Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How???  (Read 2879 times)

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #20 on: December 27, 2018, 07:21:21 AM »
It's just projection, isn't it? That he knows he is not being honest with himself or God or anyone else important.

As you say, let him bring the farce if he wishes - shame it isn't a more light-hearted version like a stage play with comical accents and people jumping out of cupboards  :) - and you bring the fun and enjoyment of spending time with good people you value.

‘PROJECTION’ is written on his forehead in red, font size 24. 
He was projecting how he used to regard his faith and church attendance while in high Replay when he was talking to S2.   

Projection is his lingua franca.  It’s like a translation app.  Put whatever he says into the projection app, and, voila, it’s about himself.  Who knew?!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #21 on: December 27, 2018, 07:29:02 AM »
Your detachment is inspiring Acorn! Yes his comments are his alone. But they are also his truth. His likely guilt over what he’s done. And his depression getting out of control over the holidays and over consumption. Most of us would be very upset by hearing such things. How would we not take it personally? But you know better! He is beating himself up before you do. Clever man. But you are far too clever to fall into that trap!

Only thing farcical would be that “other” relationship (if you can call it that) he had. That fantasy escape from a reality he just couldn’t deal with. I don’t know, kind of looks like he’s having some thinky time.

KIT, detachment is a life saver and sanity saver!  What he said was his truth of the moment.  It seems his truth flip flops.  I guess that’s all part of the process to solidify the new H.  If he didn’t, it would be a worry, and that would signal that he is entrenched in MLC and stay there for a long time.  That would be a waste of one life we each are given. 

You pointed out something very important, KIT.  Thank you for that! 
I didn’t even think about his A.  Blimey, how could I have missed that ‘farce’?!  The farce that destroyed our relationship.  No wonder he feels depressed about how low he had sunken. 

« Last Edit: December 27, 2018, 07:42:30 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5685
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #22 on: December 27, 2018, 10:26:28 AM »
It helped me when my vanisher popped up and said weird things that were so obviously not true about me or the situation. Projection 101. That I wouldn't let him go (when I was just desperate to get the MLC divorce i'd never contested done). That I need to move on (when aI had not asked him to come back since way before he filed, not once, and when all my energy was focused on dragging myself forward). That we were different people now. (Well, one of us surely was). That he didn't accept my 'paradigm' that we would never talk again after the divorce. (Didn't ask him to, didn't need his permission).

Projection is a weird thing but once you get your eye in, I think you can start to spot it quite easily. And of course it makes no sense to argue it or defend yourself...it isn't about you, more like a war between two noisy pebbles in their head really.

What a sad thing it is and how exhausting and confusing it must be to feel like that.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2018, 10:28:00 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 9393roo

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 210
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #23 on: December 27, 2018, 10:52:52 AM »
Interesting conversation combining projection and detachment. I haven’t been able to define what I have been witnessing lately so this helps tremendously.

The longer I practice detachment the clearer I’ve been able to see the projection.  It has been a sanity saver!  I take what belongs to me in my H’s words of projection and see clearly what belongs to him.  His words are very telling about what is going on in his head. He projects about his employees on a daily basis.  He seems exhausted on a daily basis looking for someone else to blame for his own behaviors.  Since I have stopped fighting it and letting his words roll off my back I have found peace. My hope is he finds the same sort of peace within himself one day.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #24 on: December 27, 2018, 12:06:40 PM »
Projection is a weird thing but once you get your eye in, I think you can start to spot it quite easily. And of course it makes no sense to argue it or defend yourself...it isn't about you, more like a war between two noisy pebbles in their head really.

What a sad thing it is and how exhausting and confusing it must be to feel like that.

Yes!!!  Shout it from the mountain top, Treasur! 
Even if MLCer does not share anything about what’s in their muddled head, one can discern the content by his projection.   It is an open seceret, kind of.  A giveaway. 



The longer I practice detachment the clearer I’ve been able to see the projection.

This is true!  To be able to see the projection on the screen, one needs to be far enough from it.  Detachment affords us that distance and the resulting objectivity.  If you or I were to stand right in front of the projection and dance with it, we inject ourselves into the scenario.  Who wants that?!

I’m glad you are maintaining that objective distance, Roo, and found peace.  Detachment brought me peace also.  :)

I also wanted to add that once I got far enough from the storm and was able to see H’s heavy projection, it was as if I was given a golden key to understand him better.  I had/have to be careful, however, not to read too much into projection.  If I did/do, then I was merely projecting myself. 
« Last Edit: December 27, 2018, 12:32:03 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15264
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #25 on: December 27, 2018, 12:56:55 PM »
Projection is his lingua franca.  It’s like a translation app.  Put whatever he says into the projection app, and, voila, it’s about himself.  Who knew?!

Yes, who knew? MLCers, phew!  ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Keep believing

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1168
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #26 on: December 28, 2018, 03:16:57 AM »
Sometimes i don't realize the projection until a while later.   One time it was so clear. About a year ago he called me a coward for no apparent reason. I was like WOW.  I do wonder what he meant by that. Was it that he couldn't end it with other woman or was it that he couldn't confess to making the biggest mistake of his life and all the damage he did?

Offline GonerinGhana

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1821
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #27 on: December 28, 2018, 05:40:42 AM »
I overheard my H complaining to someone after we had an argument a few weeks ago, "She's acting like she's 20, not almost 50!"

Who's the one who has been acting like he is 20 the past few years?

Oh, and what made it really funny is we were arguing because he was projecting his own annoyances on me, and I told him to knock it off, that I wasn't him, and that the things that he was worrying would bother me only bother him.
« Last Edit: December 28, 2018, 05:43:11 AM by GonerinGhana »

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #28 on: December 30, 2018, 09:21:35 AM »
Anjae, Keep and Goner, thank you for sharing your thoughts!  Projection is an interesting topic, particularly relevant to MLCers and I hope to continue the discussion some time in the future.

We leave for Down Under in 2 days’ time.  It would be useful to put down my thoughts to reflect on after we return home.  I have this feeling that our trip may turn out be a significant step in H’s MLC journey.   We will see. 

H has been on edge and rather quiet after his furious outburst at S2 last Monday.  I finally see the reason.  I’m such a dimwit!  It took me a full week to see the light.  The reason has been under my nose all along.  It is our impending trip to visit his parents and siblings. 

His siblings read him like a book and have known all along something is amiss with H.  His sisters have known about his MLC and A.  I was with them (they are my best friends) when he mistakenly texted me instead of OW.  I had a meltdown and I told them why.  Some of them have witnessed his strange and wonderful MLC behaviour first hand and it broke their heart.   His pastor brother has been in contact with H for a year and a half and they had many heart to heart talks.  Simply put, H cannot hide behind a mask with them.  He must feel rather naked. 

And then, there is his father...

H’s relationship with his father is a mixed bag.  He has been/is in awe of the alpha male and has feared/fears to upset him.  He loves his father.  He also hates him, and angry at him for his self righteousness and other common human failings.  H’s anger issues were often pinned on FIL for not giving him a satisfactory level of validation while growing up and not being emotionally forthcoming.  H desperately wanted to feel loved, valued, fussed over, praised, encouraged - i.e. emotionally very needy -  but his father never lived up to that expectation.  H told me this many times. 

H had a major anger explosion at his father some time before ABD when H was visiting his FOO while on work trip.  (I was not with him.)  His sisters described the incident as truly insane moment - spittle flying, eyes bulging, uncontrollable shaking, screaming.  There was nothing one could do to calm him down.  In hindsight, maybe it was the apex of ‘anger’ phase before Replay. 

Now we are going back to see his FOO.  We did that a year and a half ago.  Then he was still in Replay mode.  He had that ‘stunned’ look about him as if he was visiting  Earth from Mars for the first time.  He went about family gatherings and encounters with childhood friends like an automaton.  He managed to avoid much of the get-togethers by committing himself to impossible amount of meetings and lectures.  Manic escape and avoid.

That was the last time he had an angry outburst.  I was the target.   His outburst then and last week are not coincidental.  His explosions are closely linked to his issues with FOO, specifically, his father. 

(Yes, I see he has FOO issues and I used to think they were the reasons for his MLC.  For some time now, I have seen that his childhood issues support a higher cause - H’s struggle to define himself, and not take on the identify what others, especially his father, may have dictated.  It is an epic struggle for individuation.)

His attitude to the trip this time around is very different.     He has not arranged any escape route by arranging to work while there.  From the time he suggested this trip, he had only one purpose - to see his family, especially his elderly parents.

His angry outburst at S2 a few days ago is an example of the stress he is feeling about the trip.  During the outburst, he mentioned all the key words and I see the significance of them just now.  I told you I’m a dimwit.  Sigh...

The key words that he used while raging at S2 and then talking to me afterwards:

- Farce (to me and S)
He is anticipating to act as if he, I and our R are OK.

- Alpha male struggle (to S)
His father vs H and H vs S

- “I’m right, you are wrong” (to S)
H is copying His father’s arrogance and righteousness
 
- “You don’t respect me”  (to S)
H does not respect his father and projects to S.

He was mirroring his thoughts about his father and R between them.  In some statements, he was parroting his father, in others, he was projecting himself on S. 

Since that anger episode, he mentioned the trip every day.  It is on his mind.  I wonder what is awaiting me...

Wishing you all a pleasant weekend!
« Last Edit: December 30, 2018, 10:38:09 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15264
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #29 on: December 30, 2018, 12:08:25 PM »
Thank you for the update, Acorn.

Makes sense husband had an explosion because the visit to his family means people who can see through him and he cannot hide behind a mask.

Think that is the reason why MLCers explode at the LBS. Or run from the LBS. We can see through them. We know their MLC self is a farce.

I have no idea what/from whom is Mr J individuating from. He never did what FIL had wanted him to. He was already into music, etc. when we meet - concerts and film festivals were the reason we meet.

To be fair, I see no struggle for individuation in Mr J. Since we meet and until MLC hit he was a very unique man, different from most. Since, he become like many others.

It is more like he is trying to be like all those people he hangs around/djs with, etc. It has been 13 plus years since Mr J's crisis stated. More than enough time to individuate and ´full reintegration if you ask me.

I think things will go well down under.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk