Author Topic: My Story 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.  (Read 2976 times)

Offline Songanddance

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My Story Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #110 on: January 12, 2019, 06:29:25 AM »
This morning I woke up with that cold feeling again. The feeling that I'm getting older, that once my S leaves the home, what is left for me? It doesn't look like much fun from where I am today.

Totally normal and part of the cr**py bit of this MLC stuff. 

You have create a new life, a new future but because of MLC you have to create with fewer than half the people you knew or trusted.  Tough challenge.

Also totally get that new friends are couples and there is this sense of "isolation" because you're not part of a pair. 

However you have made huge strides Milly - you are able to see your current feelings for what they are - a blip on the horizon of your future.  No-one ever said that this would be smooth and, to be honest I think that if things are smooth, then there is something inauthentic about it all.   
One of the things we learn as LBSers is never to predict what is going to happen - to go with the flow and to learn how to be. No more comfort zone and no more predicatability - makes life quite exciting but it takes an awfully long time for us to learn how exciting this can be.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #111 on: January 12, 2019, 06:38:24 AM »
I agree with everything Song says about the progress you have made.
And with what others say about regret. You did your best with what you knew then and how things were. As others say, the chances are that you would have just got an uncooked destructive h back for a while and I suspect you can think of ways in which that would have been worse for you and your kids and finances. If you doubt it, think about how cooked or not he seems now when there are plenty of consequences to be seen from what he has done....

I would really recommend a book called 'Second Firsts', Milly. It's about rebuilding a new life after someone dies but tbh, the practical steps are much the same. How you feel is absolutely part of the process...she calls it coming out of the Waiting Room...when you realise your old life has gone and you want a new life but you're not quite sure what it looks like or how to get it.

She has the idea about spending 5% of your energy on what she calls 'plug ins', like experiments where you take small steps towards something you think you might like as the new you. But bc they are experiments, it doesn't matter if they don't always work, you just try something else and see.

If your h had died, Milly, what kind of Milly life would you like which isn't about being a wife or mother even? What makes you smile and dance and feel good about your marvellous Millyness?
« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 06:41:40 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #112 on: January 12, 2019, 10:23:16 AM »
Milly, I agree that if your h had returned under cooked, the result may have been the same or created even more problems but who knows? Tbh I don’t think even the mlcer knows. I let my husband return and quite a few of those 10 returns were actually without my say so as I would return from work or trick or treating once to find him at home. H still left for ow as she is a co worker and now vanisher with the odd monster pop up from monstering cb. What ifs are irrelevant now. I used to say.  I should of left him to it early, I shouldn’t of chased or I shouldn’t of questioned but I did until I found hs. What ifs drove me crazy. I can’t undo how I reacted so no point dwelling on it.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong what we do as we try to save our family and marriage on how we knew our husbands not based on the new version. I believe what we do or did or didn’t do is before we gather our strength to deal with this version of our husbands. . It shouldn’t be our what’s ifs but our husbands what ifs. We did nothing other than stand and find strength we never imagined we had in the face of devastation.

You have achieved so much and you have given your h every opportunity and compassion any lbs gives their mlcer. What ifs serve no purpose other than to harm our health and forward movement. I really must take note of my own writing! 😂

You are brilliant and strong and a fantastic mother, don’t let what ifs slow your growth. Hugs. Xx
« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 10:25:56 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 50
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Anjae

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #113 on: January 12, 2019, 12:32:36 PM »
I cut Mr J off before 8 years, Milly. I did it Summer 2011, a couple of months short of 5 years since he left. But he kept finding ways of bring drama in. Court cases, not giving back my stuff, you name it. The cutting process was gradual, until I barely contact(ed), if at all. Not much changed, aside not having to deal with drama and monster.

Like others said, what you felt is normal.

Treasur suggestion of allocating some time/energy to new things is a good one. Like she said, if you then don't like them, or they don't work out, no problem.

Agree with the others, you're very strong and a wonderful mum.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #114 on: January 12, 2019, 09:58:44 PM »
I rejected him straight out. For someone with low self esteem, no courage, and a terrible fear of rejection that clearly didn't help. A couple of days later, he got on a plane to London to OW and they've been going strong ever since, stronger than ever, actually. After that he did everything she asked, including eating the way she insists, suing our D21, and no contact whatsoever with me.

I can see that I mishandled that situation. I do realize that my H was not fully cooked, but he had an opening in the fog, possibly after an awakening about OW because this reconnection happened after a massive fight between H and OW in public where she tried to strangle him, then he put his hands on her, too, then she called the cops and had him charged. I know this from the waiters at the restaurant where this happened.

My H runs to ow when I reject him too. That in itself is probably proof that it was a good decision to say no because it shows that if it can't be you then anyone will do.  Quite possibly, he didn't have an awakening about ow - he just got scared that she was rejecting him too.  When you also rejected him, he decided to throw his efforts into securing ow because, lets face it, there is less to lose if he fails.

Someone who is further along and still just as frightened of rejection might slink away but stay on their own.  As the others have said, there is a high chance it wouldn't have worked because neither of you were ready.  IMO, he would have slowed down your progress and you may not be in the place now where you recognise the importance of being that quiet voice of reason in the background that dilutes the poison that ow spreads.  You are a window to the real world from inside the confines of the cult wall and that is a powerful thing.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #115 on: January 14, 2019, 09:14:29 PM »
You handled things perfectly Milly, please don't have any regrets.  Your H is a broken man who is controlled by the ow.  The outcome would not have been different.  He may have come home for a while and not been able to silence the voices in his head and would have left for the current ow or found a new one.

You have done amazing things since he left and you should be so proud of yourself, you are so much better than him.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way.'s thread)

Offline serenity

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #116 on: January 15, 2019, 03:35:38 AM »
Hi Milly

Don’t feel bad over how you’ve handled things. Believe me, I’ve done all sorts of things and then regretted it and thought I’d pushed him away and maybe I did BUT whilst they’re like this there’s no reaching them!

I couldn’t have been kinder to my H over his latest, prolonged T & G and you know how that’s ended up. Nothing we do or say changes the outcome



Online UrsaMajor

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #117 on: January 15, 2019, 06:16:48 AM »
Lemme see if I have this right....

H wanted to come back, to live at home, to not make any sort of financial contribution, wanted YOU to give HIM a job in YOUR winery, right? You said "Nope, not gonna do it." right?  And that is YOUR fault?

Uh... NOPE!  We ARE talking about the same person who is suing his own D for telling him that he is a cock-up to his face because OW wants him to sue her, right?He was not only uncooked, I doubt if he'd even been filleted at that point... That's like the cow being walked THROUGH the kitchen next to the stove....

As for rebuilding your circle of friends, you'd be amazed at what can happen in a VERY short period of time... I was in Val di Fassa (Canazei) last week skiing with a group of people from the next village over. They have known each other since God was a baby and made dirt, some going back to grade school. This group took my kids and I in like we were all old friends so it CAN happen that your circle can suddenly reappear in a totally different constellation than it was previously.... and all this was because a colleague and her H were NOT able to go on the trip as planned (they were taking possession of their new house) and she offered their places to me...

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #118 on: January 15, 2019, 11:07:11 AM »
Thank you all for giving me encouragement and for sharing your own experiences with your Hs. Some of you did exactly what I regret not doing and your outcome was the same as mine. This has helped me rebalance myself. Sometimes, it just really gets to me and then I start obsessing. Sorry if I don't reply to you all right away but I need time to digest when I get such considerate posts. I read and re-read them.

UM, there you are. I wondered where you'd been. Up the mountains then. Thanks for pointing out in big capitals how my H is behaving just so I remember. Good you did that. It helps me a lot. By the way, did you see our Tuscany trip discussion?

So, I guess I just had a bad cycle. We all know what they're like. I was feeling like there's no point, my H will never come out of his crisis, he really did never love me and shouldn't have married me, he really is in love with the OW, she might be better than me at being in a relationship with him.

So between reading all your posts, and using a mental technique whereby whenever thoughts of my H or OW came in my head, I envisioned a large, red stop button, I have been feeling a bit better. The stop button is the kind that would stop a train for example. It worked pretty well. I remember Stayed used to talk about wearing an elastic around her wrist and would pull it when she obsessed. I never quite understood before why she would need to do that. Now I do.

I have a also been re-reading HB's articles. Where has she gone, does any know? Her website doesn't seem to get updated.

I think I'm reaching a new stage in my journey where I'm more realistic about the possibility of my H not coming back. I'm heading to 5 years since BD and my H is still in replay. There's a good chance he'll be in it for ever. I can't waste my time hanging on. That doesn't mean I'm ending my stand, but it does take away some expectations. Maybe that's what's made me feel down.

H arrived on Sunday evening at 6pm to pick up S. He stayed in the car. H hasn't seen S14 the whole of the Christmas holidays. He got back from London on Saturday. I guess he wasn't rushing to see S.

They went to a movie. S suggested it. I guess I put the idea in S's head. I told him that he had to find something to do with his dad and not just go together to the mall, eat a McDonalds, and buy a sweatshirt every time.

S suggested bowling or a movie. So they were gone quite a few hours. S was happy when he came back in. H had bought a bunch of chocolate from the Uk for him. He hasn't done that in ages, maybe a couple of years. H included a chocolate that he knows is my favourite, but it's also one of H's favourites, so it might have just been familiar to him.

H has his batmobile back from the mechanics. Before Christmas he'd been renting an offroad kind of car. He rented it for weeks, so I was beginning to think that the batmobile was kaput and he was looking for a new car. The off road style car is much more suitable to where he lives up on a hill where it can snow in winter. OW doesn't like that kind of car. She likes sporty, or trendy looking cars. I thought maybe H was making progress. But the batmobile has been fixed, and back into it he squishes himself. H is 6 foot 6.

H has been calling S these two days since Sunday. This is new. Usually he texts but if he's just seen S, he won't text again for over a week. H asked S if they can see each other again this week. They have planned to go out for dinner on Friday night. H will pick S up at his tennis, which will save me a journey.

On the phone, H has been asking S about his day, his tennis, how his bad school subjects are going. There is a little more interest from H than usual. Usually, there's no interest, not for school, and never for tennis.

Because I'm suspicious when H behaves a little better, I'm wondering if this contact has anything to do with H planning on doing a runner very soon. He had said to S before CHristmas that he was thinking of moving abroad permanently. So we shall see.

Sometimes H likes to reserve dinner dates to give bad news. In fact, he usually gives his bad news at dinner. Right now S is excited to see his dad this Friday. I hope I'm wrong about my spidey senses.

I have been working quite a bit and that gives me some satisfaction. I planted my herb garden on Sunday. I have lots of light blue pansies to plant in some cut off barrels I have from my old winery, but I need to gather bags of regular soil from my old place to fill the barrels. It would cost too much to fill them with bought soil.

I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night. Usually I fall asleep and am in a coma the minute I hit the pillow. Last night was a disaster, as if I'd been drinking coffee all night. When I feel asleep, I had a dream that my H was shouting at me to cut my hair. I said I love my long hair. He said it was so boring looking. My dream felt so real that I woke up feeling that all this time since BD that I had been feeling good about the way I'd been taking care of myself was just an illusion in my mind. That to others I'm really old and boring looking. I had a hair appointment today so the thought did disturb me. I don't want to cut my hair, so I didn't.

S has been doing better at school. Even in his 2 bad subjects, Italian and maths, he's been told that he's improving. S is also becoming more considerate. This is something I've been talking to him about for about a year. He's finally starting to do things for me without being asked. He's sitting down to do his homework without moaning. He's going to bed on time. He is doing much better in general and his mood has improved, too. I'm glad I wrote this out because it makes me realize that he must be feeling better about himself.

Sorry for the long post, but thanks for letting me indulge. It helps.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Treasur

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Re: 4.5 yrs since BD. My life is getting better. H stuck.
« Reply #119 on: January 15, 2019, 01:09:26 PM »
Glad to hear you rebalanced yourself, Milly.
Sounds like - at least for now - your h is engaging with your boy a little more. And your boy is doing better at school and at home. And your blue pansies sound lovely.
3 good things right there  :)
I hope your spidey sense is wrong too, but you know what? You've all survived much,much worse. If your h keeps throwing cheap spaghetti at the wall of his life to keep hunting for a magic 'fix', it only means that obviously every single thing he has done so far - including a truly awful ow - hasn't worked has it? Meanwhile, you will continue to bring Milly magnificence to your own life and those around you, while swishing your lovely long hair. It is absolutely your h's loss and he is, as we all know, a self destructive unhappy fool.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg


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