Author Topic: My Story He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience  (Read 1182 times)

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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My Story He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« on: December 14, 2018, 10:05:53 AM »
Hi there and welcome to my new thread.

Here’s a link to my last thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10349.msg700760#msg700760

Brief history of my story...
2014 - there are a few family illnesses and deaths but H seems himself
2015 - H decided we should move house and we sell our home which I am happy enough to do
2016 - move house, BD1 H tells me we are growing apart and life sucks, H in monster mode
2017 - H is in monster mode, BD2 I find out about MOW from his work, he has issues at work with performance. As MOW lives a 5 hour drive from us the A is mainly EA and H is in almost constant contact with her so I told him he can’t live here and be in touch with her.  He agreed and he moved out to stay with his parents as can not afford anywhere on his own as we had so recently moved house. Obviously I hoped he would say ‘yes I agree I will stop calling her!’. MOW wants to work at her marriage so I feel ‘lucky’. 
2018 - H has been decent towards me so I am still standing. I couldn’t have carried on standing if he was treating me as he was in 2016/2017 so I have a bit of hope in my heart. I will detail out 2018 a bit more in another post.

After my first thread I called the next one Lucky as it was how I was feeling. The next thread was Hope as I realised how important that was, especially after my friend, Rose2, being diagnosed treated for and eventually dying from cancer during that thread.  Hope was something she didn’t have and I wanted to recognise that I had it. Sometimes I could feel it more than other times.

I decided to call this thread Patience. The dictionary says it is ‘the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed’. Now I’m not saying I’m not annoyed but I am saying I feel patience is really important and I have noticed this more so recently. In RL they don’t understand why this MLC is going on like this so long. I agree but I also see the damage and understand why I need to be patient. On HS I realise we are impatient trying to get through the stages and I find myself gravitating to those with patience who understand that we need to let them feel free, not to stage watch and to not believe replay is over too soon - or that reconnection has started too soon!

Rose 🌹
« Last Edit: December 14, 2018, 10:30:04 AM by Rosetintedglasses »
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2018, 10:14:11 AM »
Following along Rose.
Stage watching and jumping the gun , thinking it's better!!! Both not good. Ha, we are learning.
I never understood how strong we have to be, to really have patience.  String patience. 
I remember in prayer meeting one time, patience was brought up. Well the Preacher said are you sure you want to pray for patience????? Person said yes!!!! He said ok! You better be ready!!!! He said I'll pray for you for strength to handle what is to come.
Didn't think much if it them. I do now.
Hang in there Rose. 

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2018, 10:28:06 AM »
I never understood how strong we have to be, to really have patience.  String patience. 
I remember in prayer meeting one time, patience was brought up. Well the Preacher said are you sure you want to pray for patience????? Person said yes!!!! He said ok! You better be ready!!!! He said I'll pray for you for strength to handle what is to come.
Didn't think much if it them. I do now.

Great input Help. Glad to have you here (but also sorry you are here!)

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2018, 11:29:44 AM »
Following along and waiting patiently for more updates!
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs -

Offline sachat3

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2018, 12:47:01 PM »
Following along :) hoping you get the patience you need during this time.
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2018, 01:23:59 PM »
Ok Sam well I have an update that I didn’t expect.  H just called me.

Not sure if this all chronologically fits in but I need to jump to it. He was telling me a couple of things and said he had seen his friends at the funeral and felt ‘dis-ingenuine-ous if that’s a word’ as they were asking him how things were and he wasn’t saying the truth he was saying ‘ok’ glossing over it and changing the subject. He is going out with them again tomorrow and said he might tell them all and then feel better about it. I just listened and agreed but then said if he tells them then I need to tell other people as I can’t have my friends & family hearing it from the wrong source. He said that was ok. I eventually had to ask what would he say to them and he said ‘well just that i’m Not living with you guys anymore and I’m Staying at my parents, not much else to say and they probably won’t ask much about it. Maybe your friends will ask more if you tell them’.

I really wanted to ask more and delve straight in to ‘are you ever coming back’ but managed to leave it at that.

I now feel slightly sick which I think is the loss of control over the info. Also the fact that he seems to be thinking it’s an ok situation, he doesn’t seem to have any coming back plans. The thing is he was talking so much like the real him that it makes the situation more difficult to understand and accept.

I have been thinking recently that we can’t keep it to ourselves much longer and it may help us both actually but it’s scary.

Not sure if he’ll mention OW, maybe he’s forgotten about her. I don’t think he will but then maybe he’s still seeing her and not bothered. Actually when I think about it I think the men will all ask if he has an OW and he will not deny her.  I just don’t want the children to find out about her.

I have to e-mail him about something else, he asked me to on the phone, so maybe i’ll State that as a fact so as not to get in to it but also so he knows if the children find out about OW it changes things.

Can’t imagine them thinking this is a good move for him so will be interesting to see what they say.

Thanks for your patience 😉
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2018, 01:26:24 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Rose!
As you alluded, nothing in MLC happens ‘soon’ or suddenly. 
You wise woman, you are right, no point in stage watching.
Might as well watch glacier melt.
May your patience not be tested!

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2018, 01:49:17 PM »
Rose, perhaps this is a patience test...
Maybe do nothing for a bit? Mlcers often say things but don't do them. And you're making some assumptions maybe that might feed themselves if you mention it to him? You could just take it at face value and trust that friends/the universe will tell you if you need to know more?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2018, 02:14:10 PM »
No doubt this will test your patience. 
I don't know why and I don't think he will mention OW. Now he may tell them we are in a bumpy spot in the road and I'm living with my parents. Nothing more.
I don't even know why he would say that , only if they ask.

I wouldn't tell anybody unless you want Rose. If he does tell, and someone Ask, well that's a different story.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #9 on: December 14, 2018, 02:42:54 PM »
Thank you and it’s so funny Acorn says hope your patience isn’t tested and then Treasur says this may test your patience. That’s MLC! As you said previously Helpingme we can’t easily plan ahead and don’t even know what will happen tomorrow. To be fair it’s been peaceful for a while.

Treasur I appreciate your advice and you are right I need to not say anything for now. I e-mailed him as he asked but didn’t add anything more to it!

I wonder if this sees a change in him, some acceptance of the situation or him wanting to be more honest and be free to think and speak the truth without wondering who is around (except for the children). Or maybe he is seeing this with rosetintedglasses and believes this is how we can live forever!

Who knows, I feel a bit better and found my patience - can’t believe I almost lost it already! Ha ha ha

Thanks for your advice so much. I’ll keep you updated
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #10 on: December 14, 2018, 03:22:21 PM »
Following along Rose. Wishing you patience and strength!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #11 on: December 14, 2018, 04:12:18 PM »
Thanks PJ looks like I’m going to need it!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #12 on: December 16, 2018, 08:07:00 AM »
Can’t believe I freaked out on my thread already. Appreciate your responses so much and I have calmed back down!!

H called D the morning after he had called me. She was going out that night and he was calling to say to have a nice night. She said that I was worrying about driving there (I was and we had just been talking about it) so he said he could drive her if it helps. Great timing and a great help! I wouldn’t have asked him as he had his boys night out to get to. He told D to get me to text him the details.

I did this and he also said he would come along to D’s club show before hand so that was nice. I wouldn’t have asked him to go to that either but D had on the phone. I told him I also wanted to go and drop D off in the car and he was fine with that. A while ago (maybe 9 months ago) I would feel very unwelcome at this type of thing but would still do it if I wanted to do it. So after we dropped her off it was just us in the car but as I had taken Treasur’s advice and just do or say nothing about him confessing all to his friends, I sat with P as she was there too and we just talked lightly and politely. He chatted some before he went out telling me about a new bar he might go to. It’s like I am a friend I suppose. He did tell me a story too in which he called me his wife but really it’s like we are friends. He cares a bit, which he didn’t before.

My parents popped in while he was here too which was ok but they weren’t staying long. I do feel bad as it was better that they didn’t stay long, but that’s the reality just now.

So I don’t know if he has revealed all to his friends but I will see him tomorrow anyway as we have a night out with P. Then we have a family night next week so next I need to tackle that, if he doesn’t go I’m not covering for him this year like last year so it’s turning out to be quite a week.

I remember last Christmas time FIL told me he had told H to take me out for a meal. He hadn’t long left at that stage and FIL was way off target. I said maybe next year he’ll feel like that. Looks like I was off with that too! Hadn’t realised how patient I would need to be. Probably just as well as it would seem an impossible situation to entertain.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Reinventing

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #13 on: December 16, 2018, 08:18:18 AM »
Rose, don't beat yourself up about being stressed about it. This is all very hard to go through.

Good job on regaining your balance so quickly.

Online Treasur

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #14 on: December 16, 2018, 08:26:31 AM »
Rose, immediately award yourself 500 points for being a speedy learner and quick to bounce!  ;D
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #15 on: December 16, 2018, 10:09:06 AM »
Reinventing thanks so much. (I actually have a RL balance issue so bit of an expert finding it at short notice!) appreciate your comnents

Treasur I will take those 500 points and try to win more! I am a bit concerned that it may be linked to seeing him the next day and if I hadn’t I would still be finding my feet. But maybe not.

I am interested if his idea to tell his friends the truth highlights any clearer thinking on his part, maybe him dialling down the crazy in his head. Maybe that’s why he likes his choir so much as they don’t ask him detail about his family and he can be who we wants. His friends were suggesting we meet as couples which I think is why he thought he should ‘come clean’. 

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #16 on: December 16, 2018, 11:17:48 AM »
Rose I wouldn't say you freaked out. Just a minor bump in the road.  Look how fast you got your mind back  on track.
You did very good.
I think the more we don't comment or act as their spouse.  Their comments sometimes that they make, they look at us as a friend. I really do. All judgement has gone from us. They are feeling a little more comfortable. BUT!! This is those comments that just click on our heads, I say no way you would say that to your spouse. Atleast I get those. She does and says things she would habe never done or said in front of me. 

As for his reasoning, it just may be the couple thing. You will know.  Your H seems to be opening up a little more as of late. I think it is some changing in his thinking. Hopefully it's for the best.

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #17 on: December 17, 2018, 07:21:32 AM »
Rose, I understand you have boundaries regarding your kids finding out about OW, though I don’t know what it is.  You own that boundary and your H will face consequences.
You have no control over what your H will say to anyone, etc.  He is an adult and he can say whatever he wishes without any input from you.  However, consequences, man!  Rose is a fierce Mama Bear and she has all her claws out and sharpened to protect her young. 

Let him blow in the wind, Rose.  His actions and words are his own responsibility.
Have a good week!
(((((HUGS))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline sachat3

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #18 on: December 17, 2018, 07:39:20 AM »
Rose that is the same with my MLCer. He only had one real friend, I was close to his friends wife & he only told his so called beat mate (after seeing him in the pub for a pint every Friday) 6-7 weeks after BD when his pal said he and I should go out with him and his W. That was when he had to say he had left. He had never mentioned OW to his friend. When his friends wife messaged me and have a listening ear. It was me who told her about OW
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Music45

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #19 on: December 18, 2018, 10:03:17 AM »
Sticking with you, Rose.
So many things to deal with. That MLC light is harsh and seems to shine in all the dark corners of life and makes us see things [like how we deal with difficult in laws [MIL in my case]] and highlights things we didn't even realise we were dealing with prior to MLC.
Do you think your H will even remember he had the conversation about telling people things? My H says lots but it doesn't mean he'll do any of it - good or bad.  I can imagine how the conversation felt when he didn't mention coming back and the current situation seeming normal to him. I doubt it means much in the grand scheme of things.
Hang in there.
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #20 on: December 20, 2018, 06:13:43 AM »
Following along...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #21 on: December 20, 2018, 09:00:37 AM »
Help, yes hopefully it’s for the best. Him being honest with people is hopefully a good thing and a step forward, but who knows!!

Acorn, thank you. And I haven’t forgotten about your comments on my last thread which hopefully I will answer next week!

Sachat3, yes that is similar to my MLCer. When he moved out here to live with his parents they were on vacation and called here to speak with him! I said - eh no he’s left and living at yours!

Music,
 
I can imagine how the conversation felt when he didn't mention coming back and the current situation seeming normal to him. I doubt it means much in the grand scheme of things.

This is really nice and made me feel better! Not sure if he will remember the convo, you are right! Thanks for commenting as it did make me feel not so bad!

UM, glad you are following. You are one of my favourites!


Saw H at the beginning of the week and he didn’t say if he had or hadn’t mentioned anything to his friends. Actually his friend was also there, he knows all going on, and I could have asked him too but I didn’t mention any of it. So time will tell.

D asked H if he was going along to a family get together we are having and he said he could stay with P instead. I didn’t get involved but if he doesn’t go this is the one I’m not covering him for as I did it last year which was more than enough. He is seeing D this week so I will talk with him about it then. I just can’t be bothered adding this drama in at this time of year tbh. It’s not the kind of thing you can drop into convo and not expect them to want to know more. H doesn’t see it like that I guess. He thinks everyone has things going on in their lives. Not like this they don’t.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #22 on: December 20, 2018, 06:32:58 PM »
No need covering for him Rose.  You don't have to tell the whole story, but you don't have to make up things either.
Just say he stayed at home.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #23 on: December 22, 2018, 04:43:36 AM »
Thanks Help.

He came over and went out with D as he said he would. He had finished work and was content. I didn’t mention the family night but once he left D says she had asked him and he said he felt weird about going and so would rather watch P. To be fair it’s useful to have someone sit with P and we have no-one else however I won’t make excuses for him this year as I did last year.

I decided to text him and just said it would he good if he went and said who was going, only a few people but said if he felt weird it was no big deal. Not heard back from him. I have decided who to tell from family and what to say so will do that if I don’t hear from H. It needs to be along the lines of the truth so needs properly thought about.

While he was here he had a Christmas card from his parents and said they hadn’t put his name on it to get at him rather than me. I said ‘oh I thought they knew something I didnt’ but didn’t say they had also missed his name off last year too! I think they don’t know what to do but I don’t like it and neither would the children if they saw it. I was glad he expected his name to be included and the one we gave them had all of us on it. 

MLC Christmas- it’s a minefield.
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #24 on: December 22, 2018, 07:25:51 AM »
You sent him a text, gave him info to let him knkw who's there. That's all you can do. It's on him now. Either way, you will win. He will go, or you will have a good puppy sitter.

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #25 on: December 22, 2018, 07:47:17 AM »
You sent him a text, gave him info to let him knkw who's there. That's all you can do. It's on him now. Either way, you will win. He will go, or you will have a good puppy sitter.

Exactly!  The ball is in his court, stuck with superglue.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #26 on: December 24, 2018, 03:23:26 AM »
So the day of the family get together (my side) came and there was no reply to my text from H. I decided to call him as wanted to make firm plans for P. No reply to the call so I left it a while and called him again. No reply but I left a messsge saying I was wanting to firm up plans, no big deal but let me know if he was going to the family event or sitting with P or neither.

It’s not something I usually do but I felt this situation warranted a bit of contact at the point we have been at recently, fairly friendly. I decided to call his parents house for the 2nd time since he has been living there to say ‘maybe his cellphone has been switched off over the weekend and he didn’t get my messages’. We all know he did but it was the best approach. So FIL answered and I said I had been trying to get H and he said ‘oh I’ll pass you on to him’. So H came on the phone. I am sure he was delighted to have been tracked down and unable to avoid me with FIL sitting right there!

I asked if he was going tonight ‘no’ or sitting with P, he said he would do that. That was fine (actually a big help to me) but I said I can’t cover for you and will need to tell my uncle and cousins. He said ‘yeah tell them what it is’. So I made it easy and quick and said no trouble and to text me to make sure P is ok while we are away in case his plans changed and P was alone for too long.

So I called my uncle. I’ve not told anyone about this situation for almost 1.5 years. I am close to my uncle and he has always been next on my list anyway. It’s quite a lot to tell someone and you need to make sure they are alone or not too busy to take it all in so I was lucky that it worked out like that. He had time to chat. I said I had been having trouble with H and where he was staying, how long for, the depression, anger, but not OW.  I said he wasn’t going to the party and could he tell the cousins and that I don’t want it spread round or talked about as the children will be there. My uncle was great and possibly the best person I’ve told about this. He said he thought something was awry but not to this extent and said H will be feeling like an outsider not wanting to come and that he doesn’t deserve to be at the party and will want to be alone. He understood it, but not like we do. He has been married 3 times which is just unlucky for him as he’s a decent guy but things have happened so he has a lot of understanding and has also suffered panic attacks caused by work pressure so he knows how strong the mind can be.

He said he would tell the cousins but not tell them too much and not make a big deal of it. Fair enough. That was done. And little did I know at a similar time ‘Helpingme’ was doing a similar thing!

The party was great fun and H texted to say no hurry as he was sitting with P. We were late home (almost 2am!) and saw H walking to his parents at the end of our street as we drove in. He said he was almost falling asleep so had just left.

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #27 on: December 26, 2018, 08:44:46 AM »
I’m glad you had great fun at the gathering, Rose!
2am return proves it.  ;D

I can just picture you surrounded by loved ones and enjoying yourself immensely while your H sat at home all alone with a dog as his only company (I mean no disrespect to P :D). It’s his choice.  You also made some choices that were total opposite to his - to GAL, bravely explain the situation, and generously giving your H an out.  Good for you, Rose.

(((((HUGS))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #28 on: December 26, 2018, 10:14:21 AM »
Acorn, your wise words mean a lot. Thank you so much.

The day after the party I had thought I would probably not hear from H as the day before had been difficult with him not coming to the party and as we know these things take their toll. Anyway he did call me that day and was ‘normal’ chatting about Christmas and not really dwelling on being absent from the party or me telling more family about what’s going on. I was quite happy about that as I wasn’t expecting to hear from him that day. Turns out he had called S and asked if he wanted to go shopping (he didn’t!) and so he had called me to chat while he shopped. I felt we were like friends at this point which I hadn’t felt before or realised I felt like that.

The day after was Christmas Eve and S and I went shopping and bumped into H’s parents at the shops. MIL mentioned H was working that day. We went to my parents that evening as we always do and I didn’t ask H if he wanted to come. I thought he might get in touch after we got back but I didn’t hear from him at all. I was alone on Christmas Eve after the children kindly went to bed. I had to get the parcels all put together, wrapped etc and all that went with the magic of Christmas. I high fived myself before I went to bed (2am again!) as it’s such pressure getting everything sorted and meeting the children’s expectations and I knew, somehow, I had.

Last year H came along on Christmas morning, I had said to come around 8am when he asked and he arrived at 7:30am. This year I hadn’t heard from him and started to wonder if he would show at all. He wasn’t there at 7:30, 8am, 8:30am and I decided to call him at 9am if he wasn’t here. Didn’t want to start the day with him turning up having missed everything. Anyway I picked up my phone to call him as I noticed him walking up the path around 8:55am. So glad I hadn’t called! He came in quite happy. It was a lot of highs and lows of emotions for me over the past few days, up and down with him not coming to the party, then being ok, then not being in touch, then turning up. He said he didn’t want to come to my parents on Christmas morning which was ok as it gave us a break and it’s no big deal. He was almost normal during the rest of the day.

After our parents went home he stayed for a couple of hours and left at 1am. No hug this year.

A very up and down few days but overall I am happy enough with how it has been with H. As for the children they had a BRILLIANT time and I am delighted about that! Didn’t I do well!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #29 on: December 26, 2018, 12:06:41 PM »
Rose
I'm glad all went good. This is an emotional roller coaster.
You ended up with a puppy sitter , well that all worked out too.
H may not have gave you a hug, but he seems more comfortable around you.
Hopefully by next year he will be more comfortable and a hug. More if the snails pace marathon.
Good you told your Uncle. Another person to talk too if you need in the future.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #30 on: December 27, 2018, 04:44:23 AM »
Help yes my uncle has been great so that’s good. I knew he was my fav uncle for a reason!

I am comparing quite a lot with last year around Christmas to see if I can see any movement in H. I am sure we all are. It’s a good time to compare as most things we do are the same. Last year after Christmas Day we didn’t see H for around 5 days although he was off work and I had thought we would see him but we didn’t.

This year on Boxing Day H called D to arrange a trip to the shops. He had said he would do this but I was waiting to see if he did. So he came round and he was cheery I would say. A bit happier than he has been as normal, probably relieved Christmas was over. He had something for S which he quietly showed me and got me to put away for him for another day. Both children were around, D was getting ready to go and S was getting lunch. H then turned to me with a parcel and said ‘this is for you to say thank you for everything you did yesterday’. I think I said ‘wow’ then ‘oh thanks so much’. I hadn’t seen the parcel or thought for a minute he would do that.

Last year he said to me ‘to save money we’ll not get anything for each other’ and I agreed however my number 1 reason wasn’t to save money, it was OW but I kept that to myself. This year we didn’t talk about gifts but I had enough to do with everyone else, including getting his parents parcels, and I didn’t want to get him anything. I did buy some chocolate and a cake which I put in his stocking but that’s more for show with the children watching. Also he had said to D he needed a new mug so I bought that for her to give him with S which they did on Christmas Day. Another note was that when he went out with D last week he came back with 2 rolls of wrapping paper but said he had nothing to wrap up so gave D one.

So he gave me the parcel, wrapped in that paper, and said he meant to bring it yesterday (did he?) and I could give it away if I didn’t want it etc etc. I opened the parcel and it was (just?) a box of chocolates. Nice ones though. So I said oh no i’ll Not be giving these away, thanks a lot. Of course S then said ‘you need to hug him’ and I said oh yes of course, hug. So we had an awkward hug as I was standing a bit away and H was mid sentence to D. S said ‘you are more like friends than a married couple’  I sort of laughed and thought yeah we do seem like friends. That’s good enough for now. It’s a worry what it’s doing to the children’s idea of marriage and family but I can’t do more than I am to make the best out of this situation. I do think they felt good about the interaction between us however awkward it was, they notice little things and it was good for them to see.

I felt slightly high after a parcel and a hug within five mins and was a bit flustered but trying to keep my cool. Thankfully D and H we’re heading out so I could compose myself before they got back and then H took them both to the cinema so he was here all day again but out for a lot of it which was ideal.

He told us to have a good day the next day so I don’t think he plans to come over.

I have been thinking about the parcel, obviously. Maybe his mum said something that made him decide to give it. Did he buy it for me while we chatted as friends the other day when S wouldn’t go shopping with him? I think so. Did he really mean to bring it the day before? Did he change his mind that day?  What was he thinking when he wrapped it? Just little thoughts I’ll not get the answer to but not what I used to think when getting a parcel.

As of yet I’ve not texted again to thank him as I think that’s probably a bit much. If we have communication I might add it on but for now i’m Leaving it at that.

Maybe if I go for a run I’ll not feel as bad about eating the chocolates!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #31 on: December 27, 2018, 05:27:17 AM »
MLC journey is such a long protracted one.  Comparing now to where he was at a year ago seems to be the right time frame.  I tell you they put snails to shame. 

Don’t give too much thought to the circumstance the gift.  See the big picture - a marked improvement from last year and it was all voluntary.  Just take your time to enjoy the yummies.  Send some over to me!  ;D

By the way your S is very astute.  Kids often see things as they really are because they are not encumbered by too much life experiences.  Assumption has not kicked in properly as of yet. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #32 on: December 27, 2018, 06:13:39 AM »
MLC journey is such a long protracted one.  Comparing now to where he was at a year ago seems to be the right time frame.  I tell you they put snails to shame. 

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #33 on: December 27, 2018, 06:39:16 AM »
Hahahahaha, perfect, UM!
I’m glad the turtle is not walking backwards.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Reinventing

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #34 on: December 27, 2018, 08:02:57 AM »
And for the old timers on the forum, we can always "punt the turtle". Can't remember who started that.........

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #35 on: December 27, 2018, 09:07:30 AM »
And for the old timers on the forum, we can always "punt the turtle". Can't remember who started that.........

I vaguely remember Hearts Blessing mentioning that you can NOT punt the turtle forward.  As in, we can’t speed up MLCer’s journey.  I could be misquoting HB...
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline sachat3

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #36 on: December 28, 2018, 01:48:49 AM »
It’s funny isn’t it because when you compare last week to this week there isn’t much change. But when you do last year to this year there is a bit. Everything changes daily but it’s so slow we don’t notice.
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #37 on: December 28, 2018, 07:21:52 AM »
It's hard to see any changes, any movement. 
Once we step away, and we are not focused on them 100%, then you will see the very small and very slow changes in them.
Hang in there Rose.

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #38 on: December 28, 2018, 11:58:22 AM »
Rose - So happy to see some forward motion from H.  Enjoy the nice chocolates.  It is a sweet gift.  (Pun intended)

Sounds like you had a terrific holiday!  Any plans for the New Year?
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs -

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #39 on: December 31, 2018, 05:34:34 AM »
Hi Rose, I just wanted to check in and wish you peace and joy in 2019.
May you be given all that you need to fulfill your role as a mother and the primary caretaker of yourself. 
((((((HUGS))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #40 on: January 04, 2019, 04:09:35 AM »
Happy New Year y’all!

Acorn thank you so much for your kind thoughts and I hope they come true. Peace and joy sound perfect! And I hope the same for you.

Sam, we had a few things on at new year and I didn’t even get a chance to update here because of it! Some involved H, some he didn’t involve himself in. But it has been special and the children are happy.

Help, Sachat, reinventing, UM - at this rate if feels like i’ll be 100 and thankful for a baby step from H! Not sure my patience will stretch that far!


After the gift giving we didn’t see or hear from H for a few days. Then we were going shopping to buy S something and he asked 3 or 4 tunes if H was coming and I told him he can if he likes and to ask him. H replied to S that he couldn’t that day but could go the day after. So we decided to go shopping and then S can go back with H the next day to make the purchase. The next day S dragged his heels and we didn’t hear from H. It was getting late so I told S to call H and arrange it. Turns out H was out and so said he would be around an hour, not long before the shops closed but still ok. I took P out for a walk and called H so I knew he knew what to buy and to tell him my parents were at the house and I was out with P. He didn’t answer. I didn’t call again and when I got back H was at the house with my parents. I told him I tried to call him to let him know but he hadn’t answered. Anyway their shopping trip was a success and they got a bargain which was great news as that never happens and money is tight. Thank you universe.

H stayed for dinner that night and left after 11pm. He was coming back the next day for a family event and although he did come he was over an hour late but did seem sorry about that. We had a busy day with lots of friends and family around and all visiting that day which was good as some were H’s family and some my friends. H was taking the children to the cinema when my friends came over so the husband went along with them which was good. They know all going on and he drove in his fancy car so H had a bit of a treat and spoke like the old H about how good the car was.

H stayed until almost 2am playing games and looking on-line to buy himself a new phone. He needs one but hopefully he has money somewhere for it! H was back the next day and went out with D shopping before we all went out together. We were going to stay with family and H went to his parents around 8pm. We’ve not seen him now for a few days.

He did text me asking about something he had seen while out with D and we had a few fun texts back and forth. Later I texted again asking if he was coming to something we had on and he said he wasn’t going to but could come later if it would help with P. I said that was great. He didn’t turn up and D texted him to see if he was coming and he said I had said we didn’t need him. I re-read my text and ‘yeah that’s a great help’ was what I had written. I wonder if he thought I was being sarcastic as it’s the only way I can read that as meaning no thanks! But I am never sarcastic and especially now have never joked or anything that he can take the wrong way so I was quite annoyed as I had thought he would come and planned around that then let down again. It’s so difficult to keep planning that he won’t turn up when he usually does. For example I didn’t take P for a walk as he said he would, it was then too late for me to do it as S had friends round so I couldn’t go out and if I had taken her in case he didn’t show then her getting 2 walks would be too much! Venting on here helps so much! Aagghhh. Thank you, I’m good again! I called him when D got the text but he didn’t answer, then D called him and he didn’t answer. So I texted him that I ‘really did mean for him to come’ and he replied to go ahead without him. He had mentioned in the earlier texts he was at work so maybe he is unhappy being back at work. This really does drag on doesn’t it.

I dreamt about another man last night, a random one, and he was happy and chatty and it was fun. In  the dream I was thinking that’s the direction I should head in! More IC starting this new year and hopefully I can forge ahead myself as I need to, with or without H.

We have another busy weekend ahead so hopefully all is calm!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #41 on: January 04, 2019, 05:46:01 AM »
Rose - I checked in earlier today and hadn't seen you posted for awhile.  So happy to hear from you.

Patience....What doesn't kill you makes your stronger.  Through all these trials with H...you are getting stronger!  It will be worth it for you in the long run.  I know my weak spot is patience...."I want it and I want it yesterday" (quote from Veruca Salt)  That was me.  I am learning patience and I know I am getting better because of it too.  I am no where near having it perfected.  We are all a work in progress and it takes TIME!

As for H avoiding....I am a firm believer that MLCers get overload from us.  They come around and then suddenly they can't handle it.  They run...they avoid.   I wonder if it is feelings or thoughts coming at them and they need a break to regroup and think things through.  My H is notorious for it.   Comes/texts then disappears for awhile, then bounces back as if there was never a break.  I can now see it coming sometimes and I just sit back and shake my head.  I hope you can shake it off too.   He is processing something is my belief and he has to do it without you.  It stinks!

Sounds like over all you and your family had a nice holiday.  So happy for you!  Have a great New Year!
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs -

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #42 on: January 04, 2019, 07:37:28 AM »
Sam lovely to hear from you and so kind you had checked in on me.

Patience - I do feel stronger you are right. I am the same, never had much patience but I would say I’m good in a crisis, and I am learning patience! If H wanted to come back tomorrow I wouldn’t want that so I totally get how important time is. We both need it.

It stinks sums it up nicely!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #43 on: January 04, 2019, 08:35:40 AM »
Hi Rose, I was wondering if you have thought of changing it up a bit with your H.  He seems to come and go at his own pleasure without much thought to how frustrating and inconvenient it might be for others, especially you.  You and your kids have unlimited amount of patience with his unreliability and accommodate him whenever you can.   Admirable but to your detriment.

I wonder what would happen if you left all the initiatives up to him.  Let him come up with ideas and plan it all without you suggesting anything at all.  You could try it, say, for a month. 

I understand where you are at because I have been there.  I was worried that he would cut off the final frayed threads that linked him to our family, so I kept pressuring him with this and that.  Then I thought what the heck am I doing?!  The guy painted himself out the family, why am I trying to paste him back in?  Fear of loss?  Isn’t he lost already?  Your mind has to let him go, Acorn.

Fear of loss is a very powerful emotion, Rose.  Do you think it might be possible that FOL is prompting you to accommodate him whenever you can?  To hang onto that fragile thread linking him to the family? 

It took me awhile to write my H off family activities.  At first, I did my best to accommodate him in as many events as possible in the name of keeping the family together.  I stopped doing that when I lost the fear of losing him and I would just announce what we were planning to do and stopped at that.  Polite announcement but no invitation.  Told him only once.  If he joined in, fine.  If not, his loss.  If he wasn’t acting like family, no need to treat him as such, I thought. 

Look, I don’t know the dynamics of your situation and what I have said might be complete hogwash to you.  In that case, discard it all.  I mean well, though. 
(((((((HUGS))))))))

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #44 on: January 04, 2019, 09:19:58 AM »
Quote
Polite announcement but no invitation.  Told him only once.  If he joined in, fine.  If not, his loss.
[/size]

I love this and will incorporate it.   Thank you for sharing! 
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs -

Offline sachat3

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #45 on: January 04, 2019, 02:51:21 PM »
Glad to hear of your update

Acorn I love that idea. Will try it myself
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #46 on: January 04, 2019, 03:17:13 PM »
I forgot to add that H trudge along with us more often than not.
I figured my H didn’t have to be asked to join in with family activities.  He is family, isn’t he?  He didn’t have to be ‘invited’.  He never came up with any suggestions for activities, so the rest of us planned it and let him know.

An example

Me: We are going to watch a movie
H: Oh. What are you watching and when?
Me; Star Wars, Saturday, 8pm
H: OK.

End of conversation.  And, he would be ready to leave for the movie at the right time.  Sometimes he had excuses.  All he heard was ‘OK’ from me.  It’s his loss. Besides, who wants to pressure or drag an unwilling adult anywhere, even less listen to his elaborate excuses?  Not I, not you. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #47 on: January 06, 2019, 06:45:09 AM »
Acorn, Sachat, Sam thanks a lot. I am looking at this MLC at the moment as probably starting 2015 with 2014 seeming normal but a few things happening towards the end that could have been roots of MLC, 2015 was ok with MLC unnoticeable to me. 2016 & 2017 fast track to hell and 2018 maybe the roots of a new H. Looking at it from this new beginning of 2019 this seems to stand out as a definite summary and seems so obvious looking back. I am repeating myself but it seems so clear I feel the need!
2014 - MLC roots
2015 - MLC unnoticeable (to me)
2016 - MLC everything changes
2017 - MLC destination revealed...Hell
2018 - MLC roots of new H

From my point of view, 2016 & 2017 were Hell and 2018 not as bad. This is a long winded intro to my answer to your point Acorn (!).  I think in 2016 & 2017 I for sure tried to include H in everything we did as I knew no better and also as i was in the eye of the storm I was trying to get him to behave normally as didn’t realise fully what I was dealing with. Since end of 2017 I would say for the most part I have been leaving him to his own life. We had a wedding which I thought was important enough to try my best to include him in and looking back this was a success for him and the rest of the family. He’s glad he went. There have been a couple of other things I have made it easy for him to be at I suppose but I think for this whole year he has turned up to things because he wanted to or knew about them (birthdays for example) rather than me trying to get him there (2016/2017). We have had a lot of trips places without H and it would have included trips away but for financial reasons. I am living with MLC in my life not waiting on it finishing before living my life, if that makes sense.

Acorn you are right, as always, I do need to alter my approach to this MLC in my life. Not so much as not inviting H to things as I think the way he is acting now warrants him not to be excluded but he is getting what he needs from us and this is possibly slowing down the forward movement. He’s not worried he’ll lose us, for example. But then I find with live in MLCers they must feel like that too, even more so maybe.

It seems to me the best thing I can do atm is to get a job. This would help financially which is good but also gets me meeting other people, including men which is something completely missing from my life just now. I wouldn’t do it for that reason or treat it like a way of meeting a new man but as GAL. it would get H less comfortable that I am sitting around here. Not that I would do it for that reason either but I feel this way of changing things up in my life would be good all round. It’s not easy though as it would use up energy I don’t easily have, would make D in particular a bit edgy as she’d find it a big change and I have P to add in to the mix too. In an ideal world I would get something that I can do from home or office nearby to suit me.

I have started asking around and I know this isn’t an ideal world but will try to get something to suit!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #48 on: January 06, 2019, 12:54:39 PM »
Rose - Heading into 2019 it should be the year of the Rose!  Get a job...both for the financial and the social aspects.  If you want to go out...H doesn't have to know if it is a guy or a gal or an entire group...do it for Rose!

Keep your head up and keep moving forward.  This year I am not inviting H to any family events.  He will get notice...he gets to decide what he wants.  No special separate invites.  He shows or he doesn't show.  The family will event will go on no matter what.

I agree with you that Acorn has some of the best insight and advice.  So glad she stayed and shares!
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs -

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #49 on: January 06, 2019, 04:23:54 PM »
Hi Rose, thank you for explaining your situation further.  It helps us understand the dynamics a little better. 

Because of all the busy-ness of December, you probably had a lot to handle.  You of course want what’s best for you kids and choose your actions accordingly.  I’m sure life will slow down a bit and your family will settle down to the normal rhythm of things.  Your H can opt to join in or stay out.  It is all up to him. 

You can’t make him feel he is losing or not losing you and the family unit.  It’s his brain and he is in control of it.  The only thing you can control is how you think and act toward him.  You can do your very best to uphold your dignity, never pursue and let him be 100% proactive and make decisions on family interaction.  That may have unintended consequences such as him thinking, ‘O sh**, they are leaving me behind’.  Not that you would do anything for that purpose.  You do it for you, for your peace of mind, to shake off any kind of ‘fixing’ tendencies if there still is a bit of it left, and make decisions more or less unaffected by what he is going to do.  I guess this is a roundabout way of saying ‘Leave Him To It.’

If you could find a job where you are not going to be stressed out with looking after the kids and all, it would be ideal.  All the best!

((((((HUGS)))))))
« Last Edit: January 06, 2019, 04:25:23 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #50 on: January 06, 2019, 05:46:24 PM »
Acorn thank you both.

I feel good about 2019 and one reason is we have no big plans. No weddings, no commitments so yes I can relax and do what I want. It feels good to have a blank sheet. I’m going to fill it with fabulousness!

Sam, yes good plan re family events. It is still so strange that they have better things to do than show up isn’t it!

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #51 on: January 07, 2019, 12:20:24 AM »
I hope you find that perfect job Rose. Hang in there. 
I agree , just leave him to it!!!! Whatever that is in MLC land.
As for you. Do whatever you want. And yea, do it for you.  Who cares if he notices or not. Just go do it.

Offline Music45

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #52 on: January 09, 2019, 12:29:47 AM »
Happy New Year, Rose! Love the idea that you're going to fill 2019 with fabulousness! [Don't be too hard on yourself if some days all you can manage is "ok" though, right?]

Good luck with the job hunting. Go you!

Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #53 on: January 10, 2019, 03:23:05 AM »
Happy New Year, Rose! Love the idea that you're going to fill 2019 with fabulousness! [Don't be too hard on yourself if some days all you can manage is "ok" though, right?]

Good luck with the job hunting. Go you!

Happy new year Music. Thanks for having my back, I’m sure there will be ‘meh’ days!

Help, always lovely to hear from you.


Carrying on from last weekend, which was busy for us, all  was indeed calm, which is lovely. I had to call H a couple of times even though I didn’t want to and felt I had called & texted him more than enough the day before but the children needed me to so I did. H answered both times and was chatty, helpful and said yes to all we asked. It’s interesting as he seems to get over the difficult calls we have had recently much quicker than previously where it would linger on. We had a family day and H was fully involved all day and evening including playing games with my family and his parents. He stayed late again and we had another family day the day after next. 

We needed another car for this next day and he had agreed a month or so that he would use his parents car and I could use ours. I wasn’t sure he would stick with this after him not turning up the week before but he brought it up and said he had it organised and we planned times etc. He called D the night before and said he’d see us the next day.

It’s been full on for us recently which is always great fun and it has been easier for me than last year as for the most part H has been happy enough to join in which makes the children happy, making it easier on me.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #54 on: January 10, 2019, 06:30:46 AM »
Good morning!  The saga continues with baby steps.  Keep hoping for small progress for you and the kiddos! 
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs -

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #55 on: January 10, 2019, 06:58:15 AM »
Enjoy the peace Rose. It makes it easier for you to enjoy the day. Just keep letting him bump along.  Seems somedays he is picking up the pace a little. Still not far off of a snails butt, but he's still easing along.
Glad 2019 has started off Good, keep it that way Rose. As long as you and the kids are living life, your H will have to keep up.

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #56 on: January 10, 2019, 03:14:52 PM »
Rose, you are a good Mama Bear.  You think about your children’s happiness at being with their father and you facilitate that.  It is easy to impose our own R with MLCer on the kids’ R with their father.  In other words, we are disappointed and angry with MLCer for leaving us or having A and it is easy for us to wish that the kids have the same attitude toward the offender.  You didn’t give into that kind of self centred and harmful attitude.  Your love for the kids’ emotional wellbeing wins the day every time.
As a mother myself, I see your wisdom and longsightedness in dealing with MLCer.  I’m really glad about that...
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #57 on: January 11, 2019, 01:02:11 AM »
It does sound like you are making small steps in the right direction which is all we can hope for in our circumstances. Well done you for remaining coop ca and collected.
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #58 on: January 11, 2019, 02:08:45 AM »
I think Christmas came at a good time for us as I remember in November being fed up with this MLC but knew I had to get through December as that was no time to start upsetting the apple cart. I hoped that would then propel me through January and I do feel like I’ll plod along this month and probably next if things stay like this. That’s probably how we get through, somehow when we want to give up there’s a reason just enough to keep going and then somehow it’s easier for a while. I remember without looking back at the comments in November from everyone here saying not to think too far ahead and just get through for now. The comments were right and I thank you again for giving me the time and head space. It helped me, like a little injection of secret ingredients to keep me going.


Sam, you put it so well. A saga indeed!
Help I love your positivity saying H is picking up the pace. Reminds me of a person drawing a cartoon where they turn the pages so fast it looks like they are moving but in reality each page has one little change you can barely notice! Funny I have always thought I wouldn’t have the patience for that job!
Acorn - thanks so much. The best I can now hope for out of this MLC is that the children are the least effected by it as possible. You are right, this is my main focus - unless it is negatively affecting me.
Sachat, I agree any movement in a forward direction is welcome!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline sachat3

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #59 on: January 11, 2019, 08:06:00 AM »
I agree. I think if I stop and think “what’s going to happen in a year” I end up sending myself in a tizzy. Instead I just think “What am I doing this week? Today?” Works sonmuvh easier for me. I do think your handling this situation very well!
Me - 27
H - 32
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #60 on: January 11, 2019, 10:49:25 AM »
One Day at a time Rose. Just looking one week forward in MLC is like running thru a mine field . It might end up Good, but  most likely not, so just stick with today.  When you see the sun shine thru the window??? Well you made another one.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #61 on: January 12, 2019, 04:32:02 AM »
Sachat, I appreciate your compliment about how I’m handling this. From the start I didn’t think this was about me which has helped. It’s far from easy but that mindset has helped.
Helping, I love the sun shining!

Following on from the last update, we had a family day planned and H was to be fully involved. He had a hospital trip and then was coming to our house with his parents car. In the morning the events manager for the place we were going to called to say the day had been cancelled. It was a real shame but nothing we could do. I needed to call H again as didn’t want him rushing from hospital to here to find out he didn’t need to. I called, he answered and I told him what had happened and that I had a Plan B which would work and save the day (D was upset).  He said he would come along anyway and do whatever suited best. He did that, he came along. He told me all about his hospital treatment he had agreed to and helped with P and S and was involved with D and it was a lovely day and we almost forgot it wasn’t as we planned it. Phew!

During the day another item I had for sale was sold and it was more complicated than usual and the buyer was very specific. I decided to ask H to see if he would assist me as it was almost out of my depth and I knew if H helped it would be carried out correctly. I got the item and while I was doing something else he sorted it up and did the heavy work so it was a nice surprise to find it ready to go. It was a great help and I am glad I asked him.

We had been together a lot and he was ‘normal’ which was good. He stayed until around midnight and then we had no plans to see him for a while which I was glad of as I can fully relax when he’s not around and I need that.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #62 on: January 14, 2019, 10:22:38 AM »
Sorry to hear about your event but glad Plan B came together.

I love to read your updates and see the small progress H is making.  Gives hope to others!  Thanks for sharing!
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State  EA again?
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs -

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #63 on: January 14, 2019, 11:01:55 AM »
I'm glad H helped you out Rose.  With the heavy stuff.
Sometimes it's good to have a plan B. You never know when it's needed. Ha.
I do hope you got to relax. W need relaxing moments too, they are all not just for the MLCer.
Steady as you are Rose.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #64 on: January 14, 2019, 08:32:24 PM »
Glad you were able to relax a little Rose. My W (who never left other than one 5-day period), is traveling for work tomorrow. My hyper-vigilant, PTSD-suffering self used to have anxiety about her work travels, but now I'm looking forward to a night alone.

I also your updates and hearing about the small steps in the right direction. They'll add up over time. Keep up the patience!

"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Silver

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #65 on: January 15, 2019, 01:17:10 AM »
Rose the Runner,

Catching up and am so glad to see that he still behaves himself  ;D
Not for expectations as there shouldn't be any, but from the start his journey has been kind of different, compared to many other's.
And as long as the direction is right and you have your patience, I am hopeful  ;)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #66 on: January 15, 2019, 05:32:17 AM »
Sam thanks for your encouragement and support.

Help, yes good to have a plan B. I didn’t actually have one but got one pretty darn quickly when needed! Yes heavy lifting exhausts me but actually it was his ‘it’s done’ that was even better as I would have kept thinking maybe I hadn’t quite finished as wasn’t sure what to do to get it to a state ready to post.

I'm looking forward to a night alone.

I also your updates and hearing about the small steps in the right direction. They'll add up over time. Keep up the patience!

Thanks PJ!  Glad you are at the stage of enjoying time to yourself or away from her. You can be you and that’s such a good feeling!

Silver, lovely to hear from you! 
I think H’s journey has had a bit of luck which has maybe directed him along a straighter path. For example a friend of ours, Rose2’s H if you remember her, had what now seems like MLC around a year before H. Rose2’s H used alcohol to try to help himself and we saw what it did and how it looked with a ‘sane’ mind. It shocked H to see our friend going through this. I think that experience helped H stay away from alcohol which is as we all know a good thing. Also as he had moved us house just as his MLC took hold it meant he had no extra money to rent a flat as he really wanted to. I question my stand if he was living the single life alone in a flat, which he could have afforded had we lived at our old house.  As it is he is under his parents watchful eye and it is a bit more like he is in rehab and kind of makes sense to the children so that also helps. There’s more than that (The OW he chose was unwilling to leave her family and lives far far away so it’s easier as she’s not in our face).  I could go on but it’s all on previous threads I think. Circumstances can make or break the MLC. A year or so before and this whole situation could be very different. Thanks for making me think Silver the Strong!


It’s over a week since we saw H. He has called the children briefly and we had a couple of school e-mails together but it’s been quiet. It’s good for me to get my equilibrium back after the busyness of the weeks before so can only imagine H feels the same.

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #67 on: January 15, 2019, 07:03:17 AM »
The one thing that strikes me is the difference between your Mid-Lifers who you invite or inform about stuff and they may or may not come along and MY Mid-Lifer who is also constantly inviting me to play "Everything is fine and everyone is happy." and I am the one saying "No thanks...  I have plans/things to do...."  Might be the difference between a wallower and a more energetic type....
« Last Edit: January 16, 2019, 02:06:35 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #68 on: January 15, 2019, 08:54:11 AM »
UM

I see your point. I do think things would be different if I said ‘no thanks’ to him and didn’t try to keep him included where appropriate. It’s completely unfair and a ridiculous way to live but I think if I push him away it will make it easier for him to stay away.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #69 on: January 15, 2019, 02:55:01 PM »
I wonder what other opinions are on the subject?
Rose that's always been a battle with me.
Do I say yes??? Do I say No????

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #70 on: January 15, 2019, 11:07:48 PM »
I completely get it too, UM but like Helping and Rose, I find it difficult to thread my way between going dark and paving the way. I see my H is broken. I see his odd behaviours and cycling moods and I leave him be as much as I can but, like Rose, I don't want to make it easier for him to stay in this pattern.
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #71 on: January 16, 2019, 01:53:43 AM »
If I may share my experience, please. 
Making decisions to do this and that with MLCer became considerably easier when I took the pros and cons spreadsheet out of it.  I speak of myself when I say that my pros and cons calculations were often really nothing more than my fixing and pursuing tendency dressed up as ‘paving’.  I think if you sweat less about the conundrum of ‘if I did/didn’t do this, he will come closer/move away from us’ and go by what you want to do out of goodness of your heart, your life becomes a quite a bit easier.   Not overthinking helped me. 

It is possible to spend too much time and brain space on what influence we have on MLCers. I’m speaking from experience. :P They are rather oblivous when they are in the MLC fog (self focussed) and even when they can see a bit, their interpretation of our words and actions don’t line up with our intentions. 



Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #72 on: January 16, 2019, 02:12:25 AM »
What Acorn says makes a lot of sense.
Do what feels right to you at an acceptable 'cost' in terms of your own boundaries.
A lot of times we worry I think if they will feel rejected or that there is no way to reach back. If they do, I imagine they feel that regardless of what we say or do...just like they left regardless of what we did or said. And some of it is a residual belief that we can influencebir fix something probably.

A lot of folks find the 'paving the way' concept confusing. If I remember right, RCR talks about in as being more relevant in the very early stages and then later on as they show signs of some change in perspective. Put simply, I think there is a point where they don't see or care about the path at all so we could be paving it with gold bricks, champagne and dancing acrobates and they either wouldn't see it or would interpret it as some evil plan to get in the way of their happy new path.

I'm not sure - others would know better than me given my situation - but I get the sense that, for those who do want to reconnect, it is as strong a feeling of 'need' or compulsion almost as when they ran. And if that happens, the LBS can choose how to respond then but it is clearly a different kind of behaviour from the MLCer?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #73 on: January 16, 2019, 02:13:44 AM »
Acorn,

Is this another way of saying "Live your own life as you want it to be as if they are not coming back"? ;)

I think that, for me, the difference being that instead of my trying to chase my STBXW, she is trying to keep tabs or watch over me by playing the "Happy Family" game...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #74 on: January 16, 2019, 02:26:00 AM »
Acorn,

Is this another way of saying "Live your own life as you want it to be as if they are not coming back"? ;)

UM, you are way more polite than I am.  I would say it’s more like ‘to h*** with what H will think.’  It was really a waste of time trying to think of ways to keep my H roped into our M and family once he was in the throes  of replay.  Nothing goes in, I’m telling ya.  He was way out of my rope’s reach and I kept throwing he darn thing. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #75 on: January 16, 2019, 02:54:04 AM »
Acorn,

Is this another way of saying "Live your own life as you want it to be as if they are not coming back"? ;)

UM, you are way more polite than I am.  I would say it’s more like ‘to h*** with what H will think.’

<snort>  I'm a Mod. I HAVE to be polite <LOL>
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #76 on: January 16, 2019, 03:18:35 AM »
Come on now UM.  If you quit telling it like it is!!!!! I'm goimg.to think something is wrong, lol. Keep being You, I like you That way. 
I agree with letting them be. Live our life. And I am. I sure wish I could have done this early on. Oh would it have saved me some heartache. 
I'm not saying to pursue or chase, not at all. But should we atleast slow.down a bit and acknowledge they are trying??? Or just keep on going??

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #77 on: January 16, 2019, 03:21:24 AM »
Ha ha Acorn yes replay was a learning period for sure!

My aim would be not to pursue or try to fix H or situations. There are exceptions to every rule and if it is the children’s birthday for example I would try harder to include H, not as an act of paving the way but to inject strength, happiness and normalcy to the children on their day. This could be different if H was not being decent to me.

If there is a trip to the cinema, fancy meal or an overnight with Grandparents I wouldn’t include H in any organising or invite him along. I have also had H invite me to a couple of things and I’ve not gone (his choir/trip with children for example).

I do feel though if you continually push them away they’ll stop trying. I feel it takes a lot for them to ask and let’s face it they are fragile.

I get the sense that, for those who do want to reconnect, it is as strong a feeling of 'need' or compulsion almost as when they ran.
Hadn’t realised this is what I also think until you wrote it there. I hope this is the case as the overwhelming compulsion to run I saw in my H would probably be the depth of feeling he would need to try to return.

Help, I think the answer is sometimes to say yes and sometimes to say no! Nothing is straightforward and if you always say yes, you are pursuing and if you always say no they could be too fragile to handle it and may retreat.

If there are children, they come first so if they will be sad without H turning up you can be sure I will try to get him there, or I will have good reason why not.

Also it depends on the stage they are at, nothing will work during replay but the LBS doesn’t yet realise this. My thought is that my H is out of replay, it feels like that was 2016 & 2017.  His rock bottom may have been end 2017 and beg 2018, but it’s hard to know as we didn’t see much of him (hence my thinking).

My H has gone to every school meeting, all children’s dentist appointments and all P vet appointments. He has always asked me if it’s ok and used his ‘please’ and ‘thank yous’. (Funnily my D was telling me about her and her friend where there have been fallouts in the class and now D says her and her friend are ‘careful’ when they talk with each other. They are friends but she recognises she’s not relaxed like she was before the others fell out. In my head I thought that’s like H and I, ‘careful’ when talking with each other!! H was there at the time but I don’t think we are at the stage of being able to joke about it!)

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #78 on: January 16, 2019, 03:54:10 AM »
Quote
I do feel though if you continually push them away they’ll stop trying. 

The point is LBS should neither push nor pull MLCer, IMHO.
’If I do/don’t this, such and such may/may not happen’ kind of thinking is what I had to give up to give myself some peace and that helped me greatly to detach myself from his MLC and the outcome.

I can only share what I’ve gone through.   It worked for me, so I mention it. 

Helping, responding positively (if you genuinely feel that way) to FB when she is trying is ackowledgement enough?   Being honest in your reponse is the only way.  Nothing contrived, pre-planned or over the top.  Just go with the flow.  Speak and act with your heart.  That’s all one can do.  One can’t come up with a formula.  If she interprets your response this way and that, that’s is totally on her. 


« Last Edit: January 16, 2019, 04:03:17 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #79 on: January 18, 2019, 02:36:27 AM »
I can only share what I’ve gone through.   It worked for me, so I mention it.

Thanks Acorn, so glad the way things are working out for you. You deserve it.


No contact with H to note here but wanted to say that my parents are going on vacation and FIL & MIL have decided to go along too. My parents go away a lot. H’s parents very rarely go away although they always talk about it. They said they wanted to go and my parents said it was no problem but none of us thought they would go. They are booked and are going. This strange situation got a bit weirder! H’s parents dont talk about things but brush things under the rug. My parents like to talk. Can’t imagine them spending time together and not talking about H.

I said to my Mom, ‘my life gets crazier’. Assume H isn’t going with them! Anything is possible!

In other news I have been to doc with S and going to vet with P, not quite had time to sort out my new career! I wish ‘sorting everybody else out’ was a job! Don’t take me seriously, I know how important ‘me’ is.

Rose 🌹
« Last Edit: January 18, 2019, 02:38:35 AM by Rosetintedglasses »
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

 

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