Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - re-thinking the design  (Read 1475 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: Reassembling - re-thinking the design
« Reply #80 on: January 14, 2019, 10:53:55 AM »
Quote
And I have to learn that my gut is usually dead on. I have to learn to trust my instincts again.
^^^THIS! ^^^
We (the LBS) have often been either gaslighted or been so far up the river of De Nile that we can not possibly be seeing/experiencing what we are seeing/experiencing at the hands of someone who had professed to love us until death that we have called out own instincts into doubt. Learning to trust those instincts again is, in fact, a learning process, complete with mistakes and failures. It takes time to return to the place of being able to read and trust your own feelings....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - re-thinking the design
« Reply #81 on: January 14, 2019, 06:29:16 PM »
UrsaMajor - you are absolutely right. The gaslighting is really hard to rebound from. It takes a lot of work and it is amazing how much it robs us of that. I was always very confident prior to MLC. And, for many years I had a partner who cheered me on. In my case, I look back and see the changes that occurred. It really back when Xh's M died. It was rare, but there was a shift. But, FIL moving in and MLC went hand-in-hand. FIL chipped away at me and Xh piled on. I dismissed too much of it and let it happen. And then I became so conditioned to the nonsense, I didn't realize I was a shell of myself.

My sister recalled not too long ago watching it just suck the life out of me. She recognized it, and I would call her, sobbing. She tried to talk to me, but I wasn't ready to hear the ugly truth. My Xh had become emotionally abusive in his crisis mode. It is easy to look back and see it now. In part because I didn't want to admit it to myself. Partially because I didn't want to admit my Xh had become that way. And the other big part was I didn't want to admit I allowed it to happen and became a victim. Angry with myself for letting it happen. Not seeing it.

I had to fight hard to regain the belief in myself and being comfortable in my own skin. But, the doubt in my instincts really messes me up. It is not that I was so sure of myself before that I didn't see my flaws or own my mistakes. I would have moments of serious self reflection or feeling less than at times. But I rarely doubted my gut instincts. Those have rarely failed me. Now, I find at times I hesitate more than I did when it comes to that. And not a hesitation where it is a pause to make sure. This is a true, sometimes internal battle where I try to tell myself I am wrong. And then when my instincts were spot on, I have beat myself up for not trusting myself. It is a vicious cycle and one I have found myself falling victim to at times.

But, it is becoming less frequent, so it is progress. It is slowly returning - that faith in my own intuition.

At lunchtime, I bit the bullet and decided to just take the hit and pay off one of my debts. It is part of the MLC induced debts. There are others. And it wasn't a little amount, but I have the money. I decided I need to start the New Year with some sense of moving forward financially. I am not going to be able to get back on track in a year, but this little push was good mentally. Right after I had done that, my M called to inform me that I am to make sure my passport is up to date. My parents want me to go to Europe some time this summer. They will be visiting my cousin and they always go for an extended visit. They said obviously my cousin would want to see me, but they want me to travel and have some fun. I can't take tons of time off. Last time I traveled for 5 weeks all over Europe.

I had to laugh that this news came after I just wrote a huge check to pay off that debt. LOL. Gonna be working my a$$ off to see how I can make this happen. I have to think about my school schedule and summer in general. I have things I need to factor in, but this seems like it might be possible.

Today, both my boss and his W said S is an awful lot like me and always makes an effort to be kind to others and to smile. He could be having a horrible day and a client comes in and S will run to open a door and he will put on a genuine smile. It is not fake, he sets his emotions aside for that moment to acknowledge someone. I hadn't really thought about this, but my boss said I am the same way. This conversation became a bit of theme today, it would seem. LOL

I left work and I was in a quiet mood. Not a bad mood by any stretch. Nor was I in a deep thinking mode. Just quiet. One of many things some people are not used to. The general consensus is I am bubbly and social. But, that is my extroverted part. I keep a lot secret and quiet. Very few people know that about me. And when I am rather quiet, those who don't really know me assume I am down or in a bad mood.

There were a couple of stops I decided to make on the way home. I was in the mood for seared scallops tonight and have been craving fresh steamed vegetables the past few days. I had already gone through the ones I bought the other day, having steamed some and used some in stir fry. I was also in the mood for these obscenely expensive oranges. LOL.

My first stop I was to a clothing/home goods store. I was behind a woman who had her 20 something year old grandson with her and his job was to carry her many bags. He was grumbling at first telling her he had been with her yesterday scoping out the sale racks and she bought nothing. She smiled and said to him that she had been watching for sales and had waited for the rewards coupons to come. He was a bit exasperated and said she could well afford the prices yesterday. (I happen to know who she is and yes, she could probably buy the whole store and still be living large). But the cashier rang her up and gave her the total. It was well over $1000 and then she started applying the discounts and coupons. When she read the new total, I told her I was not worthy of her shopping skills. She laughed. Her grandson's mouth was open. The cashier said she saved $926 on her purchases. The new total was $164.

Before the woman left she looked at me and asked why I looked familiar. I told her who I was and she smiled and it made sense. She said that my M and F were in school with her. My M always had a smile on her face and my F had a twinkle in his eye.

I went next door to the hardware store and the person working the customer service desk said hello as I walked by. She recognized me and commented that I always say hello to the sales people when I come in and how refreshing it is.

The funny thing was I ended up in a bit of a battle with the evening manager and the girl working the register. The woman at customer service overheard it and was laughing. I had a coupon for half off of something. When this particular store has these deals, I go in and buy things like tonight, a new smoke detector. I had realized most of them were from when we bought the house and I have been slowly replacing them. It is not a fun thing to buy. I brought it to the register and the young woman rang up the sale. It should have come to over $30 for the 2 items. I told her that even if they were both half off it should have been $22. She said I was mistaken, she did it correctly. Over came her manager, who was only 18 or 19. He was too busy making eyes at her and he didn't pay attention to what was happening either. I was getting a bit exasperated, until finally I said, okay, I guess the total is $12. The customer service person was sweeping the front entry and laughed. She is an older woman and she shrugged and said clearly it is that new math they are teaching. I was feeling guilty at first, but she said the manager approved it, it is on him ultimately and I tried to make it right. She laughed and said "belated Merry Christmas".

I went into the grocery store and was just laughing at that last encounter. I ran into several people who know me. We said our hellos. As I was leaving the store one of the guys who works getting the carts and such made a comment to me and said "you are always say hello and are always smiling, what is your secret"? I didn't get a chance to answer and I didn't really have one. I heard a voice from behind me. A familiar one, but I could not place it. As I turned around there stood one of my former high school teachers. She lives around the corner from me and her mother lives one road over the other way. She quite often drives by my house, so she waves.  She has witnessed my many walks where tears were streaming down my face. She never asked, but she knew things were bad. She said to the young man that she has known me for nearly 40 years and even on my worst days she has seen me take time to say hello and smile. I am able to set aside my feelings and smile at the person. I ask about them. I was clearly turning beet red and she gave me a hug. Right behind her in came my cousin, who I have not seen in months. He overheard the conversation and laughed. He said that is all true, but don't ever make me really mad. I gave him a punch and then a hug.

I drove home and thought about this sudden build up, that I didn't ask for. I don't like the limelight and being called out. But, I must admit it was kind of nice to know that my efforts to be positive are noticed. I don't always feel terribly positive. LOL.

For a day that started out with a "just get me through the day" feeling, it certainly didn't end that way.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2019, 06:33:47 PM by MourningDove »

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - re-thinking the design
« Reply #82 on: January 15, 2019, 12:44:28 AM »
Quote
And I have to learn that my gut is usually dead on. I have to learn to trust my instincts again.
^^^THIS! ^^^
We (the LBS) have often been either gaslighted or been so far up the river of De Nile that we can not possibly be seeing/experiencing what we are seeing/experiencing at the hands of someone who had professed to love us until death that we have called out own instincts into doubt. Learning to trust those instincts again is, in fact, a learning process, complete with mistakes and failures. It takes time to return to the place of being able to read and trust your own feelings....

This is SO true.
And then the set of secondary emotions that go with it. Shame, anger, fear.

Tbh, if I was talking to someone in RL now who did not know my pre-crisis h or how we were together for most of those 18 years, I would sound delusional if I talked about how it really was. It really was 95% chalk and cheese, and a lot of extremely weird things happened despite any effort by me to act normally. There is no easy way really to explain how a once really loving h and best friend turned into someone who apparently was quite content for me to be burnt to a crisp. It is like one of those 'nice guy is secretly a murderer' TV movies, not RL, not normal, not something most people have ever experienced. You feel as if you are losing your mind or like Cassandra, no one believes you but it is right there in front of you.

And they do so much that makes SO little rational sense but we feel the rage or entitlement in it, yet RL people just don't see that. We know they are lying and we know other people believe them. I was so lucky that my L always knew that my then h was not rational and supported me accordingly.

I honestly think that trusting our own deepest instincts again after so much gaslighting and crazymaking attacks is a really important stage in our own healing. Often we start to get there when we are just exhausted of trying to make anything add up or the hunt for explanations which we can work with. No answers and lots of confusion means that we fall back on our instincts and find slowly that we can trust them. We go slow and wait to feel clearer about what to do as opposed to rushing into action. We start to feel that our judgement is good enough even if no one else agrees.

But then, we also need to forgive ourselves for the times in this extraordinary experience when we didn't or when we didn't act on it. Tbh, I think for a long time we are caught in a loop of using a hammer like normal when we actually need a chisel. Once we find our metaphorical chisel, the situation doesn't change but how we deal with it does.

And then like you Mourning we start to get our mojo back slowly and people feel it perhaps before they see it.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 12:52:17 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - re-thinking the design
« Reply #83 on: January 15, 2019, 09:06:11 PM »
Treasur - I think back to MLC - early crisis and compare myself then to now to remind myself how far I have come at times when I feel like I am at my wits end. I have to reflect at times to realize that my Xh was gaslighting me and emotionally abusive in his crisis mode. I have to be kind to myself at times noting that it was a slow progression to that chipping away. And I made excuses for Xh.

I am still sympathetic to the fact that he is not well - is struggling or maybe has some mental/chemical imbalance. Whatever anyone wants to classify it as, it is the same end result in that he is not addressing any of it. And had I allowed myself to continue to be the whipping post, I would have gotten to a point where I am not sure I would have the strength to rebound from it. I might have been that bitter, depressed person who is unhappy in life. IDK. I am grateful I don't have to find out.

My classes went quickly this morning and I have several students finally realizing they have a creative side.

I got to the mill and was working away when my boss came in. He was in a pensive mood and said he thinks he has not really tapped into my strengths and asked me a question about marketing and design. The staff in marketing and design are very young. With that comes an enthusiasm but on the flip side they are green. I like most of them. They spend much of their lunch playing on their phones and no very little about the people outside of their little bubble.

Yet, the youngest woman there is a pain in the butt, there is no other word for it. She is fresh out of college and several people have quietly noted she needs brought down a few pegs. I like to go in and do my job and don't want to be part of the drama. But, it would seem I was the one who was going to bring her down more than a few pegs today simply by the questions asked by my boss.

She is bright and enthusiastic, but because she was an A student in college she thinks she knows it all. The problem is she has little life experience and she is one of those who takes one course on a subject, does well and she is now an expert. And she just generally looks down at people. I have noticed in her office is a little framed print. I have said nothing about it. I smile every time I see it and just laugh as she clearly has never really paid attention.

Today, my boss was frustrated by the fact that his staff is going right to the computer to create things and he feels there is not enough creativity. The young women were rolling their eyes when I said they should sketch it out and storyboard it, flushing out the ideas first before executing it. He asked me if I could do it and get it to him by the end of the day. I laughed and said that I didn't need a whole day for concept sketches. I grabbed a pen and drew out 10 sketches with notes as we sat there. As I drew them I talked them through the sketch ideas.

Initially, it felt really strange to be doing this.

As I sketched and worked through this request, I realized why it felt a bit odd. I haven't worked drawing out concept sketches on demand in front of a client since Xh entered into MLC. We used to work on these together or I would work with clients. Once MLC hit, Xh didn't want my help and even when I did a couple of projects he would be so brutal. Not normal criticisms, that were meant to improve the work these were out and out break my spirit critiques.

That strange feeling didn't stick, luckily. I felt a calmness come over me and the process flowed sketch wise, but the ease in which I could think and draw it out as shocking to me. It felt okay again to do it.

The young woman who has been in need of being taken down a few notches made some comment under her breath inferring how would I really know what it is like to work as a designer, since I work in the front offices. My boss bristled. He knows my situation and he was ready to say something when I walked over to her little print. I asked her about it. She said it was a wine label and she had the lettering cut off and the print framed. I asked her if she had seen the additional 6 labels. She looked at me, clearly confused. I said, yes there are 6 more in the series and I never was happy with the way this particular label printed out, as they changed printing companies and they had to do color correction. I told her where she could see the original paintings that my client kept. She looked at me and said "client" - I walked out the door and said, yes one of many clients I have worked for over the years.

Now the only problem is she is being too nice and came in and said goodnight to me when she left. I am not so sure I trust that one. I am on guard for the time being. LOL.

I came home and opened up my emails to find, strangely enough 3 invites to participate in gallery shows. The one show, there is no way I can meet the deadline, but the other 2, I may be able to manage. No matter what, it felt like a bit like finding an arrow to lead me on the right path.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 09:32:18 PM by MourningDove »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - re-thinking the design
« Reply #84 on: Today at 02:48:58 AM »
Quote from: MourningDove
I asked her if she had seen the additional 6 labels. She looked at me, clearly confused. I said, yes there are 6 more in the series and I never was happy with the way this particular label printed out, as they changed printing companies and they had to do color correction. I told her where she could see the original paintings that my client kept. She looked at me and said "client" - I walked out the door and said, yes one of many clients I have worked for over the years.



Quote from: MourningDove
Now the only problem is she is being too nice and came in and said goodnight to me when she left. I am not so sure I trust that one. I am on guard for the time being. LOL.

Oh, from Little Miss Stuck-up to Little Miss Suck-up in one fell swoop?  I'd have LOVED to see your bosses face when you did that...   There is a German saying that, translated, says "Smiling is the best way to show your opponent your teeth."
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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