Author Topic: My Story 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.  (Read 2979 times)

Online MillyTopic starter

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My Story 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« on: December 05, 2018, 02:17:06 PM »
Hi everyone, a new thread. Not much to report nowadays since H is a bit of a vanisher, has been for over a year. The other day he saw S14 and after S said he wanted to see his dad more, H insinuated he might be moving to the US or the UK.

Tomorrow I fly to the UK with S14 to visit D21. This weekend is traditionally a big holiday weekend here in Italy. We've had a lot on with the move, S's math's tutoring, my work, then my wallet stolen. But I have a couple of prepaid cards in my wallet now and some cash. We have a 10am flight. Will be at my D's by about 2pm. We'll have an easy afternoon then a cosy dinner somewhere.

D21 has been texting, she's so excited about us coming. S has not seen where she studies, has not been to this town by the sea. D21 is booking some fun places for dinner, not fancy but different, and she's going to take S iceskating, and while she has classes on Friday, S and I will sneak in some Christmas shopping for D21 and D24.

I was thinking of canceling this trip the other day when I had my wallet stolen. I thought it would be much easier if we stayed at home, I sorted the house, did the tree, S studied, but he wanted to go, and now I know it's the right thing. We should have been doing little trips like this as a family when H was still at home. But we were so busy working, careful not to spend on having fun, or at least I was, always watching the pennies and waiting......for what I don't know. I really feel it would have taken so little to avoid this MLC. And yet they say it cannot be avoided. I believe, and I may be wrong, that a ML transition cannot be avoided, but maybe a crisis can.

Since Monday when H came to do S's ID card, I have had a little contact. Nothing much, but I asked if I could use his credit card to book suitcases on my flight since my cards were stolen. He emailed me his card details immediately. I thanked him and he answered. Tonight he wrote to S asking what time we were leaving. He's thinking of us. Probably wishes he were coming too. As I said, we should have done things like this while we were together. We would have been so excited to go off for a long weekend together. If H were with us we would have booked a cute hotel. I'm staying in D's room. I prefer this as it justifies the expenses more. This way I can take them out for dinner without feeling guilty, and can do some Christmas shopping. I have done none yet.

The day after my girls arrive, my kitchen will be put in. I've had to organize for the existing kitchen to be removed the day before. i've moved all my plates/pots etc into my dining room. Yesterday, my piano was delivered. It fills half my sitting room. The whole place is a mess again. I can't do it any more. I wrote to my girls and told them and said maybe they can redo the the sitting room and spare room when they come. I've had to work as well these days and there's only so much I can do.

I took my doggie to the dog hotel this afternoon and spent 1.5 hours in traffic trying to get to my S at his tennis. We got home, he finished the bed, I washed my hair and packed, we ate, he photocopied his homework and packed then went to bed, 9pm.

I've been happy texting my D21. She says it's really Christmassy there. Great, that's why we're going. I'm having wine from my pink fridge!! Love whoever said that, Acorn maybe? stupid show on the TV, and just need to unwind a little before I go to bed and face another day.

The exchange between my S and H pulled me down, but your posts on my previous threads have really helped. You gave many views as to what my H might be thinking and it has helped me so much. He's clearly still in replay. He's clearly not that happy, as in his new life is still not great. He doesn't know what is going to happen next. He spent a little time in really close quarters with me, his choice. He knows how S feels about the separation. He likes my new house. He might be moving abroad.

Thank goodness for this trip to distract me. I'm going to forget about everything and pretend I'm a normal person, just looking forward to Christmas. I'm going to do this for all of us. I'll wander around the Christmas shops, pick up gifts, eat out and think of you guys. I'll have a lovely time, in spite of this horrendous MLC we are all a part of.

I'm sure I'll be on the forum tomorrow night. You guys are my sanctuary.





Previous thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10419.150
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2018, 02:35:22 PM »
Coming along milly xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Rippedapart

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2018, 02:45:03 PM »
Love your post Milly .  Safe journey to you both tomorrow.  Enjoy your break, concentrate on having fun , you all deserve it.

Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2018, 05:20:33 PM »
Following along, Milly!
Glad you are going to make the trip to your D.  It will be fabulous!

I have to disagree about ‘it would have taken so little to avoid this MLC.’  For your information, I don’t know any family that travelled as much as we did.  We spent a lot of time building family memories rather than renovating/upgrading house or fattening our savings.  That helped zilch with MLC!   

No, Milly, it’s not what we did or didn’t do that precipitated MLC.  It just happened.  No one could have predicted it.  I’m not even going to get into a debate about the causes of MLC.  There must a million plus one causes and any combination of them. 

Shout this with me: ‘MLC is not about me!  MLC is not because of me!!!!’

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2018, 05:49:10 PM »
Not sure I commented before on this. And I know your Hs comment about moving would have affected me the same way. But as a third party, it is just so clear he is still searching for his happy. That part is sad. What isn’t so sad is that he’s still searching and yet he’s with OW. So , clearly she’s not the answer. And there’s a part of him that knows this.

You have such a way of bringing us into your world Milly. And I have to say, it sounds wonderful. Oh I know the MLC crap sucks. But traveling to London, spending time with your children, shopping, eating, taking in the sights....this is  the stuff dreams are made of!

And wine from your pink fridge. Well that is just icing on the cake my friend. Enjoy every moment.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2018, 06:26:55 PM »
Safe travels Milly. I hope you have a lovely visit in London with your kids.

I can tell you that prior to BD we had quite a charmed little life here. We were checking trips off our bucket list, picket fence and a dog. The whole package. I have no idea what happens in their MLC brains that makes them decide to throw it all away but assure you that there is nothing little that can be done on your end to avoid the BD train wreck that has occurred. It is a major crisis that bubbles up from the inside of their soul. It never was and never will be about the marriage or anything you did or didn’t do. So let that go.

Go enjoy yourself and your kids. Forget about H and his search for happiness. He won’t find it here in the US either but you can’t stop him from looking.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online CanLetGo

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2018, 08:41:04 PM »
Have a wonderful time with D and S Milly, special times. I’ve just gotten back from a week in Hawaii with my 3 kids, hard work to get there, so much to do like you say in your post, but am glad we spent that time together, don’t think there’ll be many more family holidays, as they get older. I’m glad your H helped you with the credit card, very civil of him!
Me 45
H 48
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2018, 12:23:52 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Milly.

Have a nice trip and a good time with D21 and S.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2018, 12:30:23 AM »


Since Monday when H came to do S's ID card, I have had a little contact. Nothing much, but I asked if I could use his credit card to book suitcases on my flight since my cards were stolen. He emailed me his card details immediately. I thanked him and he answered.

Milly, correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to recall not long ago your husband was being a real miser about little expenses for the kids. If so, then I think this is a good step forward. Not only did he help this time without hesitation, but he trusted you enough to give you his credit card details.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #9 on: December 06, 2018, 01:43:14 AM »
Hi everyone, I'm at the airport waiting for our flight. We thought our flight was at 10 so we left at 7.15am, but it's at 11.45. Oh, well.

You guys are the loveliest. Acorn and DF, thanks for telling me that you did do the great trips and had the idillic life and it still happened. That helps.

Kit, thank you for pointing out that in spite of OW, my H is not yet happy, and that he probably knows deep down. You know that's a very helpful thought.

CLG, lovely you went to Hawaii. Very far away!

Anjae, Rising, and Ripped, thanks for coming along.

Goner, thank you for this thought. Yes, my H has been a total miser with money during this crisis, even about the kids, never mind me, so this is a change and a sign that he trusts me. I like that. He either remembers what I'm like as a person, or has re-discovered it. Good way to send me on my trip.

So is sitting here at the café fiddling on his phone. He is soooo excited. Bless him.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2018, 02:50:36 AM »
Have a lovely time, Milly  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2018, 05:44:16 AM »
Bon voyage! And safe travels....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline Ropeburn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2018, 07:12:44 PM »
Enjoy thy self ...I know i would

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2018, 05:55:08 AM »
Thank you Treasur, Um, and Rope for your wishes. I did have a lovely long weekend in the UK with D21 and S14. I was worried it would tire me out, but it was much easier than my normal life, plus eating out is such a treat: no shopping, no cooking, no cleaning!

We wondered around the little shops. I picked up Christmas decorations and silly things, bought D21 a dress to wear on Christmas day, and let S14 have a little pocket money to go buy himself a sweat shirt. It was more a chance to be alone and girlie with my D. Both kids were really happy. The weather was miserable and coldish but just being in a different place was fun. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

We got back early yesterday, Sunday, so S14 was able to finish his homework and I unpacked both my suitcase and some boxes from the move. I also planted two Christmas trees in terra cotta pots outside the French doors of my sitting room. I have lights for them but need to buy batteries. T

his was a job I had been putting off. The pots held my Ficas (palms) which rotted at my friend's house last winter. Gardeners will understand what it means to move a rotting Fica. They weighed like a dead body, too. 

The weather here is just stunning today. I'm in awe, once again, of the beautiful views from my little hayloft. I'm sitting on the couch in my sitting room and can see past the two Christmas trees to the hills beyond.

Nothing new from H. He asked S when he was leaving then never messaged him again. I have been a little on edge since hearing from my S that H might be on the move. It reminds me of how I felt that first year after BD when H said he was moving to the US for good. He was back two months later though. From emails from OW that I only discovered recently, it seems that H and OW split up while they were away and H was considering coming back home. I guess, it's just as well he didn't try since he's clearly not cooked yet.

Anyway, the thought that H could up and move all his stuff to another country is another final feeling for me. Everything, including my head, is telling me that my H is never coming out of the tunnel and I need to move on. Shame my heart doesn't agree.

I spoke to D24 on the phone last night. She told me that her abandonment fears were triggered recently when her ex boyfriend and H contacted her. Her ex-boyfriend was really bad news so I told her not to get sucked back in by him. Then I said: But Daddy is fine, isn't he? She said, yes, he's fine but that he probably doesn't want me to know so she is not going to tell me why, just like when we had issues in the past she knew I didn't want him to know.

Kind of a cryptic message. I didn't push for information, just said I understood and that was fine. In the past, I would have pressed more, now I know it doesn't work. I suspect that when she comes she will need to vent and will tell me. If she doesn't, I won't ask, however it has left me wondering what's happening with H. I feel like a big something is about to happen.

I am a little apprehensive about her coming because she stays with H and OW and then I get to hear things I don't like. If I tell her to not tell me anything about them, I might not get to hear something I might like to hear. I also don't want her to think I'm sitting waiting for her dad because I know she tells him about me, and the clinging image is not attractive, it's suffocating. In fact, I've been thinking of telling her I'm seeing someone.

While I was away, I got an email from my L. Don't you hate that? She told me that a few days ago there was a hearing for the separation where each side puts their case for conclusion of the separation phase. This means that the separation phase is coming to a close and then the divorce phase begins. I knew it was coming. The judge said in May that he wanted the separation concluded. It makes sense since the longer this goes on, the more money I waste, but it does feel like the end.

My L also said she has to see me before Christmas to talk about something H's new L said at the hearing. When she says 'new' I presume she's talking about the one I already saw, which would be his third. I wonder what this 'something' is.

I hate it, there's always something stressful. Now I'm thinking that he's going to quit his job and move abroad. This way he might think he'll get away from paying maintenance since we won't know what he's up to. I certainly wouldn't waste the money searching him down. What a drag. I will be divorced in the year 2019. I guess the only up side is that I won't be receiving any more emails from my L.

So my mood is not great these days. I feel that I should be more detached by now, but find I'm still holding on to hope over my H. I know I should find happiness within and I have, to a certain extent. I like the life I have now, I just wish I could share it with my H. 

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Thunder

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2018, 06:22:01 AM »
I'm sorry Milly, none of this is easy, or makes any sense.

We know in our head this isn't right but all we can do is go through with their goofed up decision.

You view sounds awesome!! I'm glad you're happy there, Milly.   Your place sounds absolutely beautiful.  :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #15 on: December 10, 2018, 06:32:53 AM »
Ah, dear girl.
The one thing we learn is to trust those little bits of instinct, the little bit of intuition.
But
Just bc we trust doesn't mean we have to DO anything.
And letting it be usually naturally separates out the monkey brain voice from the wise gut voice imho.

I'm glad your trip was good. I'm glad the view from your new home is beautiful. I'm glad that you will be seeing all of your children at Christmas.

And the other stuff? If your gut is right that there is some change in the wind coming? (And there is some evidence from what you've heard that you may be right)
It doesn't mean it is bad, although post-trauma we get used to thinking so.
And if it involves your h in some way, you know he ain't cooked anyhow.
You can also says yes, no, not now or need to think about it no matter what happens.

Respecting and rebuilding your relationship with your oldest daughter is more important than any 'new' info you might hear about h/ow. You were right not to press her. You are right to trust that she will tell you if she really needs to about anything that affects her. You are right to keep some of your life unspoken about, although I wouldn't lie either about new Rs or anything else. You are right to say you have no interest in h's life unless it affects your kids, your safety or the legal process if that's how you feel and to respond with no more than a version of Cool/Bummer/Wow if your kids insist on giving you a window into your h's life.

You know enough, Milly...don't climb back on the rollercoaster....trust that if there is something important you need to know, the universe, your L or one of your kids will let it slip. And trust too that you will deal with it whatever happens bc you are past the worst of things and have already dealt with tons of stuff you thought you never could. You are NOT the same Milly as when all this started.

I suspect the combo of your h's conversation with your son, the old police chief convo, moving home, your D's slight hint that something is going on with your h that she's not ready to talk about yet and the legal process....all of it is making you feel a bit nervous that any light at the end of the tunnel is another train! It may be...but it doesn't have to be one for you...and chewing on it now won't make it any clearer  :) right now, nothing substantive had changed and you and your kids are just fine. Your h? Hmmm, maybe not but that's still not your circus at the moment. Half baked is still not cooked lol.

Enjoy your sparkly tress. Enjoy the view from your windows. Enjoy your prep for Christmas with your kids. Enjoy the anticipation of your new kitchen. ( on a side note, I hate to think how grimly unappetising ow's obsession with calories could make any Christmas feast lol). Enjoy everything you have worked so hard to create in 2018 bc you have come such a long way, Milly. I'm a bit behind you but increasingly hopeful that my 2019 will be like your 2018!
« Last Edit: December 10, 2018, 06:37:41 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #16 on: December 10, 2018, 01:49:35 PM »
Glad to know you had a good time abroad.

Milly, don't tell your daughter you are seeing someone if you are not. Better say nothing than lie.

Who knows what the lawer wants. It is always stressful and, at times, it never seems to end.

Enjoy your lovely home.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #17 on: December 10, 2018, 03:06:45 PM »
Milly I feel your pain. Anytime I hear a new tidbit about H and OW, I just obsess over it. It is always so upsetting every time. But, do be gentle with yourself. It is the holidays and so emotions are at an all time high right now for so many of us.

The stuff with your D is also so hard. You want to be there. You want to rebuild that R. But you don't want to hear stuff about H. I get it. That is definitely a difficult balancing act. You have the right idea in pulling back. 24 is still so very young and she is likely having a really tough time with all of this too. I think mainly, she doesn't want to hurt you. I agree with Angae, don't tell her you are seeing someone. I am always tempted too. But those little white lies have a tendency of backfiring.

Your trip sounds wonderful. For everyone. And now you have the holidays to look forward to with all 3 of your children. I know it is still hard b/c we miss our Hs (in their previous forms), but as you said to me, we have only a finite number of Christmases with our littles. I know you will enjoy your time with them. You are such a kind and caring soul. Hugs friend.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Rippedapart

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #18 on: December 10, 2018, 03:25:13 PM »
Hi Milly,

Welcome back from your trip, glad you all enjoyed yourselves and you even managed to do some
Christmas shopping. 

I am sure your H words about moving is worrying you, but as others have said he is still running, still looking for happy ever after land .  I wonder what or who might have prompted that discussion about moving.  Might have been prompted after the drama that took place during their altercation.

If ow knows your H has been to your house she may be feeling insecure...  I wonder does she have access to his bank and credit card details, if so she will soon see that he paid for suitcases for you for your trip.  Oh to be a fly on the wall if she finds out  ;D

You are and do not portray the image of a clinging woman Milly, you have been getting on with your life as best you can,  it's not as easy to GAL  as mentioned here sometimes because of children, work, responsibilities etc., and generally now doing the work of two parents , it's tough, it frustrating, it's tiring and it's lonely and to top it all Christmas is approaching and we all have to put on our happy masks , when in fact it's the last thing we feel.

Your hay loft sounds lovely Milly, you are blessed with 3 great kids, a job, a new home and a great view, you can deal with whatever comes your way,   No matter what you will be ok, can't say the same for your H, but thats for him to sort.









Offline Ropeburn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2018, 08:30:52 PM »
Milly
  Glad you had a god time on your trip.

 I never had to hear anything about OW I was oblivious.  I believed his lies when he said he wasn't seeing anyone :-\ . He told me this like 2 weeks before he married her ,can't make this shyt up

  As for him leaving trying to get out of maintenance, mine said that too. By this time I was feeling better about myself so I told him to go ahead he would have to use his SS # sometime he would be found .
  He didn't like that at all so he said he would move to Alaska and live off the land  ::)

   So don't worry as much as possible, enjoy the kids ,your trees and that wonderful pink fridge lol

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2018, 01:43:46 AM »
Milly I am pleased to hear that you had a fabulous time with your S and D.  Precious memories that can never be replaced or erased.

Your H sounds as though he is still running....deep in his fantasy world...just like my Husband.  Sadly they are missing out on so much of their children's world...milestones, birthdays, Christmases...it is just so sad.  Ironically I get sad and very teary often, I know that my Old Husband would never be like this, not in a million years, he was always their for our Kids, our family and he was there for me....these actions alone tells me that something is very wrong with H...which I believe is MLC...therefore I trust the process.  When and if he has his awakening I for one will have a broken man...he will never forgive himself for the hurt he has done to US...his family, his wife, his kids and his beloved brother. 

In the meantime all we can do is move forward.  Be the best MAD (Combination of Mum and Dad) possible for our beautiful kids. Enjoy and cherish all these beautiful and wonderful times 😘😘
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #21 on: December 11, 2018, 07:13:28 AM »
Milly, I’m glad you could have a good vacation with your beloved children.  You truly deserved a break from your busy job and moving house. 

Your H will do what he will do.  He will run and run until he wakes up to the fact that he cannot run away from himself.  To get to that point, he needs to try all manner of escape.  I saw my H do this.  He tried everything.  In the end, nothing solved his problems because they lay within him.  One can’t tell MLCer that.  They have to come to realize through self reflection and counselling.  These, too, are out of our control. 

What strikes me is the contrast in attitude between you and him.  You face the difficulties in your life.  He runs away from them.  One doesn’t have to be a MLCer to do that, I guess. 

You are doing good, Milly, always holding up a mirror for yourself and working on whatever you find there. 

((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline forthetrees

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #22 on: December 11, 2018, 02:37:05 PM »
Sorry he´s being a piss ant.

Please upload a photo of the pink fridge.
Please make wine recommendations, BUT NOT the usual way. Instead, can you suggest a wine for when the LBS is feeling__________ or when the MLCer has done______________? Surely these wines have different purposes that fill a need or mood;)

Your h´s response to S regarding his highest desire for an xmas gift was bizarre. People in their right mind don´t threaten to move away when their child is basically asking in an emotionally raw and vulnerable way to have more face time. The disconnect there is glaring. I hope it is glaring enough for you to see that he is still a PIC- person in crisis. Rhymes with....

Hugs from the US of A
FTT
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #23 on: December 15, 2018, 04:54:57 PM »
Caught up and jumping on board with your newest thread Milly.  Oh a get together in Tuscany, a girl can dream!  I don't know if I could come, but I had better hurry up and get my passport so that I could try!

It sounds like something might be in the works for a change for your H, but who knows.  A lot of them seem to shake things up when one thing isn't working, until they make it through the tunnel and realize that nothing external will fix it.

Your home sounds very lovely and cozy!  I'm happy that you get to spend the Holidays with your 3 kids!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #24 on: December 18, 2018, 03:02:47 PM »
Thank you all for your lovely posts, and I will get back to them in detail in one of my next posts. 

Today was hard. I'm exhausted from my move and the demands from my new boss and I only did my first day of Christmas shopping today which is getting pretty close but I have noooo time, and I'm really down.

D24 arrived last Friday, same day as D21. They have already fought and that was stressful enough, but D24 told me she wanted to ask H to come to Christmas lunch with us (first time since BD) since OW wasn't going to be here for Christmas. I said ok, but that I didn't think he would come. SHe said she felt he was different.

Well she saw him the second night she was here. Went to dinner with H and OW to same restaurant I took my kids the night the 2 girls arrived. So D24 went to the same restaurant 2 nights in a row. D24 told me when she arrived that she is very upset with H, that he has triggered her abandonment fears (she gives me no details), that he is crying about having no money, that she is mad with him and told him that he needs to cut his spending, not go out to dinner all the time, well this restaurant is expensive.

So she asked him while OW was in the bathroom, if he would come and be with us on Christmas day. She said that H just looked at her in a soft manner, didn't say yes or no. She said in the past he would have made a face like absolutely not. I told D24 that chances were he would not come but that he was welcome if he wanted. That in the past when I had asked him, he always said no.

So today she spent the day with him. tomorrow is H's birthday. He's taking D24 and S14 for dinner to celebrate. He sent a message to S14 asking him if he would go for lunch to celebrate his birthday. S asked if it was going to be just D24 and him. H said yes, and D21 is she would come, and told S to ask D21 to come. D21 said no. For those who are not familiar with my thread, H and OW are suing D21. H is hoping to sweap it under the carpet.

So, D24 had lunch with H today. I don't really know what they talked about. D24 told me that she cried at her dads. She posted a photo of their lunch table with a bottle of my wine, an old vintage, with a photo of my winery on the wall behind it. I don't know if that was in a restaurant or at H's house. I don't recognize the place.

So, D24 tells me tonight that H won't be coming for Christmas lunch. H told D24 that he would NEVER come to my house for Christmas. He's flying to London, OW city, the day after tomorrow and will stay all the way through Christmas. This will be the first time for him in London for Christmas since BD.

He asked D24 if she was ok with it. D24 studies in the US. We see her twice a year. She came in July for 2 weeks, and she's here now for 2 weeks. He's leaving. D24 asked that he come back before she leaves on 1st January. He said he'll try to change his ticket.

Today, I was out Christmas shopping for my kids. It was bitter sweet as usual, like for all LBSs. I told myself to fake it, that it was Christmas, my kids were all here, and life was good. I came home to this information, and I'm feeling terribly sad. So, so, sad. I need to cry. My D24 is sitting near me, I can't cry. I'm feeling like I'm having a minor BD. I feel that my H will never want to come back to me. Even if he comes through his crisis, he will never want me again. I believe he really never wanted me in the first place, just like he said. I'm in denial. I am losing my H for ever. I'm just so sad.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #25 on: December 18, 2018, 03:46:38 PM »
((((Hugs)))) Milly

I find December such a difficult month - Christmas, S#2 Birthday and my Birthday.  Family celebrations and family traditions are followed with one member of our family missing.  A month that should be such a joyous time brings heartache to many.  I totally understand faking being happy.


 I came home to this information, and I'm feeling terribly sad. So, so, sad. I need to cry. My D24 is sitting near me, I can't cry. I'm feeling like I'm having a minor BD. I feel that my H will never want to come back to me. Even if he comes through his crisis, he will never want me again. I believe he really never wanted me in the first place, just like he said. I'm in denial. I am losing my H for ever. I'm just so sad.


Milly  atm we all know that your H is still in the tunnel.  Yes he is popping his head out of the tunnel spasmodically for your children and showing other small signs of some remorse/regret. D24 is noticing changes in him, thus making the comment to you that she thought he was different.   

But this is the same man that only recently mentioned to his son about moving away...possibly to another country.  He made this statement to his son knowing that his son is having a difficult time.  Does his sound like a man who is putting his children first?  He is still on his journey.

Interesting that Husband did not immediately say no or yes to D24 after her invitation to come for Christmas at their first met up.  He also did not tell her that he would not be in town.  This was only divulged during the second met up....I smell OW influence lol..do you think the OW had something to do with his change of plans and his outburst of "No" and "Not Never"...I believe so.

Milly you sound run down - emotionally and physically.  You need to breathe and take some precious "Milly" time.....a shower/bath and some wine?.

Milly enjoy every precious minute with your family...now and on Christmas Day.  You will have each other and lots of laughter.  I can guarantee you that while H may be physically with the OW where do you think his mind will be?  With his family of course.....he is the one missing out on so much Milly.  Be sad for him....not for you. 
« Last Edit: December 18, 2018, 03:48:42 PM by Brenross »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #26 on: December 18, 2018, 03:59:10 PM »
Bren, you are such a treasure. Thank you for your very kind post. I needed to hear your words right now. Such a hard night. You are helping me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #27 on: December 18, 2018, 04:03:55 PM »
We are here for you always Milly.  As I said...be sad for your Husband....not for youself...he is missing out on so many precious memories, milestones and celebrations with his family.  His beloved family. He will be a broken man when he realises what he has done.   D24 obviously has learnt well from you...she masks her emotional damage from her Father and you.

Hugs Milly
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #28 on: December 18, 2018, 07:40:27 PM »
Oh Milly,  I have been feeling very similar to you lately.  This has been my toughest month for a very long time because H has heavily escalated his R with ow and dropped the kids.

I just thought of a little story (true) that might help.  My RL friend was in the same position as us a few years ago and her H was set to have Christmas day with her and her 4 kids. Just before lunch he announced that he needed a lift to the airport because he was flying to see ow.  They were DEVASTATED.  He has since told her that he had a bit of a panic attack on the plane on the way over because he thought that maybe he had lost them forever by pulling that stunt.

I know that the situation is a little different for your H now and that it would be more unusual for him to come than to not be there, but it just goes to show how their actions don't necessarily reflect love and devotion to the ow.  There could be all sorts of messed up dynamics going on there.  I am also smelling something off about the fact that it didn't appear he had plans and then all of a sudden he does.  The whole idea might have just scared the squirrel a bit.  Your best bet is to act as if its totally fine either way and that your place is where 'its' at.  Be the lighthouse Milly girl!!!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #29 on: December 18, 2018, 09:55:13 PM »
Milly, your H always wanted you.  MLCers lie about not wanting us so they can convince themselves they are doing the right thing in either having the affair, leaving, or both.

If  I'd left my husband, I am sure I would have told him some ridiculous excuse, and probably out of anger or fear rather than truth.

Christmas is a very difficult time for all of us.  I have been staring at a corner in our house where the Christmas tree would be if I could bring myself to put one up.  I stated at this spot thousands of times over the past few weeks, as putting up the Christmas tree brings back so many memories of the children when they were small and H and I wrapping presents to put under it.  All those memories of Christmas mornings and sharing all the fun together, just bring up so many emotions that I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I am so fed up with this way of thinking that S22 and I are leaving in a couple of hours to buy Christmas tree.  I will decorate it and be happy for the life I have now even though it is so different from the one I thought I would have.

I know we'll have things that we should be really grateful for, and of course I AM grateful, but it doesn't make Christmas any less difficult.

I have chosen to work on Christmas Day, something I have done for most of the years since BD.  I tried one Christmas doing all the 'Christmas stuff'.  It was so painful, I've gone back to working on the day.

I know the feeling won't last for ever but after five Christmases, I would've thought things would be a little bit better by now which they are to some extent but the pain is still there when I think that H and OW are living MY Christmas and I have no right to take that away from me.

I'm glad we have each other and all the wonderful people of HS to guide us through this season.  Without all of the wonderful people here to make a few jokes and laugh at the stupid MLCers,  Life would be rather intolerable.

Please know you're always worth so much your husband and You love you with all his heart.  Everything he has told you since BD has been a lie.

Love and hugs,

xx
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #30 on: December 18, 2018, 10:15:44 PM »
Oh, Milly, this time of year is so hard for many of us.
Idk if your h is lost to you forever, but the truth is he lost himself a few years ago and so you lost him and the old life then. Nothing more has been lost.

And some important things have been gained...
All your kids are with you by choice for Christmas.
All of your kids are developing their own protective boundaries
Your oldest daughter now tells you more about what she thinks and feels, and is blaming you less.she can see that his choices about how available he is to spend time with her, even when she has been the most accepting/colluding one of the three, have nothing to do with you either.
All your kids saw you put them first and take the generous high road about Christmas with your h...he just lacked the grace and wisdom and courage to accept it...but they can see clearly that this was not bc of you.

Some of your daughters tears are about her disappointment as she is starting to see things differently. Being away has perhaps delayed some of her ability to see what is real and who he is now.  Yours, I guess, are a mixture of sadness about what he has become, your m and the fact that he is not the kind of father your kids would wish for either. It feels sad bc it IS sad.

But look at the gains as well compared to a couple of christmases ago....
Big festive hug xxx
« Last Edit: December 18, 2018, 10:17:52 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #31 on: December 19, 2018, 12:18:48 AM »
Thank you so much Bren, Hope, Savvy, and Treasur.

Hope, thank you for sharing the RL story, it helps. Is that H back with his family now? I think you might be right about my H getting scared by the idea of Christmas day with us, the squirrel, too much. Yes, he had no plans for Christmas. OW was not going to be here. H was talking to D24 about her being with me Christmas Eve and with him for Christmas Day lunch, and then suddenly he's off to London to be with OW.

Savvy, Christmas is so difficult. I feel the pressure to be happy because we must live in the moment, we don't know how long we have, but it's just too many memories as you say, and a big hole in my family. I'm very glad to hear that you decided to go get a tree with S22 and that you're going to decorate it. It's a little bitter sweet but definitely better than letting this MLC steal Christmas, too.

Treasur, thank you for your wise words as always. Yes, my kids are becoming better people. They are learning boundaries and are aware that relationships take work. Yes, they're all 3 choosing to be with me for Christmas, first time since BD. This is a big move towards me and what I stand for. Thank you for pointing this out to me.

It feels that every time I try to pull myself up, I get a whack on the head. Same when a couple of weeks ago I left my IC's office all intent on being a better mother, went to the supermarket and had my wallet stolen. Yesterday, I faked being happy Christmas shopping, and then the news that H was going to OW. I can see how easy it is to fall into victim mode. I know my wallet got stolen because I had too much on and was distracted. My H leaving from one day to the other, especially when D24 is here from the US, has nothing to do with me, I don't think.

Usually, D24 stays with H when she comes. She asked to stay part with me, part with him this time but H told her the first day that he's not putting the heating on in the spare rooms so she said she'd stay with me the whole time. Now, maybe he's feeling lonely. Who knows, maybe a bit of OW manipulation convincing him to save money on heating, knowing my D wouldn't stay with her dad then.

Today is H's birthday. He's taking D24 and S14 out for dinner. I guess he'll tell S then that he's going away.   This afternoon I have an appointment with my L. We recently had what is supposed to be the final hearing before our separation is final. My L said she has to talk to me about some stuff including something to do with garnishing his wages. This was supposed to have already been ok'd, so I hope it's not been cancelled.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #32 on: December 19, 2018, 12:39:18 AM »
Milly, her H is back with the family and he just adores them.  He has bi-polar too and has had a rocky 12 months which has included a return to drug taking and a 4 week stint in an in-patient facility where he focused on inner child work.  It appears that he has come out as an enlightened teenager so things aren't any easier for my friend right now.  He is still working through his stuff but he is trying which is great.  The ow was dropped several years ago and he has never gone back to that style of coping mechanism.

It's possible that this separation business is all seeming quite real for your H too.  We think they don't care or that they care about the money but only but I think they do. 

I can totally related to the constant blows you have been facing.  I asked D16 if she felt like a bowling pin lately because she's had a lot of things going on in her world besides her father being an idiot.  She gave an emphatic nod.  We were on our way to getting the 2nd of her issues fixed for the day and she was updating H by text and even told him that she had felt like a bowling pin lately but was taking charge and turning herself into a bowling ball.  So proud of that kid ;D
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #33 on: December 19, 2018, 03:49:56 AM »
Hi Milly,

I may be wrong but I smell a Pity Party /Temper Tantrum with H.... For some unknown reason, he CHOSE not to put on the heat in the spare room. The result (consequence) of that action is that D24 is staying with you the whole time instead of splitting as usual.  His reaction then is to stomp his foot and say "Fine! Then I'm going to London to be with Schmoopie!" <stomp stomp stomp> because I didn't get my way and my actions have generated consequences that I do not wish to be liable for...

Sort of like this one...

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #34 on: December 19, 2018, 03:59:15 AM »
Wow, Milly, no heat in the spare room is the best excuse he could come up with?
I see it as avoidance working at full throttle.  Going away for Christmas is the same.  It’s almost like a very young child that covers his eyes in the hope of escaping whatever’s right in front of him.

The invitation was an immense pressure for him.  Nothing to do with you or the kids.  He cannot face any truth, can he now?  It’s his family he abandoned for what, exactly?  The fact that he did not refuse outright immediately perhaps shows his fog was a little less thick for that moment, I think.  A reality check of sorts.

You will be ok, Milly.  You are surrounded by your kids.  I hope you get lots of hugs from them.  I’m sending you some cyber hugs (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #35 on: December 19, 2018, 04:16:21 AM »
Acorn's take sounds about right.

But his screwed up avoidance is your win, Milly, bc it brought your daughter home with the rest of you for Christmas. That is a priceless gift...and absolutely his loss. I hope the four of you will enjoy delicious food and wine while your h starves on a low-carb meal in a misearble grey ow-infested London. And ironically as it sounds as if it wasn't planned, ow might get her Christmas ruined by your mr sadz self pitying h who can vent a bit of rage at her instead.

Tbh, I see nothing but gains for Team Milly from this  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Mitzpah

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #36 on: December 19, 2018, 06:54:41 AM »
Milly,

I agree with the others about your h.'s initial reaction to the invitation and his angry refusal later. Perhaps, he discussed it with ow and she put the pressure on...

It is hard for the kids too - your eldest daughter tries so hard to be the cool kid that deals with this in an adult way, yet it obviously tears at her  :( - I feel for your d21 and the way she is 'left out' of encounters with her dad because of the incident with him and ow. It must be very upsetting for her to see her older and younger siblings attempting to have a good relationship with dad and she is kind of outlawed. I hope s14 is not too upset when he finds out that his dad will be away at Xmas.

I guess that while he is in this relationship, the kids will not have much of a chance with him and will learn the hard way that ow takes precedence.

Milly, I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your 3, I learnt to hold on to some of the old traditions and make some new ones and I can honestly say that after 8 years, it has become a lovely holiday again - still a bit too much work for me, but that is ok, I am also learning to not commit myself to things that are not so important and accept/demand, sometimes :P help from other members of the family. Thankful for my many blessings and my children around me.
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #37 on: December 19, 2018, 07:32:27 AM »
Christmas menu for Milly’s H and OW:

- a massive kale salad, no dressing
- a sliver of avocado with a drop of lemon juice.  More than a sliver has too many calories.
- 1 ounce of chicken breast fillet, sprinkled with pepper.  No salt.  Not brushed with oil. 
- a picture of a roast turkey as the centre piece to drool over
- no dessert or Christmas cookies. 
- a pair of chopsticks, rather than a fork and knife, to slow down eating as to prevent indigestion
- house temp set at 15C (60F) to burn more calories to maintain body temp
- rain and more rain.  Apologies to UK folks.

Looks like Grinch’s Christmas. 

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #38 on: December 19, 2018, 10:28:39 AM »
Acorn---we should add a bottle of Milly's wine to the table for good measure. ;)

"So, D24 tells me tonight that H won't be coming for Christmas lunch. H told D24 that he would NEVER come to my house for Christmas. He's flying to London, OW city, the day after tomorrow and will stay all the way through Christmas. This will be the first time for him in London for Christmas since BD."

I read in the Prodigal Spouse (wrong name I just can't think of it right now) that the LBS who is standing should rejoice if they ever hear things like this. The whole "I am never coming home" thing is an outward exhibit to their inner struggle. And make no mistake, your H is struggling big time.


Holidays are brutal Milly. And even though you are surrounded by the love of your 3 biggest blessings in life, you are sad b/c you miss your H. I can so relate. We all can. All we can do is fake it and try to enjoy these moments with our kids the best we can. And it is ok to cry a little too. You've been so strong through all this Milly. ANd so graceful too. Hugs friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online handpuppets

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #39 on: December 19, 2018, 10:42:25 AM »
Milly, a gentle reminder that him turning down the Christmas Day invitation has nothing to do with you. The invitation was pressure and we all know what they do with pressure: they run and scatter. He's trying to numb the (self-inflicted) pain and his distraction of choice is OW.

I know it hurts your heart and feels personal but trust the process (I can say this almost eight years into this journey). Your H is choosing to miss out on time with his children. He could have easily turned down the invite but still stayed in town to see them. And because of his choice, you will get your children all together for the entire holiday. I think you are winning if you look for the blessings out of this mess. Therefore, focus on making limoncello out of the lemons. And that doesn't mean that things have to be fancy or that you have to over compensate. Just be present and mindful and embrace whatever the holiday brings (all of the feelings; no need to fake anything). Your children will remember who was there for them.

Sending you light and love and a wishes for a warm and peaceful Christmas.
« Last Edit: December 19, 2018, 10:47:35 AM by handpuppets »
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #40 on: December 19, 2018, 10:59:41 AM »
I have nothing to add to all the wonderful advice you have already been given. Just sending you warm wishes for a peaceful holiday surrounded by all your children in your new home. Don't forget to stock up the pink refrigerator with some of your favorite beverages.  ;)
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline ember

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #41 on: December 19, 2018, 10:04:08 PM »
following along

Offline Puzzled

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #42 on: December 21, 2018, 06:09:29 AM »
Milly, I just wanted to echo what others have said -- your H announcing that he'll NEVER spend Christmas at your house seems significant.  His reaction is highly emotional and sounds like a temper tantrum.  Overall, his behavior has been erratic -- didn't he buy a Christmas tree recently?  And now he wants to fly to the UK instead?  And not spend time with his eldest daughter, whom he rarely sees?  And be a miser and not heat the guest room for her?  And maybe move abroad but already regrets not spending enough time with his son?  There seems to be lots of mental and emotional chaos going on, which could indicate some sort of movement.  Probably best not to let it get to you.  Much better to enjoy being with your kids in the meantime. xox
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #43 on: December 21, 2018, 06:45:57 AM »
Hmm, think Puzzled puts her finger right on it....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #44 on: December 21, 2018, 07:24:47 AM »
Milly, I can totally relate to a bash in the head every so often. Just had another myself as h has cut contact with the children due to me insisting on boundaries but also for me telling him that the local support team MUST have contact with him. Apparently I make him ill and he can’t be hospitalised AGAIN due to my interference with our children and his visitation which is here there and everywhere when he can fit them in. H has said he will NEVER step foot in the house again. Xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #45 on: December 21, 2018, 12:36:28 PM »
Thank you all so much and so many of you. Your comments have really helped plus given me some laughs. I do love that you guys remember I love prosecco and that I have a pink fridge. It's silly I guess, but I feel it's a big sign of me choosing what Milly wanted and no one else. Treasur, it is a Smeg, although a little one. Love the light blue one, too. Shame you couldn't bring it with you.

Hope, I guess the separation could be getting to him, too, whether he likes it or not. Your D16 is really something. I have been following your thread and she's gone through a lot recently. Our poor MLC kids.

Treasur, thank you for reminding me that I'm the one winning right now. My first Christmas with all three of my kids since BD.

Mitzpah, thank you so much for following my thread. Yes, it is very hard on my D21. Of course she's very angry at her dad, but I'm sure her anger is also pain. She must miss him deep down, but being sued has to hurt so much.

UM, yes, my H is definitely feeling sorry for himself. My IC (saw her yesterday) says that H just can't be alone. That especially since it's Christmas, he's envisioning us all, oldest D included, having a cosy time with me, and H would be completely alone in his undecorated home. She says he can't stand the idea of being on his own, so he runs to OW just to have someone around.

Acorn, I agree with you that it's total avoidance. The invitation was pressure of course, and like my IC says, how can he enter my home and sit and have a drink as if nothing's happened when he cheated and abandoned me and he's soon going to be divorcing me? And looove the H/OW Christmas menu. You make it sound so awful. That's funny!

Kit, thanks for telling me what the Prodigal wife (or whatever it's called) says. This really helped me.

Handpuppets, thank you. It does help to think that OW is just a distraction so he can not think about stuff. I guess, indirectly, it means he's not feeling so happy.

DF and Ember, thanks for following and the encouragement.

Puzzled, good observation. I guess you're right. He did just buy a tree. In fact, D24 drove him to the airport and H left a bag of fresh vegetables and blueberries. So, very new food.

Rising, I've been following your thread, sorry that your H is being a jerk right now. Since he also said he'd NEVER step foot in your house, I'll be following to see if he does.

Well, H asked D24 to drive him to the airport yesterday. I find out later that OW was flying with him. That OW was booked to fly back to London yesterday, and H bought a last minute flight to go with her.

However, their flight couldn't take off since they were flying to Gatwick, drone problem. So in the afternoon H phones D24 to ask if she can pick them (H and OW) up a the train station and drive them home. The three of them stopped at a wine bar and had a glass of prosecco. Sounds like they were pretty happy, although I know my H will have switched he heat off at his house before he left so it would be freezing when they got there, plus he gave me his food. They are now waiting to hear when they can fly out. I hope that gives OW a nervous break down. When I asked D24 if they have been rescheduled already, D said that her dad is in no rush to leave so he doesn't care. I didn't ask her what she meant. So maybe as one of you said, it was OW who put the pressure on him to leave.

The other night D24 and S14 went out with H for a pizza to celebrate H's birthday. S told me while I drove him to school the following morning, that H spoke to them about our pets. He said that my previous dog was not a good dog even though we loved her to bits anyway. He said that my current dog (6 years old) was always a great dog but the older she gets the more beautiful she gets thanks to Mummy because she needs love. I guess that's an underhanded compliment. I think it also means H realizes that I want love. He accused me of being cold and a lizard at BD.

I saw my L this week. The separation is definitely coming to an end. H's lawyer is still trying to get maintenance reduced but chances are the judge will leave it as is. My L says that since September H has been depositing part of my maintenance on a monthly basis into an account that has been established for this purpose. It's not a lot but it will help. My L thinks that H will ask for a D immediately as soon as the separation case is closed.

So I saw my IC yesterday and she really helped me. She said I'm angry because H is going off to be with OW. She's right I guess. I'm still jealous. She told me that he's not choosing her because he wants to be with HER, he just wants a person around him. IC says that OW has isolated H from his family and from his old friends. Without OW, H has no one.

My IC pretty much validated everything you guys said and that is very helpful to me. She said she doesn't believe that OW knows that the separation is coming to a close, because her ultimate plan is to marry my H. If she knew the separation was about to be confirmed, you would expect her to have organized to be with H for Christmas and that they would be toasting the 'good' news. But the information doesn't appear to have made any difference to their lives.

My IC also thinks that my H is having confused thoughts. She thinks that H couldn't stand the thought of being alone on Christmas Eve and CHristmas day and is too scared to face me.

In case you're worried that I'm focusing too much on my H, I mean I am a little but I can't help it right now because it hurts. But I'm doing other stuff too. I went out to dinner with all 3 kids and a dear girlfriend of mine and her two kids last night. Tomorrow night I'm having 20 people between adults and kids for a pot luck style dinner at my new house.

Any of your thoughts are welcome.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #46 on: December 21, 2018, 12:43:24 PM »
Drone update...they just shut Gatwick again , Milly, so who knows whether ow will get her London carb-free Christmas lol  :)....or they might get diverted to Birmingham...and uk trains are always rubbish over Christmas ha ha
Meanwhile chez Milly, you and your kids are enjoying a wonderful day, gifts, ptosecco, great food, a little winter sunshine in your new garden...

Both your IC and your L sound very smart and aware which is also a blessing bc we need clear heads in confusing times  :)
« Last Edit: December 21, 2018, 12:47:12 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #47 on: December 21, 2018, 12:53:01 PM »
Treasur, thanks for the drone update and the 'fun' version of Christmas over at H's. I hope this adds a little stress over there. Hope you manage to get out to Barcelona, though.

Oh, and Forthetrees, to answer your post from the other day asking for wine suggestions for an LBS mood, that is a difficult one. Usually we choose our wines based on our own personal preference. Wines are subjective so I can like one and you'll hate it.

I choose wines more according to the time of day, the food obviously can influence the choice, or the temperature outside. If I were to be alone, I would always just drink my favourite.

If I had a group of 4-6 wine loving friends over for dinner, I would start with the lighter wine first. My suggestions are going to be biased, I'm going to propose wine styles from my region, Tuscany, of course!

So, during dinner, a Sangiovese (the grape of Tuscany) is perfect. That could also be a Chianti Classico as it has to be at least 80% Sangiovese, but don't buy the cheap ones. The Sangiovese tannins feel softer with food, the high acidity keeps the food feeling light and easy to digest, the nose (aromas) are not overwhelming so allowing the food to take center stage.

At the end of the meal, instead of dessert, I love to bring out a more complex wine, this could be a Sangiovese blend, an IGT from Tuscany (better known as a Super Tuscan), a Cabernet Sauvignon, a Bordeaux blend, or any full bodied red wine of your choice. I like to serve it with a lovely cheese board.

Your wines need to build in momentum, so start with simpler, lighter ones, and bring out the more complex ones later. A full bodied red is going to be heavy so you will need to know where your bed is afterwards!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #48 on: December 21, 2018, 01:12:42 PM »
Any nice dessert wines from your region, Milly?

Oh, just heard Gatwick opened again...but drones keep reappearing sonit is all a bit bonkers really
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #49 on: December 21, 2018, 03:04:59 PM »
You sound much better Milly. And you had me drooling with all your talk of wine. Seriously, let's talk LBS Tuscan meet-up after the new year please!

The book I was referring to is "Prodigal's Perspective" and was written by someone who had gone through MLC himself, and lived with his OW, even divorced his wife.  Eventually they did reconcile and now minister other families going through the same thing. It is extremely religious. But the perspectives were amazing!! And pretty much validating everything we hear on HS.

Enjoy your holiday Milly. And know that you are living the better life. Hugs friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline forthetrees

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #50 on: December 21, 2018, 05:15:20 PM »
I have copied and pasted the wine recommendations.

May you and the kiddos have a warm and cozy holiday together. Maybe H will straggle in like a bedraggled stray cat with the flights cancelled. If not, enjoy the smiles and rosy cheeks of your kids and guests.

Thinking of you and yours,
FTT
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #51 on: December 22, 2018, 05:17:24 AM »
Thanks, Kit, I'm going to get the book. I'd be interested in hearing the thoughts of someone who came through it.

Forthetrees, love the idea of the bedraggled stray cat!

I am taking everyone's advice and focusing on my kids being with me this year. They're sitting here, all three and a friend of D21, doing ginger bread houses. D21 bought the bases and made them last night. Today, after a breakfast of bacon and eggs, they're decorating them. Michael Bublé playing in the background.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #52 on: December 22, 2018, 05:34:41 AM »
That sounds wonderful milly xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #53 on: December 30, 2018, 04:26:20 AM »
Hello everyone, I haven't much to say but thought I'd journal as it's good for me.

Christmas was meh. I have been lurking and reading threads, and I see that Christmas was low for many of us. I guess there's just nothing we can do to prevent this. I feel guilty 'moaning' as I know it has been worse. I saw my IC the other day as I was so low and we came to the conclusion that this was one of my lowest Christmases since BD. The first one being the worst of course.

Maybe it was my expectations that having the house, the tree, the gifts, the outside stuff basically, that I could find that joy I'm missing. I guess I have so much work to do on myself still.

My IC and I worked out that my low came on Christmas morning as we were opening gifts. H had sent a gift bag for each of the kids. I'd been really happy when I saw that. He gave them to D24 a couple of days before Christmas and she'd put them under the tree. I had thought how thoughtful of him.

The bags contained items from a fashion store that only OW would go to. It felt like she invaded my space. She managed to get into my home and my Christmas. It felt like being stabbed. It just left such a gutted feeling in my stomach. I wasn't able to rise above it. We went through the motions of the day, my friend and her daughter came too, but there was a low in our house. That night my D21 sat with me by the fire. She told me she was so angry at her dad for what he's done to us. She told me it felt like such an injustice. This is Christmas night. We should be talking about what a lovely day we had.

My IC says that I am still in love with my H, duh. She says what upset me was not that my H was not with us but my anger at OW. I can't get over her. I feel that I'm not making progress.

I'm angry that OW has managed to alienate H from even D24, my oldest who took his side. By him being in London this Christmas, he hasn't been able to spend time with her. When they are together they have big talks, they both cry, she forces him to open up. I'm probably angry at this lost opportunity, too. D24 leaves in a few days to go back to the US. H won't be back until the new year. He's completely avoided her.

I am 4.5 years post BD. I think this is a very hard stage if the MLCer is not appearing to make any progress. I feel the years going by and fear I'm wasting my life, and yet I don't want any one else.

My D21 asked me the other day if I wasn't happier now since H left. I said that my life is more interesting now, that I'm able to make financial decisions and plan for the future, but I wouldn't say I prefer this life.

The friend who came to lunch for Christmas is pushing for me to go out to clubs with her to meet men. I'm so tired of people telling me to move on, to go out and meet men, that I don't go out enough, that there are tons of single men out there if I just make the effort. I don't want to meet anyone else. I have tried looking around and they don't do anything for me. I'm so sick of hearing people telling me to go out to meet men, that I refuse invitations now just so I don't have to hear this.

My IC told me she has not pushed this side with me because she can feel that it is a closed door for now. She said she knows with clients when a certain route can not be forced. She asked me why I don't just tell people that I love my H. I said because it's embarrassing. People tell me he's an @$$hole and I must never take him back. This is probably my fault as I shared too much info with them at first.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #54 on: December 30, 2018, 05:54:36 AM »
I’m sorry you had a low Christmas. I know what you mean when it feels like ow is in your space - that’s the hardest part for me personally. I hate the feeling that she has taken over the holidays - a time I used to love. Hang in there - the night is darkest before the dawn. I sometimes feel like the really low feelings come right before the breakthrough.

I used to hate when people told me start dating too. I didn’t want one man to help me get over another. I do know that going out more did help me to begin to find joy again - and that for me was going out with friends, etc. But no one can or should force you to date until that is what you feel interested in doing. Sending you lots of support.

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #55 on: December 30, 2018, 06:00:17 AM »
Hi milly, Christmas was meh here also. The kids said it didn’t feel like xmas and that h ha ruined the last 4 as he first left a week before xmas and the next two was home for xmas but left xmas day on one and Boxing Day on the other. H has not seen kids even though lives 4 mins away.

H won’t apeak to me and yet quite happily took my suggestion via email to sort convert tickets. His other present was money in a card which is good but the kids felt that no effort had been made.

Sons card was to an amazing son and d13 card was a cat with no such words. D13 has always said h prefers s15. She has never been a daddy’s girl. We also went through the motions and were all in bed by 10pm.

I was naughty and had a look at social media due to my sister mentioning ow posts. I have not looked for some time. There is nothing of h and ow, ow just likes and laughs or clapping hands emojis at posts about crazy psycho ex. Apparently I am an unfit mother and only want child support and the best was “ does it hurt when he does everything with me that he never did with you.”  I knew I shouldn’t of looked but took screen shots for court later.

I love my old h and also don’t want anyone else and my family and friends want me to join a dating site. That is not for me. The new yr will be quiet.

It sounds daft but I am considering changing xmas in our house the the summer. It then will be just mine and the kids without the hassle of the actual holidays. Daft notion really but I don’t know how to bring joy to xmas anymore. I tried my best but the kids were not interested.

I hope you have a better new year milly xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #56 on: December 30, 2018, 06:38:45 AM »
Ah, Milly, I would not have liked that sense of invasion either...but remember the reality, these are items via ow who is f'ing suing your D 21 for assault  :P. WTF...hey sorry for the legal drama but have a discount freebie   :-* :-* :-*. Stupid of your h, stupid of her, but says nothing new about anything important. But it is far from normal. Out of interest, do your kids have the same reaction?

Still, focus on the positive that he did something perhaps...the gifts that were not ow-infected.

I think your daughter has put her finger on it though. As LBS we are initially just overwhelmed by shock, then swamped by simply trying to fight one fire after another. I suspect it isn't until the drama recedes a bit and we reach a certain point of detachment that we can look some of our feelings right in the eye. Like the anger and sense of injustice your daughter talked about it. And maybe we have to do that before we can really move forward to wherever the next chapter takes us?

I'm sorry that Christmas - and life - is not entirely as happy as you wish it were, even though you can see the hard- earned new good things too. X
« Last Edit: December 30, 2018, 06:40:20 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Still Half full

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #57 on: December 30, 2018, 07:12:05 AM »
Oh Milly, I’m sorry that your Christmas wasn’t great. I think you’re possibly tired, you had so much to do with the new home and the pressure of getting everything lovely for your children, and it turns out that it’s just another day. I’ve found the pressure of everyone asking what I’m doing for Christmas draining, even though I’ve had a nice time, I’m glad it’s over

With regards to ow, she just had to inject herself into your day, that’s what some of the crazier ones do 😳 I’m sure she’s jealous that you were surrounded by your children and she will know that your H would have been thinking about this too, it’s all just drama for some of them

I’m glad you’ve been able to talk to you IC and are comfortable admitting your truth about still loving your H, people have stopped asking me about meeting a new man, I just didn’t react when they asked, told them that it’s not what I want and didn’t elaborate.  Some people want to get into a new relationship, others just don’t, nothing wrong with either option as long as you’re doing what is right for you 😊

I had a lovely marriage and a lovely relationship, I’m not looking for someone else, I don’t want the hassle, I’m concentrating on making me happy, learning how to live this new life that I didn’t chose and I think that’s fine, we all get to chose the path we take as we deal with what life throws at us and we slowly develop more strength, I think that’s what you’re doing too 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Online Mitzpah

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #58 on: December 30, 2018, 11:23:01 AM »


My IC told me she has not pushed this side with me because she can feel that it is a closed door for now. She said she knows with clients when a certain route can not be forced. She asked me why I don't just tell people that I love my H. I said because it's embarrassing. People tell me he's an @$$hole and I must never take him back. This is probably my fault as I shared too much info with them at first.

Dearest Milly,

I tell people that I love my husband - everybody looks at me  ??? and I mean everybody

As to the info you shared - people forget... what they remember is that our husbands have someone else - so this is a very closed conversation :P

Nowadays, I could care less what people think ::)

Sez I, enjoying an Argentinian Malbec poolside 8)
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #59 on: December 30, 2018, 12:16:59 PM »
I'm sorry you've had a low Christmas, Milly.

Can't see why it is an issue that you are still in love with your husband. People these days, ICs included, think love/being in love just goes away all of a sudden.

I understand the anger at OW, but the anger should be for husband. He is the married one and the one who didn't manage to say no.

Not nice that the gifts bags come from where they come, but, again, that is on husband. He could had bought the presents himself or told OW not to it.

Mitz is right, people forget what they are told. And a time comes when we don't care anymore what people think.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #60 on: December 30, 2018, 01:43:39 PM »
I totally get it Milly...ALL OF IT!   Your posts spoke my raw feelings.

Christmas 2018 was another Meh day for us too. Despite me trying my best to still maintain family traditions tears just randomly fell from my eyes throughout the day...that mask that I wear just continuously fell off.  Just an extremely emotional day.

EXH once again ignored his kids and his family for Christmas....no text messages no nothing.  This alone just breaks my heart into a million pieces. BUT this clearly tells me that something is not right with him.  The old H would never do this or not contact his beloved older brother. 

Milly I am so sorry that the OW invaded your Christmas Day!  Why would any woman purchase gifts for her partners kids?  Gifts are personal.  She does not know your kids, why would she do this?  Why did H not do it? Is he not capable?  The mind ponders on the various reasonings. I hope that your kids shoot  some truth darts in the coming months to their father.  I can guarantee you that his mind would have been with you and the kids  NUMEROUS times during Christmas Day.  They may be able to run and hide during the year, but there is no escaping Christmas!

Milly I too hate the dreaded phrase "Move On"!  If only it was that easy.  Just ignore....people just want to see us happy again and their intentions are good, but they fail to understand that we are healing....who knows if we will ever heal completely?  We are a work in progress. Enjoy the present time as best as you can....who knows what is around the corner for any of us.

Take care Milly...you are a great Mum and are doing a great job under extremely difficult conditions.  It is perfectly OK for us to have our meltdowns....ironically we are stronger than we think.

Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



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Online 1trouble

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #61 on: December 30, 2018, 02:02:59 PM »
Milly

Sorry you had an emotional Xmas...but one thing I want you to realise is what you feel for your H is

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

there is nothing wrong in that, nothing to be ashamed of it is very rare in todays society where people only give to receive
You are teaching your children how to really love, how to be resilient, proud and kind all at the same time

I wish you a progressive and kind new year xx
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

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Offline UnconditionalLove

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #62 on: December 30, 2018, 04:37:41 PM »
Milly, I totally understand!!!! I have no desire to meet another man. I don’t make any excuse that I do still love who my ex husband was.  Me being single doesn’t define me as a woman who needs another man to be happy.  The world says all single women should be with a man.  Don’t get me wrong.  I do get lonely but it’s for what I had not for something new.  But I do go out with friends and have fun.  I get to make my own choices and I love that but I made all the choices when I was married, sadly.  There is a part of me that likes being single but most of me is sad about what I use to have and won’t have again.  His midlife crisis isn’t moving forward but I really don’t know that because he doesn’t live in the same state.  He doesn’t reach out to me.  When he left he really did leave.  He hasn’t nothing so I’m guessing he’s not happy, happy, happy.  Well...I know he’s not.  When I do have to get a hold of him for something he reminds me that he’s life sucks.  LOL!  It’s the crazieness thing.  He knows I’m going to throw that back in his face but he still keeps telling me how his life sucks. 

I hate Christmas.  I didn’t put up my Christmas tree this year.  I am in a bad roommate situation so it just wasn’t worth going through all that.  Here’s to 2019!
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Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #63 on: December 31, 2018, 05:02:43 AM »
Re the Christmas gifts, I see a few things, if I may, please.

Your H is in a place where he is incapable of doing things other than staying alive (eat salad).  He thinks about what he should do (gifts) but has no emotional energy to do it.  A standard MLCer.
OW does him a favour.  She must be pretty desperate to hang onto him, even going so far as to buy gifts on his behalf.  Just think about it.  Who goes and buys a gift for someone you sued, plus her family?!

The gift saga is not about you, your kids or M.  Zilch, nada, big fat zero.
It is all about him and his circumstances.  I do understand the pain and disappointment of your family, however, it has nothing to do with you.  It shows the thickness of his fog, OW’s manipulation (she is buying his favour), and their disfunctional relationship. 

I hope 2019 brings you more healing, peace and joy.
(((((((HUGS)))))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #64 on: December 31, 2018, 05:36:13 AM »
Acorn and 1T are both quite right.

I shall think of my h this evening as the old year runs into the new, and hope that wherever he is, he is starting to win against his demons. And that he remembers he much he was truly and honestly loved bc that's worth something to all of us I think.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Ropeburn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #65 on: December 31, 2018, 08:33:54 PM »
Milly
 I never knew why anyone could hate the holidays ..boy was my eyes opened.
  So glad it's over
 
  Even though my xh remarried right after D I still love him and will always miss him ...the him he was

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #66 on: December 31, 2018, 08:40:10 PM »

 
  Even though my xh remarried right after D I still love him and will always miss him ...the him he was

Very true RB...where the heck did the MLCer H's persona come from? 




I shall think of my h this evening as the old year runs into the new, and hope that wherever he is, he is starting to win against his demons. And that he remembers he much he was truly and honestly loved bc that's worth something to all of us I think.

We can all only pray that they continue fighting the demons.....if they can?  I too wish that my ExH reminisced about the family who he has abandoned.  My children and I have all cried over the festive season....it just doesn't get any easier.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



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Offline Shelly7435

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #67 on: January 01, 2019, 06:39:07 AM »
It doesn’t get easier. Thank god for this site and all the great people here.

Happy New Years!
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Songanddance

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #68 on: January 01, 2019, 08:35:35 AM »
When people say - move on I used to reply - I am moving forward - will that do?

When people say - "You should be dating " ask them why or better still "what makes you think I am interested in dating?"  Usually winds them up and means you don't have to defend your self as to why you don't want to date.

Another response I have used (after hearing it from a good friend of mine) is " Why should I date? I'm having a blast just being me - anyone else might spoil my fun!"

People mean well but until they are in your shoes they will never get it.

I'm sorry you had a C*p Christmas Milly - I now don't have Christmas on Christmas Day - I have family day near to it even though I am reconnecting.  It actually is much more meaningful and tends to put the hype and drama and memories of MLCer/OW/OP into context and perspective.  It's just another day.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #69 on: January 01, 2019, 12:31:34 PM »
I agree with Acorns take on the gifts. To me it really shows how lost he is. And also a little of how controlling OW is. But still, bring reminded of her existence on Christmas sucks too.

You really do rock tho. You put a big smile on your face and held it together for your children. That’s what mama-bears do. I think these holidays will get better for us all. In time.

Happy New Year friend!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline xyzcf

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #70 on: January 01, 2019, 01:19:42 PM »
Hi Milly,

I love my husband. Never stopped loving him. He is the one who is deep in crisis/depression and I didn't stop loving him and I feel very strongly that he loves me too. But I cannot be a part of his world and I have no idea whether I ever will be. To come to acceptance about that took me a very long time. My BD was in 2009 and the "work" I have done and am still doing is fatiguing.

I am lonely but have no desire or need to date. There is a very long list of reasons why I don't want/need a man in my life. Main one being, I love my husband.

As we have said, people do not get this, but it is true and when we are able to face our own truth and live by what is best for us, we find peace.

Our children suffer greatly through this..it tore their world apart and I think they are torn between their feelings for us and their need for a father...who, other than superficially, have left their lives.

I am sorry that the gifts hurt you. I would be hurt by that too. Unfortunately our minds can take us to places that cause us further grief. I can separate myself from the pain of the loss of a really good marriage and life sometimes, but many, many events are triggers, songs are triggers, I still think about him throughout the day, even when I wake up at night. I do not know the key to turning those thoughts off...but they are less then they once were.

My coping mechanism, rightly or wrongly is to keep busy as much as possible...exercise everyday if I can and talk to a few good friends who continue to support me in the grief that I still experience over this loss.

Take good care of yourself...allow yourself to feel whatever you feel for those feelings are real and are a part of your life and who you are...I do not think another relationship is going to make those feelings go away..indeed, I have a few LBS friends who are in relationships and although they care deeply about their new partners and in fact love them, it doesn't take away the feelings they have for the love that left them so suddenly, destroying everything that we cherished in one sudden and unexpected manner.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2019, 01:21:01 PM by xyzcf »
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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #71 on: January 03, 2019, 07:14:24 PM »
It makes me angry too that the ow can ruin Christmas from afar.  She's a nothing Milly, always remember that.

I understand what you mean about their progress through the tunnel.  Most of us have r4ecognised this crisis probably takes about 6+ years to get through if they do it right.  Those who come back earlier are not cooked and go back to replay behaviours and we don't want that.

I have learned to keep my mouth shut around others, no one actually gets what's going on except for the people here.  This is no normal break-up, our H's are not well people and it's too hard for others to understand.

I hope they New Year starts off positively for all of us and we have a much  better 2019.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #72 on: January 03, 2019, 10:07:19 PM »
She's a nothing Milly, always remember that

Very wise advice Sav.  Milly the OP will try everything in their power to maintain drama...why I can’t answer.  You would think that they would be blissfully living their lives.  Apparently not!   The only approach is to ignore everything they do.  They are insignificant to you and your family. 
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



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Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #73 on: January 05, 2019, 01:50:38 PM »
Thank you so much all of you for the support you have given me. You all said the right words. Thank you for telling me the OW is a nothing, that she should be blissfully living her life, that she's a controller, that it's also my H's fault since he's the married one and should have said no, that he has only the strength to eat salad, and who buys gifts for someone they're suing? wish I could insert an emoji here! It's hard when it's your H's OW, so having you guys from the outside tell me this stuff is very helpful to me, since I trust you all so much.

Next year, if gifts arrive from my H for the kids, I'm going to tell them to open them privately themselves before Christmas morning. He doesn't get to destroy my Christmas since we doesn't come in person to share in it.

For the ones who say how much they still love their Hs and have no interest in someone else, thanks for sharing this. I'm reading this on other threads, too. I had some friends stay over at my house last night and we spoke of my single girlfriend who wants me to go with her all the time to look for men, and I was actually able to tell them that I am not interested in anyone now. Adding the 'now' I feel stops the follow on comments. Mind you, these friends didn't even bat an eye when I said I wasn't interested in looking for another man. I didn't admit that I love my H, as saying that still makes me feel a bit like a loser. My S14 and D21 know I love their dad, my oldest D doesn't want to know. Actually, I don't think she wants me to love her dad. She wants me to have moved on and be over with all this.

S14 has had a couple of texts from H over the Christmas holidays but all instigated by S. For NYE, H sent a jif of some chicken doing stupid stuff. S showed me. I said, looks like something a 14 or 12 year old would send. S says, no Mummy, much younger, like 10 or 9.

H told S he's coming back on the 12th, which means he will be away almost a month and the whole of the Christmas break. I imagine he's coming back with OW since he booked his flight out to be on her flight. He told S they could see each other the following day. We shall see.

So nothing new here. I worked a few hours this week, which made me feel better. I do need to stay busy as xy does. I can get over busy and burn out so I would like to organize my life better this year. I need to find a realistic schedule. I think this is going to be my resolution for 2019. Less of the over doing/running like a chicken with my head cut off, more stable schedule with work and free time, healthier eating and exercise, which I haven't done in years. I'm hoping that if I get into a good schedule, my life will finds its own changes.

I read my horoscope for 2019 and it's very good. I don't follow the horoscope usually, or only when I like it! and haven't looked at it for a couple of years or more. I was bored and looked. I'm a Libra is you want to check it out. It says very good stuff for 2019. Wouldn't that be nice. I hope so.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #74 on: January 05, 2019, 04:12:42 PM »
Good idea about the gifts Milly, don't ever allow him to ruin your Christmas or any other holiday, he doesn't deserve your time right now.

It's good you are't going with your friend to find men Milly, we really need to find out who we are and do things for us.  Most of us spent years giving to our H's and children without thought for ourselves and it's now ME time, time to do what you want and not what others think will make us happy.

I find work helps me too Milly, keeps my mind from monkey braining about you know who ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #75 on: January 05, 2019, 04:34:56 PM »
Agree with Savy, good idea about the presents.

Milly, I would like a new partner/relationship, but I would not go out with a single girlfriend who wants to go look for men.

The looking for men thing is silly and will never bring a true, healthy relationship.

Yes, the for now stops the comments. Besides, it is your life. None of their business.

You're probably right. Oldest D just wants you to be over with it all. If I was a child with a parent in MLC I would want the other parent to just end it it all.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #76 on: January 05, 2019, 04:57:30 PM »
Thank you Savvy and Anjae for agreeing on how I will handle gifts from H to the kids in the future. Also I like your support for me not wanting to go out with my single girlfriend looking for men. If she wants to do that because she wants someone desperately, that's ok for her, but it's not what I want or need. I need to do what is good for me. Thank you for validating me. Now that I'm accepting that I don't want anyone else, it's easier on me.

This need to move on and put my H behind me was an added stress. I mean, I wish I could move on. It would be so much less painful. I could stop thinking of H, stop feeling sad for my lost marriage, my lost family, my lost future, my lost income, my new hard working life, my new less money life, my new single parent life, my new middle aged single life, who wouldn't want this if they could choose it? I'm normal after all. But, moving on isn't something I can make happen.

I haven't moved on nor have any desire to  do so at present. I put a time in my sentence because one thing I've learned since BD is that things change all the time and from day to day. I don't presume to feel one way for ever. I might, but I might not.

Accepting that I don't need to find another man now, frees me and allows me to make decisions based on my choices alone. It's been years since I was able to do this, actually, maybe never since I moved straight from living at home to living with my H.

 
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #77 on: January 05, 2019, 05:24:31 PM »
You're welcome, Milly.

If your friend is into getting men for the sake of it, that is her business.

It is not what you want and need. You don't have to do it.

Lets see, we all move on. Life is not static. Move on does not mean having someone new, it means keep living.

Our feelings tend to change with time. But, as will all MLC time, time can mean, and often does, years.

Exactly, choices for you and you alone. If, at any time, those choices for you include another man, that will be your choice and your choice alone.

I could go out everyday and look for men. There is no one stopping me. But that is not what I want. I didn't meet Mr J because I was going out to get men, we meet because we both went to concerts/film festivals.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #78 on: January 05, 2019, 05:37:36 PM »
Hi milly, I hope your feeling a bit better today. You sound like you have made some decisions for you. One being You don’t want to go out and meet men and you will do that in your own time if at all. These are the right decisions for milly that milly has made for herself. I think that’s really positive. We didn’t choose this life of single spouse or single parent. Single spouse! Sounds ridiculous but that’s It exactly. I am a single wife/spouse/parent. What we do get to decide is how we live it and what we will tolerate and won’t tolerate.

I had to giggle, my predictive text kept changing milly to milky. 😂
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #79 on: January 05, 2019, 05:40:10 PM »
Milky Milly, that's cute!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #80 on: January 05, 2019, 09:40:22 PM »
Quote
But, moving on isn't something I can make happen.
.

I agree with this . Everything in its own time and in its own way. These things cannot be a "forced thing" . Onward you go and see who you grow into and what that new creation decisions are. It all takes time, growth and change ...for all of us.

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Shining Star

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #81 on: January 06, 2019, 03:23:36 AM »
Milly,  we are on the same time line and I am still struggling to stand after BD.  It is insane how long it takes to re-build after such a devastating loss.  I have stopped counting the days/months.  I, believe, that one day I will move through the darkness and that my life will be full.  Each day we make steps closer to healing, even if very small.  Some days are easier than others.  There is no answer - it will bring you to your knees until it doesn't.  Even if I was to eventually date and re-marry, I will never "get over" what has occurred over the past few years.  It is a part of me forever.  I equate it to loosing a limb -- you just learn to adjust your circumstances and live with it.  Be kind to yourself.  You are doing a great job of navigating the nightmare.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #82 on: January 06, 2019, 09:13:16 PM »
Caught up and sending you some (((HUGS))). 

I am constantly in a back and forth struggle.  And grief is not linear.  It definitely cycles, ebbs, and flows.

My SIL said that she felt that I was grieving the loss of my M more than I was grieving my H.  I had a hard time with that one.  Because, like you, there is still lots of love there.  I think the difference, and what my SIL is seeing is that I am grieving the death of my H, and don't really get on well with this new personality loosely resembling my H and sharing my children with me.  For those who don't know what that is like, they just won't ever understand.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #83 on: January 07, 2019, 08:45:52 AM »
Honestly Milly I cannot fathom dating anyone right now. I mean, I don't know where I would even find the time, much less any interest in it. I still love my H too. Some days I wish I didn't. But other days I find it brings me a certain peace. Not sure why.  My friends all want me to "move on" too. But when I tell them I am not ready to date, they all agree. They just want me to file for D. So I quit talking about it altogether. Only a few people ask me about things related to my H, and they are the ones who know of someone else who went through it. Unfortunately, this club we are in is pretty exclusive. But I do believe it will make us better listeners to others who (sadly) will experience the same thing.

Good idea on the gifts. I like that too. No need to expose yourself to any unnecessary pain.

   

I read my horoscope for 2019 and it's very good. I don't follow the horoscope usually, or only when I like it! and haven't looked at it for a couple of years or more. I was bored and looked. I'm a Libra is you want to check it out. It says very good stuff for 2019. Wouldn't that be nice. I hope so.



Yes--very good stuff for Milly in 2019! Let's get that LBS Meet-up in Tuscany going!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #84 on: January 07, 2019, 09:10:29 AM »
Oooh, Milly, I'm a libra too  :)
What horoscope did you read?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline heroIam

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #85 on: January 08, 2019, 07:30:31 AM »
Hey Milly
Been awhile since I've posted.  Hope you are well and Happy New Year.

I'm all in for the Tuscany meetup!!

I refuse to pressure myself into dating.  Or a D for that matter.  If you are OK with being with Milly, and friends and family for connection, then there is no hurry or pressure.  I appreciate opinions from others, but I know what is best for me.  People in general just don't know what to say in cases like this.

I've left that dating door slightly open.  I'm not closing to anything.  Just go with what you feel and what works for you.  And know it's OK with you (not your friends/family) in whatever you decide.


“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #86 on: January 08, 2019, 10:59:45 AM »
Thank you all for posting and sending support especially about the pressure from outsiders to date. Your comments have put me at ease. I'm glad I posted about it, I'm just going to say as you all suggested, that I'm ok as I am for now. I'm also leaving the dating door slightly open as in who knows, but I'm not seeking. Just like Kit, I don't even have the time.

This morning I woke with this cold feeling that my H was never going to come out of his crisis and I'm wasting my life. I guess it's a temporary awakening. I say temporary because I know I can cycle very easily. A cold feeling because it hurts just like when you get some very bad news. To block out the thoughts, I told myself that this year I'm going to focus on my work, do it as well as possible, get into a good rhythm of sitting at my desk and working, and then focuse on my S.

It was someone's thread I was reading that gave me these thoughts, sorry I can't remember who it was. It must have been a thread I was reading last night. Doing well at my work will boost my self esteem and will make my boss happy. If I find a good rhythm, I will find time to join a gym which I really want to do. Looking after my S14 well will be good for him and will give me a sense of achievement. It all sounds so cold when I break it up this way, but I need to in order to have a path to follow.

H returns to Italy this Saturday. He's been gone for almost a month, hasn't seen S14 at all throughout the Christmas holidays, as has been the pattern since BD. I imagine he's flying back with OW because, why not? In the past I would illude myself that he was returning alone and therefore would be alone and free of her for a while. But often I was wrong and then disappointed.

He's still with OW, the Alienator, so he's probably flying back with her. She's his partner right now. I would be flying back with my partner. As I told another LBS on this forum a couple of years ago when she was upset because she saw photos of her H with the OW at a local fair, that her H was still with the OW, so of course he's doing all the couple stuff. The fact that we know about the odd thing they do and get upset, doesn't mean it means anything particular. They are living as a couple and will do couple stuff until it ends.

H told S they should see each other Sunday. We shall see.

Tomorrow S was supposed to have a dentist appointment for his next set of braces. He missed the one before Christmas because H forgot. H booked it and was supposed to take him. He then called (I insisted he do it since he screwed up) to rebook. He had told us it was tomorrow but not the time. I have been telling S to ask his dad for days now what time his appointment is. I can't communicate with H, not allowed. H kept telling S he would call dentist and find out? Each day I ask S to ask his dad what time. Tonight I hear through S that there is no appointment tomorrow, his appointment now is on 30th January, and another 3 weeks with no braces!

I suspect 'we' missed the appointment again. I will not take this on myself because for over a year I did take the appointments and then had to drive to the dentist once a month, 45 minutes away, on top of all the other driving I do for S, and not to mention I'm paying for the braces since H refused to. He could at least get him to the appointments.

Since September I have been asking H to help with S. The first task I sort of enforced has been to be the person who drives S to the dentist. It really has helped me. Of course it comes with immature behaviour like today, but I refuse to take the job back on. H can go back to the dentist with S on the 30th and get a mouth full from S's really mean lady dentist for wasting her time. She's mean to everyone, me included. It will do H good to be told off and I will not provide him with a soft landing on that one.

So I was really frustrated and wrote to H. A brief, calculated, business sounding email in which I said that I was just learning tonight that there was no appointment tomorrow and what happened? Then I said that he and I should be communicating about our S. That it's a legal requirement and should also be a pleasure. It would mean he'd be more involved in S's life. The I said that I hoped that his lack of communication with me regarding S was not enforced on him. That he's allowed to speak to and do whatever he wants. That I tell the kids that they can stand up for themselves and say no to anyone as long as they say it nicely. I then asked if he was going to be taking S to the appointment.

It was an excuse to make contact, which in my personal belief is needed. It was also an opportunity to stand up for myself and S. I should be able to communicate with my S's father. The dentist appointments being missed are not ok, and I wanted to say so instead of letting him get away with it. I would be mad if my D had made a mess of the dentist appointments, I should not make exceptions for H.

Regarding the Tuscany meet up, let's get onto it. There will be loads of houses for rent, air b&B is one option. Let's decide on the month. I'm very busy in May so not for me, what about April or June or September? July is no good for me. August is boiling here but we could rent a place with a pool. Any ideas? I will start a thread for it since there's interest.

Treasur, I knew I liked you! I looked up many Libra for 2019 sites but in Italian. I bet if you look up in English, it will say good things, too. I'll have a look for you.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #87 on: January 08, 2019, 11:07:02 AM »
Put my name down for a Tuscany meet up definitely....June or Sept is best for me x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #88 on: January 08, 2019, 11:09:11 AM »
Excellent, Treasur. I've just started the Tuscan meet up thread so go and post there your months. Really excited!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #89 on: January 09, 2019, 06:28:34 AM »
So I'm really wanting to make this year about my work and my S. I tell you, it's been hard forcing myself to my desk these days. I don't know if it's because I'm not used to getting up early again or whether it's due to the low mood I've been in, but in the mornings I'd really like to go back to bed again after I leave S to school.

I've had to force myself literally to stay up during the day. One day, I did go back to bed and slept until mid afternoon then felt even worse when I got up, no work, no achievement, guilt, day getting dark, so I know to avoid doing that. It really feels like forcing myself to diet or not drink, it's that hard.

Today S and I are going to go over his chemistry notes for an upcoming test. On the way back from picking him up at school, I stopped on the edge of the woods along the side of the road, and had S help me search for broken tree bits to put in my trunk for my fire. I have a little open fire but no wood. It's on my list of things to do, to see if I can order some, but in the mean time, the local wood is full of bits lying all over the place. S was not happy I can tell you, but tonight we'll have a lovely log fire. It's going to be -4 Celsius here tonight.

So last night I emailed H about S's dentist appointments and about us needing to communicate regarding S. No answer to me from H, but that was to be expected. However, last night long after S was asleep, and after I wrote the email, H texted S to tell him that he'd take him to his next dentist appointment. So I know he does read my emails and things get through.

I'm tempted to write to him again and remind him to communicate with me but that's like having someone poke you in the ribs until you react. I think one step at a time. I will enforce my need of H's help with S, and the dentist is the first step.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #90 on: January 09, 2019, 07:22:42 AM »
Oh Milly my H will do the same thing. Anytime there is an “uncomfortable” communication he will go dark on me but follow up with our S. Who is 12. So I don’t always get that relayed back to me. Ug!! But you are probably pretty correct in that rib poking thing. And you would know best. We are not their mothers. Though it does feel that way sometimes doesn’t it?

Focus on work and S—I like that. I’m going to do the same. Oh and definitely in for Tuscany. I’ll head over to your travel thread next!

Sounding strong and confident Milly!!

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #91 on: January 09, 2019, 11:35:47 AM »
Oh how I wish Tuscany was in the cards for me.  :(

I have long given up hoping my xH will pitch in for the kids needs. I just do it myself - less aggravation. I just take what xH offers - which is not much.  I admire your gumption to stick with it trying to get H help.   

Focus on work and kids.  That is my plan for 2019 too.  Dating is not even on my radar - I am happy with just being me and the kids for now.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #92 on: January 09, 2019, 05:31:00 PM »
I completely relate to avoiding emails and texting son instead. My h did that aswell. Now he just ignores all of us
H had a meeting with s15 and child mental health tom. I said had as when I had my appt today with s15 and advised them that I didn’t think dad would be attending as not heard from him, they said h had rearranged gir later in the month. Would be nice if h let me it S15 know! Fir my children it had come to the stagecehrrr access to the kids has been removed for my kids and my sanity. Xx

Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #93 on: January 10, 2019, 12:05:30 AM »
So they're all the same, we know that, but it still amazes me when I hear from you all that your Hs behave the same way with your kids and you.

I have tried doing everything myself so as not to have to deal with the baboon that my H is now, but I'm worn out and it's not fair. At first, I tried to insist that H do and pay his share, and it drove me mad. Then I made it so I could take care of everything, but it caught up with me: not time for me, S getting behind at school, me about to have a nervous breakdown. Then I decided he needed to be involved.  So even though it's frustrating and I definitely can't rely on H to help with S, when he does, it's still better for me.

H comes back tomorrow and that will cause the usual cycle. I especially hate having to go to my work where my old village is in case I bump into H and OW. Not fair that he brought her here.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #94 on: January 10, 2019, 12:17:57 AM »
So they're all the same, we know that, but it still amazes me when I hear from you all that your Hs behave the same way with your kids and you.

I have tried doing everything myself so as not to have to deal with the baboon that my H is now, but I'm worn out and it's not fair. At first, I tried to insist that H do and pay his share, and it drove me mad. Then I made it so I could take care of everything, but it caught up with me: not time for me, S getting behind at school, me about to have a nervous breakdown. Then I decided he needed to be involved.  So even though it's frustrating and I definitely can't rely on H to help with S, when he does, it's still better for me.



Mlcers are so incredibly self absorbed.  We must play by their rules...it's all about them apparently.  You are doing everything right, just remember that whatever you do...it will be wrong in the Mlcers eyes.  Continue being you, because your kids know that you are being an awesome parent!  Don't worry about him, ignore him and let him live in his fantasy world.   You can't control what he is doing.....but you can control what you are doing.  Continue being you!   Ignore his and OW's behaviour. 
« Last Edit: January 10, 2019, 01:36:41 AM by Brenross »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Nerissa

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #95 on: January 10, 2019, 02:08:59 AM »
It’s a kind of dilemma when you still have dependent children.  The contact keeps us hiked in and cycling.  It keeps the attachment alive.  I moved to my home country last year and the difference in my own mental health is significant.  I think it’s cruelly difficult when they are still in the same circles.

I don’t have any patience for the way they neglect their children.  For a long time I could nt work it out and believed they were  ill.  I don’t think they are a s confused as they suggest - I think their wired differently and relationships are not important in the same way as they are to us and I think they like to do what feels like most fun for them at the time without thinking of long term consequences.

My children are similar ages to yours Milly.  My bd was almost 4.5 years ago although he didn’t leave for another two years.  They have missed so much and  damaged their relationships with their children.  They’ll never be seen the same way again. After all,if you can’t trust your Dad, who can you trust?  Ultimately that is a high price to pay but they’ll only see that as they age, if then. 

Your children seem to cope very well. My older ones don’t talk to their father.  The youngest has a relationship and likes to see him but is hurt and confused.  I’ve relied on other people and families to help plug the gaps and it has helped.  We went away for Christmas.  It feels different.  It was fun.   Is that possible any time?

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #96 on: January 10, 2019, 10:33:09 AM »
Thank you, Bren. Nerissa, you know I did think after Christmas this year, that maybe going away would be an idea. I don't know where or if it's pheasable considering the expense, but I'm going to look into it. I feel that I've been trying to recreate our old Christmas and it didn't work.

Today I went back to bed after I came back from S's school. I'm annoyed at myself for giving in. Tomorrow I want to do better.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Loyal

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #97 on: January 10, 2019, 11:04:51 AM »

H comes back tomorrow and that will cause the usual cycle. I especially hate having to go to my work where my old village is in case I bump into H and OW. Not fair that he brought her here.

Milly, I know exactly how you feel as  My MLCer is living at OW`s place which is less than one minute`s walk from my flat and even though I`ve always gone out of my way to avoid walking past there, have had the bad luck of bumping straight into the two of them 4 or 5 times since he ghosted me and our doggie in April 2017.
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #98 on: January 10, 2019, 11:05:47 AM »
Don’t be annoyed with yourself Milly. This is exhausting. No need to GAL Every single day. The physical demands of being a working/single parent with no help are hard enough. The emotional stress is also extremely exhausting. You are allowed to rest. Hugs friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline serenity

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #99 on: January 10, 2019, 02:01:38 PM »
Things will get better Milly.

I’ve found over the years our Christmases have changed and evolved and each one has got better and better as the years have passed.

Nothing has stayed the same

This year as you may know, my H spent the whole of Xmas with us and also joined us for NY. He’s still saying what a lovely christmas it was. All I’ve responded with is that we always have lovely Christmases!

I’ve worked hard to make them bigger and better each year with activities, fun, laughter and lots of good food

Hugs

X

Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #100 on: January 10, 2019, 03:05:12 PM »
Milly, if you compare how Christmas was in previous years I’m sure you can see many positive developments in the last one.  Hang onto that.  If you follow the trajectory of the gradual improvement, there is no reason to doubt that next Christmas will be even better.  You will make it your own more and more as time goes on.  I’m sure about that.

That sleep you had?  If that’s not the most serene form of GAL, I don’t know what it is.  You gave yourself what you wanted and needed.   I hope you can snooze some more in the future!  Tired body is a vessel for negativity, I found. 

 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #101 on: January 10, 2019, 05:49:18 PM »
Milly, how long has it been since you've had a check up with the Dr?  Even low iron levels will cause extra fatigue.  Not that you don't have enough of a reason to be tired without a medical cause but just wondering if there might be a medical issue contributing to it. 

That sort of guilt is the worst.  It always sounds fine when someone else spends a day in bed but it doesn't feel quite as 'healthy' if I were to do it.  You obviously need the sleep though.

I really like how decisive you have become over the last year or so.  If you read your threads from a while back, I think you would pick it too.  I love how you've made decisions about being in contact with H when you feel you need to and I love how you have decided that you are not ready to date or 'move on'.  That email that you wrote to your H sounds really strong too.

Good for you Milly!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #102 on: January 10, 2019, 06:54:40 PM »
It is fine to sleep, Milly.

Like others said, this is exhauting.

We need to rest as much as possible. MLC is a marathon, both to LBS and MLCer.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #103 on: January 11, 2019, 12:59:44 AM »
Gosh, Loyal, what a nightmare being so close to your H and OW. It would make me be on constant alert. I feel that I'm already on constant alert as it is, and yet I do get a break now and again when H is out of the country. Mind you, even when he's away, if I see a car like his, I get all rigid and have to check the license plate because you know with MLCers, even though he says he's away, that doesn't necessarily mean it's so.

Kit, Serenity, and Acorn than you for your support and encouragement. I have had a very hard few months with my move and Christmas and I'm definitely exhausted.

Hope, I will definitely look into taking some iron supplements and thanks for pointing out that I've become more decisive. I guess it's true. My keeping in contact with my H is my decision as you say and it's against the general grain on HS, but I have a semi-vanisher and with those kinds I feel that they can just get lost.

I do wonder if with vanishers their guilt is worse than with clingers, or they're just more scared. Vanishing might feel like a relief since it is a form of escaping. I notice with clingers, they often still tell the LBS they love them, or hug and kiss them. Semi-vanishers would never do that.  They won't even email us.  Maybe I should say while the MLCer is in the vanishing phase, because vanishers were often boomerangs/clingers at some point. Something seems to push them into the vanishing stage. 

I do wonder if I helped push my H into the vanisher stage by rejecting his request to move back into the house. Quick reminder: 2 years ago, just before one of our separation hearings and a few months of what I consider a reconnection, H asked his L to postpone the separation and ask my L if he could move back into the house with me and the kids. He told her (L) that he was too scared to talk to me about anything but wine. After an hour's negotiation on speaker phone, me at my L's office, H at his L's office, I said no because he was refusing to pay maintenance. He said he wanted to come back but pay nothing. Actually, he wanted me to give him a job at the winery.

I think I might have been too harsh with my no. I could have bought time to talk to him. Say I needed a little time to think about it.  Say we should meet to talk about it and make him feel comfortable. In stead when he built up the courage to ask, albeit through a third party, I rejected him straight out. For someone with low self esteem, no courage, and a terrible fear of rejection that clearly didn't help. A couple of days later, he got on a plane to London to OW and they've been going strong ever since, stronger than ever, actually. After that he did everything she asked, including eating the way she insists, suing our D21, and no contact whatsoever with me.

I can see that I mishandled that situation. I do realize that my H was not fully cooked, but he had an opening in the fog, possibly after an awakening about OW because this reconnection happened after a massive fight between H and OW in public where she tried to strangle him, then he put his hands on her, too, then she called the cops and had him charged. I know this from the waiters at the restaurant where this happened.

This could have been a chance for H to come closer instead of fleeing. I could have talked gently and told him that he could come home but that my boundaries were.....

I'm glad I've learnt this lesson. I would do things differently now if I had the chance. I was not fully cooked myself at the time. I do worry that I will never get another chance. H, with his weak personality, seems more and more like he is in a cult.

I was listening to a radio show in the car, where people who have come out of cults describe how and why they got into one, and how the initial love bombing turns into demands to warrant that love again, only the demands become impossible to carry out. Another similar tactic as my H's OW, is that the cult alienates the victim from his family and friends. All the victim hears is what the cult is telling them.

So also as a means to break this isolation from us that the OW is enforcing on my H, I will contact him here and there. If I didn't, my H would completely disappear even from my S14.

I'm sure that this plan to go live abroad came from OW. My H might have convinced himself that OW's idea is the only choice he has, especially because that way he pleases her and she might be really nice to him again. If I don't communicate about S, H will do just that. I am going to remind H that he has a S and that S needs him.   

H is coming back tomorrow and had said he'd see S on Sunday. We shall see.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Still Half full

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #104 on: January 11, 2019, 11:15:35 AM »
Hey Milly, hope you’re feeling a bit less tired, but don’t beat yourself up for needing to rest, sometimes we feel like we have to be superwoman / superman, we’re just human and we have to listen to what your body and mind need, sometimes that’s just a bit more resting, and that’s fine 😊

I don’t think it’s good to look back and think should I ? What if ? You’ve always done the best you could with whatever you were dealt and you’ve no idea what would have happened if you’d ......  I think you’ve done great handling an incredibly difficult situation. You’ve run then sold a business and your home, you’ve found a beautiful new home, set up a new earning potential with the rental, kept a job at your old business ( and probably made yourself indispensable with the new owner 😊 ) while looking after your son and supporting all three of your children in various ways, I think that sounds remarkable ( and exhausting 😊)

When my MLCer wanted to come back I said I’d try, but didn’t let him come home and I’m glad I didn’t. He was still in the beginning of his MLC, couldn’t face what he’d done and just wanted me to pretend nothing had happened, while he did absolutely nothing. It was so disappointing.  He went back to ow ( the easy option but not necessarily who he really wanted ).  When I first joined here I asked if I’d made a mistake by not letting him have things the way he wanted. I was told that no matter what I did it wouldn’t have worked, MLC was still at the beginning of his journey, I imagine the same applies to you too ??? As you said you weren’t fully cooked either, letting him come home before it was the right time for either of you could have created more problems, but who knows. The fact is it wasn’t right for you then, you were protecting yourself and your children, but you know more now and are much stronger, so you can deal with anything that happens much better now 😊 and I’m sure you will

You’ve made the decision to keep in contact with him re your son, that shows strength. You’re still polite but expect him to step up as a parent, I think that’s a good thing. I work for my MLC and even though I don’t see him I have to have work contact, I email him ( with his business partners copied in around once a month ) I don’t know how he feels about it ( because he just sends short, polite replies ) but I feel like that’s enough contact for me. It’s hard to know what to do for the best with a low contact / vanishers, so we just have to do what we think is best after learning as much as we can from everyone here. If he changes and contacted me I would reply, but while he’s still hiding, this tentative thread feels enough for me, so I think you should trust yourself

I’m compassionate that my H is going through something, but he’s put me through such a tough time that I’m going to concentrate on what makes me feel better, I think that’s all we can do, get stronger in our selves and I’m sure we’ll deal with things to the best of our ability if things change

Don’t beat yourself up Milly, you’ve done, and are doing your best and I think you should feel pretty proud of yourself 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #105 on: January 11, 2019, 03:00:20 PM »
Milly, we can speculate endlessly.  I think about all the wrong words (spoken and written) to H, crying copiously, asking a million questions, etc.  He stayed.  Likewise, you could have said and did everything perfectly but you H would have eventually left even if you did let him come home.  He wanted to come home for his convenience and besides, he was hardly in the MLC oven yet. 

Don’t fret over things(past) you can’t change.  I know it’s easy to say...  It’s all very hard to be a LBS.  So many regrets, what if’s and general self blame.  They are not helpful to anyone or any situation but we keep doing it.  I hope you can work through this and let go of the things out of your control. 
((((((HUGS))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #106 on: January 11, 2019, 04:05:57 PM »


I was listening to a radio show in the car, where people who have come out of cults describe how and why they got into one, and how the initial love bombing turns into demands to warrant that love again, only the demands become impossible to carry out. Another similar tactic as my H's OW, is that the cult alienates the victim from his family and friends. All the victim hears is what the cult is telling them.



Milly I have never thought about the similarity of a cult before, but you are definitely correct.  The alienation of Family and Friends so they appear to be the Mlcers only lifeline.  You are onto something.

I think we all harbour guilt over past circumstances that happened.  Yes we could've or should've handled situations differently..based on our knowledge that we have today.  I believe things happen for a reason in our lives....even if we did what we think we should've would the current outcome be any different?  We really can't answer that due to many variables.   We can't change the past, but we surely can control where we are heading in the future....that is what we need to focus on.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #107 on: January 11, 2019, 05:17:56 PM »
I think I might have been too harsh with my no. I could have bought time to talk to him.

No, you weren't. Your husband was wanting back without paying maintenance and wanted back and pay nothing. How would things had worked out if had been allowed to return and pay nothing?

I don't know if vanishers have, or have not, more guilt than clingers. Or if a clinger in a vanishing phase has. What I know is that with a vanisher there is peace and with a clinger there is not.

Mr J would still be clinging if I had let him to. It was impossible to deal with him, his contact contact and drama. Be in in person or by e-mail/text.

In a direct, or inderect manner, including when I had already cut most contact with him, there were 8 years of his drama. Things become rather quiet Autumn 2014 and have remained so, aside from the odd -email, most of which have been OK. And the phone call last August that was pretty weird and still had drama.

Think the phone call made me lose the little openess I had gained towards Mr J since he start sending the odd e-mail early 2016. Who still wants to have to deal with monster nearly 12 years from BD, as it was the case in August? No one.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Loyal

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #108 on: January 12, 2019, 05:55:10 AM »

I do wonder if I helped push my H into the vanisher stage by rejecting his request to move back into the house.

Milly, please stop torturing yourself, you did the right thing by not letting him move back home at the time. IMHO that would have only postponed him leaving again as he definitely wasn`t anywhere near to even bein half cooked, just like my now V (prior to that, monstering CB), who disappeared in November 2016, turned up again four weeks later,  practically begged me to let him come home, which I did and less than 5 months later (April 2017) carried out his cowardly and cruel ghosting (vanishing) act.

I think I might have been too harsh with my no. I could have bought time to talk to him. Say I needed a little time to think about it.  Say we should meet to talk about it and make him feel comfortable
This could have been a chance for H to come closer instead of fleeing. I could have talked gently and told him that he could come home but that my boundaries were.....

I tried all of that but unfortunately ......

he had an opening in the fog, possibly after an awakening about OW

I think this can and does sometimes happen whilst they`re still deep in Replay,  in that something unpleasant occurs that forces them to wake up for a while. In my P`s case (November 2016) it was obviously him having fallen out not only with the men in his clique but also two of the females,  both of whom he told me he only had EA`s (????) with ::)

Head up Milly, as so many others here have already written, you`re doing great and should be very proud of everything that you`ve achieved for your children and yourself under such bizarre, tough circumstances. Hugs, Loyal



 
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #109 on: January 12, 2019, 06:20:16 AM »
Still, thank you for all your good words, for reminding me of what I have achieved, and for telling me that he and I were not ready when he wanted to come back to live in the house. That now I'm much stronger, if an occasion should arise. Must be very difficult having to work for your H.

Acorn and Bren, thanks for telling me not to fret about the what ifs that are in the past. I can't change it, but I can change my future. Good reminder! Also the cult thing, definitely many similarities. Probably the OW is not aware of how successful her manipulation technique really is. Of course, the cults do it on purpose, they have a plan they follow, a strategy they have studied. I hope that the OW, not knowing what she's doing, has weak spots in her strategy. Just had a thought, I wonder if cult leaders are versions of OP?

Anjae and Loyal, you make me see that even if I had done the opposite, there was no certainly that it would have brought my H ahead in his journey. Anjae, your H was still clinging and full of drama 8 years later. I can totally understand your need to cut him off. Loyal, I'm feeling much more appeased today, reading that you did give your H a chance, and he still left. So maybe if I had let my H back in, he would have left later, and become a semi-vanshier later.

This morning I woke up with that cold feeling again. The feeling that I'm getting older, that once my S leaves the home, what is left for me? It doesn't look like much fun from where I am today.

I think it was Hopeandfaith, who wrote on her thread that going NC with her H means being excluded from the fun stuff with inlaws, too. I realized today that another contribution to my lonely life now, is just this, the lack of extended family. When our Hs BD us, most of us lose our inlaws, too. That's a big chunk of people with ongoing lives, new marriages, new kids on the way, holiday get togethers, emails, cards, visits, all swiped away at BD. So for those of us with no other family, it's quite devastating.

It took several years to build up the people that fill the space around us. And these people, keep our lives colourful. Since BD, often those of us with kids, find that in no time (3-5 years) our kids have left the home and are moving on.

We also lost half the friends we had at BD simply because half side with the MLCer, and some we realize were never really friends in the first place. The devastation just keeps appearing to me. I will never be able to replace the people who counted my in laws and my nieces and nephews who are now getting married and some having babies. I am not invited to the weddings, sent the notice of birth, not invited to the baptisms. 

I like my new friends, but they're all couples and I don't get as much pleasure being with them and being on my own. They don't make me feel odd at all, it's me. Things couples do together seem to work for couples. For single people, they're a little boring. I'm too old, as in don't have the energy, to do things younger single people do. This MLC BD is a real bummer all around.

Ok, pity party out of the way and thank you for letting me air my victimhood without having to feel bad about it. Thank goodness for this place. I would be have gone out of my mind without it.

No real, exciting plans for this weekend. Taking S to a tennis lesson later, tomorrow nothing, but yesterday, I bought myself a few gardening tools just so I can go putter about in my little garden. Nothing much, a hoe, a nice coiled watering hose, a few packets of seeds: arugola, misticanza (mixed lettuces), and a sage plant (already have a rosemary and thyme plant) and want to start my little herb patch outside my kitchen door.

Have a nice weekend everyone.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #110 on: January 12, 2019, 06:29:25 AM »
Quote
This morning I woke up with that cold feeling again. The feeling that I'm getting older, that once my S leaves the home, what is left for me? It doesn't look like much fun from where I am today.

Totally normal and part of the cr**py bit of this MLC stuff. 

You have create a new life, a new future but because of MLC you have to create with fewer than half the people you knew or trusted.  Tough challenge.

Also totally get that new friends are couples and there is this sense of "isolation" because you're not part of a pair. 

However you have made huge strides Milly - you are able to see your current feelings for what they are - a blip on the horizon of your future.  No-one ever said that this would be smooth and, to be honest I think that if things are smooth, then there is something inauthentic about it all.   
One of the things we learn as LBSers is never to predict what is going to happen - to go with the flow and to learn how to be. No more comfort zone and no more predicatability - makes life quite exciting but it takes an awfully long time for us to learn how exciting this can be.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #111 on: January 12, 2019, 06:38:24 AM »
I agree with everything Song says about the progress you have made.
And with what others say about regret. You did your best with what you knew then and how things were. As others say, the chances are that you would have just got an uncooked destructive h back for a while and I suspect you can think of ways in which that would have been worse for you and your kids and finances. If you doubt it, think about how cooked or not he seems now when there are plenty of consequences to be seen from what he has done....

I would really recommend a book called 'Second Firsts', Milly. It's about rebuilding a new life after someone dies but tbh, the practical steps are much the same. How you feel is absolutely part of the process...she calls it coming out of the Waiting Room...when you realise your old life has gone and you want a new life but you're not quite sure what it looks like or how to get it.

She has the idea about spending 5% of your energy on what she calls 'plug ins', like experiments where you take small steps towards something you think you might like as the new you. But bc they are experiments, it doesn't matter if they don't always work, you just try something else and see.

If your h had died, Milly, what kind of Milly life would you like which isn't about being a wife or mother even? What makes you smile and dance and feel good about your marvellous Millyness?
« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 06:41:40 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #112 on: January 12, 2019, 10:23:16 AM »
Milly, I agree that if your h had returned under cooked, the result may have been the same or created even more problems but who knows? Tbh I don’t think even the mlcer knows. I let my husband return and quite a few of those 10 returns were actually without my say so as I would return from work or trick or treating once to find him at home. H still left for ow as she is a co worker and now vanisher with the odd monster pop up from monstering cb. What ifs are irrelevant now. I used to say.  I should of left him to it early, I shouldn’t of chased or I shouldn’t of questioned but I did until I found hs. What ifs drove me crazy. I can’t undo how I reacted so no point dwelling on it.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong what we do as we try to save our family and marriage on how we knew our husbands not based on the new version. I believe what we do or did or didn’t do is before we gather our strength to deal with this version of our husbands. . It shouldn’t be our what’s ifs but our husbands what ifs. We did nothing other than stand and find strength we never imagined we had in the face of devastation.

You have achieved so much and you have given your h every opportunity and compassion any lbs gives their mlcer. What ifs serve no purpose other than to harm our health and forward movement. I really must take note of my own writing! 😂

You are brilliant and strong and a fantastic mother, don’t let what ifs slow your growth. Hugs. Xx
« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 10:25:56 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #113 on: January 12, 2019, 12:32:36 PM »
I cut Mr J off before 8 years, Milly. I did it Summer 2011, a couple of months short of 5 years since he left. But he kept finding ways of bring drama in. Court cases, not giving back my stuff, you name it. The cutting process was gradual, until I barely contact(ed), if at all. Not much changed, aside not having to deal with drama and monster.

Like others said, what you felt is normal.

Treasur suggestion of allocating some time/energy to new things is a good one. Like she said, if you then don't like them, or they don't work out, no problem.

Agree with the others, you're very strong and a wonderful mum.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #114 on: January 12, 2019, 09:58:44 PM »
I rejected him straight out. For someone with low self esteem, no courage, and a terrible fear of rejection that clearly didn't help. A couple of days later, he got on a plane to London to OW and they've been going strong ever since, stronger than ever, actually. After that he did everything she asked, including eating the way she insists, suing our D21, and no contact whatsoever with me.

I can see that I mishandled that situation. I do realize that my H was not fully cooked, but he had an opening in the fog, possibly after an awakening about OW because this reconnection happened after a massive fight between H and OW in public where she tried to strangle him, then he put his hands on her, too, then she called the cops and had him charged. I know this from the waiters at the restaurant where this happened.

My H runs to ow when I reject him too. That in itself is probably proof that it was a good decision to say no because it shows that if it can't be you then anyone will do.  Quite possibly, he didn't have an awakening about ow - he just got scared that she was rejecting him too.  When you also rejected him, he decided to throw his efforts into securing ow because, lets face it, there is less to lose if he fails.

Someone who is further along and still just as frightened of rejection might slink away but stay on their own.  As the others have said, there is a high chance it wouldn't have worked because neither of you were ready.  IMO, he would have slowed down your progress and you may not be in the place now where you recognise the importance of being that quiet voice of reason in the background that dilutes the poison that ow spreads.  You are a window to the real world from inside the confines of the cult wall and that is a powerful thing.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #115 on: January 14, 2019, 09:14:29 PM »
You handled things perfectly Milly, please don't have any regrets.  Your H is a broken man who is controlled by the ow.  The outcome would not have been different.  He may have come home for a while and not been able to silence the voices in his head and would have left for the current ow or found a new one.

You have done amazing things since he left and you should be so proud of yourself, you are so much better than him.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline serenity

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #116 on: January 15, 2019, 03:35:38 AM »
Hi Milly

Don’t feel bad over how you’ve handled things. Believe me, I’ve done all sorts of things and then regretted it and thought I’d pushed him away and maybe I did BUT whilst they’re like this there’s no reaching them!

I couldn’t have been kinder to my H over his latest, prolonged T & G and you know how that’s ended up. Nothing we do or say changes the outcome

Hugs

X

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #117 on: January 15, 2019, 06:16:48 AM »
Lemme see if I have this right....

H wanted to come back, to live at home, to not make any sort of financial contribution, wanted YOU to give HIM a job in YOUR winery, right? You said "Nope, not gonna do it." right?  And that is YOUR fault?



Uh... NOPE!  We ARE talking about the same person who is suing his own D for telling him that he is a cock-up to his face because OW wants him to sue her, right?He was not only uncooked, I doubt if he'd even been filleted at that point... That's like the cow being walked THROUGH the kitchen next to the stove....

As for rebuilding your circle of friends, you'd be amazed at what can happen in a VERY short period of time... I was in Val di Fassa (Canazei) last week skiing with a group of people from the next village over. They have known each other since God was a baby and made dirt, some going back to grade school. This group took my kids and I in like we were all old friends so it CAN happen that your circle can suddenly reappear in a totally different constellation than it was previously.... and all this was because a colleague and her H were NOT able to go on the trip as planned (they were taking possession of their new house) and she offered their places to me...

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #118 on: January 15, 2019, 11:07:11 AM »
Thank you all for giving me encouragement and for sharing your own experiences with your Hs. Some of you did exactly what I regret not doing and your outcome was the same as mine. This has helped me rebalance myself. Sometimes, it just really gets to me and then I start obsessing. Sorry if I don't reply to you all right away but I need time to digest when I get such considerate posts. I read and re-read them.

UM, there you are. I wondered where you'd been. Up the mountains then. Thanks for pointing out in big capitals how my H is behaving just so I remember. Good you did that. It helps me a lot. By the way, did you see our Tuscany trip discussion?

So, I guess I just had a bad cycle. We all know what they're like. I was feeling like there's no point, my H will never come out of his crisis, he really did never love me and shouldn't have married me, he really is in love with the OW, she might be better than me at being in a relationship with him.

So between reading all your posts, and using a mental technique whereby whenever thoughts of my H or OW came in my head, I envisioned a large, red stop button, I have been feeling a bit better. The stop button is the kind that would stop a train for example. It worked pretty well. I remember Stayed used to talk about wearing an elastic around her wrist and would pull it when she obsessed. I never quite understood before why she would need to do that. Now I do.

I have a also been re-reading HB's articles. Where has she gone, does any know? Her website doesn't seem to get updated.

I think I'm reaching a new stage in my journey where I'm more realistic about the possibility of my H not coming back. I'm heading to 5 years since BD and my H is still in replay. There's a good chance he'll be in it for ever. I can't waste my time hanging on. That doesn't mean I'm ending my stand, but it does take away some expectations. Maybe that's what's made me feel down.

H arrived on Sunday evening at 6pm to pick up S. He stayed in the car. H hasn't seen S14 the whole of the Christmas holidays. He got back from London on Saturday. I guess he wasn't rushing to see S.

They went to a movie. S suggested it. I guess I put the idea in S's head. I told him that he had to find something to do with his dad and not just go together to the mall, eat a McDonalds, and buy a sweatshirt every time.

S suggested bowling or a movie. So they were gone quite a few hours. S was happy when he came back in. H had bought a bunch of chocolate from the Uk for him. He hasn't done that in ages, maybe a couple of years. H included a chocolate that he knows is my favourite, but it's also one of H's favourites, so it might have just been familiar to him.

H has his batmobile back from the mechanics. Before Christmas he'd been renting an offroad kind of car. He rented it for weeks, so I was beginning to think that the batmobile was kaput and he was looking for a new car. The off road style car is much more suitable to where he lives up on a hill where it can snow in winter. OW doesn't like that kind of car. She likes sporty, or trendy looking cars. I thought maybe H was making progress. But the batmobile has been fixed, and back into it he squishes himself. H is 6 foot 6.

H has been calling S these two days since Sunday. This is new. Usually he texts but if he's just seen S, he won't text again for over a week. H asked S if they can see each other again this week. They have planned to go out for dinner on Friday night. H will pick S up at his tennis, which will save me a journey.

On the phone, H has been asking S about his day, his tennis, how his bad school subjects are going. There is a little more interest from H than usual. Usually, there's no interest, not for school, and never for tennis.

Because I'm suspicious when H behaves a little better, I'm wondering if this contact has anything to do with H planning on doing a runner very soon. He had said to S before CHristmas that he was thinking of moving abroad permanently. So we shall see.

Sometimes H likes to reserve dinner dates to give bad news. In fact, he usually gives his bad news at dinner. Right now S is excited to see his dad this Friday. I hope I'm wrong about my spidey senses.

I have been working quite a bit and that gives me some satisfaction. I planted my herb garden on Sunday. I have lots of light blue pansies to plant in some cut off barrels I have from my old winery, but I need to gather bags of regular soil from my old place to fill the barrels. It would cost too much to fill them with bought soil.

I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night. Usually I fall asleep and am in a coma the minute I hit the pillow. Last night was a disaster, as if I'd been drinking coffee all night. When I feel asleep, I had a dream that my H was shouting at me to cut my hair. I said I love my long hair. He said it was so boring looking. My dream felt so real that I woke up feeling that all this time since BD that I had been feeling good about the way I'd been taking care of myself was just an illusion in my mind. That to others I'm really old and boring looking. I had a hair appointment today so the thought did disturb me. I don't want to cut my hair, so I didn't.

S has been doing better at school. Even in his 2 bad subjects, Italian and maths, he's been told that he's improving. S is also becoming more considerate. This is something I've been talking to him about for about a year. He's finally starting to do things for me without being asked. He's sitting down to do his homework without moaning. He's going to bed on time. He is doing much better in general and his mood has improved, too. I'm glad I wrote this out because it makes me realize that he must be feeling better about himself.

Sorry for the long post, but thanks for letting me indulge. It helps.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #119 on: January 15, 2019, 01:09:26 PM »
Glad to hear you rebalanced yourself, Milly.
Sounds like - at least for now - your h is engaging with your boy a little more. And your boy is doing better at school and at home. And your blue pansies sound lovely.
3 good things right there  :)
I hope your spidey sense is wrong too, but you know what? You've all survived much,much worse. If your h keeps throwing cheap spaghetti at the wall of his life to keep hunting for a magic 'fix', it only means that obviously every single thing he has done so far - including a truly awful ow - hasn't worked has it? Meanwhile, you will continue to bring Milly magnificence to your own life and those around you, while swishing your lovely long hair. It is absolutely your h's loss and he is, as we all know, a self destructive unhappy fool.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline serenity

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #120 on: January 15, 2019, 01:45:33 PM »
Well said Treasur,

Milly you are doing just fine. You’re bound to have wobbles. None of this is easy and there’s no manual to navigate us through it!

As you know I still have wobbles even now! 😁

You’ll be just fine

X


Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #121 on: January 15, 2019, 01:56:25 PM »
Treasur and Serenity you are both so sweet. Serenity, I hope you come out of your justifiably bad cycle quickly. And Treasur, love the 3 good reasons and swishing hair. You really have a way with words. Kind of reminded me of Noddy who would say if there's one thing he loved, it was a boiled egg. If there were two things he liked, it was two boiled eggs. He would say the simplest sentences and they sounded great. And I forgot to say, I ordered the book you recommended the other day.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Nas

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #122 on: January 15, 2019, 02:00:24 PM »
Sorry, this is like a throwaway comment, but how weird is it that as I'm reading your post, I'm eating two hard boiled eggs? (I just started a ketogenic diet)  :) :) :)
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #123 on: January 15, 2019, 02:12:51 PM »
Oh, Nas, too funny! Nice to have a laugh now and again!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline serenity

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #124 on: January 15, 2019, 02:16:11 PM »
I don’t like boiled eggs much but now I think I want one with hot buttery bread soldiers! He he

X

Offline Nas

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #125 on: January 15, 2019, 02:27:10 PM »
Serenity, how cruel of you to mention delicious bread when I am not eating carbs!  ;) ;) ;)
Just kidding, it sounds amazing and I miss toast so much.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #126 on: January 15, 2019, 02:29:14 PM »
Nas, can you stick a rice cake in your boiled egg?!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Nas

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #127 on: January 15, 2019, 02:34:48 PM »
Nope.  :( Ketogenic = no fun. Less than 20 grams of carbs a day.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #128 on: January 15, 2019, 02:42:14 PM »
Wow. Good for you.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline serenity

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #129 on: January 15, 2019, 03:10:32 PM »
Sorry Nas,

I just like naughty foods though! Sorry you’re on that diet. I’ve not heard of it before! Is it to help your recovery?

Hugs

X

Offline Nas

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #130 on: January 15, 2019, 03:24:59 PM »
It’s supposed to be good for cancer, but mostly I just want to lose the weight I gained during chemo. Less than 20 grams of carbs a day will put the body in ketosis. When your body goes into ketosis, it doesn’t have glucose/sugar to burn so it starts burning fat.
*I feel the need to note that anyone thinking of this kind of diet should check with their doctor first. My oncologist loves it and feels it’s safe but as with any diet, the effect it has on people can be dramatically different.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline forthetrees

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #131 on: January 15, 2019, 04:51:51 PM »
Do tell, what are bread soldiers?

Milly,
Even if your spidey senses are on target, if H moves abroad it´ll just be another step in running away from his life. They seem to forget that they take themselves with. It would not take long for him to realize that he brought all of the "demons" that he´s been trying to escape. Maybe, just maybe, then he would face himself. His broaching a move to S come across as desperate and goes with the spaghetti on the wall comment.

I found that it took a long time for the cycling to stop but take heart in knowing that eventually it will.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #132 on: January 16, 2019, 12:43:41 AM »
Forthetrees, thank you so much for your words of confidence and a bit of hope. Bread soldiers are toast cut into neat, narrow strips.

Nas, thanks for explaining it. I might look into it for a short time, just to get rid of the unwanted weight. Good luck with it.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #133 on: January 16, 2019, 11:39:43 AM »
I agree. He’s definitely running hard. Takes some a while to realize they cannot outrun themselves. I am hoping he doesn’t upset S in the process. But thankfully S has you to comfort him, and knows Dad isn’t one to be counted on. That unfortunately is the side effect of MLC kids.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #134 on: January 16, 2019, 11:49:03 AM »
Yes definitely running and still in denial....though I do believe that he too had a wobble when he visited your new home.

I often wonder how long can they run for...I guess some are like Forrest Gump and continue running...but surely they have to hit a brick wall at some point.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #135 on: January 17, 2019, 01:49:35 AM »
I often wonder how long can they run for...I guess some are like Forrest Gump and continue running...but surely they have to hit a brick wall at some point.

Yep... Unfortunately for some like my FIL(RIP) it is when they end up here:


Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #136 on: January 17, 2019, 04:28:35 AM »
Ouch UM....sadly you may well be correct
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #137 on: January 17, 2019, 04:35:02 AM »
Ouch UM....sadly you may well be correct

Seriously... I witnessed it....

FIL was in a semi-comatose state in the end phase of congestive heart failure after the doctors pulled his meds (he was getting 8x the normal amount given to people in a one-off shot to get their heart restarted after Cardiac Arrest constantly in an IV drip).

All his kids were there at his bedside and, with the help of a counsellor, they each said their farewells, including telling him how they felt about him and what affects his actions had on their lives. He was unable to respond but he was perfectly able to hear and to process.... He had tears rolling down his face and you could see that he desperately wanted to respond, whether to acknowledge what they said or to shift blame I have no idea because he was incapable but he DID hear it and he was basically forced to hear it without being able to run away. 75 minutes later, he was gone....

If that is not being body-slammed into rock-bottom, I don't know what is..... It was also the trigger for STBXW to begin her MLC...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #138 on: January 19, 2019, 06:36:18 AM »
Ouch, UM, but I'm aware that you might be right.

Thanks Kit and Bren for saying my H is still running. So easy to see with each other's H, but hard to see when it's our own.

My L phoned me a couple of days ago because she has to write the final response to end our separation hearing so we can proceed to the divorce stage. She said she had heard from H's L regarding my offer to take less maintenance. She told me that H is in London. I said he'd just got back. H's L says he's embarrassed to show my L H's reply. He says it was crazy. Basically, H is refusing to accept my offer and even more, accusing me of having money since I bought the little place in my old village, etc.

I was a little stung when I heard that H's reaction was so intensely negative, but it only lasted a second. Now it's out of my hands. I tried to open up a negotiation to help him but as we are told, it's pointless having a reasonable conversation with a MLCer. Now it's up to the judge and he will probably rule in my favour.

After I hung up with my L, I had a lightbulb moment. H wrote his response to his L while he was in London. All nasty communication from H comes when he is with OW. So all H's worst monster moments against me are influenced by OW and not necessarily how he feels. This made me realize that while H is still involved with OW, nothing positive can happen. I can not influence the R between H and OW. H has to sort this out himself. I remember reading on HS or HB that if the MLCer is in replay, he's with OW, if he's with OW, he's in replay, and while he's in replay, nothing good can happen.

So, S14 went to dinner with his dad. H picked him up at his tennis school at 6.30. He actually asked if he could come early and watch him play. It's been about 3 years since he has been interested in watching S play. So this is some movement I'm going to say.

H did not mention moving away to live. I'm relieved. They were out together until about 9.30. They went to the center of Florence for a pizza. They walked around together. H asked S about D21 again. He wanted to know when she was graduating and more information on her new boyfriend. H also asked about our pets, cat and dog. He asked if our dog slept with us. Our dog has always slept with us, but maybe he's forgotten or maybe he thinks I changed. S said that yes, doggie sleeps with us. H asked about our cat and where she sleeps. I have a gorgeous, but very cold Persian cat. I used to call her Miss Peabottom because she would pee on my couches in front of me. She hasn't done that since we moved into this new place. I do feel she likes it here. Anyway, S told H that the cat sleeps on the top step of the stair case to our bedrooms but that she mews really loudly in the mornings. H asked if that bothered S. S said no but it bothers Mummy. H laughed.

They don't have any plans for now to see each other again.

Going to take S to his tennis lesson soon. No plans for tomorrow.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #139 on: January 19, 2019, 06:50:57 AM »
Well, by George, Milly I think you are seeing the wood for the crazy trees now  ;)
Yup, when your own L thinks your response is crazy...that's a bit of a big clue  ::)
And well done on shrugging your shoulders and accepting the ow=Replay=nothing to work with, so let the judge do his thing.

Is your son pleased to have had that time with his father? Who, incidentally, does seem to be asking a lot of detailed questions about the family life he ran away from.....very script of course
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anon

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #140 on: January 19, 2019, 06:52:35 AM »
Quote
Ketogenic = no fun. Less than 20 grams of carbs a day.

Nas, here’s another “no fun” diet but is more simple than the ketogenic diet.   It’s called the “If it tastes good, spit it out” diet.    :P



Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #141 on: January 19, 2019, 06:53:43 AM »
It’s very foggy indeed, where your H resides.  You are right, leave it to the judge.  It’s better not to give any more thought to it than shrug your shoulders and march on, just as you have done.  I dare say you are seriously detaching, Milly.   
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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