Author Topic: My Story Papageno’s MLC  (Read 1607 times)

Offline PapagenaTopic starter

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My Story Re: Papageno’s MLC
« Reply #70 on: April 17, 2019, 10:06:43 AM »
I know. Some say he is testing the waters because he realises the damage that has been done. Perhaps.

Anyway I told him I want action not Words. Up til now, no such thing.

Apart from that I have good and bad days. I do go out and meet people, but sometimes I struggle.
Both end 30s.
15 yrs together. Engaged, not married.
No children, were trying ...
MLC trigger about 3-4 years ago.
BD December 2017, but replay started earlier in retrospect. Left home May 2018
Lives with OW
Kind of boomerang/touch and go type MLCer.
Still standing, but finding it difficult, sometimes losing patience and ready to throw in the towel.

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Papageno’s MLC
« Reply #71 on: April 17, 2019, 10:30:58 AM »
One of the ways that I will be able to tell that he is "cooked" is when his words and actions are consistent.  So far, it's not happening.  But I still have hope.....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline PapagenaTopic starter

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Re: Papageno’s MLC
« Reply #72 on: April 17, 2019, 11:06:09 AM »
Cooked  ;D I like that. Mine is still raw on the inside ;) .

Sometimes I wonder if this really is a MLC. I do recognize a lot of things, make no mistake. But not the anger, the blaming me, the rewriting history. I just see depression and confusion.
Both end 30s.
15 yrs together. Engaged, not married.
No children, were trying ...
MLC trigger about 3-4 years ago.
BD December 2017, but replay started earlier in retrospect. Left home May 2018
Lives with OW
Kind of boomerang/touch and go type MLCer.
Still standing, but finding it difficult, sometimes losing patience and ready to throw in the towel.

Offline PapagenaTopic starter

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Re: Papageno’s MLC
« Reply #73 on: April 18, 2019, 12:16:11 AM »
I'm re-reading all of the information on the site (btw it seems some parts are not working correctly, I sent a message to RCR). It says cake eating is a means of reconciliation. I am going to read that part again ... that's a difficult one. I can understand it (maybe it is what others called testing the waters) but how much do you accept?

I realise I haven't told much about my own life: well reconnecting with old friends, discovering my more spiritual side, taking care of my 2 kitties (ie making sure they don't tear down the house ;) ). I should take up playing piano again, but somehow that did not yet happen. I still feel my energy is not 100% so I do what I can and don't fret too much when something does not (yet) work out.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 12:29:49 AM by Papagena »
Both end 30s.
15 yrs together. Engaged, not married.
No children, were trying ...
MLC trigger about 3-4 years ago.
BD December 2017, but replay started earlier in retrospect. Left home May 2018
Lives with OW
Kind of boomerang/touch and go type MLCer.
Still standing, but finding it difficult, sometimes losing patience and ready to throw in the towel.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Papageno’s MLC
« Reply #74 on: April 18, 2019, 12:31:29 AM »
I don't see cake eating as a means to reconciliation. More often it is a way for the MLCer to avoid the reality of their choices imho. To keep the appearance of a wife or family or home when in reality they no longer have those things bc they chose to leave. And the cost of cake can be quite high for the LBS and other family members.

Treating people with respect and civility is different. Not waging war or pursuing them with a big angry stick. Maintaining some kind of communication door may help in the longer term but only if the cost is not too high for the LBS. Which is a very personal thing. The most important shift for the LBS imho is when they start choosing things that serve the LBS as opposed to things that they hope will influence the MLCers thoughts, feelings or actions.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PapagenaTopic starter

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Re: Papageno’s MLC
« Reply #75 on: April 18, 2019, 12:39:34 AM »
I don't see cake eating as a means to reconciliation. More often it is a way for the MLCer to avoid the reality of their choices imho. To keep the appearance of a wife or family or home when in reality they no longer have those things bc they chose to leave. And the cost of cake can be quite high for the LBS and other family members.

Treating people with respect and civility is different. Not waging war or pursuing them with a big angry stick. Maintaining some kind of communication door may help in the longer term but only if the cost is not too high for the LBS. Which is a very personal thing. The most important shift for the LBS imho is when they start choosing things that serve the LBS as opposed to things that they hope will influence the MLCers thoughts, feelings or actions.

Yup, I tend to agree with you. Which is why I was rather surprised when I came across RCR's chapter on the matter. But maybe I will have to re-read it in depth and after waking up with a strong coffee ;) because no doubt there will be some nuances I overlooked :) .

I have to say I never saw the waging war or angry stick here. Maybe I have an atypical MLCer on my hands because that tends to be one of the key components if I understood correctly.

Actually I don't think there is anything that can influence them. It has to run its course, much like puberty. I do think the idea of really losing the LBP can trigger something, but only if the timing is right (and then that trigger will come anyway in some form or other).

There are some TV shows over here that follow people with an addiction (to alcohol, drugs most of the time) and I do see a lot of similarities there. They know what they do is wrong, they somehow want to end it, but relapses are common. Plus, family members are always advised to back off.
Both end 30s.
15 yrs together. Engaged, not married.
No children, were trying ...
MLC trigger about 3-4 years ago.
BD December 2017, but replay started earlier in retrospect. Left home May 2018
Lives with OW
Kind of boomerang/touch and go type MLCer.
Still standing, but finding it difficult, sometimes losing patience and ready to throw in the towel.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Papageno’s MLC
« Reply #76 on: April 18, 2019, 01:07:39 AM »
Yup, a friend of mine with a (recovered) addict h told me early on that a lot of my h's behaviour was similar to an addict. And that all I could do was accept it, protect myself and step away to let him do what he was going to do anyway. That any recovery was simply not in my hands or my responsibility, just like an addict. And that my h's recovery - or not - would come in its own time and inside his head.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PapagenaTopic starter

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Re: Papageno’s MLC
« Reply #77 on: April 18, 2019, 01:40:16 AM »
I often think it is too bad not many (recovered) MLCers write their stories. I did find a few, and they all say their mind was foggy, they felt a strong urge to "have to do this" even though (very) deep down they did not really want to.

I used to find it remarkable my F keeps talking about "us", "our house", "passing home to pick up stuff" and yadayada just like nothing changed. And somehow I actually think that is exactly how they feel. They go to play outside and think they can come inside whenever they want to.

However, it seems to be kind of "MLC normal". He even thought it was OK for him to enter the house without warning. Just like he would "come home". (I put a stop to that at once. But he sounded surprised and I think he really was, it was not fake).

I am an MD. I am aware of the fact that people's minds can go haywire. The stories I came across in the psychiatry ward ... and yet, this MLC thing never ceases to amaze me.
Both end 30s.
15 yrs together. Engaged, not married.
No children, were trying ...
MLC trigger about 3-4 years ago.
BD December 2017, but replay started earlier in retrospect. Left home May 2018
Lives with OW
Kind of boomerang/touch and go type MLCer.
Still standing, but finding it difficult, sometimes losing patience and ready to throw in the towel.

 

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