Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer Need some advice...  (Read 663 times)

Online strongFaith34Topic starter

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Interacting with Your MLCer Need some advice...
« on: December 12, 2018, 07:14:39 PM »
MLCer showed signs of reconnection for a few weeks after 3.5 years of avoiding me, during those few weeks MLCer began to act like his old self, being considerate with talks about reconciling.

 Usually I have not seen his old self resurface for more than a day or a few hours, so to see consistent reconnecting behavior for a few weeks was surprising to me.

Soon after MLCer began talking about feeling numb, and is back to the distancing. How should I treat him during this time? Should I be reaching out or distancing myself and moving on with my life.... a bit sad to see his old caring self resurface for a few weeks, and then dissapear again.


« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 07:19:58 PM by strongFaith34 »

Offline Anon

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2018, 07:41:44 PM »
It’s possibly a reconnection which is characterized by some retreating before resuming.   Or it might have been a longer touch and go but not quite at the reconciliation stage.   

You may have already read this article about reconnection, but if not here is the link:

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_coming-and-going_touch-and-goes-and-reconnection_reconnection.html

Whatever it is, touch and go or reconciliation, time will tell but don’t get hopes and expectations up. 

Offline Treasur

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2018, 10:05:31 PM »
I guess all you can do is stay your course, keep doing whatever it was you were doing before he popped up and away again. Read the articles if it helps to remind yourself that it is his crisis, in his head and that anything he does is driven by that not by you.

Most folks says it is hard to judge if it is a touch and go or the beginning of some kind of reconnection at the time. That you often only know looking back, strongfaith. So let it be, let go of any reawakened monkeys in your brain and see how things unfold is my best take fwiw.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline 1trouble

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2018, 01:23:43 AM »
Strongfaith


I would take Treasur's advice..............I am one of those Treasur mentions about not knowing if its a true reconnection until you look back because that's what I believe if my experience is to go by and others on here...

I had a similar experience with my MLC'er last year, he was regularly in touch, talkative and a little candid and seemed to be more like his old self it went on for 7 weeks and then bang....he was gone....it hurt me a lot tbh but it taught me a lot too....because looking back I can see there were a lot of red flags that showed he wasn't really himself and because I wanted him to be so much I ignored those and got hurt.  I am also aware now that my MLC'er becomes melancholic around anniversary times now (he wasn't at all for the first two years) and so I am on my guard this year

I am on the same timeline as you and my MLC'er has started to show real emotions in the last couple of months, he wrote a letter to our dog (that may sound crazy in itself )but we couldn't have children and our dog was our 'child' .  The dog has ill and he is getting old now so to me it was touching to see my MLC'er be the man I use to know the kind sentimental emotional man, he cried a lot the last time we were together and the letter was a very emotional one that made me cry too.....................but then he went off again......for 5 weeks...…

We have just spoken the other day for the first time in 5 weeks but there were one or two things he said which were huge red flags for me and make me realise he is still very much in crisis, even if he does sound more like the man I knew

The best advice I have read wasn't on here, it was from Job on Divorcebusting…..she said to treat them like a wild colt, let them come to you, any sudden movement will send them scurrying away again...…

That analogy is perfect for MLC IMO.....trouble is its very hard to do because expectation rears its head especially when the communication seems consistent and you 'see' the person you love for a while...….

So to summarise what I would say is keep getting on with your life, be strong and resolute and show him exactly what he is missing.

Enjoy every second of every day with those people who want to be with you and have supported you through this...

Make plans for a lovely Christmas and don't contact your MLC'er let him do the running, if you start to contact him, then its seen as pressure believe me the slightest thing can send the off ...........

If he talks about the future just listen, but don't join in or suggest things in the short term or for the future............as it seems its ok for them to do this, but as soon as we start they don't like it!!!

Keep the time you have together and the conversations you have light and stay away from any difficult subjects....

Don't read anything into his actions, there is no logic to all of this and all the stuff in the articles about when its true reconnection IMO is tosh...…….my MLC'er did stuff round the home, noticed things were wrong and fixed them, asked about my day and showed genuine care and concern for me my life and the dog, stayed in contact (regularly) for nearly 2 months, reconnected with friends and still disappeared again... and so have many others...…. if you read Enyo's story, Busybee and others there are no patterns...

So keep living your life the best you can and leave him to his crisis, be a friend when he needs one but not a doormat and just look at what has happened recently as a sign he could be making some progress and nothing more xx
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2018, 03:48:29 AM »
Re-connection takes time and is probably as long as replay it seems to me. 

I have been in " re-connection " since July 2017 and H has yet to express an interest in reconciling.  I am now fluctuating whether I stand or drop my stand.

It is very common for touch and goes to get longer so that it merges into reconnection.  RCR is very clear about this and says it is not a linear process although stagewatching makes it so.  Distancing is a very common feature of the touch and go/reconnecting cycle. 
It is also not an automatic shift into reconciliation so avoid confusing yourself.

Quote
all the stuff in the articles about when its true reconnection IMO is tosh

I wouldn't say it's "tosh" 1T - When RCR wrote the articles some time ago, she had little information other than her own and a few others who had gone onto reconcile to go on.  This is why we are keen to have all who are reconnecting post regularly so that patterns and similarities can be recognised.

Ironically, in my case - much of what she said did happen for me.  H's interest in me has become more caring, and even though he has always done stuff in the house, even when he was with OW for 3.5 years it is his approach, manner and attitude that has become more genuine and sincere.

However nearly 6 years on - I am still not sure if he wants back in.  So sometimes reconnecting is harder than replay because it is so less tangible than replay. Replay - you see clear behaviour, hear clear words etc.... Reconnecting not so.

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Acorn

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2018, 06:01:19 AM »
Re-connection takes time and is probably as long as replay it seems to me. 

<snip>

H's interest in me has become more caring, and even though he has always done stuff in the house, even when he was with OW for 3.5 years it is his approach, manner and attitude that has become more genuine and sincere.

However nearly 6 years on - I am still not sure if he wants back in.  So sometimes reconnecting is harder than replay because it is so less tangible than replay. Replay - you see clear behaviour, hear clear words etc.... Reconnecting not so.

What Songanddance said in the above quote, and in bold, is also true in my case. 
I dare suggest that reconnection may take longer than replay.  My reasoning is that it is always easier to wreck things than clearing the debris and laying down a new cable system. 
« Last Edit: December 13, 2018, 07:25:28 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online strongFaith34Topic starter

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2019, 04:17:17 PM »
MLCer has married the OW, and introduced her to my kids. I am 4 years in... I'm curious if anyone else's MLCer walked around publicly and brought their OW (now wife and ex-friend of mine) to church and public events with no shame. I wonder how thick the fog must be for him to have no empathy. Would love to hear from others who have also dealt with the OW (new partner) around their children.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2019, 04:18:35 PM by strongFaith34 »

Offline megogirl

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2019, 04:26:14 PM »
Only learned today that S16 is learning to drive with the OW's ex-car.  Apparently XH purchased the POS from her, and I am incensed.

Damnit that thing is CONTAMINATED!!!

Offline Nas

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2019, 06:00:40 PM »
MLCer has married the OW, and introduced her to my kids. I am 4 years in... I'm curious if anyone else's MLCer walked around publicly and brought their OW (now wife and ex-friend of mine) to church and public events with no shame. I wonder how thick the fog must be for him to have no empathy. Would love to hear from others who have also dealt with the OW (new partner) around their children.

You mentioned he had been doing some talk of reconciling -just curious when and what has he actually said?

I didn’t realize he had married the OW. So you have the added problem of not letting him try to make you OW of sorts to the OWife.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online strongFaith34Topic starter

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2019, 09:00:25 PM »
At the end of last year my MLCer had a long touch and go with a few weeks of clarity, acting like his old self.
We were in the process of selling our home so I guess that woke him up a for a few weeks and he began talking about what reconciliation would look like, working things out, and living together.
I asked if there was anyone else in the picture and he denied it (in a very convincing way). I told him I was open to reconciliation.
Once the house sold, he went back deep into the tunnel. I found out a month ago that their was an OW all along, the same friend I suspected of breaking up our marriage from the beginning. They are now married.

Online Standing Strong

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2019, 09:06:33 PM »
At the end of last year my MLCer had a long touch and go with a few weeks of clarity, acting like his old self.
We were in the process of selling our home so I guess that woke him up a for a few weeks and he began talking about what reconciliation would look like, working things out, and living together.
I asked if there was anyone else in the picture and he denied it (in a very convincing way). I told him I was open to reconciliation.
Once the house sold, he went back deep into the tunnel. I found out a month ago that their was an OW all along, the same friend I suspected of breaking up our marriage from the beginning. They are now married.

Oh yuck.... I'm so sorry.
Sheesh...... it's the same garbage over and over to everyone. Are there secret meetings these people get training at or something?

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Treasur

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2019, 09:25:12 PM »
I am very sorry, SF, that your suspicions were confirmed and that your h has married ow. It is a strange experience that some of us share. My only encouragement is that MLCers don't see m - ours or a new one I suspect - as they did before their crisis and he is no simply longer the man you married and no prize worth having right now. The 'gift' of it is that you can accept that there is nothing more you can do but move forward with your own life and let him continue to add to the mess and new obligations of his own. I hope that after the sale of the house you now have some security and stability for you and your kids which is helping you to do that.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 1trouble

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #12 on: June 16, 2019, 12:52:08 AM »
Strong

Apart from kids our story is very similar in the touch and go the retreat and then the marriage.....it all happened in my situation

I think the articles here and elsewhere are accurate when describing the first few stages of MLC but after that I don't think they are.
Where some people study them like the bible, even RCR herself says they were based on her experience and knowledge at the time and and over the years, with more information and stories its very clear that most do not follow the patterns described on here after replay is waning in the way its described, not only on here but jim conways and HB , maybe some yes, but the vast majority no.

What is more accurate, is what Busybee described, there is a critical stage around the 3-4 year mark......this is where some come out and where some go deeper...it seems in your story and mine they went deeper....from what I saw in my story there was some clarity but this was just a brief respite in the MLC journey...there was a will to be back home but it wasn't strong enough to push the depression away and I also think when they have these periods of rationality it also brings on the damage which feeds the depression and fog and thats a cycle that goes on for a while 

Having spoken to my MLC'er after the 'marriage' it was clear he was still very deep in the fog and even up to a few months ago (when we last spoke)
BUT he was now questioning whats happened to him, he describes the last 4 years as everything going very fast like a speeded up film

He also in many ways ignores the fact he divorced me and married his idiot OW as he still refers to me as his wife and her as 'them or they'

All you can do is watch from the sidelines and make a life for yourself and make sure every day counts FOR YOU.
Make plans for things you want to do and things that make YOU happy.

BEcause if you don't then when he comes out of this, and you have wasted time it adds to the things you will have to deal with....

What I am trying to say, is if you manage to lead a full life then you will be happier and you will see and have some positives in why this happened, BUT if you waste the years inbetween its another thing you could resent your MLC'er for if you reconcile.....

Its so hard to get our heads round...…..seeing them do the most destructive things, but like a drug addict we cant stop them, or enable them or allow it to destroy us

As hard as it must be to have to deal with your MLC'er parading his OW around try to realise in his head none of this is real its a sick fantasy/nightmare he is living and one day he will wake up..


So put your head in the air at these public events and know your place is at the top of the table......she is desperate to be recognised as the queen but she is a peasant compared to you and deep down she knows she always will be.....believe me there is movement in my story.....its slow but its there and the cockiness of the OW has completely gone because she is dealing with a very depressed man now
« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 12:54:49 AM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

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Offline Treasur

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #13 on: June 16, 2019, 01:03:53 AM »
Agree with 1t completely. Similar experience here.

Remember too the simple fact...ow will ALWAYS be his SECOND wife, his SECOND choice, a choice made when he was at best depressed and running, and it will take YEARS and YEARS (even if it is possible, even if both he and ow are emotionally healthy which seems unusual) until they build a relationship with the substance of the one he lost. And he lost you...whereas you just lost a broken self destructive man who looked a bit like your h.  And part of him will always know that whatever regret he feels, he destroyed it all by himself while you did you very best in an impossible situation. With time, I do find there is a comfort in that....still a sad thing, still not what we hoped for or expected in our lives, but we did our best while they brought their worst usually.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2019, 03:08:00 AM »
Strong, I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through the parading the OWife around and it's hurting you. Although my H hasn't married his OW as we're not D yet, he did parade her around our home village as soon as she moved into his house 1 year after BD. The kids and I were mortified so I know how you feel. Me and one of my daughter's told him how it made us feel but he couldn't care less, said he's just trying to live his life. They do this and simply don't have any concern/feeling left for us not even as humans. My H tried to force my kids to meet and hang out with the OW. One D embraced their relationship, but the other have refused. This caused a lot of problems but after 4 years, H has had to accept that one of my Ds and my S will have nothing to do with his OW. Now, H and OW are hardly ever seen in our home village, and the locals have very rude nicknames for the OW. It's a small comfort though. Would be so much easier on us if they would just move away and be discreet instead of throwing pain in our faces continuously.

Now, I am less bothered about them being around. I think we just get used to the new normal situations we hate. I know that now if I do come face to face with them in public (I hope I never do) I will be a lady, not say anything, not react, let the OW make a fool of herself all by herself. That is the only advice I can give you, and reassure you that you will get through this new awful, too.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #15 on: June 16, 2019, 04:24:26 AM »
Strongfaith, I saw your post yesterday but I wanted others who are closer to your situation to reach out.

I am sorry you are going through this, I am now divorced, his action. Even while we were still married, once he was out of the house he went public with ow and introduced our kids to her and her children, he went to live with her and her children and they often promoted blended family events. As my children were teenagers at the time and the Latin society we live in is very open to this kind of situation, I had no choice other than accept it. I have been at events where ow has been there  and I have had to just get through them.

As Milly has noted, with older children, they will make their own decisions and these decisions have to be respected. I feel for you with younger kids because it tends to be more in your face because the kids are obliged to go along with the new situation until they have a choice of their own.


Now, I am less bothered about them being around. I think we just get used to the new normal situations we hate. I know that now if I do come face to face with them in public (I hope I never do) I will be a lady, not say anything, not react, let the OW make a fool of herself all by herself. That is the only advice I can give you, and reassure you that you will get through this new awful, too.


Yes!
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online strongFaith34Topic starter

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #16 on: June 16, 2019, 10:04:03 AM »
Mitzpah, I see your BD was 2010, did he gain any empathy or improve his relationship with you since then?

Milly, close friends see through their relationship and are disturbed by them, they broke up two marriages to be together (his and hers).

Treasur,  the OW (new partner) always envied me and what I had, she must suffer from very low-self esteem and depression to break up a family and marry her friend's husband, when she could of married anyone else.

1trouble, I find a lot of similarities in our stories. We reached an agreeable co-parenting relationship before he married his current wife and we got along well. Now, she prevents him from speaking to me or coming near me.

I messaged her a week before she married him letting her know he tried to reconcile with me recently, she didn't seem to care, blocked me, and married him anyways.

I see that she married someone who is severely depressed, someone who is trying to box a flood of emotions which no matter how hard he tries that dam will eventually burst, and the mask will eventually fall.

Related to another poster who mentioned their MLCer would always have headphones on or hum when she was around, my MLCer does the same, definitely trying hard to block reality out.







« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 10:08:27 AM by strongFaith34 »

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #17 on: June 16, 2019, 11:28:04 AM »
Mitzpah, I see your BD was 2010, did he gain any empathy or improve his relationship with you since then?



I had had a 31 year relationship with him at this point. We were always very close;

In the eight years and a half since then, our "relationship" has  cycled between hateful monster (very brief), indifference, dependence (his), friendship, respect and avoidance. Empathy? I don't think so - except for brief flashes in the pan (when our children have been in hospital, when my father died).

So, no...

I am a stander (a covenant stander as some people label it)
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

 

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