[Rising Phoenix]

I’m joining in.

I also think my h ow would be a nightmare to get rid of. H works with ow and she has managed to manipulate him into having no one in his life but ow and her parents. Will not engage with me, our children or his family.

Unfortunately I don’t see karma bus in the near future. It’s been 4.5 yrs and my h went from 3 yrs cake eater to near vanisher for 1 yr with only two interactions with our children and complete vanisher for the last 3 mths. H is too busy buying motorbikes with ow and going on holidays abroad but can’t afford to complete finances so he can complete divorce.

Ow continues to like or laugh at posts clearly aimed at me so I have removed myself from social media. Friends say it shows all is not well in Lala land if she has to do that but who knows. I just remain silent. I have a support worker for my children who interviewed h and she said he thinks I hate him and that she sees a man who gambled and lost everything. I don’t see that xx

[sachat3]

Rising - very similar. H has no friends and doesn’t talk to his family despite living with his mum and brother. He will make pleasantries but not actually speak to them. A lot of the time I will tell his mum things about the children and she will say “I didn’t know that H never said” H used to have a ping with his friend after work on Friday. This has stopped since Ow came along.

[DCD]

my husband has been home for just over a year. we're reconnecting but it's still unclear as to what end.  we behave as a family, eat together, go out, share a bed most of the time (he works rotating shifts), but still follow the terms of our separation (he pays me support...) so a bit strange, i guess.
ANYWAY, he had asked, a full year prior to him moving back, to come home and I sort of deflected, redirected, so on, it had been a long journey for me, to say the least and I really didn't want to disrupt the life i now (then) had....but in one of the discussions, he had said to me something i had heard here on this forum years before:  "they will leave the OP when the pain of staying with them outweighs the pain of leaving". The way he said it was more along the lines of "she's become much more trouble than she's worth and here is where I'd rather be".  He eventually stopped asking so i had assumed they made up but within the year, he had moved in all his totes (which had been packed for months at that point, he told me).  He had been living with her for almost 8 years at that point and likely seeing her for 9 years. 

It's never a clean break, unless one of them dies.  Just within the last month, after months of no contact, she's been back in contact with him in dramatic fashion (first accusing him of harassment, causing him problems with work, then immediately declaring her undying love for him and wanting him back so they can have a child together), but he shut her down.  her last contact, a few weeks after that, was through his friend to let him know that she is now pregnant with her current boyfriend's baby (they bought a house together six months ago).  husband couldn't get home fast enough to tell me the news.

[hope2018]

When the affair started to breakdown what did you see if anything ? I ask because my H started to reconnect with the kids since the first of the year. The first break up with AD was 12/31 the second was February and he still shows his status as single but he has seen her twice that I know of. I am wondering if they begin to put the focus back on kids/family when they are not getting the high from the relationship anymore. H would go months without seeing kids while he was in the affair.

[JoJoJo]

JoJoJo-
I am so glad you shared your story.  Congratulations on the decision to reconcile!  How long was your H with his AD?

We had known the OW for 16 years, she had worked for him for about 10 years.   I suspect their EA (they were BFFs at work, she would call herself his "work wife" and tell me that!) started a few years before the PA, but the PA started June/July 2014 when I was out of town with the kids and ended January 2017 (that was the last time according to him that they had sex).  So the nasty dirty went on for 2 1/2 years....blech!  Still makes me sick to think of how long he was physically with her  AND with me!  I found out in February 2017 but didn't confront him until March 2017.  He said the relationship was fizzling out and they were on and off for awhile.  He fired her in maybe May or June of 2017 and she has really just disappeared.  Honestly she is probably moving on to get what she can (finanacially) from another man out there.  It's pretty much her way!  She's an opportunist!

[DCD]

When the affair started to breakdown what did you see if anything ? I ask because my H started to reconnect with the kids since the first of the year. The first break up with AD was 12/31 the second was February and he still shows his status as single but he has seen her twice that I know of. I am wondering if they begin to put the focus back on kids/family when they are not getting the high from the relationship anymore. H would go months without seeing kids while he was in the affair.

Hi hope - not sure if this question is directed at me, but i'm answering this baby anyways
My husband's relationship early on with our son was pretty pathetic.  He always talked about his commitment to being a dad but never followed through on anything promised, often putting OW before son.  He rarely bought him gifts for christmases or birthdays and i believe would tell his family that he and i went in together on these and that son received them while with me.  His OW would go all out to post how spoiled she was on special occasions (yup, i looked - it gave me a good heads up on what to expect as far as mood from husband...it became apparent that she posted most when she felt most threatened).  He didn't give much at all in the way of money for anything until he was court ordered to do so.  It was the saddest thing really, and husband is still feeling the effects of it to an extent today.  He has come a very long way in his relationship with his son - they hang out as much as son allows. Our son has special needs and is now a young adult.  he was 10 when his dad left and at a point where he really needed his dad.  He was 17 (and a half ) when his dad returned.  Now they'll "go to the bar for a drink and watch the game".  Son's drink of choice is lemonade  .  They order wings and chat up the ladies.  Every once in a while, i'm invited to join, but mostly i just ask that they bring me back a half order of jambalaya. His dad is excited and animated when he sees him at the end of the day and son is definitely coming around, too. 
The biggest thing i noticed around the time of breakdown is how angry husband was becoming.  A lot of monster.  I found that when things were rosy with his girlfriend, he was nice and helpful and generally "seemed" happy.  I feel as though the anger came from me living my best life while his own life had started to swirl around the toilet bowl.  He would be nice enough, try to get a good idea of where i was in life, who i was with, and then get angry.  I feel like he actually was feeling me out to see if i would be open to a return of some degree.  But then i sort of felt that off and on throughout.  But for the first 6 years, it was easier for him to just stay with her, i guess.  He definitely was much more monstery near the end but i also attributed that to his anger over having to fork over his money to me in a settlement.  That's always been a bone of contention with him and still is.  Money means a great deal to him and finances are a bit of a hot topic in general.  But i do believe he felt i had closed the door on any kind of return and that angered him.  As soon as he saw there was light still on through the cracks, he mellowed out significantly and took a gentler and kinder approach, taking advantage of the fact that we shared the same concerns about our son and the house. 

[sachat3]

DCD - I’m just butting in here ha! Sorry guys. I was just wondering 7.5ywars is a long time. We’re you actively standing during that time or did you waiver? I’m only 16 months post BD and I feel like I’m waivering but not sure it that’s normal. I spend more time analysing my own feelings and the whole “why am I not angry” “why am I sad now” that I do his actions ha!

[Anon]

I’m only 16 months post BD and I feel like I’m waivering but not sure it that’s normal. I spend more time analysing my own feelings and the whole “why am I not angry” “why am I sad now” that I do his actions ha!

Sachet - it’s normal to waiver.   It’s also better to analyze your feelings than your H’s actions.    Check out Treasur’s discussion thread if you haven’t already.  A lot of interesting comments there about standing.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10550.0

[Rising Phoenix]

DCD, wow 8 yrs! At 4.5 yrs I feel like no hope of reconciliation. Your post about h and son is how my h has been with our kids. My son is autistic. I did wonder if ow feels threatened still when she is posting on social media especially when posting on valentines and h b day aimed at me. Blaming me for kids not seeing h when I have emailed and emailed asking him to see his kids. I no longer bother. After 3 yrs cake eater to vanisher I do notice h is even more monster when he had contact in June 18 and Nov 18. H states he considers himself no longer married and yet my lawyer has not heard from h re finances and divorce since Aug 18.

Can I ask, how did you handle ow posts? I just ignore and removed myself from social media. Did your h vanish at all and if so how did you handle that? Xx

[sachat3]

Rising - I get OW making posts about me. She
Akg posts things along the lines of “when his ex gf stalks your page 1 in smarter than you I’m prettier than you get the f*ck over it” and captions it “hi hun” or if I post something on my page. Completely not aimed at her. She posts a rebuttal. Example - I uploaded a selfie with a friend. We were both sticking our tongue out and goofing around. I have a tongue piercing. Ow then uploaded a quote that said “Tounges should never be out in photos” and she captioned it “okay we get it you have a tongue piercing” and that was within the hour. It’s funny because I do not stalk her page I. Anyway I have people who show me her posts as and when they feel it’s appropriate but OW is morphing into me. She will post and act like I’m a massive problem when literally I don’t bother my H unless it involves the children. Our children are still very young 2 5 and 7. And H is very heavily involved and will see them usually 5/6 times a week. Which mustn’t help Ow confidence as H was unfaithful to Ow with me and she knows. Also apparently OW has been posting about “no more second chances in 2019” etc so maybe H is on his last leg ot she’s posting for a reaction. Other than that Ow spends a lot of time posting gushing about H and stuff. It’s sad really. You never see her posts with her girlfriends. Just H and “look what materialistic thing I have now”

Her posts used to bother me and I did come off social media for a while but then I didn’t want to give her a reaction and not being on social media is letting her win so I’m back. I post what I like when I like and honestly I don’t care. I know Ow stalks me. She makes it obvious in her posts but that shows more about her than me.