Author Topic: My Story Perspective  (Read 3141 times)

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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My Story Re: Perspective
« Reply #30 on: April 15, 2019, 09:24:33 AM »
Things have been settling down here. X has accepted my boundaries. After many talks that seem to go nowhere I am working on accepting that it’s time to put this behind me. That what I’m looking for which are reasonable answers to this whole mess are not available. It wasn’t a reasonable situation so why do I think I’m gonna get answers that make any sense. Im just killing myself here.

So I told x that and that I need to find a way to stop needing details and to have space so this isn’t in my head all the damn time. This is my goal. And with space I am working through it. It isn’t easy but it’s working. When I was seeing and speaking to him so often those thoughts were all that were in my head. They consumed me and every conversation I had with him that was what it was about.

It invaded my life and was making me physically ill. And I had no time to just think clearly. I forgive myself for it though. It’s only been 5 months since the whole truth came out. Even though I was a bot all over the place I think I handled it the best I could and all the questions and trying to deal with it and figure it all out brought me to where I am now. It’s all a process.

I’m getting back to doing my thing. And I don’t include x with that. He’s having some difficulty with that and expresses it but says he understands and even agrees that this is the best way. I don’t get upset when he expresses his sadness about being left out. It’s part of why he ended up where he is. Not being able to share his thoughts. So I don’t mind that he shares that. Although sometimes in the back of my mind I’m thinking well this was your choice dipstick. But I don’t say it.

My son was awarded teacher of the year. When he called the x was here putting a new toilet seat on for d20. So son got to tell us both at the same time. I think that made him pretty happy. Hearing both his parents cheering him at the same time. Lol.

The separation has made things easier for everyone. X and I still talk or hang out occasionally now. And with my working on letting this go and just accepting it for what it is and him working on not trying to hold on and control to get the outcome he wants we can actually enjoy when we are together.

This weekend he asked if he could take me to dinner. Just to spend some time together and catch up. He took me to one of my favorite places about an hour from home. Just a little spot on the gulf with some great food and bands. A little fishing town. It was a really nice day. We had fun and great food and didn’t talk about this mess once. I was a little afraid because of the long drive but he talked most of the drive and told funny stories and stuff. And when something triggered me I’d just take a deep breath and focus really hard on what he was saying until it passed.

X says he is still moving forward with working toward a goal of reconciling but he doesn’t expect me to do or feel the same. He has gotten rid of all social media his phone is always available whenever I see him. If it rings and he’s in another room he hollers for me to please answer it. I never do though. Lol.

He still goes to therapy. He tells everyone I’m his wife. I still call him my x. Lol. It confuses people and x just tells them it’s a long story. Ya think?  Lol. His friends say I thought you weren’t together?  X tells them she’s not but I am. I’m sure these people think we are both crazy.

I am looking forward to the day when I don’t live with this crap in my head all the time. I think I’m on the right path. The only person that can make it go away is me. Funny how I thought x could be the one since he caused all these shenanigans. I figured he should have the answers. Lol. Nope. I’m the only one that can help me with this.

BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #31 on: April 15, 2019, 09:55:16 AM »

This weekend he asked if he could take me to dinner. Just to spend some time together and catch up.

X says he is still moving forward with working toward a goal of reconciling but he doesn’t expect me to do or feel the same.

He still goes to therapy. He tells everyone I’m his wife. I still call him my x. Lol. It confuses people and x just tells them it’s a long story. Ya think?  Lol. His friends say I thought you weren’t together?  X tells them she’s not but I am. I’m sure these people think we are both crazy.


These bits are big. You kind of rejecting him (as expected!), yet still he continues to want to build. The kind of thing I am sure you would have killed for back in what... 2015-2017?

And here we are 5 years after BD and it is the LBS deciding the journey. Deciding how YOU feel about it all now, and him wanting back home.

Almost as if there is a script no?  ;)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Upintheair

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #32 on: April 15, 2019, 11:35:22 AM »
Toomany I wish you all the strengths you need continuing this journey. Please find your happiness you worth it.
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline Treasur

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #33 on: April 15, 2019, 11:42:37 AM »
Acorn just said on her thread that healing is a journey for one.
I think it sounds as if you have found that is true for you. I wish I had realised it earlier....and how much their chaos can impede that.
I think you have handled the last few months with great strength and self protective wisdom. Congratulations on your son's success...I hope the next few months bring more and more good things for you regardless of what your ex (as you call him that) says or does, tmt. We have all been through an extraordinarily weird hellish experience and it is undoubtedly better seen from a distance in the rear view mirror.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #34 on: April 15, 2019, 02:35:46 PM »
Mortesbride oh yes how I would have been so happy back in those years to have this opportunity. But now I’m so glad I didn’t. I know that sounds horrible. But I’ve done so much these last 5 years. Faced some of my fears and found some things that give me great joy. Like my horses. I would never have done half the things I’ve done if this hadn’t happened. I don’t regret any of it anymore. I know that doesn’t sound good.

And I sure didn’t feel this way back then. But now I do. He had a mlc and has had to work through that and learn a few things. But I think I learned a whole lot too. I got to do so many things and not have to answer to anyone.

Sometimes it’s just the simplest of things. Like last week I bought a chenille bedspread. I always loved them and always wanted one. X didn’t like them. So I never got one. Now I have one and didn’t have to consult with anyone. And I love it. It makes my bedroom so pretty and is the perfect weight for Florida weather. I was so excited when it got here.

My sweet dog has to have a very expensive surgery on Thursday. He has a tumor. I didn’t have to consult on my pets health I just said let’s get this done. He’s my best bud so anything he needs. And x understands my priorities now so instead of being a jerk when he found out he called to ask what can he do to help. I was astounded he didn’t throw money at me (which I would have refused) but real help. My dog is very large so he’s going to be there with me to get him after surgery cause he can carry him. And he gets off work much earlier than me so he will come by and take Buddy out and check his bandage for me. That’s actual help.

I realized through this that I’m not being true to myself if I’m constantly trying to please someone else. And I’ll never do that again. And I don’t want someone trying to please me. Do what’s in your heart. Be who you are. If the other person can’t accept that then that’s their problem.

As strange as it seems I am and have been for some time a very happy person. I’m very happy being alone. So different from the beginning of this when I thought I’d just die from it all. I like making my own decisions. Having my own things. Doing my own thing. I was so afraid of this freedom I have and now I’m so thankful for it. So much good has been in my life. Yes a lot of bad and hardships too. But the good has outweighed the bad. Even when I was at my lowest the good was there in abundance I just didn’t see it.

Good people trying to lift me up. New experiences replacing bad memories. Family that stood by me and helped show me to take the right path. There’s just too much good to list. I wouldn’t be aware of any of that if all this hadn’t happened. It was my wake up call. I wish it hadn’t been quite so horrible but maybe it needed to be.

BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline Treasur

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #35 on: April 16, 2019, 03:03:19 AM »
What happened about your ex's job opportunity in Alaska, tmt? Or is he going to be hanging around for a while?

I am glad that you can see the good and happy after a long hard few years. I hope that I will get there too as it sounds like a good spot, so you are giving me and others a bit of encouragement. And I hope that more and more you will have a cascade of good things and good sane people.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #36 on: April 16, 2019, 10:02:57 AM »
Hi Treasur.  It will be a couple of months I guess before the Alaska job is available.  He's also joined the union for Electric Companies and is looking to get in there.  Both are traveling jobs.  If he goes to Alaska then he will be gone for 3 weeks or so and then he can come back to his home for a few weeks if he chooses to.  The electric company job would be traveling around the country working at certain sites.  So he won't be around much either way.

BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #37 on: April 30, 2019, 06:32:57 PM »
I have kept my space with x. We talk occasionally. The space is helping me a lot. It just got to a point where I was resenting him and I wanted answers to everything. Things have calmed down a lot with having some space.

We have had some talks here and there and I’ve been able to keep my $h!te together. He tries pretty hard to explain it all. I can tell you a lot of it makes absolutely no sense. He agrees. He says to a rational mind it makes no sense. Because there was nothing rational about it.

He continues therapy and does talk about why he behaved like he did when we were married. That stuff makes sense to me. He explains how he thought back then and why he behaved the way he did. He felt insecure. He was immature. That he wasn’t good enough. It was very important to him how people saw him. And he thought I was going to firetruck him over at some point. He felt I should never question him.  Stuff like that.

He said he was always in a struggle with himself. And now he is getting an understanding of why he felt that way. He says he hated that. And he lost so much because of it. A lot of it comes from the way he was raised. And then add his own insecurities about himself and I guess you just get someone who doesn’t know who he is.

This I can understand.

What I struggle with is the total craziness that happened. The being happy with the affair partner and his brothers wife.

His explanation is that they meant nothing. He had no feelings for them. At all. They fed his ego at a time when he was not right in his head. He said he’s not blaming anyone but that he feels there are people out there who can sense a weakness in someone and they use it and manipulate to get what they want from that person.

He says I have a picture in my head that he was in a relationship with these people. And he understands it looks that way. But in his mind they were not relationships. Not like I would see a relationship. He said he used them as much as they used him. That it was miserable. They were miserable people. He was a miserable person.

He did admit that he thought he was better than them. That also fed his ego. And he could treat them anyway he wanted and he didn’t care what their reaction to him was. Because he didn’t care. He said as badly as he treated me he treated them even worse. And they took it. Because they didn’t care either.

He said the first one he’s pretty sure she just wanted a boyfriend and she didn’t care who it was or how the treated her. He said she wasn’t a nice person. He said he wasn’t nice either but she was even worse. He said she treated her kid like $h!te and when they went out she talked $h!te to waitresses and was rude to people. She hated animals and only gossiped or talked about work and treated him like a child.

His brothers wife he feels it was all a game for her. Just to prove something to me. To show me that she was better than me. I get that. She’s a crazy b!tc#. He said they were both obsessed with what I was doing and stalked me and then ran and told him. Lol!!!! 

He said he was always mad at me. In his mind I had caused all this. And I hadn’t stopped it. As if I could. And he says he understands why he felt this way now.

I’m still trying to make sense of it all. Especially this last part with his brothers wife and seeing me while with her and all that. He says he was still struggling. Still not right. Slowly getting clarity and he wishes he had never pulled me into that. That he wishes he was well before he spoke to me again. But he also believes he wouldn’t have made it through it on his own.

He has decided not to take the job in Alaska. He said he doesn’t want to go. He wants me to know that I’m a priority. Even if I don’t want to be with him. That he’s here for me and the kids. That’s more important than a big job and lots of money. He’s already missed so much.

And his kittens. He doesn’t want to leave them. I don’t blame him there. They are so cute and sweet. Little loveable stinkers. Lol.

He’s talked a lot about how he sees things now. If only he’d been like that back in the day! 

He’s still being nice to me. No red flags I guess. When I am around him he doesn’t hide anything. Pulls stuff up on his phone that he’s looking at and will hand the phone to me to show me something he wants to buy for the bike or $h!te like that. I sometimes take that opportunity to just go through his phone. Lol. He doesn’t get mad. He just usually starts watching tv or something. Cause I’m gonna have that phone for a while. Lol!! 

He’s learning my boundaries and being respectful of them. He said he understands why they are so important. And he understands he should have had them for our marriage. For our family. He said they are so important. He knows that now. He knows it only takes a small wedge from someone with bad motives to put things in a tailspin. Even if you are in a good place in your mind. That can be changed pretty easily by letting people cross your boundaries. And before you know it your caught up in something you never wanted to be a part of.

I hope sharing some of this helps. The pain of all this is not easily overcome. We are warriors for sure. To walk through this mess and pain to get to a better place. The fear and anguish is overwhelming. And many have no one that really understands what this is or the pain that goes with it. I hope some of what my x has shared gives you some relief. That it’s not you. That the ap is not better than you. That they have an agenda and it’s just a goddamn game to them.

Hold your heads high. You are good parents. Good people with good and genuine hearts. Don’t let the ap get in your head. They aren’t worth your time. YOU are worth your time. Find you again. Find your beautiful smile again.

BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline Anjae

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #38 on: April 30, 2019, 07:46:18 PM »
Good to know husband is in therapy and working on himself.

He is one more MLCer who wants to come close, and is even talking about reconciliation, even if you are not interested.

I think when a MLCer wants back, the LBS wanting, or not wanting them back, does not stop them from trying.

DId he ever lived with OW? If not, he may not had seen it as a relationship(s). For MLCers who live with OW/OM, it is a little harder to say it was not a relationship.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline toomanytearssTopic starter

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Re: Perspective
« Reply #39 on: May 01, 2019, 04:32:41 AM »
Good morning Anjae. He lived with both of them. The first one got almost 2 years the second one for almost 3 years.
BD Feb 2014
DONE

 

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