Author Topic: My Story THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8  (Read 2342 times)

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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My Story THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« on: December 03, 2018, 07:45:53 AM »
We have been in communication this morning. On Saturday afternoon I removed every item belonging to my inlaws out of MY HOME !!!! I was kind and placed it in my yard. No one was home other than S15.

I checked this morning. If any items had been returned to MY HOME it would have been packed up and sent to the dump by me.

All the items remained in the yard and sat in yesterday's soaking rain.

I texted W a response finally. I reminded her of how I was treated last Christmas. She has no recollection.

W has informed me that her parents are out and she is helping them depart immediately. W says there will be no repeat this Christmas.

Break the Wheel. I did.  ;D  That's a Games of Thrones reference. I was alone in the house this morning and moving was underway all weekend.  ;D

Round one over finally. I will change the locks upon their departure and they will never again be permitted in MY HOME !!!!!

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10495.0

« Last Edit: December 03, 2018, 01:26:42 PM by Thunder »

Offline BBhelp

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2018, 07:53:04 AM »
Let's hope she can pull it off and they finally hit the bricks!  Praying for you man.

Stay Strong.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

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Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2018, 08:39:57 AM »
Hi BBHELP.

There is a lot that I don't post. MIL has been a constant fixture in our home since 2013. We had marriage problems or depression problems. MIL has never left our home during the crisis. Her husband has at different times. W wouldn't give her mom up. Meanwhile MIL grew emboldened throughout the years.

I needed my W to finally turn against her mom. The opportunity finally came to fruition this Fall. Look I have been through way more hell than I ever reported. There was an incident the day after Thanksgiving where MIL pushed me a few times. That was it for me. BIL and W were notified from the police station. They had a decision to make. Get rid of her or I was pressing charges.

I began removing items from the house that belonged to me. All the TV for example. Computers, etc.. On Saturday I removed all their belongings. TheIr beds, which are mine, we're being removed this week. Like I said, I'm done.

So I know it's sincere because this woman has never left and I needed my W and her cooperation. It took her a long time to come around and I seized the opportunity. All I was doing was getting changed in my home for the gym that morning. Usually I get changed in the car at the park. I didn't feel like doing it that morning. It is my house afterall.

It's been a long time coming. I'm sorry to say but this woman is pure evil. She bizarrely takes care of our son's but she does not care for W nor I. We have both put up with way more than we ever should have. Like I said, my W needed to come to that realization about her mom on her own terms and I believe she finally realized it.

Now I have no clue what that means now. IDK what's going on with us. One step at a time. She wants me to be a full time father and I don't know what she means. So like always, I will take it day to day.

This one is a small victory finally.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2018, 11:03:27 AM »
I was going to just talk about my upcoming 1st half marathon this week. It's the 1st of 4. You get a cool medallion and all 4 medallions interlock to make one super medallion.

She definitely has thrown a monkey wrench my way this morning. I have a ton of questions for her but I'm not texting. I'm going to let her sort this out.

We are going to be parents and assume full responsibilities over our children. IDK any specifics. I know she doesn't cook nor does she do laundry. I guess she can learn. Let's face it, she is no mom. Picking up and dropping off the boys at school.

Apparently we are going to coordinate our schedules and we are going to figure this out Watcher. So it's a lot to take in. Again I'm leaving her alone. I guess she will fill me in on my new parental responsibilities when she is ready.

I went to the gym this morning and then work. I don't want to see the inlaws during this transition.

We shall see what happens.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2018, 11:06:33 AM »
Return to the bird's eye view, Watcher. You've done a great job of making one choice with the in-laws. Making choices for yourself can be addictive and effective in other areas, too. Right now a lot is going to be ramped up and manic because of the in-law dynamic. Let the dust settle and operate from a clear mind!!! SELF FOCUS!
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2018, 11:43:33 AM »
Break the wheel. I like it!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2018, 11:54:28 AM »
Yay you!

Yes she can learn and so can your boys.  Cooking a meal or washing a load of clothes is not rocket science.  Maybe they can learn together.

Let's hope having her mother gone will take some of her rage way.  Some anyway.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2018, 12:05:15 PM »
Hi Ready2Transform, KIT, Thunder.

Ready2,  I replied this morning to her text from last night. That was it. She sent me a series of 4 texts this morning and I'm not responding. A response was really not needed. She was laying things out for me.

I plan on not sending her any texts nor visits. I'm going to let her handle it from here. I saw enough evidence at the house this morning to know its happening. So I will step back until she reaches out again.

I work late this week so I really cant see the boys anyway until I have a night off but even then I think it's best to stay out of sight.

IDK she did send me smiley emojis. Hahahaha.

 My W was furious with MIL over the day after Thanksgiving encounter. It was just another nail for MIL who continually displayed that she did not want peace in our home.

Of course it's not rocket science. She did cook and do laundry like 15 years ago, lol. So she will have to shake off the rust Thunder.

Thanks

Offline Brenross

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2018, 04:26:22 PM »

We are going to be parents and assume full responsibilities over our children. IDK any specifics.


Awesome move Watcher....I like the attitude of Watcher in Thread 8 👏👏.  Time for Watcher to get his family back in order....with or without your Wife.  It is now up to her to do some work,
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online in it

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2018, 04:41:36 PM »
 :o ;D ;D ;D

Well I must say..I didn't see this coming but you gotta do what you gotta do in regards to getting those two out of the picture.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2018, 05:16:57 PM »
Hi Brenross, Init.

We talked a lot. She does talk normal mostly. We spent a tremendous amount of time talking. She gave me a pep talk at some point. "Reclaim your family, reclaim your role, reclaim your home".  I just listened and filed it away. There was just so much stuff that she threw at me.

Friday she hinted that they would be gone after the Holidays. It surprised me because we had not discussed their removal. So Saturday I texted and let her know what I was doing regarding their belongings. She never responded.

This morning when I saw the items still outside I assumed she was in agreement. I sent her the text about last Christmas this morning. I told her I forgave her for how she has treated me but I was never forgetting it.

She claims no recollection about last Christmas but she thanked me for my forgiveness. She then told me she was removing them from our home. It really has everything to do with her. She finally had to make that decision. So now I will leave it to her to execute.

I never saw it coming either. There had to be a falling out. That's the only way it could happen.

We haven't physically seen each other or talked since early Friday morning. I think we will be quiet for awhile. Then again 27 straight days was a bit much.  ::)

MIL did herself in by getting physical. First by hitting her daughter and then pushing me that day. MIL is a desperate person who has lost all control. She can't handle that her daughter broke free and she blames me.

If anything comes of this, I'm just happy for my W that she broke free from her controlling abusive mother. That's to be applauded. Just that one aspect because she still is an abuser herself. One thing at a time.

Thanks

« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 01:55:58 AM by UrsaMajor »

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2018, 06:46:54 PM »
Hey Watcher,

I am with Thunder. Your wife can very well get used to "real life" responsibilities like cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, paying bills. Her mother provided all these services to her, you paid her bills and she did her nails, hair, had enough time to have a second life on internet, and soulmates.

Your sons need to learn basic life skills as well. Like doing their own laundry, cooking simple meals, mowing the lawn, and fixing minor things in the house.

I taught my D11 how to cook simple meals. Now she comes from school and once a week cooks something for me and her brother, even if it is simple eggs with veggies, or mac and cheese (which I do not like but eat nevertheless if she makes it). I work two jobs and take care of two young kids full time. I made my kids active participants in my strive to reclaim myself professionally.

Take care, Watcher.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2018, 07:26:55 PM »
LOL Karm,

Your asking for a miracle, hahaha. Yes I agree with you and Thunder. She is trying and she wants to try at least.  However, she has so much holding her back. That internet addiction will be there long term. The astrology and psychics dictate her life.

I really mean they dictate her life. She really believes in signs. To me they are normal occurrences. That night we last went to a hotel they had 2 twin beds in the room. She said no way was she allowing the universe to prevent her from being married.

That's how she viewed it. The 2 beds meant she couldn't sleep with me. The universe prevented it. So she marched down to the lobby and got us a queen bed. She showed the universe who was boss. ;D

She takes that stuff very seriously. Everything is a sign. She has a looooooooong ways to go here. LOL...

The inlaws are step one. That has to happen and then I think it will be just her and the boys. She is not ready to be a mom. It's not going to happen right now. Shes not ready to be a wife. She wants me to be ready to be a father.  ::)

I saw no evidence in 27 days of interaction that she is ready to be a mom. She hardly interacts with the boys and it is going to be an adjustment because MIL did everything for her and the boys. The boys are going to have to adjust.

All her problems are still there. She wants me in the boys life and hers. IDK did I prove myself for a month. Did I pass her audition. Now I can be a father in her eyes. I thought I've been a dad throughout her crisis.  ::)

If anything, as long as I can get quality time with the 2 boys then it's a win. I'm going to have to show them how to do things. She is still me, me, me. I can't lose sight of that.

Unfortunately she had the kids for 42 months and counting so its going to take time to figure things out. You have to remember I basically see my sons 1 hour a day Mon thru Fri. This is going to be an adjustment for me and I'm the sane one.

I have no expectations of her. She has her own timetable and that's how it has to be approached. I keep saying she has a very long road to go. Years.

There is no way that she turns it around that quickly. Its impossible. With the stuff I see, it's just no way. The fact that we are communicating is a miracle. Baby steps.

Have a good night

Thanks


Offline Whyus

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2018, 10:41:20 PM »

Your wife can very well get used to "real life" responsibilities like cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, paying bills.
YES, first all These normal Things and then IF SHE HAS TIME maybe Internet BS! Not the otherway around. Internet BS and no time for responsibilities. You cannot let that happen Watcher, she wants you to step up so she has to also. She seems to be calling all the shots, still telling you what to do! You have a say in this too even if it is all her. You dont have to accept that anymore, a new start, new rules. Easy. Good luck.

Your sons need to learn basic life skills as well. Like doing their own laundry, cooking simple meals, mowing the lawn, and fixing minor things in the house.
This is a must do, ist maybe too late though. They should be able to do those Things already, especially S18.

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
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Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2018, 02:06:32 AM »


THAT is excellent news....

And, if one can read and use a measuring cup, one can learn to cook.... it really is NOT "rocket science" and that is coming from someone who IS one......

Laundry and all that are also doable.... Might be slow going at first but it CAN work out....

Me - 55
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Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
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BD#1 - August 2015
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Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2018, 02:46:29 AM »
Hi Whyus, UrsaMajor.

Again you expect her to be a functioning healthy woman already Whyus. It's not happening.

We still live separately and we are not in a relationship. There are no shots to call. People have Free Will. This experience has taught me that no one or no thing can be controlled.

She has to figure life out for herself. Right now she is all about being online. That hasn't changed and it's not going to change for a very long time. If ever.

Look she has grown quiet. I know where her mind is at currently. We will see if she gets out of it and cycles back to me or not.

She is in a constant battle with herself. Fighting her desires for OM and her new life philosophy versus her children and her husband. It's very real. I see it playing out.

Right now she is feeling the pull of OM, meanwhile her children are pulling her in another direction. That is her battle currently as I text. Fantasy vs Reality.

On top of that battle she has to get rid of her parents. There's a lot swirling around for her at the moment. Like I said, I know where her head is at currently and we will have to wait and see if she works her way back to me.

Thanks

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #16 on: December 04, 2018, 03:01:43 AM »
Watcher,

This is very much like a Marathon... One step at a time.... and one important step is to get rid of the IL's.... I hope that is really the case, regardless of the time it takes her to make the next step... Breaking out of the abuse cycle is critical for ANY abused person as the first step to healing... As for the rest, that is future stuff...

But if you can influence your boys, show them how to cook, do laundry, be self-sufficient, there is even less of a need for MIL to try to return.... and less place for her to do so if she tries...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2018, 03:48:58 AM »
I sure agree, as long as they don't end up doing everything for their mom, like her mother did.

They just need to learn to take care of themselves.  It's not like you won't be around to help them with anything major.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2018, 03:59:41 AM »
Hi UrsaMajor, Thunder

That's how I approach it. The removal of the inlaws is a major event. Again MIL took over our family in stages. It was gradual and it was too late by 2012 when I finally noticed it. She has been in our home since 2013.

For me this has always been issue #1. We cannot get to the crisis with her in the way.  Anything that grants me more time with my son's is a positive. I'm hoping to have more time with them.

I agree if I can show them how to do things that would be great. The roadblock has always been MIL. Always.

They need a positive role model in their lives and who do they have other than me. I agree with you that it's a Marathon.

She is always back and forth. Like I said we had that lewd discussion last Monday and she has been shifting that way ever since. I still enjoyed the 27 days and that is huge. That just doesn't happen in our crisis.

The boys are the key. They are keeping her in reality. She will not win mom of the year but she does want the best for them, albeit I have to do all the work. Again, yes she deprives them of me, but I'm her antagonist in her mind. I'm preventing her new life.

We will see if Christmas cycles her back to family and reality. I give space and time. All that she wants. I'm great at NC. The flip side, though, is she lives with our sons. It's a balancing act. I'm not barred from the home but I also don't want her to see me.

So if I can be a full time father then she can have her crisis without interruption. Yes, the inlaws first or no more Watcher.

We will see what happens.
Thanks

Offline TryinSoul

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2018, 05:34:52 AM »
Watcher

Are you trying to go to all four races?  When will the super medallion be completed?

Ts
All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2018, 05:46:08 AM »
Hi TryInSoul.

Yes. This Sunday will be #1. Then February, April, and October 2019 will be the next 3 legs to complete it.

I have entered a lottery through my running organization for the NYC Marathon next November and I am also seeking an exemption through my employer to run in that race. The NYC Marathon has a lottery system to enter. One cannot just show up as there are just too many applicants.

My employer has a few slots to give out every year so that is most likely my best option. So the Marathon is my overall objective for next November.  ;D

We had one employee compete this year that I work with and he finished at 4 hours and 30 minutes so myself and my CrossFit/Work partner are chomping at the bit now to run ourselves.

Thanks
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 05:51:29 AM by Watcher »

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #21 on: December 04, 2018, 02:45:48 PM »
I saw the boys today briefly. I have all the college financial aid paperwork done and accepted. S18 has his teacher recommendations set. He went with his English teachers since he will be an English major. Good move.

He just needs to do his personal letter and we are set with him. He cleared up his pre calculus issue. I don't remember if I mentioned that earlier.

S15 doesn't want to do wrestling anymore. They showed him a competition video and he is scared. He also wants to lose weight and the school wants him to maintain it so he can compete at a certain level.

So he informed his mom who failed to notify me. I informed the Athletic Director because I need to recoup money that I have invested. I may get him into Kickboxing since he wants to drop weight.

I will try a free class with him to see if he likes it. Inlaws belongings remain outside and garbage is still being thrown out.

I noticed W has a work salary judgment against her. It arrived yesterday.  So she will lose 10 percent of her weekly gross. So I know she is not happy. Therefore I will avoid her like the plague.

My schedule was altered this week so I just finished the gym. We have a holiday for Pres Bush, so double gym session tomorrow. Squad Christmas Party on Thursday and another double gym session and off Friday with another double gym session.

Team Christmas Party in 2 weeks. Everything pretty much shuts down in December. ::)

So this week works out for me as I prepare for the half marathon on Sunday. I work on Saturday so that will be my rest day.

I did remind the boys once again that they need to contact dad about school issues or anything else for that matter.

Tri colored Quinoa is my new obsession.  ;D

I have to go shower and then do some mirror work and then eat since I'm hungry.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 02:50:01 PM by Watcher »

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #22 on: December 04, 2018, 04:04:47 PM »
Aw I'm a so sorry about you youngest sons decision about wrestling.  Maybe getting him into a kickboxing session will boosters his confidence.

The English major for your oldest sound like a great idea.
Has he made any decisions as to where he wants to go after graduation?

Do you start with basketball this week?

Watcher there is nothing you can do about the work salary judgement against your wife.  She is going to have to feel all the consequences of her choices and inactions over the last few years in order to get herself some help.  No one can save her.

Only she can decide to save herself.  All you can do is stand back.  As hard as that is.
Her fantasy life has to stop and maybe when things get bad enough she will finally realize no one but herself can save her...or change things.  IDK

Have a good night, Watcher.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #23 on: December 04, 2018, 04:20:20 PM »
Hi Thunder,

S15 was obviously scared and he was apprehensive telling me. Wrestling against your friends is one thing. Actual competition is a whole other matter. I have a meeting on Monday the 10th about basketball. It should start around the 14th I believe. We will give the Kickboxing a try. Now with her retreat we will see if her angry behavior towards me comes back.

S18 falls on me. We have a few schools where he will apply and we will see what aid or grants they offer.

LOL its not hard at all Thunder. She will eat her debt and I will gladly stay out of it.  ;D. This was a court judgement and it appears to be a done deal.

I thoroughly enjoyed being with her and I would love if we could ever work this out but the debt is hers. Financially she is very scary and I have to protect myself and our son's from her.

Yes I agree about the fantasy life. It needs to end so I won't contribute to it any longer. It all rests on her shoulders when she wants to get help. For the moment she chooses to remain in fantasy. She doesn't want to face the music. BTW she has 2,000 dollars in toll road violations. She laughed about it.

Have a good night.

Thanks

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #24 on: December 04, 2018, 04:42:15 PM »
OMG, that is too funny. 

They apparently don't care much about the toll fees.  No wonder she laughs.

Any violations like that here they would have a bench warrant out for her arrest.

 :)

Oh well not your circus.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #25 on: December 04, 2018, 04:46:30 PM »
Watcher,

Was your wife always this cavalier with money. She seems to have no concept of value nor does she understand financial management basics. She should start financial management for dummies on-line group instead.

I believe you wrote that she bought $8000 worth laptops for 2 kids on loan from her retirement. Didn't she buy laptops last year too. Why your kids need such an expensive laptops?  $8000 is a lot of money for someone who has garnishment judgement against her. I work with a laptop (4 years old)  that costs $600 and it works fine. It does everything what I need to. I also repaired the screen on my phone and use that. Again it works fine.

I am happy to know that you have more access to your kids Watcher.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #26 on: December 04, 2018, 06:09:30 PM »
I'm not surprised of the attitude toward finances. It's what I dealt with for 20+ years from my xH. I was able to dismiss it as just not being taught or needing to grow up when he was in his 20s (even though I was younger than him and was fine with money management). But when I learned more about the bipolar brain after BD from studying, I came to know any reconciliation with him would have to accept that this is who he is. Even for someone committed to treatment, it's recommended someone else be the money manager for them. If ever your W receives a diagnosis, you might want to be prepared that this might be part of her life that never just falls into place. And even if it's MLC, like with male MLCers, they don't reconnect fully cooked. I'm not really saying this for you, Watcher - I just think maybe there's too much expectation here on your thread that your wife is capable of just stepping up and being a logical mom. She may someday, but it's likely not going to be a reflex action to Watcher moving home.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Brenross

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #27 on: December 04, 2018, 06:27:04 PM »


S15 doesn't want to do wrestling anymore. They showed him a competition video and he is scared. He also wants to lose weight and the school wants him to maintain it so he can compete at a certain level.

So he informed his mom who failed to notify me. I informed the Athletic Director because I need to recoup money that I have invested. I may get him into Kickboxing since he wants to drop weight.

I will try a free class with him to see if he likes it. Inlaws belongings remain outside and garbage is still being thrown out.


What does S15 want to try Watcher?  I get the opinion that you would give anything a go...maybe here is an opportunity for you both to bond further...via sport/fitness.  Try a few/many sports out together....who knows where this will lead.   

My S22 - who now competes professionally in MMA and holds the No. 1 position for his weight division in Australia - was bullied in year 10 (when he was 15).  We got him into JuiJitsu basically to learn some  self defence skills.  Well he loved it and has advanced now to MMA and cage fighting (he loves kickboxing, Muay Thai and JuiJitsu in particular).  It is now his passion. Our decision to put him into JuiJitsu changed his life and my understanding of the sport.  I once thought it was just basically street fighting with no skill required.  How wrong was I! I have a thorough appreciation of the traditional beliefs and traditions each code of MMA uphold and represents and how each competitor shows respect to tradition. It is such an analytical sport with quick thinking strategies required.  His discipline towards himself and others is exceptional.  All his gym members, opponents that he fights in competitions, coaches and almost everyone he has come across in this sport  are all professionals from well paying jobs and are extremely family orientated people. Far from societies rift raft that I had assumed it was.  He is extremely fit, health conscious beyond, psysically strong yet he is the most softest hearted person I know...yet can handle his own in the cage.   Sorry for waffling...but things tend to fall in place for our kids (sometimes with a gentle push in the right direction).


Sorry to ask again....I am just curious...but how did your Wife go at the Psychiatrist?  I just pray that she gets the help she needs - counselling or otherwise...so that you can get your family back on track!
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 06:29:56 PM by Brenross »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #28 on: December 05, 2018, 02:52:57 AM »
I agree Ready2Transform that there appears to be expectations here at times. We are not getting the perfect specimen back. We are getting a damaged person back. They are allowing us a glimpse in their lives and it's not pretty.

If we wait around for that fully functioning person to come back then we will be waiting forever. I accept she is damaged and I'm willing to take a chance with her damage. Again I can role with her new life changes. They don't scare me. She may never want to be a mom again and that's ok. I can't force her to be a normal mom.

TBH I think she is scared of me.  ;)

Again we can accept she is mlc or mentally ill but in the same breath she needs to be a functioning woman who needs to have evey answer for me for every situation. I think the key word is acceptance. It needs to be found.

 Compassion. Understanding. IDK. This person has destroyed themselves. You know, this person we fell in love with, married, had children. How can I take it personally when I clearly see she is destroying herself. Her life is superficial. Where is it getting her ? She is not getting ahead in life. She works, plays on her phone and hangs out with her 70 yr old mom throughout her crisis. Sounds like a blast.

Yes she brought laptops last year for the boys and she dropped 8,000 on new ones. They are high end gaming laptops. Our sons are gamers. She may buy them new ones again. She is depressed and she has impulse control issues. Again I've lived with a depressed woman since 2003. This isn't my 1st time with this dance. I've been living with it for a very long time.

She never was a fully functioning woman and she never is going to be. Nevertheless I accept her with flaws and all. I always have. It definitely hasn't been easy. I'm sorry it's who I fell in love with and depression controls her life. She was fine from 1989 to 2003.

While I was with her in November she was showing me she could be responsible. We were running around paying her bills with her money. She pays bills in person. I didn't ask her to show me. She just wanted to.

We held a joint account for our 1st 4 years of marriage. In 2003 she broke free and opened her own account. That was also the year depression started and the "horrible" marriage began in her words.

I kept that joint account open straight through BD until she started bleeding me dry. She took out money for years from it for gas or lunch. She is my wife afterall and I didn't care.

I earn more money, almost double than her, therefore my financial responsibilities are larger. She does have financial responsibilities that she has to pay. She finds a way to do it. I have always paid the mortgage alone. I never had a problem with it and still don't because our 2 son's need a house to live in.

She spends money poorly and she always has done so. She screwed up and she has to swallow this bitter pill now. Financially it will continue to get worse. She has no credit cards nor credit. This is the 2nd work judgement now against her that I know. It's going to keep piling up. She doesn't even have money to pay for her bankruptcy.

We are not talking so I have no clue about therapy. She asked me to remain being a dad on Sunday night via text. She informed me the parents were leaving Monday morning via text. That's it. I don't speak to her unless she wants to talk.

All that being said, I have a double session at the gym today. I have 260 classes attended as I have entered the start of month 11. I continue to work on my body and mind. My abs continue to develop. I was seeing 6 of them last night.  ::)

So I still have to join my weight lifting gym. I have high school basketball. I have kickboxing. I have the half marathon next week and in February. Dierks Bentley in March. Half Marathon #3 in April. I'm looking at New Orleans for Feb. Expedia sends me great deals.

I get a raise in Feb and I have a loan paid off to free up more money. One more year on a student loan and 2 more years left on a BD loan where I saved her car. Her car payment was 900 a month and she made that transaction in 2009 without me. I had a BD decision to make at the time as she faced repo and she had my kids on the lam in Florida.

So I have to keep going for myself and our 2 son's. There mom may catch up one day.  ::) Or not.  ;D

Thanks everyone
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 02:56:25 AM by Watcher »

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #29 on: December 05, 2018, 04:34:04 PM »
Today I was off from work and had a morning session and evening session at the gym. So I knocked out 1900 calories. I am constantly doing laundry. I'm throwing my energy into the gym at the moment.

Organic steel cut oats are ruling my mornings right now. They have no flavor so you have to add protein powder. I have vanilla and chocolate protein that I use for my after workout shake. Today I picked up peanut butter flavor protein powder primarily to use for the oatmeal. Someone at the gym put me on oatmeal. It gives it some flavor.

Tomorrow I will repeat the morning/evening  gym session. I do have my squad Holiday party tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. I haven't been to one in years. Being around people was not my objective during this crisis. Again I'm slowly returning to life here in 2018.

I just started cooking myself dinner. My sister dropped off food for me on Sunday. I haven't cooked dinner really throughout the crisis. I know that sounds weird being that I'm on my own now 9 months. I went food shopping and I'm forcing myself to cook. It was usually just work, briefly at the marital house, gym, to bed. I eat out while I'm at work.

I saw the boys. S18 and I have a yearbook issue to figure out so I had to touch base with him. I talked to the wrestling coach and he said S15 was doing great and he can always go back if he changes his mind. S15 told me he may go back but he is obviously intimidated. I'm not pushing him.

No changes at the house. Everything still sits outside in the elements. I passed by the marital house on my way home from the gym tonight and W was home. I think I would have been taken aback if she weren't but her going out options are limited. I know she needs time to organize her parents departure and she is dealing with her mounting financial problems.

I don't believe I will hear from her until Christmas approaches. If she blows off Christmas entirely then we know she is back in the tunnel. I have heard nothing about this new parenting plan but like I said she has other matters on her plate in addition to her usual online nonsense.

I recommended the break via text last Friday. November was a whirlwind month and I have to get organized again. I'm not necessarily missing her as I just need the time off. Obviously I think she needed the break herself. Once these parents do leave IDK how we work on the particulars. Now that I'm away from it, the time together was a lot. I have to gear it more towards our son's next time. I cannot just run with her wildly.

So now I have to eat, finish laundry and go to bed.

Have a good night
Thanks

Offline TryinSoul

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #30 on: December 05, 2018, 08:25:57 PM »
Sounding good Watcher. 

I think that last part you said is quite meaningful.  You run a bit wild with her, then “ok, timeout, I am going to take care of our boys now”.  You are the only one able to lead this family right now.   I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking the reigns and showing her how it’s done. 

Ts
All that counts, is what comes next.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #31 on: December 06, 2018, 02:58:32 AM »
Hi TryinSoul,

As much as I loved being with her and enjoying some irresponsible behavior myself, I have to ensure that S18 finishes up strong and graduates. We made it to 3.5 years of high school on our own so I can't have her fouling up the finish line and I still have tuition to pay.

Apparently I can enjoy irresponsible behavior myself but my 2 boys come first. I don't always want to think of them first forever. Always be in protection mode. I believe I still have to be in that mode for a few more years. It's a role that she relinquished  and she is not going to reclaim it.  She spends almost no time with our son's.

They do talk to her and she overly exaggerates her enthusiasm. Primarily they just see her in the morning. If she comes home after work by 530pm she pretty much goes to bed by 7pm.  She occasionally may take them out on the weekend. Usually just S18. My S15 doesn't like leaving the house.

She has a lot of aspIrations for our children but she no plan of action. She will tell you it's all about herself. She wants no responsibility. She just wants to run free. She wants to be free.

I want to run free myself. Running free with her is very intoxicating. I can get used to it. Like I said there's a lot that I love about her world. We have a great time together.

Thankfully our son's have me and my head is centered and focused on them. Any stretch of NC does not scare me because I have to get S18 graduated. So my life is kind of on hold for these 2 boy's. Someone has to be a responsible parent I guess.  ::)

Thanks

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #32 on: December 06, 2018, 06:31:41 AM »
Watcher that is  exactly where I am. My H wants no responsibility and barely sees our S st all. And since I live with our S while H  lives God know knows where, I am all S has. So yeah, I understand the life on hold thing. These kids have no one but us. I like to think it is a blessing. But it does get lonely. You are sounding really good!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #33 on: December 06, 2018, 07:23:11 AM »
Hi KIT.

Yes it is a lonely road at times. She made it clear plenty of times throughout November that it's about her. She has to love herself first, focus on herself first, self love. It's about me Watcher.

The important thing is both boys love her and they interact with her. I know W loves them both but she cannot function as a mother. She does want the best for them but she is depending on me to do all the work.

The night she broke down crying she told me you always have been my best friend, my only friend. I believe her and she is so scared that she is going to lose me and the boys will lose a father.

Meanwhile she is stuck in this black hole and she constantly is being pulled in another direction. She needs me to be the rock for our family and she fears I haven't been lately. I have pulled back since I left in March. My boys have nothing to worry about but I'm done alleviating her concerns. I am keeping a distance. Our son's are fine and that's all that matters.

I believe she is done being a mom. This spring they turn 19 and 16. Realistically how much more time will she have with them. She is missing out. I'm missing out myself but I'm doing what I have to for them.

I do have an ego that does get bruised at times. I'm left wondering at times about how much more can one take. I can be a father with no problem. Meanwhile I have a wife who is pretty embarrassing. She needs constant attention but not from her family.

For the most part her online group consists of women with a sprinkling of men but they are all in the same boat that is taking on water. Unfortunately she chooses to spend all day online. On FB I may post twice a week for a total of 5 posts depending on my run schedule or gym info. She posts 100 times a day. It's overwhelming and constant. That's how she spends her day. She has 3 FB, 1 Instagram, and a plethora of groups. It's a lot.

Her need for constant online male attention from strangers is alarming. I saw it on display at my gym. She doesn't know how to be around men. She misinterprets normal behavior. Makes it out to be more. She has serious self esteem issues. The online men fill her need. They are flattering I guess. They do hit on her.

As you know yourself, we are all our children have during this crisis. I think I have a couple of lonely years left.   ::)  It does make me question. Is it fair when or if they come out of it. We are doing all the heavy lifting while they are on vacation.

Enjoy your day

Thanks

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #34 on: December 06, 2018, 12:29:39 PM »
I don't drink so the holiday lunch was 3 hours and out. Pretty much it's just an office politics event. The drinking crowd stays late into the night and I prefer to work on my abs.

So it's been quiet. Today is already day 7 of quiet. She has tested me online and I have ignored saying anything to her. I know she wants a reaction. So this morning I sent her a text to test her and this "parenting" objective.

I informed her that I spoke to the wrestling coach, the athletic director and S15 yesterday. I let her know that S15 is always welcome back, and the coach praised his abilities. I let her know it was S15 decision and I respected it. In other words I applied no pressure. I respect his choice. That was it. No response for hours. Again I was just testing her reaction.

She replied. She does this thing where she writes "Liked" and writes out my text in quotes back to me. She did that a few times back in November when I sent her texts.

IDK I guess she likes that I informed her about S15 and the way that I handled the situation. I guess. I have no other reason to text her so that will be it.

LOL with this crisis already.  ::)

They adjusted my heart monitor at the gym. My workouts were previously based on a maximum heart rate of 181 beats per minute. That's based on my age. I was working out too good so they adjusted my rate to 198 beats per minute. So I think my numbers are going to be lower. IDK why they elevated it so high.

 I will test it out and see tonight but this mornings numbers were low with the adjustment. In other words they raised the performance bar so now I have to work harder to achieve my previous results. I know I hit 181 a lot and that was the max. IDK about 190's. We will see.


Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #35 on: December 06, 2018, 12:35:55 PM »
"Like" is what you do on fakebook.  LOL 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #36 on: December 06, 2018, 12:50:51 PM »
Hi Thunder,

That's exactly what I thought. So it feels like I was auditioning to be a husband in November and now she wants me to audition being a father in December. Also audition that I'm not going to bother her about her online bahavior. IDK. Stupid games.

Meanwhile I have been both while she has neither been wife nor mother for 42 months. I can ignore it and remain calm. It just demonstrates her continued immaturity as if I have something to prove to her.

My crossfit co worker is selling me on crossfit. He says that's where I will get the shoulders, arms and chest. I'm going to look into it. My contract is up at the completion of January.

He says I will be intimidated at first but then again what isn't intimidating about life. I will think about it.

So I'm going to head out for session #2

The real funny thing it was a long text. She retypes it back to me. Its rearranged and has misspellings. LOL...Hahahahaha.


« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 02:03:29 PM by Watcher »

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #37 on: December 07, 2018, 01:45:44 PM »
So I had no work today. I skipped the gym this morning. I basically had to bring myself to utter exhaustion last night at the gym since they changed my workout standards. 198 max heart rate is like impossible to reach. I can hit 181 and that's exhaustion levels.

The instructor was cheering me on but it wasn't happening. With her encouragement I did hit 198 for like 1 minute. OMG I thought I was going to pass out. She was like that's how you have to work out now. LOL, it's not happening.

So I will have average numbers until the system recognizes I can't handle the new benchmark in a couple of months and it will return to normal levels again.

 Everything is computerized. I guess the system believes I'm 26 instead of 46. It's just a man with his ego thing. I still burn the same amount of calories. I just cant hit the red zone anymore because they placed it out of reach by raising the bar. One gets more MEP's for being in the red.

So I went for a haircut instead and dressed like a man in jeans and boots for once. Afterwards I had to show off my manliness at various places.  ;D As always I look good btw.  ;)

I stopped by the house and took the boys out for lunch as they had no school. S15 apologized about the wrestling. IDK why. I told him it's no big deal.

Everything is still outside. I did see the wicked witch in passing cars. She did a quick u turn and hurried back to the house when she saw my car. IDK why. Her daughter has her rattled, not me. LOL... She is scared of her daughter.

So I know they are still on the outs. Daughter won't let the belongings back in the house. She was in and out and left. I noticed she doesn't have keys anymore. One of the boys had to let her in.

So its quiet with W and it's fine. I said I wanted December off afterall.  ::)

So one gym session tonight and work tomorrow. I have to rest up tomorrow for Sunday as I tackle this half marathon. It's supposed to be 36 degrees and sunny. So that is pretty decent weather for running long distance.

I have a basketball meeting at school on Monday and that starts next Friday. So I will add that for the next 3 months to keep me busy.

I did say my hair looks good, right.  ::)  I have to entertain myself somehow. One day I'm going to look back and say, WOW, those were some fun days. Hahahaha.


Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #38 on: December 07, 2018, 06:29:29 PM »
I'm a numbers guy so gym was Blah, Blah, Blah. This is my 2nd stint now with this unrealistic computer, lol. My psychiatrist may have to talk me down from the ledge. So its going to be a rough December for me.  :-\

So I came home and had dinner and then I did some dumbbells. I have to lift some weights. So I took a shower and then I did mirror work because I NEEDED IT !

So I am 10 full months at Kickboxing now. I have 6 defined abs forming. I actually see and feel the 6. I was feeling myself up all day at the mall. Sometimes I just walk around touching and feeling my stomach. I know, there is something wrong with me.  ::)

So back to the mirror. BTW, the new haircut makes the mirror work look soooo much better. I have stubble too. It adds to it.  Anyway, 6 defined abs with all the lines. I have to get rid of like a centimeter of skin over the lower four.

So I'm excited. I think that's great for 10 months. So I will use the 6 month calculator for my abs also going forward. They are going to be smoking hot by June but I do have to make sure to keep this haircut.  ::) And stubble. And blue eyes. I noticed my eyes really pop in the winter cold.

IDK if my eyes pop in June the same way.

So my CrossFit buddy can go pound dirt. Yes he has arms and shoulders but he has no abs. He eats too much and has a stomach.  ::) LOL

I like my abs better. I have plenty of crisis left to work on my arms.  ;) See its moments like tonight when I just say, crisis on baby. Don't rush back. Hahahaha.

I have other interesting body parts or regions but right now the abs have my attention. My stomach is solid. Just a little more work.

OK I wore myself out. My shoulders and abs are both on fire. That's a great feeling.

Before I get anymore self centered I better go to bed.   ::)

Have a good night.
 

 

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #39 on: December 08, 2018, 04:42:52 AM »
So I am back to full NC and I have placed the block back on my phone. I'm tired of trying to figure out her motives behind certain behavior.

She is behaving like she did last December. She didn't say anything to me per se. However there is just no need for her current stupidity. Again IDK the point other than to discredit me or publicly distance herself from me.

Maybe she has to cover her tracks again because co workers or family members saw us together in November. Again I don't need to play her game.

So she can enjoy her Christmas with our son's and I'm not participating in any manner. I'm just going to role in NC until there is no further need I guess.

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #40 on: December 08, 2018, 06:17:32 AM »
I'm sorry Watcher.  So many games.

I guess just stop playing them.  She is just so hot and cold, isn't she?  One week she is showing you off, having a great time with you, then the next she's back to putting you back in the enemy camp again.  With no good reason.   ::)
It has to be exhausting.

Do you think she's cozying up to her mother again?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Wonder no more

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #41 on: December 08, 2018, 06:21:57 AM »
Sorry to hear this Watcher,  It's not an easy thing this back and forth.  Each time though, you bounce back faster and learn something from the interactions.  Maybe it's meant to help you let go more or maybe it's to show you that you need more patience.  Only time will tell.  This is why so many LBSs give up because unfortunately most MLC take so many years to resolve and there is no way of knowing if your marriage will make it in the end. It's a lot to ask of the LBS.  Again the dreaded time thing...time is on your side.  I understand the Christmas thing but don't forget your sons.  They are victims in this also.  You can always get gifts from you and take them out somewhere to give them to your sons. Even if your W destroys them or returns them, your sons will always know that you tried. 

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #42 on: December 08, 2018, 07:05:52 AM »
Hi Thunder, WonderNoMore.

I don't believe she is cozying up to MIL Thunder. Yet. I agree WNM that maybe November stands as a good reminder of her many issues. Yes, maybe I need to be more patient with myself and not run like I did with her so easily.

I have reached that conclusion myself that it is asking a lot of me and I have told her such. We both did discuss divorce.

She can have her crisis. I need to improve my quality of life in the meantime whether we remain married or not. I am level headed. I saw and heard enough from her to know this situation is really bad.

The Christmas thing is difficult. Yes I will get them gifts but that will be it. I don't live there and I'm supplying no tree nor decorating.

I believe conflict with her mom and her work disability/medical coverage being dropped caused her to seek me out. It was stressed induced. Where is my rescuer kind of thing.

The financials are really bad. So I'm going NC and she will have to deal with it no matter how manic she becomes. I knew enough to call for a break last week. It's really bad.

So I'm giving myself 6 months to finish out the school year. I do need something from her at this point. The parents definitely need to be gone from our lives. It's not a simple house issue for me.

All that being said I anticipate she will be manic at some point prior to Christmas.

Thanks


 


Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #43 on: December 08, 2018, 04:15:03 PM »
I did see S15 today at home. We talked a bit. Tomorrow I have the half marathon. I have no clue how to run 13.1 miles. So I will find out tomorrow  ::). My longest run to date is 7.5 miles and that was an extended 10K a few weeks ago in the mountains.

So that's a bit short. LOL.... I will take it slow. I'm going for 10 min a mile. I'm not looking to break any records so 2hrs 30min is my target. 2 hrs even is considered very good but I'm not pushing it tomorrow.

It's all a learning experience. So I will see what my body can handle tomorrow in beautiful Central Park. I'm lining up at the back of the pack for this one.

Have a good night everyone.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #44 on: December 09, 2018, 11:18:09 AM »
So I finished 2:24:19 with a 11:01 pace. There were about 3000 runners and I started at the back. I took my time and never stopped not even for water. The weather cooperated. Sunny and probably 30. Cold but good for running.

I knocked off the 1st 10 miles easily. I was surprised. Then my phone battery hit critical at mile 10.5 It was fully charged and its a Samsung so that's a pretty decent amount of usage.

So I had to sacrifice my music.  :-\ I kept my running app open so it could inform me of my pace and distance.

At mile 11 my legs started to feel it. At mile 12 my thighs were next to feel it. Surprisingly I looked on my phone app afterwards and miles 11-13 were my fastest. I think I just wanted it done.  ;)

I had no issues running. I never stopped running nor did I even contemplate it. My breathing and lungs were fine. No stomach cramps. So I was good. It's just my legs that began to feel it. I probably could have made it to 16 or 17 miles as I was not moving at a blazing speed at 11:01

It's all strategy and you have to set your pace. There were 4 killer hills but I had no issue as I just took my time.

So I received a beautiful medallion afterwards. The half marathon is not going to be difficult going forward. I think I can do the marathon. It just has to be approached differently. That's still a year away and my legs are not ready as of today.

I have no legs left for the gym tomorrow. They are exhausted. I would like to eat but I'm already laying down after my shower and the sandman is calling.

So I'm going to take a well deserved nap.  ;D

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #45 on: December 09, 2018, 12:01:12 PM »
No music!!!?   :o  I think that's against the law, isn't it?  ha ha

Well you did good.  You're actually doing really going when you don't even have to stop for a water break.
Do you drink any of the energy gels while you run?

Congrats on the metal, Watcher.  Wish we could see it.  Their all so unique.   :)
The Marathon metals are the best.

Ok rest up RUNNINGMAN.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #46 on: December 09, 2018, 02:31:44 PM »
LOL Thunder,

No music is a crime. IDK how I finished under those stressful conditions. Hahaha. The phone holds up for the 10K and obviously 5K so I did wonder how it would handle the half marathon. So I didn't take too many pictures either today.

I should look into those energy gels especially for this distance. Compression socks and arm sleeves are also popular I've noticed.

So that was probably the last race for 2018. I did end up with 32 for the year so that was not too bad for my 1st year. I will probably have just as many in 2019. I probably will balance them out a little better and their are a few that I'm not repeating.

I'm sure there are new ones that I will find. I started in April but I ran only once and then again once in May. I didn't take flight until June. I'm going to be more selective with my choices.

I still plan on running 5K, 10K, and all the other levels in between. 4 mile, etc....I have the 3 half marathons(Feb, Apr, Oct) and then we will see if I can get an exemption through work for the NYC Marathon in Nov.

February is the next half marathon and they have a warm up 10K the prior week so I will look into those 2 to start 2019. I am staying away from January in the northeast, lol.

February is not much better, either, however that's when they planned the race. At least in Central Park they do a great job with snow removal so that will not be a problem if it occurs.

My school commitment begins this week. I have a meeting tomorrow night and the 1st game is Friday so I'm in charge of volunteers and the money from the gate and concessions. I guess I oversee the operations. That should be 3 months.

Dierks Bentley is still scheduled for March and I cant make other plans at the moment until I get this school schedule.

So now it will be school commitment and the gym. My gym anniversary is Feb 2nd and I'm on pace for 310-330 classes for my 1st year. Again not too bad. I run on my off days.  ;)

I could barely climb the stairs in the house. One at a time. Then I dropped my phone and it bounced down so many stairs and I painfully had to retrace my steps. Oh the agony. Then I dropped my medal and the painful pattern repeated. LOL...

I slept for a few hours and my legs much better. I can walk again.  ;D No gym tomorrow for me. I just don't have the legs for it. Maybe I will go back Wednesday.  ;D

Thanks


« Last Edit: December 09, 2018, 02:34:08 PM by Watcher »

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #47 on: December 09, 2018, 03:46:42 PM »
Yes my X went through that too...many times.

You really need to rest those muscles after that long of a run.  Just a day or two should do it.
Ice is good too.

Compression socks and running tape are really useful too.
I have no idea how the tape works but I guess it does.

M X has compression pants too.  I laughed because they look like male ballerina pants but they apparently help with circulation.

I've learned a lot as a cheerleader.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anjae

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #48 on: December 09, 2018, 03:59:13 PM »
Congratulations on your half marathon, Watcher.

Now, rest. Those muscles need a break.  And don't forget to eat.

I am not running, but I start walking in different types of terrain. Need to be careful. Otherwise I end up like you, my legs barely moving. Or no moving at all. Also need to remember to eat enough.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #49 on: December 09, 2018, 06:13:25 PM »
Hi Anjae,

I burned 2400 calories during that run according to my running app. So I am happy to report that I have regained 5 lbs and I weighed myself after the run. Always interesting in regards to weight. I was 205 on Nov 3rd. Hurricane November appeared and I dropped to 190. So I am up to 195 now during our 10 day and counting break.  ;D

It should continue to climb now and I do plan on resting.

Thanks

Offline Anjae

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #50 on: December 10, 2018, 06:32:15 AM »
This time I am not going to convert pounds to kilos.  :P I guess it is fine, or getting fine. Even because muscle weights more than fat.

Have a good rest. I need to go eat. Have been walking in the sun for over an hour.  :)

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #51 on: December 10, 2018, 01:37:29 PM »
So today was ugly at the house and I allowed MIL to drag me into her stupidity. S18 is back to his nasty self as MIL has him worked up. He really is ungrateful.

I know everyone says do this or do that regarding the boys but it doesn't work with MIL trying to exert control and running video at the same time.

Really the only thing that works is me never going to the house again. Now MIL has become the full monster. She threatens with the police and calling my work nonsense.

The simple answer really is to walk away. I really don't see what these almost 4 years have really done for my relationship with my sons. W resides in the house with our sons and I cannot get rid of the MIL instigator.

S18 is not a little boy. He has to be held accountable for his ugly words to me. I cannot wait for this school year to be over. I wash my hands with college and S18 and S15 will be going to public school for his final 2 years I've decided.

I will be forever in NC as long as MIL is on scene. I cannot deal with her any longer and she is simply trash.

So W is getting what she wanted. She wanted the focus off of her and she wanted me and MIL to renew our bitter rivalry. That's a kind word. I cant wait for MIL to drop dead in all honesty. That will be a great day for mankind.

So now I have to go to school for this ungrateful S18 tonight. I think I'm done cultivating any relationship with him. He is under the spell of W and MIL.

I will be free soon and I believe it's time I just worry about myself and what I want out of life moving forward. I'm kind of tired of dealing with gangsters.



Offline Anjae

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #52 on: December 10, 2018, 01:48:42 PM »
I'm sorry things went south.

Take a deep breath, Watcher. And stay away from the house.

You don't really want MIL to drop dead. You're not that kind of person. You're angry and upset and rightfully so.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #53 on: December 10, 2018, 02:53:46 PM »
I am so sorry Watcher!  Ugh!

Just stay calm and do what you need to do to get those in-laws out of YOUR house, legally.

Of course they are using your son.  It's their last ditch effort to stay put.  They will use everything they can which shows you they do not really care about your son.
Your son has been programmed for a very long time by his grandmother.

I would never in a million years use one of my grandkids in such a vile way.

Just calmly get a legal eviction notice out on them, court ordered.  Talk with your lawyer, he can steer you in the right direct.
This has gone on for too long.

You pay the mortgage on that house, not them.
Your son is too young to understand all this, even if he is 18.

Gosh I feel so bad it had to come to this.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #54 on: December 10, 2018, 02:56:32 PM »
Oh no Watcher. I am so sorry. You do not deserve that, especially after all that you have done for everyone. MIL is indeed a vile creature. Who does she think she is? I am angry at her too.

Such an unbelievably sad situation. Step back. Breathe. You got this.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #55 on: December 10, 2018, 03:01:44 PM »
Hi Anjae, Thunder, KIT

I should no better to stay away. I have no choice but to stay away now. She was mouthy as soon as I walked in. I'm a teenager. Mocking me. She is an antagonist.

There are many things going on. The relationship with her daughter is still fractured and she is angry at me. I told MIL that I love her daughter and everything she does online excites me. I said it to get a rise out of her and it worked.  ;)

The inlaws have no money and they are financially broken like their daughter. I don't believe they can just pick up and leave. Their problems are not my problem.

I navigated NC on the inlaws as well as W during those 8 months so I have to go back to that again.

She got S18 all riled up. MIL is mad about the braces and the boys having no clothes, etc...

She was very insulting about me and my mother. Meanwhile this woman is living in my house and I'm paying the mortgage.

She talks a lot of garbage but then it always hits her an hour later. Yes, the boys are not having Christmas and that finally smacked her in the face. She got all quiet because she knows I'm the only one who does anything for them.

Its Dec 10th and our house is not decorated at all and it will most likely stay that way.

The 3 adults are equally miserable. All 3 are in crisis I believe. So with me out of the picture hopefully they will focus on each other again.

There's nothing else for me to do. I just can't be around her anymore. The crisis and the inlaws are 2 separate issues.

They are entitled. Who am I to move their stuff out of the house ? They are not going anywhere. Threatening me with the police and my work. I'm crazy. That's always my favorite line. Its probably true since I put up with this nonsense for so long.
 
Thanks

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #56 on: December 10, 2018, 03:19:55 PM »
Well Watcher, you just said a mouthful.

You have put up with this for way too long.  More than any other person I know.

Are you telling me he still has his braces on after your W took out $24,000 of her retirement money?  Plus they needs clothes??  Oh my goodness.

Maybe her momma should ask her what she did with all that money??  Doesn't sound like she was concerned enough to spent a dime on her kids.

Sorry Watcher, I better shut up.   :-X
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #57 on: December 10, 2018, 03:28:37 PM »
Thunder,

We know where this is heading. It's all a matter if I still want to wait for June or just get this done in January. I'm battling 3 people and I'm tired of financially paying for it.

S18 is gone and I cannot do a thing for him and I'm pretty sure MIL is working on  S15. I would say Wrestling was her influence. Again I do not live in the home and I am losing this battle.

Meanwhile stupid is announcing how single she is to the world. So maybe it's just time I officially make her a single woman.   ;D

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #58 on: December 10, 2018, 04:36:18 PM »
I am sorry Watcher that you MIL and W and sons do not appreciate your contributions to their existence. I think it is good idea to put nice and healthy distance between you and them.

I believe that your MIL is all about money. When finances become critical, they get angry, and lash out at you--a person who in their mind is responsible to provide for their indulgences.

You son still wears braces, but your wife spends $8000/year on laptops. Priorities, priorities.  If they were smart they would have used this grace period  (rent free leaving for 4 years) to build up their savings. But they are dumb, all of them.

You know what I think about kids, but I think that 18 and 15 year old boys should be able to earn some cash themselves, by mowing the lawn for neighbours, babysitting, cleaning the snow. They can earn their laptops, for example. Nobody taught them the value of hard work. I have a 17 year old girl in the neighbourhood, she has been babysitting before she was 13. She now saved enough money to cover for her living expenses for first two years of college.

Take care Watcher, and stay strong.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #59 on: December 10, 2018, 06:42:10 PM »
Yes Karm,

I feel so underappreciated by my entire family, boys included. Even S15 was testy with me over the weekend. Could be teenage stuff so I didn't take it personal.

I'm not going to stand there and have S18 F bomb me to death as MIL goaded him on.

The shame is it really is not W. We are in our separate corners and doing our NC thing. It's always her mother. So I have no further plans on going to that house.

Her mom knows her daughter has checked out and I'm not listening to anything MIL has to say. If W doesn't care about finances then neither do I.

The 2 boys will just have to deal with their mother and grandparents. I don't think any of them want me around so I will disappear. S15 has a phone and he will have to use it.

I went to my school meeting tonight and was surrounded by normal people who talk to me. I find normal people at work, at the gym, at my runs, on this forum, etc.... I talk to people everywhere. The people in my house are dysfunctional and not normal in any sense.

I understand why she is so screwed up because her parents are really screwed up. Its painfully obvious that MIL controls our sons and maybe that is why W gave up. I kind of want to give up myself now.

Devils advocate, I can go complete NC until graduation. Will anything change ? Will MIL still be around ? A year from now will she still be around ? At this point for me it's not about the crisis. Its solely this MIL issue.

I am contemplating divorce because of my inlaws and I think that's so crazy. Does one divorce because of inlaws ? My W is never getting rid of them. She is not even paying attention at the moment.

So I just don't know. I know I need to maintain a healthy distance because these people are just sick. The police and my work don't know about the real me. Whatever that means. I'm dealing with 3 mentally unstable individuals who believe they are normal.

My legs are better so I may attempt the gym tomorrow. I will see. Friday is opening for school basketball so that will be 3 games from 330pm-900 pm.

Healthy distance time is in order. Nothing else to do.

Have a good night
Thanks



Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #60 on: December 10, 2018, 07:21:25 PM »
Watcher,

If it is at all possible try not to work yourself up with all the aggravation that you received at home. Whatever they said and did, is ultimately a reflection of themselves and not yourself. Why do they offend your mother, who has been nothing but kind, tactful, and very understanding and loving person? Who like other grandmother has a right to see and spent time with her grandkids, but has to do it from distance. 

I am really sorry. It would have hurt me more than anything to receive that kind of treatment from my kids. As you said, they are teenagers and been under the brainwashing and indoctrination for a long time. But it is time for them too to wake up, being teenager does not mean one can disrespect his parent. He needs to learn responsibility for his actions/words. As I told my D11 at the early stages after BD, when she was really lashing out at me, "you do not need to love me, but you sure have to respect me."

Stay strong, Watcher and take care. Have a better and more peaceful day tomorrow.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #61 on: December 10, 2018, 07:35:07 PM »
Karm,

It eats at MIL because my mom is a real woman. My mom offered me a place to stay and it allowed me to escape the abuse. That's why she hates my mom.

I get to escape and MIL is basically a slave in our home. Apparently I drink fine wine and eat at the finest restaurants. I have it made, lol. 10 dollars is my wine limit. Maybe 15 bucks when I want to splurge. She is dumb.

MIL was in full blame mode. Her and FIL are well rehearsed. They must talk a lot about me. I had to hear how they supplied a car for their daughter and I to attend college. I guess I owe them for life.  ::)

 I'm going to bed and I'm going to the dentist tomorrow. It's not like a good way to start one's day. But I guess I will take it.  :-\ lol

Maybe I will go to the gym after work. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I will find something to do.

Thanks

Offline Brenross

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #62 on: December 10, 2018, 09:21:19 PM »
Watcher...

I know you don't mean what you say about your Sons.  I understand the frustration and hurt...but please understand that these poor boys have been used as pawns for this lengthy chess game.  They really need rescuing before it is too late.

Now I am going to throw you a curve ball....a chance for you to look at this scenario from a different perspective...just planting a couple of seeds for you to look at this situation differently.  You know your situation best.....

Your MIL is intentionally trying to manipulate you and your family.   We all understand that it is difficult for you to go home and to get bombarded with her abuse, be subjected to her venomous projection......BUT... do you think she has started playing her games again in order to gain control of the house and situation once again?  She clearly lost control of everyone when you were temporarily present - W moved their belonging out into the yard and advised them that they had to go.  MIL is taking control again and is blaming everything on you.  She is trying everything in her power to upset you...thus the comment about your mum.  Trying to get you mad in front of your S18 (which you clearly need to refrain from)...she is trying to show you that S18 will come to her defence rather than hers (mind games).

With you avoiding going home again  are you succumbing  to her wishes? When you had control they were not at home whilst you were there.  Possibly fightened or alarmed at the loss of control? Are you playing into her hands?  It is your house , your boys and your wife.  Obviously your wife has gone back into the tunnel again and her strength that she gained temporarily has subsided.  Just a thought..

In relation to your son please don't be too harsh on your son.  Yes he was out of line....BUT...you have no idea how much he has been manipulated of the situation.  Even brainwashed.  His grandmother has been his "mum" whilst your W is in crisis.  I would imagine that both boys are very protective of MIL....yes very naively but they are young and clearly do not understand the real dynamics. MIL has been their rock when both of their parents were not available.  We all know that you were there for them, but you don't know what the boys have been told by MIL, FIL or even W.

Your situation is not just a MLC.  You are fighting for your Boys and your House as well as dealing with your W and her crisis as well as the damage she has endured due to her abuse from her Mother.   Don't stop fighting for your family.  I can see via your posts that this turn of events is taking its toll on you. Naturally... BUT...you need to regain control of your family and house again.  Don't play games with MIL...don't participate in her games or the bait that she feeds you.

Maybe you need to contact W again in order get the ILWS to vacate...cultivate her inner strength so that she can assist you with the fight against the ILS.  .I know it is hard...but your priority is atm is the protect your finances and kids.  Running away (or avoiding) from the situation is not the answer.  You need to eradicate ILWs first.  Once they are gone you will get a clearer picture of where your W will be in your future....either way you will have your Boys and your House. Fingers crossed without your W being constantly subjected to MIL's abuse she may slowly heal also.

Just my thoughts.....
« Last Edit: December 10, 2018, 09:31:16 PM by Brenross »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #63 on: December 11, 2018, 02:19:24 AM »
Hi Brenross.

That behavior from MIL is typical. That was the Narcissist on display. That's what my W had to put up with for the 8 months while I was away and probably was her catalyst to come get me in November.

Now I don't feel sorry for my W because she allowed the parasites into our lives. She blames me plenty in November. My parents are all your fault Watcher.

To be clear my W does not want me home. From Nov 3-28 she pursued me for various reasons. A lot of it was sincere on her part. Part of her wants me to be her buffer between her parents.

On Nov 29 we equally called for a break. She is not asking for me back.

It is impossible for me to live in that house. I have gone back too many times and days like yesterday were a regular occurrence. I end up being abused and then W gets drawn in to it. So it's best for W and I to remain NC.

The ringleader is MIL. Until my W gets rid of her for good then I guess we have no chance. MIL is a nasty and vile human being. I can't emphasize that enough.

MIL can try to regain all the control that she wants. I'm not the one in financial dire straits. So I will remain NC and my W will have to deal with her parents.

Its impossible to ignore a person like that because they don't stop coming at you. She is relentless in her manic verbal attacks. She has her daughters mental illness, whatever that is. MIL has delusion and paranoia herself. The gaslighting and blame game.

So my W and her monster are on vacation and now I have to deal with MIL monster.

I will try to explain one example. One morning in Nov 2017 all 3 of them chewed me out one morning for failing to have 3 dollars for lunch. I cant even describe the scene. Just vile comments over 3 dollars.

Meanwhile they were coming off their gambling crash. That's what happens with gamblers. They crash when they lose and they take it out on me. The inlaws were out in our car alone on Sunday. W was home. Hmm, could it have been the casino ?

That's the pattern. Gamblers remorse Monday. Let's take it out on that bastard Watcher. He is to blame.

Like someone told me offline. The only way to win is not to play this game.

I had 8 peaceful months and I thoroughly enjoyed November with my W. My MIL is trying her best to re establish control and keep us both in the same patterns.

So my W will do what she has to do and I will do what I have to do. We will both ignore crazy MIL. The Narc wants her fix so we will let her starve. I didn't do well yesterday. I should have never entered the house knowing she was present.

So I will return to my previous 8 months and go NC on the inlaws. It's a lot more peaceful.

Thanks
« Last Edit: December 11, 2018, 02:22:55 AM by Watcher »

Online Treasur

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #64 on: December 11, 2018, 03:43:36 AM »
Of course you are angry and frustrated.
Of course you feel abused and maybe manipulated.
Of course you feel unappreciated.

The bit that confuses me though Watcher is what you are trying to acheive now.
NC gets you away from abuse and gives you peace, I get that. I chose it for similar reasons.

But NC can also be a kind of avoiding and there seem to be some practical things that need some kind of plan of action.
Your sons, although you have often said they are fine, must have been/be affected by the insanity around them and your absence.
You own and pay for a house which the crazy people live in. I presume you can't find a permanent home of your own while you are still doing that? Is the house just in your name or joint? If just yours, then why hasn't the legal route to evict your ils worked?
Your W's debts, as you are still married, may affect you unless you are financially separated.
You mention being lonely for female company, understandably, but also that your w is far from the point where she can be that.
You as a father understandably want to spend time with your sons and to not have to route through others to do that. How is that going to happen in future?
As a father and young adult sons, they need to know and you need to plan for what you will or won't do about school fees and college costs independently of your w who is financially illiterate imho. So what is the plan, how will it work and what will you tell your sons?

I know this is a long list, Watcher, but these are real practical issues about you and your sons having a safe, healthy life away from the spider web. And I suspect you will respond that it is difficult bc of x or y that your mil or w do, or your sons don't do. And you're probably right....but they are still real issues that affect your life and future.  How will NC alone help you progress any of them?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #65 on: December 11, 2018, 09:36:14 AM »
Hi Treasur,

I think a bottle of whiskey and a woman is the way to go at this point  ::)  You know, "I need Jesus or I need Whiskey". IDK,  I'm leaning whiskey.  ;)  (that's a joke btw)

I have no clue what I'm trying to achieve. My W does not want to talk to me. What do you want me to do about it ? She is in NC and I am leaving her alone.

What do you want me to do with MIL ? She is a rabid animal. She has lost control of her daughter. She has lost control of me. Her "think of your son's" motto no longer works for me.

I say "think of your grandkids and get the eff outta my house". That's my response now.

So she is getting nowhere with me. It's a game. I get rid of them and they come back. I don't live there. I can't police it. Their daughter has to get rid of them. I would change the locks but she will let them back in.

TBH, I did change the side door locks and my boys let those rats in every day. I forgot they no longer have keys.

I would have to live there and police it to keep them out permanently. That's the only way it would work.

School has to finish so I can free up some money. Then I will be able to get my own place. I'm not going to continue to pay the mortgage. We have to do something legally at that point and divorce would be our only option.

S18 will have to get loans for college just like I did. I spent 78,000 in 4 years on high school. I could have brought my own place by now. I need to think of myself now. S15 will have to adjust to public school.

So I will go back to having a 1 to 2 hour window a day with my son's. That's all I have and I cant see them on the weekends. If I go outside those parameters than yesterday will be everyday with MIL.

MIL will not stop. My W is no longer the issue. Last March was her last monster. MIL is desperate and she no longer has the protection of her daughter.

IDK Treasur, I believe it will get very ugly over the next 6 months and then it will be decided. They are desperate people.

So I went to the dentist, cleared out my backyard of debris, and I will be going to the gym today.

The dental hygienist rested her forearm on my chest while working on me so that was my female contact for the day.  ::)

Enjoy your day
 
Thanks




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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #66 on: December 11, 2018, 09:52:56 AM »
Yes you do need to think of yourself now. The kids need one sane parent.
Regardless of your interaction with them They know you will be there for them if some really bad stuff goes down.

Now total NC is no seeing, no speaking to these other three, no interaction whatsoever.  No texts, emails, phone calls. No negotiating.
You cannot negotiate with terrorists.

End this story Watcher. They are not going to.
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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #67 on: December 11, 2018, 10:25:46 AM »
Ok, as init said NC or caring about what the crazy folks want from you. Check.
Accept you can't get ils out of the house until you force a sale, or w buys you out...which needs a divorce you say...which means you have to decide to file for one. Ditto on stripping back the cost to you of financing crazy folks who abuse you. (So the big question there is, if that is the only way to acheivev it, are you ready to do it? Bearing in mind that it will take a while probably to get done a la MLC divorces so later you start, later you acheieve your goal)
And you try to see if your son's will take action independently to spend time with you? Or just see them for a couple of hours? Can you meet elsewhere so you can avoid the house? And you tell them your plan/timescale re schooling?

And meanwhile go for kickboxing +!running + whiskey for 6 more months lol...
Is that your plan, Watcher, or have I misunderstood?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #68 on: December 11, 2018, 11:04:59 AM »
Hi Init, Treasur.

Yes my W is aware that this is not going beyond June as presently constituted. If MIL is not removed from our family then we will be getting divorced. Removal from our lives, not just the house.

We talked about it enough in November. W is aware that re registration in Feb is being declined on S15. W is also aware that S18 will be going to county college as I will not be financially supporting his endeavor.

I was trying to steer her towards mediation but we have stopped talking. So with no change then,  yes, I will have to execute it.

To be clear, I can ride out her crisis. She is not my issue. However, as I told her, she needs to give me something in return and that is her parents. I cannot live with that madness any longer.

MIL is way too eradic and unstable towards both me and her daughter. Even the boys IC has demanded her removal.

As a side note, W has not opposed any moves that I have made against her parents at the house. Also, MIL did not dare call her daughter yesterday while this was going on. That was a first for both examples.

IMO MIL is petrified because her daughter is no longer protecting her. So I intend to finish the school year and see what happens, if anything.

In the meantime I will go about my business and this could always hit the fan a bit sooner. So, no, my stand will not proceed past graduation as presently constituted without the changes that I need to occur. This is no life for me nor my 2 sons.

Thanks


Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #69 on: December 11, 2018, 11:15:30 AM »
Watcher,

I believe your wife is an issue and a big one. And I also believe that these three (including your wife) are pulling bad cop good cop game on you. If my daughter or son would have spoken to their father in that way, I would have put the stop on it, immediately. She is aware that her 18 year old is disrespecting his father and does absolutely nothing. It is her job to step in and tell him to be respectful. It is her job to control her parents, it is her job to manage who lives and does not live with her. Yet she does nothing but chase soulmates and post sexually suggestive pictures on-line.

It is her job to discipline her sons, not MILs, FILs. It looks like you are trying to excuse your wife, yet this situation is completely of her making.

I agree with Init completely.

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #70 on: December 11, 2018, 11:24:41 AM »
Exactly the quality of life for all of you( you and your sons) is sub par at best.
Your W has to get rid of her mother herself. She may or may not do that.

And if she does? It doesn't mean she's "cured" and ready to have a relationship.

So cool your jets about that and get some ducks in the same pond at least, if not in a row.

 What about contacting a lawyer and see about having them legally evicted? You have proof you are paying the mortgage etc? Although that might help your W get them out of the house you need to do this so you aren't being taken advantage of.

They are living in your house rent free for how long since you left the last time?

Your sons are watching how you are being treated  (or are allowing yourself to be treated) and instead of seeing it's wrong they will treat you the same way.
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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #71 on: December 11, 2018, 11:30:44 AM »
Karm I thought the same thing, but I guess his wife was at work so she saw none of it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #72 on: December 11, 2018, 11:42:36 AM »
Thunder,

She does not care. She must be aware that her parents are back in the house after Watcher put their things out. She cannot be that clueless. She told her abusive mother you want them (her children) you got them. How sick it is. She is not interested in being a mother, a responsible person, a wife. She lives like a butterfly. Fluting from one internet site to another. It was all about her, as she told Watcher. Really, at what expense? She does not care that at least three very nice persons lives are getting turned upside down, so that she can find her soulmate. And two of these people are her own flesh and blood. How can that be o.k.?

At the meantime Watcher is paying for everything and being disrespected.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #73 on: December 11, 2018, 11:46:35 AM »
Triangulation!! Errywhere!

Suggestion for an exercise to help you clear your mind. Get a piece of notebook paper and make two columns. One, "Emotions" and Two, "Logistics." Decisions can be made based on both of those things, but there's some crossover perhaps happening that is making it all more blurry than it needs to be.

Finances are logistics, but you may make certain obligations based on feelings. Eviction can be a logistical process, but you may not be making any steps to find out because you want W to make that choice (is that realistic?). Things like that.

Another two-column list: your wife's behaviors, then your MIL's behaviors. How do they treat their children? How do they treat their spouses? How do them manage anger? How do they behave when given responsibility? Test for similarities. I think you know where this one is going, but it's important to judge for yourself. Black and white helps. I had to do this with my xH and his narc father recently, and it was eye opening, even at this late stage in the game post-divorce.

No rollercoasters. Get off o' there! :)
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #74 on: December 11, 2018, 11:48:27 AM »
Yeah really what sane person would leave their kids (by choice) with their own mother who they KNOW is abusive? She doesn't care, is right.
She just wants to do whatever she wants to, and string you along in the process.

You may have enjoyed November, but she's playing you big time and you have to  get her and keep her out of your life.
There are two ways of spreading light:
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Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #75 on: December 11, 2018, 11:51:26 AM »
Sorry Karm, I was just referring to you saying she should have stuck up for Watcher when her son went off on him.
She wasn't home to do that.

I agree with the rest.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #76 on: December 11, 2018, 12:02:27 PM »
LOL, I thought my last post was pretty clear.   ::) hahahaha

Ready2Transform I agree. Triangulation everywhere. No more rollercoasters I promise.   ;) Good points. That is why I'm avoiding the 3 adults.

Yes I can do your exercise and I know they are the same exact woman. Ready I know my outcome. I know it. It's inevitable.

Thanks everyone

I'm going to the gym.


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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #77 on: December 11, 2018, 12:19:46 PM »
Well for everyone's well being.
If you want to see those boys make arrangements to see them someplace else.

Stay away from the house. Type this 100 times..stay away from the house... stay away from the house.

Maybe there's someplace within walking distance you can meet them and pick them up if THEY want to. Take them for something to eat. Make arrangements with them. Friday nights at 7 or whatever. They are old enough to do this without your wife's permission.
All They have to say is
"I'm going to see dad, be back in a few hours"..that's it.

If not? Try not to let it bother you.
It's cold out. and most teenagers are LAZY as a rule.

They've been through this too..you're with each other.. then your not. They don't have a clue what's going on. Stay consistent Watcher.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2018, 12:35:33 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
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Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Offline Anon

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #78 on: December 11, 2018, 12:51:10 PM »
Quote
Triangulation!! Errywhere!

Can someone give a simple definition of what triangulation means?  I sort of thought I knew but no, I don’t think so anymore.  Thanks.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #79 on: December 11, 2018, 12:53:50 PM »
Yes I'm done with the house and overall I'm just done with this situation. I'm pretty much not going to see the boys because they use them as pawns and I'm fine with it.

TBH I'm just done, and I'm ready to end this and I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm going to try and ride out the rest of the school year. I'm not making any promises.

One thing to come out of our interaction in November is I'm just tired of her BS. I've had enough of her and her mother. I was thinking she probably should have left me alone.

She gave me a taste of what I was missing. She gave me a taste of relationship and I want that now in my life AND it doesn't necessarily have to be her now.

I really just have to worry about myself. I'm not participating Christmas and she knows. I'm not doing any gifts.

Like I said last night, I feel incredibly unappreciated for what I have done and sacrificed for the past 42 months. I guess the 2 women won and I'm not fighting for it anymore. I just don't want it any longer. That's it.

I know people don't want to hear it but the boys live with her and not me.

I'm living this experience and I go through all these emotions. I have lost my family and I don't believe I'm getting any of them back.

You know what that feels like. Having sons going on 19 and 16 years old and I have no relationship with them. You really have no clue about my heartbeak.

I have tried to make the best of a horrible situation. I lost and that's how I view it. I don't care about her. I lost my sons.


Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #80 on: December 11, 2018, 12:58:30 PM »
I'm so sorry Watcher. I can see your heartache. And I know you are in an impossible situation with your boys.

W and MIL did not win. Unfortunately there are no winners here. Your heart is broken, and it is magnified by this recent touch and go with W. I'm sorry friend. I know you will know what to do when the time is right for you. Now, just try to heal your heart. Hugs friend. 
Me 47
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S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #81 on: December 11, 2018, 01:15:42 PM »
Honey I know I lost  my daughter's too and they were my whole life  :'(  I was a stay at home mother. My children were everything.
No divorce or break up could ever have the pain compared to this.
Everyone in RL says they will be back .but I have had no indication of that in the last five years. :'(

I was abused triangulated and  kicked out of the house..

But I will not tolerate not being treated with respect.
You do not want your son's treating you poorly.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2018, 01:26:19 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
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Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #82 on: December 11, 2018, 02:03:46 PM »
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/05/3-powerful-ways-to-heal-from-the-toxic-triangulation-of-narcissists/

Anon this is a pretty good article to try to explain it.
Triangulation can occur between any three people or more.

When you have an OW (or OM) and a H and a W that's the triangle and whoever is screwing around is trying to play both sides.In Watchers case he is actually a scapegoat besides.
He's got a FIL MIL and his W in this triangulation. Plus whatever other fantasy man his W seems to latch onto.

Now if his sons get in on this that's only going to make things worse for Watcher. And these people have a way of persuading them let me tell you. I know first hand what goes on with these things. No one is being told the truth, everyone is getting misinformation, brainwashed, and there is very little communication.
They've watched him put up with abuse and keep coming back. It has to stop before they lose all respect for him.
I'm sure his kids would like to see him stand up to the three of them.

Watcher, you have to stop playing the  game. File for divorce, do something. They have to know you are serious this time.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #83 on: December 11, 2018, 04:16:30 PM »
I agree with InIt. There is no healthy relationship build on disrespect full stop. Whether it is spousal, parental, friendship relationship. His sons need to learn that there are consequences for disrespecting their father. What kind of role models they have in their lives. Dysfunctional, disengaged mother, a grandmother who calls her daughter a wh*r^ in their presence, and a grandfather who plays a rubber stumping functions for his wife.

They do not have any anchor in their lives. And it is not their grandmother's fault, but rather their mother's.

Stay strong Watcher. Yes I agree with R2T, it is time to put healthy distance between you and them and regroup.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #84 on: December 11, 2018, 04:26:42 PM »
Hi KIT. Karm, Init, Thunder, Anon

First my son broke my heart yesterday. I can put up with a lot but I can't handle the kids turning on me like that. So there has always been 2 people on my threads from the beginning and I mention this probably once a year. Thunder is #1 but she probably is #1 on a lot of threads. She has been with me since I started here in January 2016.

My #2 came around during the spring of 2016 I believe. I was getting my head handed to me by monster daily. She does not come around that often but when I see her name I go, Oh sh!te. LOL... That would be Init. She has a different approach  and I call her the hammer. You know what to expect  You had me crying today Init and that's because there's a lot of truth in what you say. Sometimes I don't want to listen.

My head really appreciates your advice, IDK if my heart likes you too much, lol. It's not really anything you said as I've just been emotional the past few days.

I do have a real life friend on the forum who really is a wonderful person and she has spent countless hours helping me through the years. I know she is worried about me at the moment and I am fine. IDK how we found each other but we did and she has helped me immensely. My phone is off for a reason tonight.

I had a horrible gym session. It's either I wasn't into it or the new computer system is just that bad. So MIL pushed me yesterday. This is now the 2nd incident. So I responded by taking all of her belongings that were in my yard from the basement to the dump both last night and today. I'm not putting up with physical abuse from her. She still has a ton of stuff in that bedroom. I was waiting for an opportunity for that next. I'm just done with her.

A few people offline know I was removing the beds next. I already removed the tvs. I removed their bedroom door, curtains, blinds, whatever belonged to me. I'm not kidding tile and sheet rock were next. I am just prepared to gut the entire room. That's the point I am at with this MIL of mine and the heck with the consequences already.

So BIL in Florida contacted me after the gym and he is asking for 2 weeks. I guess my response got his attention. He will have an apartment for them. I responded and then I turned my phone off.

It's very sad that it came to this conclusion. I feel empty inside. Driving home KIT I had that same sentiment. No one comes out a winner here. Relationships are destroyed. So now they will be leaving, hopefully as stated. Now what does that mean ? The crisis is still here.

I shouldn't have had to do her dirty work. So now it's done. They will be leaving. IDK. I just don't know tonight. It's a constant emotionally roller-coaster these past few weeks.

So now she can have her crisis I guess in peace. Who knows ?

Have a good night
Thanks





« Last Edit: December 11, 2018, 04:30:16 PM by Watcher »

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #85 on: December 11, 2018, 05:03:10 PM »
I was crying too..now LISTEN to me. Bail out on this bunch they have no clue what they are doing, they think they do but they don't and there's no way to wake them up.

I used WAY too much of my heart and not my head in the situation.
Do not put up with one more ounce of their BS.

All we can do is pray that they leave but that doesn't solve the problem Watcher.  Stay away from her.

You didn't break her you cannot fix her. So leave her alone she needs to figure this out on her own.

In the meantime find some peace. Cry if you need to. Grieving the loss of a family is time consuming. But you will feel better in that dreaded word ..time.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #86 on: December 11, 2018, 05:42:27 PM »
Watcher, you have had a terribly, emotional, grueling few days and I'm so sorry.

Please turn off your phone and get some rest.
You need to shut down for awhile.  Even from this site.

If your bil is going to get them out of there then let it happen.
Just stay away for now.

We will all still be here when you come back.  You have a lot of support here for you, Watcher.

There is nothing you can do right now for your oldest son.  He is in their mess up to his eye brows and I blame all 3 of them.  They did not protect him.
You can talk to his IC and explain things to him.  He can help your son.  But not right now. 

Just take care of you tonight.  OK?

{{Big Hug}}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #87 on: December 11, 2018, 09:13:06 PM »
It's sad about the kids with regards to you right now but I would look at them more as a long term project. I would actually be more worried that in 30 years they repeat the cycle with their own spouses and have an MLC. I think that is something you will want to work with them to prevent in the long term.

Someone needs to break this cycle. And even then, it might not work. What mystifies me is how my own H stood up to his father's abuse of his mother and put an end to it when he was 16 by threatening his father. It didn't stop him from trying to recreate his parents' relationship with OW even though he hated the way his father was. Go figure. The long term damage to your kids is probably already done, so now it is a matter of damage control and mitigating the long term effects. These ILs slithered their way into your house and slowly did their damage before you realized you had an out of control situation. You couldn't have known you were going to reach this point.

But you are taking the first necessary step now. Strip those walls if you need to. These people need to go.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2018, 09:15:52 PM by GonerinGhana »

Offline Anjae

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #88 on: December 11, 2018, 09:25:32 PM »
I am sorry things have been so bad for you, Watcher.

Stay away from the house and try to rest. It has been too much at the same time,

I think that is something you will want to work with them to prevent in the long term.

No sure it is possible to prevent it. The damage is done. As it is to pretty much all the children of MLCers.
point.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #89 on: December 11, 2018, 09:45:15 PM »
Watcher,

Thunder and others have already said it. Take a breather, recoup and regroup. Like in an airplane, get your O2 mask on first and then help your traveling companions.

If BIL says 2 weeks, then in 15 days, do what you need to do to get rid of the snake.

As MIL chose to get physical again, you might wish to consider filing a report like the first time. Document EVERYTHING to the extent possible (but you know this from your line of work so I'm preaching to the choir here).

Hang in there. It's harder than Hades but you'll make it through. Cut yourself some slack on the gym results too.. You are working out regularly and, while getting those abs is a great goal, a toned up bod is only a transport mechanism for your mind and spirit..... You can have the shiniest Ferrari in the garage but if the motor is shot to Hades, it isn't going anywhere, if you get the analogy.

You got this and we've got your back
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #90 on: December 11, 2018, 10:56:46 PM »
Watcher, dont think that you are loosing your Boys.
Look at it from theyre perspective. You were back, out with theyre mam every day for a month or so. Both of you paid too Little Attention to your Boys in that time, it was all about the 2 of you. You have said this yourself.
Then, your gone again! It may not have been your fault but who knows what stories those bys have been fed. Add that to the confusion they both must have felt in November and there you have it!
Confused teenagers, no more, no less.

Try and arrang something fun for the 3 of you at Weekends, away from the house. Your W doesnt even have to know.

All the best mate.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #91 on: December 11, 2018, 11:12:52 PM »
I'm sorry, Watcher, that this mess is so damn hard to navigate a way out. And that you are hurting because there is no easy happy ending or simple solutions.

But I honestly feel that sometimes breaking a dark pattern needs an act of faith that there is something better on the other side. That it just becomes too wearing to stay where we are. I think you are digging in to the depths of your own courage now but can't imagine how hard it must be. I hope that something starts to shift and that you see progress for you and your son's too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Brenross

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #92 on: December 11, 2018, 11:27:08 PM »

You can have the shiniest Ferrari in the garage but if the motor is shot to Hades, it isn't going anywhere, if you get the analogy.

You got this and we've got your back

Awesome advice for you Watcher 😘

Small steps...fingers crossed mission one will be addressed within the fortnight.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online Mitzpah

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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #93 on: December 12, 2018, 03:58:20 AM »
Watcher,

I don't often post because Thunder and others do a great job in being there for you! I am glad to know that you have a RL LBS supporting you too.

Your situation makes me want to go and shake those ILs of yours >:( and tell them to get the heck out of your house!

I am so sorry about your son - I have sons too and they live with me, their contact with their father is very important and I have always made sure to encourage it. There have been some conflicts over the years but nothing too serious and the eldest one (26) speaks with his dad daily on a variety of subjects (motorbikes, work on the house, technology!), as for the younger one (25), he has more difficulty in finding a common ground to talk to his dad at a distance, but when they are together (about once a week), they get on very well :)  Don't give up too soon ;)

I hope you can find some peace, stepping back from this storm at least until the ILs actually go.

M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #94 on: December 12, 2018, 10:08:27 AM »
I did see S15 out yesterday exercising in our neighborhood. His face lights up when he sees me and he has a beautiful smile. I will let S18 cool down. He has his issues and both women have said horrible things about me over the years to each son.

I will remain quiet and wait and see if BIL comes through finally. He said 2 weeks. I'm not letting him know that I will go a bit longer and wait til Jan 2nd. That will be it for me and at that point  I will resume having them removed.

MIL is fighting for control over these 2 boys. So it is a showdown between her and I and I'm not allowing her to win.

This is a totally separate issue from my W crisis. One has nothing to do with the other. I cant even describe how defiant MIL is about leaving our home. I won't believe it until she is actually gone.

They are just down to mattresses at this point. I already removed the bed frames from our home.

W has remained quiet. Come Jan 2nd the stalling games from W and BIL are over.

They will not see nor hear from me until Jan 2nd. To be clear I don't talk to nor see my W and I also haven't visited the home while she is there.

I went to work. I have a female colleague who has run 6 marathons so we talked about running all morning. I have work, gym and school basketball to occupy my time. I have 4 games on Friday from 300-900pm so it's a busy start.

It's been an exhausting 3 days but I am eating and sleeping fine. I think it's more mental fatigue at this point.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thank you

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #95 on: December 12, 2018, 10:29:15 AM »
All sounds good, Watcher.  They have 2 weeks!  No stalls!
 
Well as I'm sure you know, stress can cause mental exhaustion and if you're not a fighter it's twice as hard on you.  You were MAD!   :o  ;D

I'm glad you're eating and sleeping good.  They are NOT going to break Watcher's spirit!
Awhile away from them you'll get back to normal.

I only have one question for you, and you probably don't know, but are they looking for a place for the in-laws far from you.  Like REAL far from you.  They are sick boomerangs, ya know?   ::) ::)

Have a good afternoon, Watcher!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #96 on: December 12, 2018, 10:54:06 AM »
Good game plan Watcher. You got this.

Just throwing this out there. And I am sure you already realize this, but sometimes it is nice to hear. S18 has been fed a lot of BS and he is likely angry in general. You are the easiest target b/c of your sanity and level-headedness. He cannot possibly vent to the Trifecta of Terror for fear of their wrath. You are his rock. I know it doesn't feel that way. But just him being able to speak his mind/vent his frustration  (even if complete rubbish) says he trusts you more than them.


I won't say "Stay strong" this time. You've been about the strongest person I know since day 1.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #97 on: December 12, 2018, 11:19:24 AM »
Watcher,

If you can afford, take a couple of days off and go somewhere in nature. Walk in nature, breath fresh air, eat healthy and nutritious food. It will help to replenish you mind and body. For me, walking in the nature are very therapeutic.

I agree with Keep concerning you son, my D11 was the same first year after her dad left. She was just unruly, lashing out at me, calling me names. I just told her lovingly, that I understand she is sad/angry but I will not tolerate disrespect. Maybe when your son 18 is in a better space you can ask him why he said those hurtful things to you and that if he is aware that they are hurtful. It is important for them to think about the consequences for their actions, including emotional damage. I would also tell me that it is unacceptable for you to be treated that way. He is 18, he should be able to understand.

Concerning you BIL, I would be very careful. Isn't it the same BIL that was trying to extort money from you in order to move his mother and father out? I would be very very careful with him. He might provoke you, in order to have grounds for police involvement, etc. These people have no shame, no honor. They all are about money and nothing else.

But please, take care of yourself. Try to surround yourself with loving and happy people. And yes I also wanted to say "normal".

Take care Watcher.
 

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #98 on: December 12, 2018, 11:24:41 AM »
Hi Thunder, KIT, Karm.

1600 miles away in beautiful Florida.  ;D
I'd prefer a longer distance but that will have to do.

Thank you

Karm, when I say they only have mattresses left in this life, I really mean they only have mattresses left in this life.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 11:27:20 AM by Watcher »

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #99 on: December 12, 2018, 11:39:06 AM »
That's WONDERFUL to hear!! 

"Happy dance!"   ;D

Poor guy doesn't know what he's in for.  Shhhh..don't tell him.   :-X
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #100 on: December 12, 2018, 11:45:16 AM »
Watcher, I know. This is why they are so desperate and angry. They were thinking that you are their ticket to a wonderful life full of all expenses paid living, including casino rides, expensive brand name clothes, etc. This is why your MIL is pushing your wife into a marriage. Who else is going to put up with it and pay for it. Still watch out for BIL. He does not strike to be an honorable man. He was trying to make money of your misery with his 'lovely" mother.

Be strong Watcher.

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #101 on: December 12, 2018, 11:50:25 AM »
Yeah and wasn't there an attempt to do this before?
I'd be calling him everyday for an update..two more weeks of this?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #102 on: December 12, 2018, 01:16:31 PM »
Yes InIt,

If I remember it correctly, this BIL was trying to extort money from Watcher for removing his mother. Can you imagine. What a family! This is why they do not want Watcher's mother around the kids. Because the kids can actually see the difference.

I will not call or say anything. On December 30-th I will simply write to BIL and inform him that his parents are going to be on the street as of January 2 and when he comes he should not expect any monetary compensation for their move. Shall he have any grievances he can address those with his sister and parents.

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #103 on: December 12, 2018, 01:27:35 PM »
Wow..I must have missed that part..these leeches stop at nothing apparently.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #104 on: December 13, 2018, 01:53:40 PM »
How are you doing, Watcher?  Getting back in the grove, I hope.

Just let things go for now I see what your bil does to get the toxic dual out of there.
He has 2 weeks to figure it out.

Do you think if they get moved to FL your W just may go with them?  It could be a possibility.  She does have debt staring her in the face.

Well as long as your youngest son is not taken with them. 

Hope you have a good evening, Watcher.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #105 on: December 13, 2018, 02:27:28 PM »
Staying out of trouble Thunder  ::), lol. Scouts Honour.  ;D
I'm just heading into the gym. I'll be back to answer.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #106 on: December 13, 2018, 04:17:40 PM »
Hi Thunder,

I had work today and it was uneventful. We had some snow flurries. I had to get changed for the gym afterwards and grabbed something to eat. I'm always in shorts, hoodie and winter hat, sneakers. Just like most 46 yr old men, lol.

I have had 2 good nights at the gym challenging the new computer standards. I have new red gloves so I may have hit the red mark tonight on the scoreboard. I burn 1,000 calories an hour so it's an ego issue and not really a performance one.

So its quiet as I haven't been to the house. Tomorrow I'm off and I have a busy day. Gym 545am, car inspection, dr appt, then 6 hours at school for basketball.

If anything I would have to say after the school year she could be a flight risk but that's every year. She has sold me on getting rid of MIL. College for S18 and S15 finishing out his final 2 years. She also has a good job here in NJ.

Now I control S15 fate for 2 more school years. That's the method to my madness. I provide private school and his home, therefore, he goes nowhere. That's how my lawyer sees it.

Reallistically W is better off staying put. She has a free home however she is your classic DUMB mlcer. LOL....Anything is possible.

I don't take it personally. She has a flight mentality. She did well with me in November but I don't believe she can sustain that level of contact with me.

Someone will have to fill the void of MIL. We would have to coordinate our schedules. IDK if she would be willing. She has been very quiet.

BIL had no reason to contact me nor any reason to stall because in 2 weeks the inlaws lose their beds. So, if anything, he saved them for 2 weeks.

It would be a colossal mistake if W went to Florida but she is being driven by unknown inner forces. She talked about being a single mom and divorce openly with me in November if we (shh, really her) cant work things out.

It really is just a waiting game at the moment. She hasn't opposed any of my moves and it was impossible to do anything to her parents until now. She protected them. That protection is gone and they are exposed.

I passed by the house and there is no Christmas environment but I guess she could do things this weekend. It's always a waiting game.

I know this current school year will run its course as planned. That's all I can guarantee. I just dont know what's in her head.

She loves me, I'm her best friend, but she wants a new life, and she is scared to make that leap. She is scared to let go of her security.

That's what she told me in November amongst 5 billion other things. I really believe that is how she feels.

She wants the boys to have a father. She doesnt want them to be fatherless. However, what is being done to include me in their lives.

MIL is our roadblock and I hope it happens. I would love a normal relationship with S15 and I would love the opportunity to repair my relationship with S18. The only way that can happen is if we spend time together.

Hopefully this will start moving in the right direction if the pain in the arse leaves. She is stubborn and defiant so I will just have to up the nasty because it all comes down to S15 and I'm not going to allow MIL to corrupt him. So she will be pushed out.

I can only do my part and then that wife of mine has to figure out her life. We can end this cordially if need be and just be parents for once.

So hopefully we can get rid of one lunatic and I will be left with only one lunatic. Hahahaha.

So I'm off to get my protein shake and steel cut oats oatmeal which also has protein powder mixed in. One does not want to eat steel cut oats without protein powder because it has no flavor nor taste.

Anyway tonight was abs night. I think every night is abs night actually. So my abs quest continues.

I'm off this weekend and I have no more running. I was looking for a run but I told myself no. I will wait until Feb 2nd and Feb 24th. That will be a 10K and a half marathon to start 2019.

Have a good night Thunder
Thanks
« Last Edit: December 13, 2018, 05:34:40 PM by Watcher »

Online Treasur

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #107 on: December 13, 2018, 06:49:53 PM »
I think we are all sending a note to Santa on your behalf, Watcher
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #108 on: December 14, 2018, 07:54:55 AM »
Hi Treasur.

Gym already knocked off at 545am. The results were OK but it was the only opportunity for a work out today. That's a pre coffee workout. 930am is a better time slot and 430pm and 545pm are probably the best overall.

Car inspected and Dr appt all wrapped up by 10am. So now I have boys basketball tonight from 3-9pm. No running this weekend  :-\, however I will be free for the gym now  ;D. I think tomorrow will be a spa day. I also may find time for Sangria at my Portuguese spot.

Enjoy your day everyone.

Thanks

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #109 on: December 14, 2018, 10:34:28 AM »
So I was at our home alone for a bit. Unless you count the dog who was stretched out on the couch.

I found 5 phone numbers and they were kind of scribbled on a piece paper. I do this for a living. I kind of know what to look for I guess. So I did some detective work.

So one number is for a bus company in New York City that runs routes to Florida. The 2nd is for a trucking company in South Carolina. I theorize they will have their belongings freighted by train to SC and then driven to Florida.

Now they dont have furniture. They only have their clothes. MIL is a hoarder. She has all our boys old clothing in storage bins. I guess that's what she will be taking with her. IDK. That's her psychosis.

The 3rd number was for an apartment complex in the Orlando area. The 4th was for relatives in New York City and the 5th was for a woman in New Jersey. I assume the last 2 numbers are for borrowing money.

They were evicted from their apartment sometime in 2014 because they gamble. I think that contributed to W crisis. That and a death of a coworker who was like a mentor. That devastated W. Then they ended up in our home.

They have left a few times during the crisis and they keep getting evicted because they don't pay their rent. Eventhough MIL was always in our home because she just refuses to leave her daughter. Again they are gamblers.

So I have to ensure that I remove everything from the home once they leave. We will NEVER have spare beds again. I will be throwing them out. I want to leave no possibilities of a future return.

So on paper its looks like they are leaving. I was concerned that they would only go away for a few weeks but it's not like anyone wants them. They are the pariahs of their family.

I checked online on W and she is highly addicted at the moment so she is in the clouds and useless. Maybe in the clouds is not bad at this moment.

I'm praying this inlaws nightmare is coming to a close soon. Fingers crossed. I feel like I've been here before a few times.




Online in it

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #110 on: December 14, 2018, 10:59:01 AM »
Well that's encouraging anyway..finding those phone numbers and notes.
Where do the IL's go during the day? Do they gamble everyday?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #111 on: December 14, 2018, 10:59:52 AM »
Watcher, that's all good news!  It sounds like they are going this time.   ;D ;D

No sign of them going with anyone, right?  Just the two of them?

So your w has no idea what's happening?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #112 on: December 14, 2018, 11:37:52 AM »
Hi Init, Thunder.

They are good for every weekend with the gambling and their daughter does participate. They kind of have sucked her into that lifestyle. I have known her parents since 1989 and they always have gambled.

W and I didn't gamble but she started going around 2009. I looked the other way. For the most part FIL is always home. MIL drops her daughter off at work and our sons at school. MIL then picks up the boys from school and her daughter from work. That is her routine. Her role is totally unnecessary.

It's also the reason why I cannot go the house. MIL likes to cause trouble. She doesn't want peace.

FIL does take the bus during the week sometimes to go gamble on his own. That being said W is responsible for her own behavior with the casinos.

W gets paid today. Usually it's a Fri and Sun thing. One stop in NJ and the other in PA. They have their routine. The inlaws get paid on the 1st and 17th of each month. So those are the other days. I would say 7-8 days a month. Enough to blow their paychecks.

Thunder it looks like it's just the 2 of them. It was a senior complex. She is off in her world. She may or may not know. I really believe she is done with her parents. It's hard to say since we stopped talking.

I would say she knows. They probably complained to her about my actions and I'm sure BIL contacted her. That Narc mom theory of hers is legitimate and she believes it but, you know, she is still screwed up with many other issues.

No activity at the house for Christmas. I did make it clear when we took our break. The parents had to go if she ever entertained repairing our relationship. I made it very clear to her that we could never get back together due to MIL.

She is not worried about her and I because the jury is out on that and she does have her fantasy man. She is more concerned about me walking away from the boys. That's her fear. It's probably a financial fear but, fear, nontheless regarding our sons.

I also made her aware that it was not only a home issue. We needed geographical distance.

So it looks like they are departing. That's all I'm focused on. Who knows what happens next. I need them gone first and we shall see.

Thanks

Again in the past W always protected her parents and she would break NC to tell me so. Threatening me. That's all gone since she made contact with me on Nov 3rd. She is showing no opposition and that simply has never happened during this crisis. I believe that relationship finally just severed which needed to happen.



« Last Edit: December 14, 2018, 11:46:11 AM by Watcher »

Online Treasur

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #113 on: December 14, 2018, 11:56:45 AM »
Well, the signs seem positive so far, so we all have our fingers crossed.
I'm sure your MiL would not have been able to resist telling your w or trying to involve her in some way, so as you say that seems a change from before.
Of course their leaving is not a magic fix for everything as you say too, but hopefully it will be one concrete positive step towards you being able to start to tidy the bits of the mess that you can.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #114 on: December 14, 2018, 07:32:47 PM »
Well tonight I worked about 7 hours at the school. It's been a long time since last year. This was my 1st event this year mainly because I'm relagated to just boys basketball which started tonight.

At the kickboxing gym I consider the young women as girls. I don't mean that to be insulting. They mostly are in their twenties. I'm not interested in that age group.

The school, however, is just hot moms who are my age. OMG. I have forgotten that I can get into trouble at school. I will tell you a little secret. I do find women my age attractive. LOL...

So I worked with many women for 7 hours. 3 divorced.women and 1 separated. School can be very dangerous for me. Or not. IDK.

I'm just some guy whose wedding ring sits in a pawn shop and his W threw out for garbage. Of course I looked smokin hot but why would I not. Its going to be a loooooong season.  ;D

I'm kicking myself because I also should have done football and gymnastics this year.

We had 4 games tonight and I worked concessions and the gate and just oversaw operations. I was pretzel guy because I was the only one who remembered how to use the industrial oven.

I forgot all about inlaws, my crazy wife, my crazy life and 42 months. Yes a new life is very attractive.

Just, wow, how my day changed LOL....There are women from last year who I noticed. You know, I am a man. The separated women was talking to me all night. I never thought she would give me the time of day. Interesting.

OK I will go take a cold shower and go to bed. Alone. Hahahaha. I have the gym tomorrow. Wow, just, wow.  ;D 

Crisis What ? LOL...

Have a good night everyone.  ;D




Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #115 on: December 15, 2018, 06:02:54 AM »
Just don't let your w help at the school.  LOL!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #116 on: December 15, 2018, 06:08:53 AM »
LMAO, hahahahaha  ;D

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #117 on: December 15, 2018, 06:22:13 AM »
 ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #118 on: December 15, 2018, 06:56:14 AM »
It was a dual event last night with both girls and boys basketball. My counterpart girls basketball chairwoman was also there. So we worked in conjunction.

She is married and I met her husband. I do meet some married ones.  ::) So we were both in charge last night.

It's funny, she was like W bossing me around. You know how like a W can be. I sooooo loved it.  ;D. I am soooooooo ready for a wife again, lol.

She also bounced a lot of ideas off of me and asked me to solve problems. Her and I have to work together because we share concession food. So we exchanged phone numbers and I really don't believe she gave me a choice.   ::)

She was like here is my number now give me yours, lol. She has a lot of energy and enthusiasm. In my mind I'm like hey we are not reinventing the wheel. We are just overseeing operations. Make sure everything runs smoothly.

Like I said, she is married, so she is safe, or better yet, I'm safe with her. I think. I did shake her H hand so I think we are cool, lol....

I go to these monthly meetings and I'm one of like 12-15 chair people. The President always mentions my name at every meeting. There is no need for it. So people know my name eventhough I'm a pretty quiet guy.

So people have no problem approaching me because I'm well known at school eventhough I'm not responsible for it. The President does a great job of promoting me. So separated woman knows me from last year and the monthly meetings. She said, I know who you are Watcher, lol.  ::) I just learned her name last night.

Look I'm just innocently volunteering at my son's school and it's not my fault that 85 percent of the volunteers are women. Hahahaha.

I never volunteered at school until this crisis. The gift that keeps giving.  ::)

So I am off to the gym. Of course I had to conduct mirror mirror on the wall work and the abs are still cooking but developing great. I believe it's the power of the oatmeal.  ;D

Enjoy your day everyone  ;D

Thanks




Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #119 on: December 15, 2018, 07:51:32 AM »
Warcher,

Your wife's statement that you will never find anyone after her has no statistical or empirical prove. In fact, single, professionally established, financially independent man like you is a gold mine for women. I do not believe you would have much problem finding someone if you really wanted to. My friend she is beautiful European divorced woman 45 years of age. She is professionally and financially independent, owns her house, speaks many languages, well- travelled, and educated. You should see what kind of man she is willing to put up with. One loser after another.

And your wife knows it too. She is just very insecure.

Take care Watcher.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #120 on: December 15, 2018, 09:15:01 AM »
Hi Karm.

I know.  ;)

You described exactly what I find so attractive about women my age. You get to an age where the kids are ready to take flight and one can finally be an adult again. I know my W fears that deep down inside.

She is still a broken MLCer who is destroyed on so many levels. She will attract broken.

 I believe any LBS is an attractive force compared to a broken MLCer. That was a controlling/manipulative statement my W made about no women being attracted to me. She is not going to be able to replace me and she knows it.

Thanks

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #121 on: December 15, 2018, 01:21:08 PM »
Exactly Watcher,

I do not think any of our MLC ers are relationship materials. I cannot imagine what kind of woman will be attracted to my MLCH in his current state, for example. He is very nice looking guy, Watcher. But that will fade in 3 hours maximum.

I agree with you about the age, especially concerning women. At this age she knows what she wants, she is ok to say yes or no, and she could care less of what other people think about her. She is comfortable in her own skin.

One thing though not all women of your age are done being a mother. My little one is not even 6 years old. I have a lot of mothering to do. I do not believe I will ever be done being their mother. I love my children to death and they are the reason why I do not even bother to touch the dating scene. I will not tolerate if some strange guy will come and start make rules concerning my kids. He will be immediately shown the door. Nothing and nobody comes between me and my kids full stop.

Have a nice week-end.


Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #122 on: December 15, 2018, 02:52:59 PM »
Today I was with home alone S15. He doesn't want to go to private school any longer. He wants to go to public school with his friends, like now.

IDK if I can get him out in January. If I lived with him it would be a bit easier. So I told him he may just have to finish this year. So that's a no brainer. This is my last 6 months of paying for school.  ;D

This is the 2nd year now he has brought this to my attention.

No one else is home as W got paid yesterday. It has to be the casino and the inlaws dont act like people who are leaving in 9 days.

So I resumed my offensive. Remaining furniture was removed from their room and maybe 10 clothing bins of the kids old clothing. I donated all of it. A lot of old just junk of theirs in general.

There is still stuff in that room. I have blocked BIL phone number. I don't care what he has to say. So I will keep this up until nothing remains.

There will be no Christmas this year. Obviously W doesn't care much about the holiday herself. I cannot allow this to proceed further. The inlaws have to go or I have to go permanently. There is no negotiation here.

So we shall see what develops.

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #123 on: December 15, 2018, 03:57:52 PM »
Hi Watcher,

I guess my advice would be, for what it is worth is:

Your youngest son expressed he did no want to go back to that private school and wants to go to the public school with his friends.   I would make that happen as soon as you can, even if it is for half the year.  Why keep him in a school he is unhappy in?  He will love you for that.

As far as the in-laws still gambling and not leaving...take the beds.
Give them no where to sleep.  No furniture.  Not even a sofa.  The floor is it.
Hopefully with no pillows or blankets.
Make it as uncomfortable for them as you can.   ;)


« Last Edit: December 15, 2018, 04:29:01 PM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #124 on: December 15, 2018, 04:37:10 PM »
Hi Thunder,

I'm going to look into the school transfer this week. I know it can be done. Your correct. Why keep him miserable. He keeps saying the kids are not nice. He just dropped out of wrestling. Something is there again.

He was very positive earlier this year. He says his mom is not listening to him about school. Today was the 1st time he brought it to my attention. I will look into it and see if I can get it done now. I do worry about his home life and wonder if that is adding to it.

I removed a lot today regarding the inlaws. I just don't care. I have to make life miserable for them. I have no choice. It's being whittled down. I will be there Mon thru Fri this week removing more stuff. There are a lot of clothing bins in that room.

He seems frustrated about his mom. "You know how she can't get anything done dad". "I still have your phone #, they don't know I have it". He is mad.

I'm always concerned how they leave him home alone. He doesn't want to go out with them. He doesn't want to go out with me either. IDK what his deal is currently. 

I know he is still walking everyday but he spends a tremendous amount of time on that computer. Maybe tomorrow I will stop by and get him out for awhile. We need to talk in a better environment.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #125 on: December 15, 2018, 06:24:05 PM »
I sent W an email in regards to S15, school, his sucky home life, his lack of parents, etc...How she should get out of the way and allow me to parent already.

So S15 sends me a few texts. The first. Dad I changed my mind. I want to stay in private school. "Insert friends name" is not my friend anymore. He is not a good kid. I have no more friends in public school. Private school is much better. Ok odd.

The real S15 then informs me that his mom sent that text. Mom says I don't have clothes for public school. That's pure BS dad.

I replied that I will do whatever you want me to do for you S15 (I'm cognizant that she was standing there with him) Do not worry about a thing. Your dad loves you.

She really is screwed up on so many levels. These friends were inseparable and then something happened over this summer. All of a sudden the boys father was a alcoholic according to W in November when we talked.

I know he is a police officer and I know how my W seeks attention from men. So there was a falling out. W was friends with the mom so its strange.

Why does she care about private school ? Why did she send a phony text from his phone ? Why didn't she just respond to me ? Now I have to see him tomorrow because I'm worried.

Why does she want this life ? I've told her a million times to go eff that OM already. I told her I would drive her there, buy a plane ticket, just anything to get rid of her.

She is high on OM currently but wants private school for S15. What a mind f*ck.  Really WTF already with her.

Meanwhile I'm throwing out everything from her parents and she is not saying a word to me.

This is the strangest phase. Usually I have no clue about what's going on. However, I REALLY have no clue at this moment with what's going on.

We are getting rid of her parents(supposedly), not talking to me, and forcing S15 to remain in private school.

Why ? Why ? Why ?
 

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #126 on: December 15, 2018, 07:49:38 PM »
Watcher,

I believe this private school fixation is one of the channels that your wife thinks she can control you. It is obvious that she is engaged in parental alienation and is controlling your and your sons communications with you. I also believe that your S15 is being mistreated at home, and there is a differential treatment of him and his brother.  This can affect self-esteem of a 15 year old. He thinks he should always measure up to get attention from his mom/grandmother.

I would recommend if you are at home alone to check his computer. One never knows what 15 year olds can get into on-line. It is important to talk to him and it is great that he is in touch with you and trusts you. Keep those communication lines open. Can you check with Internet provider what sites they are visiting? And what are they doing on-line.

Sorry that your wife behaves in the most unreasonable way. It is one thing to be absent mother, and another thing is to be controlling and manipulative mother. She cannot blame this on her mother.

Take care Watcher.





Offline OffRoad

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #127 on: December 15, 2018, 07:53:09 PM »
Private school is a status symbol to some people. I don't know where you live, but there are also some places where the public school system is not very good. Where I live, the funny thing is we moved into this neighborhood because the schools are supposedly "good" schools, yet we ended up having to take our kids to a school a half hour away because the "good" schools don't understand Dyslexia. (D graduated from college with a degree in Robotics Engineering. I think the brain works just fine, but not in the standard way)

What are the public schools like where you are? If they are fine, then it's a status symbol thing for your W. ("We can afford Private school for OUR kids.") Or maybe a control issue.

There is the theory that things get really, really worse right before they get better, almost like the MLCer has to burn out. This may be one of those cases. She might be waitng to see if you follow through. If you will "save" her from her  mother, perhaps.

The "why" doesn't really matter, though. What matters is that you stay on course. Get ILs out of there. Take care of S15. Maybe work on building some bridges for S18, who by the way may feel like you let HIM down, and now you are there for S15. That is just a thought that you should keep in mind since he had to deal with his mom without much help from you from 15 to 18 (I think, is that right?) You did what you could, but he was still a kid and stuck with the crazy. So building bridges with S18 might be a good idea. If there is anything you might have wished you had done differently for S18, tell him so. If I had been in his shoes, I'd have been very hurt by the whole debacle yet tried to deal. Kids hurt when their parents fight/break up and they act out in ways that are not always respectful. But they are still just kids doing the best they can with a lot less life experience than we have. Off my soap box now.

Keep going, Watcher. It's looking good from the cheap seats.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Treasur

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #128 on: December 15, 2018, 08:10:50 PM »
I suspect the why is about control and keeping you hooked in on the financial commitment of your 'father' role mostly in your W's eyes....I mean if ils go, and S18 goes to college, and no Watcher in the house....how does she keep you in the game...and what/who does your w have to control, fight with, blame and get to do adult while she is in her own little virtual world?

You know that what you describe is not normal right? Not for a teenage boy, not for how a mother behaves with a teenage boy? Your son is obviously reaching out to you for help the best he can.
I think your instincts on the small clues are right and getting some time one on one with your son is important. It's about much more than school insuspect.  Keep the textvas evidence of weird/alienation bc if things get legal, pretty likely that is one way your w will fight.  Could your S15 just come and live with you Watcher?
« Last Edit: December 15, 2018, 08:15:05 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #129 on: Today at 04:43:40 AM »
Hi Treasur, OffRoad, Karm.

I agree with you that its about control. I know its definitely a status symbol. W thinks we have money. She always is telling the boys that one. IMO we have modest incomes and live in a modest home.

She is so far gone in her fantasy world that she confuses me when she fights for this reality. Other than a mortgage and private school that I pay why does she care or need that control is a better word.

If I go a long stretch without seeing the boys then she complains. That was part of her cycling back to me in November. Reinforcing the value of my role.

Meanwhile she leaves S15 home alone yesterday. Again that's fine but I will gladly spend the day with him. As usual I stumbled on the scene.

I have been working my schedule around the inlaws. I'm sure they are angry. I just need to focus on continuing to push them out because I do see that I'm fighting for S15 at this point. They will go no matter. I just have to avoid the boys seeing conflict.

That's also the main reason why I always was NC with their mom because I know they were tired of her fighting with me.

S18 has anxiety/depression. He is a different story. Both women treat him like he is a Prince. BIL was raised the same way. Not much is expected from the Prince.

S15 is raised like my W IMO. She was the oldest but she was a girl. Now S15 does not like going out with them so there has to be a reason why. He also walks like I did. I know it's for physical exercise and weight loss but I also know that's for escape and mental exercise.

Both boys have been fed a ton of garbage about me. I have seen S15 fight the unfounded accusations. Unfortunately S18 is a sponge and he let's it in.

It's really nothing that I have done, per se, to S18. It's the 2 women. We had a good stretch from June thru November until his flare up the other day.

Both boys love their grandmother. She has raised them. Unfortunately that is a fact. They dont view her like I do. So S18 maybe lashing out because I'm getting rid of them. In his world she is #1 then his parents come next.

My W is correct that we never should have allowed the woman in our lives. My thinking is, yes, we made a mistake and it's never to late to correct it. W believes this is our plight. Nope. I intend to break it now.

Both boys really have had no full time parents now for 42 months. Yes I lived there for 18 months at different times and I see them 5 times a week but there always has been conflict.

We have MIL who tells the boys not to listen to either one of us. That's the great thing about S15. He tells me everything.

Overall I dont believe they want a hands on father. I dont believe my FIL was a day to day father. They just want a provider which is just not good enough for me.

I believe we are past W monster. Currently MIL is the monster so that's why I'm pushing her out. Yes I'm ready for an adult life but I do realize that both S18 and S15 need me around in their lives for years to come in some capacity.

W mentions my dad a lot. Both he and FIL worked and then sat in front of a television. That's not the life I want. Maybe that was their generation. Pay bill's, keep quiet and allow the woman to do whatever she wants.

I need a reason to be in a relationship. The thing I liked about November was that I got to showcase myself. I took her out everywhere. I showed her, this is the life we can have together.

At the same I showed myself this is the life I want to share with someone. I'm not going to be my father or her dad. If she cant understand what is required in being in a relationship then I will find someone who wants to spend time with me.

So, yes, I agree. The 1st objective is still the removal of the inlaws.

Enjoy your day
Thanks

« Last Edit: Today at 04:47:21 AM by Watcher »

Offline Brenross

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #130 on: Today at 05:03:00 AM »


Yes I'm ready for an adult life but I do realize that both S18 and S15 need me around in their lives for years to come in some capacity.



Very true Watcher.....and you will need your boys around in your life until your last breath.  You have much to teach them and they you.  Never underestimate the bond between parent and child. 

I am loving your change in focus in your threads.  I am pleased that S15 is reaching out to you.  Don't lose hope for S18....just continue being there for both boys.

This latest fight is for your boys Watcher...they are what really count atm.  You need to get control of your boys back from MIL - you are their parent, yes you may have been indisposed somewhat but you had there interest at heart.  You are now back again.


Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
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Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
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Divorced Sept 2016
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🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

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Online Treasur

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #131 on: Today at 05:36:45 AM »
In a funny way, it seems like November was a bit of a gift to you. Showed you the difference between surviving and living maybe. Let you reconnect a little with both of your sons. Showed you some realities about where your W's head is at.

You certainly seem to be in a very different mindset now, Watcher....which might come as a bit of a surprise to some other people lol...but seems nothing but good for you.
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Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #132 on: Today at 05:48:53 AM »
I don't think Watcher's mindset has changed, I think he is just being more forceful now.

He's not waiting for his W to get the in laws out, he sees it won't happen unless he forces her out.

His youngest coming to him for rescue also is giving him the strength to do something about his schooling.  No longer listening to the W.  Plus the episode with his oldest showed him how harmful those two woman have been for him.

Watcher's gonna kick butt now.  8)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #133 on: Today at 05:52:07 AM »
Ha ha, kickboxing butt  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #134 on: Today at 06:57:58 AM »
Watcher,

You can have both (adult life and be a father to your children). These are not mutually exclusive. If I ever date someone, I would want that someone to be a good parent to his children. It will be a deal breaker for me if that man is not a good, involved and kind parent.

Take care Watcher.

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #135 on: Today at 07:55:09 AM »
Hi Brenross, Treasur, Thunder, Karm.

I was really done with W in April 2017 when I left. In hindsight all her Monster was hers alone up til that date. So then I had NC until her and the inlaws begged me to come back for the sake of the boys in Sept 2017.

W and I really left each other alone during those ensuing 6 months. Her parents were behind her outbursts for the most part IMO.

Then W asked me to leave again in March 2018. I left that night thinking to myself, eff this sh!te and eff this woman already. So I was angry over the next few months.

Then she came for me In November 2018. In hindsight she should have left me alone but I believe she is pushing me. I told her she should have let me be.

She showed me what I was missing and what I wanted out of life and who I wanted in my life. So I blame her.  ;)

I recognize that she is mlc and mentally ill at the same time. She is not going to change without medical help. I cannot change that dynamic. However, I can change the enabler dynamic. For the sake of my relationship with my sons, I have to crush the enablers once and for all.

W opened that door by talking about her abusive Narc mom. I saw the abuse myself from MIL. I heard her vile comments. She is one disgusting human being and I no longer want her around my son's.

W did talk to me about how S15 has to graduate from the same school as S18. It wouldn't be fair Watcher. I get that aspect. My rational side doesn't get why she wants to live this way.

My IC says she enjoys her world. We do not have a family life. I'm hoping once I get rid of the inlaws that we can have a family life or I can be more involved or present in the boys lives.

Again I know she will not change without help. I don't know if she will ever find that motivation on her own.

I really cannot worry about what she is going to do or not going to do. The boys need more a life free from control and manipulation. Hopefully this removal will continue as planned as I'm really giving all involved little choice in the matter.

Again W is not stopping me and I'm just rolling over her parents. I try to remove as much as possible while no one is home in order to prevent any hostility.

I will be done sometime this week. They have very little left.

Raining today but I got the gym in this morning.

Thanks
« Last Edit: Today at 07:56:24 AM by Watcher »

Offline Thunder

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #136 on: Today at 08:09:00 AM »
Looks like they may not need that moving van after all...unless their daughter plans on going with them.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #137 on: Today at 08:31:21 AM »
Looks like they may not need that moving van after all...unless their daughter plans on going with them.   ;D

Small cynical thought and bc your w has 'form'...is it worth saying explicitly to both of your sons that if the whole crew ship out to FL and your w assumes that includes the boys, that they do not have to go and that they should call you immediately and you will pick them up? Might not fly with S18 but might be the escape/permission that S15 needs to pick his 'corner' ?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: THE RUNNING KICKBOXING MAN 8
« Reply #138 on: Today at 09:36:47 AM »
I'm not concerned. W and the boys are not leaving. Yes the parents do not need a moving van. They will have their clothes and a couple of suitcases if I'm nice.

S18 will graduate as planned. He will not leave. S15 will also not leave. I find it hard to believe that W will be all alone in that house with the 2 boys but it appears to be going that route.

I guess I have to wait and see what happens once they depart. The fact that W did not respond to my email but pretended to by S15 via text is not a good sign. I gather we will not be communicating.

 

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