Author Topic: My Story Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2  (Read 1927 times)

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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My Story Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« on: December 04, 2018, 05:39:40 AM »
Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10374

I kind of forgot about my own thread until I went looking for threads over 150 posts (A mods' work is never done) and ran across my own thread at 153.... from November 6th  :o

I guess it is easy to forget one's own thread when there is nothing happening....

STBXW's D is grinding it's way through the court with the amazing speed of a herd of turtles... the only "interesting" thing that has happened is that I got a letter from the court asking me to provide information but when I looked, it was obviously incorrectly allocated to me. It was for employment info from STBXW from the year 2000 that was requested ages ago already.... I wrote the court back saying I believed that the request was incorrectly attributed to me, that I had never worked for that company or any of it's subsidiaries and, based on the letter form the company itself, I believed that the matter needed to be addressed with the Plaintiff or her legal counsel....

So, when I guessed that she'd have her D by her birthday (4 November) I was wrong... then when I guessed by Christmas, I think I was wrong there too... <facepalm>

Other than that, there is less than nothing new in the Bear Cave....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2018, 06:59:04 AM »
Following along UM.
It seems as if all moment in MLC, doesn't matter what it is.
Is at a turtles pace.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2018, 06:59:34 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Ursa.

The adorable slow dragging of divorce filed by the MLCer ...  ::)

I think there is a part of MLC, that can take years, where nothing, or almost nothing, happens.

As for us, we carry on with our lives.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 07:33:16 AM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2018, 07:10:16 AM »
Following along, UM.

I always think it's so strange how they HAVE to get a divorce, it's so important...and then do nothing to make it happen after filing.

It's like if they file, that's good enough in their head.

Sort of like after BD they immediately think of themselves as single.  As long as they gave us the "unhappiness" speech, their off and running.  Doesn't matter that they are still legally married, in their warped mind their single now.

I've read things like.."Well I told you I want a D so it's not really cheating."   ::) ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2018, 07:15:43 AM »
Thunder
They love the feeling being free. But!!!! When reality of being free hits. They are just lost.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2018, 07:39:14 AM »
They love the feeling being free. But!!!! When reality of being free hits. They are just lost.

Probably. But some of them do weird things. Xyzcf's husband filed for divorce 9 years down the road. Mitz one also took  a good while to divorce her.

Mr J only filed two years after he left, when OW2 come along. It would be more accurate to say she filed. She got the lawyer and took the decision. Same second time around - his court divorce number one was closed. So was number two. OW2 also decided he needed to it a second time. Go figure.  ::)

I so much loved the "we're separated" Mr J tried to sold me when OW1 become public. Problem? She already existd for months when he was still home and they did the grand tour of the country's hotels.  ::)

They can be hilarious.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2018, 02:19:37 PM »
Always amazes me how they can push for something so hard, then fight against any forward momentum it takes in once started! MLC craziness at its best.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Whyus

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2018, 02:35:44 AM »
UM, no News is good News I suppose!
Following along for the ride.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2018, 02:39:46 AM »
UM, no News is good News I suppose!
Following along for the ride.

It will be a while before I ride again... Too bloody cold/rainy... Next week the bike goes in for a BIG inspection (the previous owner did the 30K but not the 40 or 50 and it has 48K km on it) so that will be a hit in the wallet but then I should be ready for spring...

Of course, if the weather clears up and it gets to 10+ deg (mid-40's) then  I very well may reconsider...

Later edit.... The day I am supposed to drop off my bike to the shop is currently forecasted to be 35 deg (+2 C)  ERG!
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 06:57:47 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline gman242

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2018, 06:50:29 AM »
following along

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #10 on: December 05, 2018, 07:46:13 PM »
Nothing new in the bear cave is better than lots of drama.  I can remember thinking my life before BD was routine and sometimes wished for a little more action - I got it!!  BD was rather action packed!

Since that time, boring has been very welcome.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #11 on: December 05, 2018, 09:46:47 PM »


Of course, if the weather clears up and it gets to 10+ deg (mid-40's) then  I very well may reconsider...

Later edit.... The day I am supposed to drop off my bike to the shop is currently forecasted to be 35 deg (+2 C)  ERG!


Mid-40s?!?  I'll pass, thanks.  Call me when it hits 60ish degrees!   You must know somebody that has an enclosed trailer you can borrow!! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2018, 10:05:07 PM »
Unfortunately not SB but I'm kind of hard core. I did my practical test 2 weeks ago and it was 36° outside. I have winter kit (and my bike has heated grips  ;) so it's not so horrible as long as it isn't snowing or freezing rain. My problem is getting home - from the bike shop to work and back is easy but from anyplace to my apartment takes about an hour on public transport     :(

In fact, I'll probably ride in this morning and it's in the low 40s now....

Gonna get me some wind.....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2018, 10:08:39 PM »
You are one tough biker dude.   8)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Whyus

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2018, 10:13:32 PM »
You really are hardcore UM. Heated grips! I want those  ???
Have fun
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #15 on: December 06, 2018, 12:22:43 AM »
36º F, I guess. Because 36º C is quite hot.

With Winter kit and heated grips will be OK.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #16 on: December 06, 2018, 12:30:54 AM »
36º F, I guess. Because 36º C is quite hot.

 ;D  Oh yeah.... 36 deg C in winter kit would be deadly....

With Winter kit and heated grips will be OK.

It was 6 deg C / 43 F this morning and I was fine... Gotta have some fun sometimes... Besides, I don't have a garage so I need to run it up sometimes to keep the battery charged... I DO have a Waterproof cover so it isn't totally exposed tot eh elements...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2018, 05:23:59 PM »
It's 37 degrees C over here today Ursa, worth the trip? 
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2018, 11:03:46 PM »
It will be 15C max and 8C min here today. Tomorrow 18C - 9C.

You could move here. Except the humidity makes it feel much colder than it is. At times, less 10 degrees colder than it really is. But not today or tomorrow.

You can have your 37C, Savy. Anything above 25C is too much for me.  ;D

Maybe Ursa can ride his bike till down there? Is is a special bike, it can ride on water right, Ursa?

Can you leave the bike outside if it goes below zero C?
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #19 on: December 08, 2018, 09:32:08 AM »
Hi Anjae,

Yeah, it is air-cooled so there is no radiator to worry about. The one thing is that, if it sits for a while, I'll need to take the battery out and store it inside so it doesn't freeze and crack.

37 on a bike isn't too much fun in normal kit unless one really enjoys sweating and dehydration....

BMW does not stand for Bring Me Water so I'm afraid a trip down under is not in the cards.....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #20 on: December 08, 2018, 04:19:30 PM »
Hi Ursa,

No radiator is cool. Having to take the battery out and keep in inside not so much.

BMW does not stand for Bring Me Water ... 

It doesn't?  ??? ;D

Think we got tricked with those 8C minimum.  ::) It is freezing outside. But my thermal jacked did the job and kept me warm.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online One day at a time

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #21 on: December 10, 2018, 08:39:42 AM »
Following along UM! I wouldn't like a bike where I am.. It's constantly raining!  Car.. with a roof.. and heating..  ;D
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Rippedapart

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2018, 03:39:53 PM »
Following Um.

When I met H he had a Yamaha 1100, with panniers  and a fabulous faring , we spent all our holidays travelling on that bike.  We travelled to Spain, Andorra, France, Italy , UK. It stayed in the garage in the winter, our winter was too wet to take the bike out.

H sold the bike and put the money towards a deposit on our  first home.....nice memories....and then he decided to have a mlc and blow up our lives.....I soooooo  want to slap his head....very hard.   :D

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2018, 09:16:56 PM »
Ironically, I had a KawasakiConcours (GTR-1100) when STBXW and I met but sold it when I came to Germany rather having it shipped here. As for the rest of the story? Well, I'm here on HS - 'nuf said
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline ember

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #24 on: December 18, 2018, 02:17:16 AM »
following

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #25 on: December 18, 2018, 03:30:19 AM »
Nothing new to report on the MLC front -

BUT.... I just had the 50K km Inspection done on my bike (Ouch to the wallet) but it purrs like a happy cat now... I've never had a Boxer motor before so I wasn't sure what to expect. I was told they run a little rough and it did... until now...

So, now I am waiting for Spring to arrive...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #26 on: December 18, 2018, 03:39:12 AM »
Following along

Oddly enough my H bought himself a Harley Davidson 😳
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #27 on: December 18, 2018, 03:39:49 AM »
UM
Alot of guys I work with ride their bikes everyday. They suit up in all leather. They say it's not cold, ha. Hard for me to believe. 
I'm like You, I would be waiting on warmer weather.

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #28 on: December 18, 2018, 03:45:01 AM »
UM
Alot of guys I work with ride their bikes everyday. They suit up in all leather. They say it's not cold, ha. Hard for me to believe. 
I'm like You, I would be waiting on warmer weather.

I'm not too hard to convince to ride but it needs to be dry or above freezing... Hitting an ice patch on a bike is a sure way to have an undesired body-ground interface (aka Crash).... Riding in the rain is not much fun but if it's sunny and cold, I can deal with that...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #29 on: December 18, 2018, 04:27:40 AM »
Im the same as you UM. The cold is not nice but rain is a nightmare. Ice, NO WAY! K and I got caught out a while back. 30km to get home in the rain AND it was dark. Not a nice experience, I was glad that we got home safely.
I removed both batteries last week and put them in the Basement. Looking Forward to spring now  8)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #30 on: December 21, 2018, 07:42:24 AM »
OK, TOTALLY not MLC related but I had to share the good news.....

My vehicle insurance company wanted to screw me over on my motorcycle insurance and claim I didn't have a license as long as I said I had.... I found my old expired Colorado licence from 1997, sent them a copy and basically said that either they would reinstate my insurance at the original conditions or, come renewal time, my bike and car would be insured elsewhere.....

I got the notification today that they have reinstated the original conditions which dropped my premium by about 150$ (106 Euros) per year or about 50%.

YES!
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #31 on: December 21, 2018, 10:31:28 AM »
WOW!  That's great!   ;D

They made up for their mistake, good for them.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #32 on: December 21, 2018, 07:38:53 PM »
Finally, the LBS has a win.

You will be able to buy some Christmas decorations with the savings ;D

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #33 on: December 22, 2018, 03:22:45 AM »
Well done!  :D




Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #34 on: December 22, 2018, 06:13:49 AM »
Woohoo
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #35 on: December 22, 2018, 07:22:29 AM »
I thought it was just insurance companies here were greedy. Ha. Glad you come out on top.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #36 on: December 22, 2018, 08:53:28 AM »
Oh dear, how weird is it when an insurance company treats you better than a spouse  ::) :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline ember

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #37 on: January 30, 2019, 11:43:52 PM »
following

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #38 on: January 31, 2019, 01:52:25 AM »
Hi Ember - Thanks for kicking my Thread back into reality!

My last Update was more than a month ago... time flies when you are having fun....

Actually, there is very little to say... STBXW's D is still grinding is way slowly through whatever channels it is grinding its way through.... I expect the final papers to come any day but we'll see....

After an MLC-inspired Christmas Eve dinner (The kids, STBXW, and I went to the Children's Service at my church - her reception is growing decidedly colder as time goes on - and then went to my apartment for dinner) where, after presents and eating, STBXW and S11 spent the evening playing on their phones  ::) ) the kids and STBXW took off for her relatives on the 26th. I worked in between Christmas and New Years so the rest of the team could have time with their families...

During the last week of the Winter Holiday, the kids and I went skiing with a group of friends (23 in all) in the Dolomite mountains of Italy (Val di Fassa for those in Europe) and had an absolute BLAST.... the only sore point is/was my butt.... S11 got across the back of my skis getting off the lift and I fell like a tree directly on my back/tailbone.... I was OK but I was the "butt" of LOTS of jokes for the rest of the week from the others in the group.... This was the kids first time EVER on skis and my first time in Europe (and first time skiing since 2001). We had such a wonderful week.

I got involved in this group because one of my colleagues had planned to go with her family but found that they were going to be moving house that weekend and asked if I wanted their reservation. The rest of the group lives in a village about 10 km away so I am the "outlier" but, starting int he fall, the kids and I have been included in LOTS of things - New Years party, award ceremony at their Tennis Sports Club, ... They have just incorporated us into the group... REALLY nice bunch of people and a LOT of fun... We're already making plans for the 2020 Ski Trip....

I've had my 4th discernment committee meeting at our church and our Interim (who was a deacon initially) was ordained as a Priest 2 weeks ago in a VERY beautiful service.

STBXW has been travelling a bit for work lately so I have had D(now 8) to spend the night a couple of times. I keep trying to convince her gently to come more often but mom gloms on to her like nobodies business.... S is with me 3-4 nights a week so it follows STBXW's parents D - girls stay with mom and boy goes to dad...  ::)

We had D's Parent-Teacher conference last week and it was, as usual, full of WTF moments... including a few WTF looks form the teachers at stuff coming out of STBXW's mouth.... I caught D's main teacher looking at me like "Is she (meaning STBX) serious?" a couple of times... I just nodded and kept my mouth shut... Rule #1 that STBX has not quite grasped yet... "When you are in a hole, it is a good idea to STOP DIGGING!" Things like "Spending 30 minutes a day per kid doing homework? That is an hour every day! There is no way I can deal with that."  ::)  One of the best was when the teacher asked if D reads regularly and STBXW says "Oh yes, I send her into her room to read for 15 minutes every day while I am out with my dog." The teach looks at me and I say that when D is with me, we pick a book and I have D read to me..... STBXW looked mortified... What she and I both know is that, if D goes into her room and no one is watching her, she plays on her tablet ... whether STBXW wants to acknowledge that or not.... She also didn't remember that S11 had a similar speech quirk that D8 has now... Possibly due to growing up from the beginning in a dual-language house.... but she was blaming it on a girl that D sees maybe two-three times a year for the last 3 years....  ::)

So, in the end, we are still "friendly" and co-parentling as well as a Mid-Lifer can coparent , there is no real monster, STBX keeps trying to play the BFF card, which I'm just NOT interested in but there is no visible movement of any type. She is, after all, a Grade A Wallower.....

My life is moving on in  a positive direction in many ways; doing more things, getting out and about, getting back to the gym (took a Christmas/New Years/Injury/Illness break for about a month), meeting people again and enjoying life....

I fully expect a bit of a wobble once the final papers show up but, I am afraid to say, there is a great deal of indifference now... I can laugh and joke with STBX but there is a distance that is growing greater and greater.. that image in the rearview mirror is growing fainter and being covered by the dust cloud as I proceed down the road of life.... I recall the good times with fondness, compassion, and joy but that is what was, not what IS... And, as the saying goes "Why keep looking at the past? You don't live there anymore... ."

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #39 on: January 31, 2019, 02:48:09 AM »
Great update UM, sounds like you are totally in the driving seat.
"Spending 30 minutes a day per kid doing homework? That is an hour every day! There is no way I can deal with that."  ::) 
Thanks, I just got some funny Looks in the Office for laughing with head phones on. Nothing funny coming out of the headphones though  :)
"Oh yes, I send her into her room to read for 15 minutes every day while I am out with my dog."
Well that is just very.......... MLCerish! Of she is going to read when nobody is home. Thats what al Kids her age do isnt it?  :D

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #40 on: January 31, 2019, 04:13:38 AM »

I fully expect a bit of a wobble once the final papers show up but, I am afraid to say, there is a great deal of indifference now... I can laugh and joke with STBX but there is a distance that is growing greater and greater.. that image in the rearview mirror is growing fainter and being covered by the dust cloud as I proceed down the road of life.... I recall the good times with fondness, compassion, and joy but that is what was, not what IS... And, as the saying goes "Why keep looking at the past? You don't live there anymore...


A good approach to have, UM. 

Your ski trip sounds very fun.  I still cross country ski but haven't downhill skied in quite a few years. 

As an educator I busted right out laughing at your MLCer's comment that she sends an 8 year old into her bedroom to read on her own!   ;D   Yeah, cause that's for sure what that 8 year old is going to do unsupervised! 

Good to have an update from you. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #41 on: January 31, 2019, 04:48:00 AM »

As an educator I busted right out laughing at your MLCer's comment that she sends an 8 year old into her bedroom to read on her own!   ;D   Yeah, cause that's for sure what that 8 year old is going to do unsupervised! 
 

You should have seen the looks I got from D's teacher and assistant teacher after that one....  ::)

D's main teacher had THIS look.....


and the Student Teacher had this one


Even more ironically, the student teacher is the daughter of the teacher S had in 4th grade already at the same school who retired.... and HE had some choice morsels of wisdom for STBX 2 years ago...  and she even looks a bit like this GIF  ;D
« Last Edit: January 31, 2019, 08:19:55 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #42 on: January 31, 2019, 05:05:21 AM »
UM, for one thing kids that age have very sort attention spans that only lasts few minutes.
If you're not there with them, keeping them focused, they will be playing with what ever they can find that's fun.

Yes, I can just imagine what went through those teachers minds.   :o ::) ::)

I'm glad you guys had a good time and you're meeting new people and being included in the group.
Nice to hear. :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #43 on: January 31, 2019, 07:19:55 AM »
You ski trip sounds great!! I only went skiing once and I also had an awful fall.. I have not gone again!  ;D

It's amazing what these supposedly grown adults can come up with!! Sending D8 up to her room to read on her own? I don't have kids and I could even tell you that's never going to work!  ::)

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline serenity

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #44 on: January 31, 2019, 09:05:50 AM »
Well done UM,

You sound amazing! Life is sounding good too. Hope you’re ok after your fall? We don’t bounce so well these days!

Your life really sounds on the up but at least you’re sensible enough to realise you’ll probably be prone to the odd wobble or two!

Your wife sounds like her life is still just a mess. So silly to let you go!

X

Offline MourningDove

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #45 on: January 31, 2019, 10:18:04 AM »
I see you took GAL and took it up a few notches - LOL  ;D  Wonder how that sat with the STBXW?

I am sure you thought about all of those doilies you need to crochet when the time allows. LOL  ::)

Your D having a speech issue with the languages reminded me of my sister at that age. We spoke Flemish and English and the US schools were concerned because when we moved back to the states as they thought she had a speech impediment. They put her in speech classes and my parents said that they were pretty sure they knew where the problem was. The school wouldn't listen, but marveled when my sister suddenly lost that problem within 2 weeks. When my parents were called back in, my F said, "don't tell me - she had trouble with words like school - because of the pronunciation". Ding, ding, ding. When he explained why, they suddenly pulled her out of speech classes. 

As for the reading, I wish I could be shocked. They can't even muster 15 minutes of time. Heaven forbid a half an hour. IDK - I loved that time when the kids would read. In fact, we built in time to go pick out books at the library every week. And just the other day, both kids reminded me of some of their favorite books. To think that years later that those memories stick and all it took was a bit of my time (and Xh's when he was 'normal'). Maddening -

At least they have you and they will remember those moments.  ;)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #46 on: January 31, 2019, 11:07:32 AM »
Oh yes, the parent teacher conference with an MLCer--such fun. My H actually showed up early for ours. Of course, he had NOTHING to add since he spends literally no time with S12. Sometimes I wonder about their intellect when they think they can so easily fool everyone.


I can laugh and joke with STBX but there is a distance that is growing greater and greater.. that image in the rearview mirror is growing fainter and being covered by the dust cloud as I proceed down the road of life.... I recall the good times with fondness, compassion, and joy but that is what was, not what IS... And, as the saying goes "Why keep looking at the past? You don't live there anymore... ."


Yep! All of this. I can so relate. And if they ever do come out of that fog, we will be  nowhere near where they left us.  Sounding so great UM!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #47 on: January 31, 2019, 01:28:14 PM »
Quote from: MourningDove
I see you took GAL and took it up a few notches - LOL  ;D  Wonder how that sat with the STBXW?

If I may be so gross as to say "like a fart in a packed elevator that is stuck between floors."

She especially didn't like the part that one of the women in the group is single, has a S about my S's age, a D16, and that she, her D, me and my kids spent an afternoon skiing together (the rest of the adults in the group took off for another area that morning and most of the kids were off snowboarding and the two of them didn't want to try to keep up with the rest of the adults that day. We skiied as a group - all 10 of us - until we got to a lift where my pass was no longer valid. The rest of the group went on and the three of us went back up the lift towards the way we came) .

I had to hang out at one area because that was where my kids were in the ski school half-days. S, her D16, and I skiied together in the morning, partially with the rest of the group and then partially as a trio and then, after ski school was over, picked up my kids and the 5 of us skiied in the afternoon. The three of us "older" ones (compared to my kids) were well matched in terms of abilities and speed so it was simply an uncomplicated and fun morning.. We had a similar idea which slopes we wanted to take and had an absolute blast.. Life CAN be SO easy!

When I picked up my kids at the ski school, we all went and had lunch together, then skiied another couple of hours on easier slopes....

The 2 boys didn't have a lot to do with each other as the kids my sons age are all in the same school together, the same tennis club together and live in the same village so they were kind of a clique. My S was more into playing cards and hanging with the adults than playing on his phone like the rest of the boys....👍🏼 My D8 would often go sit with S's D16 while the group was at dinner and at one point, climbed up in S's lap while the adults were playing cards (a silly and fun game called "The 6th Takes." Lots of fun and the kids could play too) and wanted to play with us.

STBXW was not overjoyed to hear all this but, well, not my problem. I had fun, the kids had fun. That is what mattered....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #48 on: January 31, 2019, 01:52:51 PM »


She especially didn't like the part that one of the women in the group is single, has a S about my S's age, a D16, and that she, her D, me and my kids spent an afternoon skiing together (the rest of the adults in the group took off for another area that morning and most of the kids were off snowboarding and the two of them didn't want to try to keep up with the rest of the adults that day. We skiied as a group - all 10 of us - until we got to a lift where my pass was no longer valid. The rest of the group went on and the three of us went back up the lift towards the way we came) .

STBXW was not overjoyed to hear all this but, well, not my problem. I had fun, the kids had fun. That is what mattered....


My favorite part of the whole ski trip, UM!   :)

You had fun, the kids had fun, the other people had fun......fun was had by all!  Yeah, that's what I like to hear! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #49 on: January 31, 2019, 02:01:01 PM »
It WAS an awesome trip even if I did (literally) bust my a$$... OK, S11 busted it for me by standing on the backs of my skis while we were getting off the lift....

But we all had a great time, had more fun and laughter than should be allowed, and I've made some new friends out of the deal.... Can't get much better than that!

Life DOES, in fact, go on..... And so do we.... Living Better Spouse (LBS) indeed
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online hopeandfaith

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #50 on: January 31, 2019, 02:17:27 PM »
Ooh Living Better Spouse - I like that!  And yet, it still seems like such a surprise to our MLCers that we would have the gall to take this path (and hang out with other singles!!)

The trip sounds like so much fun and so uncomplicated :o
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #51 on: January 31, 2019, 02:24:48 PM »
Living Better Spouse (LBS)  I LOVE it!!!   Some days I even feel it  ;)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #52 on: February 20, 2019, 04:25:03 AM »
Posting here from your reply about D29 on Nas's thread.

I am sorry you don't have much contact with D29 and that your MLCer 1 put her through so much. No wonder she is emotionally about 18.

Given all she went through, her reply and not caring about being overweight makes sense. Her parents split because mum had a MLC (she most likely had no idea what a MLC was/is). Dad found someone else and married and had kids with her and lives abroad. Mum went through several husbands and lovers, she had to be servant to those men's daughters. She needs lots of love, Ursa. Her self-esteem probably also isn't too high.

Do you think she would like to be invited to come to Germany? If viable to you. 
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #53 on: February 20, 2019, 04:31:28 AM »
I have flown her over a couple of times for vacations but that was when STBXW and I were still together and we had a guest room...

At the present, she is wrapped up with her job (which she is VERY good at but is treated like dirt, works the awful shifts and is paid less than new hires that she trains but will not be assertive enough to ask for a raise) and her dog (who is old and not in good health).

I just keep having contact with her and trying to be supportive while also trying to give a little guidance if asked....

xW1 was adamant about NOT allowing her to visit me for years. I had to threaten xW1 with a court order so that she would allow her to visit me (and that was when I was still in the US).....

« Last Edit: February 20, 2019, 04:35:27 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #54 on: February 20, 2019, 05:04:05 AM »
xW1 was adamant about NOT allowing her to visit me for years. I had to threaten xW1 with a court order so that she would allow her to visit me (and that was when I was still in the US).....

That was terrible. The horrible things MLCers do to their kids.

Maybe she will become more assertive in the future and ask for a raise.

Your luck, two wifes, two MLCers.  ::) And the poor kids.  :(
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #55 on: February 20, 2019, 05:09:30 AM »
At least this time, there is no monster and I'm VERY involved in D8 & S11's lives....... only 8 km away and not half a continent or farther...

In fact, S11 is supposed to go to a friends house tonight to study for English and STBX said that she didn't want to have to pick him up before 18:00. S11 had no idea how long he'd be allowed to stay there and then texted me in a bit of a panic that he has to be picked up by 16:30.... I just texted STBX that I was picking him up at 16:30 and that I'd bring him to her apartment (the kids are with her Wed-Fri and every other Sat, with me Sun-Tuesday nights and the other Saturday) and she said OK....  ::)
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #56 on: February 20, 2019, 05:18:36 AM »
At least this time, there is no monster and I'm VERY involved in D8 & S11's lives....... only 8 km away and not half a continent or farther...

No monster is great. Not ideal, but must better to be close to the kids and have them around/see them often.

Nice that you can go pick S11.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Watcher

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #57 on: February 20, 2019, 06:00:01 AM »
Hi UrsaMajor,

It sounds like I have your XW1 scenario. Did her anger/vindictiveness towards you ever go away ?

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #58 on: February 20, 2019, 06:36:48 AM »
Hi UrsaMajor,

It sounds like I have your XW1 scenario. Did her anger/vindictiveness towards you ever go away ?

I'll be honest Watcher, once D29 was out of the house (was 18 and in college, I paid the child support money directly to D29 and have/had NOTHING to do with xW1..... As Treasur put it, nuclear NC.  She tried to friend me on FakeBook, denied,. Tried to connect on LinkedIn - Ignored.  She has been married to her current H for longer than I was to STBXW  and I see NO reason to have any contact with her.

She flipped her lid when D29 was D3 so 1993, Monster level peaked in 1998-1999 & lasted well into 2005-2006

She didn't monster at me at D29's High School Graduation party but she had to put on the nice show because her family was there as well as others...
« Last Edit: February 20, 2019, 06:39:44 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #59 on: February 20, 2019, 08:20:39 AM »
D29 was so young when your MLCer1 flipped. Her crisis lasted so long. 1993 t0 2006 is 13 years.  :o

MLCer1 trying to friend you on Facebook and connecting on LinkedIn was a way of getting closer. For what reason, I don't know. Maybe she was coming out of her crisis, maybe it was something else.

She is still the mother of D29. If nothing else, and providing she is no longer monsters, that is a reason to have some level of contact. If you want to, of course. Which from what you write you do not.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #60 on: February 20, 2019, 08:42:56 AM »
No, Anjae, I don't.

She burned every bridge there was to hurn. She cost me a decent R with my daughter that I'm trying to restore, she cost me a job in the US, she cost me 50k$ in bad debt that I managed to pay back while she took the other half and declared bankruptcy. We had a house that she singlehandedly destroyed and eventually sold for a loss (where the bad debt came from)....

D 29 doesn't want to have anything to do with her either because she sacrificed her own child for the sake of several other guy's kids and D29 knows it. I have more contact with D29 than she has with her mom.....

Those are things for which I have no use in my life. She is married and I'm sure as heck NOT getting within miles of that either....

This is the classic example of that maybe the MLC'er has finally exited the crisis but the LBS has moved WAY on....

Since D29 is an adult, that isn't a reason anymore to have contact either.. I suppose that, if one day D29 were to decide to get married or something, I'd have to have some level of communication but until something like that happens, nope, not gonna go there....

I do not hate her but I am sure there is some deep-rooted fear of the monster that will never go away.

That is one reason that I can treat STBXW with kindness and compassion despite her MLC - She isn't a monster and she is not trying to keep the kids from me or poison them against me at this point. In fact, it seems that she is foowing her parents example and pushing S towards me while keeping a hold of D8 herself... D8 though still wants her "Daddy time" so that's not quite working the same way.....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Watcher

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #61 on: February 20, 2019, 09:39:51 AM »
UrsaMajor,

You had an entire new life while she was in crisis. That is incredible how long it lasted. I wonder if finally losing control over your daughter had anything to do with it. Eventually the kids do grow up and move on. My W will lose that control one day.

I cannot be cordial at the upcoming graduation. I'm attending and that will be it. I will have NC with her.

So, Anjae, I have seen you mention this elsewhere. What is the theory about XW1 reaching out to UM via Facebook and LinkedIn after so many years. She's married and let's say she did finally exit her crisis.

Is she looking to alleviate her guilt ? Apologize? I'm just interested in her motivation. After 13 years I would think that would be a difficult pill to swallow as the LBS after so much damage. IDK if I could do it either.

I only have a one tract mind. Maybe it's a flaw. IDK.  I don't want to be friends with her. If it's not marriage then I'm not interested.

In my scenario I can easily see her hitting 10 years with no problem. Its common sense. If they take X amount of years to destroy themselves then it's going to take X amount of years to clean themselves up. That's a lot of time IMO.

Thanks

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #62 on: February 20, 2019, 09:50:50 AM »
I think that's true Watcher, but they have to feel the guilt in order to turn things around.

Some go on thinking they never did anything wrong.  It wasn't their fault.  Maybe for some who are not in MLC that may be true.  Maybe they just left because they had a bad marriage.  idk
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #63 on: February 20, 2019, 05:28:33 PM »
I understand, Ursa. It makes perfect sense.

I am very sorry for your D29. She did not had it easy. Glad to know you're working in restoring your relationship with her.

It probably is one version of an out of crisis MLCer.

I do not hate her but I am sure there is some deep-rooted fear of the monster that will never go away.

Sadly, I understand that too well.


Watcher, I have no idea why Ursa's MLCer1 was trying to do when she tried to friend him on Facebook and connect on LinkedIn. She was trying to connect there that is all that can be known. Ursa did not connect with her, we have no way of knowing the why.

Like I said on my previous post, maybe she was out of crisis (or at least Replay), maybe she was not. Who knows.

Mr J started to connect with me by e-mail in 2016. E-mails about things he has that are ours and wanting me to give back things that are his but where never with me. In 2016, after 10 years of not caring about it, he suddenly remembered to ask me if I could give back his family ring. The ring had always been at MIL.

He also started using my name again in e-mails in 2016. I have no idea what those things mean. It has been more than 12 years since he left. There are no apologies from him and I see nothing that shows he is trying to aliviate his guilt. He was monsterish August 2018 and a couple weeks ago. 

Besides, Ursa'a MLCer1 motivation may not be another MLCer's motivation.

Unlike you, Watcher, I would more than fine with Mr J just being polite and civil. No need of marriage, dating, or even friendship. Just being a decent, normal human being would suffice and be a great improvement.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Watcher

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #64 on: February 20, 2019, 05:41:06 PM »
Anjae,

I have a hard time imagining politeness or civility at this stage and it's been a long time since I have seen it from her. A normal decent human being would be nice, it's just hard for me to imagine it.

Thanks

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #65 on: February 20, 2019, 06:08:10 PM »
You're welcome, Watcher.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #66 on: February 20, 2019, 11:42:37 PM »
A normal decent human being would be nice, it's just hard for me to imagine it.

So true.
I think initially we are looking for the 'old' them.
When we let go of that, often as part of accepting that our m is over, we are looking for normal albeit in a stressful situation. Rarely seen though...and then I think as you say we give up on that too bc it seems so far-fetched to even imagine  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #67 on: February 20, 2019, 11:51:46 PM »
Um, it sounds like the "second time around" must be like a walk in the park compared to your first MLCer.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #68 on: February 21, 2019, 12:17:10 AM »
Um, it sounds like the "second time around" must be like a walk in the park compared to your first MLCer.

WORD....

Which is why, like many others, I sometimes wonder "Is this really an MLC?" but then I look at the actions, the parallels to her parents D, the parallels between her actions, the way she said MIL treated her, the way she said FIL acted and my experiences with the both of them and think "Yep, that is what it is because otherwise, she's just nuts.... " and there was no sign of THAT for the first 16 years of our M....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #69 on: May 06, 2019, 10:16:11 PM »
Hi Ursa,
Just wondering what has been going on in your situation. You haven't posted in a while.

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #70 on: May 06, 2019, 10:58:39 PM »
I guess if you dont post then all is cool in lalaland which has to be a good Thing for UM  :)
I dont know what its like down south UM but ist too windy to get some proper wind therapy in up here. I hate riding in the wind, ist just no fun.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #71 on: May 07, 2019, 12:57:10 AM »
Hi Ursa,
Just wondering what has been going on in your situation. You haven't posted in a while.

"A while" meaning February.... Erg....

In my situation the evolution of the dinosaurs was faster....

No, seriously, NOTHING is happening... STBXW wanted her D, filed for her D and then just took her sweet time to provide the paperwork required by the court. It has been nearly a year since she filed. I get copies of any correspondence from the court to her just like her L gets copies of things that come to me. The court had been requesting information of one of her former employers since August 2018. In December, the court sent ME a letter requesting the same information (which was HER information). I replied to them the following day stating that I had never worked for said company and that the letter, which had the salutation to STBXW, needed to be sent to her as the Plaintiff since it was her former employer.  In January, I got a copy of the reply from said employer that STBXW hadn't worked there long enough nor was she old enough when she was there to acquire any rights to a pension (I already knew this) so, as far as I know, that was the last thing that stood int he way for the court to finalize her D...

Long story in short form, I am waiting for the final court date.

STBXW continues to wallow along, doing nothing to deal with her stuff, still feeling "sick" with one thing or another (no doctor has ever found anything wrong with her physically), still keeping D8 on the hook for her supply of "happy...." S12 has begun to see the light and is not very complimentary of mom at times.... "Mom 'never' does anything with us because she is sick or too tired... " "Mom doesn't cook for us much,'  etc.  Typical pre-teenie complaining and seeing if he can get me spun up... I know how that game is played.... He is with me Sunday afternoon - Wednesday morning and every 2nd Saturday. D8 usually comes with him on the Saturdays but not during the week.

I make sure that he and I do things together and D8 too when she is with me. Last weekend, he and I went for a 20km bike ride to a beer garden and back, weather permitting (we aren't getting wind as much WhyUs as it is freaking cold -10 deg C - and often raining) , we go for a motorcycle ride together (he has full kit; Helmet, riding suit, gloves, etc), and I do cook when the kids are there (which gives me leftovers for when they are NOT there <grin>)

On the personal side, my discernment committee has completed their work (they believe) and is submitting their recommendations to the church council (I'm an Episcopalian) . The council will review it and decide if they will follow the recommendation or not. If so, that gets forwarded to the Diocesan Committee (in our case, it is the Convocation as we are in Europe and not a true Diocese as the Episcopal Church defines one) in Paris and from there, if approved, it goes to the Bishop. If HE then approves it, I'd enter into a process of formation... I have preached at my home church a few times (about every 2nd month) and once at our sister parish in Wiesbaden.... This is something that I have been feeling called for for many years but STBXW was so dead-set against it that I just pushed it off and never explored it as a viable option for me... STBX is still unhappy with my participation in my church and, somehow, all her business trips are planned for Wednesday nights when I have choir practice... I have been skipping practices but we have a special service coming at the end of May and I will be the Cantor so I HAVE to be there.... She told me yesterday that, coincidentally, the Wednesday prior, she suddenly has another business trip and she is really sorry but "the planning is out of her hands." Yeah, sure, whatever you say.... I just told her I'd figure it out and deal with it but that I was going to choir practice that night..... I think that stunned her.. Guess what STBX? You do NOT have control or the right to dictate my life anymore....

Other than that, I am moving on with my life as if because I have no hope that STBXW will ever do any of the work she would need to do in order to deal with her issues - it is too much "work" for her and, quite frankly, I am better than a "fall-back position." She is not a monster or anything and we have celebrated the kids Birthdays and even Easter (at the kids request) together in a fashion. she decided to come to my church for Easter Mass (she is not religious herself at all due to her Foo - her F was a real piece of work and a "Do what I say, not what I do" Roman Catholic) and brought the kids with her. S12 sat with me in the choir loft (I did NOT change my plans this year and sang int he choir instead of bailing out and sitting with them) and she sat with D in the Nave. D kept looking up at me and waving which did NOT sit well with STBX. STBX also got a pretty chilly reception from the people that used to greet her warmly. She ended up leaving with D about 2/3 the way through "because she was so tired."  ::) and "D was thirsty" and <insert excuse here>.  I had several people come up to me after the service and tell me how nice it was to see my kids with me... NO ONE mentioned STBX at all.... I have never bad-mouthed or demonised her at all and, when asked, just said that she had decided to separate, leave the M, and had filed for D.  Nothing more than that.....

They all came to my place for Easter dinner and that was OK. Beat the snot out of Christmas where STBX and S12 sat for 90 minutes playing on their cell phones.....  ::)

She did ask for her spare key back because S12 has his when he is at my place so that is fine with me. I gave it back to her gladly. I'll get mine back from her as well this week. No need to have a set there as the only time the kids are there is if I pick them up or she drops them off when I am there. What was REALLY funny was that the day after she got her key back, S12 forgot his so he had to wake her up to get in.... <BOOM!> The Karma bus made a distant drive-by.....

Once the weather decides to be May-like instead of playing some sort of March/April game, we'll be back on 2 wheels. Both kids are with me this weekend because STBXW is going out to party....

I was at a friends Silver Anniversary on Saturday night - really nice party and I didn't suffer any real triggers - more just a wistful thinking that this is something that I won't experience for myself..... Sunday was a Orchestral Concert of "Music of Movies" (Sorry, WhyUs, I am SURE that you are leaning over the Puke bucket now <snort>) with a bunch of friends that was really good.

So, life goes on and so do I.......

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #72 on: May 07, 2019, 01:19:33 AM »
Isn't it sad that when I saw ember's post I already guessed what your answer would be?   "Nothing has happened, that's why I haven't posted"  Yep, exactly as I thought... Life with a wallower, nothing happens, ever. And the saddest part of all is that what you said about having no hope that your STBXW will ever do the the work... sounds a lot like my H.. I still have a little hope but my logical side tells me I'm only kidding myself... Oh well, I'll get there eventually!

So she's always tired to do things with the kids, cook, etc but she's not tired to go partying??  ??? Interesting (my kind of interesting!  ;D )
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #73 on: May 07, 2019, 01:32:50 AM »
So she's always tired to do things with the kids, cook, etc but she's not tired to go partying??  ??? Interesting (my kind of interesting!  ;D )

Even the partying thing is VERY rare.... I go out a LOT more than she does...... I think that it has been at least 6 weeks or so since she has done anything - she occasionally has dinner with one of her TGF's, she goes every 3-4 weeks to get her hair colored  ::) and she goes out walking with her dog......

She got the serious stink-eye from D's teacher at the last Parent-Teacher conference when she said that she didn't have the energy to practice reading or math with D regularly (D is in 2nd Grade FFS..... and STBX has a Masters in Computer Science - 2nd Grade Math can not be that difficult). Now she is actually trying to do it regularly after D got bad grades in.... Math and Reading!  ::)
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #74 on: May 07, 2019, 01:33:42 AM »
Sunday was a Orchestral Concert of "Music of Movies" (Sorry, WhyUs, I am SURE that you are leaning over the Puke bucket now <snort>) with a bunch of friends that was really good.
No, no puking from me. I have a really wide Musical horizon. Ok, most of the Music that i hear is Loud and fast and is guitar orientiert but if the MUSIC is GOOD then Í can respect and listen to that. One of my 2018 Highlights was an open air Jazz Breakfast in New Orleans. Perfect!
XW and I used to be an Acoustic Duo with a 4 hour Setlist! Hard to imagine now  ;D
So, life goes on and so do I.......
And that is good to read, you are the perfect LBS (is that a compliment or is it offensive  :o)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #75 on: May 07, 2019, 02:03:59 AM »
She seems to be just stucked.  You are not. Rather that way than opposite.

Music from movies is ok, what I can't understand are MUSICALS, I hate them.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #76 on: May 07, 2019, 02:15:41 AM »
She seems to be just stucked.  You are not. Rather that way than opposite.

Music from movies is ok, what I can't understand are MUSICALS, I hate them.

OK, then I will TOTALLY ruin your opinion of me... I am not a fan of watching them or the music alone but I have been in the orchestra or on stage... I played Lancelot in the musical version of Camelot in 1997 (my last great debut)
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #77 on: May 07, 2019, 02:18:34 AM »
She seems to be just stucked.  You are not. Rather that way than opposite.

Music from movies is ok, what I can't understand are MUSICALS, I hate them.

OK, then I will TOTALLY ruin your opinion of me... I am not a fan of watching them or the music alone but I have been in the orchestra or on stage... I played Lancelot in the musical version of Camelot in 1997 (my last great debut)

That's totally different, buddy. I could come to watch you live (perhaps not listen though). My excuse I didn't in your last debut is that I was in the army 1997  ;D
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #78 on: May 07, 2019, 03:57:28 AM »
Oh real sly, Silver.
He really WOULD have been there, UM.  ;D

So how long do you think this will all take to get all those approvals?  I'm so happy you are doing what you want with your life, UM.  Yes, you are a perfect LBS..if there is such a thing.
You see her nonsense and accept none of it.  No work is being done on herself and you're smart enough to see that and stay clear. 
Is there anyone who can sit with the kids while you are at choir practice?

Your w's lawyer must be pulling his hair out by now.  ha ha
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #79 on: May 07, 2019, 05:30:00 AM »
So how long do you think this will all take to get all those approvals?  I'm so happy you are doing what you want with your life, UM.  Yes, you are a perfect LBS..if there is such a thing.
You see her nonsense and accept none of it.  No work is being done on herself and you're smart enough to see that and stay clear. 
Is there anyone who can sit with the kids while you are at choir practice?

Your w's lawyer must be pulling his hair out by now.  ha ha

The "approval" process will take a while and it can be stopped at any step if any of the various bodies do not feel that what I believe is my call to be appropriate... they can also recommend a different path.... If I were to assume everyone agrees with me all the way through, it could still be at least 18 months or more. The final decision is made by the Bishop and we have a brand new one. Ironically, he has written a book that I have been reading about "Bivocational Clergy" or Clergy that work and earn their living in the real world as opposed to being employees of the church itself and a lot of his book (well, all of it so far) REALLY speaks to where I am in my understanding of where I am called so, we'll see...

As for STBXW's lawyer, I believe that she is part of the problem as well... She was recommended to STBXW by one of the TGF's who's H had an MLC which triggered her own MLC.... STBX complained regularly that her L only sends her documents scanned as e-mails and she doesn't have any paperwork... I just looked at STBX like "And this is my problem or something I should care about why?"

I'm really NOT as concerned about the kids while I am at choir - they will be at my flat and safe, fed, and have stuff to do. The only thing there is that, if they don't get to bed on their own, they will be VERY tired the next morning - but that could be a learning thing too... I am more concerned about having them hang out at the race. If I can find someone that is going but not running that they can stay around, that would be ideal...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #80 on: May 07, 2019, 04:19:13 PM »
STBX complained regularly that her L only sends her documents scanned as e-mails and she doesn't have any paperwork...

A computer scientist who has an aversion to electronic documents? Seriously? 

UM--I am constantly shaking my head at the antics (or non antics) of your W. These wallowers really get themselves stuck don't they? And she is really stuck. Though she is physically present for her children--kind of--seems like she is emotionally not there at all. And that is something she will one day regret.

I think you'll make an amazing preacher. You do it a lot here--also annoyingly well.  ;) I agree with Thunder, you might be the perfect LBS.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Silver

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #81 on: May 07, 2019, 11:15:10 PM »
I think you'll make an amazing preacher. You do it a lot here--also annoyingly well.  ;) I agree with Thunder, you might be the perfect LBS.
+1
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #82 on: May 07, 2019, 11:47:44 PM »
I think you'll make an amazing preacher. You do it a lot here--also annoyingly well.  ;) I agree with Thunder, you might be the perfect LBS.

And if you believe THAT, I've got some beach-front property I'll sell you REAL cheap... In Kansas...

With sufficient application of the proverbial 2x4, I too could learn.... Right Thunder?  :-*
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #83 on: May 09, 2019, 07:58:08 PM »

Once the weather decides to be May-like instead of playing some sort of March/April game, we'll be back on 2 wheels. Both kids are with me this weekend because STBXW is going out to party....

So, life goes on and so do I.......


So there is some small chance that there really is a spring?  Must just be over across the pond because it sure the heck isn't in the midwest!  Sheesh!  We had snow/rain/slush again last night. 

I've had the two wheels out only once so far!   >:(

You must have some fabulous summer vacation planned with the cherubs.  Where's the fun going to be this summer!? 


After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #84 on: May 13, 2019, 02:44:16 AM »

Once the weather decides to be May-like instead of playing some sort of March/April game, we'll be back on 2 wheels. Both kids are with me this weekend because STBXW is going out to party....

So, life goes on and so do I.......


So there is some small chance that there really is a spring?  Must just be over across the pond because it sure the heck isn't in the midwest!  Sheesh!  We had snow/rain/slush again last night. 

I've had the two wheels out only once so far!   >:(

You must have some fabulous summer vacation planned with the cherubs.  Where's the fun going to be this summer!?

I was out for nearly 5 hours yesterday - it was a bit cold and occasionally windy but the sun was out and that was what mattered.... We had the rain/sleet in the middle of last week too. This week is supposed to be better but rain on Wed/Thurs  :-[

As far as summer, the kids and I will spend 2 weeks in a house on Gran Canaria in July... then, once we get back, the week after they go for 2 weeks to Crete with STBX so, in some ways, they are lucking out being able to go all these places on their holiday....

Ironically, after I said last Tuesday that I was just waiting for the court date, I got a letter form the court on Friday .... No, not a date... STBXW's lawyer requested a date for the oral mediation and a clarification on a policy number for one of my pension accounts... Now, she has had the paperwork from this account since November so she has waited now 5 months to ask for a clarification. Once the clarification comes in, I expect the oral mediation will be scheduled....  That set off the Monkey brain a bit as STBXW and I had agreed to everything already except for what is determined by the court for the pension split... I think that her lawyer, who pushed for the discovery is pooping herself because STBXW's pension from her workplace is about twice what mine is.... So, lawyer my have cost her client a boatload of money.... Personally, I am not interested in the money whatsoever but the way her lawyer made it a mandatory thing, it may be out of her hands to do anything about it... Once that Boulder starts rolling downhill, you have to get the Hades out of the way or you get squished....

I am guessing that the differing numbers on the policy are the internal vs. external accounting numbers because the sums agreed with what was in my statements... but it means that it all might be said and done by my birthday or by the time the kids and I go on vacation...

then STBX will be truly free and be able to be happy.... That IS the way it is supposed to go, right? I'll just be glad that the circus is ending...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online One day at a time

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #85 on: May 13, 2019, 11:00:43 AM »
then STBX will be truly free and be able to be happy.... That IS the way it is supposed to go, right? I'll just be glad that the circus is ending...
For the bold part.. Sarcastic tone ON - Yes, right....... Sarcastic tone OFF   ;D
At least for you, it'll be the end of this sort of limbo "waiting for the D to go through" Not what you originally wanted I'm sure but when it's inevitable, better to have it out of the way I'd say!

I also have a bit of sunshine here. I don't have a pair of wheels so beach walk with my friends and their doggie it is!  :)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #86 on: May 13, 2019, 11:59:29 AM »
One Day,
You know that, I know that, everyone with 2 functioning together brain cells and the emotional intelligence that God gave a turnip knows that.... Why in God's Green Earth our Mid-Lifers, most of whom are NOT intellectually challanged, haven't figured that out yet is beyond me.

My D8 is with me tonight for the first time in a year 1)voluntarily and b) on a school night. This is a seriously big deal for me as I have fought and, quite bluntly threatened an unholy war on STBX if I didn't have 50% time with my kids but STBX had D8 convinced that she'd (STBXW) would be so "sad" if D8 wasn't with her.. In other words, she made D8 responsible for her happiness, just like MIL did for her and STBX did to me. That seems to be broken.

I sent her a text thanking her that D8 could come here tonight and she replied that there was no need to thank her, she was glad that it worked out and that I "had so much to give."  ???

Too bad she's just now figuring that out, after I've moved forward with my life and am done. Now, keep in mind that it is a lot of talk/lip service and STBX has done exactly ZERO to deal with her issues.... She also said "Goodbye, you sweethearts" to S and I last night as we left but caught herdlself as she was finishing the sentence  ::)

She's spinning for sure as she is well aware that this ship has left the harbor and she ain't on it... Not only that, her Lawyer is now pushing to have this circus finished and that is the "push off the cliff" point, the event horizon, the end of days, Armageddon.... And she knows she can't stop ir... Must be absolute crap to be staring that in the face, don'tcha think?
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #87 on: May 13, 2019, 12:42:08 PM »
Hello,

Before, I go to work on another issue at work, I needed to address a few issues.

Quote
I agree with Thunder, you might be the perfect LBS.

First of all, Thunder lives in exile in a land of ice, snow, and more ice and snow. If she was on Game of Thrones, she would be a wildling living far north of the wall. In the USA we call her home. Minnesota. Sounds cool, but it is really cold.

Before anyone labels anyone the perfect LBSer, I think they should be completely thawed first.

It is hard for me to call anyone the perfect LBSer when they are responsible for designing and building the bus to Hades with Morte as our driver.

Also, I have severe anxiety with Thunder as she has the uncanny ability to post just before I post so I get the infamous "you may want to reconsider your post as others have already posted a response." Sure enough, it's Thunder and her response blows mine out of the water.

Now that my own nonsense is out of the way, I am so glad that you are part of the picture with your children. I just finished reading 100 applications from our 8th grade students and it was disheartening to read how many responded to the question,"If you could talk to anyone living or dead, who would it be and why?"

Number one response, "My dad, and I would ask him why he left me and doesn't want to talk to me."

Keep fighting to be a part of their lives. You may not be the perfect LBSer, but you sure are the perfect dad!

Fist bump, High Five, and a shot of your favorite drink,

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #88 on: May 13, 2019, 01:23:58 PM »
It’s the saddest thing in the world that you STBXW uses D8 that way. My oldest is 7. So I get how innocent and fragile they are at that age. However, it’s such an amazing step that she was with you! Go you glen coco!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #89 on: May 13, 2019, 01:34:07 PM »
Quote from: Ready
Number one response, "My dad, and I would ask him why he left me and doesn't want to talk to me."

I'll admit this left me in tears....

When STBX first made her "offer" to "coparent" it was "You can pay me and the kids can come to you every second weekend." My response was "Then you need to be ready to meet me in court because I will not accept less than 50%. This is not negotiable. They are my kids too and they deserve and need a father. Just because yours wasn't around doesn't give you the right to deny them theirs." I think she realized then and there I was NOT firetrucking around.

Since then, D8 has been a bit reticent to stay with me but S would rather be here ("Daddy, you cook better than mom... And you cook stuff I like") but maybe this is the turning point for D8.... I know, no expectations... But I can hope, can't I?
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #90 on: May 13, 2019, 01:45:24 PM »
Why in God's Green Earth our Mid-Lifers, most of whom are NOT intellectually challanged, haven't figured that out yet is beyond me.

Because they are having a MLC?  ;) ::)
I am happy to send 30C your way. The only good thing is that in a day or so it will go back to lower temperatures. The minus? It will be grey, windy, humid. One can't have it all, can one?  ::)

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #91 on: May 13, 2019, 03:28:25 PM »
Number one response, "My dad, and I would ask him why he left me and doesn't want to talk to me."

Gosh darn it.  That hurts.

My MLCer at least said I would have 50%, although she's balked at that several times.  Never wanted it in writing.  But there's nothing she can do.  I've had D8 over a year with shared custody, and despite breaking her arm with me  :( ??? I've done just fine by her.  She used to be able to go several days without talking to me, but needed to talk to her M every night.  Those days are gone.  Now, unfortunately, her new normal is to be able to set a schedule for us to check in.  Doesn't mean she will speak to us.  :-[  I usually get one or two nights a week.  STBXW gets 3 usually.  It is what it is.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2019, 03:32:12 PM by Disillusioned »
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #92 on: May 15, 2019, 04:04:13 AM »
So, I took D8 to school this morning (actually took both but S12 gets out first and D8 second) for the 3rd time this week... I asked her if she had a good time over the last three days and if everything was OK and she just smiled her big smile and said "JAAAAAA!" and gave me a big hug.  so I asked if she wanted to come next week too like that and she did the same thing... I think potentially the code has been cracked.

We had our moments - When I went to get S12, D8 and STBX were getting ready to go to D's violin lesson but they were all dawdling around STBXW's like they had all the time in the world (they had abotu 10 minutes for an 8 minute drive.... ). THEN STBX comes up with the GREAT idea that I can take D8 to her lesson since S12 and I were leaving anyway. I said sure but that we needed to go quickly.   S12 poked around (the level of passive-aggressive behaviour in that house is really quite breathtaking at times and is guaranteed to get me into a slow boil...). Finally, we got going and I was pushing to get on the way since it was high traffic time and I knew we were going to be cutting it close. We get tot he elevator and D8 was giving me the rainy face. I asked her what was going on.  She pouted a bit more and said "nothing." I just looked at her and said "Oh come on.... If you are going to be giving me the stinky-eye I want to know why.... " Well, she thought that was quite funny - the "stinky-eye" so the rest of the evening after STBX brought her to me after her lesson, she was playing with me making "stinky-eye" faces... so, whatever it was, disappeared as quickly as it came... I am guessing it had to do with her brother then...

Bottom line was that we had a very nice 3 days together and I'm hoping that THAT particular blockade has been broken.... That will, of course, mean that STBX has more "thinky-time" available to her if D8 is with me like she is supposed to be and STBX won't like that much... I guess it will give her the chance to find a new source of happiness, a new R, a new victim, if she chooses.... But that, outside of any impact on my kids, is not my farm, not my cows, not my BS to scoop....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Silver

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #93 on: May 15, 2019, 04:24:16 AM »
Sounds great UM, not sure that STBX founds happiness with all that spare time though... ::)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #94 on: May 15, 2019, 04:30:20 AM »
Glad you had a wonderful 3 days UM. I hope you get a bunch more. If anybody can change the stinky eye to a smile, it is you my friend. When she gets older, you can make her smile sending GIFs. 
Have a good one UM

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #95 on: May 15, 2019, 07:35:26 PM »
Love your 'stinky eye' comment.  Aren't girls so difficult to read sometimes.  I often find those looks come from them when they are brooding and just need a hug.  Her brother probably was the cause, it's possible she doesn't know either, we girls are a strange bunch at times.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #96 on: May 16, 2019, 01:50:56 AM »
we girls are a strange bunch at times.

You are?!?! Haven't noticed  :o ;)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #97 on: May 16, 2019, 02:00:00 AM »
Love your 'stinky eye' comment.  Aren't girls so difficult to read sometimes.  I often find those looks come from them when they are brooding and just need a hug.  Her brother probably was the cause, it's possible she doesn't know either, we girls are a strange bunch at times.

It was the "brooding" thing but I thought that didn't start until closer to puberty!  :o  <snort>

It was funny because when we got out of the elevator, she did come for a hug so ......

And I am SURE that her brother needling her a bit was NOT helping.....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #98 on: May 16, 2019, 02:40:42 AM »
we girls are a strange bunch at times.

You are?!?! Haven't noticed  :o ;)

I never noticed  ;) ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #99 on: May 16, 2019, 03:25:27 AM »
Great update - very happy you had a few happy days with the kids!  That is like medicine.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #100 on: May 16, 2019, 03:33:43 AM »

It is hard for me to call anyone the perfect LBSer when they are responsible for designing and building the bus to Hades with Morte as our driver.


I heard my name, and was summoned from the depths.... ;)

Personally I believe all the LBS on the bus to Hades may not be perfect, but damn if we won't go out with style and humour.  8)

Love your 'stinky eye' comment.  Aren't girls so difficult to read sometimes.  I often find those looks come from them when they are brooding and just need a hug. 

This.

Love your 'stinky eye' comment.  Aren't girls so difficult to read sometimes.  I often find those looks come from them when they are brooding and just need a hug.  Her brother probably was the cause, it's possible she doesn't know either, we girls are a strange bunch at times.

It was the "brooding" thing but I thought that didn't start until closer to puberty!  :o  <snort>


Mine has been doing it since she was 7.  ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #101 on: May 16, 2019, 04:11:33 AM »
Hello,

Quote
We get to the elevator and D8 was giving me the rainy face. I asked her what was going on.  She pouted a bit more and said "nothing." I just looked at her and said "Oh come on.... If you are going to be giving me the stinky-eye I want to know why.... "

Just preparing you for what you will get in a few more years.....

Look! I'm a teenage girl. I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long sullen silences... followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... or mean comment?

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Mine has been doing it since she was 7.  ::)

Maybe I am wrong and girls start acting like teenagers at a much younger age these days.

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Bottom line was that we had a very nice 3 days together

That is the most important thing. It is the 3 days with them that will matter the most, the memories, the laughter, the arguing, the passive-aggressive behavior, the silliness, the silence and peace at night as they sleep, and most of all the love that all of you will share.

That's your why and that's why you are the perfect LBSer!

Double fist bump, high five, and a shot to boot,

Ready



"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #102 on: May 17, 2019, 05:22:39 AM »
I can remember being 'broody/moody' during those early years and just to play with all the guys minds here - reasons for broodiness could be:

Something had happened I didn't want to talk about
I had done something wrong and thought staying quiet was my best option
I was 'up to something' my mother wouldn't approve of.
I had been reading a book which affected my mood and my mind was still in the book
I had remembered a past experience where my mother had reacted negatively towards me and I was reliving it
My brother had annoyed me and my mother took his side even when I was right (young girls are always right)
My brother had annoyed me and I was angry
I had done something wrong and was afraid of being found out

This is the short list, I can think of many more.  Girls and women's minds are like the internet, always sparking and connecting.  There is never just one reason for broodiness.
 
Good luck working it out.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online UrsaMajorTopic starter

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Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Reply #103 on: May 17, 2019, 05:50:56 AM »
Good luck working it out.

I put it in the same "Tasting Green with my elbow" category as MLC...... If she wants to talk, fine. If not, fine too  but the stinky-eye isn't going to fly without being called out.... It's that "being able to communicate about emotional things" thing.... akka "MLC preprogramming" :o ??? ::)
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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