Author Topic: Discussion For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....  (Read 1608 times)

Online One day at a time

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Discussion Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #110 on: December 08, 2018, 07:51:24 AM »
Limboland talking about her daughter reminded me of another WTF moment...

After 15 years of being together and always being on the same about kids, H decided he wanted kids (yep, wait until I turn 40 to tell me!) When I questioned him and replayed all the things he has said over the years about kids..
- I would only have kids if it was like in Victorian times, kids are only seen at dinner time
- If One Day ever starts talking about having kids, I'll take her to my home town for a few days and make her spend time with the nieces and nephews
- Every time we looked at hotels, they have to have NO kids club
- If One Day decides to have kids, I'm doomed as she's the one that takes the pill..
He said that I had mistaken humor for his true feelings about kids.... For 15 years!!!!!!!  :o :o

Never mind he was taking about having a vasectomy a couple of years before his change of heart!

At some point he said that OW talked about having a family and she sounded more like him.. I said nothing but my head was screaming "Since fire-trucking when???" 

I laugh about it now but I remember being tormented about this and feeling that maybe if I had agreed to have a baby.......  ::)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Anjae

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Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #111 on: December 08, 2018, 08:24:37 AM »
I know a real life MLCer like that. Spend 16 years with his wife. Never wanted kids, he used to say kids ruin a marriage - never mind his parent are still together and he divorced. Found a new woman - not OW, only come to be years after divorce, and had a child with her. No more, kids ruin a marriage.  ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online One day at a time

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Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #112 on: December 08, 2018, 11:12:40 AM »
I guess time will tell Anjae... Although according to what H told his brother, he already gave up on the idea because he realized that by the time he meets someone, they spend a couple of years together to get to a point where they can discuss kids, he'll be too old. And now he decided he's going abroad for a year or 2 to save money for a house. So looking for the mother of his children does not seem to be high in the agenda!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #113 on: December 08, 2018, 11:28:04 AM »
Most MLCer seem to be poor parents to the kids they DO have, so can't help but think they would be unlikely to be much better to new ones...
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Limboland2018

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Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #114 on: December 08, 2018, 04:17:11 PM »
One day even if you had a child with him he would have left. Look at my situation....my husband desperately wanted a child. After many miscarriages and rounds of Ivf I offered to leave him as he really wanted a child and it just didn’t seem it was going to happen. He said no. He wanted a child with me. He decided that we should try surrogacy and spearheaded the whole process. So we got this beautiful miracle child and he left when she was 2 1/2...but to be honest he left her emotionally a long time before that.

Treasur my husband is a crap parent but he is delusional and thinks he’s a wonderful father.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2017 moves out
November 2017 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2017 - meeting up with her for holiday

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #115 on: December 08, 2018, 04:22:11 PM »
Wise dose of reality from Limbo here...
A reminder of the 'believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do' principle for all of us...
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Penelope2018

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Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #116 on: December 08, 2018, 04:58:53 PM »
They all seem to dislike the LBS dating even though some of them recommend it in the beginning. After BD, I remember XH telling me I could see whoever I wanted and he wouldn't say anything. That was hmm 16 or 17 months ago. Well I went out with a male acquaintance a few weeks ago and didn't tell him because it isn't his business. Not long after he started up with the "aren't you lonely" spiel so I said sometimes but not for long and decided to tell him I went out with someone. As yall can imagine it didn't go over well. Monster unleashed his claws and told me I was playing games! I was just trying to get back at him! I've always been vengeful and he's never liked it! I better be careful before I get stuck in a situation I can't get out of. I calmly said "how would that happen?" He said YOU KNOW HOW! I said "well we're divorced so why do you care?" He put his headphones on and watched political videos for the rest of the night.
I guess to quiet his mind, if he isn't working he watches YT videos about 80% of the time. He watches while eating at the table, in the bathroom and when work is slow he'll lie down on the couch and cuddle with his ipad. It's disturbing to see.

Offline Anjae

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Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #117 on: December 08, 2018, 04:59:42 PM »
Having kids does not prevent a MLCer for leaving. Sadly, we have several LBS whose MLCer walk whe the LBS was pregnant, had just had a baby, or the child was very small.

Not to mention all LBS with children whose MLCer walked. A few MLCer are good parents. Several are so-so, some are terrible parents.

Months before Mr J left we had decied to try and have kids. After he left, the doctors tought I was pregnat. He tried to kill me when I told him.

He dragged me throug the flat's floor - I was in bed, ill, I had two infections -, he put me up, opened the door and tried to throw me down the strais shouting at me "I will drag that child out of you no matter what. Don't think you're going to ruin my life."

I wasn't pregnant, or if I was lost the baby - there was a suspicious bleeding, but, at the time, I though my montly cicle was funky. Imagine I was pregnant. It wouldn't had made a different. Poor kid would have had a dad that couldn't care less.

Next day, Mr J come by the flat. He didn't remember a thing. He told me that it I was pregnant he would be there for the kid. Then, we wanted be to leave the flat and couldn't care less if I was going to live under a bidge and had no food. And so on. One day it was one thing, the next its opposite.

None of the above is funny, but  shows this isn't normal. The above and similar things, like one day there is an e-mail saying the money is as much your as it is mine, the next Mr J cleans the bank accounts, allowed me to know that nothing was normal form the start.

That is, since he star to behave strange, a few months before he left. There were lots of things, several small and isolated, that didn't made sense. Then, things start to be more and more strange. Like when he tried to stop me from going to a film festival I had been professionally invited to.

Is big reasoning for I not to go was that we didn't had the money to afford to go. Not only we had the money, but everything was paid for. We didn't need any money. he left me on the film festival after one day. He had a dj set there - that I had got him, morning after his dj set he took off. I stayed until the end of the festival.

No one could understand why Mr J left. He was supposed to stay until the end. They had booked a room for us,  had us as guests, etc. Later, I found out in his and OW1's letters that they had agreed he was going to leave the festival after his set to go and meet her.

He didn't want me to go because he was going to leave and I would find his leaving strange. That night in the festival was the worst night of my life. My anxiety and stress were over the rof and that is why/how I end up with the two infections. My immune system blew apart.

The infections got worst upon Mr J's return home. He was actually going to leave after returning from the festival, sorry, after returning from one more meeting in a hotel bedroom with OW1. But I was too ill. So, he delayed living for two weeks.

It is impossible to see any of that as normal.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online in it

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Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #118 on: December 08, 2018, 05:57:53 PM »
God Anjae you are soo much better off without him. I know in some respects that phrase may not bring you much comfort. It doesn't give me much either when people have said it to me because of what happened. Difficult for people to empathize with something this brutal.I just want you to know I believe you and I hear you.

Whether he remembers what he did or not isn't important.
You know how well and to what degree these unstable people swing back and forth.

Everyone has to remember this would have happened to anyone they married.

Opposite ends they swing to when in desperation to control.

Some wanted no kids, then did.
Ones that profess to love you one week, then the next don't.
Feel free for anyone to add their own extreme to the next they experienced.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Offline Anon

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Re: For When You Need A Reminder That This Wasn't 'Normal'....
« Reply #119 on: December 08, 2018, 07:01:44 PM »
Quote
They all seem to dislike the LBS dating even though some of them recommend it in the beginning.

Yes!  But why do they do this?? 

My H was concerned about me not moving on because I hadn't been out on a date yet.  This was only 5 weeks after BD.   He actually then tried to give me tips on how to attract men.  The tip was to behave seductively in everything you do.  Oh yeah,,, at my age I would have cracked up the room if I tried to do that.  In any case, I couldn't and wouldn't - it's just not me.  I want to attract and be attracted to someone (when I'm ready, which I'm not) for the right reasons - and none of those reasons include behaving seductively.   That's how OW got him so he must think it's the magic recipe.  Sleezy & seductive even when taking the garbage out.  Yuck...

Then a few months later when I was considering a coffee date ,,, H said he was having trouble with that. 

Makes no sense to me - does it to anyone?
« Last Edit: December 08, 2018, 07:04:22 PM by Anon »

 

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