Thanks for the link and for introducing me to 'This American Life'. I'm Canadian, and haven't heard the show before. I downloaded the iPhone app and so now have a fresh stock of well produced broadcasts to listen to.
The show was really interesting. I could relate to the first story. The woman in that story bonded with her OM over the death of her father - just as my wife did in her EA. I thought it was unusual that her husband and the OM remained friends!!! It was also interesting that it was their daughter that developed the documentary! From what the woman was saying, she missed out on 5 years of the daughter's teenage growth. I thought that I could detect some (understandable) loss between mother and daughter ... and almost an unspoken request for forgiveness from the mother. As Buggy noted, I think the woman stopped short of taking responsibility.
I could also relate to the man in the piece - in what he was saying about their 'love life'. Prior to BD our love life had been going downhill, though we had actually been trying for a baby! Or should I say I was hopeful for a baby, but my wife, it turns out, was undecided. I blamed myself too for problems in the bedroom, but as the saying goes, 'it takes two to tango'.
I could relate too to the brilliant story about the guy being attracted to the French girl. I thought that it was a very honest piece - recognizing very serious themes in himself beneath the wit and class of his writing - about how he fought back and didn't succumb to the affair, but was scared of commitment.
A few years ago, a woman that I worked with invited me to spend the weekend with her. We were close at work, and I admit that I was attracted to her - she was smart, funny, good looking, energetic, hard working and 7 years younger than me. I walked away. I had my wife, my best friend that I wouldn't do that to. I had two children. It was a temptation though. I remember going home that night and being especially glad to hold my family. Almost relieved.
About a year later the woman left to work in another city. On the day she was saying goodbye to everyone, she came by my office and gave me a very, very long hug. Raised a few eyebrows. Looked me in the eye and told me some really nice things about myself.
I'd helped her in her work. I was her manager, and her mentor. She was a great worker - very reliable. I valued my whole team and I helped each one of them. If they worked well, it reflected on our team - we could take on more work, better projects ... we could enjoy our work more. I helped them frame their work - understand and push themselves and push their place in our company. With that woman, I guess maybe we both took something more from each other, though I genuinely never intended for it to become something beyond a working relationship. It can be a fine line.
I wonder what it is that stops a person from crossing the boundary, or as the woman in the first act suggested ( and I've heard in other stories ) makes a person feel entitled to the new relationship. When I first started therapy, my therapist talked about 'unmet needs'. I think we all have unmet needs at different stages of our lives. I don't think that our spouses should be on the hook for them ALL. I think it is harsh on a LBS for them to be told they fell short of meeting the needs of their spouse and the penalty is divorce. There likely is some degree of truth in a spouse not meeting the needs, but that should be fixable, forgivable.
In my case, my own childhood was not idyllic ... but I absolutely know that I was safe and I was loved ... cherished ... and I think that's a vital ingredient. I know that my wife literally spoke the words to me: 'I don't know if my dad loved me, I'll never know'.
Thanks again for the link.
BNW
MLC in the News: Celebrities, News Stories, etc.
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