Author Topic: My Story 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.  (Read 2973 times)

Offline BrenM

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My Story Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2018, 01:43:46 AM »
Milly I am pleased to hear that you had a fabulous time with your S and D.  Precious memories that can never be replaced or erased.

Your H sounds as though he is still running....deep in his fantasy world...just like my Husband.  Sadly they are missing out on so much of their children's world...milestones, birthdays, Christmases...it is just so sad.  Ironically I get sad and very teary often, I know that my Old Husband would never be like this, not in a million years, he was always their for our Kids, our family and he was there for me....these actions alone tells me that something is very wrong with H...which I believe is MLC...therefore I trust the process.  When and if he has his awakening I for one will have a broken man...he will never forgive himself for the hurt he has done to US...his family, his wife, his kids and his beloved brother. 

In the meantime all we can do is move forward.  Be the best MAD (Combination of Mum and Dad) possible for our beautiful kids. Enjoy and cherish all these beautiful and wonderful times 😘😘
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
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Offline Acorn

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #21 on: December 11, 2018, 07:13:28 AM »
Milly, I’m glad you could have a good vacation with your beloved children.  You truly deserved a break from your busy job and moving house. 

Your H will do what he will do.  He will run and run until he wakes up to the fact that he cannot run away from himself.  To get to that point, he needs to try all manner of escape.  I saw my H do this.  He tried everything.  In the end, nothing solved his problems because they lay within him.  One can’t tell MLCer that.  They have to come to realize through self reflection and counselling.  These, too, are out of our control. 

What strikes me is the contrast in attitude between you and him.  You face the difficulties in your life.  He runs away from them.  One doesn’t have to be a MLCer to do that, I guess. 

You are doing good, Milly, always holding up a mirror for yourself and working on whatever you find there. 

((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline forthetrees

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #22 on: December 11, 2018, 02:37:05 PM »
Sorry he´s being a piss ant.

Please upload a photo of the pink fridge.
Please make wine recommendations, BUT NOT the usual way. Instead, can you suggest a wine for when the LBS is feeling__________ or when the MLCer has done______________? Surely these wines have different purposes that fill a need or mood;)

Your h´s response to S regarding his highest desire for an xmas gift was bizarre. People in their right mind don´t threaten to move away when their child is basically asking in an emotionally raw and vulnerable way to have more face time. The disconnect there is glaring. I hope it is glaring enough for you to see that he is still a PIC- person in crisis. Rhymes with....

Hugs from the US of A
FTT
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #23 on: December 15, 2018, 04:54:57 PM »
Caught up and jumping on board with your newest thread Milly.  Oh a get together in Tuscany, a girl can dream!  I don't know if I could come, but I had better hurry up and get my passport so that I could try!

It sounds like something might be in the works for a change for your H, but who knows.  A lot of them seem to shake things up when one thing isn't working, until they make it through the tunnel and realize that nothing external will fix it.

Your home sounds very lovely and cozy!  I'm happy that you get to spend the Holidays with your 3 kids!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #24 on: December 18, 2018, 03:02:47 PM »
Thank you all for your lovely posts, and I will get back to them in detail in one of my next posts. 

Today was hard. I'm exhausted from my move and the demands from my new boss and I only did my first day of Christmas shopping today which is getting pretty close but I have noooo time, and I'm really down.

D24 arrived last Friday, same day as D21. They have already fought and that was stressful enough, but D24 told me she wanted to ask H to come to Christmas lunch with us (first time since BD) since OW wasn't going to be here for Christmas. I said ok, but that I didn't think he would come. SHe said she felt he was different.

Well she saw him the second night she was here. Went to dinner with H and OW to same restaurant I took my kids the night the 2 girls arrived. So D24 went to the same restaurant 2 nights in a row. D24 told me when she arrived that she is very upset with H, that he has triggered her abandonment fears (she gives me no details), that he is crying about having no money, that she is mad with him and told him that he needs to cut his spending, not go out to dinner all the time, well this restaurant is expensive.

So she asked him while OW was in the bathroom, if he would come and be with us on Christmas day. She said that H just looked at her in a soft manner, didn't say yes or no. She said in the past he would have made a face like absolutely not. I told D24 that chances were he would not come but that he was welcome if he wanted. That in the past when I had asked him, he always said no.

So today she spent the day with him. tomorrow is H's birthday. He's taking D24 and S14 for dinner to celebrate. He sent a message to S14 asking him if he would go for lunch to celebrate his birthday. S asked if it was going to be just D24 and him. H said yes, and D21 is she would come, and told S to ask D21 to come. D21 said no. For those who are not familiar with my thread, H and OW are suing D21. H is hoping to sweap it under the carpet.

So, D24 had lunch with H today. I don't really know what they talked about. D24 told me that she cried at her dads. She posted a photo of their lunch table with a bottle of my wine, an old vintage, with a photo of my winery on the wall behind it. I don't know if that was in a restaurant or at H's house. I don't recognize the place.

So, D24 tells me tonight that H won't be coming for Christmas lunch. H told D24 that he would NEVER come to my house for Christmas. He's flying to London, OW city, the day after tomorrow and will stay all the way through Christmas. This will be the first time for him in London for Christmas since BD.

He asked D24 if she was ok with it. D24 studies in the US. We see her twice a year. She came in July for 2 weeks, and she's here now for 2 weeks. He's leaving. D24 asked that he come back before she leaves on 1st January. He said he'll try to change his ticket.

Today, I was out Christmas shopping for my kids. It was bitter sweet as usual, like for all LBSs. I told myself to fake it, that it was Christmas, my kids were all here, and life was good. I came home to this information, and I'm feeling terribly sad. So, so, sad. I need to cry. My D24 is sitting near me, I can't cry. I'm feeling like I'm having a minor BD. I feel that my H will never want to come back to me. Even if he comes through his crisis, he will never want me again. I believe he really never wanted me in the first place, just like he said. I'm in denial. I am losing my H for ever. I'm just so sad.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #25 on: December 18, 2018, 03:46:38 PM »
((((Hugs)))) Milly

I find December such a difficult month - Christmas, S#2 Birthday and my Birthday.  Family celebrations and family traditions are followed with one member of our family missing.  A month that should be such a joyous time brings heartache to many.  I totally understand faking being happy.


 I came home to this information, and I'm feeling terribly sad. So, so, sad. I need to cry. My D24 is sitting near me, I can't cry. I'm feeling like I'm having a minor BD. I feel that my H will never want to come back to me. Even if he comes through his crisis, he will never want me again. I believe he really never wanted me in the first place, just like he said. I'm in denial. I am losing my H for ever. I'm just so sad.


Milly  atm we all know that your H is still in the tunnel.  Yes he is popping his head out of the tunnel spasmodically for your children and showing other small signs of some remorse/regret. D24 is noticing changes in him, thus making the comment to you that she thought he was different.   

But this is the same man that only recently mentioned to his son about moving away...possibly to another country.  He made this statement to his son knowing that his son is having a difficult time.  Does his sound like a man who is putting his children first?  He is still on his journey.

Interesting that Husband did not immediately say no or yes to D24 after her invitation to come for Christmas at their first met up.  He also did not tell her that he would not be in town.  This was only divulged during the second met up....I smell OW influence lol..do you think the OW had something to do with his change of plans and his outburst of "No" and "Not Never"...I believe so.

Milly you sound run down - emotionally and physically.  You need to breathe and take some precious "Milly" time.....a shower/bath and some wine?.

Milly enjoy every precious minute with your family...now and on Christmas Day.  You will have each other and lots of laughter.  I can guarantee you that while H may be physically with the OW where do you think his mind will be?  With his family of course.....he is the one missing out on so much Milly.  Be sad for him....not for you. 
« Last Edit: December 18, 2018, 03:48:42 PM by Brenross »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #26 on: December 18, 2018, 03:59:10 PM »
Bren, you are such a treasure. Thank you for your very kind post. I needed to hear your words right now. Such a hard night. You are helping me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline BrenM

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #27 on: December 18, 2018, 04:03:55 PM »
We are here for you always Milly.  As I said...be sad for your Husband....not for youself...he is missing out on so many precious memories, milestones and celebrations with his family.  His beloved family. He will be a broken man when he realises what he has done.   D24 obviously has learnt well from you...she masks her emotional damage from her Father and you.

Hugs Milly
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #28 on: December 18, 2018, 07:40:27 PM »
Oh Milly,  I have been feeling very similar to you lately.  This has been my toughest month for a very long time because H has heavily escalated his R with ow and dropped the kids.

I just thought of a little story (true) that might help.  My RL friend was in the same position as us a few years ago and her H was set to have Christmas day with her and her 4 kids. Just before lunch he announced that he needed a lift to the airport because he was flying to see ow.  They were DEVASTATED.  He has since told her that he had a bit of a panic attack on the plane on the way over because he thought that maybe he had lost them forever by pulling that stunt.

I know that the situation is a little different for your H now and that it would be more unusual for him to come than to not be there, but it just goes to show how their actions don't necessarily reflect love and devotion to the ow.  There could be all sorts of messed up dynamics going on there.  I am also smelling something off about the fact that it didn't appear he had plans and then all of a sudden he does.  The whole idea might have just scared the squirrel a bit.  Your best bet is to act as if its totally fine either way and that your place is where 'its' at.  Be the lighthouse Milly girl!!!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #29 on: December 18, 2018, 09:55:13 PM »
Milly, your H always wanted you.  MLCers lie about not wanting us so they can convince themselves they are doing the right thing in either having the affair, leaving, or both.

If  I'd left my husband, I am sure I would have told him some ridiculous excuse, and probably out of anger or fear rather than truth.

Christmas is a very difficult time for all of us.  I have been staring at a corner in our house where the Christmas tree would be if I could bring myself to put one up.  I stated at this spot thousands of times over the past few weeks, as putting up the Christmas tree brings back so many memories of the children when they were small and H and I wrapping presents to put under it.  All those memories of Christmas mornings and sharing all the fun together, just bring up so many emotions that I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I am so fed up with this way of thinking that S22 and I are leaving in a couple of hours to buy Christmas tree.  I will decorate it and be happy for the life I have now even though it is so different from the one I thought I would have.

I know we'll have things that we should be really grateful for, and of course I AM grateful, but it doesn't make Christmas any less difficult.

I have chosen to work on Christmas Day, something I have done for most of the years since BD.  I tried one Christmas doing all the 'Christmas stuff'.  It was so painful, I've gone back to working on the day.

I know the feeling won't last for ever but after five Christmases, I would've thought things would be a little bit better by now which they are to some extent but the pain is still there when I think that H and OW are living MY Christmas and I have no right to take that away from me.

I'm glad we have each other and all the wonderful people of HS to guide us through this season.  Without all of the wonderful people here to make a few jokes and laugh at the stupid MLCers,  Life would be rather intolerable.

Please know you're always worth so much your husband and You love you with all his heart.  Everything he has told you since BD has been a lie.

Love and hugs,

xx
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

 

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