Author Topic: My Story 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.  (Read 2974 times)

Online MillyTopic starter

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My Story 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« on: December 05, 2018, 02:17:06 PM »
Hi everyone, a new thread. Not much to report nowadays since H is a bit of a vanisher, has been for over a year. The other day he saw S14 and after S said he wanted to see his dad more, H insinuated he might be moving to the US or the UK.

Tomorrow I fly to the UK with S14 to visit D21. This weekend is traditionally a big holiday weekend here in Italy. We've had a lot on with the move, S's math's tutoring, my work, then my wallet stolen. But I have a couple of prepaid cards in my wallet now and some cash. We have a 10am flight. Will be at my D's by about 2pm. We'll have an easy afternoon then a cosy dinner somewhere.

D21 has been texting, she's so excited about us coming. S has not seen where she studies, has not been to this town by the sea. D21 is booking some fun places for dinner, not fancy but different, and she's going to take S iceskating, and while she has classes on Friday, S and I will sneak in some Christmas shopping for D21 and D24.

I was thinking of canceling this trip the other day when I had my wallet stolen. I thought it would be much easier if we stayed at home, I sorted the house, did the tree, S studied, but he wanted to go, and now I know it's the right thing. We should have been doing little trips like this as a family when H was still at home. But we were so busy working, careful not to spend on having fun, or at least I was, always watching the pennies and waiting......for what I don't know. I really feel it would have taken so little to avoid this MLC. And yet they say it cannot be avoided. I believe, and I may be wrong, that a ML transition cannot be avoided, but maybe a crisis can.

Since Monday when H came to do S's ID card, I have had a little contact. Nothing much, but I asked if I could use his credit card to book suitcases on my flight since my cards were stolen. He emailed me his card details immediately. I thanked him and he answered. Tonight he wrote to S asking what time we were leaving. He's thinking of us. Probably wishes he were coming too. As I said, we should have done things like this while we were together. We would have been so excited to go off for a long weekend together. If H were with us we would have booked a cute hotel. I'm staying in D's room. I prefer this as it justifies the expenses more. This way I can take them out for dinner without feeling guilty, and can do some Christmas shopping. I have done none yet.

The day after my girls arrive, my kitchen will be put in. I've had to organize for the existing kitchen to be removed the day before. i've moved all my plates/pots etc into my dining room. Yesterday, my piano was delivered. It fills half my sitting room. The whole place is a mess again. I can't do it any more. I wrote to my girls and told them and said maybe they can redo the the sitting room and spare room when they come. I've had to work as well these days and there's only so much I can do.

I took my doggie to the dog hotel this afternoon and spent 1.5 hours in traffic trying to get to my S at his tennis. We got home, he finished the bed, I washed my hair and packed, we ate, he photocopied his homework and packed then went to bed, 9pm.

I've been happy texting my D21. She says it's really Christmassy there. Great, that's why we're going. I'm having wine from my pink fridge!! Love whoever said that, Acorn maybe? stupid show on the TV, and just need to unwind a little before I go to bed and face another day.

The exchange between my S and H pulled me down, but your posts on my previous threads have really helped. You gave many views as to what my H might be thinking and it has helped me so much. He's clearly still in replay. He's clearly not that happy, as in his new life is still not great. He doesn't know what is going to happen next. He spent a little time in really close quarters with me, his choice. He knows how S feels about the separation. He likes my new house. He might be moving abroad.

Thank goodness for this trip to distract me. I'm going to forget about everything and pretend I'm a normal person, just looking forward to Christmas. I'm going to do this for all of us. I'll wander around the Christmas shops, pick up gifts, eat out and think of you guys. I'll have a lovely time, in spite of this horrendous MLC we are all a part of.

I'm sure I'll be on the forum tomorrow night. You guys are my sanctuary.





Previous thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10419.150
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2018, 02:35:22 PM »
Coming along milly xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online Rippedapart

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2018, 02:45:03 PM »
Love your post Milly .  Safe journey to you both tomorrow.  Enjoy your break, concentrate on having fun , you all deserve it.

Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2018, 05:20:33 PM »
Following along, Milly!
Glad you are going to make the trip to your D.  It will be fabulous!

I have to disagree about ‘it would have taken so little to avoid this MLC.’  For your information, I don’t know any family that travelled as much as we did.  We spent a lot of time building family memories rather than renovating/upgrading house or fattening our savings.  That helped zilch with MLC!   

No, Milly, it’s not what we did or didn’t do that precipitated MLC.  It just happened.  No one could have predicted it.  I’m not even going to get into a debate about the causes of MLC.  There must a million plus one causes and any combination of them. 

Shout this with me: ‘MLC is not about me!  MLC is not because of me!!!!’

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2018, 05:49:10 PM »
Not sure I commented before on this. And I know your Hs comment about moving would have affected me the same way. But as a third party, it is just so clear he is still searching for his happy. That part is sad. What isn’t so sad is that he’s still searching and yet he’s with OW. So , clearly she’s not the answer. And there’s a part of him that knows this.

You have such a way of bringing us into your world Milly. And I have to say, it sounds wonderful. Oh I know the MLC crap sucks. But traveling to London, spending time with your children, shopping, eating, taking in the sights....this is  the stuff dreams are made of!

And wine from your pink fridge. Well that is just icing on the cake my friend. Enjoy every moment.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2018, 06:26:55 PM »
Safe travels Milly. I hope you have a lovely visit in London with your kids.

I can tell you that prior to BD we had quite a charmed little life here. We were checking trips off our bucket list, picket fence and a dog. The whole package. I have no idea what happens in their MLC brains that makes them decide to throw it all away but assure you that there is nothing little that can be done on your end to avoid the BD train wreck that has occurred. It is a major crisis that bubbles up from the inside of their soul. It never was and never will be about the marriage or anything you did or didn’t do. So let that go.

Go enjoy yourself and your kids. Forget about H and his search for happiness. He won’t find it here in the US either but you can’t stop him from looking.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2018, 08:41:04 PM »
Have a wonderful time with D and S Milly, special times. I’ve just gotten back from a week in Hawaii with my 3 kids, hard work to get there, so much to do like you say in your post, but am glad we spent that time together, don’t think there’ll be many more family holidays, as they get older. I’m glad your H helped you with the credit card, very civil of him!
Me 45
H 48
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2018, 12:23:52 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Milly.

Have a nice trip and a good time with D21 and S.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2018, 12:30:23 AM »


Since Monday when H came to do S's ID card, I have had a little contact. Nothing much, but I asked if I could use his credit card to book suitcases on my flight since my cards were stolen. He emailed me his card details immediately. I thanked him and he answered.

Milly, correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to recall not long ago your husband was being a real miser about little expenses for the kids. If so, then I think this is a good step forward. Not only did he help this time without hesitation, but he trusted you enough to give you his credit card details.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2018, 01:43:14 AM »
Hi everyone, I'm at the airport waiting for our flight. We thought our flight was at 10 so we left at 7.15am, but it's at 11.45. Oh, well.

You guys are the loveliest. Acorn and DF, thanks for telling me that you did do the great trips and had the idillic life and it still happened. That helps.

Kit, thank you for pointing out that in spite of OW, my H is not yet happy, and that he probably knows deep down. You know that's a very helpful thought.

CLG, lovely you went to Hawaii. Very far away!

Anjae, Rising, and Ripped, thanks for coming along.

Goner, thank you for this thought. Yes, my H has been a total miser with money during this crisis, even about the kids, never mind me, so this is a change and a sign that he trusts me. I like that. He either remembers what I'm like as a person, or has re-discovered it. Good way to send me on my trip.

So is sitting here at the café fiddling on his phone. He is soooo excited. Bless him.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

 

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