Author Topic: My Story Rise Above  (Read 581 times)

Offline Ropeburn

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My Story Re: Rise Above
« Reply #20 on: December 06, 2018, 07:51:53 PM »
North
   You sound like you have a good handle on this .

  I just want to war you that by no means leave her alone in the house. If she wants to get her things fine but you have to be there, I would change the locks (that's one of the first things I did). Did I think my then H would steal no,but this thing was not my H, he was already gone.

  I truly hate MLC I mean we just became empty nesters,time for us to have fun....yeah right

  Keep coming here learn from our mistakes and try not to make them..

Offline Treasur

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Re: Rise Above
« Reply #21 on: December 06, 2018, 10:38:00 PM »
Rope's point is a good one, hard though it is to accept.
If you can't be there, or agree a list of things to be left out for her to collect, please make sure that you secure important documents, valuable items of your own or sentimental things you want to keep out of the house. There are plenty of stories here of MLC spouses taking things they shouldn't.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline NorthMan84Topic starter

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Re: Rise Above
« Reply #22 on: December 07, 2018, 08:38:07 AM »
Thanks, Ropeburn and Treasur. I know those points are quite valid and it is a concern of mine that I would leave during this move and come home to find things missing that shouldn't be or things of mine damaged "accidentally".

I'm doing something of a cost-benefit analysis on that whole thing. She had mentioned that she would rent a truck and "hire some people" to actually move the stuff, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the intent is not to hire anyone, but involve OM and some of his friends to do this. If I'm being honest with myself, sitting in this house while OM struts in to take things may be the kind of event that makes me lose my usual cool, even-tempered demeanor. I want to avoid any situation that might make me lose control of my emotions and do something downright stupid.

I think what I may do is confirm with W the furniture she wants and place it all into an otherwise unused room for the moving day. Financial documents are secured in my office (with a locking safe) and I will essentially hide my stuff (guitars, basses, photos, etc) far from that "moving room". That way any damage - should it happen - would be obviously intentional. That may be enough of a deterrent.

I'm doing good with detaching and avoiding the bait she's leaving for me to engage her, but I'm concerned that coming face-to-face with OM may erase all that progress. I've never been a naturally violent man but that would be the exact set of circumstances necessary to prod me to violence and I simply can't risk that.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Rise Above
« Reply #23 on: December 08, 2018, 01:32:37 AM »
Maybe photograph stuff of yours before hand in case you need it documented?

Would it help to have a calm friend with you just in case things get difficult? (We all like to think they would have the decency to not waltz ow/om into the family home, but you're right to be concerned bc a) they lie and b) they sometimes do.)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline NorthMan84Topic starter

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Re: Rise Above
« Reply #24 on: December 09, 2018, 11:26:37 AM »
I like the idea of taking a picture, Treasur. I know the natural tendency for me is to want to trust and believe the basic morality will prevail, but recent history has shown that's not always the case. Even with an even-keeled friend or brother present, I know seeing OM strutting in here would absolutely wreck me. At the moment, all I know about him is his first name, that she apparently met him through a friend and that he still lives with his parents.

Seeing even a picture of this guy (which I have not) will inevitably set off my mind to make comparisons - he's younger, more handsome, more fun, etc. Seeing him in the flesh would only magnify that and I feel would only send me into a bad spiral. I care less about my stuff than I do about my own sanity at this point.

As an aside - has anyone had experience with MLCer coming back into/staying in your life and offering unsolicited advice or trying to dictate how things should be? In brief, I purchased a bunch of Christmas presents for our S4 and was able to wrap and hide most of them, intending them to be from Santa. I had run out of wrapping paper for 2 of these gifts and - since I have him most of the time - was forced to take him with me to buy wrapping paper, so he fully knows what paper we bought together. After I wrapped the remaining 2 gifts with that paper, I thought it would be best just to put them under the tree as these gifts will be from me and not Santa.

W stopped over the other night, saw the presents and asked about them. I explained the situation and she said "I wouldn't do that..." in a rather condescending tone. I wanted so badly to basically tell her I don't care what she would do - she left this home on her own volition and forfeited any input into how things are run around here. I didn't, stating only "oh yeah?" but is this what I can expect? Even with all my detaching, I'm still disappointed that she can pi$$ me off like that in the 5 minutes I see her.

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Rise Above
« Reply #25 on: December 09, 2018, 11:38:45 AM »
North - I'm experiencing nearly the exact same thing from STBXW.  Telling me how much I should buy for D8, telling me now is not the time to buy a house (well, this requires her to buy me out, so I see her issue!)  I've heard a number of controlling comments, also chastising me for being on dating apps, while she is not dating (too bad she didn't behave that way during the last years of our marriage ::))  In the meantime, she says I'm a controlling bully for my desire to stay married.  It's all script, my friend.  You do you, and let her twist in the wind.
M=50
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Rise Above
« Reply #26 on: December 09, 2018, 10:05:00 PM »
Hi Northman,
IMO, Pay no attention to what they say or think you should so. So much of MLC seems to be based in control. They feel out of control, so they try to control others, especially us. validation was my go to. " I see." 'That's interesting."  "I understand" "That's nice." No point in getting into an argument over it, they are throwing out verbal garbage to see what sticks. Once I got my bearings, I always wore my teflon jacket, so the BS would slide right off.

As to her coming and getting things. I know you want to trust. Maybe it will work for you. Mine kept sneaking in during the day and taking things: My chair, spatulas, frying pans, tools, etc. i finally changed the locks and boy, did that make him ticked off. All I asked was that we sit down and split everything fairly. I guess that was too much to handle. I didn't actually get my Aeron chair back until a year later. But he was happy to leave behind all his clothes, brewing supplies, diving equipment and other quality belongings.

As to the blameshifting. I don't think that goes away unless they start coming out of MLC. They can't be responsible to anything bad that happened, so they have to project it onto someone or something else. Again, validation and "Just the facts, Ma'am" saved me from that kind of thing. "If you had only XXXX" was met with. "I see."  Why are you doing XXX?" was met with "Because you asked me to five minutes ago. Is there something else you wanted?" (the answer was always crickets). It took a few months, but once I finally got my sea legs, I looked at my H as an interesting bug in a terrarium. None of what he said was anything I had done (it was usually something he had done) and noe of what he complained about was anything that would have ended a marriage anyway.

You son is only 4, but he can see who left. I have no idea what his time is like with his mother, but he knows you are the safe one. You are doing well to try to explain to him that both parents love him and staying with both of you is good for him. I only hope it is good for him. Your wife's comment that you should beat his a$$ is concerning. What happens if he does something she doesn't like? That's me thinking out loud.

Hang in there. It takes a while, but it does get easier to detach from the situation.  Protect yourself, your son and your finances. And take care of YOU.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline NorthMan84Topic starter

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Re: Rise Above
« Reply #27 on: December 10, 2018, 12:57:02 PM »
Disillusioned - Why do you suppose your STBXW is attempting to control such peripheral things while dragging her feet with the D? I ask because I can imagine my sitch going in this direction. After moving out, she told me she wants D but freaked when I told her I'd spoken to an Atty on my own. Since then, I've decided to Stand and therefore will allow her to file if she wants without approaching her with any R talk. Not a word of any of this has been spoken between us for about 6 weeks now, but I imagine her trying to coerce me into something in the coming months.

Offroad - thanks for the input. I've been working on wearing that teflon jacket and my standard response has basically been "OK" and "Fine". I'm sure - depending on the conversation - I've come across as snarkier and more sarcastic than I should, but... baby steps. As far as what happens to S when he is with her - I can't say with any certainty. Historically, she has been a good mother and patient, but she's been off in the weeds for the better part of the past year in a variety of other areas of her life, so it's really hard to say. Frankly, the sense I get is that she herself does not want to be the "bad guy" in actually striking our son and instead wants me to take on that role because I'm the father and expected to be a disciplinarian.

Thing is, I'm not inclined to spanking S or otherwise being physical with my discipline. Any times I have spanked him in the past have come only after 3-4 verbal warnings and I immediately felt awful. I know it sounds awful, but the other part I have to be concerned with is the idea that she might - one day - try to use that against me. "He beats our S! What a terrible, short-tempered beast of a man!"


Offline NorthMan84Topic starter

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Re: Rise Above
« Reply #28 on: December 13, 2018, 06:04:08 PM »
***Vent Post Forthcoming***
I hate replay. I despise this whole MLC business and what it does to an otherwise caring, respectful and empathetic person. I especially loathe that it has to effect so many innocents.

W decided to pick S4 up from daycare this afternoon which is fine - I always encourage that relationship and it's important he has as much contact with his mother as possible. She then dropped him off at our home tonight, all dolled-up and ready to go to - I assume - a local bar that holds Karoake on Thursday nights. This is something that she's been doing since around the "I'm losing connection with you" conversation a year plus ago and I was always accommodating, knowing the importance of being able to "do our own things", etc.

What's really disgusting me though is that a few weeks ago she sat here crying about not seeing S as often as she wants, needing to find a new job so that she can have him spend more overnights with her at her place, etc. Tonight is a prime example to me that she wants to be a parent, but only when it fits her social schedule. If she's going out, that means she has tomorrow off and therefore could fully keep S overnight... if not for her standing bar night!

I can't put into words how frustrating this is, especially when it concerns our S. I'm the one making sure he's fed, washed, brushes his teeth and calming him when he has nightmares in the middle of the night. She spends 4 hours with him in the afternoon to soothe her own guilt and consider herself Parent Of The Year! It really is like having to deal with an entitled teenager. Unreal.

I have to continue to remind myself at times like this that it is really to S's benefit that he sees her regularly, because - for me - it would be easier I think if she just completely disappeared. At least then I wouldn't have to see her prance back out the door to go play make-believe in front of a bunch of strangers who haven't gone through 1/8 the things with her that I have. I earned the right to call myself her husband - through deaths, family drama, disrespect and real life - yet that's it's the Karaoke crowd she chooses to give herself to.

I know this isn't my deal and there's nothing for me to fix. It's just rather disheartening to see the collateral damage, especially when we're talking about real, living people and not some abstract concept.

***End Rant***

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Rise Above
« Reply #29 on: December 13, 2018, 06:43:53 PM »
I am hearing you NorthMan.  I am struck by how unfair this all is at the moment and how the crap never seems to fall on them.  They are oblivious little wrecking balls at the moment who expect us to stop and change things or help when they cry but they have no understanding of how much we want to cry.

I am glad your little man has a dad that keeps things calm and stable for him.  What a great role model!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D16 and S15

 

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