Author Topic: My Story Perspective  (Read 1489 times)

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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My Story Perspective
« on: December 03, 2018, 01:01:22 PM »
BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2018, 01:48:51 PM »
I've had some time to process.  What a freaking mess, right? 

I've thought about what has been bothering me the most about all this.  I wasn't surprised that he was lying or who he was with.  I've discussed my suspicions her numerous times.  I believe I was having a couple of things going on.  One being that whole not feeling good enough.  That he chose her because I lacked something.  And second because this time seemed so calculated.  I guess I was able to have some understanding of the crazy making of the first episodes with his first AP.  But this time he knew what he was doing and it was so bottom of the barrel. 

There was this struggle inside of me and I had no outlet.  I couldn't cry.  I couldn't stay angry.  I don't know how to explain it.  The first affair I could cry.  I went through all the emotions.  That makes sense to me.  But my reaction to this kind of was so cool and scared me all at the same time. 

I did have to take myself to task on comparing myself to his ap's or his choices in ap's.  There is no comparison.  They are crazy and I'm not.  At least not that freaking crazy.  That was kind of tough to do.  Took me some time. 

As far as the text messages.  I just replied to her by name.  LOL.  She said it wasn't her.  I said, ok, until you tell me who you are we aren't having a conversation.  She has not replied.  Thankfully.  Who does that crap?  The worst thing these last 3 years of that kind of $h!te happening I thought it was his first ap.  I almost feel bad about thinking that.  LOL.  X went from crazy to off the firetrucking wall crazy.  But I did some reflecting and I know who it is now.  So no reason to let it upset me.  I'll consider the source from now on and just shake it off.

I have not gone no contact with x.  We don't talk a whole lot.  But I feel there is no reason to go that route.  I did that before to heal and protect myself.  I know the deal now and I don't care who he is with.  I wasn't even jealous.  I just didn't like being lied to and put in the position he put me in.  As long as I stay out of that position and keep my boundaries he can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants and it won't affect me because we are  not together.  As I told him we can be friends in a very light sense as long as he is respectful and keeps within a respectable distance of my personal life. 

He has tried a few times to overstep and I've addressed that immediately.  He has now quit that crap.  I'm not sure if he has returned to his brother's wife or is on his own.  I don't discuss it with him, it's none of my business.  He still lives down the road from me but I don't intrude on him nor him on me.  I don't spy or even drive that way when I leave unless I absolutely have to. 

My horse that has been ill has been diagnosed with EPM.  He starts treatment this week.  It's 30 days of treatment, no guarantees it will work but I'm hoping for the best.  They were all moved to the new boarding facility today.  I could not be there.  Mandatory 6 day work weeks now until further notice.  So x went there to make sure they were transported safely and happy in their new pasture.  He sent me photo's and they looked happy.  I can't wait to get off work to go and see them.  Now I'll be able to also see Rain everyday again since they are all at the same stables again! 

There's a lot going on for the holidays - parties and such.  X offered to be my dd.  I said no thanks.  As I explained, we are friends, and I use that term loosely, and I have my life and friends and he has his.  I am more than happy to help out if he needs something but he doesn't get to do stuff like that with me.  He understood. 

He and I have had a few discussions about some of this.  He's still in therapy. 

I'm doing so much better.  I'm getting a new perspective about myself. 
BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline Treasur

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2018, 05:52:56 PM »
Ah, tmt, you sound good and very tmt-ish.
I like your boundaries, very straightforward and minimal drama. There is a time when NC at all can be necessary and a time when you are sufficiently disengaged that it doesn't really matter.
And the fact that you see so clearly that it is s f'd up mess but not your f'd up mess is lovely.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2018, 12:04:55 AM »
Just say "No" to the drama llama!

You are Rockin' it.... I love the part about "loosely termed friends" and NOT getting to do certain things anymore....

More like an acquaintance....

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2018, 09:10:58 PM »
How are you doing, Tmt?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2018, 09:30:54 AM »
Hello Treasur.  I'm doing ok.  I'm working a lot of hours right now.  It's RV Season here so it's non-stop.

I'm almost ready for x-mas. The tree is up and some of the gifts are purchased.  I still have d19's birthday to finish up also.  Oldest d and s will be joining me and d19 on X-mas eve to have dinner and enjoy the evening.  I'm looking forward to that. 

X is still in therapy.  I do speak with him and we do spend a bit of time hanging out, as friends only, on occasion.  It doesn't bother me much anymore.  I'm pretty detached from it all. 

Oldest d has not spoken with him since this happened.  She doesn't call him dad right now.  He is him to her and she even has a hard time with that.  Son speaks to his dad and is having an early week x-mas get together with just him.  Son is still struggling a bit with it all.  Oldest d is glad I'm talking to HIM (LOL) because she doesn't want to right now but wants to know he is ok.  Son is also glad because he said it makes it easier on him to deal with his dad.  I told them I wouldn't let his firetruck ups change me again.  I will treat him the way I'd want to be treated with my boundaries firmly in place of course.  My kids were there for me during a very dark time and I'm glad I can step up and be there for them this time since that idiot drug all of us through his $h!te this time. 

X has explained a lot of what he's been through and why certain things have happened.  He has admitted he used me to get out of the situation he was in.  Just like he used the first ow to get out of the marriage with me, the brother's wife to get out of the situation with the first ow and me to get out of the situation with his brother's wife.  I'm no different than any of his affair partners.  Just someone to use.  I'm aware of it this time though so I don't fall for any bs nor am I involved with him other than casual friends. 

But at least there's no drama.  He can't make drama if I don't let any of his $h!te bother me. 

So going into a new year looking at life a bit differently.  It's a good thing I think.  I'm settling in a lot easier this time and really just focusing on my life. 
BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2019, 08:31:20 PM »
Just a quick update. It’s been a stressful couple of months. Right before Christmas one of my horses was diagnosed with epm. That has kept me focused on him and his treatments through the holidays. So I had a busy mind and was able to get through the holidays pretty well emotionally.

My horse finished his treatment a bit over a week ago and vet was out for his check up gave him a green light and told me to get him back to some exercise. I was very happy.

X has been behaving well with the kids and they seem to be recovering and finding their way with him. Except for youngest d. Lol. She’s a very smart cookie.

X has continued his therapy and goes regularly. He’s also been continuing to be nice to me as I have been to me. It’s certainly not a bed of roses. There’s nothing easy about this situation but I’d say we are both being respectful and kind still to each other.

Then this last week just went to hell. I’m tired from the hours and stress at work. I’m tired from the stress of the situation with the x. Tuesday I went for a ride, just in the arena. A bit of exercise for Sunny and just to spend some time with him. He spooked at the rail on our trot, which is steel and concrete, at some ribbon hanging off the rail and he went left and I lost my seat and came off on the right into the steel railings. Bruised my ribs and messed up my shoulder.

Then today x offers to go with me to tack up Sunny so I can ride and help me groom the other 2 horses and since he did all the work with Sunny I told him he could ride (he’s not afraid of Sunny they are fine together) and I would get Thunder and just get him warmed up in the round pen. Thunder is the one just recovered from epm.

I go to get him and he’s lame again. He can barely walk again. I was so discouraged and upset. So upset for Thunder. He’s suffered so damn much. I won’t know if this is a relapse of the epm or something else until the vet gets out there.

I just feel defeated. I’m so freaking sad.

When I got home I just had a total meltdown. Right in front of x. The last thing I wanted to do. He was very kind to me though. He just held me while I cried my eyes out and just babbled on about everything that was weighing on my mind. He just held me and listened for the most part. Just told me he understood.

He said he thinks just all the stress is catching up with me. That he was so very sorry. So I just cried some more and he just held me. He didn’t even make fun of me like he would normally do. So I guess that’s a bit of progress.

I feel like I’m overloaded. I’m just so damn tired.

X has been very kind to me since everything came out in the open. We have had several pretty rough discussions and he’s stepped out of line a couple times but on the whole he’s been very nice to not just me but the kids also. He does nice things. He baked me brownies the other night and had me stop by to grab them on my way home from work. He doesn’t invade my space anymore. He always asks me to his house. 

He thanks me all the time for not just tossing his ass and being his friend. He says he knows I worry about him and I only stayed in his life over the holidays to make sure he was ok. Which is true. Cause I was so freaking mad and hurt but he was not in a good place and I know how hard that is especially at the holidays.

He’s becoming a very nice person. It’s so freaking sad he didn’t find this direction before he pulled his last stunt. We might have had a chance. Now I just try and find the positives to where this is now. The kids are doing better and they will reap the rewards of his progress thankfully. And he and I can get along which is better than what was.

It’s weird after all he’s done and especially the last bunch of craziness but I don’t think he will do anything like that again. If he continues therapy and keeps progressing. There really is a big change in him. He falters at times back to negative thinking but it doesn’t last but for a day or so.  And therapy helps him a lot with being conscious of his negative thoughts.

So he now treats me the way I always wished for but we aren’t together anymore. Lol. It’s just sad. Well for me. It’s good for him that he’s finding his way. I’ve been ripped off!!  Lol. When he finds a nice woman she will reap the rewards of all this. I’ll be back in therapy because I’m pissed off I got the short end of it all. LOL. Life is so strange sometimes.

BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2019, 03:47:07 AM »
TMT,

I know that you feel that you are done but I can't help wondering HOW done. Reading your post could lead someone (like me) to see it as a conditionally done... as in IF... IF he gets his poop together in one sock and IF his R with his kids gets back on track and IF you are not already snatched up by some lucky guy (NOT saying you are looking or anything - just spelling out a list of conditionals) and IF you felt that you could form an R with the v2 of him....

You know, that whole IF thing while living your own life...

You did have MORE than enough on your plate to deal with and H was actually supportive and helpful...

Maybe it doesn't result in a reconciliation but only a friendly reconnection?  Would that also be OK for you?

Just some stream of consciousness questions....

I am glad that he was able to help and to be supportive though... Probably did a number on your head for a bit too, eh?

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2019, 09:36:30 AM »
Hello UrsaMajor.  Really great questions.  I'm not sure I even know the answers to them. 

I wanted so much, before I found out about this mess he had made, to just see him for who he is.  Just be himself.  Treat me how he'd treat me if there weren't any boundaries in place.  That shows a whole lot of what kind of person you are dealing with.  Never got that.  Then finding out about all this yucky ass mess.  So I immediately put boundaries there.  And I've kept them.  And I add to them when he pushes too much.  It's not an if you do this and fix that I might give you a chance.  Really it's not. 

I honestly have no clue if what comes out of his mouth is a truth or a lie.  If he learns enough in therapy to be able to play his game better or if he actually has a different outlook on life.  This would be less confusing for me if he just went away for a couple of years and lived his life and did whatever changes he wanted and then came back in my life with a clean slate so to speak.  Just being whoever he is.  I hope that makes sense.

But that isn't going to happen so I'm doing my best to find my way through this.  I have my ups and downs but it's getting better.  I don't want it to consume me.  We are keeping at friend status and I'm happy with that.  He keeps saying he wants to move forward but I don't and we've discussed that and he understands.  I don't trust him and everything is still very fresh for me. 

I'm really happy that I can work through this without the extreme hurt and pain of the beginning 5 years ago of this crazy firetrucked up ride.  I used to say what I wanted most was for his actions to not affect me.  I'm pretty much there. LOL.  I don't want his actions to cause me to hate or feel fear.  I don't hate him or even his sister in law.  I think she's a nut job but I don't hate her.  I will take matters into my hands if she messes with my kids ever again, but I honestly could walk right past her at this time and even give her a what's up.  LOL. 

That makes me so happy.  It's freeing.  Their actions don't define me or control me. 

X and I are getting along.  We aren't talking about anything of what has happened.  He has said he can't right now.  That's what he always says.  But I've worked through it and I don't ask.  He says he will be able to when he has some more time in therapy. 

We hang out occasionally.  We had a movie night Saturday.  Picked up Subway and had popcorn.  I took the couch and the 2 kittens he just got and we made him sit in the chair.  LOL.  He helps me when he can with the horses so I can ride.  I'm still injured from my fall so tacking up and grooming is extremely painful.  And that's helpful.  The rest of the time I do it myself and enjoy the alone time with my horses. 

I've helped him out here and there also.  Like friends.  There when you need a friend and the rest of the time we each do our own thing. 

And yes, anytime he's nice to me it does make me have all these thoughts in my head.  Like, what's he up to now? what's he hiding? what does he want? etc.  It's getting easier though.  Working through all that.  Went back to focusing on me and what I need to do to let go and work through to where I want to be. 
BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline Treasur

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2019, 10:02:00 AM »
You do sound detached but guarded, tmt, which seems healthy.
It is completely sane after so many lies for so long to simply accept that you have no idea what is truth or lie with them now...and sometimes maybe they don't even know actually. What a messy way to be as a grown human....do you even want to listen if he wants to talk now? And what does he want in terms of 'moving forward' that you don't want to give? Can he even put clear words to that?

How lovely to hear that you feel freed by your detachment too. I think chump lady calls it 'meh' and it is an undoubtedly more peaceful spot when we trip over it. I presume that bats$it crazy SiL et al have dropped back into silence with you now so no more wtf messages or stalking or contacting your kids?

What do you think you gain from 'hanging out' with him at all as opposed to no contact, out of interest? And what do you think he gets out of it? As UM says, is there still a bit of 'if' in you or do you not know yet or are you more actively not wishing to even go there? Do you have someone else in your life as an intimate partner or are you looking for that at the moment?

And how are your kids adapting to the current version of your h, especially your sassy daughter? (I think you are still legally married or am I wrong?)

It is so useful to see that there are different ways of dealing with this and them over the longer-term hence my nosy questions lol. But for LBS coming up behind you and some of the other 'vets', I think it is reassuring to see that there are lots of different outcomes but many of them can still lead to a good sane life.

I'm sorry that your injury is impacting on horse fun, although glad that you can use your free MLC groom lol. I hope that you are on the mend so you can get back to full speed soon.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2019, 10:09:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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