Author Topic: My Story It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.  (Read 516 times)

Online Nevertoomuch85Topic starter

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Starting a new thread. Would someone be so kind as to link the old one? Please and thank you.

Recap: together 13 years shared custody of S5. I have 3 grown children from a previous marriage. BD February 24, 2018.  ILYBNILWY, she needs space. Went to stay with S27 and DIL, GS3. The locks were changed  and here I stayed. After 2 months DIL left my S27 and moved in with my Mlcer(Irish) I thought they were having an affair but think I was wrong.

The first 4 months were spent distancing from me and S5. She was diagnosed with BRCA and had cervical cancer surgery in the summer. She has been a clinger ever since. Her relationship with S5 is more normal now and has to see him every day. She is finally laughing with him and showing him affection. I am in the friend zone. She seems to trust me mostly and comes to me for advice. She goes dancing every Friday night and comes over the next day to tell me all that happens. She repeatedly tells me that she is not looking for a relationship with anyone, that she is not attracted to anyone. That she has no sex drive. She thinks she is going through early menopause. She knows she has FOO issues and is seeking therapy for it. Raised by two narcissistic parents and only feeling as good as the last great thing that she accomplished.  She is also dealing with anorexia.

Her mother visits 2 times a year and I was very proud when she cancelled on her mother this visit as she wanted time to work through her therapy about her mom. Well, her mother decided to come anyway. She is currently visiting. Even decided to stay an extra week for Thanksgiving.  Yesterday when I dropped off S5, I caught MILES talking to the neighbor about buying the neighbors house right next door! I think this would be bad, bad, bad.  As for DIL, Irish is tired of her and has given her notice to move out.  This should be a very interesting week.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2018, 08:39:11 AM »
Following along 85.
Hang in there.  You doing good.

Offline Jay78

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Re: It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2018, 08:45:29 AM »
Following along.
Wow. The good thing you have s5. Most importantly

Remember one day at a time
At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW  May orJune,2017 maybe even longer
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
____________________________________________________
A  DAY AT  A TIME,  WITH GOD ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

Online Nevertoomuch85Topic starter

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Re: It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2018, 09:32:43 AM »
Hi Helping and Jay. Thanks for following along. Yesterday was not good. Before I tackle what happened in need to go back to last Friday. I've said before that S5 is autistic, so he needs his routine and has a hard time communicating his emotional needs. MIL is staying with Irish and is visiting for 2 weeks. I was asked if they could keep S5 Thursday thru Saturday. Which I agreed. Friday night Irish decided to go out dancing with her hot mess friend and didn't get home until very late. S5 had a really hard night. Not having mommy or mama to put him to bed. I heard he finally passed out on the couch at 11pm. I wasn't angry at this. It was an unfortunate learning experience.

Fast forward to 3 days ago. My MLCer was dropping off our son and we were talking about the new Freddie Mercury movie. I said it was playing up the street and she asked me if I wanted to go see it and we could go together. I told her that I had definitely planned to see it and agreed...Now I knew that there was a very good chan6that she would change her mind. Yesterday  (the day of the movie) I got a phone call at 1pm from Irish telling me that her hot mess friend was having a crisis and she was leaving work to go talk to her. Something about the friends daughter leaving rehab and eloping. I told Irish that we could go to the movie tomorrow instead if she was too tired. She said "let me see how I feel" Now I want to be clear that I was not upset about the movie. I expected it, but when I texted her 4 hours later to see when she was going to pick up S5 and she told me that she needed a couple more hours and could I drop him off to her mom, I got a bit angry. I told her no. I didn't want to do that incase she took longer and caused S5 anxiety. Then I asked if I should just keep him and she said yes. Now I'm fumimg mad. I said sure. I will just tell him that mommy isn't coming. Then I said "so you're basically choosing your friend over your son."  I asked what could be more important that him. She told me that I was making her feel like a bad parent and that she didn't do anything wrong and couldn't understand why I was mad. I told her that it's important pick up S5 on the days and times that he's expecting her. That nothing should be more important than him and then I asked "who are you?" After an hour of back and forth she agreed to come and get him. Even though she didn't do anything wrong.

About 2 minutes after we were done texting MIL called me and wanted to know if I had talked to Irish. I said yes. MIL acted like she hadn't talked to her all day, then asked me if I still wanted to go to that movie by myself or with someone else, I could bring S5 to her and she would watch him. I told her that I was definitely going to that movie by myself or with someone else, but that it wouldn't be tonight and that Irish was on her way to pick up S5.  I immediately called Irish on the phone. No answer. I sent a text. "Your mom just called me. I'm done."

When she got to my house she looked like a beaten dog and was very apologetic. Even though she didn't do anything wrong. I told her I was done with her mother and I was tired of all the mind messing that she does. (There is way more I haven't told about that) then Irish said "how do you think I feel? That was my whole childhood!" I said "I know, but I can't do it anymore." With that, she left.

Now today is a new day and I believe that it could be good, but something inside me has changed. I'm getting tired. I'm greatful for yesterday because it was an eye opener to where her priorities are, and just for the record, I will not be going to that movie with her. Thank you for listening.

Online Nevertoomuch85Topic starter

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Re: It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2018, 09:03:02 PM »
Well, after the big blow up last night I seriously thought that there would be crickets today, but no. She broke the ice with a text telling me that her phone was doing an update and she would be unreachable for 11 minutes. Lol. Then just basically little chatty texts all day. I am getting very concerned about her anorexia. She said she hadn't eaten in 2 days because of stress and she is beginning to look pale with dark circles under her eyes and I've never seen her so thin. I pray that she gets some help. It will be her and MIL having thanksgiving together. They are ordering turkey dinner from a local supermarket. Her mom is anorexic too. I hope they actually eat. I also hope that Irish can get some healing. The person to answer all of her childhood answers is right there in front of her, but I don't know if she can find the courage to ask her. It is my opinion that her mother is very emotionally deficient.

Online Nevertoomuch85Topic starter

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Re: It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2018, 10:14:33 PM »
I think I have finally hit the place where I'm ready to let go. The last few weeks have really done me in. Irish still comes over every day. She is polite and always asks first. The partying on the weekend has really seemed to kick into higher gear. She likes to go to clubs with her hot mess friend from work. She constantly tells me that she dances by herself and that she has no sex drive. She says that dancing gets her out of her head sometimes and it's therapeutic. She is seeing an IC and is working through some childhood trauma.

Last weekend she went you Lake Tahoe for the weekend and hit Reno for the Santa beer crawl. This trip was hard for me because I know how crazy it gets. I kept my lip zipped and let her to it. She always brings me back To shirts when she goes out of town and my closet is getting full of shirts from all the places that she's been without me and it's starting to feel like I slap in the face. 

Every time she comes over I am light and breezy. I ask no questions. She shares her problems and asks my advice. I'm just starting to feel a bit nutts and foolish and I'm seriously considering telling her that we can't hang out anymore. I'm just not sure how to do it when she's nice all of the time. I would also like to add that she has invited me out to do things 5 times since summer and has flaked on every one. I've brought up to her a couple of times that maybe we shouldn't spend so much time together and she panicked and cried and told me that she needs me in her life. I love her but it's driving me batty.

Online Nevertoomuch85Topic starter

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Re: It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2018, 10:35:38 PM »
So my question is how do I unlodge myself from a catagory 10 clinger without damaging my chances for reconciliation later?

Online Nevertoomuch85Topic starter

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Re: It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.
« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2019, 12:31:14 PM »
It's been a while and I wanted to document where I am now. Next month will be my one year BD anniversary. It seems longer and shorter at the same time. After my last post I wrote Irish a letter telling her that I couldn't sit and chat with her anymore and to please stop bringing me presents from all the places she goes to without me. She said she understood and our chats ended for a few days. We're now back to having our little chats and I'm fine with it. She is still a clinger. Still goes out dancing on weekends but she has stopped bringing me shirts from random places thank God.

She's still going to IC and seems to be working on herself. She even had a talk with me and told me that her breaking up with me had nothing to do with anything I did or didn't do. She said it had to do with issues she's dealing with from childhood and her mom.

She has breast cancer now and will be having a lumpectomy next week. I feel optimistic. I believe she will come out of surgery fine. She seems to be handling the news very well. This will be surgery number 30 for her.  I will post more later.

Online Nevertoomuch85Topic starter

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Re: It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2019, 09:04:59 AM »
Journaling
Irish had her doctor appointment Friday and the lump in her breast is in fact cancerous. They scheduled her surgery for Tuesday morning(tomorrow.) She called me right away and asked me if she could swing by my house. I told her of course. She came right over and told me that she had put me down as power of attorney incase something were to go wrong durring the procedure and told me her wishes and again reminded me that if she were to die that I would inherent the house, car and stocks. I told her that I would rather her not die, but have her hang around to help me coparent our son. I will admit that I feel like this is a step forward in her trusting me. After all, it is her life she's putting in my hands.

That evening she went out dancing with her friends like she does every Friday night. She has told me that she's addicted to dancing. This is definitely her escape activity. She has admitted that. She came over Saturday to pick u please our son and told me about her night. How she kept trying to have fun but couldn't. How everyone was annoying her. Even her hot mess friend. The. She looked up at me and said "not you. You don't annoy me" she said she's just scared and can't understand how the world just moves on and everyone c as needed have fun while she's suffering. I get it. I've felt like that before.

So surgery tomorrow. DIL will be taking her. I'm fine with it. Much better than the last time. She will be leaving her car with me and I will be popping over to help her when she needs it while she's home alone. I have gotten pretty good at detaching my emotions and I feel strong. Upwards and onward we go.

Online Nevertoomuch85Topic starter

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Re: It's all happening...Every new day is a chance for something good.
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2019, 09:00:32 AM »
Needing to update. Because something huge happened on Saturday, but first...Irish had her surgery and they removed 2 lumps from her breast. She is healing nicely with minimal scarring. Durring her recovery she pulled back from me considerably. Leaning more emotionally on her hot mess friend. I didn't love it, but what could I do? I just let her do her thing. DIL finally moved out a week ago. So now my MLCER has plenty of think you time when she's not out dancing. She still pops in 6 days a week and has a cigarette with me and tells me about her day at work.

Saturday she came to pick up S6 and stayed a couple of hours and shared with me that her IC gave her homework to watch the Disney movie "In and Out" she said she ugly cried. That she relates to the character called Joy. That throughout her childhood she was only ever allowed to show joy. Raised by two narcissistic parents. Her mother was void of emotion and her father always in a corner crying and melting down. If she ever showed sadness or any other emotion she was told to go away or go to her room. Then she told me that she is having a midlife crisis. WHAT?  Yep! She repeated it again and I said " I know." Then she chuckled and said " where's my sports car?"

Boy did I want to open up that can of worms, but just kept my mouth shut. I will let her tell me things as she pleases, but that was huge!  Yesterday when I picked up our son she told me that she thinks she has some BPD. That there are 4 kinds and she sees some parts of the high functioning kind. She said she is looking forward to talking to her IC about it on Wednesday.

There have been no relationship talks, but I am very proud of her and her admitting her issues. She seems to be working very hard to fix herself. Another day closers to the end of this mess but the journey is fascinating.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2019, 09:03:04 AM by Nevertoomuch85 »

 

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