Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer Need some advice...  (Read 807 times)

Online Standing Strong

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Interacting with Your MLCer Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2019, 09:06:33 PM »
At the end of last year my MLCer had a long touch and go with a few weeks of clarity, acting like his old self.
We were in the process of selling our home so I guess that woke him up a for a few weeks and he began talking about what reconciliation would look like, working things out, and living together.
I asked if there was anyone else in the picture and he denied it (in a very convincing way). I told him I was open to reconciliation.
Once the house sold, he went back deep into the tunnel. I found out a month ago that their was an OW all along, the same friend I suspected of breaking up our marriage from the beginning. They are now married.

Oh yuck.... I'm so sorry.
Sheesh...... it's the same garbage over and over to everyone. Are there secret meetings these people get training at or something?

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Treasur

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2019, 09:25:12 PM »
I am very sorry, SF, that your suspicions were confirmed and that your h has married ow. It is a strange experience that some of us share. My only encouragement is that MLCers don't see m - ours or a new one I suspect - as they did before their crisis and he is no simply longer the man you married and no prize worth having right now. The 'gift' of it is that you can accept that there is nothing more you can do but move forward with your own life and let him continue to add to the mess and new obligations of his own. I hope that after the sale of the house you now have some security and stability for you and your kids which is helping you to do that.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 1trouble

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #12 on: June 16, 2019, 12:52:08 AM »
Strong

Apart from kids our story is very similar in the touch and go the retreat and then the marriage.....it all happened in my situation

I think the articles here and elsewhere are accurate when describing the first few stages of MLC but after that I don't think they are.
Where some people study them like the bible, even RCR herself says they were based on her experience and knowledge at the time and and over the years, with more information and stories its very clear that most do not follow the patterns described on here after replay is waning in the way its described, not only on here but jim conways and HB , maybe some yes, but the vast majority no.

What is more accurate, is what Busybee described, there is a critical stage around the 3-4 year mark......this is where some come out and where some go deeper...it seems in your story and mine they went deeper....from what I saw in my story there was some clarity but this was just a brief respite in the MLC journey...there was a will to be back home but it wasn't strong enough to push the depression away and I also think when they have these periods of rationality it also brings on the damage which feeds the depression and fog and thats a cycle that goes on for a while 

Having spoken to my MLC'er after the 'marriage' it was clear he was still very deep in the fog and even up to a few months ago (when we last spoke)
BUT he was now questioning whats happened to him, he describes the last 4 years as everything going very fast like a speeded up film

He also in many ways ignores the fact he divorced me and married his idiot OW as he still refers to me as his wife and her as 'them or they'

All you can do is watch from the sidelines and make a life for yourself and make sure every day counts FOR YOU.
Make plans for things you want to do and things that make YOU happy.

BEcause if you don't then when he comes out of this, and you have wasted time it adds to the things you will have to deal with....

What I am trying to say, is if you manage to lead a full life then you will be happier and you will see and have some positives in why this happened, BUT if you waste the years inbetween its another thing you could resent your MLC'er for if you reconcile.....

Its so hard to get our heads round...…..seeing them do the most destructive things, but like a drug addict we cant stop them, or enable them or allow it to destroy us

As hard as it must be to have to deal with your MLC'er parading his OW around try to realise in his head none of this is real its a sick fantasy/nightmare he is living and one day he will wake up..


So put your head in the air at these public events and know your place is at the top of the table......she is desperate to be recognised as the queen but she is a peasant compared to you and deep down she knows she always will be.....believe me there is movement in my story.....its slow but its there and the cockiness of the OW has completely gone because she is dealing with a very depressed man now
« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 12:54:49 AM by 1trouble »
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Treasur

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #13 on: June 16, 2019, 01:03:53 AM »
Agree with 1t completely. Similar experience here.

Remember too the simple fact...ow will ALWAYS be his SECOND wife, his SECOND choice, a choice made when he was at best depressed and running, and it will take YEARS and YEARS (even if it is possible, even if both he and ow are emotionally healthy which seems unusual) until they build a relationship with the substance of the one he lost. And he lost you...whereas you just lost a broken self destructive man who looked a bit like your h.  And part of him will always know that whatever regret he feels, he destroyed it all by himself while you did you very best in an impossible situation. With time, I do find there is a comfort in that....still a sad thing, still not what we hoped for or expected in our lives, but we did our best while they brought their worst usually.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2019, 03:08:00 AM »
Strong, I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through the parading the OWife around and it's hurting you. Although my H hasn't married his OW as we're not D yet, he did parade her around our home village as soon as she moved into his house 1 year after BD. The kids and I were mortified so I know how you feel. Me and one of my daughter's told him how it made us feel but he couldn't care less, said he's just trying to live his life. They do this and simply don't have any concern/feeling left for us not even as humans. My H tried to force my kids to meet and hang out with the OW. One D embraced their relationship, but the other have refused. This caused a lot of problems but after 4 years, H has had to accept that one of my Ds and my S will have nothing to do with his OW. Now, H and OW are hardly ever seen in our home village, and the locals have very rude nicknames for the OW. It's a small comfort though. Would be so much easier on us if they would just move away and be discreet instead of throwing pain in our faces continuously.

Now, I am less bothered about them being around. I think we just get used to the new normal situations we hate. I know that now if I do come face to face with them in public (I hope I never do) I will be a lady, not say anything, not react, let the OW make a fool of herself all by herself. That is the only advice I can give you, and reassure you that you will get through this new awful, too.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #15 on: June 16, 2019, 04:24:26 AM »
Strongfaith, I saw your post yesterday but I wanted others who are closer to your situation to reach out.

I am sorry you are going through this, I am now divorced, his action. Even while we were still married, once he was out of the house he went public with ow and introduced our kids to her and her children, he went to live with her and her children and they often promoted blended family events. As my children were teenagers at the time and the Latin society we live in is very open to this kind of situation, I had no choice other than accept it. I have been at events where ow has been there  and I have had to just get through them.

As Milly has noted, with older children, they will make their own decisions and these decisions have to be respected. I feel for you with younger kids because it tends to be more in your face because the kids are obliged to go along with the new situation until they have a choice of their own.


Now, I am less bothered about them being around. I think we just get used to the new normal situations we hate. I know that now if I do come face to face with them in public (I hope I never do) I will be a lady, not say anything, not react, let the OW make a fool of herself all by herself. That is the only advice I can give you, and reassure you that you will get through this new awful, too.


Yes!
M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline strongFaith34Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #16 on: June 16, 2019, 10:04:03 AM »
Mitzpah, I see your BD was 2010, did he gain any empathy or improve his relationship with you since then?

Milly, close friends see through their relationship and are disturbed by them, they broke up two marriages to be together (his and hers).

Treasur,  the OW (new partner) always envied me and what I had, she must suffer from very low-self esteem and depression to break up a family and marry her friend's husband, when she could of married anyone else.

1trouble, I find a lot of similarities in our stories. We reached an agreeable co-parenting relationship before he married his current wife and we got along well. Now, she prevents him from speaking to me or coming near me.

I messaged her a week before she married him letting her know he tried to reconcile with me recently, she didn't seem to care, blocked me, and married him anyways.

I see that she married someone who is severely depressed, someone who is trying to box a flood of emotions which no matter how hard he tries that dam will eventually burst, and the mask will eventually fall.

Related to another poster who mentioned their MLCer would always have headphones on or hum when she was around, my MLCer does the same, definitely trying hard to block reality out.







« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 10:08:27 AM by strongFaith34 »

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #17 on: June 16, 2019, 11:28:04 AM »
Mitzpah, I see your BD was 2010, did he gain any empathy or improve his relationship with you since then?



I had had a 31 year relationship with him at this point. We were always very close;

In the eight years and a half since then, our "relationship" has  cycled between hateful monster (very brief), indifference, dependence (his), friendship, respect and avoidance. Empathy? I don't think so - except for brief flashes in the pan (when our children have been in hospital, when my father died).

So, no...

I am a stander (a covenant stander as some people label it)
M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

 

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