Author Topic: My Story One year post BD  (Read 1708 times)

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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My Story One year post BD
« on: December 12, 2018, 12:03:06 PM »
Third thread as my last post hit 150 replies. I’m not as tech savvy as I should be and can’t work out how to attach previous threads so I’ll do a recap for everyone new and old.

It’s been just a few weeks over a year since bomb drop. During this year MLcer has been pretty much with OW the whole time. They have split twice in a year but never lasted longer than a day I don’t think. I don’t ask many questions.

My MLCer is relatively nice in fairness. Pays a hell of a lot of my bills, helps out with children. Attempts to find odd jobs around the house when he can. If he can’t he tends to put my bins out for me 😂 He attempts to be intimate with me maybe once twice a week. Only a few times have I failed to be strong and refuse so a few times we have been intimate. OW does know of this. OW is a bit of a strange lady tbf. She attempts to get into my social media and copies my outfits posts etc etc.

We have three small children ages 7,4 and 2 which makes it a bit hard to totally detach from him for the children’s sake anyway.

Under normal circumstances I think I’ve been quite well in handling him. I just admit recently I’ve slipped out and think I might get drawn in to him. So I’ll be spending my evening in a bubble bath rereading this site to make sure I stay detached and crack on properly.

I would say I was standing BUT I am not sure how long I will be standing for as I feel the longer this goes on the more independence and confidence I gain the less I feel like I’m happy to return to him.

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9799.0
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 04:50:47 PM by Thunder »
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online megogirl

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2018, 05:04:06 PM »
I hope that you can find it within you to stay the course, if only for these very tiny souls.

My viewpoint is semi-frowned upon here - that to stay together for your children's benefit is wrong - for (fill-in-the-blank) reason.

It is a long, hard road but I believe it will be well worth it....X 5
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 05:40:01 PM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2018, 05:24:33 PM »
sachet,

Apparently, your H is not done with you yet or he would be gone.
He is not totally in the tunnel yet.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with being intimate with your H, unless you feel used or bad afterwards.  That is a choice for you to make.

I would just caution you, if he is being intimate with both of you please protect yourself.

You have no idea who all she has been with, and know who ever she has been with is a threat to your health.

My niece learned the hard way.  The man she was seeing contracted a disease, unknown to him, and she is now living with that for the rest of her life.
Just don't think it can't happen to you.

Just be very careful.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anon

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2018, 05:31:51 PM »
Quote
I would say I was standing BUT I am not sure how long I will be standing for as I feel the longer this goes on the more independence and confidence I gain the less I feel like I’m happy to return to him.

I can relate to this statement.  I have the independence down pretty much and with every additional month out from bomb drop I gain a little more confidence. 

We don't have kids together so we don't have that to consider.  If I did, I would consider consulting with a professional regarding the impact on the kids of standing as opposed to moving on.  Since the two should look almost identical to an outside observer and probably kids as well, I'm not sure it matters.  But best consult with a professional (or the alumni members here) because I'm certainly no expert. 


Online Limboland2018

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2018, 12:57:02 AM »
Hi sachat3..

Your story interests me as I have a young daughter aswell. At bomb drop she was only 2 1/2 years old. He moved out. Actually he moved us to a new country 4 months beforehand then decided to abandon us. Financially he is still providing but emotionally and physically he is not present. Our bomb drop is coming up to a year - January 2018.

It’s so hard with young children as you can’t completely let go. My husband is going away for two weeks holiday (I think to meet other woman although he denies having a relationship) but he has to text me to keep in contact with her. I just wish I could cut him off completely and move forward with my life.

My husband doesn’t want to have sex with me. He hasn’t for over a year. He’s not attracted to me which is obvious. Tbh I look good for my age and receive many compliments.....I haven’t let myself go for want of a better word. I’m not sure what I would do if he wanted to have sex with me while dating someone else. I don’t know if I could handle it.

I’m moving forward with the financial separation to protect myself and my daughter. I would love to be a family again..that is my greatest wish but he has made it perfectly clear he doesn’t love me anymore and there is “nothing salvageable in our relationship”. I do believe in family and that is why I have “stood” for the relationship but as time goes by I’m feeling that there is a good life waiting for my daughter and I once he’s gone. If I didn’t have a child I think I would have let him go a number of months ago. But when you go through these crisis you work out what is important...and family is important to me. However I totally understand how you feel in regards to your new found independence.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2017 moves out
November 2017 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2017 - meeting up with her for holiday

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2018, 01:37:04 AM »
Thank you everyone for your responses.

I think that’s the biggest struggle, because I do love him and he shows signs of feeling similar to me and again I would love to be a family again. I think everyone around me knows that too. I also think he’s similar too as he doesn’t want to do things separately. For example, despite him living next door despite him moving out and being in a relationship he got very emotional the other week when our middle daughter (4 years old) drew a picture of her family without him in it. He also wants to keep Christmas gifts etc together and not do a “this is from mum” “this is from dad” type thing.
He was also very family orientayed before this. Was very keen to be “family man” “man of the house” etc. He’s also not told people of our separation. It was only the other week in our local shop someone made a comment about me and H having a romantic night in and I said “were not together” and despite talking to him a few times a week they had no idea.

As a whole he is very complimentary towards me. Not really had much monster but he’s very keen to tell me I’m the best mother around and he won’t have children with OW or anyone else because they won’t be as good a mother as me and that I’m as close to perfection as I can get.

Despite all this I have to prepare myself that, there is the chance he may not want to reunite further in life.

He has been prescribed anti depressants and as far as I’m aware he has been taking them. We are protected when we have been intimate due to the fact none of us want any more children. But during the intimate sessions it’s not a case of just sex as he is very non sexual touchy feely and also keen to kiss and cuddle. I don’t feel used or bad after being intimate I just want to protect my feelings I guess as I don’t want to be intimate and forget to detach etc and then for him to never come back type thing. Where as right now I feel I’m alright with detaching. I also know I’m lucky that OW has not met my children as far as I’m aware she hasn’t even met Hs mother. She doesn’t go to the house he lives so he keeps her very separate. Almost like he’s living two lives.
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2018, 06:45:29 AM »
My 2 kids are just a little older than yours (11 and 7) so I can relate.... In my case, STBXW wants to "play Happy family" while divorcing.

That is a screenplay that I just can not participate in. I guess that would be the epitome of cake eating... Pretending to be a "family" to the outside world while not being one. As far as anything physical goes, that died off long before ABD Dec 2015 so it is a non-issue. I limit my contact to her to stuff having to do with the kids and that is all. Her D is grinding it's way through the German Court System will the amazing speed of a herd of turtles, mostly because of her not responding to requests for information in a timely manner.

We do, however, have Christmas Eve together and the kids Birthdays so there are some similarities...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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Online megogirl

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2018, 07:27:40 AM »
he got very emotional the other week when our middle daughter (4 years old) drew a picture of her family without him in it.

Proof-positive that they are totally incapable of removing their head from their ass(es).  Because you'd *think* this would bother him so badly that he just WOULD!

And it's this gut-wrenching type of thing that encourages my Stand even more....
« Last Edit: December 13, 2018, 07:28:48 AM by megogirl »

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2018, 02:34:05 PM »
Tonight we got into a bit of a heated conversation. Once I realised that in effect we were arguing over OW. I stopped straight away and was calm and kept saying “I’m not arguing with u”

So recently it was OW birthday. I know this because today I received a random message off a fake profile (profile was made 4 minutes before messaging me) which said “you do know H spent £800 on OW birthday present don’t you” normally I wouldn’t be bothered but as of yet well as I was aware he hadn’t bought our children any as presents. However, he was adamant to show me he didn’t in fact spent that amount of money. And he also showed me receipts of the items he paid for our children’s Christmas presents. What did strike me as odd was he was so adamant to prove he didn’t spend that money on her. Promising on his dads ashes. Showing me his bank statements etc etc. Now I have no idea who sent this message to me, but I am fairly sure it was OW. Purely due to the fact that H let slip that OW did receive off her parents a £800 handbag and had posted a photo on social media. I had no idea about this BUT whenever anything happens between them that could cause an argument between me and him. I get a message about it. And the common demonstrations are me OW and H and I know I didn’t send the message. I know H wouldn’t have so I can only assume it was OW trying to cause a rift.

What did make me chuckle is H seems to be attempting to “get in my good books” since this disagreement. Despite me ending it with saying “as long as you buy  the things I asked you too. I don’t care what you spend on OW” which I really don’t.

When putting the children to bed H was in our oldest daughters bedroom giving her a kiss and cuddle and I was in the other girls bedroom. And was coming into our oldest daughters bedroom. I said to our daughter “I’m coming now to give you a cuddle and kiss” as I walked into the room H was still there and he said “giving me a cuddle and kiss?” I simply ignored him and gave our daughter a cuddle and kiss.
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2018, 02:36:50 PM »
I must admit due to the wage H is on and his child like ways to saving money. I did think £800 on a handbag was a lot as that’s almost a months wage to him but from what I can gather OW is used to this type of gifts. H also has poor credit and is unable to get credit cards in his name.
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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