Author Topic: My Story One year post BD  (Read 1704 times)

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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My Story Re: One year post BD
« Reply #110 on: January 10, 2019, 01:35:15 AM »
Soo I spent a lot of time last night thinking about where I could go and what I could do. I’ve not been out of England since 2010 so you can imagine my list of places I want to visit is sky high.


Then as luck would have it, late night I couldn’t sleep and was browsing Facebook. And as Facebook seems to be giving me lots of adverts for things I’ve been looking at it, it was very handy. Because a advert popped up for return flights to Dublin for just £35!!! I couldn’t miss that so I’ve booked my flights. Looks like sacha is going to Ireland! I will find a hotel on booking.com too!


As it stands, this trip will be a solo trip. One of my good girl friends is potentially coming but being totally truthful I’m looking forward to doing this alone.
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #111 on: January 10, 2019, 09:32:51 PM »
I'm jealous, but in a good way!  I hope you enjoy your weekend away.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #112 on: January 11, 2019, 01:36:08 AM »
Thankyou! I must admit it’s shocked me, but as he is away the week after on Thursday Friday. He comes back Saturday to take children to his mums (so I’ve got the weekend of 26th free Aswell) I can only imagine he’s over compensating.

Yesterday we had literally zero contact with him. As me and the children were going to my mums for a birthday tea for D5. We didn’t get home till nearly 9pm so it was very much a case of straight home and to bed. What is funny is H went out last night cos he said “oh if your not here I’ll go out then” which is unlike him as he usually is very much “I’m going out on this day. Deal with it”

So H has been taking the children over to his for the past three days after he finishes work. And for the past three days the children have been absolute nightmares at bedtime because their routine is so shot as he isn’t getting home until 5:30-6pm. Which in turn has the kids refusing to settle straight away and also waking up a few times until 1am. And D2 will not settle at all. She’s been waking up continually until 8am. So I told H when he came over this morning from now on on his days in work if he wants to see the children he can see them at my house and he can participate in their bedtime routine not just in the playing with toys side of things. On his day off he can take them to his for tea or whatever but they need to be back and having their bedtime routine at a Decent time. He really did not seem happy about that but quite frankly I don’t care. I’m not dealing with the aftermath of children waking all night etc when he gets a nice peace filled sleep with no cares in the world.

Now for a long time I’ve suspected that deep inside H wants me to actually tell OW all about the shinanigans of 2018 as he would say things like “don’t forget to take your photos. Get your evidence” in a sarcastic tone and he would continuously make comments like “oh if your gonna blab just blab” he even had a habit of taking photos and videos of me without me knowing at the time. Not rude ones, just like if I had my headphones on and would sing and dance H would video me and then at the end about “rar” to scare me. Which again is something couples would do. And I was just confirming the days and times he was going to be having the children so I could fully plan my weekends and My actual words to him were “when is it hour having the children” and he said “why so you can ruin my break away” I didn’t even respond.

As H was getting the children’s school coats on he picked up one of my coats. It’s fairly new but I wore it in front of H the other day, now remember I lost my coat on NYE and H told me to buy a new one 🤣 and he said “who’s coat is this?” D7 said it’s mummys. mummy has this coat and that coat. So H said “two coats? We will have to call her two coat mummy” he then walked into the kitchen and I was smirking a bit and he said “go on what?” I said “nothing I just had a smart reply” he said “what’s that?” So I said “two coat mummy is better than two timing daddy”. He wasn’t happy and walked away ha!

I’m also feeling super strong right now ha! So we have had no form of intimate contact the whole of 2019 and the usual trigger used to be when H came over in the morning if I was wearing my PJs would be how he would make comments etc and I would end up succumbing. Anyway it’s 9:28am. I’m still in my PJs. H has taken the children to school and he went back to his house. I text and asked if he had 10 minutes to spare. I just needed him to get cash out for me as I had a fresh fruit and veg box being delivered today but no cash in the house. When he came over I was lay in bed in my PNs on my phone checking other threads on HS 🤣 he walked in and said “Oh I thought it was a trap then to get some rudies” and he said it with a smirk. And I looked him dead in the face and said “No”
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online One day at a time

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #113 on: January 11, 2019, 05:19:33 AM »
Even if you feel that your H wants you to tell OW about what happened between you 2, I would stay far away from that.. It just adds to the drama and it will solve nothing. OW is your H's mess, he needs to deal with it, not you.. Personally, I wouldn't be intimate with my H if I knew he had a relationship with someone.. If he's getting some action from 2 women, why would he ever get his act together? Win win for him!

Just wondering, why would you contact your H to get you money from the ATM? Do you not have access to the account? I understand you will have a lot of contact with him because your children are very young but I would stop asking for things or engaging him for things that have nothing to do with the children.

I remember when my H was still living with me, I had to drop my car over for a service. I walked from the garage back home and when he realized what was after happening, he told me "I could have given you a lift". My answer was "Well, you won't be around for much longer so I have to get used to doing things without your help" I don't know how he felt about it and I really didn't care.. I wasn't going to relieve his guilt by accepting acts of service.

No criticism, just food for thought!  ;)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #114 on: January 11, 2019, 08:13:23 AM »
Oh no I have no intention of telling her or intact communicating with her in any way shape or form. If he wants her to find out what has happened then it comes from him. Not me. I’m not doing the dirty work so to speak for him.

That’s exactly the reason I stopped being intimate with him. Because realistically he was getting the best of both worlds. I won’t lie, it was hard not too because in some ways it’s still so natural  but it was a plaster that needed ripping off so to speak.

I probably didn’t make it clear. I asked him if he had ten minutes so he came over and as D2 D5 and D7 has been causing  havoc all night. Mainly D2 as she woke up every hour or so. She was asleep so I gave him the option to either watch D2 so I could go to the ATM or he could go to the ATM and I would stay with D2. And he chose to go to the ATM
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #115 on: January 12, 2019, 12:53:24 PM »
So what I am noticing more and more. The more distanced I am from h the more he comes to me. It’s odd because I think one of the reasons I tried to avoid being so distant from him was I didn’t want to loose him completely but it appears he’s found ways to come over etc.

So today is Saturday which is my “child free day” so to speak. H came over around 9:30-10, he never set a time but did say morning. H was stood in my kitchen when I got down as D7 had opened the door to him. H was carrying his overnight bag, a carrier bag and some boxes of shoes. I looked at the shoes and said “Why are they here?” And he said “I’ve just off the train and came straight over”....Here’s what’s odd 1) why was he on the train. I know his car is broke but OW drives...surely it makes sense for her to have dropped him off? This is the third time he’s been on public transport and she’s not driven him. Which seems very one sided as I know H has driven her places etc. And 2) why come straight to mine? He lives next door. Surely it makes more sense to drop your belongings and then come over? I asked were the shoes new. He showed me them. They were not new so I’m not sure why they are in boxes?! He then went to dump his stuff and came back for the children. Whilst he was away I for the girls ready etc. I was still in my PJs at this point. When H returned I was on the sofa and he said “you going out today?” I looked at him and just said I didn’t know. I knew I wasn’t going out as today is the day I was redecorating my kitchen but I didn’t want to tell H that. H took the girls and off he went to get the bus.

Once H was gone I popped to the shops. I saw him and the children at bus stop so I said hello to the children. Their bus came so once they were on it I let them wave to me. I went shop and carried on with my day. It then dawned on me I needed a chisel but I remembered buying one before BD as me and H were shopping and they had a pink tool kit so I got it. So I texted H and asked did he have my chiselers as it wasn’t with the tools i had. It was annoying that I had to text him as then it gave the game away as to what I was doing and I didn’t want him to know. I certainly didn’t want the children to know as I thought it would be a nice surprise for them they come back tomorrow Low and behold when they came back D7 was at the door so was everybody as apparently D7 and D4 wanted some toys. So they could see the new kitchen in progress. H couldn’t find the chisel so instead of taking the tiles off I papered over them. To look at you actually can’t tell which shocked me but it’s only temporary anyway as in 2020 my landlord is fitting w new kitchen.

H found many many excuses to pop in throughout the day “Just need some juice” “Just need some nappies” “D7 wants X” “D5 wants X”.

The kitchen was complete and I sat down with a cup of tea and a Slice of D5 birthday cake and started watching my TV. H came in AGAIN for a teddy for D2. I’m not sure why because D2 isn’t fond of teddies and it wasn’t even bedtime. I put my phone on charge in the kitchen and carries on watching TV. I then heard my phone ringing so I ran for it. It was H on FaceTime. I can’t understand why he FaceTimed me because he never said nothing and D2 was just babbling down the phone. Now D2 is non verbal. She’s on the autistic spectrum and is yet to say a clear word with meaning. H knows this and he said “I thought she might talk if she saw you” I’m not sure why but okay. About 30 minutes later H is back AGAIN. I think he picked up that I was getting agitated because he said “just grabbing some PJs and I’ll be gone” he grabbed the PJs and wasn’t gone. He sat on the sofa and said “D7 said you have taken a nice photo of D2” I have so I showed him it and sent it to him. I will admit the photo is a especially cute one. So cute in fact I made it my profile pic on Facebook. He then showed me photos he had taken from the day. I said to him “you done now. Can I watch TV” and he got up and went to leave. As he walked through the kitchen he said “wow it looks so much bigger” and it does. The kitchen is a small space anyway and the tiles I papered over, were black and the wallpaper is a very very light grey. So it does really open up the room. He then said (this REALLY shocked me) “you’ve done a good job in here. Well done” now since H has been gone I’ve done the livingroom dining room, porch, both girls room, my room and bathroom. Not once has he said that. He then followed with “who needs men hey” to which I replied “not me. I don’t need a man for anything”.

I’m writing this from my bathtub at 8:45pm as I am just so tired. The day has worn me out! I won’t get the children back until 11am tomorrow so I will enjoy a good sleep!!

I must admit I’m very proud of myself as now the only room left to do is the hall stairs and landing and then every room is different to before BD
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #116 on: January 14, 2019, 11:53:14 AM »
So there isn’t much to report on MLC front. Hs car is broken beyond repair so he will be without a car for a while. As OW doesn’t come this way, it will mean they spend less and less time together as H has to get public transport to see her HA! H did try prizing out or me what I’m doing with my childfree weekend but I was wise and answered no questions.

But a throw away comment from an old friend today got me thinking. Do any of you LBS feel like your potentially having your own mini midlife crisis. I feel like the person I am post BD is so different now. In a much more positive way Ofcourse. I feel I’ve gained confidence etc but my life is completely different. I dyed my hair jet black and found it suits me so much more. I’ve taught myself how to apply makeup and I use better quality products. I give myself pamper nights and self care is now high on my priority list. I’ve ready more books in the 1 year since BD than the 8 years of our relationship. I’ve got a social circle I can count on. I do things by myself that I would never dream of doing. Before BD I wouldn’t even go to the super market alone. Now I’m planning a trip to Dublin alone! I’ve had my tongue and nose pierced since and I’ve gotten tattoos too. I do feel like I’m a Sacha2.0 🤣
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online One day at a time

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #117 on: January 14, 2019, 02:57:05 PM »
H did try prizing out or me what I’m doing with my childfree weekend but I was wise and answered no questions.
Good! Keep him guessing  ;D


Do any of you LBS feel like your potentially having your own mini midlife crisis.
I do wonder this myself from time to time... I also feel I have a lot of escape and avoid behaviors. I go out more, I'm spending a lot of time with new friends.. I still see old friends but it takes 3 months to organize a get together with them, my new friends are more available!! I also started doing things I never did before.. including some DIY  :o   But at the same time I also feel I'm in a fog.. Time is going by and nothing seems real.. It's like my head thinks all of this is temporary and normal service will resume.... at some point!

I actually found a thread on LBS stages that I started to read.. I'm hoping to find some answers there  ;D  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2625.0;all
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #118 on: January 14, 2019, 03:26:23 PM »
Yes it’s funnt because in some ways. I feel stronger. I’ve started my own tanning business. Don’t DIY in the house, I was always a very much “H will you hang that picture” person whereas now I grab the bull by the horns. But at the same time I’m weaker. H sent me a text a few months back that said “love you” still to this day he hasn’t said “that wasn’t meant for you” it was only recently that I stopped obsessing over it. I even had the screenshot on my phone until I got a new one. I still feel this is temporary. I didn’t tell anyone we split until weeks after BD as I was so assured it was temporary and would “blow over” and to some extent I still think like that.

Oh I have no intention of telling him anything.  It’s funnt because getting answers out of blantant “what are you doing” doesn’t work anymore. He’s tried being a bit more sly and saying things like “will you be around incase I need X Y and Z” and I just reply with “I’ll make sure kids have enough to pay you” “oh so your away away then” *no response*

I was recently watching videos on business strategy using social media as that’s the best way for me to advertise my spray tanning and hairdressing as it free etc and it said to have a open social media accounts. So my Instagram is now open. So far I’ve onlt posted about fake tan solution but I expect to see lots of random accounts watching what I’m doing now. 🤣
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline sachat3Topic starter

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Re: One year post BD
« Reply #119 on: January 16, 2019, 01:15:49 AM »
So my personal Instagram has been public for two days now. And whilst it’s been very good for business as I’ve bagged myself two new clients AND I’ve had so many people asking me questions. They were friends of friends etc but I guess that’s how these things spread. As I mainly share photos of my children there were some photos I’ve archived as I’m happy sharing them with family and friends but not the world. I’m not sure if I’ll keep my personal Instagram open. But I’m trialling it to see how it helps my business and see if it’s worth it. But I have noticed some people who work with H as OW have been viewing my story. I smile because they probably expected to get some real juicy gossip but all the got was a picture of my new tanning solution delivery.

I have H on my Facebook but as he deactivated Facebook it was hard to delete him. But I’ve long suspected that he activates. Has a snoop. Deactivated again. So he can fly under the radar. And on Sunday I watched “notorious” on Netflix about Conor mcgregor. I was then on the phone to a girlfriend and we were talking and I said “shut ya f*ckin mouth you’ll do nothing” like Conor and when I was off the phone H asked about said film.

Over Christmas when D7 has her iPad I made her a Instagram so she can follow Justin briber and keep up to date. Anyway last night h noticed D7 on Instagram and he got the iPad off her and spent the time watching my Instagram. I explained to H there was a reason he was blocked he had no need to see what I was posting. H replied with “just want to check tour not slagging me off” I explained 1) I don’t airu dirty laundry on social media like some people, he rolled his eyes knowing I was talking about Ow and secondly it’s been over a year. I had no reason to slag him off. And he said “it’s okay then” and asked if D7 was taking her iPad to his over the weekend. I was originally going to block myself from D7/ insta so over the weekend h can’t see what I’m doing but now I’m debating letting him see. Letting him see that I get on just fine without him, letting him see my life carries on with or without him. And now I don’t know what’s best?

Before he left H made gestures to us being intimate again. I looked him dead in the face and said “no” he seemed taken aback that now his past few advances had been shot down. H then said “Oh yeah you don’t do that anymore do you” and I responded with “not with you no” his face was honestly a picture 🤣 I have no interest or being intimate with anyone else but he doesn’t need to know that does he
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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