Author Topic: My Story  Growth For A New Half Century  (Read 1460 times)

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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My Story Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #90 on: February 11, 2019, 06:19:20 PM »

I know what made Mr J get into MLC, the death of his paternal grandmother and not being told of the funeral until afterwards. FIL was supposed to let Mr J know, he never did. After the funeral, not seeing us there, SIL asked FIL if he called Mr J. He hadn't. SIL called. Mr J got very, very angry at FIL.

That was late Spring/early Summer 2005. Of course I only put two and two together years after BD.

From his paternal grandmother's death onwards, Mr J start to have strange behaviours. At first, nothing too odd. In hindsight, it shows how things progressed.


It could be Mr J missed out on teenager things. If he did, he was not aware of it pre-MLC. In MLC, who knows what he is aware of. Probably not much, if anything.

After MLC he may know.

Your grandmother would be right. Mr J got himself into a hole and cannot get out of it. And, sadly, he keep digging that hole deeper and deeper as his crisis went by. His constant anger doesn't help either. I also hope he can find a way of coming out the hole


Mr J is not the only enigma. Mr Xyzcf, Mr Trustandlove and a few others also are. In a way, all long time MLCers are a mystery/enigma.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #91 on: February 11, 2019, 11:17:36 PM »
I smiled again at your post, Anjae -- Mr T&L is certainly an enigma :)

The latest thing I read in last weekend's papers talked about attachment style -- avoidant or anxious, I think the spectrum ends were.

Throughout this mess it has come to me again and again that the most important thing to Mr. T&L seems to be to be separate from us; he is a class A avoider.  It's all the same things we say, that I show him too much of the mirror, that he doesn't want the commitment, the attachment, the showing his inner self, call it what you will. 

But again, that is only yet another way for me/us to try to understand something that really isn't understandable.  All I can say is that he used to be different, or that at the very least I believed him when he acted and spoke very differently for many, many years. 

It comes down to the same thing, he finds something to keep him from having to think too much or to have to face himself, and if he does ever come up against something unpleasant or sees a reaction in me or the children that points out something unpleasant, he can say that our reaction is the problem, rather than his behaviour.  Unfortunately something we see too much of, though. 

And on we go...

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #92 on: February 12, 2019, 01:32:44 AM »
Hi Trust,

Nice to know my post made you smile. I really find long time MLCers an enigma.

Mr J was a class A clinger at first. Then he avoided, avoided, avoided.

We do show them the mirror and they don't like. They also seem afraid of letting their inner self out. Or maybe the inner self is trying to come out, but not managing?

Mr J also always finds something to keep himself busy and not having to face things.

...

Saw Mr J's reply to my answer to his reply. It was shorter and less agressive in tone. That he didn't mean we have to meet in person, that other people could do it - if so, why did he first said he would be here, but I could have someone of my trust meeting him? No idea.

That he wanted to exchange things - there is nothing to exchange until joint property is split. Personal effects don't count.

That he would not rebook the meeting and that he didn't wanted me to contact him about my heeirlom or any other matters. Of course he does not. He has nearly all our joint things, he sold and gave away joing things without asking me if I was OK with it or giving me half of the money, etc.

At least, he is no longer angry about those fanzines I must have and had lend to the big collective exhibition that was held here a few months ago and that had always been at MIL.  ::)

I send him a longer e-mail. Saying several things. That he does not get to pick one day, place and time without consulting me first because he does not know about my life, like I don't know his.

That personal things cannot be exchanged by joint things. The first belong only to their owner, the second to both and have to be split, or exchange for an equivalent thing we both agree on. That he sold and gave away joint property without consulting me and without giving half the money.

That he may not understand what joint meant. Gave him a couple of examples of things he thinks are his alone, but aren't, saying I have no interest in them, so he has to give me half their value or something equivalent. That he was disrespectful both in deciding alone when he would come here and by not wanting to book another meeting as well as by selling and giving away joint things without consulting me and slip the money.

That I understood why he didn't want more contact about matters, it would mean talking about things he has no interest him debating/spilt, but that we would have to do it. That to slip our things a full list would had to be made, etc. And that we didn't had to do it now, but that it would had to be done.

Most of it may not register, but he will have the e-mail. As usual, I bcc the e-mail to my lawyer. He keeps sending e-mails without any cc or bcc.

I used a nice tone, lots of for example, as well as saying that there are options, including for his coming here on the 24th. Since none of us have to be present, leaving things at SIL as I have suggested would be a good option. Or I could ask one of my brother if they are available, but he would not come here, but to them. Or them to him.

Of course he only seems interested in coming here to the house. Why refuse to leave things at SIL? I don't know.

He has said I don't know who many times before not to contact him. I usually don't. And I probably will let a while go by before I do again. Now, what happened to his burning desire of having those old magazines? No longer wants them? MLCers, phew.  ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #93 on: February 12, 2019, 11:36:20 AM »
Quote
Mr J is not the only enigma. Mr Xyzcf, Mr Trustandlove and a few others also are. In a way, all long time MLCers are a mystery/enigma.

Yes, I still can't explain or even begin to understand my ex. For three years, I was the monster, the source of all her ails. We divorce and she moves away. Haven't heard from her in five years.

It's very easy to get caught up searching for answers to things we may never understand. How can one with a flip of a switch, leave one's family, turn everyone's world upside down? Waste thousands of dollars, start a new relationship with often an equally messed up person- even to the point of having children with this new person- all for the sake of one's new pursuit of happiness.

It would be like if I gave up my great job, forgot all my plans, and told the family I would be happier if I was homeless. Bought myself a tent, sleeping bag, and a few items before I ambled off into the urban jungle.

Even MLCer's that come back have trouble explaining their thought process other than it seemed they were in a fog. That they couldn't explain their own actions or really confront their own actions.

I still try to think through my own actions and if I had zigged instead of zagged? Would things be different? From my own observations, my ex is still deep in the hole. Her own actions are surprisingly still the same. Meandering from job to job. Complaining that the boss is mean to her and still online with others.

Will I ever figure her out? Probably not and maybe that's why I stopped my stand. It took some time and many hits, but I finally reached a point where I asked myself, "Is this other person really somebody I want back in my life?" Not for the kids, but for me....because the Ready prior to MLC is not the Ready now.

Prior to MLC, I would have given in to her demands and issues. Today, I would stand my ground, there would be boundaries and accountability. You don't have a marriage where one person works 80 hours a week and the other picks and chooses their activities and chores. Yes, my MLCer may have come back, but it would be a far different world.

I am not saying this out of anger- but as an LBSer, I focused on me and making changes that made me a better person and partner.

Truly if my ex came back to me today, she could easily say that I am an enigma too!

I am glad that you are standing firm and not letting Mr. J get his way.

((((Hugs)))
Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #94 on: February 12, 2019, 05:06:59 PM »
Hi Ready,

I'm not caught up searching for answers the way newbies are. It has been 12 plus years of Mr J's MLC. For me it is a case of scientific curiosity regarding long time, and very long time MLCers.

There must be some difference why some MLCers have short, or medium, crisis, and others remain in MCL for 10 or more years.

If, at least, MLCers were happy. They aren't. The new life, OW/OM, etc. do not bring happiness. So, it must be the LBS, who, in many cases, the MLCers hasn't seen in years.

I'm not standing. Never was. Mr J is neither part of my life or part of my life plans. But, there are still legal and other issues that need to be sorted. And never are. Because his MCL mind/self does not get things. Or thinks he can do as he pleases and everything belongs to him. Phew.

No idea what Mr J would say about me if he would come back today. It makes no difference. He is, and isn't an enigma. The enigma is  the leght of his crisis. Other than that, he is like all MLCers, chasing happiness that never comes, angry, unhappy, etc. Not someone I would want in my life.

I am so changed and so different that, even if Mr J would revert to his former self, I doubt he would fit.

Hugs
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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