Author Topic: Discussion Private Messages  (Read 2274 times)

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Discussion Private Messages
« on: November 30, 2018, 06:40:46 AM »
Can moderator’s clarify, please?

My questions is:

Are HS members allowed to publicly share the content (in its entirety, or with info that can identify the sender) and the identity of the senders of PM’s, no matter how old these might be?

It is important that I know a definitive answer to this.
It the answer is yes, I would definitely discontinue using PM’s.

If there are clear guidelines somewhere on HS, would you mind sharing the link with me?

I personally think it is appropriate if sections of PM’s are mentioned in a post to clarify or used as a discussion point to promote learning and sharing with others.  However, I would be alarmed if my PM’s were quoted in whole and with my name attached to it.  That’s just me.  Privacy matters great deal to me.

Thanks!
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Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2018, 06:43:48 AM »
Oops, OldPilot answered my question on the other thread already...  Sorry OP!
Would you mind transferring your answer to this thread, please? 

Thanks!
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Offline OldPilot

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2018, 06:47:30 AM »
Can moderator’s clarify, please?

My questions is:

Are HS members allowed to publicly share the content (in its entirety, or with info that can identify the sender) and the identity of the senders of PM’s, no matter how old these might be?

It is important that I know a definitive answer to this.
It the answer is yes, I would definitely discontinue using PM’s.

If there are clear guidelines somewhere on HS, would you mind sharing the link with me?

I personally think it is appropriate if sections of PM’s are mentioned in a post to clarify or used as a discussion point to promote learning and sharing with others.  However, I would be alarmed if my PM’s were quoted in whole and with my name attached to it.  That’s just me.  Privacy matters great deal to me.

Thanks!


I would think that if you were to do that you would have permission of both parties to publicly publish a PM.

If this happens please notify me of the post and I will take care of it for you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2018, 06:49:00 AM »
Not that I know of. I was a HS tech mod for years and PM were never published on the board. They are private for a reason.

If both sides agree to it, well ... Personally, a PM is a PM. It is not to be shared.
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2018, 06:51:34 AM »
No, no one should EVER make a PM public.  If they do please let OP or one of us.  We can delete it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2018, 06:52:50 AM »
There is no Happy Again member on HS. The private message(s) on that other thread are from another board. Why is it (are they) here, no idea.

That thread is giving me the creeps.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2018, 06:58:16 AM by Anjae »
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Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2018, 07:04:28 AM »
Thank you, OP!

I looked through the forum information pages but I could not find any guidelines regarding PM’s.  If there is one, can someone post a link, please?

I suggest that it is important matter and Private Messages needs to be defined at the top of any guideline to take away any ambiguity that may exist.

There have been cases on this forum recently where insinuation or possible defamation of a member may have occurred.  Though no one can stop this kind of behaviour, a concise guideline may help us in that we can refer back to the guideline and reinforce courtesy and integrity.

May I also suggest that quoting PM’s in their entirety with the username should not be attempted?
I saw some on the Vanisher thread but I stopped reading them as I could see at the top of each post that these were PM’s.   

« Last Edit: November 30, 2018, 07:07:57 AM by Acorn »
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Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #7 on: November 30, 2018, 07:06:30 AM »
There is no Happy Again member on HS. The private message(s) on that other thread are from another board. Why is it (are they) here, no idea.

That thread is giving me the creeps.

Same here, I was alarmed, to say the least. 
It doesn’t matter where the quote came from.  The meaning of the word ‘Privacy’ is universal.
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Offline OldPilot

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2018, 07:12:28 AM »
There is no Happy Again member on HS. The private message(s) on that other thread are from another board. Why is it (are they) here, no idea.

That thread is giving me the creeps.

Same here, I was alarmed, to say the least. 
It doesn’t matter where the quote came from.  The meaning of the word ‘Privacy’ is universal.

I am sorry to say their are no private messages on the other thread.

The words "private messages" are written because when Bren copied the persons ID - the forum that they came from
has a link that says private message, however if you click on the link it takes you right to a public post.

I just did it.

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2018, 07:17:44 AM »
Thank you for clarifying that, OP.  I’m very happy to find out that they were public. 
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Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2018, 07:40:11 AM »
I looked through the forum information pages but I could not find any guidelines regarding PM’s.  If there is one, can someone post a link, please?

I don't think there is one.

The meaning of the word ‘Privacy’ is indeed  universal. I was only saying that member was not from HS.

Thanks, OP. Didn't click on the link. Didn't want to touch it.

The thread still creeps me - can´t see what it has to do with vanisher or what people that have been gone for two years have to do with pretty much everyone on HS.

The matter or PMs and what is been happening of late, list of members on a black list in PMs, etc. is scary.
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Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #11 on: November 30, 2018, 07:45:10 AM »
The following comment stands:

There have been cases on this forum recently where insinuation or possible defamation of a member may have occurred.  Though no one can stop this kind of behaviour, a concise guideline may help us in that we can refer back to the guideline and reinforce courtesy and integrity.
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Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #12 on: November 30, 2018, 07:51:17 AM »
I looked through the forum information pages but I could not find any guidelines regarding PM’s.  If there is one, can someone post a link, please?

I don't think there is one.

Thank you, Anjae, for investigating the matter for me!

list of members on a black list in PMs, etc. is scary.

That’s exactly what I’m referring to.  That is below the belt and needs to be discouraged in no uncertain terms.  The general guideline on HS covers it (be loving) but not specific enough in this case.  ‘Black list’ smells more like ‘black mailing in public’.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2018, 07:52:20 AM by Acorn »
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Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #13 on: November 30, 2018, 08:03:04 AM »
Thank you, Anjae, for investigating the matter for me!

You're welcome, Acorn.

‘Black list’ smells more like ‘black mailing in public’.

Given who mentioned the black list, Mego, and that I was called a mean girl by her, I am certain if such list exist my name is on it.  However, there is nothing to black mail me in public, or otherwise, with.

I am blunt. That is not a secret. I am also logical. That is not a secret. I tend to notice when things don't add up. Again, not a secret. I call a spade a spade and I tell people what I think openly.

It is also not a secret that I didn't enjoy being a mentor and prefered HS tech work. Therefore, when I was a mod, a quickly become a tech mod.

None of that means I am not caring, loving or kind. Just that I don't say "all is well" if I think all, or something, is wrong.
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Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #14 on: November 30, 2018, 08:10:17 AM »
I, for one, very much appreciate your direct honesty.  Your empathy for those in pain is plain to see, however, you will call a spade, a spade.  Not something one want to hear but necessary impetus to move forward.  You are welcome to apply that impetus on my thread any time!  ;D

I believe reputation is my property but, more often than not, controlled by others.  That’s why I’m rather set on the idea of a well spelt out guideline re PM.  I guess that’s the ‘bee in my bonnet’ right now.
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Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #15 on: November 30, 2018, 08:15:03 AM »
You are welcome to apply that impetus on my thread any time!  ;D

Thank you, Acorn. You don't need it. Not that I have noticed it.

I believe reputation is my property but, more often than not, controlled by others.  That’s why I’m rather set on the idea of a well spelt out guideline re PM.  I guess that’s the ‘bee in my bonnet’ right now.

Agree. A good guideline for PMs is very important.
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Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #16 on: November 30, 2018, 10:58:36 AM »
An update on Forum Information from Old Pilot:

“Based on a conversation from another thread I will post this here which should be OK with RCR.

Personal Messages are "Personal" so they should not be republished in public with out both parties permission.

If anyone has a problem with a particular post giving out information that is yours and you consider personal,
then please notify me.”


This is helpful, OP.  Thank you!

There is a question of misusing PMs to attack a person, or use the fact that one received like minded PMs to merely bolster one’s opinion (“see, I got all these PMs supporting me”) without revealing the sender’s identify.  In my mind, both are reprehensible.  No idea how that can be discouraged, hence, my request for PM guidelines.
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Offline OldPilot

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2018, 11:10:09 AM »
There is a question of misusing PMs to attack a person, or use the fact that one received like minded PMs to merely bolster one’s opinion (“see, I got all these PMs supporting me”) without revealing the sender’s identify. 
In my mind, both are reprehensible. 
No idea how that can be discouraged, hence, my request for PM guidelines.
I have no way to read someones PM's if I am not included in the address.
RCR has said that it is very difficult to do this from an administrative point of view.
And NOT something that she has really ever done.

So it really becomes hearsay and like you said there is not much we can DO about it

I mean I could call you a PINK/PURPLE colored person and the only thing it is - words.
There are no ACTIONS behind it.
So like the MLC'er - believe nothing that is said and half of what is done.

I will just re-peat again if anyone has an issue with a post please notify me or a moderator.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #18 on: November 30, 2018, 11:16:56 AM »
It may be reprehensible, but like OP said, there is no way of reading PMs.

When we (we mods) wanted to know what had happened to Coffeedrinker, a LBS who had terminal cancer, and stop posting, we though there could be some info in PMs she had exchanged, like hospital, etc. But there was no way to read them.

Unless a Big Brother system is installed on HS, PMs cannot be read by mods or administrators.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2018, 11:29:25 AM by Anjae »
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Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #19 on: November 30, 2018, 11:24:07 AM »
I’m not referring to monitoring PMs, God forbid, but quoting or mentioning it in a negative way in public, here on the forum for all to see.

I will just re-peat again if anyone has an issue with a post please notify me or a moderator.

I hope many are reading this. 
May I humbly suggest to all that we report pronto any abuse of the PM system to OP, be it revealing private information or misusing it as an attacking point?  That would cut down on unhelpful continuation of the discussion.  When left unreported it may lead to free-for-all, and I believe it compromises the integrity of the forum. 
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Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #20 on: November 30, 2018, 11:35:33 AM »
I’m not referring to monitoring PMs, God forbid, but quoting or mentioning it in a negative way in public, here on the forum for all to see.

That can be done. Like OP and Thunder said, if such thing happen, let OP or a mod know. They can edit and delete posts. They can also close and archive threads.

May I humbly suggest to all that we report pronto any abuse of the PM system to OP, be it revealing private information or misusing it as an attacking point?   

Or to a mod. Every post had a "Report to moderator". By clicking it, all mods will be notified.

One important thing to have in mind for all reading. Mod/administrators have a lot to do. There is a lot of tech work going that members do not see.

It is important not to allow abuse of PMs, but it is also important not to overload mods. What I am trying to say is, use the function when necessary, but don't over or misuse it.
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #21 on: November 30, 2018, 11:37:16 AM »
Will do, Acorn!   :)

You can also send a "Report to Moderator" right from the post you want looked at, if you feel it is inappropriate.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Thunder

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #22 on: November 30, 2018, 11:38:10 AM »
Great minds, Anjae.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #23 on: November 30, 2018, 11:40:37 AM »
Thank you all!
I see that ‘button’ all the time but refrained from using it till now.
I think I will be less so from here on out.
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Offline OldPilot

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #24 on: November 30, 2018, 11:48:14 AM »
Thank you all!
I see that ‘button’ all the time but refrained from using it till now.
I think I will be less so from here on out.
Just for the record - I am the one that usually handles these.

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #25 on: November 30, 2018, 11:56:36 AM »
Just for the record - I am the one that usually handles these.

Poor OP...  ;D
You may hear from me in the future!   
This is my invaluable go-to help centre and I, for one, will not be standing idle when abuse and misuse of this fantastic system called, PM, occurs in public. 

My heartfelt thanks to OP and all the moderators who put in many, many hours to help those in need.  Without your guidance, I would not be where I am.   :-* and (((((((HUGS)))))))))
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Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #26 on: November 30, 2018, 01:21:22 PM »
It looks like the best course of action is to report any abuse and misuse of PMs to the moderators.

I was really hoping for a general guideline to materialize at the end of our discussion...

Well, I’m no word crafter, but here is what I imagine a simple guideline may look like:
(OK, don’t laugh and feel free to edit and have some fun with it.)

The PM feature is an important communication tool for many members of the forum.  There are private and sensitive issues that cannot be aired in public but need to be discussed via PM.  It can be a lifeline for some.

Please keep the following points in mind when using this invaluable system.

1.   Private messaging is PRIVATE.  The identity of the sender and/or any information that leads to identification of him/her is not to be revealed on public forum.

2.   Use PM for only for its intended purpose: to ask for help from, and to support, other HS memebers.

Caution: Using it as a leverage to accuse or defame, even if the sender’s identity or the content are not revealed, is unacceptable and must be avoided.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2018, 02:45:04 PM by Acorn »
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Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #27 on: November 30, 2018, 03:53:55 PM »
I like it, Acorn.

Maybe OP can show it to RCR?
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Offline BrenM

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #28 on: November 30, 2018, 04:33:41 PM »
Best way is for all members to refrain from using PMs as a way to attack or abuse (either directly and/or indirectly) another HS member.  It should be a code of conduct for all members.
Maybe if the receiver of such a PMs are encouraged to report it to Moderators.

I know I have received several PM's from many people (unfortunately including moderators)  but I have made it strictly clear (in the reply and on public postings) that I do will not participate in any childish girl/school yard antics!   In my honest opinion...if you do act this way you will get caught out - irrespective what your motive is. 

I know some people are scared to post on certain topics because of negative feedback from certain posters.  I am unsure how the moderators handle this...but this behaviour certainly is not in the best interest of HS as a support forum.  Bullying is unacceptable in society and should be frowned upon everywhere....even our HS forum.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2018, 04:35:04 PM by Brenross »
Me 47
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🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

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Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #29 on: November 30, 2018, 04:47:14 PM »
Best way is for all members to refrain from using PMs as a way to attack or abuse (either directly and/or indirectly) another HS member.  It should be a code of conduct for all members.
Maybe if the receiver of such a PMs are encouraged to report it to Moderators.

There is no way of reporting messages. The people who exchange those messages like to do it/receive them and brag on the board about it. Like the black list story. It was all over certain threads and the person was letting everyone know about it.

I know some people are scared to post on certain topics because of negative feedback from certain posters. 

If you are talking about me, there is no need to be afraid of me. I don't call people names, etc. However, I don't lie and don't make things rosy when they are not.

Feedbackwill not be positive. We don't tell people what they want to hear to please them. That is something that RCR also does. Have you ever read her coaching? It can be found on another part of the board. Same for the articles, RCR can be very straighfoward and often does not tell what people want to hear. Same with HB.

Also, people saying posters are scared of posting is as old as HS. It is a bit like the black list, everyone heard about it, but is it true? Maybe.
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #30 on: November 30, 2018, 04:50:42 PM »
"I know I have received several PM's from many people (unfortunately including moderators)  but I have made it strictly clear (in the reply and on public postings) that I do will not participate in any childish girl/school yard antics!"

Good for you, Bren.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #31 on: November 30, 2018, 04:53:25 PM »
I agree with Anjae on this. I've been here almost seven years, and there's never been some major issue with someone using private messaging for anything other than intended that has erupted into anything on the forum other than this mysterious black list rumor. And who cares? We're all dealing with enough as it is. Private messaging is such a universal tool now in most apps and platforms, it seems self-explanatory that 99.9% of posters are going to use it as intended. I've had to ask mods how to block or ignore posters before and they've directed me to the tools, so that handled that. I think this might be something that there's really no reason to fear or invest a lot of energy in. It's been fine all this time.
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Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #32 on: November 30, 2018, 04:59:13 PM »
It's been fine all this time.

It has. Turning PMs into Big Brother is not the way to go. They are private for a reason.

I agree with Acorn when it comes to share private messages on the board. That is a no.
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Offline BrenM

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #33 on: November 30, 2018, 05:27:52 PM »


There is no way of reporting messages. The people who exchange those messages like to do it/receive them and brag on the board about it. Like the black list story. It was all over certain threads and the person was letting everyone know about it.



That posters behaviour was definitely unacceptable!  I don't know if I should feel privileged or have FOMO issues because I was excluded.....that is an intended joke!  Though this person obviously needs support, I do hope they return. 

Maybe a review of the Terms and Conditions when joining needs to be revamped/modernised.  Since the beginning of HS some things have changed.

A reciprocant can always report inappropriate pm behaviour to moderators. 


If you are talking about me, there is no need to be afraid of me. I don't call people names, etc. However, I don't lie and don't make things rosy when they are not.


Not everything is about you Anjae....I certainly do not fear you and find you very dogmatic at times based on your experience. Your tone does vary frequently, I just ignore when you become somewhat passionate.

At the end of the day we all can only really offer advice/comments based on our own experience and respectfully understand that our own circumstances and experience do not apply to every other LBS.   As long as we are supportive, respectful and compassionate and open to understand the issue at hand we are helping.  As I previously mentioned I could never comment on your Abuse thread as I have no knowledge and more than likely never would understand or comprehend a small percentage of what you have experienced.  Likewise with many other issues that I have no experience with - irrespective what the topic is.  I have children so I can't comment on LBS who have no family with the MLCer...the dynamics are totally different. If I have no experience I just don't comment period....I do read some threads out of interest, but don't comment.

I was actually referring to recent posts on Watchers thread.  I did actually comment at the time.  Some of the conduct by several people was far from compassionate and supportive!  We all don't really understand the full extent of the goings on.  Watchers journals only depict what he is venting at the time.  The issues at hand that is on his mind. Yet some of the comments were just plain opinionated.  The assertiveness of some posters forcing their opinions onto him.  Watcher knows his situation best, and Watcher will decide what is best for him and his family when Watcher is ready....i was gobsmacked at the number of "self confessed"  doctors we actually have on HS.  What Watcher needs is support and an ear to vent.  This poor man is going through hell...he doesn't need any more added stress and confusion.

« Last Edit: November 30, 2018, 05:31:56 PM by Brenross »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #34 on: November 30, 2018, 05:53:24 PM »
Maybe a review of the Terms and Conditions when joining needs to be revamped/modernised.  Since the beginning of HS some things have changed.

Maybe a review of the Terms and Conditions when joining needs to be revamped/modernised.  Since the beginning of HS some things have changed.

Makes sense. OP and RCR can think of one.

Yes, a person can forward the message to moderators. I was talking about the "report to moderator" feature that posts have and PMs do not.

I mentioned myself because I know someone really does not like me. It is public, she leaves it clear. Also because I am blunt and that may be a little scary. But I don't call names, nor have black list nonsense, etc.

I am more logical than passionate. May look passionate, but it has more to do with accuracy and facts. What I really don't like is when people downplay physicall abuse. Or financial one. Emotional one we all suffer since MLC in itself is emotionally abusive.

Think Nas, her husband walked on her when she had cancer and left her pennyless. Can't say the man deserves much sympathy. At times we try to excuse what has no excuse. MLC is an explanation, but not an excuse.

And look at One Hot Mess' husband who is constantly taking her to court for no reason. That type of things is too much. And different from a MLCer like RCR's husband.

Watcher has a very manipulative wife that says things that don't add up. She is not coming out of her fog. That was left clear in his recent posts. What some of us saw was what was to come and warned him.

Many of you saw the situation as a waking up and encouraged him allow her to get close. It was not. It was mania. She send him 200 plus texts in the last days or day. She is all me, me, me. One day she says one thing, the next another. Nothing makes sense.

It is not the normal awakening of a MLCer. It is something else and it is not pretty. He is saying he is feeling confused and needs a break and NC.

People were assertive because of times that is what is required. Encouraging Wacther to allows his wife to manipulate and play him, as she did, and end up leaving him upset is not helpful.

She is back to her usual tricks. There is probably more than MLC with her.

I know you were all well intended, but for those of us who have been around for long, it didn't look like a good thing. And it wasn't.

I and others have been following Watcher's story from the start. He need to vent, but nodding our head and say "go for it" does not help him. Keep his life and his distance helps him. And the boys. Get sucked inside that black hole again does not.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline BrenM

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #35 on: November 30, 2018, 06:43:34 PM »
Anjae

If you are referring to me not liking you...you are very wrong!   I actually feel very sorry for you...everything you have endured and been through.  I think we both know that you are not the hardened woman that you come across as being. I have never met a bitter abused woman - they are normally timid and placid and ironically very considerate of everyone but themselves.

Whilst you can show compassion on many posts there are other posts where you reply with tones of arrogance and dogmatism.  Your posts do come across as though you are inferior to many - not all but many posts where you disagree with someone.   Then you throw out the logic and experience card.  I understand where your negativity has come from on some posts, but cannot understand your motive in intentionally hurting LBS's who like yourself are already hurting with the cynical, bleak, fatalistic, and somewhat dismissive advice, based on your personal experience and situation. 

Like I have mentioned previously several times - everyone's situation is unique and needs to be treated accordingly.  Your marriage to Mr J and yourself, along with its destruction is vary different to every other posters.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #36 on: November 30, 2018, 07:51:06 PM »
Watcher, like everyone here, is grown. No matter how much we encourage or discourage ANYONE - ultimately we are all just strangers on the internet and the LBS is the one who will make decisions about what they want to do. If a person was discouraged from giving their marriage a shot because we told them not to, that would be awful. Not just because we are not qualified to give that sort of black and white advice (especially because our advice is based off of anecdotal input from the LBSs, but also because it would show the LBS was not healthy enough to make their own life choices. I don't think anyone who posts here is that lost. Many, like Watcher, also work with ICs and professionals as well as use this forum for support, so we alone are not their only input. It is still unclear what will happen with his wife, and as we all know too well, will likely be unclear for a very long time. He has time to touch and go with her - if he CHOOSES. Like we all individually choose. Only he can judge if it was a bad thing or not that they reconnected, but I suspect he got more positive from it than negative. We're all, in the end, just feeling our way through.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Online Treasur

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #37 on: December 01, 2018, 02:03:05 AM »
There may be benefit to reminding everyone about the importance of respecting the privacy of PMs. I don't know but am happy for the mods to make that call.

I am also conscious of the funny side spins of an online community like this. That sometimes like in kindergarten a flash of 'bad' behaviour gets a lot of attention. That we have things in common but also many differences between us. That tone is difficult to judge online. That not all LBS are saints. That we have strong emotions and sometimes sensitive sore spots, good days and bad days. That more mature posters see things in the situation of a newbie that they want to shout 'please take cover' but also know that the newbie simply may not be able to hear or accept. That it isn't always easy to balance hugs and emergency sirens. That it is natural, if not always accurate, to see things through the filter of our own experience and values, maybe even our own hopes for our own situation. That as LBS we need different kinds of support at different stages and bc of who we are as individuals. And that sometimes the feedback that hurts can also be something that triggers a step forward.

For me - and I speak only for me - the greatest gifts of HS are its compassion when we are in deep pain that our RL folks might not get and the reassurance that we are normal and not insane or doomed, even when we feel like we might be. That we do have choices when we feel like we don't bc others have walked this path too and survived it.

I guess for me there are two guiding principles. If I have the right to shout 'take cover', you have the right to ignore what I say. I might say it once or even twice in a different way, in case I wasn't clear, but then I need to respect your right to think and do as you see fit. And that I should try to treat you with respect and compassion, and if I fail and you say so, I should apologise rather than defend myself, let it go and move on.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2018, 02:08:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #38 on: December 01, 2018, 02:06:46 AM »
No, I am not refering to you not liking me. Only one person on HS does not like me. She also does not seem to like anyone.

Wacther isn't thrilled with how things went/are going. Of course he is a grown up and can choose. We can only advice.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #39 on: December 01, 2018, 01:38:00 PM »
I have but one suggestion. Report it and walk away from the crazy. No different than any other thing in life. We can't control what others do, so make sure that anything you say you wouldn't care if someone posted it somewhere.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline BrenM

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #40 on: December 01, 2018, 01:48:43 PM »
Only one person on HS does not like me. She also does not seem to like anyone.



Your MLC traits are still running rampant....there is way more than one...your in denial with rubbish justifications.  You just don't get it or wish to listen to others.

I have but one suggestion. Report it and walk away from the crazy. No different than any other thing in life. We can't control what others do, so make sure that anything you say you wouldn't care if someone posted it somewhere.

Totally Agree 100% ....just like text messages - they can be copied and forwarded to many without the original posters permission.....it's not about privacy.  With any type of technology/social media people need to be vigilant and accountable  of their actions at all times.  Peoples actions and true personalities always come to the surface.....undesirable and socially unacceptable behaviour,  comments, manipulative mind games will always come back to haunt you.  Warning to all  - bullies/b!tc#es/stirrers will always get caught out!   
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Watcher

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #41 on: December 01, 2018, 02:18:28 PM »
I stumbled on this thread. I hope my PM's stay private. Oh my goodness. My PM's can be something else.  ::) hahahaha. Some people know.  ;)

Then I stumbled on this conversation. I appreciate input and advice. I was willing to take a chance on contact with W because you have to be. How else will I know ? I live in NC and it had been 8 months.

I can't emphasize it enough how much I miss her. I really do and it's not easy. Obviously I do better with NC but it's not a life for me. It is but it isn't at the same time.So I have to take chances at times and let her in.

She said all the right things. She didnt ask me for financial assistance. We enjoyed ourselves and I really enjoyed being with her. We did normal things. Nothing grandiose. I spent some money on taking us out. I believe she enjoyed herself.

Yes there were moments of obvious mania. We slept alot. I should say she sleeps a lot. 7pm is nighty night time. We tried adult things and it's not how healthy people connect. She has a ton of issues.

You know I'm willing to take a chance on her but unfortunately she is very ill.  :-\ Believe me I cant explain her darkness at times. I love her and it breaks my heart because I don't think we will make it.

Her problems are really bad and I just don't see an end in sight. I love her and I love myself and I know I don't want this to be my life. It's just sad. I have to put myself out there. I probably will do it again and again but eventually we are going to run out of time.

I do want to be in a healthy relationship with a woman and I don't believe its going to be her.

I know I was neglecting our son's so I had to take a break and I think it was mutual. I offended her fantasy lover.  ::) Sorry, lol.

So I have to focus on myself so I can continue to focus on our sons. I want to be with a woman and its becoming a want. I want someone in my life. Maybe these encounters push me forward.

I do appreciate the advice. It's not always easy to accept at times. My heart wants more but my head knows I have to stay away from her. Very sad situation for me.

The aftermath of 27 days of constant contact is difficult. I've been adjusting to separation all day. It will take me time. In 42 months that's an earth shattering record for us.

I always measured our contact in hours. 8 hours in 2017. 8 hours in 2018 prior to November. Yea we don't have much contact. It is what it is. IDK. One day the crisis will end for me at least.

Thanks

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #42 on: December 01, 2018, 02:32:37 PM »
I stumbled on this thread. I hope my PM's stay private. Oh my goodness. My PM's can be something else.

They will stay private. Unless someone posts them. A thing that is not to be done. If it happens, with yours or anyone's PMs a mod will be informed and they will be removed.

Hope it does not happen to anyone. PMs are private and much remain that way.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Treasur

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #43 on: December 01, 2018, 02:33:26 PM »
Watcher, you just made me smile and cry a little at the same time.
Yes, it is very sad.
Yes, NC is easier and your head is being wise. Same for me.
And yet, I miss my h and talk to him in my head most days.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #44 on: December 02, 2018, 07:27:34 AM »
It is kinda sad when there has to be a thread asking if PRIVATE messages are supposed to be shared.  :o

Granted I don't have a whole lot of PM's but the ones I do I would never consider sharing...I thought that was pretty obvious. ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #45 on: December 02, 2018, 09:20:08 AM »
Ya think?   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #46 on: December 02, 2018, 09:57:55 AM »
It is kinda sad when there has to be a thread asking if PRIVATE messages are supposed to be shared.  :o

Granted I don't have a whole lot of PM's but the ones I do I would never consider sharing...I thought that was pretty obvious. ::)

I agree.  What part of PRIVATE is unambiguous?  None.  It’s common sense.  However, common sense can be not so common, nor sensible, at times.

One of the reasons for starting the thread was shared on the 1st page of this thread and OP clarified it. 

The other reason was about using ‘other people have told me’ (obviously PMs) statement to insinuate, and even defame, a person’s character, all in the cause of advancing one’s point of view.  I sincerely believe that this indirect way of abusing PM system does not promote integrity of the forum.  This happens from time to time, some of them recently. 

I’m sorry that there is need to discuss the matter of PM, seeing that we all have suffered much in a similar manner (character assisination, belittling, immature and indirect bullying) at the hands of MLCer.  We should know better. 


« Last Edit: December 02, 2018, 10:03:18 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #47 on: December 02, 2018, 10:10:03 AM »
Maybe we just need a new emoji as a standard response to anyone silly enough to do the 'lots of people have PM'd me to say you smell' thing???  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #48 on: December 02, 2018, 10:15:48 AM »
Maybe we just need a new emoji as a standard response to anyone silly enough to do the 'lots of people have PM'd me to say you smell' thing???  ;)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Acorn, nothing wrong with starting the thread. It is an important issue. Just sad it was necessary.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #49 on: December 02, 2018, 10:23:13 AM »
Anjae, I’m glad this thread exists.  No regrets whatsoever as it generated a follow up question, which was indirect misuse of PMs.  May we get to a place where no emoji needs to be invented for ‘other girls told me you are not nice.’

It there needs to be an emoji for this type of elementary schoolyard behaviour, I’m sure UM will come up with an appropriate one.  Maybe a GIF.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #50 on: December 02, 2018, 10:38:42 AM »
I don't know if an emoji needs to be invented. The idea is so absurd it is funny. Yes, UM will come up with an appropriate one.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #51 on: December 03, 2018, 05:37:22 AM »
I was gonna post the Gaurdian's of the Galaxy finger jack in the box gif...but not entirely sure if it is ''appropriate''.  ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #52 on: December 03, 2018, 05:48:58 AM »
Mort, somehow I knew you would come up with a good one.  lol
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #53 on: December 03, 2018, 06:52:03 AM »
Where A-R-E you, UM?  We need 2 new emojis and a GIF or two.

One to use as a shorthand for primary schoolyard type ‘People told me you are mean’ comment
Another one for appropriate adult reaction to it.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #54 on: December 03, 2018, 06:52:48 AM »
Mort, I would love to see it.  I guess I can google for it.  Don’t want you to be censored or anything.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #55 on: December 03, 2018, 07:07:45 AM »
Where A-R-E you, UM?  We need 2 new emojis and a GIF or two.

One to use as a shorthand for primary schoolyard type ‘People told me you are mean’ comment
Another one for appropriate adult reaction to it.

I just stumbled on this thread... If you were looking for me to join it, you should have PM'd me...

OK, how about

or

for the first one

and



or

for the 2nd one...

or maybe (click the link to see it - NSFHS)
https://media.giphy.com/media/1LnQKc4eh8BP2/giphy.gif
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #56 on: December 03, 2018, 07:11:51 AM »
 ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #57 on: December 03, 2018, 07:12:32 AM »
I was gonna post the Gaurdian's of the Galaxy finger jack in the box gif...but not entirely sure if it is ''appropriate''.  ;D

It is quite cool, but don't think it will be allowed.

 ;D
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #58 on: December 03, 2018, 07:24:19 AM »
😂😂😂 and more of the same for the link.  I can see you saved yourself from being reprimanded, UM.

How about using exisitng emojis.

For ‘People told me you have a lotta cooties”: 💩
Reaction to the above: 🤮
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Nas

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #59 on: December 03, 2018, 07:30:14 AM »
This thread is making me laugh. And as the only HS member I believe who has ever been outright told that I am on somebody’s top secret “cooties” list, I think I will wear that as a badge of honor. 😂
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online Treasur

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #60 on: December 03, 2018, 07:46:02 AM »
Not sure you're the only one, Nas
But I like the emoji!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #61 on: December 03, 2018, 07:53:02 AM »
When ridiculous things happen, one of  best way to deal with it is perhaps to have a good laugh about it.

Nas, if you are on that list, it must be a really good one.
I just put myslef on it, too.  I don’t want to miss out.

Here is the Cooties List:

Nas
Acorn.

Please feel free to add your name to the list. 


Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Nas

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #62 on: December 03, 2018, 07:56:11 AM »
😂😂😂
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online Treasur

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #63 on: December 03, 2018, 09:17:42 AM »
Oooh, great company...I volunteer for the Cooties List too  :)
Remember, I'm sure my xh could tell you what a dreadful life-ruining kind of person I am bwahahaha

Nas
Acorn
Treasur
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #64 on: December 03, 2018, 10:27:18 AM »
Welcome, Tresur, to our Cooties List!
Your H has no idea what an honorable list you just signed up for.  His loss.  :P
Bwahahahah, indeed!
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #65 on: December 04, 2018, 12:11:27 AM »
;D ;D ;D and more of the same for the link.  I can see you saved yourself from being reprimanded, UM.
exactly.... I take NO responsibility for someone elses clicking finger after they have been warned....

How about using exisitng emojis.
For ‘People told me you have a lotta cooties”:
Reaction to the above: https://smileyshack.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/sgiving-the-finger_100-111.gif?w=150&h=123
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #66 on: December 04, 2018, 12:53:24 AM »
That was  ;D ;D ;D
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Private Messages
« Reply #67 on: December 04, 2018, 12:32:27 PM »
Thank you, UM, for the emoji and GIFs!

Here is your reward:

You are hereby granted an honorary membership on the ‘Cooties List’

Nas
Acorn
Treasur
UM
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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