[Bewildered survivor]

Bewildered-
I am sorry to hear that you H is living with his AD! 15 months and sleeping on a single mattress on the floor is no way to live. Don’t you think that he will eventually see that his prior life is much better than how he is living now?  Give it time he will eventually have some clarity and come to his senses.  The AD is just that, beneath you! She is a nobody. He may want you to think life is great with her, but you know in your heart that it is not. How can it be? I will send a prayer your way!

Thanks for your prayers Hope2018.

Bewildered-
 15 months and sleeping on a single mattress on the floor is no way to live.

And this is the man who didnt like to stay in hotel rooms because he couldnt sleep on any other mattress but ours.....

 I dont have much access to what his life is now apart from what little bits the kids share with me. I dont ask them much as its better I dont know but on the other hand want to know about the environment they are staying in. 

Unfortunately what I hear is that addiction is still pretty strong...so strong that he puts her and her family before his own children.  Its completely opposite to the comfortable life he had with us but as any other addict he seems to keep returning for the high however bad it is.  I also believe becasue its so in contrast to his previous life........where he was brought up according to strict culture and in family where you had to be perfect and follow social norms and even in our marriage had to live up to high expectations from our families to be responsible and follow a certain path....the life he is living now there are no expectations.  Its the opposite where he feels he wont be judged for doing the immoral things hes doing, surrounded by people who validate these wrong doings and accept them. Its exactly what they say happens with limerence- the changing of own core beliefs and long held values to fit with what they are doing.  He is wearing a mask with OW and is the opposite of who he was with her.

I agree with Velika and wouldn’t pin my hopes on this ending anytime soon as I think H would stay for satisfaction rather than happiness.  Unless he switches back to old H...just not sure he will ever find the courage or strength to pull himself together as it would easier just to stay as who he is now with OW. 

[nah]

Unless he switches back to old H...just not sure he will ever find the courage or strength to pull himself together as it would easier just to stay as who he is now with OW.

Most of them left in a cowardly fashion, right?  They needed an affair partner for a soft pillow to land on, instead of standing up and facing their issues, b/c let's face it, it usually has nothing to do with us or the marriage.  It's all about them.

So what's going on over "there"?, my best educated guess (and I have more proof than I ever wanted, usually a mutual friend, acquaintance, family member etc, tells me things before I have a chance to politely let them know, I don't need or want to know),... it's a mess.  Geez, seven years ago, yes seven, he described her as "controlling' to his co-workers, she wanted them to go to couples counseling while we were still married!!  . Two years ago in a rare conversation he told me that he gets physically ill every single morning thinking about how he is living someone else's life and he misses our old life... what did he do about it?  He married her about two months later.  . She planned the wedding, he showed up as he was told.

Why did he leave me?  He said I was a great mother and wife but "he changed".  That "we" were on a different page.  I have not once, not one time in six years have heard that he has said one bad word about me.  Even his affair partner, I have never heard one bad thing about me through the grapevine.  Usually what I hear is bad things about HER, or them, and their antics, nothing about me.

So why does he stay with her?

It's the path of least resistance and he is a coward.  It's that simple.

Do I think they will someday break up?  Yes, but it will have zero to do with me (I'm remarried and the door is shut tight).

She is over twenty years younger and she wants a baby.  He is almost 55 and scared to death of his aging (sorry dude, hooking up with a girl half your age did not stop the clock after all).  So far, she has got everything she wants except that baby.  They have been together for seven years (the first two while we were still married).  She was in her twenties when they first hooked up, that nasty biological clock wasn't a big deal then, but as time moves on, my best guess is, so will she.

Then the last check on the mid-life crisis handbook will be checked off.
Old and alone due to crappy choices.

[hope2018]

Bewildered-  Maybe this article will help answer the question "How long will this affair last?"

https://personaltao.com/midlife-crisis/midlife-affair/

"Its the opposite where he feels he wont be judged for doing the immoral things he doing, surrounded by people who validate these wrong doings and accept them. Its exactly what they say happens with limerence- the changing of own core beliefs and long held values to fit with what they are doing.  He is wearing a mask with OW and is the opposite of who he was with her."

This is script of MLC.  They turn to be someone we do not know and hang with those who validate or do not question their bad behaviors.  This is all of our MLC'ers not just yours.  My H's AD is a psychologist!  Go re-read his actions towards her and she cant catch on!  These broken people will not be able to maintain a healthy relationship-if we can even call it that!  It will fall apart- we just do not know when. 

My kids are adults and we have open communication.  If there is something they think I should know they will tell me.  I do not snoop, but a friend does keep an eye on social media.  She also will let me know when I need to know something. She was the one to tell me they broke up a week ago (but OW wont let him go). 

[hope2018]

Great topic...I am sure that many LBS’s will find this thread very interesting.

Ido believe that the affair relationship is lust and not love. In my case it is two damaged individuals feeding off each others egos and hurting others.  One would assume that this behaviour is not healthy and one cannot to continue that mentality. I guess with our knowledge of MLC many of us await for the Mlcers awakening...if that will even happen?

THIS!  As time passes, BD 2.5 yrs, I see changes in my H and this is exactly where I am at-waiting!  My divorce will be final next month, I hoped for his awakening before the finalization but that is not going to happen.  Now I hope for the D to help him with his awakening and then the breakdown of the affair.  As I posted prior, I do worry that he will feel he lost me and that there is no reason to leave her.  Again more waiting!

[hope2018]

I quoted wrong sorry - if someone can fix it or tell me how that would be great!

[megogirl]

THIS!  As time passes, BD 2.5 yrs, I see changes in my H and this is exactly where I am at-waiting!  My divorce will be final next month, I hoped for his awakening before the finalization but that is not going to happen.  Now I hope for the D to help him with his awakening and then the breakdown of the affair.  As I posted prior, I do worry that he will feel he lost me and that there is no reason to leave her.  Again more waiting!

Hope, I also lost the race against the "awakening" clock.  But since then, I've realized that none of it even matters (other than a pain in the ass - having to be "re-married"!)

Because God doesn't care what my/your "state" says.  A deal is a deal, damnit.

It is these thoughts that have led me to my Stand as a "covenant-keeper."  Nothing else has really mattered to me since BD.  Because family. is. EVERYTHING.     

 

[Velika]

Personal Tao offers some really beautiful spiritual insights, but they do not address the symptoms many people see here, and I think in this way unintentionally perpetuate ideas about midlife crisis that harms LBS ability to protect themselves and their children.

I think what we are witnessing is closer to the types of affairs described on bipolar/cyclothemia forums. I truly believe that many times they are tragic attempts to self medicate and feel "good" coupled with lack of judgement, impulse control, and empathy.

Modifying to add: I also disagree with their (and other sites that offer paid counseling services) take that the LBS can affect the outcome. This too unfortunately minimizes the condition and adds more confusion to vulnerable LBS.

[hope2018]

Megogirl,

I believe in my vows and it hurts to think how much he has tossed our promise to each other away- like we are yesterday's garbage.  I will continue to fight, but I'm feeling that I am the only one that will be fighting.  It takes two to make a marriage work and right now I am all alone.  It is very lonely where I am at.  He has made a small change and I will continue to hope for more changes.  I am not ready to give up!  I don't think the affair is the issue holding him back, it is himself.  He needs more time to see his life sucks!  He has lost so much and I know he hasn't realized it.  When he does he will have his awakening and the affair will breakdown.  I just hope that my H has the courage to look back to his family and to want to be a part of it again.  I wish you the best as we are both in the same black hole.  The thing is you and I have the strength, the wisdom and courage to climb out and survive!

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Because God doesn't care what my/your "state" says.  A deal is a deal, damnit.

Well said! I don't recall inviting the "state" to my wedding.

[hope2018]

Because God doesn't care what my/your "state" says.  A deal is a deal, damnit.

Well said! I don't recall inviting the "state" to my wedding.

EXACTLY!  And to have a judge push a divorce because it sat for 6 months and he wants it off his docket.  Why should you have the right to interfere in MY marriage!