Author Topic: My Story Perspective  (Read 1487 times)

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3662
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Perspective
« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2019, 08:03:02 AM »
Hello Treasur. 

Hmmm..you and UM always ask the hard questions.  LOL. 

It's true I have no idea what the truth is.  I'm pretty sure I have a good overview of it though.  It's easier than you think to kind of put it all together.  But no way to prove it.  I'm very sure he knows what the truth is.  I bought it for a bit that he might be so messed up that it was all jumbled in his mind.  But I don't believe that at all now.  He knew exactly what he was doing and he remembers it.  Just doesn't want to admit to any of it.  It would make him look bad.  And he has admitted that what people think of him is a guiding force for him.  He has said that is part of what the problem was when we were married.  You know, I didn't live up to his friends standards.  He looked bad when he was with me.  Of course it's all different now because he's changed.  I know that is bs.  Right now he just cares what the kids think of him so being with me is acceptable.  But as soon as he feels he has that wrapped up it will go right back to what it was.  People don't change their at their core. 

His crazy sil has stopped contacting me, thankfully.  I'm pretty sure because the x and her are talking.  If he totally ended things with her she is not the type that would quit causing grief.  But if they are talking there is a good chance he told her he wouldn't talk to her again if she contacted me.  That's what makes sense to me.  I could be wrong, but I doubt it.  This woman bought a throw away phone to contact me.  Had several fake fb profiles to follow me and contact me.  There's no way she just went away.  As far as I know she has not contacted my daughter again. 

What do I get from hanging out with him?  Well at first, right after finding out about this stuff, I was genuinely concerned for his well being.  Then after he seemed to recover, quite quickly I might add, I thought we could have some open and honest communication and it would help me heal.  But that was mostly just the run around.  At some point I just let it go.  I'm never going to get an open and honest conversation with him about any of this.  No contact, though, at this point, seems a bit ridiculous.  He can't hurt me anymore.  The hanging out part at this point needs to stop.  I just haven't been able to figure out how to do this without causing the x or my kids grief.  Right now there is no drama.  I kind of need that.

As far as what he gets with hanging out with me?  Who knows?  But you know he's getting something from it. 

I have not thought about nor am I interested in anything romantic with x.  He is fully aware of that.  He keeps saying that's what he wants.  To be back together.  But I've heard the line so many times when he was with someone else and manipulating me.  It means nothing to me.  He'll make mention of WHEN we are together again and I correct that each and every time.  Honestly, I think he just can't find what or who he's looking for and I'm just a safe stop along his crazy ass journey. 

I'm not seeing anyone and I don't have any desire to and haven't for a while.  What a mess that whole dating $h!te is.  I'm happy being alone actually.  I've come to find out I'm a bit of an introvert.  Yes I do enjoy going out and having some fun when I have the time.  But the rest of the time I prefer to be by myself.  I don't think I could ever live with someone. 

Yes, we are sill legally married.  My sassy daughter is having none of him still.  LOL.  He did get two kittens and she has been to his house twice to see them and make sure he is taking care of them properly.  But she doesn't talk to him other than that.  I don't have him at my house for anything anymore since I found out about his relationship with his sil.  I did put a stop to that immediately.  He's only been over to give sassy daughter her birthday present.  Son has forgiven his dad and has a relationship with him and oldest d talks to him and sees him but I think she is very guarded with him.  We don't talk about any of it anymore. 

I have thought through all this $h!te storm many times over.  I guess what sticks with me and leads me to believe that x knows exactly what he is doing is that he played me so well for well over a year.  He took a large sum of money from me that I loaned to him while he was with his brother's wife.  He continued on, even after moving, until he was caught.  Then all of a sudden he's a changed man.  LOL.  I don't think it works like that. 

Honestly I'm just taking my life one day at a time.  Working toward getting back on track.  It may seem like this latest escapade was a breeze for me to work through, it's really only been a couple of months since I found out.  And I have no outlet, but here.  I don't cry, I don't talk about it much at all.  It's just all sitting inside me.  I have a lot of anger I'm trying to keep under control and work through. 

I'm  not sure which is worse.  Complete sadness which is what I went through 5 years ago.  Or what I feel now.  Total anger, distrust and resentment. 
BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline serenity

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3419
  • Gender: Female
Re: Perspective
« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2019, 08:16:03 AM »
Hello TMT

I can understand how you feel totally.

You’ve given your H so many chances and he’s played and manipulated you.

I sort of feel the same way but I still have the sadness too. If anything since the last lot of going’s on with my H he’s increased my sadness!

Good to hear you’re mostly ok with it all though

Hugs

X

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3187
  • Gender: Female
Re: Perspective
« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2019, 11:23:19 AM »
It's still a process, TMT. You just got to anger a little later on.

Hanging out benefits him in many ways. See? He's an ok guy, TMT still hangs out with him.TMT doesn't hate him, so if he really wants to (some day)  have a romantic relationship, if you aren't running screaming, it could happen. If hanging out is ok and not detrimental to you, you are grown adults.

But my curiosity leads me to how do you hang out with a person who causes such anger in you? Or is the anger directed not at his actions, but somewhere else? Since I find no benefit to my well being in spending time with someone I cannot trust, I'd appreciate a different perspective. Maybe I'm doing it wrong  :)

I hope you heal from your fall soon. It's hard when physical circumstances limit what you love to do.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11483
  • Gender: Female
Re: Perspective
« Reply #13 on: January 26, 2019, 11:41:43 AM »
When I feel my anger I get the message something is wrong.

Whatever you do you are going to need to release it somehow. Frustration and pent up anger is not good for your health. And if anyone really needs to reach the anger stage good lord it is you. I cannot believe how calm you have been through this mess.
I'm not sure what it's gong to take to get you there
Frankly? I don't know how you sit in the same room with him. Are you doing this because you feel obligated somehow because he's your H?

Your H is still pretty much f'ed up..but that's what he can say to himself..

"I'm not a bad guy,I'm cool, we're still friends,TMT's cool with it and my behavior, we hang out. It's cool."


(while he is still or was effing his SIL :o)

TMT YOU deserve so much better than this.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2019, 11:43:20 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Ready2Transform

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7591
  • Gender: Female
Re: Perspective
« Reply #14 on: January 26, 2019, 11:51:08 AM »
I'm going to say this, because I'm kind of in the camp with In It that there's something happening in the grief process that is keeping you from completely cutting him out and letting the grown kids have him to mitigate on their own. I think it's a trauma bond. I think what he's done is so huge (and it really is) and he turns it off and on at such intervals that you're trying to find a balance instead of an escape. Google "trauma bond" and recovery from it, and you may agree.

Quote
I just haven't been able to figure out how to do this without causing the x or my kids grief.  Right now there is no drama.  I kind of need that.

Your grief is also important, and I hope there is a point soon where you can see that cutting him off actually ends the drama. You are not responsible for making this person okay with that. Like when you had to move your horses - you saw they were being damaged staying where they were, and you were on it. You didn't need to make the prior stable okay with your leaving, and you didn't check up on them later. It was a toxic situation that got cut off so a much better situation could be the norm.

I only say this because I think you are so great and have so much going for you. I don't want this dark cloud to slow the progression of your life, which had a lot of momentum before he barged back in with his "changes" (IMO). Just my thoughts - throw out if they don't resonate.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2019, 11:53:04 AM by Ready2Transform »
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11483
  • Gender: Female
Re: Perspective
« Reply #15 on: January 26, 2019, 12:18:57 PM »
I think you might be onto something Ready2  :)

Look up trauma bond.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7898
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Perspective
« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2019, 04:32:45 AM »
Quote from: R2T
Your grief is also important, and I hope there is a point soon where you can see that cutting him off actually ends the drama. You are not responsible for making this person okay with that. Like when you had to move your horses - you saw they were being damaged staying where they were, and you were on it. You didn't need to make the prior stable okay with your leaving, and you didn't check up on them later. It was a toxic situation that got cut off so a much better situation could be the norm.

I'd go one step farther and say that protecting H from grief is NOT your responsibility or your job. Protecting your kids I can see up to a point - they are older though and, if they have your support, they can navigate the stream....

H, however, has done NOTHING to earn your protection...   

As far as his "miraculous" change?
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6837
  • Gender: Female
Re: Perspective
« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2019, 06:43:55 AM »
I agree with the others, tmt, that something isn't lining up in what you say. Now, bear in mind that I am the Queen of Confused Disoonance so no criticism here.

But you are saying some opposite things.

Some of it might be bc, you are quite right, the most recent WTF stuff was only a couple of months ago so you are processing. And as you say "i have no outlet, but here.  I don't cry, I don't talk about it much at all.  It's just all sitting inside me."

You are spending time with someone you feel "Total anger, distrust and resentment" towards. Ignore the whys...this person has lied, abused and created chaos in your life and your childrens' lives for 5 years. Your anger and distrust is entirely reasonable, and you are having contact with your abuser while feeling that. How does that help you? Now it may be that there are some not so attractive reasons...that you get a small release from your anger by seeing him want what you will not give him. Or some wish for connection still. Or some need to make things better somehow. Idk. But you are a smart, strong woman so being honest about it will help you make a healthier choice. Hanging with your abuser when you are getting nothing healthy from it doesn't sound wise. I'm sure you're right too that your h gets too look like he isn't a bad guy which is a motivation for him to spend time with you...but is that something you want to give him right now?

You say also that you want no more drama. Understandably. Yet you also say "His crazy sil has stopped contacting me, thankfully. I'm pretty sure because the x and her are talking.  If he totally ended things with her she is not the type that would quit causing grief." Sounds like a reasonable assumption. But if true, then you will continue to be in the triangle of their relationship if you have any contact with him. So you are a hostage to someone else's fortune....and I don't think you want that.

You say too that "No contact, though, at this point, seems a bit ridiculous.  He can't hurt me anymore.". Well, hanging out with someone you are deeply angry with without expressing it and being a potential part of any future SiL drama are two ways in which it CAN hurt you. Just bc you can does not mean you should perhaps.

You also say "The hanging out part at this point needs to stop." but that you "haven't been able to" because you are concerned about how your kids and h may react, or further "grief". Well, as UM says, not sure your h's feelings should be big on your hit list after his "miraculous" recovery from deep despair... and you also say that one daughter is "having none of him", another "sees him...but is very guarded"and that your son has "forgiven his dad and has a relationship with him". So, given that, what would change if you went NC at least for a while?


You owe us no explanation, Tmt. None at all. But imho it is important after 5 years of grief, pain and trauma that you are very honest with yourself. My starting place I guess is that if you have anger, resentment and distrust, hanging with that person needs to have a bloody good reason which helps you right now. And I'm just not seeing it in what you say.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 06:45:55 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3662
  • Gender: Female
Re: Perspective
« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2019, 12:03:50 PM »
I get it that no one understands.  I don't know how to explain it to you.  But there is a purpose to what I choose to do.  It's something I'm searching for.  Doesn't really matter as long as I understand it. 

On the plus side, through a talk with the x last night, which was a good talk.  He got where I was coming from.  Maybe that's all I was looking for.  Some understanding. I don't know.  But from that conversation I was able to find the courage to be absolutely honest with him and to tell him I would like to proceed with the divorce.  Not the one he started, but one we will do ourselves.  He agreed.  He said he doesn't want one but he understands and will give me no issue with it. 

Neither of us was mean to each other.  This is a new start for both of us without being tied to each other.  I think it's a relief.  I'm so happy.  No matter what happens in my life after this divorce, I will be free.  No one can control me. 

BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6837
  • Gender: Female
Re: Perspective
« Reply #19 on: January 28, 2019, 12:11:27 PM »
Of course you are right, tmt, and you must trust your own judgment.
Congratulations on finding the courage you needed to see and say clearly what you want now. I'm so pleased that you feel happy with your choice and that your h hopefully will now respect that as he said.
I remember when I first read through your thread, tmt, how much I admired you. I thought you were loving and ballsy and full of life in the worst of circumstances. I wanted to be like you bc I was a wreck. Now I hope that you will feel free again to be all those lovely things but even more so x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.