Author Topic: My Story Reconciliation- ish  (Read 302 times)

Offline CupidLied?Topic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Gender: Female
  • Don’t Stop Believing
My Story Reconciliation- ish
« on: December 06, 2018, 10:36:22 AM »
Ok so I have finally succumbed to posting....


H 38 (37 at BD)
M 37
Together 20yrs next month married 14
D 18 (17 at BD)


BD 6/17 I came home from work (recently went back after being a SAHM)
I was was rubbing my feet,bring on your feet 8hrs after not working for nearly 20yrs takes its toll.
He says “Are you happy? I said “at the moment no but over all yes”
He says “I have feelings for someone else”. That night I took is wedding ring and house key and told him to get out!

Well see we are both are AGAINST cheating because both of our parents are serial cheaters, so much so through our entire relationship every 2mths or so he would say “ Baby please don’t ever cheat on me, I won’t be able to take it.”

H at age 15 was told his dad isn’t his bio dad for years he will later tell me it’s doesnt matter his dad will always be his dad. I met him 2yrs after and he has always had a chip on his should regarding his mom. Well now he wants to do the DNA to find out for sure.


D18 a only child who was BFF’s with H, it was more of a bro/ sis relationship. I was always the parent, they we so close and so much alike they referred to themselves as The “T” twins. He of course abandoned her wouldn’t help with anything! Wouldn’t come to any of her milestones for 4mths. And there were ALOT being her Senior year.


MIL- my ex BFF, her and I were so much closer than any of her kids, so much so we talked every day for 3-4 hrs... she always told anyone if you need me and can’t find me call C she knows where I am...I was also listed 2nd on her and FIL wills after H and before her other kids or grandkids. She eventually allowed OW to be in my D’s bed at her house!!! ( D has always had a room at their house since she was born)


6/17-8/17

The 1st week or so H was a pitiful excuse of a man. The guilt was tearing him up. He would come by every night .Well then as we all know the switched flipped, you would’ve thought I was the one having the A. From then it went downhill FAST, MIL in this time period convinced him to close out joint bank account, kick me off cell phone plan, and 2 days before D was to return to school for her senior year shut off our lights and water!

After he closed our bank acct I went to a L which calmed so much of my worries ( financially) hired  a PI ( thankfully we live in a fault state!!!) went NC for my own sanity!

Sept- H moves out of MIL and get a APT with OW I have him served 2 days later. He calls me a week after being served ( we had been talking a few weeks prior) crying saying he wasn’t just talking to me because of the papers he hadn’t been served when we 1st started talking ( which I knew) we talked for awhile he said he was miserable (duh!). We had talked about trying to reconcile, well the OW found out and sent me naked pics of her ( which she wasn’t much to look at but whatever). Apparently she went Psycho on him that night he called me and said “ I don’t love you and was just using you to get close to D.”


2 weeks later I am on a preplanned get away with my Dad H was supposed to go it was planned a year prior. I again get the call “ I know I have no right to say this but I’m miserable I’m at Walmart buying a air mattress (lol). We talked the entire weekend, he came by the house while I was gone did the yard and plugged my tire.

2 days later we went to court( emergency hearing for alimony/child support),  I pulled in he got out of the truck and started crying when he saw me we walked in together sat together in the lobby. I held it together pretty well until they said “ this is the case of C VS C”. We didn’t get a verdict that day and when we were leaving he said “ I never stopped loving you!”

2 days later the verdict comes down: WOW it wasn’t pretty for him! I didn’t feel bad for what he had to pay I felt back for how he would react because he’s never handled money issues well. I tried contacting him to make sure he was ok of course I ended up back on the block list.


1 week later I hopped a flight to FL where I met up with friends I had made since BD. H knew I was in FL but not specifically where. He made sure I had my first alimony check before I left. I was at the airport about to catch my return flight got a call from D that her tire was low ( she was supposed to pick me up from the airport). I had to call H first thing out of his mouth “ how’s FT launderdale?” I said how do you know where I am?”  He said “you aren’t the only one that can stalk” then proceeds to tell me he’s moved into BIL I asked why he was telling me this, he said well D will proabably hear it from nephew.

He went by the house fixed D’s tire and apparently told her he was thinking about coming to the airport to pick me up. Of course he didn’t because in his words “ he was a coward and didn’t know how’d I react”

2 weeks later after some more OW shenanigans he shows up to my door with our fav pizza, so began the reconnecting... we talked on the phone the entire week then he came over and he moved home about 2 weeks later.


Offline CupidLied?Topic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Gender: Female
  • Don’t Stop Believing
Re: Reconciliation- ish
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2018, 10:43:55 AM »
So now we are on the reconciliation rollercoaster, go to MC,  had a post- nup done that follows the SA, he  is super clingy now so much so sometimes I have to lay down with him ( like a 5 yr old) so he can fall asleep. I have a hard time with reconciliation because it goes against EVERYTHING I believe in. So I’m struggling going against by beliefs, he gets defensive when I say “ I’m having a bad day”.

I just want to see steady progress I know nothing will be fixed overnight. He’s been home for 14months and there are some changes but I need more!

The OW has gone back to her husband but just 4months ago she sent pics, one the included a family pic with all of my in-laws! This girl is crazy pants!!!!! She doesn’t want him just upset she didn’t win. He told me she was always intimidated by me, well maybe that’s because she does against his type and is everything he has ever said he wasn’t attracted to physically or mentally. Considering he had only talked to her for 3 weeks before BD, I knew how this was going to play out and told OW that.

Our entire M he has always been the type of if we don’t talk about it, it never happened. His entire family is like this, they will go 6months not talking then decide they want to talk and will never address the issue for which they weren’t talking for 6 months.

As far as MIL- neither of us are talking to her. I told him his relationship with her is his business. I don’t ever plan on talking to her again. Her and I had many convo regarding A because she repeatedly cheated on my FIL H’s “Dad” she is on her 3rd marriage. I told her if someone’s H cheats with the W’s BFf i’d Probably be more mad at the BFF because she broke girl code. She has always had convo’s with me regarding A’s it’s like she wanted me to say oh yeah totally ok you cheated on every relationship you’ve been in. Their family dynamics have always been enablers, I totally get being there for your son but there’s a difference between being there for him and getting involved in this mess. I would NEVER enable D to the point of helping her destroy her life or her family’s. The way I sum it up is H pulled the trigger  on all the horrendous thing he did to D and I but MIL handed him a loaded gun!


I still get triggered our 20th anniversary is next month and he says he has something very special planned. That I won’t be able to put do him in the gift department. We were back together for our 19th and it was extremely hard for me, we were talking about that the other day and I said there’s no way you would’ve have expected me to NOT be triggered, he said “ no I’m just saying that is being together meant a lot that anniversary was very special to me”.

He wants our entire relationship to go back to the way it was, bills in his name ( nope not gonna happen), we have a joint bank account but I still have my separate one that I keep my savings in and he has no access. I’m back on the phone plan and he’s back to paying all the bills.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 11:51:03 AM by CupidLied? »

Offline OldPilot

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12432
  • Gender: Male
Re: Reconciliation- ish
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2018, 03:04:23 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power , Sir Francis Bacon

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5203
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconciliation- ish
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2018, 12:35:51 AM »
It's a good thing for others trying to reconnect, Cupid, that you have posted. I hope it will be helpful for you too.

Not my experience - my xh is long gone, remarried quickly and I expect to never see him again lol - but reading others posts about reconnection, a lot of what you say sounds to be par for the course. Not an easy choice. And you seem to be taking a very level-headed approach about the finances etc.

Do you think you are reconnecting or reconciling?
And you say you want more, do you know what is missing for you?
I guess for everyone who tries to rebuild a decent marriage, there is that inherent reality that you are accepting and working with things you never thought you would. And that raises questions about who you are, what you want and what you're prepared to trade in or accept to get it. Again, not easy at all.

Other than returning home, what is your h DOING to address his issues that led him to make the choices he did? Is he still blaming you? Or is he doing everything he can to pretend it never happened and wants you to do the same? Are you getting any support in navigating this like your own IC? Or are the two of you having MC? And how is your daughter doing?

Lots of questions - sorry  :), no obligation to answer them of course if it doesn't help you. I hope though that others with experience of reconnecting will swing along to support you.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CupidLied?Topic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Gender: Female
  • Don’t Stop Believing
Re: Reconciliation- ish
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2018, 06:29:17 AM »
We go to MC but our therapist was gone for 3months (she works with the military for soldiers with PTSD). He keeps saying he needs IC but of course I won’t schedule the appt ( I’m a fixer, he’s a avolder) he hasn’t even looked into it. There are times he’ll say “I wish I could take a leave of absence” I’m like you know you don’t get paid on this right?? Of course he doesn’t know that.
I knew when he finally woke up the guilt would eat him alive,

When I say I need more I mean our therapist ( that I made him find and book) was gone we were supposed to do weekly talks with each other. That has been a lot of our problem, I have never been able to discuss my feelings about anything in 20yrs he gets defensive from the start then shuts down. So our therapist thought it would be a good starting point for me to feel like I had a voice ( which is kinda hilarious if you knew me I’ve never had a problem stating my feelings) So therapist was gone 12weeks we might have had 3 or 4 therapy talks ( I wait for him to initiate ) and they’ve all been in the last month or so. MC just got back so our next real appt is Monday.


As far as D she wasn’t happy with me letting him come back at first she said “ mom what if he does it again” poor thing is already learning to shutdown her feelings. Him and I were talking the other day and I told him I think D will at some point will show the signs of abandonment and such. His response “ I don’t think so did you see how happy she was in our family pic of getting the  Christmas tree last year.” I said “ yes honey we were all happy at that point just to have some sort of normalcy instead of the chaos you put this family into”  So I’ll let him live in that lala land until she decides it’s the right time. About 8 months ago he tried to talk to her he got emotional and she wouldn’t open up because ( she didn’t want to make him feel any worse” at that point.


So I struggle for one in my beliefs ( and what he told me was his beliefs for 20yrs) of there being NO excuse of cheating. I was always the one to say if my husband cheated I’d be OUT without question. He does say that he thought I was the source of his unhappiness but he realizes that he was the only one making himself unhappy. And that he had taken me for granted for 20yrs and he now knows what he has. But again those are just words I need ACTIONS! Like doing our “ at home” therapy or him going for IC, no I’m not in IC I probably need to be honestly I get triggered so easily, watching a TV/movie where someone is cheating, specific dates,riding by certain places. But of course I’m supposed to be the strong one that can handle anything he just recently said maybe you should go to IC.


Recently D started playing the “i’m 18 card” because she was secretly dating a much older man. I told to think very carefully about playing that card because it signals to me you are a adult which means your parents aren’t going to be footin your bills,laundry, cooking special for you, etc etc... well we all know how this story ends she played the card  threw away her scholarships, she graduated  22 out of 404 , and she is financially supporting her BF, and has since reconnected with MIL. It is more than likely because of financial l needs. But I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over that one! I feel like D and I went through a war the Summer of 2017 and she has since cuddled up to the enemy. MIL is still trying to control from afar she’s trying to sue H because she took it upon herself without his knowledge to go and pay my attorney fees that H was court ordered to pay.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 19785
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconciliation- ish
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2018, 06:47:15 AM »
Oh my gosh Cupid you do have a mil problem, don't you.   :(
Best to stay away from her, you're right.  You D, being an adult, will have to figure this out for herself I'm afraid.

I just have a question, when your MC had to leave for that long a time, did she give you any referrals to talk to someone until she returns?  It seems wrong to leave you two hanging for that long, especially when it sounds like your H really needs the help.

I'm surprised she would do that.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Becoming_simlpy

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 321
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconciliation- ish
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2018, 07:51:15 AM »
The MIL issue is definitely not your monkeys.  Your H will have to solve this problem on his own....tada thank you mlc. A s for your D all we can do as parents at some point is stand back and wipe away the tears.  I am still in Ic started while my spouse was in crisis but I worked on myself 80% of the time which really helped whith recconnectiong stage ....not sure what stage we are in now but we are a we.

I gotta triggered a lot in the beginning  but using tools learned I realised that the emotions of that time in life would suface and being self aware I was able to note that emotions don't last forever but what you do with them can or will. Hope that makes sense.

Try get Ic for yourself, It does make a difference, I  was unable to voice my feelings but learnt to speak up becuase I mattered  enough to be heard. If yoir intention is to just be heard and not to hit your H with a 2×4 then open with I feel.

But welcome it an't easy to be in the later part of Mlc so love and support coming your way.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2018, 07:52:31 AM by Becoming_simlpy »

Offline CupidLied?Topic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Gender: Female
  • Don’t Stop Believing
Re: Reconciliation- ish
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2018, 08:59:00 AM »
Oh my gosh Cupid you do have a mil problem, don't you.   :(
Best to stay away from her, you're right.  You D, being an adult, will have to figure this out for herself I'm afraid.

I just have a question, when your MC had to leave for that long a time, did she give you any referrals to talk to someone until she returns?  It seems wrong to leave you two hanging for that long, especially when it sounds like your H really needs the help.

I'm surprised she would do that.


She said she could refer us to someone else but H didn’t want to start with a new MC...my opinion he’s too embarrassed to retell the story to someone new. As far as MIL she could be on fire and I wouldn’t spit on her to put her out. Last year she threatened to sue me for things H borrowed that I didn’t even know were in the house. She’s lashing out because my FIL says “ think of what she’s losing her BFF and GD” I said has anyone stepped back to think what D and I are losing... they are seriously derranged.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 19785
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconciliation- ish
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2018, 09:02:25 AM »
It certainly sounds like it.   ::)
« Last Edit: December 07, 2018, 09:13:30 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CupidLied?Topic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Gender: Female
  • Don’t Stop Believing
Re: Reconciliation- ish
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2018, 09:11:15 AM »
The MIL issue is definitely not your monkeys.  Your H will have to solve this problem on his own....tada thank you mlc. A s for your D all we can do as parents at some point is stand back and wipe away the tears.  I am still in Ic started while my spouse was in crisis but I worked on myself 80% of the time which really helped whith recconnectiong stage ....not sure what stage we are in now but we are a we.

I gotta triggered a lot in the beginning  but using tools learned I realised that the emotions of that time in life would suface and being self aware I was able to note that emotions don't last forever but what you do with them can or will. Hope that makes sense.

Try get Ic for yourself, It does make a difference, I  was unable to voice my feelings but learnt to speak up becuase I mattered  enough to be heard. If yoir intention is to just be heard and not to hit your H with a 2×4 then open with I feel.

But welcome it an't easy to be in the later part of Mlc so love and support coming your way.


I usually say I feel this or that his automatic response is defense always has been for 20 yrs so then I get triggered he puts up a wall....he did feel like MC was helping I did too because it was someone else holding him accountable guiding the conversation.

Honestly I’m not sure what stage he/we are. We live our life like a normal married couple just like we did before. We don’t fight when we leave MC and if during the week before MC if I want to talk he thinks we can only talk in MC.

I have stepped all the way back from D and I’ll wait for her to fall on her face. I have always taught her get a education so you can stand on your own 2feet and not rely on a man, like every woman in our family. It makes me physically ill to watch her throw her future away I worked so hard to make sure she was set up for success.

H had his crisis Summer 2017
D has hers Summer 2018
Maybe mine will be 2019????

When do I get to just quit life?!?!

I was cleaning our closet yesterday found old Bday, anniversary cards, etc etc( I have always kept all of our cards) and of course I got triggered. It was like looking at a 20yr box full of lies from H and D.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk