[megogirl]

Sorry but you need to be called out on this.     

Seriously?  For being annoyed and calling someone "a fly"?!

My H deserved to hear what I'd said.  He violated the very thing he's promised to me, and to God.  I was just calling a spade a spade, and he needed to hear it....even if it went in one ear, and out the other. 

I did not say "Rot in Hell."  If he takes it that way....oh, well.....

[Mitzpah]

Mego girl,

I am a stander and I believe what some call a covenant stander. My h. divorced me almost four years ago.

On the day of our divorce, I told him and everyone in the small room we were in (the lawyer, the clerk and the registrar's official) that I loved him, none of this was my desire and I was proud to have carried his name in the thirty years we had been married - this was because he insisted I take back my maiden name. The deed was done in 10 minutes and we walked out there together - he walked me to where my car was parked, I gave him a big hug and told him, 'nothing changes - I am still married to you in the eyes of God and I love you just the same'.

Almost four years have passed - he is still with ow but doesn't live with her anymore - we get on well together and he comes to visit the kids at our house - he currently doing a major maintenance job on our house, which relieves me financially . I don't receive alimony because I am independent and all our kids are over age. They live with me and the financial burden on me is greater but that is often the case with mothers, right? I help him out financially if he needs it. I facilitate the communication with the kids because it blesses him and them. I pray for him daily (and for the ow).

People have gotten used to my stand and don't talk about it any more. I have a pretty much restored relationship with my in-laws and we 'understand' each other.

I have never really been angry at him - I have forgiven and am prepared to continue to forgive with God's help.

So, that is how I have continued living. It is not what I dreamed of but my children are relieved that I am not at loggerheads with their much beloved father and we all get on with life. I continue to pray for restoration, however, that is totally in God's hands, not mine.

[RedStar]

What this discussion is pointing out to me is that if I'm standing, getting stuff off my chest is not going to help my stand. Of course, I knew that, but seeing several people's view of how venting comes across, I'm starting to really realize that it's time for me to stop this.

I'm glad nobody 2x4'd me when I posted my vents, because I was still at a stage where I needed to do that. This is one of the invaluable gifts we receive from HS, the chance to heal and say how we feel with (usually) not too much criticism, and lots of encouragement. And often, we work it out ourselves in the end.

Milly, am I correct that you're saying that we naturally need to vent--but to do it HERE instead of at our Hs/Ws?

That's something I had to learn--to do the so-called "180" and NOT be the person H sees me as but the person I TRULY am. That is one of the best ways to prove him wrong, after all... 

But then, further, that *how* we vent here is important. If we do it in a way that creates or maintains hardness in ourselves, it takes us in a different spiritual direction than coming from a place of compassion and love does. We want to honor our own feelings, yes, but the way I see it, the bottom line is that what I wanted in the first place was to love my H. That was the whole point! So I let go of the idea of getting "justice" from him. I would rather he see a contrast between my true self, the loving person that I always intended to be, and the broken, immature OW that is sure to increasingly annoy him and grate on his nerves like the affair down she is.

I feel angry often, but I feel more compassionate and loving as I go along. It's a process to shift the percentage from one side to the other. I don't judge myself for the anger. It's certainly justified. But in the process of getting where I want to be, letting go of anger improves my experience in the present as well as "paving the way" for future relationships of any kind.

Mego, I don't know if my musings make any sense to you...I'm sorry you're hurting (as we all are or have been). We're just saying, in a way, that if we want to build something, there are more and less effective ways to use our tools.

Maybe think of it this way...MLCers can't learn as well from our words at this point (maybe at any point?) as they can from the "vibe" we show them--kind of like pets. 

[megogirl]

I gave him a big hug and told him, 'nothing changes - I am still married to you in the eyes of God and I love you just the same'.

Wow....I am unsure how you reached the point of being able to hug your H, because I haven't, and I've tried everything.

Finally, yesterday H got exactly what he wanted all along.   And he would have been more than happy to send me on my merry way without saying a word....the ultimate FU. 

So I said what I said - which apparently folks here found nasty - but I just viewed as stating the (harsh) reality. 

[Mitzpah]

I gave him a big hug and told him, 'nothing changes - I am still married to you in the eyes of God and I love you just the same'.

Wow....I am unsure how you reached the point of being able to hug you H, because I haven't, and I've tried everything.

Maybe because we live in a Latin country,where hugging and cheek kissing is the social norm. My love language is physical touch and it is his too, so it is easy to show affection...  It is not really a sexual thing, although you would not catch me hugging a random man  - a close friend or brother /brother-in-law, yes. And, of course, it IS different hugging the man you love

My detachment from my h. was more along the lines of not allowing him to hurt me, keeping my boundaries and distancing from him when he was monsterish or wanted to foist the ow on me but never mistreating him or denying my affection and respect for him. If he didn't want to be hugged he just kept away from me and I respected his distance too . I don't keep telling him I love him or that I am standing - he knows that from the consistency of my actions, he also has learned to respect me too The fact that he has divorced me and that he is in a relationship with ow is his business, not mine. He feels safe with me most of the time, possibly because I don't pressure him at all, I leave it up to him to initiate our communication most of the time - I only start the communication in the case of an emergency with the kids or if he has made it clear that he wants to contacted about things (like some house repairs that he can help). I also wish him happy birthday, happy Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy Father's day.

IMHO, it is possible to have a good relationship with them with mutual respect as long as you are clear on your boundaries and respect his too.

[xyzcf]

I gave him a big hug and told him, 'nothing changes - I am still married to you in the eyes of God and I love you just the same'.

Unconditional and agape love for our beloved spouses who ended up with a "condition" that they did not ask for and that they also could not have prevented.

Indeed, a legal paper changes nothing. In God's eyes we are still married and always will be.

I continue to love my husband...his crisis did not change that for me.

[Acorn]

So I said what I said - which apparently folks here found nasty - but I just viewed as stating the (harsh) reality. 

Mego, many have given you excellent advice.  You can only go forward when you can see the common theme in their comments and you embrace them.  When you keep defending yourself against all the advice given here, the only person you are hurting is you.  I can see that people have been very generous with their time and have been persistent in helping you.  Accept them with gratitude and humility, and hold up the mirror for yourself so that you can move forward.

I see that you admire RCR greatly.  Then go read her words about Mirror work. 

Help is not unlimited.  When you continuously defend yourself against the genuine help given here, people will be less likely to offer them going forward.  Well, that’s my view anyway.

I mean well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[megogirl]

When you continuously defend yourself against the genuine help given here, people will be less likely to offer them going forward.

With all due, I have been repeatedly targeted here, over and over again, for innocuous things.  So I certainly didn't ask for any "help." 

My initial question was aimed at the Covenant-Keepers, which was (basically) "how do you deal with the people who think you're nuts?"  People then offered their (unsolicited) opinions on what I'd said to H.....

[Acorn]

So I certainly didn't ask for any "help." 

I see. Thanks for the clarification.

[Mitzpah]

How do you answer the nay-sayers regarding continuance of your Stand? 

Depending on how intrusive they are, I tell them a variation  on "Thank you for your concern, this is my issue to resolve"