Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high  (Read 3380 times)

Online SonganddanceTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #100 on: January 11, 2019, 01:00:43 AM »
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The bad stuff you share with family members about your spouse is like a cat you can't put back in the bag.


Where did I say it was bad stuff? That is something you have surmised Goner. In fact the texts he sent were loyal, loving and indicated on his behalf how much he loves my D. They had no recrimination in them at all.

Dear me ....I find it now laughable that my approach as a mother supporting her D who is in a mental and emotional crisis is the subject of so much condemnation.

Goner - Get what you say - that was your mother's style. It is not mine and may I re-iterate (boringly so) that I am NOT telling my D what to do neither am I actively involved.  This is her situation but I am her mother and when she asks I give her my honest answers but let her know that I still love her and will support her.

Subject closed.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline BrenM

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Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #101 on: January 11, 2019, 08:01:55 PM »


Dear me ....I find it now laughable that my approach as a mother supporting her D who is in a mental and emotional crisis is the subject of so much condemnation.



"Patience, kindness and compassion will get you farther than anger, criticism and condemnation will". ~ Unknown


Boy o boy Song...your story has certainly been through the wringer, put under the microscope and analysed by the  so called experts.  Ironically most readers see it for what it is...a mother sharing her motherly concerns with others.

As I mentioned previously, I have not come across the term QLC and have enjoyed reading your posts for what it is...a caring, loving parents concern about her daughter, SIL and their marriage.  I am sorry that you have been subjected to such disrespect and unwarranted scrutiny by some posters.  It is very laughable and absolutely absurd! 
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #102 on: January 11, 2019, 09:42:53 PM »
I am talking about general principles here and agreeing with Anjae's advice. Not about this situation in particular. I have not been following the story and I went back a page or two and read before I posted and can't make heads or tails from what is going on and who is who in the whole story especially what SIL has to do with D's relationship with her H. You can cry condemnation, but really all it is is a difference of opinion. Do you understand the difference?

Online SonganddanceTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #103 on: January 12, 2019, 01:00:17 AM »
Quote
Do you understand the difference?


Words fail me so here is my response Goner .... ::) ::) ::)
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #104 on: January 13, 2019, 03:49:57 PM »
Song-
I understand your concern about your D’s marriage and your
 H’s crisis. What did you miss?  My son married a girl he’d known for 7 years....we all loved her!
Those 7 years were my H’s crisis!  They were married less than a year and she walked away.What did I miss during this crisis???   So many things I’m afraid. She was not who we thought she was. Our son was obviously affected by H’s crisis......

They divorced. He married a sweetheart. They have a beautiful baby girl now. Things work out.

This is beyond your control. Just breathe and be strong.
(Hugs)
31
« Last Edit: January 13, 2019, 04:01:13 PM by 31andcounting »
Hurting people hurt people :(

Online SonganddanceTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #105 on: January 13, 2019, 03:57:15 PM »
Little update and it's not about D although it is her situation that has created what I am about to write.

H decided to give some input into her situation and feelings today.

It seems that D has feelings for the OP (no surprise there) and H sat down with her and said - "So why do you perpetuate this lie to your H? I am in no position to judge you  but the one thing I do know is that holding onto lies and deceiving others only harms you and you have to live with your guilt for a long time.  The moment you admit the truth then others are able to deal with it."

I go very very quiet and walk away. It is time to listen and learn

He then adds the following :"  I have learned that I am not compatible to live with others for a long time. I have made mistakes and thought that I could find new people to make me feel better but I have learned that this is not the case.  Don't get me wrong- it isn't that I don't want to live with others. I want to be free to dream but in fact some one like me needs to be connected with someone who is grounded and realistic allowing me to dream as well as knowing and accepting what is appropriate.  We all need an anchor and I have one - who is yours D?"

A few minutes later we moved onto where D was going to live and H said " guess my dream of living in .......is over. I will end up living in a caravan."
Me - Not necessarily - we have yet to discuss what we are going to do about this place and what will happen once it's sold.

However what he said to D has given me food for thought.  Still thinking....
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #106 on: January 13, 2019, 04:00:35 PM »
I love that H is speaking and you are listening song!

(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #107 on: January 14, 2019, 10:43:03 PM »
So perfect that you let him speak and allowed two broken people to hear each other.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #108 on: January 14, 2019, 11:18:06 PM »
I am so happy that your H has stepped up and spoke to your D. He knows better than anybody else here what may await your D in the future if she carries on as she has been. unfortunately, if this is a Crisis then she too will have to go through it herself and your H will not be able to help her as she probably has her walls up.

I hope than for you all that ist not a Crisis as WE all know it and she finds her way pretty soon. It still baffles me that married People can drop everything for an OP and believe that if will be woth the destruction.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SonganddanceTopic starter

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Re: Working it out 22 - Walking through this storm with my head held high
« Reply #109 on: January 16, 2019, 02:26:17 AM »
Hello all,

Just to say that I am leaving the forum for a while.  I have explained my specific reasons on the mod board.  However I will confirm that the recent discussions on my thread and that of a few others, in which I have been involved, have left me feeling somewhat attacked. I have acknowledged that my comments on Mego's thread especially could have caused concern to others and have explained why I said what I did but it seems that some of you cannot let it go.  These are my feelings and mine alone.  It's no good saying that I may have misunderstood - I feel attacked.

It has also made me feel that if I post on other threads I am likely to be called out even when the matter is over. 

When writing, I have learned that what I want to say needs time and re-writing and when I feel the need to write a post, I usually spend a long time choosing my words carefully. So my posts are now not impulsive or reactionary.

I think that what some may have failed to understand is that you don't fight fire with fire unless it is the last resort. 

I would like to repeat the story of the wind and the sun if you don't know it and if you do - tough - it's my thread.  ;D :P :P

A man was walking down the street with a hat and scarf on.
The wind said to the sun " I bet you I can get that man's hat and scarf off" 
The sun smiled and said " Well I think I can too but go ahead"
And so the wind blew and blew.  It blew with all its might. The man held onto his hat and tightened the scarf. 
The wind blew harder and still the man pulled his hat down and held onto his scarf. It continued for several minutes.
Eventually the wind stopped exhausted.  The wind said " Ok  but I bet you can't do it"
The sun smiled and opened out. The man looked up and after a minute took his hat and scarf off and continued his walk down the road.


This is something I was told by my mother - I always understood the moral but the impact and power of the moral is a lesson for all of us.  I have also learned to walk away from toxic situations or situations that may stunt my personal growth.

So as I continue to reconnect, help my children learn to self- navigate their own challenges and build my next career, I am choosing to leave this forum behind for a while. 

To all newbies or those in early days I say this.
Trust the process.
Read the articles by RCR - they are the most accurate and specific ones you will find about MLC.
Act upon the advice in the articles, understand that many on here have been where you are and learn to detach from the drama that MLC creates.
Focus on you, your children and your own life. 
Once your anger has subsided be the sun and not the wind!

Always act with grace and dignity


I wish you all well and in case you were wondering it has taken me about 45 minutes to write this! 

Maybe see you further down the road.

« Last Edit: January 16, 2019, 02:28:40 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

 

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