Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How???  (Read 2884 times)

Online Milly

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #70 on: January 10, 2019, 12:22:13 AM »
Acorn, what a wonderful update!! Love, love, love to hear good news like yours!

I wonder if what you call truth darts, that were just real life happening around your H, also brought him to the point where he needed to open up about his affair and tell you how bad he has been feeling about it. This might also have contributed to your R talk being at the right moment. I'm so glad he got it off his chest and that lead to him opening up about his feelings around you. So wonderful to hear to you've reached that place in your journey where you have completely forgiven him. What a relief that must be.

The physical touch comment is very interesting. We don't get to hear how the MLCer feels when we do the 'light but distant' routine. When I read about people connecting and the MLCer not being physical, I'm sorry for the LBS. The message portrayed is that the MLCer doesn't feel that kind of attraction yet for his spouse. But your H's revelation insinuates something else is going on, their fear of rejection, which is probably one of the fundamental factors at the root of their crisis.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #71 on: January 10, 2019, 02:19:31 AM »
I think throughout the crisis there are moments when they are open. It might only be a brief window. I've had a few lately and I have been using a carrot and stick approach when they appear. For example, I say some nice stuff about him, show appreciation for the good things he is doing that he deserves praise for, but then I call him out on his excuses for not doing other things. I'm not initiating relationship talks per se and I find these truth darts are best delivered by text as it gives him the freedom to choose to ignore or respond. Leaving aside progress on his MLC itself, I don't think there would be much progress in our relationship as there has been so far if I had taken as hands off an approach as you have. Part of me says sometimes we need to act as if this isn't an MLC and just be ourselves in responding as we would under normal circumstances. Because that is who we are and who they stayed with all these years.

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #72 on: January 10, 2019, 05:34:43 AM »
Acorn,

What a moving post. It brought me to tears for both of you. I am so glad to witness this - may God continue to move powerfully in your lives.

Interesting that healing comes within the family - I have noticed in my case that progress (even as slight as it can be) often comes when the family is together, there is something special about being with the family.
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #73 on: January 10, 2019, 05:45:24 AM »
Acorn, this update is so heartwarming and continues to give me hope.  I am learning so much from everyone’s postings, taking what I need and applying it to my own situation.

I am in the give and take stage.  It is surely hard to know how much to give an MLC spouse. Last week I got dragged into a R talk and was so angry I didn’t want anything to do with my H for several days.  Little did I know that some of what I said sunk in and he has been trying a little more. I took a chance and sent him a text yesterday telling him that his efforts have not gone unnoticed and thanking him, I got no response. Last night he called before bed (hasn’t done this since pre BD)because he said he wanted to hear my voice.   Sometimes my heart aches for all of his pain.

I’m so glad all of the stars aligned for your talk.  This is huge and I believe I giant step forward for BOTH of you. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #74 on: January 10, 2019, 12:02:26 PM »
Thank you for sharing Acorn.

Thank you God for bringing Acorn's husband closer to you and for opening his eyes to the love of his family.

May he understand that He is already forgiven...may he continue to open up to Acorn and to show her the love and respect of a husband.

May Acorn as well have the words that she needs to say and know when she needs to say them.

Thank you Lord, for restoring this marriage!
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Offline serenity

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #75 on: January 10, 2019, 01:56:15 PM »
Thank you for your prayer xy

X

Offline serenity

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #76 on: January 10, 2019, 02:28:11 PM »
Thank you for your post Acorn

Actually my H often tells me now that he desperately misses my touch. I can often see him craving it when we’re together and he’ll go to great lengths to try and touch me or get me to touch him!

The naughty side of me finds this quite amusing!

X

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #77 on: January 10, 2019, 02:30:38 PM »
Loved reading last update Acorn. Keep them coming.
Wishing yall many more wonderful times. More good convos too.
That has to feel good, H opening up to you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #78 on: January 10, 2019, 03:27:44 PM »
Wonderful update, Acorn.  :) Very happy to know things are improving so well.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #79 on: January 11, 2019, 06:08:31 AM »
Thank you, Milly, Goner, Mitzpah, Roo, Serenity, Helping and Anjae, for rejoicing with me and for your comments.

Xyzcf, I read your prayer many times as my own prayer of thanksgiving.  Thank you...

It appears on the surface as if some seismic shift has occurred in our R in the last few days.  However, I realize that the change has been ongoing for a while and all it needed to bubble up to the surface was a catalyst - my voicing of forgiveness.  It looks like H was ready to follow my lead, not the other way around.  He needed to witness my willingness to reconcile.  It was as if he was sitting and waiting at the door.  I’m so thankful that I accidentally grabbed the handle and opened the door when I did. . 

It’s been a few days since our R talk and there has been much progress.  We have turned our eyes toward each other and have been taking our love out of storage and carefully unwrapping it.  I cannot speak for him but it seems to be happening naturally with me without any conscious effort.  No thinking involved.  I used to wonder about proper timing and reasons for unwrapping my love and wearing it on my sleeve again.  It was a needless concern.

Our sincere desire to rebuild our relationship is palpable and our old connection is coming alive.  The fact that we are on holidays and are in each other’s company 24/7 is helping.  One can say the absence of our usual daily grind is a godsend in jumpstarting our reconciliation. 

I did not fully comprehend even a few days ago what was meant by each of us walking his/her own path and learning the necessary lessons.  I understand it now.  I feel that  H and I are at a similar stage of personal development.  I see this very clearly.  If one of us was lagging far behind I doubt that what we are experiencing right now could have happened.  We are on the same page at the same time.  I feel (see?) that  H and I have been walking two separate paths for many years and now have met each other at a junction where out paths finally merged and we are looking forward to travelling together on the same path.

Now on to practical side of things.  Tangible progress is shown in the following ways:

We have been getting more comfortable with physical contact.  We both initiate.  Nothing sexual.  We agreed to take our time because we are in for a long haul - the rest of our lives.

H suggested and then set up WhatsApp for our family.  He started taking photos and sending them to our kids with little commentaries.  Each kid texted me their delight at H’s latest attempt at rebuilding R within the family.  They have been enthusiastically responding to H.  This makes me cry a little...  H mentioned that he will keep sending photos and messages through WhatsApp when he travels for business.  I’m delighted!

About me.  I do not hesitate sharing what my wishes are for our shared future, however, I do not suggest any actions.  That would be unnecessary pressure for both of us.  We had been lunching with his brother and SIL today and they mentioned their upcoming trip to Europe.  As we were heading back to our accommodation I mused aloud how nice it was to hear people getting old together and enjoy travelling, and how much I would enjoy that.  H immediately suggested we look into his professional engagements overseas this year and see which places would be good for us to go together and stay awhile to look around.  Wow...

H mentioned how much he enjoys going to concerts and asked me to look for more.  I’m delighted.  We have a full season ticket to an orchestra but he wants more.  It’s music to my ears!

H’s attentiveness to me is without any restraint now.  He is looking after my needs and comfort everywhere we go.  Don’t get me wrong, he has mostly been polite and chivalrous toward me, except when he was in high Replay.  Now it is quite different in that he is doing it with his heart, not out of contrived courtesy. 

With all these positive developments, we did tell each other that we will take our rebuilding slow and steady.  There is no other way. 

It’s been beautiful few days of hope and gladness.  I’m thankful to be able share my story with you all. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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