Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How???  (Read 2878 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2018, 08:55:16 AM »
You handled that beautifully, Acorn.

If nothing else time teaches us not to react but to respond.  You took a few minutes, didn't react, and responded well.

I've often told my kids you need to pick your battles (fights with their father).  If you are going to, or have to, say something make sure it's worth saying, otherwise zip it.  Leave the little battles alone, their not worth starting a war over.

Glad you had a good Christmas.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2018, 09:39:49 AM »
Thank you, Thunder, for your encouragement. 

Responding, not reacting.  Definitely one of the biggest lessons I have learned through H’s MLC.  Common sense, yet so very difficult to do.  Mistake after mistake with bad outcome was/is the only way for me to learn.  I apply this rule in all relationships. It gives me serenity.

The essence of my responding, if I may share, is sticking to my agenda, and not bite his bait and send him a signal that I agree with his warped thinking.   Validating (‘I understand’, not ‘I agree’) what he feels and thinks is one thing, agreeing to his views is equal to being manipulated by his gaslighting.   It seems MLCers excel in GL.  Not intentional but self justification to make them feel better about themselves.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2018, 09:50:16 AM »
Very good point, Acorn, about feeding his agenda. Or indeed his projection.
Showing acceptance that this is how he feels but without agreeing with him is a tricky balance but sounds like an important one.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline osb

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2018, 09:50:58 AM »
Osb, I would really appreciate it if you could expand on the following, please.
It may be that you're seeing a change in volume, but the trajectory of the journey still applies.

Sorry, was being kinda cryptic, let me try to unpack...
My H was on a MLC journey, I accepted that. We talked (when he was in a moment of quiet clarity) about that journey; that it was mental more than physical; that I couldn't carry his backpack for him (even if I desperately wanted to), he had to do it all himself; and if he and I didn't wind up in the same place at the end of it, so be it.  Those moments of quiet clarity were precious, but they were interspersed by periods of loud angry flailing ('Creature From the Black Lagoon' levels of rage and spitting nails). Eventually I made this shorthand for myself: he's walking quietly, or he's walking loudly this week. Sort of became an anthropological observation, rather than personal. When he was walking loudly, I got the hell outta the way, and mentally walked elsewhere (still had my own journey to complete, but it didn't sure have to be done while cringing away from the abuse). When he was walking quietly I got in some useful conversations, and then prepared myself for the noise that was sure to follow. It always did. Took a few years for the pattern to change.
"You have a right to action, not to the fruit thereof; shoot your arrow, but do not look to see where it lands."  -Bhagavad Gita

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2018, 10:09:31 AM »
Thank you so much for further explainations, osb.  I’m sitting here nodding away. 
I understand and recoganize what you have just shared.  Almost identical situation played out the first 2 years.  The 3rd year saw much dialling down of the noise and the past year (4th year) was without one single angry episode.  That’s why it was such a surprise but also a wake up call for me to the fact that he is on a long journey and I need to stay out of his way, ie maintain ‘anthropological observation’ frame of mind.

You helped me a great deal, osb, by sharing your views, attitudes and experiences.  My heartfelt thanks.
I dare say that you see some parallels in our situations (at least with angry outbursts), albeit we are many steps behinds you.  It’s good to hear from someone who walked before me and understands.
« Last Edit: December 26, 2018, 10:15:37 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2018, 10:13:53 AM »
Very good point, Acorn, about feeding his agenda. Or indeed his projection.
Showing acceptance that this is how he feels but without agreeing with him is a tricky balance but sounds like an important one.

You are right, Treasur, it is not only important but necessary.  If I don’t, we could not maintain any form of positive relationship. He reminds me of a just born baby with very delicate skin that can be injured with a tiniest knock.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2018, 10:27:20 PM »
Following along Acorn.

Stay Strong.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #17 on: December 27, 2018, 05:14:13 AM »
BBhelp, so good to have you on board.  Welcome!
I hope you can expand on ‘stay strong’ one day. 

Farcical

That’s the word H used to refer to us living under the same roof.  In the context of what he had been saying to S2 a minute before that, he clearly means ‘pretend’. 

It did sting when he expressed how he was seeing our situation.  Stung only a bit like a tiny pin prick and it passed very quickly.  After all, it’s his word, not mine. 

I would have been a crying mess on the floor if this had happened when I was yet to detach from his emotions.  In other words, I would have taken his words personally and turned them into a serious indictment on me and our marriage.  Now they do sting a little for a short while, but I get back to seeing it as it really is.  It’s not about me, it’s all about him.  He is free to feel and think whatever, whenever.  The same applies to me.

As I get further from the incident (evening, Dec 23), I can see his depressed mood coloured everything dark grey.  I don’t think his enthusiastic alcohol consumption helped.  He has since recovered and we all enjoyed Christmas Day and Boxing Day.  Wonderful family time and he joined in unreservedly. 

H and I are to leave to visit his family in our home country in a few days’ time.  H had thrown in this trip as an example of ‘farcical’ as well when he mentioned our co-existence under same roof as such - he said, ‘we are going to visit them and pretend everything is ok with us.  How farcical.’ 

The following was on my mind and I had no intention of uttering it.

‘Dear H, all your sisters know what you have done and how nutty you have been.  They see right through you.  Even your elderly parents could plainly see you are not right in your mind.  They can all see our relationship has been severely damaged.  Your pretence would appear rather comical to them.’

I will not let his ‘farcical’ affect my trip.  I love H’s family dearly and it’s reciprocal, and I intend to enjoy every minute of their company.  It will be interesting to see how he behaves.  Reports to follow.

Have a wonderful day! 
« Last Edit: December 27, 2018, 05:16:38 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2018, 07:08:53 AM »
It's just projection, isn't it? That he knows he is not being honest with himself or God or anyone else important.

As you say, let him bring the farce if he wishes - shame it isn't a more light-hearted version like a stage play with comical accents and people jumping out of cupboards  :) - and you bring the fun and enjoyment of spending time with good people you value.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #19 on: December 27, 2018, 07:09:55 AM »
Your detachment is inspiring Acorn! Yes his comments are his alone. But they are also his truth. His likely guilt over what he’s done. And his depression getting out of control over the holidays and over consumption. Most of us would be very upset by hearing such things. How would we not take it personally? But you know better! He is beating himself up before you do. Clever man. But you are far too clever to fall into that trap!

Only thing farcical would be that “other” relationship (if you can call it that) he had. That fantasy escape from a reality he just couldn’t deal with. I don’t know, kind of looks like he’s having some thinky time.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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