Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer Need some advice...  (Read 821 times)

Offline strongFaith34Topic starterTopic starter

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Interacting with Your MLCer Need some advice...
« on: December 12, 2018, 07:14:39 PM »
MLCer showed signs of reconnection for a few weeks after 3.5 years of avoiding me, during those few weeks MLCer began to act like his old self, being considerate with talks about reconciling.

 Usually I have not seen his old self resurface for more than a day or a few hours, so to see consistent reconnecting behavior for a few weeks was surprising to me.

Soon after MLCer began talking about feeling numb, and is back to the distancing. How should I treat him during this time? Should I be reaching out or distancing myself and moving on with my life.... a bit sad to see his old caring self resurface for a few weeks, and then dissapear again.


« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 07:19:58 PM by strongFaith34 »

Offline Anon

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2018, 07:41:44 PM »
It’s possibly a reconnection which is characterized by some retreating before resuming.   Or it might have been a longer touch and go but not quite at the reconciliation stage.   

You may have already read this article about reconnection, but if not here is the link:

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_coming-and-going_touch-and-goes-and-reconnection_reconnection.html

Whatever it is, touch and go or reconciliation, time will tell but don’t get hopes and expectations up. 

Online Treasur

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2018, 10:05:31 PM »
I guess all you can do is stay your course, keep doing whatever it was you were doing before he popped up and away again. Read the articles if it helps to remind yourself that it is his crisis, in his head and that anything he does is driven by that not by you.

Most folks says it is hard to judge if it is a touch and go or the beginning of some kind of reconnection at the time. That you often only know looking back, strongfaith. So let it be, let go of any reawakened monkeys in your brain and see how things unfold is my best take fwiw.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline 1trouble

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2018, 01:23:43 AM »
Strongfaith


I would take Treasur's advice..............I am one of those Treasur mentions about not knowing if its a true reconnection until you look back because that's what I believe if my experience is to go by and others on here...

I had a similar experience with my MLC'er last year, he was regularly in touch, talkative and a little candid and seemed to be more like his old self it went on for 7 weeks and then bang....he was gone....it hurt me a lot tbh but it taught me a lot too....because looking back I can see there were a lot of red flags that showed he wasn't really himself and because I wanted him to be so much I ignored those and got hurt.  I am also aware now that my MLC'er becomes melancholic around anniversary times now (he wasn't at all for the first two years) and so I am on my guard this year

I am on the same timeline as you and my MLC'er has started to show real emotions in the last couple of months, he wrote a letter to our dog (that may sound crazy in itself )but we couldn't have children and our dog was our 'child' .  The dog has ill and he is getting old now so to me it was touching to see my MLC'er be the man I use to know the kind sentimental emotional man, he cried a lot the last time we were together and the letter was a very emotional one that made me cry too.....................but then he went off again......for 5 weeks...…

We have just spoken the other day for the first time in 5 weeks but there were one or two things he said which were huge red flags for me and make me realise he is still very much in crisis, even if he does sound more like the man I knew

The best advice I have read wasn't on here, it was from Job on Divorcebusting…..she said to treat them like a wild colt, let them come to you, any sudden movement will send them scurrying away again...…

That analogy is perfect for MLC IMO.....trouble is its very hard to do because expectation rears its head especially when the communication seems consistent and you 'see' the person you love for a while...….

So to summarise what I would say is keep getting on with your life, be strong and resolute and show him exactly what he is missing.

Enjoy every second of every day with those people who want to be with you and have supported you through this...

Make plans for a lovely Christmas and don't contact your MLC'er let him do the running, if you start to contact him, then its seen as pressure believe me the slightest thing can send the off ...........

If he talks about the future just listen, but don't join in or suggest things in the short term or for the future............as it seems its ok for them to do this, but as soon as we start they don't like it!!!

Keep the time you have together and the conversations you have light and stay away from any difficult subjects....

Don't read anything into his actions, there is no logic to all of this and all the stuff in the articles about when its true reconnection IMO is tosh...…….my MLC'er did stuff round the home, noticed things were wrong and fixed them, asked about my day and showed genuine care and concern for me my life and the dog, stayed in contact (regularly) for nearly 2 months, reconnected with friends and still disappeared again... and so have many others...…. if you read Enyo's story, Busybee and others there are no patterns...

So keep living your life the best you can and leave him to his crisis, be a friend when he needs one but not a doormat and just look at what has happened recently as a sign he could be making some progress and nothing more xx
"I can't go back to yesterday I was a different person then"..............Alice in Wonderland

you NEVER know how strong you are, until being strong is the ONLY choice you have"

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2018, 03:48:29 AM »
Re-connection takes time and is probably as long as replay it seems to me. 

I have been in " re-connection " since July 2017 and H has yet to express an interest in reconciling.  I am now fluctuating whether I stand or drop my stand.

It is very common for touch and goes to get longer so that it merges into reconnection.  RCR is very clear about this and says it is not a linear process although stagewatching makes it so.  Distancing is a very common feature of the touch and go/reconnecting cycle. 
It is also not an automatic shift into reconciliation so avoid confusing yourself.

Quote
all the stuff in the articles about when its true reconnection IMO is tosh

I wouldn't say it's "tosh" 1T - When RCR wrote the articles some time ago, she had little information other than her own and a few others who had gone onto reconcile to go on.  This is why we are keen to have all who are reconnecting post regularly so that patterns and similarities can be recognised.

Ironically, in my case - much of what she said did happen for me.  H's interest in me has become more caring, and even though he has always done stuff in the house, even when he was with OW for 3.5 years it is his approach, manner and attitude that has become more genuine and sincere.

However nearly 6 years on - I am still not sure if he wants back in.  So sometimes reconnecting is harder than replay because it is so less tangible than replay. Replay - you see clear behaviour, hear clear words etc.... Reconnecting not so.

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Acorn

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2018, 06:01:19 AM »
Re-connection takes time and is probably as long as replay it seems to me. 

<snip>

H's interest in me has become more caring, and even though he has always done stuff in the house, even when he was with OW for 3.5 years it is his approach, manner and attitude that has become more genuine and sincere.

However nearly 6 years on - I am still not sure if he wants back in.  So sometimes reconnecting is harder than replay because it is so less tangible than replay. Replay - you see clear behaviour, hear clear words etc.... Reconnecting not so.

What Songanddance said in the above quote, and in bold, is also true in my case. 
I dare suggest that reconnection may take longer than replay.  My reasoning is that it is always easier to wreck things than clearing the debris and laying down a new cable system. 
« Last Edit: December 13, 2018, 07:25:28 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline strongFaith34Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2019, 04:17:17 PM »
MLCer has married the OW, and introduced her to my kids. I am 4 years in... I'm curious if anyone else's MLCer walked around publicly and brought their OW (now wife and ex-friend of mine) to church and public events with no shame. I wonder how thick the fog must be for him to have no empathy. Would love to hear from others who have also dealt with the OW (new partner) around their children.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2019, 04:18:35 PM by strongFaith34 »

Online megogirl

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2019, 04:26:14 PM »
Only learned today that S16 is learning to drive with the OW's ex-car.  Apparently XH purchased the POS from her, and I am incensed.

Damnit that thing is CONTAMINATED!!!

Offline Nas

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2019, 06:00:40 PM »
MLCer has married the OW, and introduced her to my kids. I am 4 years in... I'm curious if anyone else's MLCer walked around publicly and brought their OW (now wife and ex-friend of mine) to church and public events with no shame. I wonder how thick the fog must be for him to have no empathy. Would love to hear from others who have also dealt with the OW (new partner) around their children.

You mentioned he had been doing some talk of reconciling -just curious when and what has he actually said?

I didn’t realize he had married the OW. So you have the added problem of not letting him try to make you OW of sorts to the OWife.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline strongFaith34Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Need some advice...
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2019, 09:00:25 PM »
At the end of last year my MLCer had a long touch and go with a few weeks of clarity, acting like his old self.
We were in the process of selling our home so I guess that woke him up a for a few weeks and he began talking about what reconciliation would look like, working things out, and living together.
I asked if there was anyone else in the picture and he denied it (in a very convincing way). I told him I was open to reconciliation.
Once the house sold, he went back deep into the tunnel. I found out a month ago that their was an OW all along, the same friend I suspected of breaking up our marriage from the beginning. They are now married.

 

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