Author Topic: My Story Perspective  (Read 1488 times)

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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My Story Re: Perspective
« Reply #20 on: January 28, 2019, 12:38:52 PM »
Thank you Treasur.  When he first started seeing me a while back, before I knew what was going on, I still wanted the divorce.  Even if we were going to proceed forward.  I just didn't know how to tell him.  The reason I wanted it was to have a fresh start.  To be independent of him.  To not have to go through divorce proceedings if things didn't work out while going through the emotional turmoil.  I just didn't know how to tell him. 

I've never wanted him to feel I didn't love and care for him.  Even when he was being the biggest $h!te ever.  I still love and care for him but now I also love and care for me. 

Anger for me helps me do the things I'm afraid of.  One thing I've learned from all of this is to quit running from my fears.  Face them.  It gives you back yourself and your strength and your power.  Being able to face this has been very important to me.  Very hard.  Very painful.  And it makes me angry, yes.  But that anger is helping me tie up loose ends.  So I'm ok with it. 

X is getting better.  I can see that.  I don't trust him.  But he's working hard.  I'll give him that.  Maybe he will find his way too.  He will feel free too. 

There is strength and wisdom in everyone's posts here. 

I'll post some of the things x shared with me yesterday, regarding his life with the tramp stamps he was with later in the week.  It will help those who were like me who thought we weren't enough.  There must be something special about the ow.  X was very open yesterday so we did cover a lot of territory.  We were actually smiling and laughing at the end of our conversation.  I don't think I need to know anymore about it at this point.  That's a huge relief! 

X also was very open about his depression, which he fully believes he was drowning in depression.  I don't know and probably never will know if that's true or not but he's certainly becoming a nicer person.  I hope he continues on that path and if it was depression I hope he never suffers through that again. 

And Treasur, you are a very strong and intelligent person.  I was also a complete wreck for so damn long.  I think it goes with the territory.  And I've thought about this a lot and I bet you have too.  As much devastation as we have dealt with, I'm still glad I was on the receiving end and not the giving end of the $h!te storm.  I don't think I could have lived with myself if it was the other way around.  In a weird way I think we are the lucky ones. 
BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #21 on: January 29, 2019, 07:24:51 AM »
TMT,

Our replies/musings are all coming through the filters of our own experiences and they are all different from yours so, you don't need to make us understand. As long as you have a handle on what is going on, where you are going, what you are doing and to what purpose, that is REALLY what matters at the end... It is, after all, YOUR life that you have to lead....

Quote from: toomanytears
I've never wanted him to feel I didn't love and care for him.  Even when he was being the biggest $h!te ever.  I still love and care for him but now I also love and care for me.
The ultimate definition of compassion... but also SELF-CARE and SELF-LOVE are coming out... and THAT is what matters...

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Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #22 on: March 09, 2019, 01:58:55 PM »
Just catching up with your thread.

I hope things are going well. Still waiting for this cliff hanger of a conversation! I suppose you likely forgot most of it by now! :)

How's things?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #23 on: March 21, 2019, 01:15:23 PM »
Hello Everyone.  Sorry I haven't posted for a while.  There doesn't seem to be enough time in a day to get everything done.

I don't remember what conversation the x and I had that I wanted to share.  But it doesn't really matter.  We've had several discussions over the course of time.  Basically he states that this was all due to his issues of having no self worth.  Wanting validation and acceptance.  Goes back to his childhood.  He wanted to blame me for feeling about himself the way he did.  Didn't want to look at his own issues.  His affair partner and his brother's wife (I don't consider her an affair partner - x and I weren't together or speaking when they hooked up.  I guess you could consider me the affair partner in their relationship.  Unwilling though, since I didn't know.  But that doesn't make it any better.  I found out she divorced x's brother in 2016 after their affair began.) of course, pushed the agenda of it all being my fault and how the x was just perfect and special.  Which just fed into what he was looking for. 

X was mean and terrible to me to continue his agenda to blame me and not look at himself and his issues. 

I hope that knowing that will help.  It isn't about you.  It wasn't about me.  I could've been the best person in the world or the biggest jerk in the world.  His actions had nothing to do with me, who I am, if I'm pretty or ugly, short or tall, thin or thick, nice or grumpy, smart or not.  It was about him. 

Breakdown of how I see it:

If I was pretty then that would fuel this because he would feel less than.  If I was ugly then that wouldn't work because it wouldn't live up to his expectations of what he needed to be accepted by others.  Apply that scenario to everything about their spouse.  It's a no win situation.  And can you imagine them having to live in that world?  Can you see how nothing will last because nothing will work?  Because they are broken. 

Now, that is the basics.  It's really explained so much better on this site.  Sometimes it's hard to understand it all on her because we go through so much grief that processing isn't always our strong suit through this.  And of course our emotions play into all this.  This view I've just described is taking all my emotions out of the equation. 

But when you add my emotions back in - that's when it all gets so confusing again.  I've learned a lot of what has happened.  I'm sure some of it is the truth and some of it isn't.  I've come to the end of most of it I think.  I realize it really doesn't matter what his relationships were with them.  That doesn't help me to know.  So for the most part I have enough answers and am working on letting go of the rest.  I have some backward steps here and there where I have a need to know answers.  But that gets less and less as time goes by. 

This is still relatively fresh for me this most recent bunch of bs.  So I've had some time of riding a bit of my own rollercoaster.  But recovery has been much quicker for me this time and I was able to keep my emotions under check much better this time. 

The x and I live separate lives.  He is actually getting ready to move across country.  He's taking a job in Alaska.  It's a great opportunity for him.  Our kids are grown so no reason to not follow his dreams.  We are still divorcing.  So a new chapter for each of us is coming up. 

I've been a bit off my schedule lately.  I've been really tired.  I know it's just been stress and a bit of depression.  But the weather is warm again, it's light out longer and my energy is slowly coming back.  So I'm looking forward to getting myself kick started and enjoying spring. 

BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #24 on: March 21, 2019, 01:55:49 PM »
You've  just reminded me of our last Anniversary dinner together. A week before BD.

I remember feeling self conscious because in the 6 months or so leading up to it, he was constantly harping on about me not looking nice enough. I am a stay at home mom with three kids...so sometimes there are marks on my clothes, or I have taken my jeans off because they got spaghetti sauce sloshed on them...or whatever. Cute pyjamas or lounge wear apparently wasn't good enough.

I remember standing in my closet thinking ''I want to look really nice tonight. I want to knock his socks off''. So I curled my hair, and did my make up, put on my fancy jewellery, slipped on the heels (I rarely wear), and a little black dress with sequins down the front. I felt like I looked amazing. I was so excited for him to see me. I wanted to see that sparkle in his eyes...you know the one.

When I walked down the stairs the reaction I got was annoyance. He was annoyed that I was ''too dressed up'' and ''I looked better than him''. I asked if he wanted me to change, but he said ''No it's fine, let's just go''...and we went out...and he kept looking around at people, like they were somehow judging HIM because I looked TOO nice. He walked ahead of me across the parking lot...a good 2 feet ahead, and at a pace I couldn't keep up in my heels. I was trying to run behind him to keep pace in heels I rarely wear. Inside at the dinner table he slouched behind the menu, not very talkative....just brooding and moody.

That memory still sticks with me.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #25 on: March 21, 2019, 11:28:38 PM »
Had a similar situation before BD with going to a party. Also later realized that one potential OW was attending, so his two worlds collided that night and he acted really weird and belittling.

It was 100% him and had nothing to do with me.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2019, 11:30:15 PM by Reinventing »

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #26 on: March 22, 2019, 10:13:28 AM »
I remember feeling self conscious because in the 6 months or so leading up to it, he was constantly harping on about me not looking nice enough....
When I walked down the stairs the reaction I got was annoyance. He was annoyed that I was ''too dressed up'' and ''I looked better than him''.

The crazy world of MLC. My ex expected me to just "know" what she wanted. After all, OM could read her mind.

Took me the longest time to figure out she was messing with my mind and no matter what door I picked, I would be wrong.

The MLCer works at justifying their actions. If you are a terrible person, then its okay to lie, cheat, steal and abandon such a terrible person. You become the source of all the woe that inhabits their soul.

Quote
It was 100% him and had nothing to do with me.

Exactly

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Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #27 on: March 22, 2019, 10:36:46 AM »
Quote


The crazy world of MLC. My ex expected me to just "know" what she wanted. After all, OM could read her mind.

Took me the longest time to figure out she was messing with my mind and no matter what door I picked, I would be wrong.

The MLCer works at justifying their actions. If you are a terrible person, then its okay to lie, cheat, steal and abandon such a terrible person. You become the source of all the woe that inhabits their soul.


I had this exactly.  I wasn't meeting her emotional needs (that she never expressed) but OM was meeting her on another level.  He read her mind.  No matter he was married with kids and another on the way, he was a superior man to me in every way.

Took me months and months to get over those comparisons and get back to ME.   :-[
« Last Edit: March 26, 2019, 03:44:45 AM by UrsaMajor »
M=50
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #28 on: March 22, 2019, 10:44:02 AM »
I hope tmt that Spring brings you horses, sunshine and peace. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #29 on: March 22, 2019, 01:47:06 PM »
Thank you Treasur. 

Spring is actually my favorite time of year!  It's already started out positive.  My brother just left after spending a week visiting.  So that was a great pick me up.  I've been a little inattentive to my horses but I'm starting a new training program for 2 of them so that will get me back in the swing of things.  My mustang is still in training but guess what!  She's doing great.  She's learned to cut cattle and she loves doing it. 

I've planted spring flowers around my house and they are in full bloom. 

The kids are all good and happy.  X and I get along with no big issues except for sometimes when we are together I have a few triggers and don't always handle them well.  He's understanding of that and pretty supportive.  We have become friends and want the best for each other.  After everything that has happened I would say we are ending things in a good place. 

So I would say I'm at the end of this terrible journey.  I'm tired a lot.  I think because I've been on my own little rollercoaster.  LOL  Now I'm settling in to my life and I'm thankful for it.  I have a pretty nice life and there isn't one thing I can think of that I feel like I'm missing.  Except buying a house, but I'm working on that.  And that's not a super big deal, it just would make my life less stressful. 
BD Feb 2014
DONE

 

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