Author Topic: My Story Helping Me in this MLC 5  (Read 1790 times)

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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My Story Helping Me in this MLC 5
« on: December 13, 2018, 06:14:01 AM »
New thread time. Boy these threads seem to fly by.
Been 2 years and few months since the BD. W is still home. Never left.
The Little fruit Bat is still moving along.  Slowly!!!!!!
Can someone please link old thread. 

Thanks PJ
W was chatty last night.  That is good. I'd rather listen to a chatty MLCer (even though it's all about her) than look at a quiet sulled up MLCer.
Have a good one my friends.


Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10415.0
« Last Edit: December 13, 2018, 06:41:19 AM by Thunder »

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2018, 06:22:56 AM »
Jumping on board, Helping!
Yep, chatty is better than sullen, especially from MLCer.
At least there is some noise going on even if she is talking about herself only.  Who knows, you might learn something about her. 

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2018, 06:42:36 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Helping.

Things are coming along.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNot

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2018, 10:00:06 AM »
Following along!  :)
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2018, 10:10:12 AM »
Following along Helping.  Yep, I’ve got a chatty MLCer too.  The other day I was reminded of my D when she was about 3 and used to follow me everywhere talking non stop.  I would go in the bathroom and shut the door and cover my ears sometimes to get some peace.  I did exactly that the other day!  My H is mostly talking about himself, but I see some snippets of taking interest in me.

Carry on Helping.  You are doing great. Changing our habits of wearing our hearts on our sleeves is a tough one.  My former affection via emails and texts to my H has stopped completely.  He is just now starting to notice this and I’m getting more from him.  I only respond to what he send me.

Your fruit bat is cooking nicely.  Wishing you peace for your holiday get togethers!

Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2018, 10:42:55 AM »
Thank You Acorn , Thunder , FN, and Roo.
Her chatty times are almost all about her. Now on some our long road trips, she will let a few things slip.
Almost all of chatty days come after a quiet spell. So I hear all about the last few days or the last week. Depending on how long it's been.
They when I'm good. When she can see that I'm ok with quiet time. That's my opinion.
Roo , if I want the me me me convo to stop. All I have to do is start talking about my day. Convo over!!! Lol. She has Vetter things to do. 

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2018, 10:55:26 AM »
Is her talkfest a recent development or she’s always been this way since her MLC started?
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2018, 10:56:39 AM »
Following along for the Further Adventures of HelpingMe.

My wife can be supper chatty and me-me-me too. Once on the phone she asked me how my day was four times, obviously not remembering what I said 2 minutes before. It makes me want to make up random ridiculous stories to see if she actually pays attention to what I say at all.

You're doing great!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2018, 11:39:29 AM »
PJ
My W repeats herself alot. Yep, she can tell me something. Later in convo says it again. It's their scatter brain not ours my friend.
Acorn
Lord No! Lol. I went year of mean talking. I was ready for that too stop. I guess when I finally learned to not feed the monster. I got months of silent treatment. I'd say chatty had come in last 6 months.  Steadily getting more frequent. But still all her mainly. I just nod and listen.  Some is very negative. Not my wife at all. But some is good. I can get in on those convos.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2018, 11:48:47 AM »
Ok. Well, I think the fact that she is talking to you, never mind what about, is a good thing.  She opened the channel of communication voluntarily.  I’m not surprised that she talks about herself.  My H did the same.  He eventually started taking notice of the fact that I had life too. 

If it does get too much you can always go to the bathroom and sit awhile.  ;D
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2018, 12:15:24 PM »
I am tagging along Helping.

I think I mentioned that my sister went through an MLC. I think she is technically still in it, though my illness jarred her and stopped her form making even worse choices at the time. She never left her H either. But neither of them really are working on anything. There is a lot of anger and resentment happening. I am working on her to see the light. It is a slow process as you know.  Your story helps me too in seeing things form her POV.

You are an amazing H Helping. Your little fruitbat is lucky to have you.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #11 on: December 14, 2018, 03:40:16 AM »
Help

Just thinking about your last thread as it started with talk of you changing color and during it you had some of the hardest times when you really struggled. Shows how up and down this all is and it’s no wonder it’s so wearing with it going on so long. You probably also get an award for ‘post of the year’ regarding the birthday suit event!

Glad you are managing to stay the same mostly whether she is up or down. Hopefully she lets you get enough peace to keep finding you.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Whyus

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #12 on: December 14, 2018, 04:27:34 AM »
Following along helping. Just Keep on doing what your doing.
Good luck and have fun with the FIL at Christmas, you should set some go pros up in the house. Could be entertaining in the future  ::)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #13 on: December 14, 2018, 06:34:23 AM »
Acorn
The bathroom is FBs hiding spot. She takes a 2hr bath. That would cause a dispute. Lol.
Thank you KiT
I'm gonna try keep posting more. Sometimes the silly crap she does, I don't post. I say, nobody would believe this!! Or no other MLCer is like mine!!
Rose, that leads up to crazy BD suit post. I guess all info is good info to help other LBS.
Whyus
Ill have my phone . Trust me, I'll be ready to record.
On note if FIL. BIL is at his place in Texas.. he has said FIL is still kicked out of OWs house. One he paid for btw. BIL said he is a whipped little puppy. He still asking all kind of questions about Ws momma. Ask was she ok financially???
I can see it coming. FIL, sending a check and saying to use it to help out on Christmas. Oh boy.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #14 on: December 14, 2018, 06:43:06 AM »
I think we are going to have to come up with some new Acronyms soon.... At the moment, FB is

1) Fruit Bat,
2) FakeBook, and
3) KiT's Fat Bailiff

 :o

Just no B-Day suit videos please....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #15 on: December 14, 2018, 07:00:35 AM »
UM
Atm all three of those are the same.
CRAZY and FAKE
So I guess it's ok for now if people get confused. Same meaning really.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #16 on: December 14, 2018, 07:42:42 AM »
Post away, Helping
Helps you keep your WTF thermometer working
Helps others sigh with relief that it isn't just happening to them
If nothing else, gives us all the chance for at least a wry smile, if not a knowing chuckle  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online One day at a time

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #17 on: December 14, 2018, 09:06:35 AM »
Following along Helping!  I got the silent treatment for a while and in the rare occasions when he opened his mouth, what he had to say was not pretty!! So definitely chatty is better, even if it is me me me me  ;D
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #18 on: December 14, 2018, 10:06:51 AM »
Treasur
I will try and keep up to date on post. If any LBS gets a laugh or even a smile out of it, it's worth posting. 
One Day
I agree chatty is better. I've became the best listener. May help me out if things ever get back to normal. It helps sometimes when she is too negative , when she walks off, I'll giver her the ugly finger to her back. Just my way of saying whatever!! Without saying it. Makes me feel better. I've got so used to it, I would do it without looking at her. Almost got caught couple times, she had came back in the room. I haven't done that bear as much. It sure helped early on though.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #19 on: December 14, 2018, 11:37:34 AM »
Tee hee
Sure UM has a gif for that, helping  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #20 on: December 17, 2018, 06:44:50 AM »
Treasur
UM has good gifs for all occasions. I may be tempted to send it to the FB, I'll have to control myself.

Last few days have been slow. W is back in quiet and withdrawn mode.
It's a new week, a new day. Just trying to get through the week and ready for Holidays. S21 comes in tomorrow. He will be in until New Years. So that will be good.
Have a good one my friends.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #21 on: December 17, 2018, 06:55:35 AM »
Helping, I’m glad your S21 is coming home for Christmas! 
It sure is nice to share the home space with people other than a ‘quiet and withdrawn’ MLCer. 
It is not that difficult to forget how normal couples live.  I’m sure your son will be excellent company for you and your FB.

You have a good week, too, Helping.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #22 on: December 17, 2018, 06:59:39 AM »
Treasur
UM has good gifs for all occasions. I may be tempted to send it to the FB, I'll have to control myself.

NSFHS https://media.giphy.com/media/pODsR9EsiAEP6/giphy.gif and it's the wrong sex but the gesture is good...
https://media.giphy.com/media/stgsJHHLbRHgc/giphy.gif with FEELING this time....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #23 on: December 17, 2018, 09:01:31 AM »
Thank you Acorn. S21 will make it better around the house for sure. He can't stand quiet, lol. He will make it fun.
UM
Thanks for both of those. 
The second one I may use.
The first one, well I looked at it 3 times already. I'll go back some more I'm sure.
Thanks.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #24 on: December 21, 2018, 10:01:06 AM »
Hello my friends.

I have Christmas on my aide if family tonight. It should be all good.  S17 is bringing his GF. Be first time he has brought her around any family besides us.  He will be nervous, lol.

As for The Little Fruit Bat, well she is deep in thought again. I think the big Christmas ahe planned with her side has took its toll. Her Brother called and ask??? Hey, can Dad come to Christmas??? Chicken $h!t can't call himself. Boy I tell ya!!.
She told her Brother yes. I got this from him, he called me and ask if W had told me about it??? I said nope, but I don't care either way. He was just checking with me. So I'm sure he's coming. BIL said you know if he comes, momma and 2 sisters will leave. I told  him I'm sure if it. But it's out of my control.
She has been way off. I mean off to where we haven't spoke a word in 3 days. Not one!!!! Hopefully she will get in a better mood before Chritmas. I don't care about tonight, she can mope around. Nobody will say a word at my side. Hell, she may not even go.
Either way I'm going.to try and make the best of it. S21 I in full swing planning things to do for all get togethers for next week. He says he is party coordinator.  Ha. My last 2 Christmases were bad. I'm determined it will not be this year.


If I don't get a chance again. I wish Everybody a Wonderful Christmas.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #25 on: December 21, 2018, 10:10:35 AM »
Merry Christmas HelpingMe!

Hope it goes well tonight an you have fun with your Ss and the GF. Who knows, you acting normal around other normal people may help your W. Here's hoping the Christmas spirit is contagious and your Fruitbat somehow contracts at least a mild case of it.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #26 on: December 21, 2018, 10:16:13 AM »
Thanks PJ. I hope some Christmas spirit rubs off on her too.
She's off work now until January 8th. So hopefully that will help too.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #27 on: December 21, 2018, 10:18:43 AM »
Help

Glad you are going to have a good Christmas despite W! Can’t believe she’s not spoken for days, it’ll be the dinner she has planned as you say. Too much for her but who knows it may propel her forward. Well maybe not propel maybe she’ll stick with snails pace, MLC favourite speed.

I love what PJ said, hopefully Christmas Spirit is contagious. Hope my H catches it too!

Good on S21 forcing some fun!
Hope you feel like you while around your family and can relax and enjoy it.

Sending Joy
Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #28 on: December 21, 2018, 10:33:18 PM »
Thank You Rose. I'm going to relax for sure.
Well one Christmas get together down. The Fruit Bat and I didn't make it in same vechicle.
She was late getting ready. At the gym, so not my fault. But she came in and was rushing. Wrapping gifts. Baking cookies. I ask if she needed any help? She said no I got this. Welk I sat down turned the TV on. Then she says , are you going to Just sit there. Oh man. I closed my eyes and said , Just let her be. She went to take a bath and I loaded the car. When we pulled out she said I need to stop at the store. I said which one?? She said I don't care, any store. I'm grinning. Half mile down the road, she ask if I picked up package from her brother. I said No, he wasn't home yet, I'll get it when we get back. She popped off again. Said whatever!!!
Well, it just hit me the wrong way. I turned car around in the middle if the road. She said what are you doimg??
I said I'm going.to get my truck.
She then said your being childish!!! I lost it again, I told her what's childish is you talking to me like a POS !!! No more words.
I got out. Got in my truck and left.
The Christmas was good though. Lots if fun. We didn't speak all night. But I'm used to it.
I sure hope she changes her tune by Christmas. I'm going to get myself back under control, but I would rather have a peaceful Christmas.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #29 on: December 22, 2018, 03:50:13 AM »
Oh boy, well you did the right thing, Helping.  Sometimes you just have to get away from crazy and do your own thing.

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

I love that your S is planning fun things to do.   :)

Christmas hug!!!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #30 on: December 22, 2018, 04:19:07 AM »
I would have done the same, Helping.  No one should tolerate that kind of disrespect through her petulance and dismissive arrogant attitude.  You have declared your boundary in no uncertain terms. Through your action.  Good for you, Helping! 

Like little kids, the rule of 3 may apply here.  No, not the ‘waiting’ kind of rule of 3, but the repetitive kind. 

You drew unambiguous boundaries once by taking your own car.
If it happens again, walk away.
If it happens yet again, walk away.

Hopefully, the message will sink in. 
 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #31 on: December 22, 2018, 04:27:24 AM »
Help

Good for you. You are right not to take her talking like that to you. Hopefully she apologises to you but we all know how likely that is to happen.

Did you feel a bit more sane being with your family? Hopefully you got a much needed boost from them, especially with round 2 coming up.

Wishing you a peaceful time now, by Christmas evening she’ll be stress free again I bet.

MLC Christmas- never a dull moment
Keep posting how it’s going!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #32 on: December 22, 2018, 07:51:54 AM »
Thank You Thunder, Acorn, and Rose.
W is up and gone already this morning. She did talk to me this morning. I will go ahead and say it, I hate every part of MLC. I will say her snappy remarks that she made would have never bothered me in the past. I would have just made a joking comment about of somebody is in a bad mood today, and just rolled on. I hate what this crap has done to me, Well, what I've allowed it too.
She was getting ready. She told me all she had to do this week. All what had her stressed. Said Wednesday night at church, they always pick a troubled family to get things for for Christmas. It just so happens to be a little girls family that she teaches. So they took up a love offering and ask her ti go buy things for the family. She said i have so much going on , but I cdnt tell them no. She said I have no clue what to get. Single mom with 3 little kids. She said I have to get all this today, wrap gifts, and have it for church tomorrow to deliver.
Rose, did she apologize? Nope. But I guess her trying to explain her reason was it. IDK.
Just more of MLC crap. If she would talk to me, there wouldn't be any issue. Kinda hard to do when we don't speak.
My thought was well you should have told then no. Same with anything else you can handle. You DAMN sure don't mind telling me no. I'm the punching bag for all your issues you can handle. But that's my selfish mind thoughts.
Hopefully shopping for family will bring some joy for her today. I'm going shopping too. I'm always last minute. Ha.

I haven't snapped at her in months. A long time. Same as then, I'm one feels bad. Not about what I said. Just that I wasn't able to control my feelings. JBH. 
I'm good. Just part of this crap. I'm heading off into crazy world of last minute shoppers. Lord help me, ha.

Thanks for the support my friends. Have A good one.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #33 on: December 22, 2018, 06:32:46 PM »
Help

Don’t give another minutes thought to you not being able to control your feelings. She maybe needs you to be more like that. Tbh you shouldn’t be her punchbag when she’s stressed, or anytime. Maybe keep up this harder line and don’t accept as much of her horrible chat. You’ve had more than enough.

It gets old all of this quietness and reasons for being stressed and her speaking to you horribly. I like it when you put all of these things on your thread. I hate you are going through it but glad you get it out of you.

You are the prize here.
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #34 on: December 22, 2018, 07:32:19 PM »
I'm with Rose. You didn't sign up to be her punching bag. Or your own.

So you're not perfect and maybe you feel like you didn't handle a situation perfectly. But when you're walking in a minefield, sometimes things go kablooey.  I encourage you to show yourself some of the same kindness and mercy you've shown your W.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #35 on: December 22, 2018, 10:31:30 PM »
Agree with everyone else.
In normal life, it would just be a spat of course...you'd both lose your temper, feel silly and both aplogogise but it's not normal times.
You're human and every so often you do need to say 'no, enough' bc you're not a punchbag and you need boundaries too. And tbh on the scale of 'sins' it's not a biggie is it?
Wouldn't give it any more thought at all.
« Last Edit: December 22, 2018, 10:32:33 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #36 on: December 23, 2018, 04:29:57 PM »
Thank you Rose, PJ, and Treasur

Last night was an interesting one. BIL called and ask me to ride over and eat.
I knew something was up. When I got there he ask where w was? I told him shopping. He said I have something to ask you?? He ask is something going on between W and I. I told him No, why???
He said man something has to be. Yall aren't the same. He said here lately she seems very upset.  He told me that W had told his W that her Christmas break would be crappy because I would most likely be off and smother her , she needed some space. He said that's not like her.

Well last couple weeks and mainly recent blow up. I was not in the mood. I ended up telling BIL the whole story. He was shocked of course.  His first question was Why are you putting up with that?? Said it was his sister, he loved her to death, but that's wrong and you don't deserve that. Yep, he said I would have left 2 years ago. 
Next 2 hours I tried explaining why I'm still there. He didn't understand of course. Still said when I left, man you need to leave her ass. She can't just do that and have any consequences. 
He swore he would keep this between us. I hope he does.
He said she's acting just like momma.  Thats why dad left. Said I grew up in that hell, I would never live like that.

I felt better after telling him. It really aggrivated me that she's telling people I smother her. Thats a lie. Only way we could be further apart is if one of us left. I think just her trying to suck SIL in to me being the reason for her crap.
But SiL told BIL. Saying she didnt believe that and to talk to me. They know me pretty good. 
Main thing is little over 2 years, and that DAMN space word is still coming out of her mouth.
But I thanked BIL. Told him he helped me out. I will make sure she gets her space .
She has talked to me today.  Been peaceful. Maybe it will stay like this.
Have a good evening my friends.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #37 on: December 23, 2018, 05:13:00 PM »
Oh goodness. This is quite a week!

So glad you told BIL and you feel better about it (I also told a family member yesterday, I’ll put it on my thread. Timing buddies!).

Glad you are sticking up for yourself and yes they won’t understand but glad they know you so well.

Do you think either of them will go back to W with info?

I wanted to reply as it was SUCH a big deal but need to rush off!
I’ll be back - proud of you!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #38 on: December 23, 2018, 08:49:21 PM »
Wow, that's a big deal. I'm glad the BIL reacted the way he did and that you feel better. I hope it doesn't cause things to hit the fan in a way that makes it more complicated for you.

I know if I were to tell my family, or my W's family, what she has done they would wonder why I haven't left. My family would absolutely think I was a doormat for not kicking her to the curb. But I think what you're doing actually takes more courage.

I understand your aggravation! I don't know exactly what my wife has been telling her friends, but some of them have definitely been chillier towards me than they used to be. She's probably telling them I'm critical, controlling and smothering, which is why she had to separate briefly. It's all about making herself the victim. It's so aggravating to be treated like the bad guy when you've had to endure so much and haven't retaliated or publicly shamed the WS. I feel your pain.

Hang in there, my friend.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #39 on: December 23, 2018, 11:07:27 PM »
It is strangely helpful when people in RL who know our spouses well know too that something is just 'off'. Their advice is not always helpful, but knowing that others see some of what we see is. And that he sees the family pattern too is another reminder that this isn't about you, that the seeds were sown long before you even met your wife.

I hope that Christmas is peaceful, helping, and that you feel better having been able to talk honestly to your bil.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2018, 11:08:48 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #40 on: December 24, 2018, 06:00:17 AM »
Helping I think you did the right thing.  I had to let my BIL who works with my H know a small amount of what was going on because of their business together. He was totally confused as to how I could stay, but had a whole new respect for me now and my decision. He checks in with me every once in awhile and has recently let me know that he thinks my H is settling down business wise.  It has helped my sanity immensely knowing that it’s not just me seeing my H change.

Last summer I also had to tell my 3 sons more about what was going on.  This was after one of my sons who was visiting said something to me about me “over reacting” to something my H did.  They don’t talk about it to me at all, but they do understand and I feel like I got some self respect back in their eyes. They love me and they love their dad and only want the best for both of us.

Having other people notice but not necessarily understand the entire situation has helped me to see that this thing is not all “in my head”

I hope you have a wonderful and peaceful Christmas.  I’ve been thinking a lot today about last year On this date and have realized that as slow as this process is, my h and I have made significant headway.  Both as individuals and as a couple. We still have much more to learn.

Peace to you and your family!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #41 on: December 24, 2018, 07:55:23 AM »
Thank you Rose, OK, Treasur, and Roo.

I do feel some peace this morning . Weird, but I do. Telling BIL was good in a way. But reliving all of it wasn't. I understand now ones that see an IC , how hard it is to talk about it and live it over. Alot I had blocked out, for goid reasons I see now.
BIL is very upset with her. He said all of his sisters, she would be last one he thought would do that. Hell, even said I would say my own wife would be more likely to do that. Not her.
I hope he doesn't say anything. He said I'll talk to her. Somebody needs to confront her. I told him No, please dont do that, it will not do any good.
He then said Well, your just gonna keep on putting up with it then. He told me boys would understand. They would be mad if they find out from somebody else.
Yesterday I had a few arguements again in the mirror, ones that I've had so many times in the past. Questioning everything I've done.  How I've handled things. Once again, I going to continue what I'm doing and how I'm handling things.
On a good note.  S21 told me that all her side, ones that live here are coming over tonight for games. Cooking. Said his MOMMA told him we always did this when yall were little. Christmas Eve was always family night. So I see this as a good thing. W is reflecting some more. We will see. She hasn't mentioned it to me, but that's normal.
I'm better today. Feet are back on solid ground. Gonna enjoy the day.
I did get W some gifts. All little things, yes they are from the Boys, not me.  As for necklace and earings that I bought in May for 25th Anniversary and I chose not to give them at last minute(right choice) I had questioned giving them now. Well they are gonna collect some more dust, I'm not giving them.

For ones that are good, have a wonderful Christmas . The new people. Try and enjoy it too. Time will heal. I had 2 miserable Christmases, I'm not having another one. It's up to us to enjoy our life. You can't get them back.
I read on another thread, Thunder said you can't just turn off the switch and stop loving them. But try and look at it like a dimmer switch. As time goes on, just push it a little more. Imo it doesn't have to go away, but it can get to where you can live your life.
Have a good one my friends.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #42 on: December 24, 2018, 08:03:34 AM »
Helping,

I like that "dimmer switch."   :)

I'm very glad you confiding in your BIL.  You do need to get that stuff out.

Merry Christmas!  Enjoy your day, Helping. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #43 on: December 24, 2018, 08:09:17 AM »
Good update Help. Things are moving anyway which is good after this period of limbo.

I think, fwiw, you are handling this as good as can be and you are right to do this. It would he great if you could get some IC which I know isn’t easy for where you live etc but you could maybe go straight from work and tell W you are working later and get away with going that way. It’s something I feel strongly about that would benefit you. It’s really not to be underestimated. This is so tough and you neee to be tougher to deal with it. Hope you don’t mind me banging on about it! I have found it difficult for other reasons, mainly financial, but have managed to get something to work which I think is a lesson in keep trying and you’ll get there in the end as it wasn’t easy as you know! It makes you stronger which in turn would help your boys. And your W May notice.

Enjoy your Christmas Eve party!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Treasur

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #44 on: December 24, 2018, 08:36:59 AM »
I think you're doing pretty darn well too, helping. And good call on the necklace etc.

If you feel an IC might help you have some space for yourself, I guess another option would be to find one that works over the phone maybe, so you could slot it in over a lunch break perhaps? I work this way more and more as a coach, and a lot of therapists do too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #45 on: December 24, 2018, 09:35:46 AM »
Doing great Help! Bils reaction is pretty typical. Everyone thinks they can “fix” the Mlcer. They they can somehow get them to snap out of it. He may still say something. I’ve had many conversations with family asking them not to. But they will do what they want in the end.

I’m happy you are taking Christmas back! It is so important. I can’t imagine having a live-in Mlcer. Seems like it would be pretty hard. I don’t know that I’d be able to do as well as you have. Keep it up friend! And Merry Christmas!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #46 on: December 24, 2018, 01:19:56 PM »
Thank You Thunder, Rose , Treasur and Kit.
Love the support.
Thunder I'm still slowly pushing the dimmer down.
Rose
Bang away. I don't mind one bit. 
Treasur
There are some good IC about 40 minutes away. The issue has always been me hiding all this from everyone. Small town. People see things. OMG do they say things.
But I'm getting to where hiding it may not be rt way anymore.
Kit
My family is the same. Hard to keep things quiet, ha. If he spills the beans, well I'll just hop over that creek too. If he does, I hope it's after Holidays.

I'm fixing to make myself a drink. I will limit myself.  Just have to get the edge off. 
Have a wonderful evening my friends.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #47 on: December 24, 2018, 06:15:01 PM »
But I'm getting to where hiding it may not be rt way anymore.

I am thinking the same about my situation. I don’t care like I did about people finding out.

Enjoy that drink!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #48 on: December 26, 2018, 02:41:52 AM »
Thank you Rose
I did , ha.
Christmas Eve party was good. Lots of people. Lots of fun.  Nothing between me and the Little Fruit Bat till after party was over. We helped each other clean up everything. It was actually best convo we had in weeks. Just normal stuff.

Christmas was good too. Just the 4 of us all day. Been good last 2 days. Hopefully it stays that way. I still have one Christmas left. The big one, ha. I can see W stressed out until that one is over.

Have a good one my friends.

Online One day at a time

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #49 on: December 26, 2018, 03:40:32 AM »
Great to hear your Christmas was good Helping! Nice to have "normal" conversations (isn't it funny what we take for granted sometimes?)

I hope everything goes OK with the big Christmas and FB's stress doesn't get in a the way of enjoying it like you deserve  :)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #50 on: December 26, 2018, 05:42:18 AM »
Hi Helping, I’m glad Christmas Eve and Christmas worked out well for you and your family.  2 out of 3 good, so far.  I hope the big dinner went well, too. 

Your FB seems to be picking up ‘normal’ activities one by one.  That’s a whole lot more than just words.  I think she is showing in her action that there is some healing going on.  I see what she did/is doing for the festvice season is positive. 

I’m glad you could share your ‘secrets’ with BIL.  I guess women are more likely to share their troubled situations than men.  Men keeps them bottled up and these eat away from within.  That was my H’s trouble...  Talking to IC is extremely therapeutic as well, especially because they are not emotionally involved in your situation, unlike your BIL.  A good IC objectively guides you to see the forest, rather than individual tree.  Well, my IC did. 

All the best, helping!

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #51 on: December 26, 2018, 07:09:55 AM »
Thank you One Day and Acorn

One Day, if things ever get back to normal. I'll never take anything for granted anymore.

Acorn
I'm trying to quit looking at that one tree. Trying hard.
Yes BIL is one sided. My side, and that's very weird to me. He was only one that seemed a little awkward at get together. Understandable I guess. I told him not to act any different around us. But easier said than done. 
I agree the thungs she is doing, I look at it as good. It's wearing on her though. Our convo started out as her griping about things people did at party as she was on her knees scrubbing the floor, lol. But she eased off after I started helping her. I had to catch myself, I was enjoying watching her clean the floor, lol. Almost too much.
Ok back in track.
I did get a hug Christmas morning. Just a Merry Christmas and a long hug. She just laid her head on my chest and squeezed tight. No more words were said. I was saying to myself the whole time for to please let go!!! But I made it through with no tears.
It is an awful thing to go thru. It has to be. 
She is spending alot of time with her sisters and her mom. I think she knows the fallout is coming. I'm sure she will turn back to me again after.
I'm back at work. No smothering coming from me. She can do as she pleases.
Boys have plans next few days. So it's good. They will be busy too.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #52 on: December 26, 2018, 09:08:23 AM »
No smothering from you is good, Helping! 
You ain’t going to be chasing her. 
That christmas hug...  That said volumes.  No words needed.
Things will calm down after Christmas and she can refocus on her journey.
She is probably trying to do to much ‘mending’ all at the same time.
Better than not caring or healed enough to try that.
You keep on keeping your equilibrium and stay detached so you don’t get sucked into her shifting moods.  That’s keeping the forest in your sight, not individual trees.

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #53 on: December 26, 2018, 09:14:07 AM »
That Christmas hug tho. I can relate. Feels so good. Yet we know it will mean a retreat very soon thereafter. MLC sucks!

You have a great attitude and your eye is on what is important. I don’t want to sound like a sexist, but I am always so in awe of you lbs men. It is not a common thing for you to stay in the fight. No one would ever blame you if you did leave.  And yet here you are. Amazing.

Ok, onward we go now. No smothering. Ha—that is a tall order when you have a live in. So I am even more impressed. You got this my friend!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #54 on: December 26, 2018, 09:31:26 AM »
Thank You Acorn and Kit
I'm not chasing anymore. I can't.
Kit
I don't think your comment was bad. Some might. Not me. To be fair I always think the opposite. Harder for women. Maybe I'm wrong.
I will say something, we are all adults. On subject. I was digging under the bed and I found little electric device on her side. I got so mad for a second. I was like are you kidding me???
But , my mind cleared and said that's better than OM I guess.
But the lack of intimacy is and has been a huge struggle for  me and I assume it is with all men and women. Just part of the MLC crap.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #55 on: December 31, 2018, 05:31:55 AM »
The MLC ‘crap’ is all encompassing.  It affects body, mind and soul of MLCer, the spous, their children, relatives, friends and work mates.  I sometimes wonder how MLCers can live with themselves once they come to realize the devastation they caused on so many loved one.  I almost wish that my H does not fully wake up from his MLC nightmare.  It could be too much for him to reckon with.  I guess the best scenario is where MLCer fully emerges from MLC, and LBS has walked her path long and far enough, that they can help each other deal with the unbearable truth of all the MLC destructions.

May 2019 bring you and your FB much healing and peace, Helping!
« Last Edit: December 31, 2018, 05:35:53 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #56 on: January 06, 2019, 01:53:42 PM »
Thank You Acorn. Peace is all I'm looking for and what I need  in this year.
As for last 2 weeks it's been horrible, good , and mainly just confusing. First part of Holidays were ok. We had our ups and downs. Days leading up to her family coming to our house, well it was a complete nightmare. What I figured would happen, DID!!!
The evil ones from her family, mainly sisters and her mom. Started messaging her telling her that she had ruined their Christmas. Hurt them them more than anybody ever had. Told her she needed to have more respect for them and tell her dad not to come, or they were not coming.
Well I took all this as she was just upset with me. Of course she didn't tell me any if this. I was her pin cushion again. Everything I did or said I was the worst person on earth. I didn't have a clue. It finally got so bad I went to BIL and told him I wasn't going to be at Christmas. He would understand.

Well he told me the whole story. It was late Friday night, I left his house and went to her moms and sisters and told them what I've wanted to say for years. Especially last 2 years. Told them what selfish sorry b!@$#$ they are. I will not take them treating my W like $h!t ever again.  They will probably never speak to me again. I really don't care.
But I didn't get home till about 2am. W was in on patio waiting on me. I told her whole thing.  And I apologized for getting involved in her family stuff. But if had enough.
Well she seemed to be ok. Even said I don't care what they think any more. I've tried to build a relationship with them, I just have to face reality it will never be there. We talked a good 2 hours.
Next day W was cooking all day. She cooked everything. I helped her, we chatted all day. Well all of them showed up. Every single one of them. It was first time whole family had been in the same house in over 10 years. Everything went so good. W came up to me outside and gave me a hug and Thank You Helping. For all you have done. Christmas is going perfect, it all worked out.
Well the next day, quiet!!!!! Silence. I was so DAMN confused. Back to MLC.
New Years eve was ok. W was doing her thing I did mine. I was outside with nephews at midnight popping firecrackers.  W came and found me and I got kiss and a hug. She said happy New Year.  We made it. Now as a LBS, the kiss and hug were good, but the WE MADE IT!!! Meant so much more to me. I'm thinking it's good.
Since then, nothing but silence. I've stayed out of her way. She's cleaned the house non stop. It can only be so clean.

People I've at a place I'm moving on. I'm not leaving. Unless she ask. But I'm going on with my life. I've been GAL for awhile now. Just doing what I do. But I tell her where I'm going. Most of the time anyway. But I'm just tired. I tired of playing happy life, when it's not.. I just can't do it anymore.

My question is ????? I need advice. Do I have a talk with her, tell her what I'm doing??? Do I explain to her why I'm doing it???
Or do I just go do it. Let her wonder. We have been at this for over 2 years.  In all honesty probably closer to 4 years, not worth getting into.
But I'm fixing to move on. There is no other woman in my life. It has nothing to do with that. I'm just tired. Wore down.
I just need advice on how to handle trying to talk to her or just go on!!!!
That's really my question.


Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #57 on: January 06, 2019, 03:50:15 PM »
Quote
People I've at a place I'm moving on. I'm not leaving. Unless she ask. But I'm going on with my life. I've been GAL for awhile now. Just doing what I do. But I tell her where I'm going. Most of the time anyway. But I'm just tired. I tired of playing happy life, when it's not.. I just can't do it anymore. 

Helping, there comes a time where you unhitch your emotions from how she treats/interacts with you.  That’s dropping the rope.  You are there.  You needed to experience all the up and downs in a short period to push you to where you are right now, IMHO.  It’s not just with your W but with some of their toxic relatives as well.  Good for you!  No more taking good natured Helping for granted. 

I understand how you are feeling and thinking right now.  I’ve been there.  I’m telling you, it was such a relief to finally let go of my H and his crappy MLC and let him blow in the wind.  Just go live my life and not watch him or be affected by how he interact or not interact with me because that’s on him. 

I would recommend, for what is worth and based on my personal experience, that you treat and think of her as a dotty aunt fallen on hard times and living with you for the time being.  Extend common courtesy, no need to be rude, let her know where you are going if she is around, and generally live your life as you see fit.  No more stirring up your emotions based on her interactions.  She owns them.  You are ready to put on a full body armour against her irregular feeding of her ‘affections’ to you. 

I’m glad you are at this point.  Harness what you are feeling right now and use that as a propellant to shake loose the rope tied to your W and go and live.  Nothing crazy or fancy but enjoy your life.  You’ve done enough accommodating. 

By the way, it should be her to leave home if it comes to that.  If she ever asks you to leave, well, she is going to be surprised to learn that she was the one that checked out of R and should check out of home as well.  Not you.

All the best, Helping.
((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #58 on: January 06, 2019, 03:51:40 PM »
Oh man Helping, you and I are in the same spot once again!  Read my last thread.  My H has been Jekyll and Hyde lately.  The holidays, family and a little too much togetherness led me to start believing that he was getting out of this...I was so completely wrong.  Where your W has hidden in her silence my H has decided to hide behind his anger, worse than I have ever seen it.  My belief is that he is starting to open his eyes a bit more and does not like what he sees so he tries to blame everyone around him for it all.  He has been a complete A$$ to both my D and I the last few days.  My D finally had enough and gave her a complete piece of her mind yesterday.  In so many words told him he was the most narcissistic father she has ever seen.  My D returned to university today with a horrible version of her F sticking with her.  I told him after she left that he and he alone is responsible for his relationship with his children.  I would no longer be the referee. 

I'm done being quiet and letting things roll off my back.  I will be letting him know when I am bothered and why.  I don't care if he runs (He won't because he's a clinger) I gave him his Christmas present bracelet back yesterday telling him I can never wear it as it triggers me.  He was shocked.  I don't care. 

As I said in my thread my stand is a choice now.  I have little feelings left.  I, like you, am so incredibly tired of it all.  I'm embarrassed of the way he treats our family, friends and employees.  I'm just feeling done. 

This is horrible to say, but sometimes I just wish he would have left.  The live in MLCer has tested everything I have as I have to have a front row seat to it all.  I would never have let him back in the state that he is in right now.  He is so messed up. 

I wish you luck Helping, know that you are not alone with your feelings.  We are both beat down. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #59 on: January 07, 2019, 12:35:03 AM »
Helping, I have no idea what to say and have no advice as I have little experience with a live in MLCer.
XW stayed home for the first 6 weeks after BD and it was horrific. The silence, the thick air and trying to put a fake smile on. I was sat on the bathroom Floor crying my heart out at 3am one morning, shark eyes came in, saw my pain and just barked "Stop crying before the Boys hear you". I told her to firetruck off back to bed and leave me alone.

A couple of weeks After she left (once PA was proved) she wanted to come back home to live in the cellar, cook, clean and live a normal life until the house was sold. Her conditions were that she would still want to "go her ways". I said "if that means cooking and eating with us and then we say bye whilst you drive to Om for a quickie then Forget it, I am not putting myself and my Boys through that". She said fine and didnt come home, im still glad that I made that decision. Life has been easier once off the rollercoaster though.

I feel somehow that you have come to far to just check out now helping, you should atleast speak to her, honestly about your Situation and where it is possibly leading. You may be surprised at what she says.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #60 on: January 07, 2019, 12:38:45 AM »
Roo
I'm sorry you are in same place. It flat out sucks.
Acorn
I hope your right. ATM I'm ok with my feelings. I've tried. What I'm doing isn't working. Not for her. Definetly not for me. Maybe I am too nice. 
Should I say anything to my W??? Or just go on???

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #61 on: January 07, 2019, 12:49:44 AM »
Thanks Whyus
My goodness I had almost identical encounter with W right after BD. She called me a crybaby, are you just gonna sit there and cry all day?? Did it with a smile too.

Whyus , I'm not giving up . I'm just changing how I stand.
I've always been there for her.  She uses me when she needs me. Just tired of being her DAMN H on call when she needs me. Which isn't very often.
But I am curious what she would think if I did say anything.
She acts as if that big fat elephant doesn't exist. He sits on top of me, so I know it's there.
But then again, what if talk pushes her back. ( This is for my benefit, not hers) but that's my main concern, will talk benefit either one of us?? Or just make things worse.


Offline Treasur

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #62 on: January 07, 2019, 01:49:11 AM »
Fwiw, helping, I'd sit with how you feel for a few days before deciding if you want to talk and what you want to say. The old Rule of 3  :)

You can't control how she will respond or react, but it will help if you feel clear in your own mind first about what you want to say and why and why now.

Everything you say seems pretty normal as others agree here. You are tired and unsure of what you are holding on to or for.
What would you need to feel less tired or more encouraged? What could she say that would make a difference either way?

Fwiw too, it sounds as if your zero f**ks given/enough convo with her family was a big healthy step for you personally. Has that influenced how you feel and/or was it an expression of your frustration with the situation generally?
« Last Edit: January 07, 2019, 01:50:29 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #63 on: January 07, 2019, 02:10:33 AM »
Thank You Treasur
I would agree waiting, and thinking would be the best choice.
I would like for her to tell me just give me some time, leave me alone. Just that simple. Maybe talk about her issues.  I know deep down Treasur that's probably not gonna happen. 

As for her family, I've always wanted to tell them off.  I never have, always tried to keep the peace. Smooth things over. My W always said to let it go. I'm ok!!!. Well we all knkw that she's not. Just little she has told me about this Crisis, those 3 are the main roots of it. Mainly her mom. So outside if them, I have no desire to let anyone have it. They deserved it. If they cause more, I will give them more. 


Online One day at a time

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #64 on: January 07, 2019, 03:11:17 AM »
I would love to do what you did with your W's family!! They are one of the main reasons my H is going through what he's going through.. And they think they are perfect!! It just angers me so much, more than what my H did..

In relation to your W, you just want to hear what everyone wants to hear.. So normal, so understandable.. The problem is that as you already pointed out, it might not happen.. How would you feel if it doesn't? That answer alone is what always stops me from talking to my H. I already got disappointed too many times, I just don't want to create another situation for him to do it again. Give it a few days anyway and see how you feel then.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Treasur

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #65 on: January 07, 2019, 03:25:53 AM »
Thank You Treasur
I would agree waiting, and thinking would be the best choice.
I would like for her to tell me just give me some time, leave me alone. Just that simple. Maybe talk about her issues.  I know deep down Treasur that's probably not gonna happen. 


Or if she says 'idk' or 'I don't want to talk about it'.
I think the reason we need the time, helping, is that we usually can't get much clarity from them so we are thinking the situation through with two heads in a way.

It is easier if we can separate out what WE need right now as things stand and what WE can do that doesn't need anything from them. And that includes recognising the progress we have made too and how maybe our thinking has changed.

Giving yourself time - and maybe start with the assumption that the next 3/6 months might be much the same as the last, even if you are open to positive surprises lol - to think about what drains you and what feeds you in your life overall and what standing means right now is probably a reasonable place to start. And it drags your eye back to you and things you can control maybe.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #66 on: January 07, 2019, 04:07:03 AM »
Help

I wouldn’t sit down and talk with her. You know what she wants, silence most times. She can’t care enough about you atm. Just go about your thing and if she asks keep it light and easy, no need for big decision making chats. If she asks why are you going away for the weekend or why are you doing this or that just say to get ‘me’ time or to ‘get some chat’. Without blaming or nipping at her. If she starts saying something to drag you back in, don’t bite.

It’s amazing how much alone time they need. My H has gone alone to the cinema over 50 times this year. And he walks alone around an hour a day. Lots of thinking time. And still he needs it. He still doesn’t try to get us to join him, he still needs to be alone and he has had a lot of alone time.

Your W, as my H does, needs time to work out her issues and really you don’t want her until she has worked it out as it’s no fun living like that.

Looking forward to hearing about how your new ‘putting you’ first goes. Your name is ‘helping me’ and that’s exactly what to do!

One thing I like about you is that you don’t try to rush her. You know it takes time, you know not to stage watch or have expectations. That’s what she needs, now is a chance to do what you need.

Treasur has on her last thread 10 things about yourself to get to know you better. Start there. It’s harder than you think. You don’t need to put them up here but what are the 10 most important things to you? If you have more you need to prioritise them.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #67 on: January 07, 2019, 04:28:13 AM »
One day
It felt good telling them. So don't hold back anything. Especially if they are doing your H wrong.
Treasur and Rose
Letting it rest is probably best.  It's been an emotional week for sure. I'm really not in a convo mood.  It would most likely go south in a hurry.


Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #68 on: January 07, 2019, 05:36:13 AM »
Helping, I would have said every word Rose wrote.
Very good advice.

I'd love to hear how Helping starts to live for himself now, rope out of hand.  :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #69 on: January 07, 2019, 06:58:15 AM »
Helping,

I want to apologize for my comments on your thread yesterday.  I was in a bad place, probably the worst place I've been in since BD.  I was was of no help and less advice!  Today is bringing on a whole new light (After a good run and a good cry!)

My advice:
Listen to everyone on here that is telling you to go on with yourself.  I am doing the same this morning. 

Talking to your W?  I would highly suggest you don't.  My own personal experience happened last week.  We started talking about our "situation" and my H turned the whole thing back on me.  I started to question my sanity, much like after BD. 

Rule of 3, Rule of 3, Rule of 3.  I'm learning too.

I think you and I are part of the fixers club and we both need to relinquish our memberships.  Myself, the holidays turned me back into a fixer for all, I started to forget about me again. 

I hope this morning you are doing better.  Back to asking ourselves. "What do I want?"  and then making it happen.  We need to let our spouses find their own way out. 

Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #70 on: January 07, 2019, 08:14:02 AM »
I don't have much to add on the advice side, except that I agree to not "talk about" you moving forward to get your own life. No need really b/c they are just not in a place to receive it. And it will in all likelihood be turned all around anyway. This is where I think it is especially hard on the LBS with live-in MLCers. B/c I am sure she will question you at some point. Or even resent you for having a life at all that doesn't include her. Such a double-edged sword which is so unfair. That is why standing is so hard.

Your "talk" with the inlaws will not go unnoticed. And I am sure that was cathartic for you as well. Sometimes people need to hear how their actions affect others. Nice work.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #71 on: January 07, 2019, 09:07:28 AM »
Thank you Roo, no need to apologize to me. Your reply was just fine. I know I'm not alone. Thank you for both replies. I understand the good ole cry helps. Me steering wheel  has took some serious abuse over last 2 years. I need to get off my lazy butt and get back to running.
Kit
Thanks for advice. More I read, the more I see what I should do. I just need to do it. W will most likely change her ways. She has in the past when she feels me slipping away. But this Time I need to stay slipping. Yes it is hard to just keep going, she knows how to get to me. Going to try and not fall vack in this time. That's my plan anyway.

Offline Kitty

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #72 on: January 07, 2019, 01:15:04 PM »
I know how you feel Helping.

When Grumpy dropped the D bomb on me at the end of August it actually kind of helped kick my butt in gear. I was doing good before that, but I was doing better in that month following.

Then he comes back and for 3 months it's all, "Please come home Kitty, I miss you Kitty, I don't want to push you away anymore."

The day after I got all moved out he was like, "I'm sorry Kitty, I made a mistake, I'll help you get a new apartment and furniture."

I'm tired of him using me too, when he and OW are fighting and he doesn't want to be alone he comes running to me to be his W, that way he can still feel good about himself.

Not gonna happen anymore. I will move forward with myself, he can either $h!te or get off the pot.
Me 38; H 42
Together 21 years; married 12
No kids, no pets
BD - Late October 2017 - H says he feels like he is living with a room mate at times (ILYBINILWY) and has considered separation.
8/31/18 - I was served, Grumpy has started His D.
9/28/18 - Grumpy doesn’t want D, paperwork sent to dissolve D petition.
1/3/19 - Back to having his D.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #73 on: January 08, 2019, 05:57:23 AM »
Thank you Kitty
Good to hear from you.
Yes your right. The games are exhausting. We have to let them go and move on. Let them work through their crap.

Well we had a convo last night. It wasn't me, it was her. She called the person from this site again yesterday. It's been over month.  We haven't talked anymore, but apparently it's still on her mind.
They talked for about 20 minutes this time. But I will post more when I can. It will be a long one. Alot of good came out of the talk. She finally opened up some and did take some responsibility of hers. I'll try post soon. I need some advice.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #74 on: January 08, 2019, 06:08:28 AM »
What?  She talks to someone from this site??  I didn't know that.

Ok, waiting for the low down.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online One day at a time

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #75 on: January 08, 2019, 06:25:13 AM »
Ok, waiting for the low down.   ;D
Me too!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Whyus

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #76 on: January 08, 2019, 06:30:30 AM »
So it wasnt you Thunder? Me neither  :D.
Hope your OK helping, sounds exhausting to say the least
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #77 on: January 08, 2019, 10:12:58 AM »
Help

Goodness we are on the edge of our seats here. Hopefully you are ok, I can’t belueve she spoke with someone for 20 mins from here. Glad you have nothing to hide from her (ie no more phone calls) makes things straightforward from your end.

Hopefully she has realised how she is treating a very decent man.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline islandgirl68

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #78 on: January 08, 2019, 11:18:47 AM »
Sorry Helping, I've been a funk and haven't been very supportive. Especially when you've been so helpful to me. We all reach a level of doneness. Where we are not sure to keep going down the same path or to take a new one. I wish I had your patience. I'm surprised it still bothers your W so much that you have friends  ??? It will be interesting to find out what happened. Take care friend  ;)
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H stuck being a man-child. Questioning my stand.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #79 on: January 08, 2019, 11:21:21 AM »
Thunder
She does not know of HS. All she knows is an online support group. She didn't ask any other info.

I got a text awhile ago

Helping I'm sorry I have hurt You, and I have treated you like crap. I am going to try and do better.
Thank You for all that you said. I did listen to every word you said and I believe you. I'm going to try harder.

That is the text from the little fruit bat. I will write the convo later.

Now I know that's not taking responsibility for all of it, but it's a start. It made me smile anyway!!!
I will write more when I can to explain more.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #80 on: January 08, 2019, 12:46:34 PM »
Thunder , One-day, Whyus, Rose, and Island. Thank you.

Well W called person from this site , she snooping on phone bill calling numbers on my phone.  I got message yesterday from friend saud heads up your wife just called me again.

Well last night W brought it up. It started bad, she was cocky and accused me of messing with this person, even said why don't you move in and shack up with her. I told I wasn't going to argue about thus and to not call her anymore.
Well she followed me outside.  Ask who she was? How long we talked? Have I met her in person?
I told her we just were friends and if she would have ask me I would have explained. I have nothing to hide.
Well W called down, told me that I haven't spoke to her in days. We don't communicate anymore. I don't touch her, I don't try to be intimate, I had moved out if bedroom. What was she supposed to think??
Well I was shocked.  I said are you serious???
She said we only talk when I start convos, you just listen. You never talk. She said you get mad at me over the smallest things now. You never used to do that. Told me we always communicated, we don't anymore.

Well I told her you have to know I've tried.  I tried for over 2 years.
She then said so you still have issues from over 2 years ago???? I ask her what issues?? She got quiet. Well I told her I'm trying to work through my issues.  You have issues too. That big fatass elephant in the room is the issue. You don't talk to me. You know DAMN well something is wrong.  Thus is not normal. I seen a tear hit her cheek. I broke down too. I told her I have tried so much, I just quit. I'm tired of playing games.
She spoke up and said I'm trying!!! She said I have issues. It's not easy. Somedays I need you. Somedays I want you to touch me. Somedays I want you to talk. Somedays I want to be held and then she said somedays I don't want to be around anybody. I don't want to to talk. I just need some room.
I told her I understood that. I need room too.
It's hard to read you you day in and day out. I make mistakes too you know.  I told her I wanted to hold her everyday.  I want to talk. Somedays she is just plain hateful to me. She agreed and said somedays I'm just moody and angry. I can't help that. Told me she needs to work on that.

She told me again she didn't deserve me. Well I told her your wrong. You do deserve me. You deserve alot more than me.
She looked at me and said just because you tell me that, I don't feel that. I have to feel it and I don't. It's me not you.

She told me that she knows I love her and she feels loved.  Things are just not easy. I told her nothing is easy. Sometimes it's hard. Marriage is hard.
She agreed, said she has to work in that.

She told me she was going try harder. Said we can work together.  Give each other room and try to communicate more.
I told her I try to give her room, but we do live in the same house. It got brought up about her walking around nude in front of me. Well she told me same thing, well we do live together, I have a right to be naked in my house. I said fair enough. I told her she does have the right, I'll be more understanding there(that is my issue I guess)

But convo was good. Ended good anyway. She said she understood me talking to someone. Said she would not call anymore numbers, that was my business not hers. I told her from now on if she's curious, just ask me. She agreed.

Convo ended with her saying she would try and communicate more. Just please be patient with her. I told I can do that. Not a problem. I told her do as she pleases.  She doesn't owe me any explanations. I don't expect that. I don't expect things to be better overnight either.she agreed and said we can work together. We used too!!!!!

But I went back to my bed, she went to hers. No more talking till the text at lunch from her. We will see how it goes when I get home.
Now I know some of this is coming from her thinking I was messing around, but some I think she meant. She really us trying.
I think I will move back to our bedroom tonight. IDK. Advice needs there. 
But I'm going to stay doing my thing. Give her room and take my time too. She actually told me that last night, that I needed to go do things.

But what do yall think??? Real?? Or all just checking me????
Please be honest. I know most of you will, ha.
I need straight advice.

Thanks again my friends

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #81 on: January 08, 2019, 01:26:47 PM »
Helping, I think some important things got said here, from both of you.
Unfortunately she is still in the victim mode, but I see some progress with her.

I would believe some of the things she said, but she is still not seeing the non conversations are from her clamming up, she thinks you should just read her mind and know when she needs you to talk and when not to.  That's a little unfair.

What if you told her you would like to move back in the bedroom but only if she is ready for that and see how she feels about that.  Get her answer.  Then go from there.

One thing she said did disturb me.  Women are not dumb, if you walk around in front of a man naked you know what you are doing, so that one was not on the up and up.
If I lived with my uncle I wouldn't feel it appropriate to walk around naked.  Living together is not an excuse.  You're a woman, they are men. 

Well just see how things go from here.  Don't expect too much too soon, but you should expect SOME kind of change, or some action if she is in fact trying.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #82 on: January 08, 2019, 01:37:49 PM »
Hi Helping.  Here is my straight advice:

1.  Please remember to not have any expectations.  This is so important and I have to remind myself often.  I see my H cycling towards me and making what I believe to be big changes, and then he is gone again.  We have had similar conversations that you just had.  Things get better for awhile and then they slip back.  The key is to not slip back with them.  If she slips back, you keep going forward.  Expectations at this point will = frustration. 

2.  The bedroom dilemma.  My situation is different than yours as when I found out about the OW I made my H move out of our bedroom.  (I wanted him to move out of the house but he wouldn't go)  When I knew for sure the OW was gone and he wasn't looking for anyone else, I let him back into our room slowly.  It was by in no means a grand gesture.  He started out by coming in and saying goodnight to me.  I let him drive it.  it was a very slow process.  I would suggest taking it slow with your W.  Possibly asking to come in at night to say good night?  Giving her a hug and going back to your space?  I would often take the lead too by going his room and giving him a hug goodnight too.  I would grab him and hug him sometimes for no reason. Sometimes it would be reciprocated, sometimes not.  One day just 3 months ago my H asked to move back into our room.  I let him.  It's very interesting though because 1/2 of his stuff is still in the other room.  He often will sleep in there too saying his legs hurt and he didn't want to bother me.  They need space, you have to be able to give it to them. I do know that if there was ever any OP he would be out in a heartbeat. He knows this too.   

3.  Sometimes in our conversations in the last 3 years my H has said to me. "Roo you need to go do things and have something that is your own."  It took me a long to to see it, but he was right.  I have started to build "me"  things into my routine.  I think maybe now he regrets saying that in that he has definitely noticed I don't pay as much attention to him as I used to.   I am starting to like me again. I've actually discovered after raising a house full of children, good alone time is kind of nice.  I think your wife is telling you to keep going with your GALing.  Not just for her, but for you.  I know for me the more I liked myself, the more it shows to everyone around you.   

So in a nutshell:  No expectations. Take it slow, but take some chances too, Keep finding out who Helping is.  I know these are all cliche sayings, but sometimes if you get drawn into their world you forget. 

Keep moving forward Helping.  Don't let this sidetrack you.  Your W could show a completely different side tomorrow.  She is still in her MLC.   
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #83 on: January 08, 2019, 03:47:01 PM »
Help

Good update, it must be difficult trying to remember what you both said! You should have asked her if you could take notes for your HS friends! Ha ha maybe not!

I noticed you said to her ‘marriage is hard’ but you need to remember this is HER crisis. Not to do with your marriage. Not to do with you. She is having a crisis. Yes it impacts your marriage, how could it not, but keep it at the front if your mind that she has had a breakdown and is trying to fix herself.

I love what Thunder said about her being naked (and thanks for your kudos earlier Thunder too).

When you said she can do as she pleases, what was that about?

When she says she’ll work on things I guess she’s still not thinking of IC? She needs it with her FOO issues, doesn’t sound like she’s thinking like that yet.

Don’t move back to the room, you’ve got a bit of space - keep it for a while. Maybe a month. Do it, mix it up a bit, change things and see what happens. You need space from her and this is one way to do it. Don’t let one convo get you back dragged in again. Go away for the weekend to see family too! She wants you to do things and this is what it’s about, walking alone for a while. It’s rewarding once you start, difficult to start though I know, and she’s such a clinger.

(I love how she said to be patient with her and my thread is called patience! Oh that little fruit bat!)

Keep posting
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #84 on: January 09, 2019, 03:40:11 AM »
Thunder , Roo, Rose
Thank You for straight and honest advice.
She ask me to come back to our bed last night. I did ask if this is what she wanted?  She told me I shouldn't have to stay in other bedroom. Well , I did go back.
Rose, I do agree with you on this, but I cdnt tell her no. She seemed like she needs me atm. But if things change, I will go back and this time will be for awhile.

Roo I will not fall back in. I'm going to stay as I am. It's easier to GAL, and do things when it is peaceful.  I will keep going on. No expectations either.  I've been at this ling enough to know they can't change overnight. I'm going to stay as busy as I can.
Thunder, I do agree with you on her playing mind games using her body, she has done this from the beginning. Early on just to be flat out hateful. Now more of just checking. But still the same thing, it's wrong. 

Rose, I told her to keep doing as she wants. She told me she would let me know where she goes, when she coming home, etc. I told her I didn't need that. I don't expect that either. If ahe wants to let me know, well go ahead. I'm never going.to tell her I NEED  that from her. If she chooses to abuse that and take advantage of me again, well that's her, not me.
I agree to this is her crisis. This us her issues to work thru. The marriage comment was made as for moving forward. The future of our marriage. I told her it would take both of us working together and it would be hard for awhile. First time marriage in the future has been mentioned in a long time.
She needs an IC. I agree. I hope she will seek some help.

She told me last night last 2 weeks were very stressful. She also mentioned she was stressed more by worrying about being there for me during the break. I told her she didn't need to do that. She said it's not that easy to not worry and stress over things. 
She also told me again she will try and be more open talking to me and letting me know if things are bothering her, if she'struggling. That will be a huge thing for me. I hate the wondering game.

I appreciate yalls input. I will keep it all in my head. Although I did do somethings(maybe wrong) I'll keep my guard up. I will keep looking for change in her.  I will keep doing my thing, probably even more.

I will try and post more of things that come to my mind over the convo.
Have a good one my friends.
Any more info or advice you have. Please keep it coming.


Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #85 on: January 09, 2019, 05:57:21 AM »
Quote
[/  I will keep doing my thing, probably even more. quote]

This is key for me right now too.  The holidays, while nice, gave me a false sense of my H coming around to a more normal state.  He dove back in and is dealing with more issues now.

You sound good Helping.  I really hope your W can find a counselor.  IC seems to be making a difference in my H moving forward. (Albeit at a snails pace). He has wanted to quit several times but keeps going on my encouragement. 

You have your boundaries in place  and your eyes wide open.  You are handing your situation the way you feel is best.  You are doing all the right things!  Keep going.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #86 on: January 09, 2019, 06:21:45 AM »
Awesome update  helping, No advice from me as the golden Girls have said it all and are spot on.
IF you W wants you back in the bedroom the go for it! i dont think that she Needs rejection atm.
Good luck fella, im proud of you
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #87 on: January 09, 2019, 07:18:30 AM »
Thank you Roo and Whyus
I'm keeping my guard up. I will keep it slow.
I will be looking for any changes good or bad.
Hopefully she will continue to work on herself.
I got sweet text this morning from her. I know just words, hoping her actions follow along.

Online One day at a time

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #88 on: January 09, 2019, 07:21:10 AM »
Great news Helping.. I know you can't get too excited for now, time will tell but do enjoy the good times. It certainly does sound like a step in the right direction!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #89 on: January 09, 2019, 07:52:22 AM »
Well she’s definitely thinking about you! This was a really good talk. And so necessary for paving the way. It is pretty clear your emotional shift was heard loud and clear by her!

No expectations is key. And the bedroom issue is one I think only you will know when the time is right.

These talks are brutal on the emotions. But you handled it authentically and lovingly. Perfect combo in my view.

Doing great Helping!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #90 on: January 10, 2019, 07:09:15 AM »
Thank you KiT and OneDay
Little Fruit Bat is still good.  Hoping she continues. Last night she moved over in the bed. If yall remember our King size bed has been turned into 2 double beds. I mean seperated sheets and  blankets.  She was already in bed when I got in. Once I got in bed, she rolled over and wrapped her arms around mine and laid her head on my shoulder and fell asleep. We didn't talk much last night. But the sleeping arrangement was nice.

I have read and reread the replies to me and a couple of really blunt and honest PMs, I'm back to my normal self. Butterflies are gone. Best way I can explain it. I did have those feelings again. But they are gone again. Reality is, it's still MLC, and a long ways to go.
I will enjoy the peaceful time, it will be easier to keep going.

Have good one my friends. Appreciate all the advice.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #91 on: January 10, 2019, 07:21:55 AM »
Sounds good, helping.  It's a little positive movement.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #92 on: January 10, 2019, 09:20:49 AM »
Help

I forgot you had separate sheets. Glad she fell asleep on you, that was nice.

It’s also nice you said you read and reread your advice and PM’s (I do hope I wasn’t too blunt). This site is great isn’t it. Imagine life without the advice!

You seem more like yourself, good for you!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #93 on: January 10, 2019, 02:56:29 PM »
Wow, Helping, a lot happened, eh?!

My skeptical LBS brain alerts me that your little FB is in a very transparent pursuit mode and trying to reel you into her own preferred scenario where you are on standby for her.   
My normal brain tells me it may be a positive step forward.  I don’t know.  It’s all speculation anyway.

I’d say it’s good idea to keep ‘No Expectation’ at the forefront of your thoughts and also decide your course of action based on what you think you would like to do, not because she asked or wanted.  From what I read so far, you appear to be quite cool headed.  Good for you! 

I hope FB can see you more and more as a good man and husband that you are, and not someone to keep in her orbit.  This darn MLC make them so self centred.  You are very well aware of that.

Keep on keeping your cool head, Helping!

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #94 on: January 11, 2019, 11:09:55 AM »
Thank you Thunder, Rose, Acorn.
W is still on the good side of reality.
She has done this in the past. Never have we had a R talk that didn't end in total disaster, so it's just a little progress.
Another thing, she has shed more tears this week than she has in the last year. I know people can fake those too. W is still in hot pursuit.  She text me yesterday and ask what did I want her to cook???? That's a first. I told her I would pick something up on the way home.

Rose, I love the advice. Yes, it has saved me alot of pain, as long as I listen, ha.
But u have my head back on straight. So we will see how this goes. Funny how things are so good, and I'm waiting for the fallout. I've been faking it to make it, so I guess I can can fake enjoying it too. Not much difference.

Have a good weekend my friends.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #95 on: January 11, 2019, 12:08:34 PM »
Aw Helping you should have said, steak and potatoes.  ha ha  Maybe she wanted to cook for you.  Cooking for someone is showing them love (or nurturing, depending on who it's for).  Just sayin'....

You sound good, yep no expectations just sit back, do your thing and see what she does.   :)
Unless it's real they can't usually fake too long.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #96 on: January 11, 2019, 12:14:56 PM »
Sounds like you're doing well, Helping. I've been a bit off the grid due to some travels, but now that I'm checking in, it's good to see you in a good place.

Keep enjoying the good times when they come. I think after going through so many cycles, it maybe gets a bit easier to appreciate the normal times and recognize that the crazy cycles don't last.

Also, measuring MLC progress is kind of like measuring geological time, huh? Like tracking the progress of a glacier. It happens, but man is it slow!

Hang in there, my friend. Like Thunder said, keep doing your thing.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline in it

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #97 on: January 11, 2019, 12:45:14 PM »
 Agree with Thunder. Cooking for someone is  among the many other ways you can show someone you love them..
Helpingme! did she enjoy cooking before this happened?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #98 on: January 11, 2019, 01:13:32 PM »
Thanks Thunder, PJ, and In it.
Thunder it did cross my mind, ha.
PJ, yes it is slow and trying to figure them out is a waste of time.
In It my W always cooked. She was one to ask what we wanted. It's just still hard for me to ask anything if her.  I kniw she ask me, but it's still a mind game to me. She knows for last 2 plus years I mainly fend for myself. So she was probably wanting to cook me something.

Offline in it

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #99 on: January 11, 2019, 01:27:26 PM »
I understand asking for something is hard. Maybe there will be a next time or maybe you can ask her what her favorite thing to cook is? (unless you already know) She's wanting to offer you something...possibly.

I know it's gotta be tough to figure out if she's being genuine or just setting you up again. They are messed up and I really give you credit for trying to deal with her. It got to be exhausting.

I don't want to involve too much hope in any department with this "whatever this is"  everyone is dealing with. But I know for me falling asleep on my SO means I feel comfortable, relaxed and safe. Again, that doesn't really address any of your feelings.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #100 on: January 11, 2019, 02:53:19 PM »
Thank you In It
I will handle it differently if she offers again.
Your thoughts on her falling asleep? Yes it helps. What I feel is she does want too. She hasn't came close to sleeping by me, much less touching me.  So it was a comfortable feeling for me.
MLC is a constant mind game, for me anyway. I have been hesitant to give in to her for awhile now. I've made her initiate most all talks, contact. So I am going loosen up some. I just think I have to be there some for her.  She is trying.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #101 on: January 12, 2019, 04:46:20 AM »
Help

This is the dance BB talks about. Along the lines of walking the tightrope during replay but only you know when you need to take a step towards her.  All the advice is great but you are living it so you know best. Another tricky stage!

She is trying.

This reminded me of my H during replay. We had a ‘talk’ while he was still living here and working from here but in constant contact with OW who he worked with. After the talk he went to do some work then went out somewhere so I snooped - I was at that stage. He had written a few notes about our talk down and put the date on it. I felt sick as I wondered who had advised him to do that and thought he obviously may use it against me. Also seeing it written down was different to how it felt during the talk. I felt I was being quite fair but his highlights read very bluntly.
Anyway from the talk one of the few things he wrote down was ‘she says I’m not trying’. This must have been a big deal to him but I didn’t rate it as anything big at all in the talk (My main thing was OW).  I made sure any talk after that included ‘I know you are trying’ more than once! I think they are trying in their own way although it doesn’t seem like it from our end.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #102 on: January 14, 2019, 03:22:34 AM »
Thank You Rose. What an awkward dance it is.
W is still on the good side.  There has been more tears from her. I'm trying to keep myself from breaking down in front of her, I have managed so far.
Mainly at night when she laying in bed, I'll see her wipe her her eyes or hear a little sniffle. Of course I would like to ask are you ok???? But I quit that one a long time ago.
We haven't had any form of R talks any more. Just keeping it peaceful.
Hoping she continues to work thru her issues. I'm trying to enjoy every moment.  But it is hard trying to enjoy anything while my MLC mind is thinking well this isn't going to last. I'm working on that.  It is reality in MLC, but I can't live with negative thoughts in my head everyday. One more issue I have to get past.
W did change the sheets and covers on our bed.  It is now back to one King size bed. No more double beds, ha.

It's Monday my friends. Wishing you all a good week.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #103 on: January 14, 2019, 03:40:01 AM »
Sounding good Helping. Congratulations on the new Sheets.
The Girls are might mate, if FB asks you again what you would like to eat then tell her. She wants to do something nice without talking about the White elephant. Something normal to make you happy, to sit together at the table and enjoy a meal. Maybe she even gets a compliment from you.
Small/normal Things in RL but for FB it couls be massive massive. Dont let her see it as rejection helping, she is reaching out to you with the offer and Food is always good right?

Stay strong dude!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #104 on: January 14, 2019, 03:42:19 AM »
Helping, I don't mean to  get personal..BUT  ;D do you hold her at night?  Or is that a no no?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Silver

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #105 on: January 14, 2019, 05:48:15 AM »
Catching up Helping.
So glad to see she is still trying and that YOU are still handling this so well bro!
It is a hell of a mind game yes but you have played like a champ. Just stay who you are and do what you do.
Bed update is good as well, though I would love to hear you answering to Thunder's question as well.
I remember how lost I felt when I hold XW at the time things were already going south. She was physically so close and still so very far.
Hurt so much. She was different from yours anyway, your fruit bat  ;D is really trying and that's just great.




"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #106 on: January 14, 2019, 06:03:59 AM »
Thank You Whyus, Thunder, and Silver. 
Whyus I did take the offer. She did it again. She was going to the grocery store and ask what I wanted this week for supper. I told her one. Well she said I'll get some others, I know what you like. So she did take it good.

Thunder and Silver, yes I do hold her. That is when the tears start to fall. I don't say anything, but I do let her know I'm there. I think for now that is best. My actions are better than words too. JMO. 
She did have another episode of asking me if I thought she looked good. (This was not teasing moment. She has made it clear to me that if I don't try anything, it's my own fault. )
But I answered you look amazing to be 43. (I know ladies, probably not best answer) but I answered again and said u look as good as you did at 18. Well her answer was I don't ever want to be 18 again. I just want to be happy with myself now.
So there is still some mind spinning for her.
All contact has been initiated by her. I'm being soft when she does. I got a text this morning. FB said I love you Helping. I mean it too, I'm not just saying it.
I think she is trying. We have a very long way to go. More peaceful it is. The faster time goes. So I'll take it.

My Bday is this week and she is already asking what I want to do? Said we have to celebrate. We will see how it goes.


Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #107 on: January 14, 2019, 08:15:29 PM »
It's a tightrope isn't it: you don't want to push too hard, but you don't want to slow her down when she wants to come closer. Sounds like you're handling it well. Just don't look down!

My W still hasn't shown the slightest sign of remorse. If she were to actually shed a tear, I would probably drown in a puddle of my own. Congrats on keeping yourself together. I think it's a good sign that your Fruitbat is trying.

Happy Birthday!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #108 on: January 15, 2019, 05:57:40 AM »
Thanks PJ
It is a constant mind spin.
She's still good. It's been a week. A week is a fraction of a second in MLC. But time is ticking on!!

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #109 on: January 15, 2019, 09:18:56 AM »
Thanks PJ
It is a constant mind spin.
She's still good. It's been a week. A week is a fraction of a second in MLC. But time is ticking on!!

You are right, in another week it’ll be almost February and you’ll have survived another month! Glad she’s still good.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #110 on: January 16, 2019, 12:27:12 AM »
Quote
All contact has been initiated by her. I'm being soft when she does.

I think this is a wise approach IMHO.  You don’t want to be the pursuer.  I figure MLCers are the ones who turned their bakc to LBS and drifted away, and it’s only logical that they turn toward LBS and walk toward them.  LBS can’t grab their shoulders, turn them and frogmarch toward us. You understand this ‘principle’ so well, Helping.  :)

I believe that our job as the LBS, if we wish to accept the MLCer back, is to show grace by being receptive to their prelude and respond in kind by being unambigous in our acknowledgement of their efforts.  MLCers that are healing after the worst is over, are not babies, yet emotionally so tender and therefore easily bruised.  (Well, at least according to what I have seen with my MLCer, and that’s only one anecdotal evidence as I would like to qualify often.:D)  This is something I keep in mind as H and I march forward in our relationship.

Take what you will of my post, Helping, and ignore the rest. 
All the best!




Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #111 on: January 16, 2019, 03:45:41 AM »
Thank You Rose and Acorn.
Rose your right. At some times it seems as if time is dragging on. Slow as a salted snail. Then when you look back, I say man it's been a long time, it doesn't seem that long.
Acorn I take everything in. Always.
I'm still trucking a long with my life. Actually more than I was before she has pulled closer.  Yes , I wonder am I trying to hard to keep going.
I've looked at it like what I was doing was right, so W is d oimg ok, well better. So I'm going to keep doing it. I may be wrong. Oh well, I've been wrong so many times before. I'll learn as I go.
Just little things Acorn like sleeping. I always get on my little piece of the world on my side. I'm used to it, sorry. Over this last week she always waits a little and then here she comes.
I feel that arm wrap over mine. Now this is fine. But as her H, I know she can't sleep on her left side. Shoulder issues. It's just painful for her. So I'm thinking I need to move over first. Just thinking if her.  Nothing to do with MLC.
IDK my mind thinks of little things. I know people probably say my goodness is that all he has to worry about???
But it's just where my mind goes.
Ok, I'll quit whining.  I think everyone knows my thoughts. I'm just battling what to do and what not to do.
But I'm good. ATM the FB is good too. So onward we go.

W made a comment yesterday that she wanted to stain the deck this summer. Well she planning on staying that long I guess, lol. That is good.
Baseball starts Monday, so it will be busy till May. Very busy for me. Cdnt happen at a better time.
Have a wonderful day my friends.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #112 on: January 16, 2019, 07:16:26 AM »
Well I got text from FB this morning that said

Happy Birthday. I don't know what it feels like to be 45, but I'll catch up soon!
You remember on your 16th Bday I gave you a knife and you carved our names in the pier at the lake???
We have alot if life to live, I'm glad We can spend it together.
I Love You Helping.

Well her little mind is spinning this morning thinking that far back. I hope she keeps moving along.

Have a good one my friends.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #113 on: January 16, 2019, 07:21:04 AM »
Oh wow!  That's certainly a positive sign.   ;D ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #114 on: January 16, 2019, 07:40:32 AM »
Well I got text from FB this morning that said

Happy Birthday. I don't know what it feels like to be 45, but I'll catch up soon!
You remember on your 16th Bday I gave you a knife and you carved our names in the pier at the lake???
We have alot if life to live, I'm glad We can spend it together.
I Love You Helping.

Well her little mind is spinning this morning thinking that far back. I hope she keeps moving along.

Have a good one my friends.

Happy birthday Help!

Sounds much more genuine than last year. Good for her!

That’s made my day.
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #115 on: January 16, 2019, 07:54:31 AM »
Oops, I got so carried away by what she wrote I forgot...

Happy Birthday, my friend!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Nas

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #116 on: January 16, 2019, 07:55:10 AM »
Happy Birthday!
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #117 on: January 16, 2019, 09:02:38 AM »
Thank You Thunder, Rose , and Nas
It's way better than last year. It feels more genuine anyway.
I'm floating back down off my cloud though.
Getting back down to normal.

Online One day at a time

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #118 on: January 16, 2019, 11:06:09 AM »
Happy birthday Helping!! You got a lovely text from FB  :)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #119 on: January 16, 2019, 12:23:37 PM »
What a wonderful B-Day text from FB! That put a smile on my face today.

And Happy BDay Help!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #120 on: January 16, 2019, 12:39:39 PM »
Thank You One-day and Kit.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #121 on: January 16, 2019, 01:18:12 PM »
Happy birthday from me too  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #122 on: January 16, 2019, 02:33:44 PM »
Happy Birthday Helping!  :D

Its nice to see that FB is remembering the happy times. This really did put a smile on my face.
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H stuck being a man-child. Questioning my stand.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #123 on: January 16, 2019, 04:28:54 PM »
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Helping!
That was a lovely message from FB.  She is thinking and thinking some more.  Cooking nicely, I’d say.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #124 on: January 16, 2019, 04:31:40 PM »
Happy birthday, Helping.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #125 on: January 17, 2019, 01:11:59 AM »
Happy Birthday, Helping!

Cooking nicely I'd say.....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #126 on: January 17, 2019, 03:52:24 AM »
Thank You Treasur, Island, Acorn, and UM.
Birthday was good.  I had 2 gifts waiting on me when I got home. S21 got me one as well.
S17 was being a little testy last night with FB. He has an appt. Today and he doesn't want to go. Well they argued a bit before I stepped in and told S17 that's enough, your going. Drop it.
Well as he walked off FB said it's only day I cd schedule. I'm doing best I can. I can barely keep up with everything. I told her it's fine. He will go. She was upset(thinking s17 is upset)
It's all minor stuff. No kid wants to go to Dr. Appt., but tuff. He will go. She was visibly upset rest of the night.
She laid quiet in the bed, right before she fell asleep she rolled over and said I hope your day was good.  You deserve it.
She's still trying. She is still struggling with simple things though. That's obvious.
Still easing along.
Have a good one my friends

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #127 on: January 17, 2019, 04:01:15 AM »
The road of recovery is one inch at a time, as you said - ‘easing along’.
I think it helped me a great deal when I treated H’s MLC as some kind of ‘disease’ which cannot be hurried in the healing process.  It takes as long as it does.

You can see she is trying her best to be a responsible mom re S’s appointment.  You supported her and your S by telling it as is - You have an appointment, you go to it.  Full stop.  These teenagers always push their boundaries.  They try to do things according to how they feel, not what they should. Remind you or MLCers?  You betya! 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #128 on: January 17, 2019, 05:51:26 AM »
Acorn your so right on the disease part. It does help.

The battle with s17 is her making. She knows that. Since he was 14 she has been his big sister, not his MOMMA. That is the worst time to let a kid, especially a boy do as he wants.
It will take awhile for her to mend that with him. Usually all I have to do is make eye contact with him and he will stop.

W sent a text this morning about S17. I knew it was bothering her. 
She said I'm not going to Dr. Appt with him. He is going on his own. I have to let him grow up. I can't keep him forever.
(I knew the empty nest thing is a big one) she said he can be mad all he wants, but he has to learn to be responsible.

I agree. I told her it's no big deal. He's going.
W said, I know, it's going to be a good day.

Just little more of how she thinks.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #129 on: January 17, 2019, 06:44:51 AM »
Happy late Birthday Helping!

Showing signs of parenting is HUGE!! I know for me it was.  My H cycles between being the annoying big brother to actually giving good solid parenting advice.  Hope your W keeps us up.  Enjoy the good as it comes!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #130 on: January 17, 2019, 07:31:48 AM »
FB acknowledging that she has to let your son grow up is a really big deal. I'm happy she sees it. Empty nesting is very difficult, particularly - I think - for women that have a lot of their self-identity wrapped up in their kids.

My W started her MLC about the time my youngest graduated from HS. She says she didn't know who she was anymore and started hanging out with single co-workers, drinking with them, and working extra. The energy she previously invested in her kids started going to work and friends. Overtime led to a special project with OM#1 and things went downhill from there.  >:(

I also agree with Acorn on treating MLC as a disease. Like a flu or something, it has to run its course. All we can do is work on our own health.

And you do deserve a good day. Lots of 'em!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 5
« Reply #131 on: January 17, 2019, 11:37:38 AM »
Thank You Roo and PJ
Roo, her being a Momma again is going to be hard. Same as the rest of this mess , I can't help her there.
PJ
My W was the same. S21 was a senior, it all started to go downhill. Saud she didn't have a purpose anymore. Stayed at work more. Volunteered more for projects at work. And yes, OM was right there with her. Weird how so many are alike. Or reasons are the same anyway.

 

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