[Rising Phoenix]

 I think we are back to a vanisher as did not arrange to pick the kids up at the weekend and had better things to do on the Saturday than see his kids  so the kids didn’t reply as nothing really to reply to. He didn’t give a time or any other arrangements. Sunday he texts “ no answer!”  He literally text those words!! The kids certainly didn’t answer that! Unbelievable.

Not see. Then in over 2 wks and the same pattern as May and June is 3 to 4 wks h starts
cutting back on contact then at 6 wks vanishes. We are at 6 wks of contact. H will be sulking as kids didn’t chase hi and pander to him so he will vanish again. Sad thing is he won’t even see what he has done wrong and it will be the kids fault which then is ultimately my fault as will be something along the lines of how I am raising the kids.

I didn’t contact h re the weekend or re kids. I kept nc. I had to text today re school meeting as advised by our support worker. All I text was “ school meeting at 2pm if you wish to attend. He read but did not reply and did not attend. Never does. Xx

[sparklestar]

Yes I’d love to get back to more Vanisher centric info and updates on this thread - it used to be one of my go to threads being the LBS if a true Vanisher.

Update from me: 2 years and 4 months since BD and XH leaving, Divirce finalised in May this year and all is silent. I don’t hear anything other than the odd bit of info very occasionally through a partner of one of his friends. I don’t socialise in his circle anymore so he really has vanished out of my life. Although he lives in a nearby town with OW and their now 10 month old baby (yes OW did the classic get herself pregnant). I guess what I do know is that the Vanisher is very much still in what we would call ‘replay’ effectively living like a single man, out working, doing drugs and drinking / he developed quite an issue with cocaine from what I know.. I have seen the occasional pic via a friend - the dead eyes are still there, like really there so it’s very weird. I know he is moving in to a big renovation property with his parents, OW and baby - his parents are part funding it selling up their place to do so. It’s just weird. I know that the OW was made to sign legal papers so that she can’t take anything from the property and that she is still very much copying me - renovating the house like I did mine even down to seeking out the same carpenter who did my kitchen. Again weird. It’s like she’s creating a version of my old life - he must think it’s weird to (but of course will just go along with whatever as a classic conflict avoider)

When it comes to further down the line and do I think I will hear from my xH again? I don’t know, he really is the cowardlest person ever, he just disappeared and dropped his old life one day and has I think ended up in another one by accident, I think he wa scarified away with the tide and in too deep.. I’m not interested in reconciling, I would like my vindication, to know that he messed up and is regretful, that would be THE best day. But I’m not sure I will ever hear it. I used to be a hardcore stander, forgiving and adamant I would keep standing. But it’s very hard to love someone who has done the cruelest thing ever. And I see so mich how he wasn’t good for me I need and deserve more than he could ever give. Any happy memories he destroyed. So no I don’t want him back, I’m still hurt and still sad about what was lost but there’s no going back from that. And I have moved on anyway. I have a new partner, we have been together over a year now.  I didn’t think I would ever be able to love fully again that there would always be a piece of me hardened and incapable of softening but I’m getting there. To this day I’m still amazed that I found someone new - I was THE most against it ever and in one night that completely changed so now I know to keep an open mind as anything can happen!

I’m still fascinated by the psychology of it all, still need so many whys answered but then I am the sort of person who likes to understand and have answers yet I know there’s so many things I’m never likely to get answers on. I trust the process and the script to a degree but I guess until you start to see things in your own story or journey it’s hard to fully trust it. And for those of us with vanishers looooong periods of time will pass before we see anything. My guess is I’m right in the middle of a very long period or phase where not much will change or happen but if and when it does I will update!

[nah]

When it comes to further down the line and do I think I will hear from my xH again? I don’t know, he really is the cowardlest person ever, he just disappeared and dropped his old life one day and has I think ended up in another one by accident, I think he wa scarified away with the tide and in too deep.. I’m not interested in reconciling, I would like my vindication, to know that he messed up and is regretful, that would be THE best day.

Yes, it would, wouldn't it?

We have a unique 'gift' with vanishers.  Since we never see them, we get to fantasize what it will be like if we do have that conversation that we crave.

So how do we want that conversation to go?  Do we want to sit with our heads down while he recounts years with someone else while we hoped for his return?  Are we hoping for his gratitude that we so patiently, lovingly, dutifully waited for our one great love?

Firetruck that...

I was one of the lucky ones that, well kinda-sorta, had that conversation.

We had to meet about finances about 3 years after he left b/c he lost his job (meaning... life going down toilet)...
We really hadn't talked since he walked out the door, very few conversations and Hell no, nothing about relationship.  I had zero expectations, maybe a few crumbs if I was lucky.

Let's face it, we were each other's entire life for 30 years, friends, family, acquaintances, it was so easy to start talking about other things then relationship and/or finances and we did...

He opened up about "obsessing" about drinking (he is/was a sober alcoholic), he confessed about trying "edibles' (at first I thought he meant underwear, he meant marijuana...lol),... he just lost his job AND he needed a hip replacement.
Whew... not exactly Mr. Living the Dream, now was he? 

So, when he mentioned "edibles"... (and I thought he meant underwear), I mentioned I was in the mile high club...
omg, his face!! 
He mentioned how my company was expanding (stalk much?),... I shrugged my shoulder and mentioned a few very impressive opportunities. He mentioned the house (now mine, not his) and the impressive renovations (again, stalk much?)...
He mentioned how he didn't like the alimony was going towards me taking my boyfriends (he dragged out the pronunciation of 'S'...  ) on vacations... lol, I loved this most of all, (again, stalk much?).... I said, hey, I can do whatever I please with MY money and then recounted just a few of the places I had been.

There was more, but you get the idea.

The conversation became all about ME and MY amazing life.  The same life that I thought was over when he walked out the door. Who cares if he so very 'sorry'?  Let's face it, if we hear those words, would we believe them?  They have been full of sh!t for years, why would we believe anything they say?

So, if you are fantasizing about THAT conversation, fantasize what YOU can say.

Live such an amazing life that he will be stuck standing there with his mouth gaped open while he realizes that he walked away from an opportunity to be part of something great.

[Rising Phoenix]

That is really how to have a conversation with our mlcer nah. I will remember that if I ever get to that conversation.

I am in a strong place at the moment even with all that is going on with my children. H doesn’t want to engage with support workers or school, fine, I will do on my own as I already have been. H doesn’t want to arrange child access and still just wants to fit them in when he feels like it? No sorry, not how this works any more.

H wants to ignore any messages re meetings or visitation. Apparently he is not rising to it! I call it avoiding! That’s ok, I will inform him and what he does with the information is up to him. H has really made himself look a fool and backed up everything I have said he does and doesn’t do to the support worker as he won’t engage with her either. Ow states parental alienation! Keep living in fantasy my dear. H has been offered that much visitation but doesn’t bother. H is about to lose the last shred of his previous life. His children. I used to be sad that he would miss further school plays and school prom, lost teeth even but now I just think, well h has missed all the best bits and it’s his loss. I’m not tolerating his behaviour any longer.

I don’t need to tolerate monster tantrum or sit and wait for him to contact our children or even turn up and so I won’t tolerate it. H hates me saying no!

H once text that he would be unable to move home on this particular day as sh&t hit the fan apparently and not to be upset as can’t be helped but would be home within the next two weeks and was that ok? I replied NO! H replied what do you mean NO! Exactly what I said NO! H cut contact at my NO. H cuts contact at anything he doesn’t like to hear.

Onwards and up wards xx

[Anjae]

Although he lives in a nearby town with OW and their now 10 month old baby (yes OW did the classic get herself pregnant). I guess what I do know is that the Vanisher is very much still in what we would call ‘replay’ effectively living like a single man, out working, doing drugs and drinking / he developed quite an issue with cocaine from what I know.. I have seen the occasional pic via a friend - the dead eyes are still there, like really there so it’s very weird.

I'm sorry, Sparkle. Yours really got himself into a huge mess.

The dead eyes ... Mr J has had dead eyes for nearly 10 years and his left eye is literraly almost closed. We have been living away from each other for more than 11 years, I get to see pictures at times. We more or less move in similar worlds, but not exactly the same. I saw him by chance here, while out with friends in January. He didn't look good.

To this day I’m still amazed that I found someone new - I was THE most against it ever and in one night that completely changed so now I know to keep an open mind as anything can happen!

I'm glad you found someone new and are able to love again.

At times, early on, a LBS will be very sure they will stand forever and that they are against having someone else. Then MCL keeps carry on with all its destruction and life happens to the LBS.

I trust the process and the script. But know a few MLCers never come out of the tunner, most do, and that there will not be many reconciliations because the LBS had moved on.

I don’t need to tolerate monster tantrum or sit and wait for him to contact our children or even turn up and so I won’t tolerate it. H hates me saying no!

No, you don't. It is his problem he doesn't like you saying no.

[nah]

Ugh... that extra layer of dealing with a vanisher when you have young kids.

No, we can't control their actions, and yes, the kids suffer.

BUT... here's your opportunity to show them what a strong person you can be... I didn't do a great job of this in the early days, but I did get better over time.

I have a very close relationship with my son but my daughter decided that she would follow The Leaver's footsteps. So what do I do?  Same thing, I just live the best life I can live and hope that maybe she will catch up some day.  If she doesn't well, it's her loss.  This Christmas Eve I'm spending with her brother (my son), her aging grandmother (my mother) and all her favorite cousins, and her favorite cousin just had a baby. Where will daughter be?  Well, she didn't spend Thanksgiving with my side of the family, AND she didn't spend it with her father either,... falling out?  Who knows?  Not my circus.

Who is she punishing?

Same thing with you RP, who is he punishing?  Your kids have you, if he doesn't want to be a part of the family that the two of you made, he is most definitely the loser.

[Nas]

They're all losers, in different ways.

I posted these on the articles to share thread, but they apply here because we often question if our vanishers ever think of us. 
These seem to point to the conclusion that if they are suppressing the guilt and thoughts of us, it will surely come out in other ways, but it's not really possible for them to completely "erase" us.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dream-factory/201511/why-unwanted-thoughts-can-invade-your-dreams?amp

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201801/how-suppressed-emotions-enter-our-dreams-and-affect-health?amp

[Anjae]

Interesting articles, Nas.

This stood out to me "We can suppress, medicate and ignore our dreams, but when we do so we may be risking missing out on ultimately necessary and catalytic experiences required at times for personal development."

[In the valley]

I'm very interested in the dream connection.  I had very vivid dreams the night before BD about my X doing bad things to me.  They were almost perfectly analogous to what happened.  I again had a dream recently that my X was acting nice then turned evil and tried to push me off a cliff.  It was like she was drawing me back in to try to eliminate or destroy me completely.  The crazy thing was she was trying to be nice thru text for a bit then went Monster and informed me she was remarried.  Most of my dreams have been good predictors of what was about to happen.  Once again though my experience doesn't mean the MLC'r is having any of the same issues.  I know she has had difficulty with what she's done and felt intense guilt at times because she told me so with out me asking.  I would hope she has trouble sleeping given what she did. 

[Rising Phoenix]

Yep h back to vanished, I’ve been blocked. When tried to inform him of family counselling meeting. Truth darts hurt and then h has a tantrum and vanished again. Another xmas without even a text to his kids. I can predict it! Xx