Author Topic: My Story He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience  (Read 1185 times)

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7133
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
My Story Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #20 on: December 20, 2018, 06:13:43 AM »
Following along...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 634
  • Gender: Female
Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #21 on: December 20, 2018, 09:00:37 AM »
Help, yes hopefully it’s for the best. Him being honest with people is hopefully a good thing and a step forward, but who knows!!

Acorn, thank you. And I haven’t forgotten about your comments on my last thread which hopefully I will answer next week!

Sachat3, yes that is similar to my MLCer. When he moved out here to live with his parents they were on vacation and called here to speak with him! I said - eh no he’s left and living at yours!

Music,
 
I can imagine how the conversation felt when he didn't mention coming back and the current situation seeming normal to him. I doubt it means much in the grand scheme of things.

This is really nice and made me feel better! Not sure if he will remember the convo, you are right! Thanks for commenting as it did make me feel not so bad!

UM, glad you are following. You are one of my favourites!


Saw H at the beginning of the week and he didn’t say if he had or hadn’t mentioned anything to his friends. Actually his friend was also there, he knows all going on, and I could have asked him too but I didn’t mention any of it. So time will tell.

D asked H if he was going along to a family get together we are having and he said he could stay with P instead. I didn’t get involved but if he doesn’t go this is the one I’m not covering him for as I did it last year which was more than enough. He is seeing D this week so I will talk with him about it then. I just can’t be bothered adding this drama in at this time of year tbh. It’s not the kind of thing you can drop into convo and not expect them to want to know more. H doesn’t see it like that I guess. He thinks everyone has things going on in their lives. Not like this they don’t.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1911
  • Gender: Male
Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #22 on: December 20, 2018, 06:32:58 PM »
No need covering for him Rose.  You don't have to tell the whole story, but you don't have to make up things either.
Just say he stayed at home.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 634
  • Gender: Female
Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #23 on: December 22, 2018, 04:43:36 AM »
Thanks Help.

He came over and went out with D as he said he would. He had finished work and was content. I didn’t mention the family night but once he left D says she had asked him and he said he felt weird about going and so would rather watch P. To be fair it’s useful to have someone sit with P and we have no-one else however I won’t make excuses for him this year as I did last year.

I decided to text him and just said it would he good if he went and said who was going, only a few people but said if he felt weird it was no big deal. Not heard back from him. I have decided who to tell from family and what to say so will do that if I don’t hear from H. It needs to be along the lines of the truth so needs properly thought about.

While he was here he had a Christmas card from his parents and said they hadn’t put his name on it to get at him rather than me. I said ‘oh I thought they knew something I didnt’ but didn’t say they had also missed his name off last year too! I think they don’t know what to do but I don’t like it and neither would the children if they saw it. I was glad he expected his name to be included and the one we gave them had all of us on it. 

MLC Christmas- it’s a minefield.
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1911
  • Gender: Male
Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #24 on: December 22, 2018, 07:25:51 AM »
You sent him a text, gave him info to let him knkw who's there. That's all you can do. It's on him now. Either way, you will win. He will go, or you will have a good puppy sitter.

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #25 on: December 22, 2018, 07:47:17 AM »
You sent him a text, gave him info to let him knkw who's there. That's all you can do. It's on him now. Either way, you will win. He will go, or you will have a good puppy sitter.

Exactly!  The ball is in his court, stuck with superglue.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 634
  • Gender: Female
Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #26 on: December 24, 2018, 03:23:26 AM »
So the day of the family get together (my side) came and there was no reply to my text from H. I decided to call him as wanted to make firm plans for P. No reply to the call so I left it a while and called him again. No reply but I left a messsge saying I was wanting to firm up plans, no big deal but let me know if he was going to the family event or sitting with P or neither.

It’s not something I usually do but I felt this situation warranted a bit of contact at the point we have been at recently, fairly friendly. I decided to call his parents house for the 2nd time since he has been living there to say ‘maybe his cellphone has been switched off over the weekend and he didn’t get my messages’. We all know he did but it was the best approach. So FIL answered and I said I had been trying to get H and he said ‘oh I’ll pass you on to him’. So H came on the phone. I am sure he was delighted to have been tracked down and unable to avoid me with FIL sitting right there!

I asked if he was going tonight ‘no’ or sitting with P, he said he would do that. That was fine (actually a big help to me) but I said I can’t cover for you and will need to tell my uncle and cousins. He said ‘yeah tell them what it is’. So I made it easy and quick and said no trouble and to text me to make sure P is ok while we are away in case his plans changed and P was alone for too long.

So I called my uncle. I’ve not told anyone about this situation for almost 1.5 years. I am close to my uncle and he has always been next on my list anyway. It’s quite a lot to tell someone and you need to make sure they are alone or not too busy to take it all in so I was lucky that it worked out like that. He had time to chat. I said I had been having trouble with H and where he was staying, how long for, the depression, anger, but not OW.  I said he wasn’t going to the party and could he tell the cousins and that I don’t want it spread round or talked about as the children will be there. My uncle was great and possibly the best person I’ve told about this. He said he thought something was awry but not to this extent and said H will be feeling like an outsider not wanting to come and that he doesn’t deserve to be at the party and will want to be alone. He understood it, but not like we do. He has been married 3 times which is just unlucky for him as he’s a decent guy but things have happened so he has a lot of understanding and has also suffered panic attacks caused by work pressure so he knows how strong the mind can be.

He said he would tell the cousins but not tell them too much and not make a big deal of it. Fair enough. That was done. And little did I know at a similar time ‘Helpingme’ was doing a similar thing!

The party was great fun and H texted to say no hurry as he was sitting with P. We were late home (almost 2am!) and saw H walking to his parents at the end of our street as we drove in. He said he was almost falling asleep so had just left.

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #27 on: December 26, 2018, 08:44:46 AM »
I’m glad you had great fun at the gathering, Rose!
2am return proves it.  ;D

I can just picture you surrounded by loved ones and enjoying yourself immensely while your H sat at home all alone with a dog as his only company (I mean no disrespect to P :D). It’s his choice.  You also made some choices that were total opposite to his - to GAL, bravely explain the situation, and generously giving your H an out.  Good for you, Rose.

(((((HUGS))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 634
  • Gender: Female
Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #28 on: December 26, 2018, 10:14:21 AM »
Acorn, your wise words mean a lot. Thank you so much.

The day after the party I had thought I would probably not hear from H as the day before had been difficult with him not coming to the party and as we know these things take their toll. Anyway he did call me that day and was ‘normal’ chatting about Christmas and not really dwelling on being absent from the party or me telling more family about what’s going on. I was quite happy about that as I wasn’t expecting to hear from him that day. Turns out he had called S and asked if he wanted to go shopping (he didn’t!) and so he had called me to chat while he shopped. I felt we were like friends at this point which I hadn’t felt before or realised I felt like that.

The day after was Christmas Eve and S and I went shopping and bumped into H’s parents at the shops. MIL mentioned H was working that day. We went to my parents that evening as we always do and I didn’t ask H if he wanted to come. I thought he might get in touch after we got back but I didn’t hear from him at all. I was alone on Christmas Eve after the children kindly went to bed. I had to get the parcels all put together, wrapped etc and all that went with the magic of Christmas. I high fived myself before I went to bed (2am again!) as it’s such pressure getting everything sorted and meeting the children’s expectations and I knew, somehow, I had.

Last year H came along on Christmas morning, I had said to come around 8am when he asked and he arrived at 7:30am. This year I hadn’t heard from him and started to wonder if he would show at all. He wasn’t there at 7:30, 8am, 8:30am and I decided to call him at 9am if he wasn’t here. Didn’t want to start the day with him turning up having missed everything. Anyway I picked up my phone to call him as I noticed him walking up the path around 8:55am. So glad I hadn’t called! He came in quite happy. It was a lot of highs and lows of emotions for me over the past few days, up and down with him not coming to the party, then being ok, then not being in touch, then turning up. He said he didn’t want to come to my parents on Christmas morning which was ok as it gave us a break and it’s no big deal. He was almost normal during the rest of the day.

After our parents went home he stayed for a couple of hours and left at 1am. No hug this year.

A very up and down few days but overall I am happy enough with how it has been with H. As for the children they had a BRILLIANT time and I am delighted about that! Didn’t I do well!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1911
  • Gender: Male
Re: He’s having a mlc 4 - Patience
« Reply #29 on: December 26, 2018, 12:06:41 PM »
Rose
I'm glad all went good. This is an emotional roller coaster.
You ended up with a puppy sitter , well that all worked out too.
H may not have gave you a hug, but he seems more comfortable around you.
Hopefully by next year he will be more comfortable and a hug. More if the snails pace marathon.
Good you told your Uncle. Another person to talk too if you need in the future.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk