[OffRoad]

Not a naysayer, exactly. I stood until. My until was my divorce. At that time I decided to simply live my life. My X never cheated to my knowledge, nor has he or does he have a girlfriend. That would have been a dealbreaker, done for me. So since he hasn't and doesn't,  I am open to whatever in my life.

The person my X is now I wouldn't want. If he becomes something closer to what he was, someone who has something to bring to a joint table, I am open to see if that works. But if someone else shows up who is already someone I connect with, enjoy time with and respect, I am open to that as well. I no longer stand, but I don't rule anything out either. Live each day in the now. It works for me at the moment.

[megogirl]

That would have been a dealbreaker, done for me.

And this is what I'm the most conflicted about.

The Bible gives one an out, if infidelity is a deal-breaker.  However, it was NOT included as an "exemption clause" in our Vows.

So what, exactly, constitutes "taking the 'high' road?"  Since they've gone low, we should now go high. 

But what does "high" even mean?!  Because I see a case being made for taking EITHER road....

[OffRoad]

You take the road that feels right to you. And if it's the wrong one, turn and go the other way. I don't think you should be looking for an "out". I promised to love and honor the man I married. My XH is not that man at this time. He broke the vows. I can stay in a one sided non marriage (valid choice) or decide to choose differently  (also a valid choice). The trick is that whatever the choice, own it. Your X is your X (and I am sorry for that) by his choice. You can't expect anything more than what is in the divorce paperwork, even if you choose to stand. No whining about being lonely (an occasional statement of that fact is acceptable, but no whining ), no complaints because he goes to live his life in whatever fashion. If you choose to stand, you choose what goes with it, same as if you don't stand.

You don't have to make a decision now. You can "Standish " until you decide. Just keep moving forward, making yourself the best you that you want to be. It's funny, but I still believe the Universe sends me what i need. It may not be what I want, but it's what I need, and I have to be smart enough to recognize what gets sent and make the most out of it. The Universe hasn't sent me an available man that suits me. But it did give me an unavailable one who fufilled my need for male conversation (non intimate or romantic) Maybe there is a reason for that.

[megogirl]

All I know is that I just want to be the HERO - as coined by RCR.

Just defining the word "hero" is what's killing me, because there are no clear answers, Biblically or otherwise....?!

[OffRoad]

As a suggestion, be your own Hero, not the one someone else defines.  I have the utmost respect and appreciation for everything RCR has done, but her writings are guidlines. Some of them were her experiences, but that doesn't mean it will work for you, apply to you, or be your end goal.

What do you want to see in the mirror in a year, three years, five years? Do you want to talk to your X as if he'd never treated you as he has? (Valid choice) Do you want to be civil for the sake of S? Do you want to never speak to him until he becomes someone you want to be friends with? Do you not give a fig and simply want to take care of yourself and S?

All you can do is be your own hero. I tried being kind and interacting with my mlc spouse when he was at home. I got a job where I could support myself and the kids after being mostly a SAHM for 18 years and he decided he was done out oF nowhere. I paid the kids insurance, all their expenses (no child support from their dad) drove S back and forth to school getting up at o dark thirty to do so, came home, helped with homework, made dinner, did every freaking thing I did as a SAHM PLUS worked 50 hours a week. Got S through high school and D through college, sometimes grammar and spell checking papers at 4:30 AM (dyslexia). Helped get D get launched at her new job. Kept S out of severe depression when the first college didn't work for him. Kept my house, reroofed and got it painted all on my own (this was not cheap-concrete tile roof). Kept good relations with ILs.  Pulled myself up by my bootstraps and keep moving forward. I'm my OWN freaking Hero. Maybe I couldn't save my marriage,  but that doesn't make me, and countless others here our own brand of Hero.

Define what your own Hero is. Then do that.

[Mortesbride]

I am not sure you can consciously CHOOSE to stand or not.

I think it is a part of the process that comes subconsciously, over time..just like detachment.

Inch my inch, moment by moment. Everything they do, or don't adds to the ''Standing'' or ''I'm Done'' pile...and so it goes on for years and years...until one day you realise which pile is bigger.

We can't just wake up in the morning say ''I'm done'' and really mean it because it would be easier, or more logical, or there is a new person. The strings attaching us to our spouse are still there. They slowly erode or are cut, but we can't CHOOSE to do it when we want.

In a similar fashion you can not choose to stand forever and ever and say nothing else will ever change your mind.

Life happens. Things come along that we don't expect.

Today, you are standing...tomorrow you are standing...next week? Who knows. 

[megogirl]

Well this post couldn't have been more apropos for today.....

Because my "ex"-niece posted a pic of her Thanksgiving holiday this morning.  Everyone was in the pic, gathered around the table....H, evil ex-IL's, ex-niece, ex-nephew, S15, and.....THE O firetruckING W.

I still can't believe he had the stones to do it.  A table full of @$$holes, and here's one more.  Just appalling. 

I texted S15, "I don't want you hanging around any prostitutes."  He knew what I meant.

I'm still on a ledge.  And my Stand has badly waned, and is now the most battle-tested it has EVER been.   

[Ready2Transform]

It hurts, mego. I can still very much remember that sting. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Just let yourself process. You WILL feel better.

[megogirl]

Ready -

You had your hooker show up for Thanksgiving, too?

[in it]

It may get be a lot better for you if you stop looking at social media.