Author Topic: My Story 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.  (Read 2978 times)

Offline Acorn

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My Story Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #100 on: January 10, 2019, 03:05:12 PM »
Milly, if you compare how Christmas was in previous years I’m sure you can see many positive developments in the last one.  Hang onto that.  If you follow the trajectory of the gradual improvement, there is no reason to doubt that next Christmas will be even better.  You will make it your own more and more as time goes on.  I’m sure about that.

That sleep you had?  If that’s not the most serene form of GAL, I don’t know what it is.  You gave yourself what you wanted and needed.   I hope you can snooze some more in the future!  Tired body is a vessel for negativity, I found. 

 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #101 on: January 10, 2019, 05:49:18 PM »
Milly, how long has it been since you've had a check up with the Dr?  Even low iron levels will cause extra fatigue.  Not that you don't have enough of a reason to be tired without a medical cause but just wondering if there might be a medical issue contributing to it. 

That sort of guilt is the worst.  It always sounds fine when someone else spends a day in bed but it doesn't feel quite as 'healthy' if I were to do it.  You obviously need the sleep though.

I really like how decisive you have become over the last year or so.  If you read your threads from a while back, I think you would pick it too.  I love how you've made decisions about being in contact with H when you feel you need to and I love how you have decided that you are not ready to date or 'move on'.  That email that you wrote to your H sounds really strong too.

Good for you Milly!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #102 on: January 10, 2019, 06:54:40 PM »
It is fine to sleep, Milly.

Like others said, this is exhauting.

We need to rest as much as possible. MLC is a marathon, both to LBS and MLCer.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #103 on: January 11, 2019, 12:59:44 AM »
Gosh, Loyal, what a nightmare being so close to your H and OW. It would make me be on constant alert. I feel that I'm already on constant alert as it is, and yet I do get a break now and again when H is out of the country. Mind you, even when he's away, if I see a car like his, I get all rigid and have to check the license plate because you know with MLCers, even though he says he's away, that doesn't necessarily mean it's so.

Kit, Serenity, and Acorn than you for your support and encouragement. I have had a very hard few months with my move and Christmas and I'm definitely exhausted.

Hope, I will definitely look into taking some iron supplements and thanks for pointing out that I've become more decisive. I guess it's true. My keeping in contact with my H is my decision as you say and it's against the general grain on HS, but I have a semi-vanisher and with those kinds I feel that they can just get lost.

I do wonder if with vanishers their guilt is worse than with clingers, or they're just more scared. Vanishing might feel like a relief since it is a form of escaping. I notice with clingers, they often still tell the LBS they love them, or hug and kiss them. Semi-vanishers would never do that.  They won't even email us.  Maybe I should say while the MLCer is in the vanishing phase, because vanishers were often boomerangs/clingers at some point. Something seems to push them into the vanishing stage. 

I do wonder if I helped push my H into the vanisher stage by rejecting his request to move back into the house. Quick reminder: 2 years ago, just before one of our separation hearings and a few months of what I consider a reconnection, H asked his L to postpone the separation and ask my L if he could move back into the house with me and the kids. He told her (L) that he was too scared to talk to me about anything but wine. After an hour's negotiation on speaker phone, me at my L's office, H at his L's office, I said no because he was refusing to pay maintenance. He said he wanted to come back but pay nothing. Actually, he wanted me to give him a job at the winery.

I think I might have been too harsh with my no. I could have bought time to talk to him. Say I needed a little time to think about it.  Say we should meet to talk about it and make him feel comfortable. In stead when he built up the courage to ask, albeit through a third party, I rejected him straight out. For someone with low self esteem, no courage, and a terrible fear of rejection that clearly didn't help. A couple of days later, he got on a plane to London to OW and they've been going strong ever since, stronger than ever, actually. After that he did everything she asked, including eating the way she insists, suing our D21, and no contact whatsoever with me.

I can see that I mishandled that situation. I do realize that my H was not fully cooked, but he had an opening in the fog, possibly after an awakening about OW because this reconnection happened after a massive fight between H and OW in public where she tried to strangle him, then he put his hands on her, too, then she called the cops and had him charged. I know this from the waiters at the restaurant where this happened.

This could have been a chance for H to come closer instead of fleeing. I could have talked gently and told him that he could come home but that my boundaries were.....

I'm glad I've learnt this lesson. I would do things differently now if I had the chance. I was not fully cooked myself at the time. I do worry that I will never get another chance. H, with his weak personality, seems more and more like he is in a cult.

I was listening to a radio show in the car, where people who have come out of cults describe how and why they got into one, and how the initial love bombing turns into demands to warrant that love again, only the demands become impossible to carry out. Another similar tactic as my H's OW, is that the cult alienates the victim from his family and friends. All the victim hears is what the cult is telling them.

So also as a means to break this isolation from us that the OW is enforcing on my H, I will contact him here and there. If I didn't, my H would completely disappear even from my S14.

I'm sure that this plan to go live abroad came from OW. My H might have convinced himself that OW's idea is the only choice he has, especially because that way he pleases her and she might be really nice to him again. If I don't communicate about S, H will do just that. I am going to remind H that he has a S and that S needs him.   

H is coming back tomorrow and had said he'd see S on Sunday. We shall see.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Still Half full

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #104 on: January 11, 2019, 11:15:35 AM »
Hey Milly, hope you’re feeling a bit less tired, but don’t beat yourself up for needing to rest, sometimes we feel like we have to be superwoman / superman, we’re just human and we have to listen to what your body and mind need, sometimes that’s just a bit more resting, and that’s fine 😊

I don’t think it’s good to look back and think should I ? What if ? You’ve always done the best you could with whatever you were dealt and you’ve no idea what would have happened if you’d ......  I think you’ve done great handling an incredibly difficult situation. You’ve run then sold a business and your home, you’ve found a beautiful new home, set up a new earning potential with the rental, kept a job at your old business ( and probably made yourself indispensable with the new owner 😊 ) while looking after your son and supporting all three of your children in various ways, I think that sounds remarkable ( and exhausting 😊)

When my MLCer wanted to come back I said I’d try, but didn’t let him come home and I’m glad I didn’t. He was still in the beginning of his MLC, couldn’t face what he’d done and just wanted me to pretend nothing had happened, while he did absolutely nothing. It was so disappointing.  He went back to ow ( the easy option but not necessarily who he really wanted ).  When I first joined here I asked if I’d made a mistake by not letting him have things the way he wanted. I was told that no matter what I did it wouldn’t have worked, MLC was still at the beginning of his journey, I imagine the same applies to you too ??? As you said you weren’t fully cooked either, letting him come home before it was the right time for either of you could have created more problems, but who knows. The fact is it wasn’t right for you then, you were protecting yourself and your children, but you know more now and are much stronger, so you can deal with anything that happens much better now 😊 and I’m sure you will

You’ve made the decision to keep in contact with him re your son, that shows strength. You’re still polite but expect him to step up as a parent, I think that’s a good thing. I work for my MLC and even though I don’t see him I have to have work contact, I email him ( with his business partners copied in around once a month ) I don’t know how he feels about it ( because he just sends short, polite replies ) but I feel like that’s enough contact for me. It’s hard to know what to do for the best with a low contact / vanishers, so we just have to do what we think is best after learning as much as we can from everyone here. If he changes and contacted me I would reply, but while he’s still hiding, this tentative thread feels enough for me, so I think you should trust yourself

I’m compassionate that my H is going through something, but he’s put me through such a tough time that I’m going to concentrate on what makes me feel better, I think that’s all we can do, get stronger in our selves and I’m sure we’ll deal with things to the best of our ability if things change

Don’t beat yourself up Milly, you’ve done, and are doing your best and I think you should feel pretty proud of yourself 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #105 on: January 11, 2019, 03:00:20 PM »
Milly, we can speculate endlessly.  I think about all the wrong words (spoken and written) to H, crying copiously, asking a million questions, etc.  He stayed.  Likewise, you could have said and did everything perfectly but you H would have eventually left even if you did let him come home.  He wanted to come home for his convenience and besides, he was hardly in the MLC oven yet. 

Don’t fret over things(past) you can’t change.  I know it’s easy to say...  It’s all very hard to be a LBS.  So many regrets, what if’s and general self blame.  They are not helpful to anyone or any situation but we keep doing it.  I hope you can work through this and let go of the things out of your control. 
((((((HUGS))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #106 on: January 11, 2019, 04:05:57 PM »


I was listening to a radio show in the car, where people who have come out of cults describe how and why they got into one, and how the initial love bombing turns into demands to warrant that love again, only the demands become impossible to carry out. Another similar tactic as my H's OW, is that the cult alienates the victim from his family and friends. All the victim hears is what the cult is telling them.



Milly I have never thought about the similarity of a cult before, but you are definitely correct.  The alienation of Family and Friends so they appear to be the Mlcers only lifeline.  You are onto something.

I think we all harbour guilt over past circumstances that happened.  Yes we could've or should've handled situations differently..based on our knowledge that we have today.  I believe things happen for a reason in our lives....even if we did what we think we should've would the current outcome be any different?  We really can't answer that due to many variables.   We can't change the past, but we surely can control where we are heading in the future....that is what we need to focus on.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #107 on: January 11, 2019, 05:17:56 PM »
I think I might have been too harsh with my no. I could have bought time to talk to him.

No, you weren't. Your husband was wanting back without paying maintenance and wanted back and pay nothing. How would things had worked out if had been allowed to return and pay nothing?

I don't know if vanishers have, or have not, more guilt than clingers. Or if a clinger in a vanishing phase has. What I know is that with a vanisher there is peace and with a clinger there is not.

Mr J would still be clinging if I had let him to. It was impossible to deal with him, his contact contact and drama. Be in in person or by e-mail/text.

In a direct, or inderect manner, including when I had already cut most contact with him, there were 8 years of his drama. Things become rather quiet Autumn 2014 and have remained so, aside from the odd -email, most of which have been OK. And the phone call last August that was pretty weird and still had drama.

Think the phone call made me lose the little openess I had gained towards Mr J since he start sending the odd e-mail early 2016. Who still wants to have to deal with monster nearly 12 years from BD, as it was the case in August? No one.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Loyal

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #108 on: January 12, 2019, 05:55:10 AM »

I do wonder if I helped push my H into the vanisher stage by rejecting his request to move back into the house.

Milly, please stop torturing yourself, you did the right thing by not letting him move back home at the time. IMHO that would have only postponed him leaving again as he definitely wasn`t anywhere near to even bein half cooked, just like my now V (prior to that, monstering CB), who disappeared in November 2016, turned up again four weeks later,  practically begged me to let him come home, which I did and less than 5 months later (April 2017) carried out his cowardly and cruel ghosting (vanishing) act.

I think I might have been too harsh with my no. I could have bought time to talk to him. Say I needed a little time to think about it.  Say we should meet to talk about it and make him feel comfortable
This could have been a chance for H to come closer instead of fleeing. I could have talked gently and told him that he could come home but that my boundaries were.....

I tried all of that but unfortunately ......

he had an opening in the fog, possibly after an awakening about OW

I think this can and does sometimes happen whilst they`re still deep in Replay,  in that something unpleasant occurs that forces them to wake up for a while. In my P`s case (November 2016) it was obviously him having fallen out not only with the men in his clique but also two of the females,  both of whom he told me he only had EA`s (????) with ::)

Head up Milly, as so many others here have already written, you`re doing great and should be very proud of everything that you`ve achieved for your children and yourself under such bizarre, tough circumstances. Hugs, Loyal



 
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #109 on: January 12, 2019, 06:20:16 AM »
Still, thank you for all your good words, for reminding me of what I have achieved, and for telling me that he and I were not ready when he wanted to come back to live in the house. That now I'm much stronger, if an occasion should arise. Must be very difficult having to work for your H.

Acorn and Bren, thanks for telling me not to fret about the what ifs that are in the past. I can't change it, but I can change my future. Good reminder! Also the cult thing, definitely many similarities. Probably the OW is not aware of how successful her manipulation technique really is. Of course, the cults do it on purpose, they have a plan they follow, a strategy they have studied. I hope that the OW, not knowing what she's doing, has weak spots in her strategy. Just had a thought, I wonder if cult leaders are versions of OP?

Anjae and Loyal, you make me see that even if I had done the opposite, there was no certainly that it would have brought my H ahead in his journey. Anjae, your H was still clinging and full of drama 8 years later. I can totally understand your need to cut him off. Loyal, I'm feeling much more appeased today, reading that you did give your H a chance, and he still left. So maybe if I had let my H back in, he would have left later, and become a semi-vanshier later.

This morning I woke up with that cold feeling again. The feeling that I'm getting older, that once my S leaves the home, what is left for me? It doesn't look like much fun from where I am today.

I think it was Hopeandfaith, who wrote on her thread that going NC with her H means being excluded from the fun stuff with inlaws, too. I realized today that another contribution to my lonely life now, is just this, the lack of extended family. When our Hs BD us, most of us lose our inlaws, too. That's a big chunk of people with ongoing lives, new marriages, new kids on the way, holiday get togethers, emails, cards, visits, all swiped away at BD. So for those of us with no other family, it's quite devastating.

It took several years to build up the people that fill the space around us. And these people, keep our lives colourful. Since BD, often those of us with kids, find that in no time (3-5 years) our kids have left the home and are moving on.

We also lost half the friends we had at BD simply because half side with the MLCer, and some we realize were never really friends in the first place. The devastation just keeps appearing to me. I will never be able to replace the people who counted my in laws and my nieces and nephews who are now getting married and some having babies. I am not invited to the weddings, sent the notice of birth, not invited to the baptisms. 

I like my new friends, but they're all couples and I don't get as much pleasure being with them and being on my own. They don't make me feel odd at all, it's me. Things couples do together seem to work for couples. For single people, they're a little boring. I'm too old, as in don't have the energy, to do things younger single people do. This MLC BD is a real bummer all around.

Ok, pity party out of the way and thank you for letting me air my victimhood without having to feel bad about it. Thank goodness for this place. I would be have gone out of my mind without it.

No real, exciting plans for this weekend. Taking S to a tennis lesson later, tomorrow nothing, but yesterday, I bought myself a few gardening tools just so I can go putter about in my little garden. Nothing much, a hoe, a nice coiled watering hose, a few packets of seeds: arugola, misticanza (mixed lettuces), and a sage plant (already have a rosemary and thyme plant) and want to start my little herb patch outside my kitchen door.

Have a nice weekend everyone.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

 

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