Author Topic: My Story Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?  (Read 1752 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #10 on: December 08, 2018, 09:59:56 AM »
Anon,

I'm glad you listened to what Goner and Anjae told you.

Wise words!  You did nothing to drive him away.. he drove himself away.  It would have eventually have happened when he got deeper in his crisis.  It had nothing to do with you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #11 on: December 08, 2018, 10:54:04 AM »
Attaching anon xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Online Treasur

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Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #12 on: December 08, 2018, 10:58:54 AM »
"Treasur, do you really think they don't care what we say or do?"

I honestly don't know, Anon.
It does seem pretty clear to me that it is how they behave often for a long time.
I suspect that the bit of them driving the crisis bus doesn't...or maybe just cares much more about other things.
But I don't know honestly if there is some buried part that does, or still feels any echo of that old love, or even if it's true that most of them eventually want to return.
I think it does for most LBS even those of us who are no longer standing.

I just don't know.

But even if it is true, right now we all have to deal with what is right in front of us and the behaviour we see now.
If that changes, I guess we'll know at some point in the future.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline serenity

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Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #13 on: December 08, 2018, 12:00:09 PM »
Hi Anon,


Please don’t worry about how you handled things. It really really doesn’t matter at the end of the day. They rarely remember anyway

We all worry like this in the beginning but it really is fine. Please never compare yourself to the OW. All they have is a shallow, superficial and empty R. It is nothing like the two of you shared!

X

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #14 on: December 08, 2018, 03:22:27 PM »
I'm with you guys for the most part - that it doesn't matter in the end.  They will be lost to their crisis no matter what we do or don't do.   I also don't want to do something that seems not to matter now but might eventually. 

For example,,, I rarely (ever?) admit to friends and family that I might be open to reconciliation should his MLC resolve.  Mostly I don't admit it because I don't want the arguments or raised eyebrows that often go with such statements but also because it makes me feel just a little bit like a loser to admit I would even think of taking him back after such outrageous behavior.  Along with that,,, I also reveal some details to them that really shouldn't be shared regardless, but definitely shouldn't be shared just in case we ever do reconcile.   So I'm thinking we wouldn't have much support later on from friends and family, thanks to my big mouth now.   They just wouldn't understand how I could give him another chance.   

I see this as a huge blunder in how I've handled things so far.   Despite my awareness of that, I still can't shut up when I need to shut up.  I can think of other examples too where it's not specifically how we handle things between us and our MLCer, but how we have handled things generally, with our friends, family and associates. 

If I could go back and redo anything,,, it would be to not talk as much and not reveal as much as I have.


Offline megogirl

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Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2018, 03:37:07 PM »
but also because it makes me feel just a little bit like a loser to admit I would even think of taking him back after such outrageous behavior.

I felt the same way.....initially.

I had to work through a TON to decide what I could forgive, what my priorities are, etc.  RCR's words helped me immensely with my decision.  Specifically, she wrote: "Do you want your children to know that relationships are not always easy, but they can be healed?"  BINGO!  I realized I just HAD to find a way to Stand.

But, yes...I have questioned my sanity at times, too.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #16 on: December 08, 2018, 03:51:07 PM »
If I could go back and redo anything,,, it would be to not talk as much and not reveal as much as I have.

Hello?!  I admitted to my H's COUSIN, who he is VERY close to, that H had sexually assaulted me. 

Do I regret it?  Yes, and no.  Obviously, it put a damper in any chance for future reconciliation.

But it was TRUE, and said cousin was on the precipice of naming H as the Godfather to her new baby.  I sent a "Hey -- you may just want to know this and this before the baptism happens!"  I gave her the opportunity to bow out.  Do I regret that?  Absolutely not.... 

At the end of the day, these are people that really don't matter that much.  Our spouses, and children, do.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2018, 04:35:25 PM by megogirl »

Offline AnonTopic starter

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Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #17 on: December 08, 2018, 04:17:28 PM »
Quote
RCR's words helped me immensely with my decision.  Specifically, she wrote: "Do you want your children to know that relationships are not always easy, but they can be healed?

That would be great except what if we work so hard to heal the R and it doesn't happen or if heals then falls apart again.  What do the kids think then?  Hopefully, that it was still worth the fight but idk.  Some of these situations can be very hard on the kids.   Like what do they think of the multiple leaves and returns?  That's got to mess with their heads a little. 

Forgiveness is important for everything that happened if the relationship is to heal (and for us to heal regardless), otherwise bitterness and anger ensues and eventually destroys the best of efforts to restore the R.   I have forgiven so much already but it's definitely a work in progress.

To hang onto un-forgiveness is a very big way to mis-handle the crisis.  It actually hurts us more than them.  It's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

And yes,,, completely agree that some circumstances may determine if it is best to speak up rather than stay quiet.  But that implies being selective and revealing things for good reason.   My blunder is more the indiscriminate type of blabbing.   I've stopped that for the most part but it still leaks out every so often.

 








 


Offline OffRoad

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Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #18 on: December 08, 2018, 04:40:56 PM »
OffRoad - it's good to be true to yourself in most cases but with this situation if I was going to be true to myself I would have said and done many many things wrong, like cry, plead, apply logic, lash out etc etc.   Overall I like how I've handled myself even if I've had to restrain myself at times.  It's kept the drama down and helped me move forward.
Fwiw, I still don't think any of those things are "wrong." If they are how you felt, then you get to feel that way and own it. But there is a difference between feeling that way and acting on it, too. If you like how you've handled yourself, and don't feel like you've ever done something that you feel disrespects yourself or leaves you feeling like a doormat, then you have been true to yourself and what you believe. Or if you've made a mistake, you learn from it and move forward.

I don't think there is a "wrong". There is only what we have done and what we do. And what we may want to do differently moving forward. That seems to be where you are, deciding what you may want to do differently moving forward. IMO, that should be based on you and what you want and need for yourself, not contingent on your MLCer( or his OWS) perception of your actions.

As to your friends and family, unless you completely shut yourself off from them, they can see the crazy. They wouldn't understand anyone taking back someone for a lot less than all the crazy we have experienced. Once my H walked away, none of my family would have understood taking him back. A decent person doesn't just up and leave. And there wasn't even an OW in my case. They just wonder why I'd want such a self centered jerk back. Why set myself up for more of the same? Anyone on the outside can't really understand unless they have been there.

Again, we can't go back, but we can learn if we want to change something.  What do you want to do differently? What kinds of things might you now do that will keep you from looking back and saying, "I wish I had/hadn't done xxxx"?
« Last Edit: December 08, 2018, 04:42:05 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Handling the crisis: Have I blown it?
« Reply #19 on: December 08, 2018, 05:20:02 PM »
Since you are interested in the Jungian view, I feel you might be interested in some of my 4am musings about the shadow.  In my case, I have mostly seen good H and been aware that there is another H in operation with ow.  I don't have much info about their R but the things I have heard make me think that she and I are seeing a totally different guy. 

More recently, during the odd R talk that we have had, I have seen some smooth talking kind of sleazy behaviour from him that I have never seen before.  It's not horribly obvious at the time but I wake the next morning feeling a little slimed and acknowledging that he actually said nothing of substance the night before.  In ow land, they have now had several break ups and it appears that H has to work a little harder to keep her on the hook.

Where there were fairly clear distinctions between the versions on him, now they seem to be merging a little.  I get a little more shadow and she gets a little more of the good H because he's not done with her and is trying hard to keep her around.  It occurred to me at 4am that this is supposed to happen.  In the final and integrated version of H, I imagine that some of the shadow will stay (albeit better understood and managed) and some of the good guy (hopefully the people pleaser) will go.

Looking at this from a purely detached view makes sense to me but from the point of view of an LBS, it could be a point of panic. It may seem like they have finally gone to the dark side and will be lost to us forever.  I don't ever want to see the good boy mask again if its not who he really is (when no one is looking).  For a while there, it made me miss him and it made no sense why he couldn't be that person all the time.  I feel like I can let him go without panicking so much now because its really not personal - he is a human under construction.

I can remember a story an ow once told me about how, after a long period of time, it appeared that her boyfriend was finally ready to move in with her.  He pulled out of that arrangement the day before and went back to his wife.  This story seems to fit in with the ow seemingly getting a better version as time goes on.  It's probably something that we have very little info on here on the forum because we don't hear from ow's.  It does make me wonder if its more common than we think for the ow to have the rug pulled out from under them just when it appears that they are finally about to get what they wanted??  Not sure if this rings a bell to anyone else reading along?
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D16 and S15

 

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