Author Topic: My Story 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.  (Read 2972 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2018, 02:50:36 AM »
Have a lovely time, Milly  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2018, 05:44:16 AM »
Bon voyage! And safe travels....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Ropeburn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2018, 07:12:44 PM »
Enjoy thy self ...I know i would

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2018, 05:55:08 AM »
Thank you Treasur, Um, and Rope for your wishes. I did have a lovely long weekend in the UK with D21 and S14. I was worried it would tire me out, but it was much easier than my normal life, plus eating out is such a treat: no shopping, no cooking, no cleaning!

We wondered around the little shops. I picked up Christmas decorations and silly things, bought D21 a dress to wear on Christmas day, and let S14 have a little pocket money to go buy himself a sweat shirt. It was more a chance to be alone and girlie with my D. Both kids were really happy. The weather was miserable and coldish but just being in a different place was fun. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

We got back early yesterday, Sunday, so S14 was able to finish his homework and I unpacked both my suitcase and some boxes from the move. I also planted two Christmas trees in terra cotta pots outside the French doors of my sitting room. I have lights for them but need to buy batteries. T

his was a job I had been putting off. The pots held my Ficas (palms) which rotted at my friend's house last winter. Gardeners will understand what it means to move a rotting Fica. They weighed like a dead body, too. 

The weather here is just stunning today. I'm in awe, once again, of the beautiful views from my little hayloft. I'm sitting on the couch in my sitting room and can see past the two Christmas trees to the hills beyond.

Nothing new from H. He asked S when he was leaving then never messaged him again. I have been a little on edge since hearing from my S that H might be on the move. It reminds me of how I felt that first year after BD when H said he was moving to the US for good. He was back two months later though. From emails from OW that I only discovered recently, it seems that H and OW split up while they were away and H was considering coming back home. I guess, it's just as well he didn't try since he's clearly not cooked yet.

Anyway, the thought that H could up and move all his stuff to another country is another final feeling for me. Everything, including my head, is telling me that my H is never coming out of the tunnel and I need to move on. Shame my heart doesn't agree.

I spoke to D24 on the phone last night. She told me that her abandonment fears were triggered recently when her ex boyfriend and H contacted her. Her ex-boyfriend was really bad news so I told her not to get sucked back in by him. Then I said: But Daddy is fine, isn't he? She said, yes, he's fine but that he probably doesn't want me to know so she is not going to tell me why, just like when we had issues in the past she knew I didn't want him to know.

Kind of a cryptic message. I didn't push for information, just said I understood and that was fine. In the past, I would have pressed more, now I know it doesn't work. I suspect that when she comes she will need to vent and will tell me. If she doesn't, I won't ask, however it has left me wondering what's happening with H. I feel like a big something is about to happen.

I am a little apprehensive about her coming because she stays with H and OW and then I get to hear things I don't like. If I tell her to not tell me anything about them, I might not get to hear something I might like to hear. I also don't want her to think I'm sitting waiting for her dad because I know she tells him about me, and the clinging image is not attractive, it's suffocating. In fact, I've been thinking of telling her I'm seeing someone.

While I was away, I got an email from my L. Don't you hate that? She told me that a few days ago there was a hearing for the separation where each side puts their case for conclusion of the separation phase. This means that the separation phase is coming to a close and then the divorce phase begins. I knew it was coming. The judge said in May that he wanted the separation concluded. It makes sense since the longer this goes on, the more money I waste, but it does feel like the end.

My L also said she has to see me before Christmas to talk about something H's new L said at the hearing. When she says 'new' I presume she's talking about the one I already saw, which would be his third. I wonder what this 'something' is.

I hate it, there's always something stressful. Now I'm thinking that he's going to quit his job and move abroad. This way he might think he'll get away from paying maintenance since we won't know what he's up to. I certainly wouldn't waste the money searching him down. What a drag. I will be divorced in the year 2019. I guess the only up side is that I won't be receiving any more emails from my L.

So my mood is not great these days. I feel that I should be more detached by now, but find I'm still holding on to hope over my H. I know I should find happiness within and I have, to a certain extent. I like the life I have now, I just wish I could share it with my H. 

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Thunder

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2018, 06:22:01 AM »
I'm sorry Milly, none of this is easy, or makes any sense.

We know in our head this isn't right but all we can do is go through with their goofed up decision.

You view sounds awesome!! I'm glad you're happy there, Milly.   Your place sounds absolutely beautiful.  :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #15 on: December 10, 2018, 06:32:53 AM »
Ah, dear girl.
The one thing we learn is to trust those little bits of instinct, the little bit of intuition.
But
Just bc we trust doesn't mean we have to DO anything.
And letting it be usually naturally separates out the monkey brain voice from the wise gut voice imho.

I'm glad your trip was good. I'm glad the view from your new home is beautiful. I'm glad that you will be seeing all of your children at Christmas.

And the other stuff? If your gut is right that there is some change in the wind coming? (And there is some evidence from what you've heard that you may be right)
It doesn't mean it is bad, although post-trauma we get used to thinking so.
And if it involves your h in some way, you know he ain't cooked anyhow.
You can also says yes, no, not now or need to think about it no matter what happens.

Respecting and rebuilding your relationship with your oldest daughter is more important than any 'new' info you might hear about h/ow. You were right not to press her. You are right to trust that she will tell you if she really needs to about anything that affects her. You are right to keep some of your life unspoken about, although I wouldn't lie either about new Rs or anything else. You are right to say you have no interest in h's life unless it affects your kids, your safety or the legal process if that's how you feel and to respond with no more than a version of Cool/Bummer/Wow if your kids insist on giving you a window into your h's life.

You know enough, Milly...don't climb back on the rollercoaster....trust that if there is something important you need to know, the universe, your L or one of your kids will let it slip. And trust too that you will deal with it whatever happens bc you are past the worst of things and have already dealt with tons of stuff you thought you never could. You are NOT the same Milly as when all this started.

I suspect the combo of your h's conversation with your son, the old police chief convo, moving home, your D's slight hint that something is going on with your h that she's not ready to talk about yet and the legal process....all of it is making you feel a bit nervous that any light at the end of the tunnel is another train! It may be...but it doesn't have to be one for you...and chewing on it now won't make it any clearer  :) right now, nothing substantive had changed and you and your kids are just fine. Your h? Hmmm, maybe not but that's still not your circus at the moment. Half baked is still not cooked lol.

Enjoy your sparkly tress. Enjoy the view from your windows. Enjoy your prep for Christmas with your kids. Enjoy the anticipation of your new kitchen. ( on a side note, I hate to think how grimly unappetising ow's obsession with calories could make any Christmas feast lol). Enjoy everything you have worked so hard to create in 2018 bc you have come such a long way, Milly. I'm a bit behind you but increasingly hopeful that my 2019 will be like your 2018!
« Last Edit: December 10, 2018, 06:37:41 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #16 on: December 10, 2018, 01:49:35 PM »
Glad to know you had a good time abroad.

Milly, don't tell your daughter you are seeing someone if you are not. Better say nothing than lie.

Who knows what the lawer wants. It is always stressful and, at times, it never seems to end.

Enjoy your lovely home.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #17 on: December 10, 2018, 03:06:45 PM »
Milly I feel your pain. Anytime I hear a new tidbit about H and OW, I just obsess over it. It is always so upsetting every time. But, do be gentle with yourself. It is the holidays and so emotions are at an all time high right now for so many of us.

The stuff with your D is also so hard. You want to be there. You want to rebuild that R. But you don't want to hear stuff about H. I get it. That is definitely a difficult balancing act. You have the right idea in pulling back. 24 is still so very young and she is likely having a really tough time with all of this too. I think mainly, she doesn't want to hurt you. I agree with Angae, don't tell her you are seeing someone. I am always tempted too. But those little white lies have a tendency of backfiring.

Your trip sounds wonderful. For everyone. And now you have the holidays to look forward to with all 3 of your children. I know it is still hard b/c we miss our Hs (in their previous forms), but as you said to me, we have only a finite number of Christmases with our littles. I know you will enjoy your time with them. You are such a kind and caring soul. Hugs friend.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Rippedapart

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #18 on: December 10, 2018, 03:25:13 PM »
Hi Milly,

Welcome back from your trip, glad you all enjoyed yourselves and you even managed to do some
Christmas shopping. 

I am sure your H words about moving is worrying you, but as others have said he is still running, still looking for happy ever after land .  I wonder what or who might have prompted that discussion about moving.  Might have been prompted after the drama that took place during their altercation.

If ow knows your H has been to your house she may be feeling insecure...  I wonder does she have access to his bank and credit card details, if so she will soon see that he paid for suitcases for you for your trip.  Oh to be a fly on the wall if she finds out  ;D

You are and do not portray the image of a clinging woman Milly, you have been getting on with your life as best you can,  it's not as easy to GAL  as mentioned here sometimes because of children, work, responsibilities etc., and generally now doing the work of two parents , it's tough, it frustrating, it's tiring and it's lonely and to top it all Christmas is approaching and we all have to put on our happy masks , when in fact it's the last thing we feel.

Your hay loft sounds lovely Milly, you are blessed with 3 great kids, a job, a new home and a great view, you can deal with whatever comes your way,   No matter what you will be ok, can't say the same for your H, but thats for him to sort.









Offline Ropeburn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2018, 08:30:52 PM »
Milly
  Glad you had a god time on your trip.

 I never had to hear anything about OW I was oblivious.  I believed his lies when he said he wasn't seeing anyone :-\ . He told me this like 2 weeks before he married her ,can't make this shyt up

  As for him leaving trying to get out of maintenance, mine said that too. By this time I was feeling better about myself so I told him to go ahead he would have to use his SS # sometime he would be found .
  He didn't like that at all so he said he would move to Alaska and live off the land  ::)

   So don't worry as much as possible, enjoy the kids ,your trees and that wonderful pink fridge lol

 

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