Author Topic: My Story He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience  (Read 1186 times)

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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My Story He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« on: December 14, 2018, 10:05:53 AM »
Hi there and welcome to my new thread.

Here’s a link to my last thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10349.msg700760#msg700760

Brief history of my story...
2014 - there are a few family illnesses and deaths but H seems himself
2015 - H decided we should move house and we sell our home which I am happy enough to do
2016 - move house, BD1 H tells me we are growing apart and life sucks, H in monster mode
2017 - H is in monster mode, BD2 I find out about MOW from his work, he has issues at work with performance. As MOW lives a 5 hour drive from us the A is mainly EA and H is in almost constant contact with her so I told him he can’t live here and be in touch with her.  He agreed and he moved out to stay with his parents as can not afford anywhere on his own as we had so recently moved house. Obviously I hoped he would say ‘yes I agree I will stop calling her!’. MOW wants to work at her marriage so I feel ‘lucky’. 
2018 - H has been decent towards me so I am still standing. I couldn’t have carried on standing if he was treating me as he was in 2016/2017 so I have a bit of hope in my heart. I will detail out 2018 a bit more in another post.

After my first thread I called the next one Lucky as it was how I was feeling. The next thread was Hope as I realised how important that was, especially after my friend, Rose2, being diagnosed treated for and eventually dying from cancer during that thread.  Hope was something she didn’t have and I wanted to recognise that I had it. Sometimes I could feel it more than other times.

I decided to call this thread Patience. The dictionary says it is ‘the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed’. Now I’m not saying I’m not annoyed but I am saying I feel patience is really important and I have noticed this more so recently. In RL they don’t understand why this MLC is going on like this so long. I agree but I also see the damage and understand why I need to be patient. On HS I realise we are impatient trying to get through the stages and I find myself gravitating to those with patience who understand that we need to let them feel free, not to stage watch and to not believe replay is over too soon - or that reconnection has started too soon!

Rose 🌹
« Last Edit: December 14, 2018, 10:30:04 AM by Rosetintedglasses »
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2018, 10:14:11 AM »
Following along Rose.
Stage watching and jumping the gun , thinking it's better!!! Both not good. Ha, we are learning.
I never understood how strong we have to be, to really have patience.  String patience. 
I remember in prayer meeting one time, patience was brought up. Well the Preacher said are you sure you want to pray for patience????? Person said yes!!!! He said ok! You better be ready!!!! He said I'll pray for you for strength to handle what is to come.
Didn't think much if it them. I do now.
Hang in there Rose. 

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2018, 10:28:06 AM »
I never understood how strong we have to be, to really have patience.  String patience. 
I remember in prayer meeting one time, patience was brought up. Well the Preacher said are you sure you want to pray for patience????? Person said yes!!!! He said ok! You better be ready!!!! He said I'll pray for you for strength to handle what is to come.
Didn't think much if it them. I do now.

Great input Help. Glad to have you here (but also sorry you are here!)

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2018, 11:29:44 AM »
Following along and waiting patiently for more updates!
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs -

Offline sachat3

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2018, 12:47:01 PM »
Following along :) hoping you get the patience you need during this time.
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2018, 01:23:59 PM »
Ok Sam well I have an update that I didn’t expect.  H just called me.

Not sure if this all chronologically fits in but I need to jump to it. He was telling me a couple of things and said he had seen his friends at the funeral and felt ‘dis-ingenuine-ous if that’s a word’ as they were asking him how things were and he wasn’t saying the truth he was saying ‘ok’ glossing over it and changing the subject. He is going out with them again tomorrow and said he might tell them all and then feel better about it. I just listened and agreed but then said if he tells them then I need to tell other people as I can’t have my friends & family hearing it from the wrong source. He said that was ok. I eventually had to ask what would he say to them and he said ‘well just that i’m Not living with you guys anymore and I’m Staying at my parents, not much else to say and they probably won’t ask much about it. Maybe your friends will ask more if you tell them’.

I really wanted to ask more and delve straight in to ‘are you ever coming back’ but managed to leave it at that.

I now feel slightly sick which I think is the loss of control over the info. Also the fact that he seems to be thinking it’s an ok situation, he doesn’t seem to have any coming back plans. The thing is he was talking so much like the real him that it makes the situation more difficult to understand and accept.

I have been thinking recently that we can’t keep it to ourselves much longer and it may help us both actually but it’s scary.

Not sure if he’ll mention OW, maybe he’s forgotten about her. I don’t think he will but then maybe he’s still seeing her and not bothered. Actually when I think about it I think the men will all ask if he has an OW and he will not deny her.  I just don’t want the children to find out about her.

I have to e-mail him about something else, he asked me to on the phone, so maybe i’ll State that as a fact so as not to get in to it but also so he knows if the children find out about OW it changes things.

Can’t imagine them thinking this is a good move for him so will be interesting to see what they say.

Thanks for your patience 😉
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2018, 01:26:24 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Rose!
As you alluded, nothing in MLC happens ‘soon’ or suddenly. 
You wise woman, you are right, no point in stage watching.
Might as well watch glacier melt.
May your patience not be tested!

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Treasur

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2018, 01:49:17 PM »
Rose, perhaps this is a patience test...
Maybe do nothing for a bit? Mlcers often say things but don't do them. And you're making some assumptions maybe that might feed themselves if you mention it to him? You could just take it at face value and trust that friends/the universe will tell you if you need to know more?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2018, 02:14:10 PM »
No doubt this will test your patience. 
I don't know why and I don't think he will mention OW. Now he may tell them we are in a bumpy spot in the road and I'm living with my parents. Nothing more.
I don't even know why he would say that , only if they ask.

I wouldn't tell anybody unless you want Rose. If he does tell, and someone Ask, well that's a different story.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #9 on: December 14, 2018, 02:42:54 PM »
Thank you and it’s so funny Acorn says hope your patience isn’t tested and then Treasur says this may test your patience. That’s MLC! As you said previously Helpingme we can’t easily plan ahead and don’t even know what will happen tomorrow. To be fair it’s been peaceful for a while.

Treasur I appreciate your advice and you are right I need to not say anything for now. I e-mailed him as he asked but didn’t add anything more to it!

I wonder if this sees a change in him, some acceptance of the situation or him wanting to be more honest and be free to think and speak the truth without wondering who is around (except for the children). Or maybe he is seeing this with rosetintedglasses and believes this is how we can live forever!

Who knows, I feel a bit better and found my patience - can’t believe I almost lost it already! Ha ha ha

Thanks for your advice so much. I’ll keep you updated
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

 

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