Author Topic: My Story Jumping Back Into the Pool  (Read 2959 times)

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starter

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My Story Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #130 on: February 11, 2019, 09:39:16 AM »
I wrote to a forum friend recently and, with apologies to my friend and to the rest of the forum, I'm going to re-post part of what I wrote because I don't have the energy to write it more than once.

Quote
I was in a minor car accident a week ago last Friday while I was on my way to therapy. I passed a guy who was driving about 20 mph below the speed limit. When I was almost past him he sped up, making it difficult for me to get back into the right lane, then tailgated me for about 2 miles to the next intersection. While I was sitting at the intersection waiting to turn right he drove his SUV into the side of my car.

I was really angry because I suspected he hit my car on my purpose so I went back to his car and yelled at him. I said "What the F*** is wrong with you?", then I saw that the guy was about 80 yo and could barely see over the steering wheel. He mumbled something about me passing him in a non-passing zone (not true), and stuck his tongue out at me. It was absurd.

Things have been weird with my wife. Last Friday she picked up a check from the lawyer for her share of our house. I know she was looking forward to getting it because she wants to replace her truck.

So on Monday she wrote to me saying that she heard I had yelled at some old guy. In my response, I joked about it. Our conversation eventually turned to her search for a new vehicle. She always hated shopping for cars. Every vehicle she has ever owned, I bought for her.

I've always enjoyed car shopping. I enjoy chatting with the car salesmen. I've told people that I like car salesmen because they almost always send me birthday and Christmas cards. My wife didn't care for sitting around while I visited with the car salesmen.

So I suggested that she might enjoy car shopping more now, meaning she would probably have more fun shopping with the om than she did with me. She wrote back to say no, she wouldn't, and then floored me when she added that she needs somebody who will do it for her.

I don't know if she was hinting that she would like me to help, but I wrote back and told her that I have heard she has a lot of friends now. I suggested one of her friends would probably be happy to help and, if not, I'm sure our D and SIL would be more than happy to help her. I haven't heard from her since.

I expected the om would help her find a new vehicle but maybe that isn't going to happen. She finally seems to be realizing that he's dumber than a pet rock. The om has a fairly new diesel pickup truck. My wife was telling our daughter that she asked the om while the weather was bitter cold last week whether he was going to plug in his truck. I guess he told her his truck didn't have to be plugged in but my wife said he was wrong because it froze up or something.

I posted this for 2 reasons.

First, because I thought everything would be roses and sunshine between my wife and the om after she picked up her check last week but I would say that can't be true if she can't count on him to help her shop for a car and she's telling our daughter about his screwups. I don't think a relationship is working out very well if one of the people in the relationship doesn't respect the other.

Second, it's been almost 5 years and it doesn't look like my wife has made much progress, if any, since she still doesn't feel capable of doing something like buying a car on her own.

Online Treasur

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Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #131 on: February 11, 2019, 01:44:14 PM »
And can I add a thought Brain? What you posted absolutely sounded like she was dropping hints...and you DID NOT rush in to be her knight in shining armour. Quite rightly bc she fired you from the h job but that's by the by. What struck me is that this is a huge shift from the past and a sign of your real progress in detaching and accepting a painful new normal you never wanted. Idk if it seems so to you, but that seems like a pretty big deal to me from over here in the cheap seats xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Anjae

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Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #132 on: February 11, 2019, 03:29:24 PM »
Nothing will make your wife life with OM be roses and sunshine. Not even a nice check.

Five years is a long time, but there are many years with MLCers whose crisis has been going on for much longer who also don't show much, if any progress.

Treasur may be right. Maybe your wife was dropping hints. If so, good you didn't jump to solve things for her. 
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #133 on: February 11, 2019, 06:37:47 PM »
MB, I have to totally agree with Treasur, but was hesitant to say it, as not to offend you.

I was so proud of you not falling for her hint that you should help her.

She needs to see her reality, which is that this asswipe of an om is not going to take care of her like you did and maybe it's time she starts seeing this.

That's all I'll say.   :)

Hugs

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starter

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Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #134 on: February 11, 2019, 07:14:28 PM »
Thanks Thunder and Treasur.

I can understand why my wife would want me to help her buy a car. Every car she's ever had I bought for her and I would be happy to buy this one for her too but I realize that she fired me and that isn't my job anymore.

While I was driving our granddaughter home from dance class tonight I realized that in 2 months she'll be the same age my wife was on our wedding day. And my granddaughter has had two boyfriends now, which is one more than my wife had had when we married. No wonder she decided she was ready for a change. I think my granddaughter is more grownup now than my wife was at her age. I think my granddaughter may even be more grownup than my wife is now. I don't think my granddaughter would have a problem going out and buying her own car right now if she had the money.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #135 on: February 11, 2019, 07:32:13 PM »
Sadly, you are probably right, BM.
But there is not a thing you can do about it.  As fixers, this is very hard for us to stand down, but we must.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #136 on: February 11, 2019, 08:00:28 PM »
It appears that your therapist who listens to all your parts is helping all of your components. The house is taken care of. You have stepped back and not only not volunteered to help find a car, but deftly sent the ball back into her court. You have noticed that your GD is likely more mature than her grandmother.

I am quite proud of you, MBIB.

Diesels don't freeze, unless she meant the radiator, but the fuel will gel at under 32 degrees. You still don't plug them in, you put in an additive to keep it from gelling.  Sounds like they don't actually converse, or she doesn't pay attention to what he says or he really is a moron. Very odd not to know how to maintain your vehicle in the freezing weather.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #137 on: February 11, 2019, 09:40:09 PM »
My H used to plug in his diesel (work ) truck.  Something to do with a block heater and the glow plugs?  If he didn't plug it in during this cold Colorado weather, his truck would not start.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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Offline MyBrainIsBrokenTopic starter

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Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #138 on: February 12, 2019, 08:37:03 AM »
Diesels usually have a block heater that keeps the antifreeze warm which also keeps the engine warm. Diesel engines are high compression engines and a lot of power is required to start them, even in moderate weather. When the weather drops below 0F they can be impossible to start without plugging them in so that the engine stays warm. Cold weather degrades battery performance so some people also use various methods to keep the batteries warm (diesels often have more than one).

I think it goes without saying that the om is a moron. It also seems that he doesn't think my wife knows much. He's wrong about that. She isn't book smart but she is very street smart, more so than me. I am book smart but I'm not very street smart. We made a good couple.

http://knowhow.napaonline.com/using-diesel-block-heater/



« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 09:10:35 AM by MyBrainIsBroken »

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Jumping Back Into the Pool
« Reply #139 on: February 12, 2019, 10:39:49 PM »
So this is different from the diesel 3/4 ton I owned. Mine had these glow plugs from hades and two seemingly indestructible batteries. It would start in the freezing Utah winters without ever needing to be plugged in to anything. You just needed to keep the fuel from gelling. Learn something new every day.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

 

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