[Loyal]

I can only speak in regards to my "clanisher" but to cut a very long and full of MLC Monster drama short.  Last week we had our first telephone conversation since he left in April 2017. I got the feeling that he was doing his best to portray that everything was well with him and his new life  but when I asked him twice, once in the middle and then again towards the end of the conversation as to whether he`s happy, his answer both times was that he`s feeling a lot  better physically and has put on the weight that he lost.

Looking back,some parts of the conversation were quite amusing as the reason he called was that I had written asking him to contact me about the aparment/lease  Bear in mind, the last 1 1/2 years with breaks inbetween, I`ve tried everything other than taking him to court (it would cost me money that I don`t have) to get him to sign the lease over to me but to no avail. These are two of his arguments against it;

1. I`m worried that the house management will make you sign a new lease with bad conditions
 - This is absolutely ridiculous as he knows that I would not have to sign a new lease, the original one would stay valid as long as I live here, the only thing that would change ist that his name would be deleted from it.

2. I`ll never be able to find an aparment in Munich again 
 - I loved the second reason  and maybe I`m wrong but him saying that does make it seem pretty obvious that he doesn`t want to stay living together with OW in her aparment forever, although I can`t imagine her letting him move out withough a huge drama as she has her ugly, long claws dug in deeply



Milly, I can identify so well with what you wrote, my MLCer has gotten himself into debt with four people (they`re the only ones I know about) with whom he used to do business with and has literally been in hiding since Summer 2017 because of them  During the call last week, he told me that he`s always been an honest and straightforward person and has a few unpleasant matters that he will have to deal with in the near future, so maybe or better said hopefully he is starting to have some "clear moments".

[Treasur]

I find myself questioning ALL the time, maybe more so because my H has exhibited less of the cra-cra-crazy that some others have.  For instance, Treasur, I can look at your situation and say holy crap, how could anyone ever question that he's a complete mess - my outside perspective is consistent while yours wavers because you're so much closer to your own situation.


Just a few weeks ago I said something to my sister in law about sometimes wondering if I'm making too much of all of this and she without hesitation looked at me like I had 3 heads and said, "You think this is the normal way a marriage ends?" 
Then just last week she made a comment about how she must have been naive her whole life because she never knew a person could just "flip a switch" like that and how he definitely changed overnight, because there's no way we all, every single one of us, could have read him so wrong for such a long time.

And even hearing that, I still find myself questioning it all.  And I suspect I probably will question certain things every so often for the rest of my life.

Thanks for the reality check, Nas.
A left over bit of legal crap sent me spiralling today. To be honest, it made me want to throw up and I hate those panic attack type feelings now. It will get resolved, I know, and I have emailed my L  but it is something I thought was already sorted out. I just hate how fragile I feel, how little it takes to knock me off centre still.

Yes, what you say is quite right. Not always but often, I read stories here and have no doubt that someone else's spouse is on the crazy train, that is just isn't normal behaviour for a sane adult. Even a sane adult who no longer loves their spouse and wants to end their marriage. Yet it is harder to see close up in ones own situation. I would say the same about yours, Nas. Don't know the why or if it is MLC or not, but who uses an excuse like the washing machine one? Or says they want a divorce and then behaves in the exact opposite way?

And your SiL is right too, how weird it is to see people after years flip a switch not just on their marriage but actually on their whole persona. Again, difficult to know why, but reassuring when RL folks say 'wow, that IS weird'.

Changes nothing practically but for those of us with vanishers it is helpful to be reminded occasionally that we are not insane, that what happened isn't run of the mill and that this is why it does such a number on us for so long. Why 'moving on' from our marriage is maybe quicker than moving on from the insane way our marriage ended and the mess that created to sweep up.

[Nas]

Exactly.  It's so hard to stop thinking about the reality of what happened.  It's not the marriage ending that is hard to move on from, it's all the craziness and unexplained/unexplainable other stuff.

My sister in law actually cried last week.  It showed me that I'm not the only one who misses his presence.  Since BD, she has consistently shown only anger at H, not just for leaving me, but for leaving them.  She thought of him as a brother.  The day he left me, he cried to her and told her, "I love the hell out of those kids" (our niece and nephew).  He had not seen them for 4 months at that point and now hasn't seen or spoken to them in almost 4 years. 
 

 

[Treasur]

My mother who has dementia cried and cried about my h being 'ill' and kept asking for him for almost 2 years. She treated him like a son for 18 years and always hated how his own parents treated him, so felt quite maternally protective towards him. Both of my parents really loved and trusted him, and would have described him as a great son-in-law. But he erased her too. I contributed to the cost of his paternal grandmothers care....he has never contributed anything or visited my mother since BD.

It is s$itty but pretty common I think that they throw everyone into the discarded box, Nas, no matter what they say at first.

[In the valley]

My take on it is because they are cowards, can't face their problems, and can't face giving others bad news. Can't face other's pain, especially if they caused it. That goes for their own kids, too. Can't face problems in general, that's why so many of them are penniless and indebted. They run from the truth, thus increasing their debt and making it harder for them to be able to clear their debt ever.

They are immature, believing that if they ignore problems, they might disappear. When faced with problems, they feel like victims, like they're so unlucky, or that others have forced them to cause their own problems. I believe the vanishers have this kind of personality.

Hope I did the quote correctly 1st time I've tried that

There are some character deficiencies in these people that contribute to their handling problems in the way they do.  My ex for sure was like this.  She complained that there was always tension when I was around that I made her feel like she needed to be doing something.  I told her many times, she could relax but she put the pressure on herself and blamed me.  It's like they don't have the ability to self reflect, everything is projected on us.  Then when they start to hate themselves for the non-sense those things they hate about themselves is projected onto us too. 

[Rising Phoenix]

I think your right treasur and nas, it’s the mess and unbelievable actions and changes that our spouses do. My h has erased everyone. His parents are very ill and when his mother was in hospital he saw her twice in 4 mths and he only lives half an hour away from the hospital or their home.

He flits in and out of our children’s lives. Is it me as what normal parent leaves his children a week before xmas and continues to vanish when the going gets tough or ow has a tantrum that he sees the children when she is off work so only sees them 4 times in 15 mths.

A normal divorce surely is quicker than a mlc divorce. H still has not started the financials as he can’t afford it but is spending a fortune on bikes and bike equipment and turned up on Monday to pick up son with a very expensive watch, trainers and jeans apparently.

For me the projection is unreal and that he almost made me think I was crazy for suspecting he was having an affair, that I was paranoid. The avoidance which h states is not rising to anything so h is not rising to my emails re divorce and seeing the children. I just sit back now and wait for whatever happens or he throws at me.
A normal break up is surely still not so hard and continuing with clanishers and crazy divorce how many yrs later! Xx

[Nas]

My take on it is because they are cowards, can't face their problems, and can't face giving others bad news. Can't face other's pain, especially if they caused it. That goes for their own kids, too. Can't face problems in general, that's why so many of them are penniless and indebted. They run from the truth, thus increasing their debt and making it harder for them to be able to clear their debt ever.

 

The part in bold -- for the longest time I told myself that H just fell out of love, OW is a better match for him and his new life is going well for him because he is working hard at it, and the reason he vanished is simply because he can't face me because he knows it will hurt me to see that he's doing so well after leaving me. 
Which may be true.  He doesn't post his new life all over social media like some do.  If he feels guilty because he knows it will hurt me to see that he is much better off after leaving me, then vanishing makes total sense for someone who wants to avoid uncomfortable feelings at all costs.

[heroIam]

I never really knew if my H was a vanisher or not.  I know I haven't physically seen him for 2.5 years.  He's been gone for 4 years (had one short return).  But we have the occasional 'business related' contacts.  He wishes me Happy Bday every year via text or email and he's been sending a Cmas gift to the house every year.  Since he comes by the house once a month (I'm never there when he does) I don't get why he can't just leave a gift.  Why mail it?.  Over last 4 years he has mailed the Cmas gift to the house via UPS.   

I've left him a Cmas gift when he comes to the house once a month.  I actually wrap it. It's not a UPS box. 
Yes, it's nice that he thinks of me enough to send a gift and wish me a Happy Bday.  I just don't understand it. 

[CallingHeart]

Hello fellow clanishers ....
Glad to see a new thread and thought I’d pop on it with some thoughts...

I think the bottom line with vanishers is that we will never truly know or completely understand it.... the whole vanishing act is a WTF experience.

It’s weird but I’ve gotten to the point I’m “used to it” now.  I expect the unanswered-ness of it. I’m a little bit content with it even.

I don’t think immediately of hwow upon awakening. 
I’m 3 years into this, so “Time” has done his/her magic.

I stumbled into the vanisher’s BD note the other day cleaning out my junk drawer. LOL. I didn’t recognize it at first even though a few months back I had been looking for it and couldn’t find it. The 2-sentence note he left by the television when he bailed didn’t even look familiar!  I remember thinking “Oh wow, this is his BD note... I was looking around for this...” but it didn’t cause me pain or grief or a cycle. I just put it in its proper place (instead of junk drawer- LOL) and went on with my life.

At this point in my journey I think I will find it much more strange when the vanisher surfaces...
I have an intuition vanisher will face clannisher one day because it’s true that it’s not so much about the broken marriage as it is for HOW he did that. He’ll want a reckoning some day... and he’ll want it for himself. More than likely not for me.
I’m learning 

[Tyks]

The letter flowed from an outburst from me. Pent up anger I guess when I asked him to do something very easy. The letter was sad. Just shows me that he is still messed up and still taking the easy road. I hope it helps some of us to see exactly how messed up they are.