Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How???  (Read 2880 times)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How???
« on: December 25, 2018, 10:30:27 AM »
My last thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.0

Merry Christmas, everyone! 

Our family is settling down to a cozy day together after some drama. 
I apologize for the length of this post.  But, you should have seen my unedited version.  It was much longer!  ;D

That shoe (more likely just one of many such shoes) dropped past few days.

H had a massive anger explosion against S2.  That’s the first time S2 was at the receiving end of H’s anger. 
His reasons(!) for the outburst does not make any sense to you, me or S2, and it’s beside the point.  The fact that he had an outburst is significant.

All of us were stunned because we hadn’t seen this type of behaviour from him in a long while.  At least for a year, maybe closer to 2 years.

He shouts and rails against S2, telling him, among other things, that his attendance at church is farcical because his heart is not in it.  H always tells S that he needs ‘the bread’ (God’s word) for his spiritual health even if he is not hungry for it and he should attend the church regularly for this reason.  Contradictory statements.  He was not in his right mind.  His emotion was talking. 

After S2 left home to walk off some steam, H rehashed to me his reasons for his anger.  Blames and excuses.  Trying to be a good father that guides his children in spiritual matters, blah, blah.  He talks and I listen. 

He shifts his focus to us and uses the word ‘farcical’ again, referring to us living under the same roof, pretending everything is well.   Boy, he is having an Eeyore day.

And then he asks, ‘do you have anything to say?’  Not in a mean or challenging manner but in a very subdued way.  I was caught off guard because this kind of invitation has never been extended to me since he entered the realm of MLC.  I recover and apply the rule of 3.

I decided that it’s the right time to say what I think (not the comments he was seeking) and offered the following:
(I did not comment on ‘farcical’ as there is nothing to be gained from engaging him on that.  That’s how he feels now and that’s his prerogative.)

- I like to say something since you asked.
- I’m truly thankful to see the renewal of relationship between you and God, and that is the most important thing.
- I can see how hard you are trying to live right.
- Kids and I love you unconditionally. 
- It is my sincere wish that you continue to heal and be able to live joyfully.
(Because he said that I support the kids over him) My way of supporting you for the last few years was to give you space and quietness.  If you need and want different kinds of support from me, please let me know.

He acknowledged me by offering quietly, ‘Thank you.  It’s good to know.’ 

It’s only after some TIME has passed that light dawns in my thick brain and see the naked truth of projection.  I cannot help but see the parallel between what he told S and then to me.  The word ‘farcical’ held the key.  He was projecting on S2 what he feels about our marital relationship on that particular day - the relationship between ‘S2 and God’ vs the way he perceives our relationship. 

The fact is different in that H has shown nothing of ‘farcical’ in the past year.  His heart was turned toward me and the kids.  He can’t fake that every day in his demeanour, body language and actions.

Now, in his depressive and angry state, everything looks glum and farcical.  His state of mind is the most important aspect, not his words to S and me.  I have noticed him brooding for the last few days and it culminated in the angry outburst.  Makes sense.

H was repentant the morning (Christmas eve) after.  He invited S2 out for coffee and had a long talk.  S told me a little about their conversation.  H talked about his ‘issues’, whatever they might be (S didn’t share and I didn’t ask) and how he thinks that might be the cause of his angry outbursts.  H then unreservedly apologized to S. 

I can clearly see Anger is not a phase.  Not for my H, anyway.  It has been present all through his MLC.  I do see why Conway and HB list it as a phase because there was a period when Anger dominated over all other marvellous features of H’s MLC.  However, it is ubiquitous in H’s MLC journey, not confined to one segment.  I hope he delves into himself further to figure out himself and find peace some day. 

I also see that his anger and depression are joined at the hip.  I sense brooding, hopelessness and ‘it’s my cross to bear’  resignation from him.  I feel the presence of the big black dog sitting at H’s feet. 

Depression, too, is not a phase, as outlined by Conway and HB.  I see its darkness hovering over H throughout H’s journey.  It was very dark indeed at the beginning.  Now it is like a fog in various intensities. 

‘Depression is anger turned inward’ and ‘Anger is depression expressed’ are not just popular psychology sayings, it seems.

« Last Edit: December 25, 2018, 11:07:52 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2018, 12:03:26 PM »
Actually, HB isn't very organized in explaining her various stages (except the main article, which is very brief) but she does make a point of saying everyone must go through them all and in the same order (although they can alternate a bit).

She has one article about a phase that sits between the end of replay and the beginning of the depression phase that doesn't get the attention it deserves. I wonder whether that is where your H has been over the past year or two?

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-lessons-learned-will-also-be-tested/

Or it could just be holiday stress and a one-off outburst. Only time will tell.

I'd say fasten your seatbelts though, he may be entering a new phase, one that I have to admit seemed missing to me so far. If you trust the process, then I think this shoe HAD to drop. He had to become more depressed.


Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #2 on: December 25, 2018, 01:14:22 PM »
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and HB’s article, Goner.
I have that in my gigantic MLC info folder.  Haven’t read it for ages!  Thanks for the reminder.

I must say his whereabouts in the tunnel has not been very interesting to me for a while.   
All I know and need to know is that he is not stuck but moving forward.  His occasional sharing of his thoughts and diagnosis of himself tell me he is busy figuring out himself. 

I just wish for him to heal and find peace and joy in his soul because I love him as I love myself.  If our marriage gets restored, it would be a great bonus, not the goal. 


Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #3 on: December 25, 2018, 04:22:44 PM »
Merry Christmas Acorn

So sorry you’ve had a rough few days and for S2 too. Glad H seemed to ‘get over it’ and apologise the next day.

Hope it hasn’t impacted too much on Christmas but annoying that it didn’t wait a couple of weeks!

Welcome to your new thread, interesting times
Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #4 on: December 25, 2018, 04:31:17 PM »
Following along Acorn.
I hate the drama and it's timing. But H did explain himself hopefully. That is a good thing.
Merry Christmas Acorn.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2018, 05:36:45 PM »
Hope you've had a good Christmas, Acorn.

Welcome to your new thread.

RCR does not have anger as a phase. Anger exist is most of MLC, including in Rebirth, which is where your husband is at. I think the only phase where it does not exist is Reintegration, the last stage. In Rebirth it may be more or less present, and as Rebirth becomes more solid it tends to lessen or go away, but at least in the start of Rebirth it is comes up.

For some MLCer more than to others.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline osb

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #6 on: December 25, 2018, 05:40:19 PM »
I have always felt the MLCer's anger as a symptom of depression - at least in men, don't they say rage is more common than expressions of despondency? My H raged for a long time even before BD, it came out of him in ugly bouts. For me, the solution (with a live-in MLCer) was to take myself out of the picture; i went for walks, i ducked out of conversations, i thought replies that I never opened my lips to utter. Gave him less to push back and rage against. One hand cannot clap. Didn't do much to change my H's MLC, but i think effacing myself made me safer. After one scary physical episode of rage, I didn't want to face that escalation again.

It may be that you're seeing a change in volume, but the trajectory of the journey still applies. Hang in there Acorn.
"You have a right to action, not to the fruit thereof; shoot your arrow, but do not look to see where it lands."  -Bhagavad Gita

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #7 on: December 26, 2018, 05:46:40 AM »
Happy day after Christmas Acorn!  Sorry you had a couple days of struggle there.  You handled it beautifully.  It goes to show us all that reconnecting and getting through this entire process takes sooo long.  I too have gone back to read HB articles at many different phases.  They mean something different each time I read them depending on where I currently sit in my process. 

Hope the rest of your family time is uneventful and you are all able to enjoy each other’s company!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2018, 06:29:24 AM »
I am so very impressed by your responses!  Wow, your behavior is totally inspiring.  I don't think I will ever have that opportunity, but if I did, I would like to think I could respond in a similar fashion.  Thanks for sharing
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2018, 07:13:09 AM »
Rose and Helping, the anger incident happened Monday night, H and S had a good talk around lunch time on Christmas Eve, and by Christmas Day, we were having a wonderful family time together.  The memory of his outburst will stay but I hope its toxicity will fade with time.   

As for H, it seems as if his outburst was cleansing in some way.  I can see and feel his calmness.

Anjae, you have pointed out the most obvious (to me, anyway) differences between Conway/HB stages of MLC and RCR’s. 

The way I understand it, RCR describes the stages of metamorphosis of MLCer.  A growth chart, if you like.

I tend to view Conway/HB’s as a collection of dominant emotions and personal growth progress of MLCer in the course of their journey.  It is a mixture of emotional markers and a growth chart - apples and oranges in one basket. 

If I had to choose one over the other, I would pick RCR’s because it is a chart of singular element, MLCer’s growth.  Mind you, I must admit Conway/HB’s stages were much easier to grasp when I started learning about MLC. 

I have always felt the MLCer's anger as a symptom of depression - at least in men, don't they say rage is more common than expressions of despondency?

You have put your finger on it, osb.  Anger and depression are closely linked, I think.  I agree, no one should engage H when he is raging.  It is futile.  I learned to do that in the first year of his MLC and H has not sought me as his anger target practice for around 3 years, but, alas, S2 didn’t know about refraining from engaging.  No wonder, he had never been H’s target before.  I talked with S2 about it and now he understands what he needs to do if a similar situation ever takes place again.

H’s anger seems to be based on feelings of inadequacy or failure (eg. as a father) which in turn makes him feel vulnerable.  He appears to be distressed by his vulnerability, and that eats at him.  It seems to me his anger is an antidote, or a self defence mechanism, against very uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability.  Perhaps men hates that feeling more than women do because of societal conditioning?  Who knows...

Osb, I would really appreciate it if you could expand on the following, please.

It may be that you're seeing a change in volume, but the trajectory of the journey still applies.


Roo, things went back to normal and peaceful, rickety split, unlike in the past where malovelent air hung over the family for many days. 

Family, one thing I have learned through dealing with H’s MLC is not to follow his agenda.  He wanted me to agree with his justification for his ugly firework.  I try not to get sucked into his gaslighting, albeit indirectly to me, not to S2.  I say what I want to say, and not answer HIS questions and replies that he wants. 

———————
We had a wonderful Christmas Day.  Lots of good food and Mary Poppins at theatre in the evening.   H, S2, D and  SIL are running in a race today.  I will stay home and clean up in peace.   It is therapeutic for me to have some personal time and space.  Cleaning up all the mess in the kitchen  seems to do the same thing for my head. 

Happy Boxing Day, everyone!





 
« Last Edit: December 26, 2018, 07:15:41 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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