 05:50:53 AM »
I'm gonna go with the slept somewhere else option based on what I've read about a MLC.

Also, sorry that you had to yet again be both mom and dad with the shaving experience.  I have two sons and I remember hitting that milestone.  Trust me when I tell you that one day your S will remind you of that first time and you'll get tears in your eyes.  I speak from experience, my friend. 

I think you'll find, DF, that there are many of us that don't know what is next in life and rather feel like we're living in limboland.  It's going to take conscious effort and we get there when we get there. 

Congratulations to you and your kids for the successes of the week - you guys are awesome! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #57 on: December 09, 2018, 08:31:50 PM »
Thanks SB.

I must confess to a small misdeed today. I got a long convoluted coparenting message from LB tonight about Christmas Eve dinner with the outlaws, Christmas Day and basketball. The whole message was... well, a veiled attempt to tell me nothing while appearing to be informative ... most of the info he was not telling me has been communicated to me by the kids already through xMIL.  Snort.

So, I didn’t abide by the rule of 3 and I fired off a reply. I basically told LB that all of the information he was not disclosing to me has already been communicated to me weeks ago. I find this utterly amusing as, based on prior MLC interactions, he HATES when I communicate with his family. He will be stewing about who on team LB is still communicating with me behind his back which is really nobody... xMIL told the kids who then told me all the Christmas plans plus I talk to nephew at the grocery store every week who tells me everything. Ha!

It is so stupid... not telling the mother of your kids what the holiday plans are because... because... um... well,  I can’t even think of a reason.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2018, 08:33:22 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #58 on: December 10, 2018, 05:57:16 AM »
It is utterly amazing to me how childish they are. And LB takes the cake! He is literally acting like a petulant pre-teen. My H will not say 1 word about the holidays until the day before. Most likely in passing. He doesn’t want anything to do with the holidays so I just make all the plans. And never volunteer the info bc I know deep down it does bother him. Grow up already!

The shaving thing breaks my heart. Yes a missed opportunity for LB. And though it started off rocky, it did end up being a mother son bonding moment that both of you will always remember and hold dear. I’ve resolved that I will no longer have any expectations when it comes to parenting by my H. They are just not capable. It’s sad. And they’ll regret it. But there’s nothing we can do for them.

You relayed a story to me on my thread—about your S being  left alone at night by LB. I remember when that happened and I thought about it the night mine did the same. I think the bottom line is that they are just utterly incapable of being responsible adults. I read something on HBs site about not entrusting them with any childcare responsibility at all. I thought that was a little extreme but now I’m thinking she has a point. I’m thinking I’ll treat H like a 13 year old babysitter next time.

The holidays are hard enough without adding in their nonsense. I’ll be interested  see how LB responds to your email. Lol. I’m sure he thought he made a lot of sense. 🙄
« Last Edit: December 10, 2018, 05:58:39 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #59 on: December 10, 2018, 06:47:24 AM »
Maybe a 13 year old babysitter with a distracting phone addiction? Or knows nothing about kids?   ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #60 on: December 10, 2018, 11:17:25 AM »
LB is in full pre-teen tantrum mode. I got an e-mail from my lawyer this morning with a copy of an email LB sent to the accountant regarding the holdup of the division of the retirement accounts and blaming me (my ex-wife) for not making the requirement payment as the reason for the holdup. Um no... I made the payment in AUGUST. The hold up is on his end. The proposed Order has been sent to HIS people three times with NO response. 

Perhaps a fit triggered by the car insurance bill I left in his mother's mail pile Sunday morning with notes regarding him not paying a cent for D's car insurance and asking him to pay the portion of the bill for the car he currently drives by the due date. Once the retirement accounts are divided, and he pays me for the car he is driving, which is in my name, I can turn the title over to him. 

I know he is buggin for that new car I would never let him have. I know he wants me to stop putting information in his parent's mailbox that shows he is not holding up his end of the parenting duties. I can hear him ranting about what a evil ex wifey I am still not letting him have what he deserves.       

The CPA told him he had to communicate with them through his attorney. You know, the one he won't pay and thinks he is an a$$. So, I wrote back to my attorney - hey, now that LB's attorney is back in play can we get the Deed for the house addressed.  My lawyers reply was priceless - what is his excuse for not signing the Deed? Oh, he hasn't given me one, he just doesn't sign it. 

My guess is he is using me as an excuse so he can keep mooching off his parents (evil ex-wife won't refinance the house and my credit is all messed up - poor LB) and he doesn't want me to own the house outright as I could sell the house and move with the kids (no more control).
 
I think his parents are are pushing him to get out, grow up and be responsible. He won't respond to my reply message KIT. He is going to be too busy trying to find the leak. And nobody is going to fess up because I have told him I have information I don't really have and the info I do have is coming in to me through his own kids. What is he going to do about that? Tell his parents they can talk to the kids now?   

Once the retirement accounts are divided and the Deed is in my name he is OUT OF EXCUSES. 
« Last Edit: December 10, 2018, 11:19:29 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Milly

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #61 on: December 10, 2018, 11:33:10 AM »
DF, I'm sorry your S didn't have his dad to help him with his first shaving experience, but his mom was! And your S knew he could count on you. Yes, it would be nice to have two good parents, but it's still great to have one awesome one! He'll never forget this.

The legal stuff is such script. You H not having the guts to communicate Christmas details, such script. Your H leaving S alone, such script. I hope that gives you comfort in a twisted way. My H also left S then 11 on his own. I think they're pressured by OW, and too scared to not obey them.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #62 on: December 10, 2018, 02:34:02 PM »
Dumbfounded
   I know it had to hurt your son ,but I'm so sure he will remember his mom stepping up . Not sure I would want my xh to have a razor ,he has obviously forgot how to use one ::) ::)
    My xh remarried his other woman,and yes they are a pushy little bunch
  Xh was late on alimony payment so I sent text told him not acceptable and I was contacting my lawyer for direct deposit payments ..something I should have insisted on.... hind sight here

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #63 on: December 11, 2018, 08:49:49 PM »
Tomorrow is LB’s grandmother’s birthday. I sent a fruit arrangement from me and the kids. BFF gave me a long lecture about not letting the actions of others change who I am. Her suggestion was to just do what I have always done in the past. So, the kids suggested a fruit basket and that is what I sent. I have always been a person who acknowledges birthdays of family members and they are still family to my kids ... and still sign my birthday cards as family members. So poo on LB.

He sent a message tonight inviting the kids to cake and ice cream tomorrow for “my grandmother”. This is his new trend “my” parents, grandmother, kids, car, time, etc. Mine, mine, mine. Actually, she is also the grandmother of our kids and she signed my birthday card “Grandmom” so poo on you again LB.

D has pitched a fit about going. I encouraged her to make an appearance but she has decided that she wants nothing more to do with “those people” except nephew. She says it is just an opportunity to be present for the rest of the family so they look like they have a relationship with her. Can’t really argue with her logic. So I just said to do whatever she feels is best but we sent a fruit basket.

I hope LB has to sit there and look at the fruit basket the whole evening. Snort.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #64 on: December 19, 2018, 05:43:21 AM »
So... S has basketball practice on Friday from 8:30 to 9:45. Friday is LB’s night... his only night with the kids. I get a message today that LB has another “obligation” Friday night and can drop S off but can’t pick him up. Huh? LB’s other obligation doesn’t start until after 8:30 at night?? That seems odd to me. Thus, a little monkey brain today. What kind of “obligation” starts after 8:30??
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #65 on: December 19, 2018, 05:56:41 AM »
So... S has basketball practice on Friday from 8:30 to 9:45. Friday is LB’s night... his only night with the kids. I get a message today that LB has another “obligation” Friday night and can drop S off but can’t pick him up. Huh? LB’s other obligation doesn’t start until after 8:30 at night?? That seems odd to me. Thus, a little monkey brain today. What kind of “obligation” starts after 8:30??
An obligation with Hanky?
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #66 on: December 19, 2018, 06:00:47 AM »
Why can't you simply say sorry, it is your night and we both need to stick to our agreement. I'm sure you'd find it annoying if I didn't stick to mine so I assume you will adapt your schedule for Friday to pick him up as I have other plans which can't be changed. (While quietly thinking oh grow the F up or borrow some adult from a friend....)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #67 on: December 19, 2018, 06:09:20 AM »
I just don’t get why they continue to lie. My H has many of the “night-meetings” too. Like anytime I ask him to watch our S pretty much. So I’ve stopped asking. Love how LB just assumes you are able to cover it. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be able to rely on someone else. It is overwhelming sometimes when we realize it is all on us. But hey, better us than them. And ultimately they are the ones missing everything.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #68 on: December 19, 2018, 10:40:21 AM »
UM, I was being kind and trying to think of things that might be considered normal "obligations" that could occur after 8:30 p.m. a Friday night. Like... maybe he has to pick up a relative from the airport.  But, alas, I think your GIF might be more in line with the truth considering his long ago discovered find a firetrucking friend account that he accidentally linked to my checking account. Or perhaps a late night drug run with his BFF drug dealer friend. But I am assuming things and I shouldn't... it never leads to a good place... so shrug and whatever.

Treasur, technically there is no custody agreement or arrangement between us. After ignoring us for almost a year, he filed for divorce while the kids and I were at my brother's in another state and sued me for full custody of the kids which I fought with my whole being. He eventually dropped the fully custody when I gave in on other financial things and it became apparent that no judge would give him custody of kids he had ignored for a whole year.  Plus, I figured I could rebuild anything but custody of my kids. So, we have some shared holidays in the Order and I agreed to never prevent the kids from seeing him but that is it. On occasion, he has threatened to file for change of custody. He comes and goes... sometimes he is reliable for drop off and pick up and sometimes he will take the kids out for a couple hours for dinner or a movie and sometimes he is is just MIA. I worry when they are out with him... I am concerned he has an addiction issue or a mental health issue. The kids have reported being afraid of his driving.  And so when he bails I just pick it up on my end without a word.  Because words have gotten me nowhere with him and his erratic parenting ensures the kids stay with me should he ever actually challenge the existing custody Order.

I made a promise to my kids after BD that I will always come and pick them up anywhere and at any time they need me and that I will never, ever leave them. I can't even imagine poor S standing out there in the dead of night with no ride in front of his peers and his coach because I was trying to make a point to his daft father.         

KIT, of course I can cover it because where in God's name would I be at 9:45 on a Friday night.         
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #69 on: December 23, 2018, 08:05:12 PM »
So apparently LB’s “obligation” Friday night was dinner and a movie night with MOO2 and her kids at MIL’s house. D was included but S was dumped at basketball practice. I picked S up at 10:00 and when I got home D was home and both kids were in a sour mood. They ended up having a fist fight over the tv remote and D burst into tears and told S he ruined dinner. My heart is so broken for them and so angry that their father would make the choice to put them in this awful position where their time with him is marred by this horrid, selfish, evil woman. I don’t understand why a parent would do this to their own child.

After Friday, LB has vanished. He, MIL and MOO2 were all no shows at the church Christmas pageant today. (No complaint from me there) There has been no communications whatsoever from dysfunction junction about Christmas - which is tomorrow by the way. 

I spent yesterday in a funk of missing what I thought my life was supposed to be - and being bitter that I have put together yet another Christmas by myself, something that I never wanted and don’t even have another person to show all my hard work to.

This morning I got up and just tried to be proud of my dang self. Fire truck you LB and MOO2. I am kicking Christmas butt here. Tree up, cookies baked, presents bought and wrapped, Santa socks on, glass of wine in hand watching Christmas movies with the kids. My friend tells me MOO2 is posting I am overwhelmed and need 5 shots of tequila posts on Fakebook. Snort.

Chin up everyone, it is almost over.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #70 on: December 25, 2018, 10:02:05 AM »
The kids just left for xMILs house for Christmas gift giving there for a few hours. I sent them with a small gift for everyone. I even sent a bottle of wine for xBIL’s trashy GF. The kids say they are not staying for dinner there but are heading to my Mom’s house for dinner. I have to say that of all the horrible things MLC has brought... not having to endure holidays at the in-laws is a total gift of peace and quiet. Time for a shower, a little clean up, bake a pie and a nice sit down before heading over to my Moms. Glorious!! 

Having to sit through church with MOO2 sitting with her H or xH or whatever he is and their kids... well, that is quite nauseating and I was quite glad when Christmas Eve serivce was over. She is a psychopath nutcase and it makes me quite ill the number of people she has fooled with her games. My sister was telling me she thinks she took LB to an out of state wedding for one of her cousins recently but there she sits in church looking like a family. Barf!!

Oh well, it really doesn’t concern me anymore I guess so off for a shower and to put the pie in the oven.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #71 on: December 25, 2018, 10:11:26 AM »
Merry Christmas and a Happy NOMOO2 New Year to you too!
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #72 on: December 25, 2018, 08:46:09 PM »
Merry Christmas to you DF. I hope you had a lovely day!

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #73 on: December 26, 2018, 09:19:19 AM »
What the actual fire truck? Moo2 took LB to a wedding then dits in church with her H and kids? Does she have some kind of special dispensation with God when it comes to adultery?

You took the high road DF. Like you always do. Bc you my dear, are the queen! And your lovely peace-filled Christmas with your family is just a little taste of the wonderful  things in store for you.

Hugs friend. Merry Christmas! If I can make it outside on one of your cold east coast days, we will definitely have to plan to meet up. That would be so much fun!!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #74 on: December 26, 2018, 11:07:39 AM »
Thanks UM and RT!!

KIT I swear to you I can't make this stuff up!! My sister sat there with her mouth hanging open in church.  I think MOO2 thinks she can outsmart everyone and gaslight her way into heaven. She is smarter than God himself you know. I have to admit that it is quite a smokescreen she has going on ... but she has had quite a few slips this past year and the facade is cracking and people are starting to tilt their heads in bewilderment. 

On the flip side, LB and his toxic family were running quite a show yesterday. A few hours after the kids left I got several co-parenting messages adding calender dates... this has never happened before so I log in to find an entry for S to go to a basketball game that is 8 days long. He is going to a basketball game for 8 days?? Well, I guess the game is on one of the 8 days. I log onto the official website and see they only have one home game during those eight days so I mark that in my book as the date. Then another date pops up for another basketball game for D and S. Hmmmmm... D hates basketball. That must be going over like a lead balloon. Finally, a third date for S for a hockey game 3 hours away. S hates hockey. Not quite the broadway show D had asked for from H.  What an idiot.         

I was all showered and dressed and waiting for the pie to come out of the oven when D texted to see if I had left home yet. Nope... waiting on pie... got stuck watching stupid Hallmark Christmas movie... running late.  D said ... we are leaving wait for us.  Ummmmm....ok.  5 minutes later S come banging through the front door looking like he wants to punch someone.... no D. I ask if everything is ok and S grunts.  I go out to the driveway and D is throwing things on the front lawn. So, I grab the next box out of her back seat and chuck it on the lawn. She stares at me in bewilderment and I say oh, I thought this is what we were doing.  She shrugs and throws out the next box... S comes out and grabs a box of what appears to be Nike apparel off the lawn and carries it inside ... not a word.  I tell D that from the things scattered on the front lawn it looks like they got some nice stuff for Christmas. She grunts.

S comes back and we gather up the stuff and carry it inside. I notice as we are gathering up things there are items that my family had claimed for D as Christmas presents months ago. Oh joy... they didn't abide by any of the cross outs on her list that I sent over with the kids. No duplicates for S. I shrug and decide that perhaps the families have communicated without involving me and worked it out. 

We get everything inside and the yelling starts... S is complaining that xMIL's house is hot as hades and he almost died there and D is venting that everyone is mad at them because they weren't staying for dinner and they got Sh!T@ because they were leaving... that xBIL and trashy GF didn't even bother to come over but dropped their presents off earlier in the week. D is screaming we never eat Christmas dinner with xMIL... the food is terrible... why would we eat bad food this year.... I am telling her that there were no plans for them to eat dinner there, that we never eat dinner there... they had Christmas Eve dinner with xMIL as usual... it is all ok. Then she starts telling me that nephew came 1 1/2 hours late to Christmas Eve dinner with some "girlfriend" and that xMIL, xFIL and Grandmom left Christmas Eve dinner early and came home to watch the Wizard of Oz.  I tell you the madness of it all gave me a headache.   

I tell her that I am heading out and she can come later if she wants... no, she wants to go to Grandmoms. Sigh. We all head over to my Moms where she unwraps duplicate presents and breaks down into tears. I don't know if they did it on purpose. I know she is not playing by the rules and it would appear that she is being punished for it as S did not received any duplicate presents. My sister says it is a warning shot for her to get in line or be cut off.

I told D there was probably just some confusion and we could sort it out... but they personalized some of the duplicates which means they can't be returned now I am guessing. I hope that ruining D's day made them all feel better about themselves.  Screwed up people.

Tonight the kids and I are off to have Chinese takeout with a RL LBS who endured her oldest daughter hosting Christmas dinner for her H and his OW and her 2  siblings while the LBS and her two youngest kids were home alone. Wow! Just Wow!     

         

         
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #75 on: December 26, 2018, 11:23:20 AM »

Tonight the kids and I are off to have Chinese takeout with a RL LBS who endured her oldest daughter hosting Christmas dinner for her H and his OW and her 2  siblings while the LBS and her two youngest kids were home alone. Wow! Just Wow!     
       

Oh my gosh.....that is so sad!  You just boost that gal's morale, DF, and tell her she'll get through this nightmare too. 

Sorry that D's gifts had to turn into such a debacle.   What a mess.  I'm just glad another holiday season is almost over.  New Year's Day (BD day) to get through and then I plan to sail into 2019 with gusto.   

Been thinking about your word for the year?  I do think I'm going to choose contentment.  That's where I'm headed and I'm not giving up until I get there. 

You've got this, buddy! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #76 on: December 26, 2018, 11:31:55 AM »
Disfunction reigns.  Your ex in-laws must have some bug going around that renders them incapable of excercising common sense.  So much drama.  I’m glad you were spare of that.  Your kids need one sane adult in their lives. 

I hope cooling down (literally and figuratively) at home would help heal their raw nerves, especially your D.

Wishing you a bucket load of sanity in 2019.

Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #77 on: December 26, 2018, 11:54:52 AM »
Good to hear from you SB!! I am ready for the holidays to be over too. They seem to bring out the extra crazy in people and I have enough on my plate with the normal, everyday crazy.

I have been thinking a lot about my word for 2019. I learned so much from 2018's word - selfish.  I learned a lot about self care and what I need and don't need to be a better person. That word gave me permission to try new things and be selfish with my time, talents and growth. When I got overwhelmed by life I went back to my word to ground me and figure out what I needed - no apologies to anyone.  In the end, I learned that when you take better care of yourself  - physically, mentally and spiritually - your cup starts to overflow and you are better able to take care of others with a full cup.

So, I am taking a little selfish with me into 2019 but I feel stronger and am truly ready for a new word. I am still a healing work in progress.  There are still broken, sad parts of me that still need work. But part of me wants to jump into a big word like passion or gratitude or joy - but I don't think I am there yet. There are a lot of things I need to do, still some hard work to finish up the divorce ahead in 2019. A bunch of stuff I have started and I am still in the beginning when the excitement is high.  But I know, once the excitement of my new projects wane, as they always do, I will have to push through the "hard" to get to any real success.  And so I have been asking myself recently - do I have what it takes to push through when the journey I started gets difficult, when the top of the mountain seems too far away.   

So, I have been trying out the word "determination" today and I am liking the way it feels. A little bit of selfish, a lot of determination for 2019 might just be the ticket. A good grounding word to keep me on track and moving forward.                 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #78 on: December 26, 2018, 01:43:03 PM »
Following along DF and as always motivated by how you handle things, you are doing a great job of keeping away from the crazy in all its forms. I like the word determination. I am now thinking of what my 2019 word will be. Take care, PG x

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #79 on: December 28, 2018, 12:18:20 PM »
Welcome aboard Philly. I am glad to have you here on my thread given all that you have going on in your own MLC world.

Acorn - bucket load of sanity in 2019 would be amazing. 

Venting.... because LB is having a super tantrum because Christmas didn't go as planned I guess - mostly because he failed to plan and communicate and that somehow makes me the evil ex -wife.  :-\   

Anyhoo, he deleted the 8 day long basketball game event from the co-parenting app - but didn't re-enter anything so not sure if the basketball game is still on or not. Then sent me a message THIS MORNING that he has another "obligation" tonight and can't deal with the kids tonight.  I did have a heads up from nephew a week ago that his Dad's (xBIL) retirement party was tonight. But I was kind of thinking that the kids would get invited. So nope. I got a snarky text from D saying that Dad can't have dinner tonight because of BIL's "retirement party or something."  D is now planning a sleepover at the house and I get to drag S around to basketball practice tonight in the pouring rain. Yep - I am annoyed. He keeps choosing other people, felons, druggies, alcoholics, deranged lunatics, over his own beautiful kids and it annoys me.

But I rallied and planned breakfast with a couple high school girlfriends who are in town for the holidays - and mimosas are on the menu before a weekend of Christmas Basketball tournaments with LB begins. 

On funny note, I learned by accident that, my family (not the kids - or in front of me or the kids) now refer to LB as "the turd".  This is your legacy LB - you are known by a whole group of well educated, kind people as "the turd". Nice.

   

 

 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #80 on: December 29, 2018, 05:50:31 AM »
I think the name “turd” is too kind. My fam has a few choice names  for my H too.

Yep choosing Anyone and everyone else over their kids seems to be the MO for many a Mlcer. Sad for them bc they truly are the ones missing out. But infuriating for us bc we know we are always the backup plan in case Mlcer cancels, which is 90% of the time. My H doeesnt even bother anymore. Seems perfectly fine with seeing his S 5 minutes weekdays during school. And then at lax practice, which he coaches. I wonder what goes through their heads tho. Mine says he misses our S. But I find that really hard to believe. The urge to run from any and all reminders of their past is just too great I guess. I just hate that the kids are basically an afterthought. And if the Mlcer has nothing else going on, then they can do something with their child.

I like your new word. I feel like you’ve definitely had a good deal of that this past year, so I can only imagine the awesomeness this year has in store for you my friend! Enjoy your girls and mimosas! Nothing like good friends, good food and champs to excercise that good ole self care that every lbs deserves! Cheers.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #81 on: December 29, 2018, 05:59:36 AM »
It is definitely frustrating how they choose every activity over parenting. And have no consideration that you too may have plans. That is always bizarre to me. Sorry you ended up having to cart S all around.

I like the word determination. I do think it’s a good mantra for the new year!

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #82 on: December 29, 2018, 10:37:26 AM »
So LB hasn’t showed up for S’s basketball tournament today. This is odd because he previously sent me a message saying he was hoping I didn’t plan to object to the tournament - which I didn’t and never have so not sure what that message was all about except that he was fishing for plans. But now he is a no show - and S is moping around - so I guess S doesn’t know either. Perhaps he is still pouting, too hungover from his “obligation” last night, sick, still choosing other people over his kids??

I guess time will tell.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #83 on: December 29, 2018, 11:21:36 AM »
Oh no. I hope he shows - that would be so disappointing for S.
Hang in there DF!

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #84 on: December 29, 2018, 11:58:16 AM »
Selfish jerk. Makes me so angry! 😡
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #85 on: December 30, 2018, 10:08:14 AM »
Well, he is back for today’s basketball tournament with xMIL and FIL in tow. The word at church was that MOO2 is home sick and her father was looking in on her.  Yesterday was so lovely without all the tension. No such luck today but S is happy in a confused kind of way.

D tells me that H invited them to a “football party” tonight at toxic friend’s house. D says she is not going and S is undecided telling me football is not really his sport but he might go.

Another day in MLC land.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #86 on: December 31, 2018, 05:17:29 AM »
DF, I’m telling you, there are so many disfunction junctions around you.  The inlawas, LB, OW and her family.  It must be exhausting to be in such stellar company.  Not!  You are a strong woman, DF, to be able to keep your wits about you and look after your cubs in such a devoted and loving manner and, at the same time, you manage to look after yourself whenever you can.

I have some choice words that are not as kind as ‘Turd’ but I won’t share them in public.  I might get booted out of here!

You take a good care of yourself, DF, and may 2019 bring you much reduced encounters with the disfunctional.  That would make it easier for you to sustain your sanity.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #87 on: January 04, 2019, 10:56:44 PM »
Catching up on your thread DF.  I'm wondering if you have your word yet for 2019?  Happy New Year!  Yes, lots of dysfunction going on over in MLCer's land.  Stay as clear of it as you can!
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #88 on: January 07, 2019, 11:18:56 AM »
Hey FW!!  So lovely to see you here.

I did finally pick a word for 2019 and it was - INTENTION. I tried a few words but they were either too positive (not there yet) or to rigid. I have been reading and listening to a bunch of podcasts by a life coach and he keeps hammering away at being intentional with your thoughts and actions. And that seemed a good fit for where I am on this journey right now.  I feel like I have lost so much of myself in all of this and I am just beginning to rebuild after spending the last two years sorting through the rubble. I want to be very intentional about what and how I rebuild so that my life is all me... no more building my life to suit other people.  No more compromise to make other people happy. So I wake up every day now and I try to be very intentional about who I want to be each day  - what do I want to project to the world, my family, my co-workers. Who do I want to be today and in the future? I am working very hard to be that person.

What I have learned is that I lack serious clarity and that my first task is working on that clarity. I am assured that once I bring more clarity into my life that the other things that are a hot mess in my life will also improve. Clarity is no small task. Especially for me who has been so lost... so focused on others her whole life. I get up every day and pick three words that represent who I want to show up that day. I keep reviewing my words throughout the day to see if I am being that person. Today's words are positive, kind and prepared.  I am FINALLY taking time for me...  to live with intention every day.. to show up as the person I want to be. No small task.

My GF sent me a text this morning that said I saw this and thought of you ... it was a the following saying

"A woman is unstoppable after she realizes she deserves better."

And I thought... WOW, she thought of me when she read this?!?  That is seriously cool.  It is not just LB and MOO2 watching... the whole world is watching and waiting to see what I do.  I don't feel unstoppable today... I am staring down a mountain of work, 4 basketball practices and 6 basketball games this week, a sink full of dishes and I am sure the laundry is plotting a coup having had to locate a gym uniform at 6:00 am this morning.

LB, MOO2 and the outlaws are all sick missing work, church, flights back to NC and hair appointments. LB apparently stayed home from work Friday and showed up at S's first school basketball game mid day demanding that S go home with him instead of taking the bus home with his teammates.  No notice to me that he was picking S up.  S texted me asking me what to do.  Sigh.  He abandoned them for 2 years - wanted nothing to do with them - and now he is showing up in the middle of the school day demanding S go with him in front of his friends.   

Of course, there are 4 practices and 6 games this week on the schedule and no offers yet from LB to help with pick up or drop off. 

According to my hairdresser, the outlaws are headed back to NC as soon as they are well enough. I expect that LB will disappear again once they are gone.                   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #89 on: January 07, 2019, 11:39:03 AM »
Hello,

I really like the word intentional. In fact, my theme for this year is intentional and deliberate.

In other words to really reflect on my actions and plans to be deliberate in what I am going to do for the upcoming year. I have a professional goal, a financial goal, a social goal, and physical goal and I really want to work hard to align my actions towards meeting my life goals for 2019.

I did the same thing for 2018 and I had an amazing year.

I wish you and your family the very best for 2019. Maybe LB will stop leaking, LOL. You never know.

(((hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #90 on: January 07, 2019, 12:45:14 PM »
Hey DF, loving your new word and your approach to where you are with everything at the moment. Your friend's quote is spot on, unstoppable, taking time for you - fantastic start to the year! Take care, PG xxx

Offline heroIam

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #91 on: January 08, 2019, 08:01:29 AM »
Hey DF!
Been a long while!

I love your new word!  It's perfect. 
Here's another quote I really like:  Sometimes the only closure you will have is knowing that you deserve better.

And, I do wonder as Philigirl does.  If LB will stop leaking!   :D 
AT some point, the patch work and duct tape either runs out or doesn't work anymore! 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #92 on: January 08, 2019, 11:26:21 AM »
Ready, welcome aboard!! I don't think there is any chance LB will stop leaking anytime soon.  LOL!

I think if anything that the leaking has increased at dysfunction junction. There doesn't ever appear to be enough buckets to keep the ship bailed out over there. 

Hero and Philly - always glad to see you.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #93 on: January 08, 2019, 09:50:25 PM »
Love your word, DF.  I chose the same thing in 2017 and it was a very good thing.  That was when MLCer was running around with his new GF, traveling and being all crazy.  Having that word helped me to choose positives each day.  I also had the opportunity to anonymously help some people out, and pay it forward so to speak. 

I have a saying on my bathroom wall about living life with intention.  I always see it after I get out of the shower and it makes me smile.   :)
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #94 on: January 09, 2019, 07:59:13 AM »
Great word DF. And it suits you. You have been such a pillar of strength in all this. Shifting over to live with intention seems to be the natural progression.

Still leaking—well of course. Lots of issues to not address. Lol.  But I do believe they get to a point where they can no longer hide from it all. Takes much time. But I’ve always maintained that for those of us who once upon a time married kind, decent, loving people, who seemingly changed to selfish, lying, cheating abandoners overnight, there is hope they will get through the process someday. Where we will be then? Who knows. Guess it is wherever you intend to go.

Also that quote? So awesome. I love it. And that suits you too!

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #95 on: January 09, 2019, 10:54:09 AM »
Hello FW and KIT!!

FW, would you care to share the saying from your wall? I would love to have a motivational saying to go with my word.

KIT, I would have thought LB would have noticed he has run out of places to hide by now but he just keeps sticking his head in the sand oblivious to the fact that his butt is still showing for all the world to see.

Otherwise... it is status quo here.     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #96 on: January 09, 2019, 12:25:38 PM »
Hi DF! I also love your word for 2019. Several years ago, another LBS and I chose "I Matter" as our mantra for the coming year. It is amazing how when you focus on a word or mantra, that it manifests itself and becomes real.

And you have really been showing your hutzpah! You are making incredible strides. I guffawed when I saw that your family refers to your xH as "the turd". How apropos.

Keep going strong. I do believe that you are unstoppable.
trying2bok

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #97 on: January 10, 2019, 09:23:24 PM »
FW, would you care to share the saying from your wall? I would love to have a motivational saying to go with my word.   

Of course, DF.

This is it:
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #98 on: January 11, 2019, 10:00:45 AM »
Thanks for your support Learning. I always smile when I see your name because you got me through some very dark post BD days. So my success is your success too. He really is a "turd" - I am glad I am not married to him anymore.

Thanks FW. I love it!! A saying for my word!!

Not much has changed here. S had 6 basketball games this week and 4 practices. We have been eating on the run all week and LB, a/k/a the turd has been mostly silent and absent. He picked up S Monday from practice on 2 hours notice and showed up at Wednesday's away game near his office.  I got a message that he was busy yesterday and couldn't pick up or drop off.  Whatever. The house is a wreck and we are all exhausted but I am sure, if time permits, LB will drag the kids out to eat with MOO2 tonight.  I am going to the gym tonight and then I am going home to sleep for 10 hours.

Happy weekend everyone!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #99 on: January 12, 2019, 06:07:27 AM »
DF, hope you had a good session at the gym. I try to go at least 4x per week. I always feel better after a workout. Although, going out in the cold and the dark is not fun. I am always glad that I push myself to do it.

I remember the days of hauling my kids to and from practices and games. Sometimes they were changing uniforms in the car to go to the next event. What a whirlwind.

And thanks for the kind words for my support. I only pay it forward. So many on here got me thru some really awful times.
trying2bok

Offline Milly

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #100 on: January 12, 2019, 04:24:45 PM »
DF, so good of you to keep going to the gym. I really want to join a gym this year.

Good luck to your S with his basketball this season. You are such a great support to him. It is a sacrifice, although one we wouldn't give up, and a sporty child has no chance without a strong adult at their side. He is very lucky to have you and he knows it.

Hope you have a wonderful beauty sleep and enjoy your Sunday.xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #101 on: January 12, 2019, 06:39:05 PM »
Hi!

Your son will remember this and your commitment to him will build a solid relationship for the future.

I feel sorry for the turd. He is going to wake up to find his son a grown man and is going to realize he missed a special time in his life and will never get it back.

Keep going strong and enjoy your weekend.


(((Hugs))))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #102 on: January 12, 2019, 07:23:19 PM »
You just keep up with those kids DF, and leave the house to survive on its own.  It will, you know! 

Enjoy some sleep and know that I continue to marvel at your endurance, my friend. 

I ran a 5K at the gym today.  First 5K of 2019 in April so it's time to get my fighting shape back! 

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #103 on: January 12, 2019, 08:29:02 PM »
Before you all marvel at my gym time, I got a text right before I left work from a real life LBS who wanted to know if I was up for a sushi date. Oh heck yeah!! So I ditched the gym and spent 3 hours eating sushi and listening to her vent. She is in a good place but it is hard. Her husband sent her a text out of the blue telling her she had ruined his reputation.  ::) Um no... did that all by himself. Nearly laughed myself out of the booth. And so we called the men we married turds and went on to talk about other stuff.

LB showed up to S’s basketball game with toxic friend tonight. He was in rare form with a new shirt on that said “Dilly Dilly”. Now I get it but due to the size of the shirt the words are really big so.. I don’t know I just think he looked ridiculous. But anyway he almost fell down the bleachers and he was quite loud yelling at S during the game. I had D with me who didn’t even wave at him. Afterward, In the  parking lot LB came up to her and got in her face and said something.  I couldn’t hear the words as I was a few steps behind her but I didn’t like his tone or how he was right up against her. It only lasted for a moment and then LB walked off and I wondered if he was drunk. If he had come that close to me and spoke to me in that tone I would have made a spectacle of him and if it had lasted long enough for me to close the gap between me and D I would have torn him apart. D said nothing to me about it - and I let it go. But that is not how you treat a lady. Tuck it in boy, your crazy it showing.

It is just so odd. Never in the 20 years we were together did he ever act in that kind of hostile manner towards me. I took me aback. I have no idea who this man is. But I don’t like him and he is an angry person. .

I did get myself to the gym today and put together a nice pot of chicken tortellini soup for dinner.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #104 on: January 13, 2019, 07:19:22 AM »
Good morning,

About to go to the gym myself and ride a stationary bike for over an hour. Yuck!

Let's see you had a choice of sushi or gym. You chose sushi! You are clearly in your right mind.

LB chose to were a Dilly Dilly shirt and then get into it with his daughter after he abandoned her. Hmmm.....doesn't sound like a person in their right mind. Probably your daughter made him feel guilty. Guilt typically brings pain to the MLCer and they go into monster mode towards the person that makes them feel that way.

My ex used to have huge monster issues. She would hit the wall with her first and tell me, "See what you are making me do!" Cra Cra to the max.

Enjoy your day and your soup!

((((Ready))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #105 on: January 13, 2019, 12:26:37 PM »
Oh,  DF,  me thinks LB's car is about to take a steep nosedive off the tracks.   Dilly, Dilly, you say, and maybe the Bud to back it up??   Sounds par and appropriate for the state of MLC.  Falling from grace,  then falling down the bleachers.   Sounds like he's really living it up  ::) ::)

Show me your friends,  and I'll show you your future.   Maybe LB needs that little tidbit of insight.   His future sounds like it may be headed into nightmare territory.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #106 on: January 13, 2019, 02:44:48 PM »
Probably your daughter made him feel guilty. Guilt typically brings pain to the MLCer and they go into monster mode towards the person that makes them feel that way.

Spot on! 
Now that he was unpleasant to D, his guilt increases.  It is a vicious cycle until MLCer opens his/her eyes.  Your D is lucky that her mom has her crown on straight and is always there for her. 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #107 on: January 13, 2019, 03:22:05 PM »
Dilly Dilly. Oh good lord! Mine wears nothing but gym clothes and a backwards hat when not at work. They are teenagers clearly. I hate it that he got in Ds face tho. I agree—that is him feeling judged. It is as if they don’t realize these young people are in fact their own children!

I would always advocate sushi over the gym. Good for you!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #108 on: January 16, 2019, 06:27:12 AM »
The LB GIF....

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #109 on: January 16, 2019, 11:16:48 AM »
Hello Ready, Beyond, Acorn, KIT and UM!!

Guilt huh? Well, D doesn't take any BS from him. Christmas was a fiasco at dysfunction junction mostly because of him. So if he has any soul at all, which I doubt most days, there would be loads of guilt to go around respecting D.  My first reaction, and what was forming on my lips as I tried to close the gap between me and D, was that it made him feel like a bigger person to bully someone weaker than him. Pure bully move.

Monday was classic MLC brain fog. S had broken his braces in a basketball game at the end of last week. I called the orthodontist right away and got an evening appointment for Monday. I put it on the parenting calendar right away. Of course, the coach schedules practice for Monday night but broken braces trump practice.  LB sends me a parenting message at 5:00 Monday evening that he will pick S up from practice. I write back and tell him he has to go to the orthodontist - no practice for S.

The message back? "Thanks for letting me know." It has been on the parenting calendar for 4 days!!!!   No offer to take him to the orthodontist. No questions about WHY he has to go to the orthodontist.  AHHHHHHHHHHH! Useless, clueless manchild. 

Last night LB appeared at S's second basketball game after I spent 2 hours in a booth, at a diner, with S after game #1 trying to convince him that he was not the biggest basketball loser of all time.  LB has no parenting clue that S is struggling with the school team and a new position and fitting in and his first really, really tough coach. That he broke his chrome book at school in a fire drill, that his size 12 sneakers won't fit in his book bag and he can't wear them because of the blisters on his feet from hours of practice, that his locker won't fit his new, bigger basketball bag, his braces are broken and the inside of his mouth is cut up, that the rubber is coming off the bottom of his basketball sneakers, that his best friend is moving away at the end of February... he has no clue. He thinks he just shows up to watch the game and he is a great Dad.

Makes. Me. So. Mad. 

But LB sat as far away from me as he could get at the game last night. Perhaps he caught a glimpse of my face Saturday night in the parking lot. I do not have much of a poker face and I do not hesitate to draw my sword in defense of my children.... looks like he got my message and can add a lump of shame to his heaping of guilt.

                       



     
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #110 on: January 16, 2019, 11:23:32 AM »
Oh DF my heart just breaks for your sweet boy! These idiots are missing out on their own children’s lives. But more importantly our kids are missing their fathers. Who are in lalaland without a care in the world. It sucks big time and I totally understand the frustration bc there is literally nothing we can do about.  Except please know DF, that you, even all alone, are more than enough for your kids. It is exhausting and overwhelming yes. And we wish we had a partner in this ever so important endeavor. But thankfully our kids still have us. Hugs friend. You got this!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #111 on: January 16, 2019, 01:37:55 PM »
DF, I am just like you, leave my kids alone! I don't know who LB/turd thinks is going to take care of him in his old age, but it ain't gonna be his kids. They have very long black and white memories. Think of the song Cat's in the Cradle. He will rue the day that he was so mean and heartless towards them.

Hope your S got his braces fixed and will be ready to play ball. Remind him that few get to be spectacular athletes. It's going out and trying that will give him the knowledge he needs to be successful in life.
trying2bok

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #112 on: January 16, 2019, 03:32:01 PM »
Man, DF, your kid has some stuff on his plate for his young age.  Probably feels like the whole world is conspiring against him.  You just keep being the parent that he can turn to, the parent that gets it done. 

But make sure there is some time for DF amidst all that taking care of those lovelies.   You need to be good to you too! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #113 on: January 17, 2019, 08:33:41 PM »
So word on the street is that MOO2 took LB to her cousin’s wedding and they are now “dating”.  Several church members were in attendance at the wedding. Surprise!! It is a fairy tale romance I dare say.. they both survived marriages to horrible people and have now found true luv. How romantic!! Only, according to BFF, people who have been in the dark are now starting to put two and two together and making that face people make when they finally “get it”. I don’t think anybody is buying the we fell in love after we got divorced story. The more likely scenario is people now understand why I haven’t  spoken a word to MOO2 for three years.

BFF told me that someone asked her about it at a party last week who had heard from someone at the wedding. Then BFF told me that MOO2’s oldest brother told one of the youth leaders he would not communicate with his sister for any reason. So it is scandal round #2.

It stings a little. You would think after all this time it would be laughable .. but being the subject of a scandal that your H created.. still stings.

In the meantime, LB is emailing me about the new health plan at his work. I realized this is a pattern from our marriage .. he would do something stupid, I would get mad and the next day he would bring me something to show me what a great provider he was... so, I am mad because he did something stupid and now he is waving around healthcare coverage for the kids. Look at me I am a good person. Blah! I sent an email back “please provide the new insurance card”. Crickets.

Meanwhile he promised D he would take her to get her phone fixed this week and it is Thursday and he is MIA. What a giant Loser!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #114 on: January 17, 2019, 09:06:14 PM »
You sure you are not referring to a couple of highschool kids, DF? 
They think they can hoodwink everyone but people can see right through them.  People are not dumb.  The only dummies are themselves.  Attended a wedding together?  Of all things?  Do they see the irony?  🤮. I’m sorry but they really deserve each other.  Maybe I should be more charitable and say they suit each other.  Why don’t they just elope to Timbuktu?  Out of sight, out of mind, to some degree. 

DF, of course the news stings.  You’ve shared life for a long time.  And then there are your precious children who carry the DNA of the both of you.  On top of all that, you are forced to be at the same place because of BB games.  He is in your face often. Given the circumstances, it’s hard to erase him from your life and your mind. 

Go get some sushi, paint your toe nails, grab a glass of fabulous red and treat yourself.
If I lived close by I would come around with some home made maki rolls.  Smoked salmon, avocado and cucumber filling.  I’m a mean sushi maker.  Here is some virtual sushi. 🍱
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #115 on: January 18, 2019, 04:20:20 AM »
Omg—that is  truly nauseating! Oh they are so sly. Like Acorn says, so high school. And no, not fooling anyone. My H has attended a few weddings with his OW. He even officiated his sisters wedding, and brought OW there! While still married to me. I’m just now getting past the humiliation. It is hard though. And that “stinging” feeling is not only normal, but really the most legitimate reaction. You shared a life with this person. He and your childhood friend betrayed you in a most reprehensible way. I think it takes a while to get past that. As it should bc you are a kind and loving soul. LB is not a talker. But H has told me repeatedly how miserable he is. They all are—how can they not be? Ironic isn’t it? They blew up their lives, devastating us so they could find their happiness. It’ll catch up to them, if not already.

You’ve said it before. You’re in the midst of finding DF again. What a gift that is. And having the privilege of raising those 2 wonderful young humans? Well, you know you’re blessed. I understand being hurt by the actions of LB tho. That’ll take more time I think. I still smh every now and again in disbelief. I think a lot about that quote you shared before. About a woman who realizes she deserves better is unstoppable. DF, YOU, my friend, are unstoppable. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #116 on: January 18, 2019, 04:33:58 AM »
Kit is right you are unstoppable. I too felt embarrassed and humiliated by my x actions. I had a friend tell me I had nothing to be embarrassed or humiliated about. That I was only showing loyalty to my M I had to really think about this. I thought Any normal person would look at the situation and think what I would think ...... I would think the people that decided to betray their friend and wife were not people I would want to be associated with. In my opinion DF you were loyal and fought for your M. They look deceitful and dishonest. It’s hard to not feel embarrassed but the truth is you did nothing to be embarrassed about!!!
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #117 on: January 18, 2019, 04:35:42 AM »
And would that be THIS face DF?



or this one?

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #118 on: January 18, 2019, 11:17:55 AM »
I think high schoolers are much better behaved than these two grown adults.  Cyber sushi is oddly comforting and calorie free. LOL!

Well it is church so....

https://media3.giphy.com/media/12BxzBy3K0lsOs/giphy.gif
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #119 on: January 18, 2019, 02:18:45 PM »
DF as much as the truth finally coming out might sting, the humiliation of it all is not yours to own,  and it is certainly not yours to feel.  He might play the victim card to the hilt,  but that doesn't make it valid.  Train your mind to be as strong as your bench press in the gym and you will keep those emotions in check or else they will have control over your response to the dumb $h!te these fools pull.   They are fools who think they are fooling the fools who really see them as the fools the are.   See what a cluster firetruck that is?   Now,  tell me who should be humiliated by that?

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #120 on: January 18, 2019, 06:21:34 PM »
DF, like you said, it is humiliating. Like the others said, it's not your humiliation to own. People will and do see right thru them. I felt humiliated also, but all anybody has ever said to me about xH and his OW is "WTF?!". They don't understand why he is with her.

At least now, everyone will be nodding in understanding at exactly what the situation is. It will be interesting to see if they will continue to attend the same church.
trying2bok

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #121 on: January 21, 2019, 10:45:10 AM »
Thanks Beyond and Learning. I kept your words in mind as I attended church on Sunday and the MOO2 family is in full public meltdown minus MOO2 - who was apparently on a ski trip with her kids and probably LB. This is not my humiliation to own - although they do seem to be doing their best to try and drag me in.  MOO2's mother told the Pastor I wouldn't talk to her.  Huh? I replied - when did she try to speak to me and I did not reply?  MOO2's oldest brother has now stopped talking to me. Huh? I just keep doing my thing with a smile. Although I do have to go into a supply closet and scream into a pillow now and again.

Nothing has changed for me for 2 years. Why all the new drama?? Perhaps they have defended MOO2 for 2 years only to find out they look stupid now.

         
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Treasur

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #122 on: January 21, 2019, 10:51:15 AM »
Ah, DF, I would smile calmly and radiantly and say to your pastor that you try to stay away from drama which is not written by your pen  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #123 on: January 21, 2019, 01:56:37 PM »
Wow—involving the pastor in their adulterous drama. That has got to be a first!  Seems like things are imploding all around for them. Can’t imagine things will get better for them anytime soon.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #124 on: January 21, 2019, 02:00:30 PM »
Quote
Ah, DF, I would smile calmly and radiantly and say to your pastor that you try to stay away from drama which is not written by your pen

Love this.

Quote
Wow—involving the pastor in their adulterous drama.

Was wondering if this was a first as well.

DF, you're handling this wonderfully. It must feel surreal.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #125 on: January 21, 2019, 04:57:50 PM »
I just keep doing my thing with a smile. Although I do have to go into a supply closet and scream into a pillow now and again.

Ha! I get that DF. I did a lot of screaming and crying too. It does help as long as you can walk out of the closet feeling somewhat relieved. The stress that we endure without committing murder is quite a talent. ;D

Getting the pastor involved is a new low in my opinion. Did they think he would give the situation his blessing?
trying2bok

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #126 on: January 21, 2019, 06:05:10 PM »
I am not sure the Pastor has any idea what this is all about. MOO2’s mother had an issue with BFF last fall and I think he feels it is coming from that direction. I truly have no idea why she said that. I don’t go out of my way to talk to her but she has done nothing to me. I feel bad for her... she has a daughter with a truck load of dark secrets and some serious mental health issues. She must be scared for her.  But I am not her enemy.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #127 on: January 21, 2019, 06:32:50 PM »
I can't imagine you being anyone's enemy, but you don't have to be a friend to everyone either. What ever reason MOO2's mom approached the pastor for, eventually all the ugly details will be revealed. It can't stay a secret forever, and it sounds like the woman wants to purge herself of a lot of the dirty little secrets she's privy to. How would you like to carry that burden all by yourself? It would be exhausting.

Bide your time and that which is done in darkness will be brought into the light. HA!
trying2bok

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #128 on: January 22, 2019, 02:51:59 AM »
I think I may have found a GIF of MOO2's mom....

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #129 on: January 22, 2019, 06:25:40 PM »
I think I may have found a GIF of MOO2's mom....


  Ok,  seriously lmao at this GIF.   UM,  you, sir,  are a master of video portraying reality.   ;)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #130 on: January 22, 2019, 06:31:23 PM »
DF - You just keep right on going to church and showing your winning smile.  I have to believe that eventually the truth hits the proverbial fan. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #131 on: January 22, 2019, 09:15:12 PM »
Hello,

Just really busted out laughing at the gif. OMG that was too much.


Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #132 on: January 23, 2019, 12:49:55 PM »
I have some observations from my first few weeks into my INTENTIONAL journey. People really don't like it.

Now, I am a card carrying people pleaser. So the people I am surrounded with are used to me bending over backwards to please and rescue them I suppose.  The whole selfish year was one thing, get over my divorce and move on was ok ... but this whole get rid of distractions, stop anticipating other people's needs, your emergency is not my emergency, intense focus on my OWN goals and dreams and annoying boundaries ... well, that is just for the birds.  I just need to get over myself and stop being selfish.   8)   

S tried out for and made a new basketball team which is kind of a high profile, big deal. So, I am sharing the news with you because people in RL are, quite shockingly, not supportive of this new success. I have received the most odd comments so far - perhaps you have enough on your plate, don't you think this is overboard, he is too young, blah, blah, blah.  Are they being concerned? Maybe.  Perhaps S and I have our fair share of success for their liking and it is cutting into THEIR time and goals for us?  How do you succeed if you listen to everyone else telling you when you have enough success?  I just keep thinking that people told Walt Disney he couldn't build an amusement park on a swamp.  I wonder what would have happened if they had listened to him. 

I guess I expected everyone to be happy for my new INTENTIONAL me. Nope. Everyone has their own agenda. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #133 on: January 23, 2019, 01:53:39 PM »
Congrats DF and S!!! That is huge news. Anyone reacting to this in a negative way does indeed have their own agenda. Very sad indeed, for them. You and S have MUCH to be proud of! Gooooo Super-Mom!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #134 on: January 23, 2019, 06:52:50 PM »
Sounds like a great opportunity for S, DF.  Sorry about all the negative nellies.  It should be a decision that they should support once you make it.  The time for comments like those aren't after the fact.  If S wants to do it and you have been intentional about weighing the pros and cons before making your decision, then they can just live with it. 
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #135 on: January 23, 2019, 08:15:15 PM »
Well, I'm happy for your new intentional me!

Also, a big high five for your S on his newest accomplishment.

Let me know if I need to send a new pair of wool socks your way.  I'm worried about your feet!   

FYI - I have only a couple episodes of Call the Midwife left.  I'm going to be sad when I finish that series!   :(

 
« Last Edit: January 23, 2019, 08:26:41 PM by stillbaffled »
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Milly

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #136 on: January 24, 2019, 03:38:21 PM »
DF, congratulations on your S making the important team! That is not easy to do even for the kids with the 'normal' families, let alone a kid from a MLC family! Wonderful and thank you for sharing it with us. We know how hard it is.

My S plays competitive tennis and I tell him that most people are rooting against him. Sadly, this is often the case. I have people telling me all the time that maybe my S's tennis is just creating extra demands on me, that S doesn't have the time with his school, that it's time to quit, how can I drive all over the place for his sport.......they just don't understand. It's a pleasure for us.

Best of luck for your boy!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #137 on: January 25, 2019, 11:04:56 AM »
Thanks KIT, FW, SB and Milly!! Still working out the details. Just got an email yesterday that I need to send to LB to see if he is on board. It seems strange to me that I am dreading sending LB this information because it is going to start fresh drama over money. There was a time when I would have raced home to LB filled with excitement and expected him to be excited too. But now I am expecting it to be all about chasing him around for money that he has but doesn't want to put out for his kid because he would rather spend it on his addictions.   :-\ 

Milly you truly get it. It has been such a fun adventure with S. But when you start to show some real potential people change their tune about how happy they are for you.  I was laying in bed last night thinking that S and I need a break from basketball and basketball people... a short adventure to renew our spirit perhaps.

On an MLC note, I got a cryptic message from LB yesterday asking if I planned on taking S to basketball last night. Um ... yes. Duh.  So we arrive and LB is there already sitting by himself. I was truly all basketballed out last night and the event was a 9 minute showcase spot for S and his teammates so I picked a spot off to the side by myself to drool and zone out for 9 minutes while I waited for S so we could go get food. LB climbs down from the bleachers and stands in front of me, so I have to look around him to see the court.  ::)  I can see he is anxious and he is walking in almost a circle around where I am sitting and my guard goes up because the only reason I can fathom for all this movement is that he is trying to approach me. Then he puts his coat on and leaves... and comes back... more pacing around and finally he starts walking toward me. I was super hoping he was going to ask to take S home because I still had to go fetch D from 4H. But no... he stands in front of me and says "hey" and I am triggered a million times over because he has greeted me that way for 19 years until BD and I suddenly remember him in a rush of memories and I can't breathe... and he shoves a crumpled up envelope in my hand with my name on it in his handwriting and mumbles "insurance card" and he walks off toward S who is now goofing with his teammates. He spends a few minutes with Sand then he vanishes. He is not the arrogant person that bullied D last weekend... he looks truly pathetic today, sad... there is remorse there I think. Regret?  This is new.       

This morning I get another message confirming that he handed me the insurance card last night.  I confirm in a business like fashion.  He is circling back. I have never seen it this vividly before. They have only been "dating" a few months... must not be going well.  Maybe the ski trip was not all that and a bag of chips... you know... since he doesn't ski.                   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #138 on: January 25, 2019, 02:13:03 PM »
About those people who were less than enthusiastic about your S getting into that basketball team.  I think they are jealous.  I had very similar responses from people when any of my kids achieve something their kids had no chance of doing.  All their fake concerns were laughable and I began to see a pattern. Nothing but jealousy.   Just sayin’.   
« Last Edit: January 25, 2019, 02:28:26 PM by Acorn »
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Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #139 on: January 25, 2019, 03:59:38 PM »
DF, congratulations on your S getting the position on the new team!

As far as LB and the insurance card, could he actually be feeling some remorse? Will the world of MLC ever run in a straight line?
trying2bok

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #140 on: January 30, 2019, 11:00:55 AM »
Learning, the answer to your question is NO. LB is all over the map this week. No straight line - he seems utterly confused.

Acorn - Yep. Jealous - no other answer for it.

I finally sucked it up and sent LB the email regarding the basketball team. This should be a simple conversation - here is the deal, are you in?  I need a financial commitment from LB and an FYI  if this is what S decides he wants to do so we can move forward to sign paperwork. Well, I don't really...  but it would be nice to have it from the other parent.  I get a big looooong response in return about travel expenses and taking turns attending games.  So, since we are proposing travel expenses and me agreeing not to attend certain games I assume he on board to pay half the registration fee. I don't even know. Sigh. (Banging head on wall.)

The travel schedule isn't even set until March and S hasn't made a decision so I don't know how we discuss this now.  And if he thinks I am going to agree to not attend some games he has lost his ever lovin power playing mind. I read his response 3 times... I don't even know what the message is.... he can't afford the travel, he doesn't want me to attend half the games, he doesn't want to attend half the games. No idea. Muddled message.

Last night S had a game. I sat with another set of parents who have a kid that also made the team and I was talking to them about it.  LB comes in and plops himself down like we are still married and proceeds to join the conversation  :o... but his comments are still muddled... and I can't read if he is for or against the new team... he seems to be whining.... finally the other Dad looks at him and says don't you want your kid to have the exposure??  LB says yes.  Dad says well, what is the problem then??

And I want to say, very badly, that the problem is that MOO2 is a gold digging, homewrecker whose kid isn't as amazing as mine and she probably doesn't approve of LB spending all his money and time with his kid. Or maybe it is just LB who doesn't want to spend the money on his kid.  So I snort audibly instead.  LB shuts up.  The other Mom and I continue to talk about the current team and the coach and some issues that happened at Monday's game that S was really upset about  - and I can see LB listening in out of the corner of my eye -   because he has no idea what is going on with his kids.

What a train wreck of a human being he turned into.  Someone told me a few days ago that I need to stop expecting a gallon out of pint people.  And that is exactly what it is - LB is just not a gallon person.  End of story.                               
« Last Edit: January 30, 2019, 11:03:49 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #141 on: January 30, 2019, 12:50:17 PM »
Quote
I need to stop expecting a gallon out of pint people.

That is a classic! It is so hard when they check in and out of our children's lives. One year my daughter was in drum line and not one time did she attend a single performance.

However, she went to all the dance performances because she wanted to show the parents she knew that she was so active in her kid's lives.

Another amazing thing was how quick she would spend my money on the kids for activities, clothes, events, and food. The moment she was divorced and on a budget, she used her child support to buy my daughter clothes at Goodwill and did not put her in a single activity. She did manage to scrape the money together to fly to London to be with OM and to Vietnam to see her brothers and sisters. Hmmm.

LB is very confused and would like to be a more active participant, but he has OW. She is a big commitment and I am sure she is sensitive to the time he spends with his son and not her. Hmmmm

Lot of pressure on LB. No wonder he is down to a pint.

Keep focused on you and your kids. He is going to be confused for a while, but at least he sees that you are strong and moving forward with your and your kids lives. You have a full tank to take you places while he is stuck on empty and even if you add gas, he leaks. LOL

((((Hugs)))

Ready

PS- What position does your son play. I love basketball!
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #142 on: January 30, 2019, 12:54:21 PM »
Wow! And there’s just no way you would ever agree to NOT attend any game. I’m really hoping he meant that to be “nice” in that you don’t “have” To go to half the games—trying to be fair maybe? Hopefully? More likely to try to take the pressure off himself. What a mess he is DF! My H has told me more than once that I don’t have to attend this or that game. And when I respond that I would never miss a game unless I was sick, he told me lots of moms miss games all the time. And he said it in a disgusted tone. Then I remembered, his parents never went to any of his sports stuff. And he ran cross country in college. Mlc is real. But the way these formerly good people so rapidly degenerate is just mind blowing!

Also—I agree that the non well-wishers for S’s new b-ball opportunity are likely jealous. Another thing I will never understand. Yay for S!!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #143 on: January 30, 2019, 03:05:34 PM »
DF, I agree with you. There is no way I would miss a game. That's LB's issue if he wants to miss some. Maybe he was going to bring OW to the games you wouldn't be at.

Ready, all these MLCers seem to find money for so many things and still cry poor. Remember, if their lips are moving, they're lying.
trying2bok

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #144 on: February 03, 2019, 11:25:10 AM »
DF.... So he wants you to agree to miss games,  so it makes him look better,  since he's missed half the season?   Always about them isn't,  except when good ol' responsibility is the topic of conversation.   lmao

And,  I applaud your restraint in blurting what a dead beat dad he's been,  when it was exactly his intent to show himself as a good dad when he interrupted the group discussion and proceed to prove the dead beat dad point all his own.   Give these idiots just enough rope to hang themselves and watch the magic happen.

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #145 on: February 05, 2019, 11:29:35 AM »
Hello Ready, KIT, Learning and Beyond!! 

Time flies when you are having fun!!  Ready, I almost fell outta my chair laughing when you said that all LB's gas would leak out even if I added it. That is the truth if ever I heard it. I have been adding gas to that boy's tank for years and wondering why the needle was always on empty. LOL!       

And no!! I would never agree to not go to S's games. So that is a non-starter and yep - his issue. I have been sneaking out of work the last two weeks to go see as many of his school games as I can because I am just his #1 fan and it hurts my heart to know he is playing and I am not there.  But you all know that already. 

Ready,  my S is a 6' 1" 13 year old.  So he plays the "big" positions  - mostly power forward.   

I have had no more back and forth with LB about the new team. I decided he is begrudgingly in. That is all I can expect form a pint person. I can't argue with him about a schedule that doesn't exist yet.  I have just been waiting for S to make a decision. I walked into the game last night and LB was there already sitting with the same parents we sat with last game. The Dad waved and I smiled and waved back and walked to the other side of the gym and plopped myself down. After the game, the Mom approached me and asked if S had made a decision yet.  No, he is 13 and dragging his feet because he is nervous.  I had an e-mail in to the coach with some questions and S is sneaker shopping because he will be required to wear the "brand" gear.

The Dad came over and said he had talked to some basketball people and they are impressed with the program and he is going to encourage his son to sign up.  I told S and he was happy that he would have a friend to go on this new adventure with. LB was silent and looked like a pot of absolute misery.  I have no idea what his problem was last night but WOW was he sulky and forlorn looking.

In karma bus news, my Mom was talking to MOO2's Dad and learned that MOO2's S has quit scouts, is failing in school and had a disrespectful row with his grandmother which led to MOO2's Mom to demand an apology from S. When an apology was not forthcoming all of MOO2's and S's things were removed from her house and dumped at MOO2's house.  Ha!  Sounds like a good time to introduce your friend's husband to your family as your new boyfriend. My Mom said DF, I think it going to get worse.  I laughed. Worse?  Isn't that all bad enough.

Anyway, I just got a message from the coach for the new team. They want S to come out Thursday evening and meet the team and put in a workout. This is a good step to help S make a decision. I think it will be ago after Thursday.                         
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #146 on: February 05, 2019, 07:12:04 PM »

In karma bus news, my Mom was talking to MOO2's Dad and learned that MOO2's S has quit scouts, is failing in school and had a disrespectful row with his grandmother which led to MOO2's Mom to demand an apology from S. When an apology was not forthcoming all of MOO2's and S's things were removed from her house and dumped at MOO2's house.  Ha!  Sounds like a good time to introduce your friend's husband to your family as your new boyfriend. My Mom said DF, I think it going to get worse.  I laughed. Worse?  Isn't that all bad enough.

Man, MOO2 has some splainin' to do!  I'm with your Mom - I think there's more to come and it's gonna be downhill most of the way! 

Anyway, I just got a message from the coach for the new team. They want S to come out Thursday evening and meet the team and put in a workout. This is a good step to help S make a decision. I think it will be ago after Thursday.

Excellent news - please do keep us posted.
                     
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #147 on: February 05, 2019, 08:34:06 PM »
Just spent another 2 hours looking at LB at S’s basketball game tonight. That is not what happy looks like. Not even close. That is all.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #148 on: February 06, 2019, 09:18:44 AM »
Just spent another 2 hours looking at LB at S’s basketball game tonight. That is not what happy looks like. Not even close. That is all.

Well, I'm sure you are to blame for all that misery right?  ::)

Your boy is 6'1"? Wow--that is awesome.  And so exciting about his new team. I love how the other parents know to talk to you about it. 

Oh yes, the karma bus. I do feel like it hits very soon though they would never admit to it.  Anyway, keep doing you DF. You are killing it as usual!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #149 on: February 06, 2019, 09:58:40 AM »
SB - if only her splainin made any sense.  She is splainin away and everyone is looking around at each other like does this make sense to you guys because I am lost.  She is pulling all her victim cards and nobody is buying it because everyone feels lied to and deceived - which they were. It is starting to look like she is not the innocent victim in all this. And LB is looking like he was a part of all of it.  It is a hoot!! 

But KIT is right - they are still putting on the show - but they are both looking a little deflated these days.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DumbfoundedTopic starter

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #150 on: February 06, 2019, 05:29:13 PM »
So what happens when the MLC water gets rough... we act out and run away. Like a teenager.

After hugging and kissing S after the game last night and promising him he would see him today he suddenly has a “commitment” today and can’t get S from practice. Followed by a message ranting about wanting a “copy” of the car title and am I making any progress on getting the house refinanced?!?

Well, as soon as the retirement money is divided up... and YOU sign the Deed that you have had since last August we can wrap this D up. Sigh. Work smarter not harder LB.

So I am out running S around for basketball and getting ink for the printer because D’s research  paper is due tomorrow and the printer ran out of ink and she is having a meltdown. Where is LB? Who knows but I am sure I have the better end of the deal.

« Last Edit: February 06, 2019, 05:32:34 PM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #151 on: February 07, 2019, 01:52:21 PM »

So I am out running S around for basketball and getting ink for the printer because D’s research  paper is due tomorrow and the printer ran out of ink and she is having a meltdown. Where is LB? Who knows but I am sure I have the better end of the deal.


For sure you do, DF!  For absolutely freaking sure you do! 

I'll keep reminding myself that I do as well as I head out yet again in this nasty weather and try to move way too many inches of snow and get to my outdoor wood boiler! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Milly

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #152 on: February 07, 2019, 02:31:21 PM »
DF, you are one of the greatest mothers out there! And your S knows it! He couldn't handle his competitive basket ball and school without an agent/therapist/mentor/Mom to take care of him. Not possible.

Still, you and so many other LBSs are some of the strongest people. Who wouldn't want to be with us?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Silver

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Re: Ready for a New Word
« Reply #153 on: February 07, 2019, 11:17:37 PM »
Time for a new thread, Dumbfounded  ;)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

 

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